The Best Year - 19. Chapter 19

After practice and answering a shit ton of questions from Mom and surprisingly Dad, I wanted to eat the healthy concoction that wouldn’t satisfy me and get the hell over to Toby’s for the party. I missed hanging out with them outside of school, it seemed so long since we were all together and not under parental supervision. I also wanted a distraction from Ally and Luke. The best way to do that was to be shit faced with friends that wouldn’t ask me too many questions.

It was also odd that both Mom and Dad knew I was running off to an unsupervised party. It didn’t seem as badass with them knowing. Although, I could tell with Mom and Dad’s persistent questioning that they were stalling me on purpose. Mom even tried to tempt me with a sugar free, butter free, egg white only cake she baked. Not having anything good in it, I wrinkled my nose and passed on dessert.

“Jackson,” Mom said as I bounded down the stairs holding a bag with a change of clothes and my tent. I planned to stay overnight and up into the morning to fight off any lingering hangover.

“Yeah?” I said as I walked over to the front door. She held up her hand like she was going to stop me from leaving. I could almost see her working up to it.

“Be good, and be safe,” she said letting her hand fall back to her side as Dad came around the corner of the kitchen grimacing after taking a bite out of Mom’s cake. I smirked as he quickly sat it aside and came to stand beside her.

“Do you really think it is a good idea to go out drinking after signing on to work with the Garrisons, Jackson?” Dad asked and I sighed reaching for the door.

“It is just a little fun,” I answered shrugging. “I just want to hang out with the guys. I have my tent, my air mattress and sleeping bag are in the trunk, I’ve done this hundreds of times.”

“We know,” Mom added, shaking her head. “We know you have done this hundreds of times and we’re way too late to tell you to stop now.”

“Just keep in mind that you have a lot more to lose now if you mess up,” Dad added and I was starting to lose the hype of going over to Toby’s farm.

“Okay,” I offered as I opened the door giving them both a quick smile before I stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind me.

Shrugging off their warnings as best I could I smiled when I drove down the road and saw the first few cars parked at the edge of Toby’s Dad’s farm. The sun was still a couple of hours away from setting, the cows we chased a couple times after getting too wasted were down by the edge of the fence picking on grass.

Pulling in beside what looked like Connor’s car, I quickly got out and grabbed my tent. I could already hear excited screaming and shouting and as I stepped around the cars I saw that Toby had outdone himself. That this was the epic party that the girls, Derek, and him had wanted to one up Bailey Ashton. I just didn’t know what all that would entail since I had been grounded and unable to shake Luke to go.

Dropping my tent and my bag beside the rest of the camping gear scattered around the bonfire area I saw Toby checking the hose attached to a large water tank Toby’s Dad had filled and dropped off for the party, then spraying Heather and Lily with a water hose in between filling up a small inflatable pool. That is when I noticed three more scattered in what looked like a diamond shape connected by black plastic.

“Jackson!” Toby yelled when he looked up and spotted me coming to stand beside them. “Hope you brought swimming trunks.”

“I did,” I answered and attempted to dodge the spray of water that he shot towards me. When the cold water hit me squarely on the chest I shuddered as I flipped him off.

“Good man,” he said as I walked up to him and we bumped fists. Then I looked over at the girls and when Heather smiled and waved I felt forgiven for yelling at Ally.

“I talked to her,” Toby whispered as he shot another spray of water towards them. “Ally was being a bitch anyway.”

“Where’s Derek?” I asked, glancing around the field. I saw Connor attempting to set up a tent while Olivia watched. When she turned to see me looking at her she smiled.

“Getting the liquor,” Toby answered, shrugging. “Ally is coming though, dude, sorry I couldn’t tell Heather not to invite her.”

“That’s alright,” I said, sighing and not wanting to talk about Ally. I still felt guilty as fuck for yelling at her, even if she yelled at me too. Mostly because I think she was right to do it. I had been a shitty boyfriend and she still didn’t know just how bad I was.

“Church is here,” he said, his eyes going wide. “I can’t believe it.”

“Where?” I asked nearly forgetting that ‘Church,’ was Luke’s given nickname.

“Gathering firewood,” he answered, smirking. “I hope he doesn’t start preaching after I get him drunk.”

“Shut up,” I groaned, punching him in the arm.

“Hi Jackson,” Lily greeted as she braved coming closer to Toby. She was already dressed in her bathing suit.

