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Cards on the Table - 6. Chapter 6 Double Solitaire
Chapter 6
Kendall was just finishing up what had proved to be a very tough day. Mondays often came with a long exasperating list of resident complaints to deal with, and this was one of the worst in recent memory. Imaginary sounds in the hallways had to be investigated thoroughly, and the video feeds checked. Of course all registered visitors were suspicious characters in the eyes of the more paranoid residents blessed with way too much time on their hands. Scratches on mailboxes meant sinister attempts at identity theft and any new cars in the parking garages were major concerns. But it was Kendall's job to allay all these fears no matter how ridiculous he thought them to be. Once in a while the concerns and suspicions were legitimate ones. Investigate and report. That consumed most of his Monday. Slowly releasing pent-up air, he tried to let go of some of the stress he was feeling.
Spending a lot of time with Chet was both good and bad. They were becoming close friends. He was a good, no, amazing guy, and they got along like a house on fire. Sometimes though, he felt the pressure of Chet's not so casual interest in him. There was no doubt the guy was extremely attractive. There was nothing about him that wasn't appealing... but Kendall wasn't ready. As hard as he tried to let go of Michael, and as necessary as he knew it was, he wasn't able to cross that bridge... not yet, anyway. It was coming up on a month since he had seen or heard from him, and he still wasn't able to let go.
It was time, though, and he knew it. He resolved to start moving forward, beginning now. He was taking Chet to dinner tonight to thank him for driving him to and from his hockey game this past weekend while Beauty was in for front-end work. Maybe he would try to be a little more conducive to the idea of there being something more between them. He had to admit he was curious about actually being with a man, but that wasn't a reason to lead Chet on. He deserved a guy who would return his feelings. They had talked in general about casual sex and both had the same idea about it. Neither one thought much of it.
Looking at the time, he realized he had to get a move on. Chet was coming to pick him up and take him over to the dealership to rescue Beauty from all those strangers who had been poking at her. The man was quite amused at his attachment to his truck, and razzed him about it to no end. Kendall didn't mind, though. He knew it was weird, and wasn't surprised he didn't get it the way Michael had.
A quick relay of instructions to Jeremy, who'd just arrived for his shift, and Kendall was out the door. Exiting the building in a rush, he expected to find Chet waiting for him. Instead, he was taken completely by surprise at the sight of Michael leaning against his navy blue truck in the front circle, clearly waiting for him. His heart suffered the immediate effects of seeing his friend in the flesh again. Instantly, it began racing like a runaway train. At a loss for words, he stopped dead and stared. Why, oh why, did he have to look so good in those faded jeans and the V-necked tee that matched his eyes? Kendall loved that shirt. Even though they were a good distance apart, he could have sworn he'd caught the man's scent for a second.
Michael's big beaming smile faded as he watched a stricken look come over Kendall's face. All the confidence and determination he'd brought with him deflated as he saw that panicked expression. It was like a knife to the gut. Trying not to show his hurt, he stepped forward, hoping his old friend would follow suit. He didn't. He stood his ground in an almost defensive stance, and Michael began to feel like the enemy. He couldn't let it deter him. He knew this wasn't going to be easy, but didn't think it would be so hard. Still, he was prepared to knock down walls if he had to. "Deuce, we need to.... " That was as far as he got.
"What are you doing here?" Kendall asked sharply, interrupting him.
Michael witnessed his previously panicked expression change to a resolute one. It wasn't exactly cold, but it was firm, and he reeled from it.
"We had an agreement, didn't we? You agreed. You said you understood. The distance. I need that, and you said you understood. Why are you doing this now? I'm finally getting somewhere with my life, and now you show up?"
Taken aback by the accusatory tone, he was at a temporary loss for words as they stared at one another. Fuck. Now what? "I'm... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shown up like this. You're right. This wasn't what... it wasn't fair... but, I think we need to talk. I mean I know we need to talk. I need to talk."
"Dammit, Ace! It's not about what you need. For God's sake, don't you get that? I can't let you back in to my life anymore... not right now. It fucks me up, and I won't go back to that. You don't understand what it's been like for me. Look... I'm finally ready to move on. I need to... and you have to just let things be. Nothing is your fault, but we've already done all the talking, and there's nothing more to say. Sorry, but I have to go." His near hysteria changed to sadness and resignation. "I'm sorry... I don't mean to be a dick, I really don't. It's just that I'm fighting for my life here... and... and I really need you to understand."
"I love you, Kendall. I need you to know that."
