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Ashi

How Do You Define Your Own Precious Sexuality?

What defines you more as a gay person?  

22 members have voted

  1. 1. What defines you more as a gay person?

    • Physical bonding between another member of the same gender
      4
    • Emotional bonding between another member of the same gender
      18


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So... the mega-million question everyone some time in their life would ask themselves. 

 

Please be honest about your own selection.  That is, how you truly believe and practice in your own life, not what is considered socially acceptable (which could go either way, by the way), or what you believe to be the ideal.

 

If you have a background story that affects how you define your own sexuality, feel free to share at your own comfort level.

 

This is by no mean a scientific study, but a survey out of curiosity.  It is not to be used to define what sexuality is in an objective measure.  So please keep it civil and academic.

 

And I keep it only two options so it forces people to choose only one.  I know to plenty of us love and sex are inseparable.  But if you can only choose having just one, which would you be rather having?

 

Currently I am limiting the question to only gay people (gay and lesbian), because I believe it might be more helpful to understand just one focused group rather than include bisexual, pansexual, asexual, straight people into the formula, who might have very different answers due to very different circumstances.  If this survey proves to be meaningful (and please keep it civil and academic), then we'll move on to other spectrum of the sexuality.  Let's face it, it's pretty complex just within this selected group.  I confess Lesbians might have very different rationale than gay people also, but I believe it's good to include lesbians in this mix, due to the commonality that our relationship is strictly committed to just one gender (besides straight couples).

 

I will reveal my own opinion on this subject later, as not to sway the outcome of this survey by setting a tone.

 

So what do you think that made you gay?  Sex or Love?

Edited by Ashi

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Neither.  These are aspects of my sexuality, not things that define it or "made" it.

Edited by JackBinimbul
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I find males to be so much easier to deal with. I feel I get along with guys so much better than females, i do have female friends though. Also a large part has todo with the way guys think, I find it attractive.

Sex to me is just a bonus.

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I can't rightfully say it's either, or perhaps I could say it's both at the same time? I can see it both ways, but I don't think either is quite adequate.

 

I've used both of these thought processes before in order to attempt to diagnose my sexuality, and all it has done in the end is bring me more questions.

 

I define gay as "attracted to a person of the same gender", and the key word in there is 'attraction'. For some people, that attraction is emotional, and for others it's physical, and for some people it is both in equal amounts.

 

But what it comes down to, after everything, is that 'gay' is simply a label, and like all labels, it falls short of being able to cover the entire scope of human experience within it's tiny three letter packaging. Am I gay because I have loved men, both emotionally and physically? You can see it that way, surely. But I've also loved women, and at least one of them I've loved as deeply on both an emotional and physical scale as the man I've love the most in my life. So, does that mean I'm bisexual, or does that mean I'm gay when I'm with a guy, and straight when I'm with a woman? I prefer to think of myself as "me", and to not define myself as a "gay person", a "straight person", a "bisexual person", or anything else. I only use terms such as these when I'm communicating to another person, in order to help them understand me quickly.

 

But I don't believe it can possibly be this simple. Sexuality is both immensely complex in form, and simple to understand (Unless you're some sort of backwater bigot). It is complex because it is a wide spectrum, with many people falling in the middle rather than the extremes. There are so many shifts and turns in human sexuality that we could get lost in it forever if allowed to explore it fully. Do you know that there's massive lists of terms at http://www.asexuality.org/en/ for defining where someone fits on the scale of "non-traditional" human attraction? I swear they add new terms to it every day! That was hyperbole, but it really is amazing how many terms have been defined for differences in human sexuality.

And then, human sexuality is also simple, because in its barest form, all it means is that Person A feels this way about Person B, and it is up to them to decide what to do about it.

I don't define myself as a gay person, so I can't answer the poll, but I do define myself as being free to love whom I want to love, both physically and emotionally. That's the best i can do. :)

Some links to what I was referring to:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123256-asexuality-sexual-orientation-lexicon-read-me/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/120155-gender-definitions-master-list-draft/

 

 http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/76092-romantic-and-aromantic-lexicon-and-faq/

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I prefer to think of myself as "me", and to not define myself as a "gay person", a "straight person", a "bisexual person", or anything else. I only use terms such as these when I'm communicating to another person, in order to help them understand me quickly.