“Hey,” I said as she dipped her toe into the pool that Toby was just finishing. It looked like this was the last pool he had to fill up and I knew what they were for. Slip and Slide kickball. That also explained the shopping bag full of cheap dishwashing soap off to the side.

“Do you think it is too cold for this, Toby?” She asked wincing as she removed her toe from the water.

“Fuck no,” he answered, “especially after a few beers.”

“I talked to Ally again, Jackson,” Lily said, stepping closer to me. “Not about getting back together with you or anything, I think that’s over.”

“Yeah,” I grunted and she smiled, shaking her head.

“I also talked to Emma,” she said winking. “But you know as Ally’s friend I have to tell you to please don’t go for it, it might hurt Ally.”

“Right,” I said, trying not to laugh. Only Lily would care enough to tell me any of this and when I glanced at Toby he rolled his eyes and mouthed the word, ‘women,’ before going back to preparing the slip and side.

“But as your friend, Emma is really pretty and nice, so,” Lily added and she seemed to be studying me for some reason. I wanted to ask her more about Ally and Emma, but decided against it.

“I think I’m good for a while,” I answered, reaching up and scratching the back of my head.

“I hope more people start showing their asses soon,” Toby said as he turned the hose off. Over the years the place looked less like a field, the grass had a hard time growing, and there was scattered debris that Toby probably got yelled at over, but still neglected to clean up.

Toby didn’t have to worry though. Soon after Derek arrived with coolers full of beer and fruity junk for the people that didn’t like beer. People rolled in from all over town. Most of the senior class that didn’t care to crash a party they might not have been invited to were here. There were also underclassmen scattered around, some of them already looking like they regretted coming, but there were definitely a lot of people. It made Luke stand out from the crowd though. As everyone was standing around talking or arguing over the music station blaring from Derek’s radio, Luke was the only person still getting the bonfire pit organized.

“Shut the fuck up everybody!” Toby yelled over the crowd and the music. When everyone quieted down he grabbed a cold beer from the cooler. He surprised me when he tossed it over to me, but thankfully when my hands shot out I was able to catch it. “We’re here to celebrate being Seniors and for our boy Jackson, the best fucking thing to happen to this town since some dumbass wanted to stop and live here.”

“Shut up, dude,” I groaned opening my can of beer as my face got hot. Some people standing closest to me patted me on the shoulder and clanked beer cans together, some of them hard enough to jar most of the beer out of my can.

After Toby’s little speech people started paying more attention to the slip and slide and when Toby grabbed the ball I stripped off my shirt and shoes, tossing them on my bag next to my tent. Then we divided into teams, but Luke had picked up the volleyball and headed over with a group of people to play on the net that Toby had also set up a couple of yards away. I watched as he tossed the ball into the air and caught it, ignoring me completely.

“Ready to get started?” Toby asked and I nodded turning back to him. Derek, Toby, the girls and I were all on the same team. We were about to start when Bailey and Ally jogged up to us, taking their clothes off as they did.

Seeing them together I frowned and both Toby and Derek playfully shoved me towards home plate. Then Lily handed me a bottle of soap and I poured it over my chest and rubbed it in. Toby whistled and I threw the bottle at him as Connor got ready to roll the ball. When he did I waited until it got a few feet from me before taking a couple of quick steps forward to meet it. Still on solid ground I was able to get off a good kick before I turned and started down the soapy and wet black plastic.

I didn’t make it far before I fell on my ass. I heard the eruption of laughter behind me as the other team chased the ball down. I scrambled on my hands and knees and managed to dive into the first base pool. The cold water sent a jolt through me, but I was safe. I tried to catch my breath between laughter as I stood and waited for Lily to kick the ball after me.

When she kicked it with a squeal I took off, but this time I slid down onto my stomach and sped down the plastic head first, blinking out the water that Toby had sprayed on the plastic to make it easier for us to slide. The inflatable pool at second, collapsed as I slid over the side. It sent water over the opposite side of the pool. Standing up I looked over at first seeing Lily hiding herself as Derek rushed over with a towel. Then I noticed her blue bikini top lying on the plastic and Toby falling over himself running down to fetch it. Lily’s face was red, but even from here I could tell that she was also laughing.

As she put on her top I looked around to see Luke serving the volleyball over the net. I wanted to walk from second base to go stand beside him. I wanted to talk to him about Charlie from the swimming team. How it could all work out between us if we were careful and how I wanted to try. I still hadn’t been able to catch his attention though, even though I knew he had to know that I was watching for the moment he did look my way.