"Sorry, I really do have to go now. My ride's here." He looked past him to where Chet had parked his Jeep, and then looked back at Michael, a little more subdued. "I know you do, and that means a lot, it does, but it doesn't change anything. Yeah... I have to go. Take care of yourself. And Michael, I know this is hard for you too, but please don't come by anymore. It hurts." He walked away quickly and got in the Jeep.
Chet's curious eyes met his before he backed out of his spot and pulled away.
Michael was trying to understand why that had gone so bad. He didn't even remember getting back in the truck, but here he was behind the steering wheel, trying to recall the conversation. One thing for sure, he'd picked the wrong time to show up. Chet, that bastard, probably heard the whole thing. He was likely smug as shit. As he pictured the man's face as he drove out, though, he'd looked almost sympathetic. Yeah, sympathy for the loser. Michael's mind went to that place where he wondered how close they really were. The thought of them together both sickened him and pissed him off. He might be the loser today, but he wasn't going to give up. He and Kendall belonged together. But... oh shit... what if Kendall had really fallen for Chet. He had to admit the guy was good-looking.
He couldn't handle the thought, until he heard his mother's voice in his head, and her parting words from early that morning. 'Bonnie boy, if he loved you a month ago, he's still going to love you months from now. One of the defining things about him is his loyalty. You know that... don't fret... you know what you want now, so go get it'. He had to have faith. His mom was always right. What she did for him this past weekend was further proof of that. She knew him better than he knew himself... and she knew Kendall.
He'd been sitting there long enough that he knew one of Kendall's employees would soon come out to ask why. He ran a tight ship, something Michel was proud of him for. Instead of wallowing in disappointment after not getting hired on by a police force, despite impeccable qualifications, he'd gone ahead and carved himself out a hell of a career. He made a lot more money than he ever would have as a cop, and Michael had always been in awe of what he'd achieved.
Pulling out of Kendall's workplace, he headed towards home. Socializing wasn't something he did anymore. He was tired of the wrong people hitting on him and he refused to ever use another woman again. He had always been a social animal in the past, but that was when he had the security of knowing his best friend was always there for him... like he was his other half. Now that he had allowed his feelings for the man to surface, there was no putting them back, and he couldn't go out and pretend everything was fine... that he was fine. He would grab some mindless action movie, order a pizza, and lick his wounds in solitude.
Turning into the parking lot of Video Video, he suddenly realized what his biggest mistake had been. He should have said he was in love with him; not that he loved him. He sat in his truck thinking about it. It soon became clear, though, it wouldn't have made any difference. With the state the man was in, he wouldn't have heard it, and if he did, he wouldn't have believed it because of the obvious fact he wasn't ready.
Michael saw now what he'd actually done. He'd ambushed the guy, in the worst place at the worst time, and made a mess of it. Kendall couldn't be pushed, and he of all people knew that. Instead of beating himself up about it, he would just have to be smarter next time. If at first you don't succeed, try till you bleed. That works. It had to.
Feeling a little better about things, he finally picked a movie... "Pitch Black". It looked crazy enough to numb his mind for a while. He headed home after paying for his selection. Slowing down for the light ahead, he looked over in time to see Kendall and his new best friend heading into Rizzoli's Italian Palace, laughing as they were going through the door. Every precarious ounce of good feeling deserted him upon seeing them together. Rizzoli's was a place you would take a date to. He knew that from first-hand experience. The place was romantic, and much of their business was catering to couples. Were Kendall and Chet really together? He was instantly overcome with nausea, and knew pizza would not be happening tonight. Maybe at Rizzoli's, but not at his lonely apartment.
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"You can drop the act, Kendall. You don't have to pretend for me. We're friends, okay? You're pretty shook up and I don't mind talking about it."
"He just caught me by surprise. I'm fine, really. Maybe a glass of wine would be a good idea."
"It's more than that and we both know it. He couldn't have affected you like that if you didn't still love him. I told you there's no need to hide things from me. I'm a big boy."
Kendall looked at him and smirked. "You certainly are."
"Hey, have you been peeking?" Now Chet was smiling as he raised his eyebrows.
"About as much as you have, big boy." It felt good to be able to joke.
"Guilty," Chet confessed, and they were both able to laugh, breaking the tension Kendall had been feeling.
They went ahead and ordered their salads and entrees, both a little more relaxed. Each ordered a small glass of red to complement their choices and they settled back to chit chat, the seriousness temporarily forgotten. Halfway through their meal, Kendall posed the question that had been on his mind for quite a while. "Chet, what do you want from me? Sorry about being so blunt but I can't come up with any other words." He didn't know if this topic was wise to get into, but he couldn't have it hanging over their heads any longer.