 

"in order to help them understand me quickly"

 

In certain situations, it makes things a lot simpler, and answers the question at hand. If I say gay, it shuts down phobic rants.

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I can't rightfully say it's either, or perhaps I could say it's both at the same time? I can see it both ways, but I don't think either is quite adequate.

 

Umm....  Cynus....  I am not asking what's your sexuality.  I know your sexuality already, cause we had a deep conversation about it.  I am sorry if this poll offends you....  But the thing is..., the Poll is not about your sexuality, but rather, if you happen to be gay, then what's the most defining character that made you think you're gay?

 

Maybe I am so far into the strictly gay side, the possibility of a relationship with a lady doesn't even register into the my brain, so to me it's all about whether it's physical or emotional bonding part of me that defines who I am....  And this very narrow scope survey is about this very specific aspect of sexuality.  Remember I said it's very academic, and the very reason I think I shall refrain from adding other spectrum of sexuality into the survey, because it CAN become way too complex to do a survey on.

 

I respect your sexuality and I knew about bisexuality side of the story more than a decade ago..., when I met "the ex."  He's such a darling but we were just looking for different things.

 

Anyways....  My answer to my own poll:

 

 

I've been thinking about this a lot..., and I don't think I've ever stop thinking about it ever since I became honest about my sexuality. When I was younger, I was very frustrated by this annoying desire for people of my own gender. I looked at people for role models, how to behave as a gay man, and I was constantly reminded gay guys were defined by who they were sleeping with. Sure, I do like men and couldn't even get aroused by a woman. However, is that really it?

 

For a long time I felt my feeling is alone. Sometimes I even feel effeminate and romantic because of it.... Whatever that means. As I met more and more gay people, I felt I just discovered atomic theory. For the first time I was not alone; sex without love could feel like rape IS a valid feeling among gay men. On the other hand, for some gay people, love could only exist if sexual desire was fulfilled first.

 

Is love a bonus to you, on top of the wonderful sex, or is sex a wonderful bonus out of love's labor? Basically that's what it boils down to.

 

This poll isn't to deny either approach of relationship. They both exist. I just want to know about the percentage of people are from each camp. After all I felt I was in such a minority (within a sexual minority to begin with), it was such a scary place to be, not to mention I felt like a freak for wanting love. And understanding of each camp's reasoning is vitally important. Because even though we call ourselves "homosexuals" doesn't mean every aspect of us is the same.

 

I want to love..., a man. I've been thinking about men because of my hormone, and that's very physical, but that's not the same as loving a man. So to me, emotional bonding defines my sexuality more.

 

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Umm....  Cynus....  I am not asking what's your sexuality.  I know your sexuality already, cause we had a deep conversation about it.  I am sorry if this poll offends you....  But the thing is..., the Poll is not about your sexuality, but rather, if you happen to be gay, then what's the most defining character that made you think you're gay?

 

I'll respond in depth when I get a chance, but I was definitely not offended. :) I was only trying to offer up another way of looking at things. There was a time when I did self-identify as a gay man, and even then I would have had a hard time telling you if it was because I was emotionally or physically attracted to guys. I'm just saying that it's a whole package deal, to me, and even the most carefully constructed poll wouldn't give me enough room to write my answer. :D

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Sexual interest is my dictionary definition, but emotional connection is what makes me unique and "gay" instead of merely a homosexual :lol:

 

I think there is a difference in terms, "Gay" is synonymous with homosexuality, but it is not identical.

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Well I'd like to just say both. But when I met my husband, it was a good long while before I loved him enough to sleep with him. So to me both are important, but the emotional bond had to come before the physical.

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Labels are for cans of spam, the size of memory cards and boxers.

 

They don't fit people especially well.

Edited by jamessavik
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I'd have to say, I am attracted to guys over girls. I also connect with guys better, I always have. In my relationship, we connected instantly. I can't describe it. He is amazing, he is what I have been looking for. So yes, I am sexually attracted to him. But, more importantly, it's an emotional connection.

 

I felt I should add this to what I was saying earlier on in this poll.

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In my point of view, I don't think either of option never gave a perfect meaning of any label even they are combined. No option is limited to understand yourself. But to give a near idea of what You are to others, you can label yourself if you want.

 

Not just physical and/or emotional aspects are enough to tell what You are...