Then after he served and started towards his position on the makeshift court he did glance over his shoulder towards my group of friends on the slip and slide. We were too far away for me to be sure at who he was looking at though. Sighing, I readied myself to run to third after Derek kicked the ball, but his kick went too high and was caught by Bailey for the first out. He still slid into first, nearly knocking Lily over as she scrambled back.

We didn't stop playing kickball until most of the water had been sloshed out of the pools and the sun lost its potency. Shivering as I made my way to my bag, I quickly grabbed it and walked back around to my car.

Fishing my keys out of my bag, I pressed the trunk button. When my trunk flew open I quickly grabbed towels I always had stashed in my trunk for these types of things. With Toby and Derek I never knew what we would get up to.

Then as I stripped down to my wet boxer briefs I dried off looking around at everyone else rushing from the cool late evening breeze to get into dry and warmer clothes.

It was then I saw a very wet Luke stomping around the parked cars with Derek and Toby right on his heels. I couldn’t hear what they were saying until they got closer to where I was parked.

“Come on, Church, it was a joke!” Derek yelled waving his hands.

“Oliva put us up to it, don’t be pissed,” Toby added as they stepped around the corner of Connor’s car. When Luke saw me standing at the trunk in just a pair of wet blue boxer briefs he stopped walking. Derek and Toby stumbled around him to keep from falling. It didn’t take long for Luke to recover. His arms were crossed over his chest and I could see his teeth chatter against the cold.

“Jack, tell Church we’re always dumbasses,” Derek offered as he stepped around Luke to stand by my side.

“They’re always dumbasses,” I said, not smiling as Luke shook his head and stomped on around my car. I turned to watch him weave through the other parked cars, probably going to wherever he parked his truck.

“Sorry,” Toby offered when I turned back to them.

“You couldn’t let him settle in a little?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“We just wanted to break him in a little bit,” Derek answered, shrugging. “Really he’s been moody ever since he got here, we thought that might break the ice.”

“I’ll go see if he’s still pissed,” I sighed, draping the damp towel around my shoulders, dressed only in my boxer briefs, I grabbed a second one from the trunk. I didn’t bother retrieving my bag from wherever I dumped it by the fire pit.

When I spotted his truck off to the side in the taller unmowed grass. Olivia was just storming off with Connor trailing after her. Luke slammed his truck door closed and leaned up against it with his arms crossed over his chest. He was standing in one of the last rays of sunshine that managed to find its way through the trees. The sky was already turning from a bright orange to the darker shades of blue. Shadows were long and I couldn’t help but notice how far mine stretched as I made my way to him.

“Hey,” I greeted. I knew he had to hear me coming, but he didn’t turn to acknowledge my approach.

“I didn’t want to come,” he said, glancing at me. “I only came to keep an eye on Olivia and she puts Toby and Derek up to dunking me in a pool.”

“I’m sorry about them,” I offered and he shook his head.

“I’m not angry with them,” he said and I noticed that his brown eyes seem to glow a bright amber in the sunlight. He looked like autumn leaning against his truck and I wanted to step closer. “I don’t want to be here.”

“Then go,” I countered nodding my head towards the highway. “Olivia can take care…”

“It’s just not about Olivia,” he interrupted uncrossing his arms. “Are you going to offer me a towel or let me freeze to death?”

“Sorry,” I said biting against my bottom lip to try and keep my temper reeled in. I stepped forward and held out the towel and he grabbed it and shrugged out of his own shirt.

“I have extra clothes in my bag,” I offered and I noticed that some of the tension in his shoulders relaxed when he turned back to me.

“Just leave me alone, okay?” He said as he finished drying his chest then moved down to dry off his legs. He didn’t remove his shorts or his soggy shoes. When he finished he tossed the towel back to me and went back to leaning against his truck.

“Look,” I started, but when he didn’t turn his head my temper did get the better of me. To keep from yelling I turned around leaving him standing there.

By the time I got back to my car Toby and Derek had a nice bonfire going in the firepit. People were already on their second or third beers and the music was back blaring from Derek’s truck. Tents were popping up all over the place so I grabbed my bag from where I left it, snuck back around the cars and quickly changed into dry clothes. On my way back I grabbed my tent roll and walked through the other tents. Not wanting to be in the middle of everyone or close to the fire pit, I didn’t erect my tent until I was a few yards away from everyone else.

