why is coming out so hard for some

[scotty94]

Hi All,

 

I just watched a recent coming out video on youtube which turned in to marathon of coming out videos on youtube, and I was wondering why is it so difficult to come out to your parents, I came out when I was 13 and my coming out story goes something like this:

 

Me-Mum can I tell you something?

 

Mum-Sure what's the problem?

 

Me-I'm gay.

 

Mum-Whatever go and play with your brother im busy and who cares.

 

Mine was that simple but for other people that isn't the case, I wanted to ask if you are out and did you find it difficult to come out to you parents and what was there reaction, so post away and I will look forward to reading some of your coming out stories.

 

Yours,

Scotty94

[Johnathan Colourfield]

It really depends on your upbringing and your parents. You are extremely lucky to have such open minded parents

 

My coming out story was incredibly unconventional. My mother is a contradiction in herself.

 

14 Year Old Me (When I wasnt even sure what I was)

Mum: John. I think its time you told me.

Me: Told you what?

Mum: That you're gay.

Me: I'm not gay.

Mum: You seem really close to that boy at school...

Me: MUM. I AM NOT GAY

 

16 Year Old Me (when i really came to terms with being gay)

Me: Mum I have something to tell you

Mum: What?

Me: I'm gay

Mum: I told you so.

 

And my dad just didnt care about it lol he is very open minded. Although both of them are very traditional in their views, more my mum than my dad.

 

Even though i've been in long term relationships before and i've been with my current bf for over a year she still goes 'Are you sure you're gay? I wish you weren't. You should have married Emma. (My best friend)'

 

Can you see the contradiction LOL

Edited December 31, 2013 by Johnathan Colourfield

[Celethiel]

well comming out is a personal thing just as much for you as it is an announcement to others... you have to be good with yourself being what you are before you can ever say it to others.

[rustle]

Scotty, a lot of people's reactions depend on their social context. When I was 19, it was 1976. Gay sex was illegal, the U.S. military actively hunted down and prosecuted gays, you could easily be fired for it, and get blackballed, unable to provide a reference to a prospective employer.

 

Churches didn't want you, schools didn't want you, the army didn't want you, employers didn't want you. Families would disown you, or at best, you'd be the dirty little secret nobody talked about. The only refuge in Texas was a gay bar, and the cops would raid those, and take everybody downtown to get a nice blemish on their records.

 

People who know anything of my private life know I'm gay. Most of the people at work don't know, 'cause I keep them at arm's length. Old habits die hard, although now, it's more 'cause it's none of their business than out of fear. Dad died when I was 9, Mom knew, but we never discussed it, my brother and sister know.

 

There's a CBS documentary called The Homosexuals. http://vimeo.com/61123970.  I suggest you watch it.

[kryshim]

My life is at a bit of a weird point right now, since many of my friends know about me, but not my family. It's never really come up or anything.

[scotty94]

Scotty, a lot of people's reactions depend on their social context. When I was 19, it was 1976. Gay sex was illegal, the U.S. military actively hunted down and prosecuted gays, you could easily be fired for it, and get blackballed, unable to provide a reference to a prospective employer.

 

Churches didn't want you, schools didn't want you, the army didn't want you, employers didn't want you. Families would disown you, or at best, you'd be the dirty little secret nobody talked about. The only refuge in Texas was a gay bar, and the cops would raid those, and take everybody downtown to get a nice blemish on their records.

 

People who know anything of my private life know I'm gay. Most of the people at work don't know, 'cause I keep them at arm's length. Old habits die hard, although now, it's more 'cause it's none of their business than out of fear. Dad died when I was 9, Mom knew, but we never discussed it, my brother and sister know.

 

There's a CBS documentary called The Homosexuals. http://vimeo.com/61123970.  I suggest you watch it.

 

I completely understand what your saying rustle but as the years have progressed, and people are more comfortable in coming out you would find it easier I don't think that the case coming out is like committing a crime those actions will determine your future it may be a good consequence or a bad consequence, but it is 2013 soon to be 2014 and this new it's okay to be gay things is around except for Russia, you may think yer im gonna come out this is easy as soon as you open your mouth you begin to question it go for it, or don't make up an excuse get yourself out of there or dive in head first.

[Never Surrender]

Scotty, i think what you are forgetting is that there are many places in the world where it is still not 'ok to be gay' as you put it. This includes Russia, but I'm sure that almost every GA member could name at least 10 others. When it comes down to coming out, a lot will depend on the individuals personal circumstances. Although i think its great that you had a supportive coming out, not everyone has been, or would be, awarded the same luxury. It would be inappropriate, and perhaps a little insensitive to assume that people who haven't come out have chosen not to simply because they are 'making excuses'. 

