Timmy's Journal - 34. Haiku #2 - Poetry Prompt 11

Love them both, tim! The first is beautiful and sad, and I love the question you pose in the second one... well done, my friend... cheers... Gary...

Haiku and it's related form Tanka are favorite styles of mine. I think you've done very well meeting the intent of the prompt. Expressing your thought within the limiting constraints of the form.

I think you described your thoughts and feelings without reporting here, especially in the first. The second raises an intriguing thought...the sparrow pitying you at the window. What about its glimpse into your life would make it do so? I think both of these express pain and unhappiness well; in that sense, you have done very well, indeed.

Like Parker, my first question about #2 was why. Why would the sparrow pity you what did he see? He could be thinking "Man, what I wouldn't give to curl up on that couch.. But no I have to build a nest, find food, dodge that darned cat.." He could be envious..
But, I loved them both. Didn't feel like reporting to me, so I'd say you did great..

On 05/17/2016 04:04 AM, Headstall said:

Love them both, tim! The first is beautiful and sad, and I love the question you pose in the second one... well done, my friend... cheers... Gary...

Thank you Gary! We get little sparrows on the kitchen window sill. I just wander what they think of us being inside...

On 05/17/2016 04:30 AM, dughlas said:

Haiku and it's related form Tanka are favorite styles of mine. I think you've done very well meeting the intent of the prompt. Expressing your thought within the limiting constraints of the form.

Thanks so much dugh! I want to get on with the prompts. Glad these worked...

On 05/17/2016 05:09 AM, Parker Owens said:

I think you described your thoughts and feelings without reporting here, especially in the first. The second raises an intriguing thought...the sparrow pitying you at the window. What about its glimpse into your life would make it do so? I think both of these express pain and unhappiness well; in that sense, you have done very well, indeed.

Thanks Parker. I think the question in the second one, is me just wondering if the sparrow pitied me for being in a cage or sorts...that's all.

Both are beautiful, and I'm glad you worked through the Poetry Prompt. The emotional POV you show here is exactly the type I think Issa used so well and so effectively. You've done it! And, the poems are touching and 'real' too, which gives them instant accessibility to every reader. That's the main thing. Very well done.

I really enjoyed both poems. The first speaks to me on a more personal level though, having been through the same thing. I think I preferred the first version. Deaf heart seems to give an impression that you didn't "hear" your love, or Ripley's love until that moment, and I know that wasn't true. (again, just an impression, I know that's not what you intended)

I really don't know a pet and owner relationship, because I don't have any. But your Haiku showed me a lot how much it can build between a pet and its owner. And you have written it in a great way. Yeah it is full of sadness, but you have showed it beautifully.

Here I agree with Lit about the part of 'Deaf Heart', it sound like a stony heart, in a way. And on the other side it even looks like a 'story heart can love' way.

And the second poem, that was just wow. You have compared the freedom as a bird, teasing the little human life like 'what a structured life you build around yourself!'; which reflected as a cage. It has been greatly presented...

~Emi.