When I got back to the bonfire, people were settling down either on the ground, on logs large enough to sit on, or in lawn chairs they brought with them. When I picked up a log large enough for one or two people, I laid it down a yard or so away from the fire. I could still feel the heat on my skin, but it wasn’t intense enough to bother me. Looking around, I noticed that Ally was sitting on Bailey Ashton’s lap feeding him full of beer. When he couldn’t drink it fast enough it dribbled down his chin and onto his chest. Laughing loud enough to be heard over the music and the noise of people, Ally finally took the can away from his mouth.

Glaring at them, I turned back to the fire only to see Luke glaring at me as he sat stubbornly between Connor and Olivia. Every time Connor offered Olivia a drink that wasn’t a pop or a bottled water, Luke would shoot him a look and Olivia would huff and cross her arms. It would have been funny if Luke didn’t look so miserable. Still in his soggy t-shirt and shorts. He had kicked off his shoes and socks to let them dry closer to the fire and when I didn’t look away he shook his head and turned to stare directly at the fire.

I couldn’t help watching the flames burning in his eyes, even from the distance between us. I wanted to tell him about Charlie and how easy it all looked for them. I wanted to see what he would have to say about what I wanted so badly to tell him.

“Hey,” someone greeted as they sat down beside me. When I looked over I saw Lily carrying a beer and a strawberry wine cooler in her hands. It surprised me when she handed me the beer with a smile. Glancing around I saw Toby and Heather cuddled up in a lawn chair together sharing a beer. Toby was running his fingertips up and down her arm and she was smiling as she told him some story that he looked completely enthralled with.

“Hey,” I said, offering her a smile as I popped the tab of my beer. “Where’s Derek?”

“His truck,” she answered glancing over her shoulder. “I’m sorry about Ally, it must be shitty to watch her with him.”

“Not really,” I lied, taking a drink of my beer. Smiling she took a small sip of her wine cooler and my eyes followed her over to Ally and Bailey Ashton’s chair again. This time Ally had replaced her beer with her lips and I felt myself standing then Lily’s cold hand grabbing my wrist.

“No, Jackson,” she whispered, gently pulling me back down.

“That isn’t her,” I countered, not able to turn my attention back to the firepit or anyone else gathered around it.

“Yes, it is,” Lily answered and this time I did turn to see her studying me. “It's you that’s changed.”

“I haven’t changed,” I countered as she let go of my wrist, probably satisfied that I wasn’t going to storm over there and rip Ally off Bailey Ashton’s lousey assed lap and punch him in the face. Not because I wanted Ally back, I didn’t think that I did. When she wasn’t fussing at me over Luke or not being a good boyfriend, she had been a friend and I missed her at my table.

“Luke Clarke is glaring at you,” Lily whispered, “I think he wants to kill Connor too.”

“I wouldn’t want to be Connor right now,” I said, smirking when she laughed. “Derek and Toby already have him pissed.”

“I know,” she said rolling her eyes. “They didn’t mean anything bad by it, Derek says he likes Luke.”

“I know,” I offered. “If it had been me standing there, they would have dunked my ass into the pool.”

“I’m just glad we were already wet,” she added smiling. “Or we would have been.”

“Dude, you moving in on my lady?” Derek asked from behind us. Lily and I both jumped as Derek laughed and unfolded a lawn chair behind the log that Lily and I were sharing.

“Shut up,” I responded elbowing him in the leg. “We’re just talking.”

“I’m going to fucking miss this when it snows,” Derek said, sighing as he chugged a few drinks of his beer. “It’s already getting colder at night.”

“Then this time next year we’ll be in college,” Lily said and I turned to see her staring into the fire, her eyes seemed to tear up. She was already feeling the bittersweet feeling that people get before the goodbye.

“That’s forever from now,” Derek countered reaching over and gently massaging the back of Lily’s neck with his hand. “You might be tired of my ass by then anyhow.”

“Don’t push it,” she joked, but she reached behind her and grabbed his hand pulling it around to give it a quick kiss before letting it go. When she glanced at me she looked apologetic, but I smiled and finished off my beer, crunching it up and tossing it to the ground beside my feet.

“Looks like everyone is using the firewood for chairs,” Derek said, “Jackson, get off your ass and help me bring in another load.”