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Emotional. I am a Kinsey 5. I am homoflexible. If I see a really beautiful woman, I may be physically attracted. Emotionally, I am gay, through and through. I need a man emotionally and spiritually and prefer men physically. 

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One fulfills the other. They are a looped continuum for me. I cannot divorce the two essences from each other.

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This was a tough question for me.

I'm far more focused on the emotional aspects of being gay.  But doesn't the emotion stem from the physical?  I think it does - our sexuality drive is hardwired into us.  Sex and attraction are primal instincts.  But I do spend more time being enchanted by romance and personality as opposed to just boinking and hot guys 😋

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In my college years and early-mid 20s, it was very much about raw, physical attraction. I was exploring all this newfound freedom I had as a young gay guy in the big city. I had boyfriends too, but looking back I was much more interested in Mr. Right Now and whatever I wanted at that moment. I was a creature of the clubs and bars, and that lifestyle fed into the spur of the moment attitude toward my sexuality that I had. There was also a bit of an ego healing that went with it. I grew up internalizing all sorts of homophobia and hatred for what I was, and suddenly I could gain all this attention and positivity for being animalisticly sexual with all these other guys. It was a weird way of healing, but it also wasn't the healthiest way to overcome all that either. 

Eventually life changed, I got a little older, a little wiser, and a little more sure of what I wanted. I finally met someone who I really connected with on a level I hadn't experienced before. For the first time in my adult life, I've been monogamous, and happy to be that way. While we definitely still enjoy the sexual side of our relationship, it's much more emotional, and I feel like that is the main spark that keeps it going. Ironically we are still both creatures of the night and spend most weekends going out, but I've re-learned how to enjoy all those late nights without the sexual aspect. In a way, I actually like it more now that it doesn't factor into the equation. 

 

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On 5/22/2020 at 9:02 AM, TetRefine said:

In my college years and early-mid 20s, it was very much about raw, physical attraction. I was exploring all this newfound freedom I had as a young gay guy in the big city. I had boyfriends too, but looking back I was much more interested in Mr. Right Now and whatever I wanted at that moment. I was a creature of the clubs and bars, and that lifestyle fed into the spur of the moment attitude toward my sexuality that I had. There was also a bit of an ego healing that went with it. I grew up internalizing all sorts of homophobia and hatred for what I was, and suddenly I could gain all this attention and positivity for being animalisticly sexual with all these other guys. It was a weird way of healing, but it also wasn't the healthiest way to overcome all that either. 

Eventually life changed, I got a little older, a little wiser, and a little more sure of what I wanted. I finally met someone who I really connected with on a level I hadn't experienced before. For the first time in my adult life, I've been monogamous, and happy to be that way. While we definitely still enjoy the sexual side of our relationship, it's much more emotional, and I feel like that is the main spark that keeps it going. Ironically we are still both creatures of the night and spend most weekends going out, but I've re-learned how to enjoy all those late nights without the sexual aspect. In a way, I actually like it more now that it doesn't factor into the equation.

Wait wait wait wait.... Is that Matt?

Erm....  Wow!

When are you going to introduce me your bf?  Is he someone we know?  Just kidding.   You don't have to share if you don't want to, but I mean I am very happy for you.  I just didn't realize this thread is still alive.  Cool.

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On 5/23/2020 at 11:19 PM, Ashi said:

Wait wait wait wait.... Is that Matt?

Erm....  Wow!

When are you going to introduce me your bf?  Is he someone we know?  Just kidding.   You don't have to share if you don't want to, but I mean I am very happy for you.  I just didn't realize this thread is still alive.  Cool.

I know, lol. Sometimes even I'm surprised when I realize how much has changed. And no, he's no-one from here. I met him actually at a circuit party one weekend while I was up in New York. It started out as a summer fling (among several others), but he was totally different. Tomorrow it'll be two years since we met, and we're now in the process of buying an apartment together.

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9 hours ago, TetRefine said:

I know, lol. Sometimes even I'm surprised when I realize how much has changed. And no, he's no-one from here. I met him actually at a circuit party one weekend while I was up in New York. It started out as a summer fling (among several others), but he was totally different. Tomorrow it'll be two years since we met, and we're now in the process of buying an apartment together.

OMG.  Wow.  That's like super wonderful.  One day.  I might find someone like that, too... hopefully.  Congrats.

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