[Graeme]

If you're asking why is it difficult for the current generation, then I'm not the right person to answer. I can only answer for my own generation.

 

I never came out to my parents. I was married with kids before I truly accepted myself and that's the number one reason I was in the closet for so long. I just couldn't accept the truth. I knew it -- I've known I've been attracted to guys since my early teen years -- but it took me until I was forty before I accepted it as truly being part of who I am.

 

My father had already passed away by that time. I came out to my wife, and that was an extremely traumatic event. She felt betrayed. She was so traumatised that she considered suicide. To give her a support network to help her cope, I came out to her family, apart from the nieces and nephews.

 

My mother would probably have accepted me, but I didn't see any point in trying to find out. I wasn't going to change -- it's been almost ten years since I came out to my wife and I'm not leaving her. Telling my mother would have done nothing except potentially cause heartache. So my mother passed away without my telling her I'm gay.

 

I've considered telling my brothers and sisters, but, again, I don't see the point. What benefit does it provide? If one of my nieces or nephews were to come out, I'd probably be there as support, but until there's a point, I don't see why I need to.

 

The primary reason I never accepted myself until I was forty was simple -- I was scared. I had no support network when I was younger. The only option available to me was to stay in the closet or come out and tell people. I had no halfway option.

 

Today, the Internet allows a gay teenager to open up and reach out to others, while protecting their anonymity. This allows them to build up confidence and develop a support network while staying hidden.

 

Those options weren't available when I grew up. The only option I as a teenager was a couple of anonymous sexual encounters with strangers encountered in public toilets. Not exactly the sort of thing that encouraged me to come out. When I went to university, there was a small gay society, but I couldn't build up the courage to approach them because, as I said above, it was all or nothing. If I approached them, I was out of the closet, even if only to a few strangers. I couldn't bring myself to trust them enough to do that.

 

That's it for me -- why it was hard for my generation, and why I never came out when I finally had the courage to do so.

[JamesSavik]

If you really want to know, http://awesomedude.com/jamessavik/Broken/index.htm

 

There are a lot of parts of the country where people still act and feel like the Duck Commander.

[Celethiel]

I completely understand what your saying rustle but as the years have progressed, and people are more comfortable in coming out you would find it easier I don't think that the case coming out is like committing a crime those actions will determine your future it may be a good consequence or a bad consequence, but it is 2013 soon to be 2014 and this new it's okay to be gay things is around except for Russia, you may think yer im gonna come out this is easy as soon as you open your mouth you begin to question it go for it, or don't make up an excuse get yourself out of there or dive in head first.

oh? when i was in highschool a little over 10 years ago... a boy was strung up in barbed wire one state to the south for being gay... by classmates no less.... there are places and families who you don't want to be gay within... not that you have a choice.... and thusly being what you are becomes a gay little secret....

for instance my mom knows i am gay... my brother, my sister....

however I don't think my grandparents know... and my mom's boyfriend supposidly doesn't know... why, because i didn't tell the grandparents the subject never came up... and as for mom's boyfriend... NO ONE in the family would hear the end of me being gay... he'd harp and harp on it untill everybody wants to die as to listen to it.

[rustle]

I completely understand what your saying rustle but as the years have progressed, and people are more comfortable in coming out you would find it easier I don't think that the case coming out is like committing a crime those actions will determine your future it may be a good consequence or a bad consequence, but it is 2013 soon to be 2014 and this new it's okay to be gay things is around except for Russia, you may think yer im gonna come out this is easy as soon as you open your mouth you begin to question it go for it, or don't make up an excuse get yourself out of there or dive in head first.

 

A couple of months ago, I ran into a co-worker in the grocery store, and introduced her to my partner. It seemed ridiculous not to, since he was right there with me. I went to a Christmas party at his art gallery as his guest. All of our personal friends know about us, and we all joke about it. One woman's husband was working as a security guard, and I told him I had a thing for guys in uniform.

 

To come out at work, I'd have to make my personal life everybody's business. I resent hearing them drone on about a sporting event or their kids as a distraction. No way I'm gonna do the same thing.