“Alright,” I said, punching him in the shoulder as I stood. Looking around the small groups of friends, closer than I was to them, had formed small circles. Couples were divided and lounging on one another ignoring everyone else around them. It was a cloudless night with a crescent moon just beginning to rise. Stars filled the sky and seemed closer than they really were in the vastness of the field. It really was a perfect night, one that people should want to remember. One that might even give me pause when I pack my bags to leave for college next fall.

As Derek led the way towards the forest, he kicked Toby’s foot and motioned for him to get off his own lazy ass and help us. Heather laughed as Toby readjusted himself as he stood to join us in the woods. It wasn’t much of a forest, just a small outcropping of trees that Toby’s father left as a sort of wind break in the winter.

After we stepped into the treeline I started looking around for sticks to burn. Toby and Derek were off to the side whispering to one another. Thinking that they were just pissing before starting their search for wood I kept walking until I found a fallen tree top from one of the trees. When I started breaking off small limbs I felt Derek and Toby grab me from behind.

“We need to talk before we lose our nerve, Jack,” Derek said and I glanced between him and Toby. They were both standing shoulder to shoulder, but it was just dark enough under the small canopy to conceal their expressions. Derek sounded serious though, his voice slightly shaken as he let his hand drop from my shoulder. “I think we have something figured out, but we don’t want to just drop it on you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, still holding a small bundle of sticks. “Is it about Ally or something?”

“No,” Toby answered, “It’s about you, something we’ve noticed.”

“I don’t want to say it,” Derek said as my heart started hammering in my chest. “Because if our asses are wrong, you’ll probably be pissed.”

“I might,” I answered, shrugging my shoulders. I wanted to know what they were thinking, with them anything could be going through their minds.

“Do you think we should just say fuck it and drop it?” Toby asked and I turned to see Derek shaking his head.

“No I don’t think we can now that we’ve said anything,” he answered, “it would just drive him crazy.”

“Alright then, draw straws, shortest gets to tell him?” Toby asked and I shook my head.

“Will one of you just fucking tell me already?” I asked letting the sticks I was holding fall from my arms.

“Lily put this in my head to begin with, but I see it,” Derek answered, grabbing my shoulder. “Now I don’t think any different, you’re still like a brother to me.”

“Me too,” Toby added and I felt a chill that wasn’t the breeze or the night time air wash over me. I tried to swallow and I wanted to shrug out of the weight of Derek’s hand on my shoulder.

“Are you gay?” Derek asked, his voice barely a whisper.

“No,” I answered, shaking my head as my heart still pounded in my chest. “I don’t think so.”

“What do you mean you don’t think so?” Toby asked and I wanted to punch him when I heard him trying not to snicker. Even if it did calm my nerves a bit to hear the lightness returning to his voice.

“I mean I don’t know,” I answered glancing between the two of them wishing I could see their faces in the dark. I was at least thankful that they dragged my ass out here to look for firewood before bringing it up though. Even if I already thought Lily, sitting next to me was her way of pushing the guys to confront me about this.

“Do you and Luke have something going?” Derek asked and I swallowed hard against the tightness in my throat.

“No,” I answered, my voice failing. “We don’t.”

“Then Lily is wrong,” Derek said letting his hand drop to his side. “Sorry Jackson, we didn’t mean to…”

“I want to,” I interrupted sighing. “I want to talk to you about it. I want to talk to him, I fucking hate keeping all this quiet, whatever it is. I saw something the other day, how easy it could be if I just started talking.”

“Dude,” Toby said and I felt a tear slide down my cheek as he wrapped me into a hug. I hadn’t felt myself losing control, but they had sensed it and when Toby squeezed me tighter as Derek patted me on the back I knew I really did have them in my corner. That I never should have doubted them, even if I didn’t know myself.

“Stay here,” Derek said as Toby broke the hug. They both quickly started grabbing whatever stick or broken limb they could find. Taking the small pile that I had dropped, until their hands looked full.

“Why?” I asked as I started picking up some of the small stuff they had missed. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“We’re not,” Derek answered and I heard Toby laugh.

“We kind of are,” Toby added, but when I went to follow them they both stopped walking. We were all close enough to the tree line that some of the light from the fire made its way through the foliage.

“Stay,” Derek ordered and I swallowed and nodded and they turned and stepped out of the tree line.

A few minutes later I could see Luke approaching with a lantern. Frowning I back peddled further into the small outcropping of trees. Seeing me he shook his head, not smiling, and I hated this Luke. I wanted him to ask me tons of questions. I wanted him to be the person that smirked whenever I said something that he thought was funny or inappropriate. I didn’t like thinking that I was so close to something, to just have everything change, and there was nothing I could do about it.