Chet went to speak, and then hesitated. It was obvious he wanted to get this right. "I've been alone for more than a year now, and I'll admit I'm lonely. You're the first guy to pique my interest since... well, since somebody else. If you don't mind, I don't want to dwell on the past. The point is, I like you. I would someday like it to be more, but I'll settle for friendship. Okay, that's not what I meant. I'm not settling for your friendship. I really enjoy how we get along. You're a cool guy to hang out with. I like you and I respect you, and admit I'm crushing on you. But, I'm also not stupid. You're not ready... for me or anyone else. If you came on to me, as hard as it would be, I would turn you down, or at least I'd try."
Kendall chuckled at that, needing some humor at such an intense time.
"Hey, I'm not perfect, you know," he teased. "Seriously though, you are still deeply in love with that guy, and I'd be a damn fool not to see it. If you ever manage to move past it, I'm here... no pressure and no expectations. So my answer is that I don't want anything from you but what we already have, and that won't change unless you are over him. I know about loving someone who doesn't love you back, and I don't ever want that again."
"So you understand how badly I need to do just that? Get over him? He can never love me back either," Kendall said, becoming awfully interested in his cutlery as he looked down.
"Are you sure about that?"
His gaze lifted. What was the man getting at? "What are you trying to say?"
It was Chet's turn to fidget. "Listen... I might be cutting my own throat here, but I think you should talk to him, now that he's had some time. I don't think it's as cut and dried as you believe. I'm pretty sure he has feelings for you that go beyond friendship, and I've thought that from the first time I saw you guys together."
What the hell? Why was Chet doing this? Kendall was almost angry at his new friend's supposition. "Seriously?" He snorted as he set his fork down. "You couldn't be more wrong. Michael is straight with a capital S... the definition of a pussy hound... I mean respectful and all, but still a pussy hound. He's scored more times than Gretzky, and that's not really a joke. He has never, ever, shown any interest in me or any other guy that way. For fuck sake, man, you're off your rocker if you think he cares for me as anything more than a friend. That's almost funny." Only there was no amusement coming from Kendall when he was done. He winced at the despair in his own voice.
"Okay, fair enough. You know better than I do. Maybe you're right... but hey, I still think you should talk to him at some point. He seemed pretty desperate to speak to you, that's for sure. I'm just saying... don't get pissed at me. I'll lay off now, and I'm sorry if it seemed like I was butting in. Are we good?"
"Yeah, we're good. To being good friends." He raised his glass in a toast. He didn't want to think about talking to Michael. It hurt way too much to look at him and know he could never have him, never be loved by him. He didn't know how he coped with that fact for as long as he did. At that moment, his face came into view unbidden, and he could picture him perfectly, and hear him say 'I love you, Kendall'. Too bad he didn't mean it the way he wanted him to.
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Michael couldn't get the running pictures of Kendall out of his mind. The compulsion to pick up the phone and call him was so strong that he had to get off the couch and walk around his apartment, clenching and unclenching his hands as he struggled to calm down. The sight of him and Chet laughing and walking into Rizzoli's was pushing him towards irrational. He knew he had to chill out. They were just going to eat, for fuck sake. It wasn't like he saw them kissing or, God forbid, fucking.
With that thought coming to the fore, he hurried to the toilet and emptied his roiling stomach. Fuck. This was a torture like nothing he'd ever experienced before. He had no idea what he should be doing... just that he had to do something. He had to fight. There was no way he was going to stand by and let Chet steal away the man he loved. God, he hated that name. It sounded like one of those guys from the old Gidget and beach movies Kendall had made him watch. Like Biff, or Chad, or that weird one they both laughed at... Moondoggie. Yeah, that was it. As his stomach started to settle, so did he.
He thought about his mom, and what she would say. He could hear her in his head. The first thing she would say is that Moondoggie wasn't the issue. It was about regaining Kendall's trust, the right way. She would also tell him that it wasn't about her bonnie boy's pain; it was about Kendall's. He was in a world of hurt. He realized now that was the reason he'd acted the way he had when Michael ambushed him. The panic was because of hurting, not because he was pissed at him. Okay, he was pissed too, but more because he was caught off-guard.
So what was he going to do about it? He expected the man to trust him now, after letting him down so many times because he hadn't been able to let his true feelings surface, so how could he expect any less of himself? He had to have faith in his friend, the one he knew so well. He was fun-loving and spirited, but he wasn't impulsive, and he would have to trust that. He might be thinking about Chet as a partner, but the guy he knew would be slow to move on it. He sure as hell wouldn't use anyone. Moondoggie might be a threat, but he needed to believe he still had a chance at getting through to Kendall.