[rustle]

oh? when i was in highschool a little over 10 years ago... a boy was strung up in barbed wire one state to the south for being gay... by classmates no less.... there are places and families who you don't want to be gay within... not that you have a choice.... and thusly being what you are becomes a gay little secret....

for instance my mom knows i am gay... my brother, my sister....

however I don't think my grandparents know... and my mom's boyfriend supposidly doesn't know... why, because i didn't tell the grandparents the subject never came up... and as for mom's boyfriend... NO ONE in the family would hear the end of me being gay... he'd harp and harp on it untill everybody wants to die as to listen to it.

 

Haters gonna hate. In my state, less than 5 years ago, a guy was dragged to his death behind a truck just because he was black.

 

It's no longer important to me that everybody know who and what I am.

[Celethiel]

Haters gonna hate. In my state, less than 5 years ago, a guy was dragged to his death behind a truck just because he was black.

 

It's no longer important to me that everybody know who and what I am.

it's not important to me, i might tell you if you ask me...

[scotty94]

When I posted the quote I didn't think I would get this reaction, I was speaking from the point of view of other and myself I know other country are not okay with gay people but Russia is most current and that seemed like a prime example.

Scotty, i think what you are forgetting is that there are many places in the world where it is still not 'ok to be gay' as you put it. This includes Russia, but I'm sure that almost every GA member could name at least 10 others. When it comes down to coming out, a lot will depend on the individuals personal circumstances. Although i think its great that you had a supportive coming out, not everyone has been, or would be, awarded the same luxury. It would be inappropriate, and perhaps a little insensitive to assume that people who haven't come out have chosen not to simply because they are 'making excuses'. 

I didn't assume people would, I said people may if they find it hard to come out.

Edited December 31, 2013 by scotty94

[Benji]

...................Grame said it perfectly for me, except I'm ten years older then he. But the exception is I did finally come out to my brothers and sister about 5 years ago, and my daughter later, none of them cared. I never came out to my parents nor my wife. It mattered little as I was pretty much faithful for our entire 30 years together.  I'm so glad I never saw that Mike Wallace report, I would have been 14 when it aired, it would have scarred me at the time. I knew about the social implications only from school, we abandened the religious aspect after my mother remarried years earlier (62-63) following my father's death in 1960. This generation does not know have much more easier they have it then we did, we had to either 'conform' or stay in the closet back then.

[Ieshwar]

Dude, Russia isn't the sole example. India has been in the news lately for the 377 Penal and for me, the ruling has been as sick as Russia's take on homosexuality. I won't comment on the fact that Mauritius has the same stand as these countries about homosexuality. Under its modern disguise, it remains a very conservative countries. Never Surrender said about at least 10 countries and she's very right. I would rather talk about continent rather than countries. Most (if not all) of the African and Asian countries are very conservative about these issues. And I might add South American countries too. So yeah, that makes about more than half the planet.

 

You guys are truly lucky. Believe me, every gay and every lesbian in these countries wish they were born in countries like USA, Canada, Australia or any European country. A place where you can actually live as you are or at least fight for something that is possible. Not a place where either you become the stigma of the family, the running joke or where you have to hide yourself. So yes, coming out is hard for many. It's a choice between living as a freak (which we are not!) or living like a straight (which we are not). In the end, it's a life of lie, no matter what choice you make. 

Edited December 31, 2013 by Ieshwar

[Timothy M.]

I hate to have to tell you guys, but even in Scandinavia which contain some of the most gay friendly countries in the world we have hate crimes against gays, and it's not always easy to come out. And the Faroe Islands are part of Denmark, and it's embarrassing to have to admit that most of the people there are religious bigots who for a long time refused to make a law against sexually related discrimination and they still have gay bashings (so most of their gay men escape to Copenhagen).

So I admire people who are out and proud, it's takes a lot of courage. And I certainly don't blame anyone for keeping it private or being in the closet. Scotty hope you don't mind me using this thread to pay homage to the GLBT crowd, whether you are out or not. And thanks for the thread, the posts are interesting, so I hope more people will contribute.

[Sasha Distan]

i'm going to start with: we have it lucky in England, so so so lucky compared to most of the rest of the world. as Never Surrender and Ieshwar said, most of the rest of the world isn't doing so well, and there are plenty of awful examples.

 

and i come from and live near Brighton, one of the most gay friendly cities on the planet. and yet, two miles outside the centre of town there was a guy beat up for being gay. his attackers called him all sorts of things i won't repeat. i now live in the countryside say 15 miles out of town, and i know people who i could not tell about my sexuality, because not only would they not understand, but they would cease contact with me because of it.