“Toby and Derek told me you needed help with your wood,” he said as he kept walking after I had stopped. Turning I followed him, noticing that he made no move to pick up any sticks.

“Assholes,” I muttered as I fell in step behind him. I let him lead us through briars and wild rose bushes, farther into the forest. It wasn’t a big enough area for us to totally get out of earshot of the noise back at the fire pit. They wouldn’t be able to hear us though, unless we yelled.

“So you told them,” he said, turning abruptly. He lifted the lantern between us so he could see my face. His eyes looked black in the low light, but the scowl on his face told me he was pissed.

“No,” I answered holding up my hand. “They ambushed me just a second ago, they figured it out, sorry.”

“This…” he started as he shook his head. “This is what I didn’t want to happen, I didn’t want anyone thinking or looking at us.”

“We’re nothing, right?” I asked glancing back towards the fire pit. None of the fire’s light reached us where we stood and only the loudest voices were easy to understand this far away.

“No,” he answered as I turned back towards him. I didn’t expect the answer. I expected him to tell me that we were nothing. “We’re something.”

“What are we doing then?” I asked, crossing my arms trying not to get angry. “I mean, you left me standing by my car and haven’t talked to me since.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” he hissed throwing his hands up. The lantern light danced wildly before he sat it down on the ground beside us. We were surrounded by wild rose bushes on all sides now, but being so late in the summer they had lost their blooms and their sweet floral smell. “When I talk to you, I feel like…”

“Like what?” I asked taking a small step towards him. He took a half-step back and paused looking over his shoulder. Grimacing at the wild rose bush he turned back to me holding up his hand.

“Nevermind,” he answered, reaching up to pull his shirt free from the thorns. “What about Ally, I see the way you look at her.”

“What about her?” I asked, my voice rising. “We’re over, I don't really like seeing her drowning Bailey Ashton’s ass with beer, but he’s a decent enough guy.”

“You miss her, it would be easy with her,” he whispered, waving his hand between the two of us. “We’re setting ourselves up, and for what?”

“To see what we have, Luke,” I answered. “I do miss Ally, but as a friend. I have missed you, too.”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Luke countered looking around on the forest floor. “I need to get some sticks and get back to the fire.”

“Stay,” I said, hating the weakness in my voice. Swallowing, I watched him half turn to leave, but stop, still fighting the rose bushes behind him. “Please.”

“I can’t be gay,” he said shaking his head. “I can’t be gay and have you figure out that you aren’t and leave me trying to fix all the crap we’d cause.”

“We don’t have to be anything!” I argued reaching out and grabbing his wrist. “I don’t have to figure anything out. I want you, I think about you all the fucking time.”

“It’s not easy growing up hating yourself,” he whispered, his voice quivering. “Hearing people say nasty things around you, not knowing that they’re talking about you. And you fucking smile and laugh to keep them in the dark. You know that I can’t be gay. Not because I don’t feel things for you, I can’t be gay because I have too much to lose.”

“No, you don’t,” I said, pulling him into my arms. “One of my teammates, Charlie, he kissed his boyfriend goodbye the first time we all had practice together. No one blinked an eye, they let him go. They had more problems with me taking a doper’s spot on the team than him being gay.”

“What does that have to do with me?” He asked leaning into my shoulder. I could smell the water on his shirt, it was still slightly damp from earlier and I could feel the goosebumps on his skin.

“I saw us,” I answered feeling my throat tighten. “I saw what we could be if we just went for it.”

“I can’t be gay,” he repeated leaning back to look at me.

“Just be Luke,” I said smiling. “And let me see you and talk to you and kiss you and…”

Then taking me by surprise he was kissing me. I had to take a step back to keep my balance before I recovered enough to move my lips to his. My arms went back around him, pulling him tighter and when he sighed against my mouth I felt a jolt run through me. I knew I wanted to kiss him, that I liked the feel of his lips earnestly searching out mine. That our kisses still weren’t perfect, that our noses bumped and our hands didn’t know how far to go before we chickened out and moved them back. Losing myself I was just about to pull his shirt up, when his hands found mine.

“We need to get back,” he said, smiling against my lips. “With some sticks.”

“Fine,” I said sighing as I reached down and picked up the lantern and held it out in front of us so we could find our way back to the fire and everyone else, picking up sticks along the way. When we got to the treeline he stopped and turned to me.