He sighed. In a perfect world, he would just tell him he was in love with him and that would be it. But it wasn't a perfect world. Kendall's shields were up, and a lot of damage had been done. In his eyes, Michael probably looked like the straightest guy in the world, and his lack of response to Kendall's declaration of love would appear to prove it. That had been his big chance and he'd blown it. It couldn't be his only chance, though. That conclusion was unthinkable. He couldn't deny the urgency he felt over it... he had to try again, and soon.
He wandered aimlessly about the small kitchen, random thoughts hitting him in no particular order. He looked at Kendall's box of cereal in the cupboard. He'd always kept it around for him, back when he seemed to be here as much as he was. He used to joke that it was like chewing whole acorns, it was so crunchy. Nature's Choice Muesli. Gross.
It slowly occurred to him calling Kendall wouldn't have worked, anyway. He wouldn't have picked up, and no way did he want to leave a voicemail. He had to figure out a way for them to talk face to face, at a time his friend would be in the right frame of mind to listen. He was probably still eating dinner with Moondoggie. Maybe he would be lucky and that guy would choke to death on something. Jeez... where was this coming from? He knew his hatred for Chet was ridiculous, but jealousy overrode his logic.
Going back to the cupboard, he took down the unopened box of cereal gravel and contemplated it. What the hell. His stomach had settled down now, and he hadn't eaten anything since lunch. Grabbing the milk out of the fridge, he noticed the expiration date. Not good. Checking the fridge again, he came up with orange juice as the only option. Well, this should be interesting. And it was. Michael was surprised it actually tasted good... and eating Kendall's cereal made him feel closer to him somehow. He smiled to think he could never tell the man about this, though, or he would never live it down. While it really was tasty, he definitely needed to brush and floss after eating it.
Heading to the bathroom, he detoured to the bedroom and opened the drawer holding some of Kendall's stuff. He took out one of his older, well-worn caps and brought it up to his nose. There it was; that unique Kendall smell. He breathed it in deeply, and it filled him with a serenity and a determination to have the scent around him all the time again. He was actually humming to himself as he took care of the cereal gravel that had infiltrated his often-complimented-on teeth. He did his usual inspection and was satisfied.
Michael could hear his phone alert go off out in the living room. Hoping Kendall had changed his mind about talking to him, he rushed out to grab it. Disappointment surged through him as he read the text from Coach telling him to be at Stouffville Arena on Saturday morning for the Gwillumbury Cup tournament. Fuck, what a letdown. Kendall changing his mind would have been too easy. He was tempted to text Coach and tell him he couldn't make it... a work excuse would do, but he would most likely be suspended or even booted off the team. Michael loved playing hockey, but his heart was no longer in it. He lay back on the couch, trying to clear his mind of the disappointment he still felt. He closed his eyes, and eventually relaxed, soon drifting towards sleep.
With a start, he jumped up. Something had just seeped into his brain... a possibility that things could be working in his favor. Grabbing his phone, he sent off a quick text to one of his teammates, and paced anxiously while waiting for an answer. It took ten long minutes before an answering text arrived. He knew he had texted the right guy when the information he requested showed up in the text. And there it was. Badgers. The Unionville Badgers were in the same tournament... his old team... Kendall's team! He would be at the same tournament. Unless he backed out once he discovered Michael would be there. No, that wasn't Kendall. He would be there. He'd never let his teammates down. Not like a selfish-feeling Michael had just been contemplating. Hopefully, the spirits or whatever would align, and he would get his chance to talk to him. Maybe not about specifics, but at least he could try to set something up where they could have that talk. Kendall was always happiest when he was playing hockey.
Walking back to his friend's drawer, he stared into it thoughtfully. Lying to one side were two pair of hockey socks. Unless Kendall had bought new ones, he would need these if his team advanced. He always liked to change socks between tournament games. Should he call him and offer to bring them to him? No. He would wait to hear from him. Maybe Kendall would call and ask him about them if he knew Michael would be there too. If not, he would take them with him anyway, and that would give him an excuse to approach him. In five fucking days, he would have a chance. Was it safe to wait that long? The thought made him very nervous, and served to temper the hope and excitement he felt.
He was physically drained by all the emotions swirling through him. The anticipation that had him flying that morning had ended up in a crash and burn. Now, he had the makings of a plan and some hope to go with it. Stripping, he headed for bed, sliding under the covers, holding onto some optimism as his thoughts settled on the handsome blond. It wasn't enough. He got back up and headed out through the darkened apartment to the hall closet. Reaching into the inky blackness, he found what he was looking for, and walked cautiously back to his room. Sliding into his big comfortable bed, he pulled the old hoodie up close to his face so he could breathe in Kendall's scent as he drifted into dreamland. It wasn't as good as the real thing, but it would have to do... for now.
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