 

even in places where we are lucky to be accepted, not everyone is accepting. when, if and how someone wants to come out, that can only ever be a personal choice. you could live in the most amazing and accepting place on earth, but if you have no support network, it might still suck.

[Thorn Wilde]

It's very important that those of us in the LGBT community in the Industrialised world understand how privileged we are. And it's also important that we realise that even within our own countries and communities, there are people who have a much harder time with regards to their sexuality and coming out than we may have had ourselves. My mother is an extremely openminded and liberal person, but she is also quite religious, and coming out to her has not been an easy thing to do. For all that, I will never forget how incredibly lucky and privileged I really am in all this. For one, I will never be judged, persecuted or denied employment because of my sexuality, and for another I get to live in a culture where the chance that someone will try to hurt me or openly deride me for my sexuality is very small.

 

We also mustn't forget the other injustices that are left even in our countries, though. Stereotyping, gay jokes, there are a lot of things we let slide because we've just gotten used to it and it's not so bad. But I won't consider LGBTQ equality to be at an acceptable level until these issues have been dealt with as well, until gay characters on TV are people and not just comic relief, until you can have gay major characters in fiction and popular culture where the fact that they're gay isn't a big deal and doesn't turn the work in question into a 'gay' work, a special interest thing. 

[DynoReads]

I've hesitated to answer because I have never come out to anyone. I have had 4 people come out to me as bi-sexual, three women and a man.

 

I think the answer is simply fear. For all that man believes himself/herself to be civilized, it is only a thin, fragile layer over primitive instincts. There is the instinct to reject, or force away, that which is different. It is hard to come out because of fear of loosing those we care about. The very ones who would be our support network when we face the world's criticism.

[TetRefine]

Coming out is hard because theres always that chance you will disappoint, anger, and/or let down those you care about. It is especially difficult if those people you care about have expectations for what you should do and what you should accomplish, and being gay has the possibility to interfere with that. 

 

When I was in high school, it was expected of me to play football. It wasn't really much of a choice, it was just something I did. The last place anyone wants to be gay is on a football team. Combine the general homophobia of the sport with the small minded, redneck attitude of the dominant personalities on the team, and I wasn't about to come out. Coming out would have basically destroyed any chance of playing any more, and not playing would have been letting down my parents, other family members, friends, and coaches. Back then, I would have rather been miserable and upheld other people's wants and expectations then do what I really wanted to do. I would have rather quit football, gotten out of that toxic environment, and have gone and done my own thing, but I didn't and I suffered for that choice. Why? All to uphold someone else's version of myself, instead of my own. Its a mistake I'll never make again.

 

Its all about the fear of disappointing because of our pack mentality. Its why effeminate, obviously gay guys have it easier despite being harassed more. Nobody has expectations for them, so if they act that way nobody really cares because everyone expects it. If they don't, well no big deal, he's finally starting to act "like a real man". Masculine gay guys who aren't obvious don't have that luxury of "acting up to the standard", because they are already perceived to be at the "straight masculine standard" and anything other than that is considered lowering yourself by many. So guys like me have no other choice, at least in our teenage years, other than to uphold "the standard" even if it makes us miserable because anything else would be a let down. 

[Fishwings]

It's very important that those of us in the LGBT community in the Industrialised world understand how privileged we are. And it's also important that we realise that even within our own countries and communities, there are people who have a much harder time with regards to their sexuality and coming out than we may have had ourselves. My mother is an extremely openminded and liberal person, but she is also quite religious, and coming out to her has not been an easy thing to do. For all that, I will never forget how incredibly lucky and privileged I really am in all this. For one, I will never be judged, persecuted or denied employment because of my sexuality, and for another I get to live in a culture where the chance that someone will try to hurt me or openly deride me for my sexuality is very small.

 

We also mustn't forget the other injustices that are left even in our countries, though. Stereotyping, gay jokes, there are a lot of things we let slide because we've just gotten used to it and it's not so bad. But I won't consider LGBTQ equality to be at an acceptable level until these issues have been dealt with as well, until gay characters on TV are people and not just comic relief, until you can have gay major characters in fiction and popular culture where the fact that they're gay isn't a big deal and doesn't turn the work in question into a 'gay' work, a special interest thing. 

 

I totally agree with this. We mustn't trivialize injustices in progressive countries but we must always realize that there are people out there that have it much worse. It's the only way of getting the whole picture, and the only way of (eventually) abolishing inequalities altogether. 