“I promise to be Luke,” he said, offering me a small smile. Not wanting to say anything I grinned and led him past the natural wall of trees and back out into the clearing where the fire was bright and warm and welcoming. Back to normal and familiar faces. Only three of them paid any attention to us. Shaking my head I dropped my bundle of sticks next to the fire and stepped to the side so Luke could do the same. Then I pulled his elbow when he noticed Connor and Olivia making out, having closed the gap Luke’s absence caused. Laughing I led the way back around to where I sat with Lily. She was now in Derek’s lap freeing up a seat for Luke and he sat down beside me.

It was somewhere around the middle of the night when the party wound down. Toby’s dad didn’t like blaring music after midnight. Even if Toby lived in the middle of nowhere in the outskirts of a nowhere town, he didn’t want to hear the music when he tried to sleep. Caring for a farm meant he still had to wake up early in the morning when most of us would still be hungover.

Luke never did drink a beer and we mostly sat in silence with our knees touching in the close proximity the log provided. Bailey Ashton and Ally, much like a lot of the other couples had paired off and moved on to the kissing or snuggling part of the evening. Glancing around, I couldn’t keep from thinking if anyone would mind if Luke and I were to be this comfortable. For the first time I felt oddly out of place amongst the people I knew since kindergarten or first grade. Part of me hated it, especially when Ally would giggle or I would catch Luke glancing around at the couples, only to turn towards me and raise an eyebrow. I had to keep my hands clasped together in my lap to keep myself from forgetting where I was and reach out for him. In the darkness next to the warm fire and surrounded by the sounds of relationships, I hated being in the silence the two of us created.

“Are you cold?” I asked when Luke rubbed his arms.

“Still a little damp,” he answered, shaking his head.

“I have a change of clothes in my tent,” I offered and I felt my face flush when his eyes widened and he glanced around. “I’ll stay here.”

“It looks like most people are winding down anyway,” he said pushing his knee against me. “I need someone to hold a flashlight for me anyway.”

“Alright,” I said and we both stood. When Derek and Lily stirred beside us, I wanted to break every bone in Derek’s hand when he wiggled his eyebrows and gave me a thumbs up. Thankfully Luke had gone ahead of me and didn’t see me kick Derek’s ankle as I passed by. Lily got the worst of it though, since Derek jumped to dodge my attack and unseated her from his lap. When she hit the ground she laughed and slapped him on the knee. He helped her back into his lap, dusting off her clothes until his hands got a little too grabby and she had to slap his hands away.

Catching up to Luke by the crowd of tents, I led him off to the side where I had set mine up and stashed my things. Bending to unzip the tent I let Luke slide inside. Then he handed me the flashlight and I zipped the entrance up, leaving a small enough hole for the head of the flashlight to slip through. Turning it on, I heard him unzip my backpack and shuffle through it. Then I heard him quickly kick off his shoes. My face got warmer when I heard him quickly unzip his shorts and kick them off. After he got an extra pair of underwear and a pair of my basketball shorts on he gave me the all clear and I opened the tent and climbed in beside him.

Luke hadn’t brought a sleeping bag, so I unrolled and unzipped it down the side so I could spread it out on the floor of the tent. He helped me spread out the corners then we both laid down on our sides facing one another. With the windows closed against the dew and the cool air, Luke tentatively reached for me in the darkness. When his finger tips ran along my arm, I shuddered, goosebumps running along my arm.

“Your skin is softer after shaving,” he whispered and I smiled when his fingers found my shoulder then ran down my chest, where some of the stubble from shaving was already combing back. Feeling it, he snickered and let his hand drop.

“I’m scared,” he said and I scooted closer.

“I’m excited,” I countered smiling and I saw him smile.

“Me too,” he whispered, yawning. “I’m sorry about the other day.”

“Don’t be,” I argued, wanting to kiss him, but didn’t want to push my luck. We were no longer in the woods, people could walk by and overhear us. The thin walls of the tent didn’t provide a lot of privacy for conversation.

“I hope Olivia doesn’t end up pregnant,” he joked, but his face fell after he realized what he said.

“Do you want me to scare the hell out of Connor?” I asked and he laughed, shaking his head.

“It might be a good idea,” he answered, then he settled down into the sleeping bag further closing his eyes. A few minutes later as I watched, his eyes started dancing under his eyelids and his breathing deepened. Yawning I closed my eyes and fell asleep not long after.