[Cia]

It's possible to point at a country, or a gender, or a stereotype, and say they have it easier for this or that reason. You can do it for just about anything personal, much less sexuality. What does this teach us? Every situation is different. Every family is different. Every individual's path in life is different. Easy is relative. We should all keep that in mind.

[Ashi]

Okay, first, my take on coming out.  It's not important to me.  Maybe it's important to other.  I had co-workers fired for being non-straight, so it's a very personal issue to me.  It doesn't help that I was a survivor only because I was being a "coward."  I ended up quitting that job.

 

My mom is religious, but she is supportive....  Not agreeing with the way I am, not proud of me, but accept it as the way it is, and still has some hope one day I would change.  Right after I came out, she asked me if there is some sort of surgery that could change me..., and I was like "what?"  When her church gave her Prop 8 propoganda fliers to pass out, I threw all of them away when she was not at home. 

 

My dad shouldn't know, but mom told him behind my back.  Once a while my dad would say things like, "That girl on TV is pretty.  Only if you would try to date one," or "Back then, the worst thing you could do to your parents is not giving them grandchildren."

 

"What do you mean by THAT?"  I usually say, and give him a really harsh scorn. 

 

But he would still do that once a while.  Not everyday, just frequent enough to get you on your nerve.

 

Seriously, I wouldn't come out to my parents unless I got a very serious boyfriend, ready to take him home.  Was it easy to come out?  No.... 

 

Why I was afraid to admit I was gay?  When I was a kid, people always referred to homosexuals as the unmentionable....  I always feared there would be homosexuals hiding in public toilet....  So I always took my best friend to go to a toilet with me....  I guess I didn't want to become "one of them."  Now I know better.  I don't have to be a butt poacher to be a homo.  I could be a dick hunter.  Just kidding. 

 

Coming out is hard because theres always that chance you will disappoint, anger, and/or let down those you care about. It is especially difficult if those people you care about have expectations for what you should do and what you should accomplish, and being gay has the possibility to interfere with that. 

 

When I was in high school, it was expected of me to play football. It wasn't really much of a choice, it was just something I did. The last place anyone wants to be gay is on a football team. Combine the general homophobia of the sport with the small minded, redneck attitude of the dominant personalities on the team, and I wasn't about to come out. Coming out would have basically destroyed any chance of playing any more, and not playing would have been letting down my parents, other family members, friends, and coaches. Back then, I would have rather been miserable and upheld other people's wants and expectations then do what I really wanted to do. I would have rather quit football, gotten out of that toxic environment, and have gone and done my own thing, but I didn't and I suffered for that choice. Why? All to uphold someone else's version of myself, instead of my own. Its a mistake I'll never make again.

 

Its all about the fear of disappointing because of our pack mentality. Its why effeminate, obviously gay guys have it easier despite being harassed more. Nobody has expectations for them, so if they act that way nobody really cares because everyone expects it. If they don't, well no big deal, he's finally starting to act "like a real man". Masculine gay guys who aren't obvious don't have that luxury of "acting up to the standard", because they are already perceived to be at the "straight masculine standard" and anything other than that is considered lowering yourself by many. So guys like me have no other choice, at least in our teenage years, other than to uphold "the standard" even if it makes us miserable because anything else would be a let down. 

 

Oh, well, I think you shouldn't regret joining the football team, because you got nice arms as the result. 

 

But effeminate gay guys don't have it easier....  Maybe just different experience, and differen ways of channel out our sexuality.  I think I was probably someone's butt of jokes back in high school, though I didn't know why (because I didn't realize I was being "different" and I never tried to be "gay" because my sexuality was still latent at that time).  But I think I can understand your "uphold to the standard" issue.  I think I am still expected to act like a man, when they want me to be a man.  While other times, I am just this fairy figure, who provides laughters.  So I learned to laugh with them.  Before I learned the art of self-ridicule and be proud of my "defect," it was really sad, especially when I forgot to act like a man....  Or I could be the militant, "go to hell, you biggoted bastard.  I am gay and I'll shove it in your face, and you can't stop me" type.  Either way, I need to find a way to accept myself, so I can be comfortably gay to myself.  And I chose to the former.  I don't really care what other people think of me at this moment in time, I just want to be me.

 

Anyways, I like differences.  If there is no gay guy like you who possesses such cute, hard-earned physique, then I think the entire gay porn industry that fills people with straight boi fantasy would collapse....  Just kidding.    (Hmm, that makes me sound like I am horny for well-built guy)

 

Now, this post will self-destruct in 5 seconds....

Edited January 3, 2014 by Ashi

[Celethiel]

I say we start our own gay only country