The Hidden Ones: The Spotlight - 38. Trust Issues

---Teddy---

With every day that passes Ryder finds newer and better ways to make me proud, but I swear to god it’s going to take something monumental to exceed tonight. Sitting next to Mrs. Sullivan, seeing the emotion and connection they shared, it blew me away. If he loves his grandma that much, if she means that much to him, well I can’t wait to see him adopt kids. I can’t wait to start a family with him. He’s going to be an amazing father. I just know it.

The rest of the concert was amazing, but that moment with his grandma stuck with me the whole time. When it ended and we headed back stage they all rushed up to him, eager to show their love for him, but I hung back and watched him from a distance. I just had to reflect on it, think about the man he’s slowly growing into.

“He’s pretty special, huh?” Brandon asked, noticing me standing off by myself. I nodded my head but stayed quiet as Blake and my dad both rambled at him. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, finally speaking. “I’m just thinking is all.”

“Well don’t spend too much time thinking, this is a pretty great moment to be alive.” Brandon advised, giving me a pat on the back.

“I’m sorry I gave you a hard time.” I let out as he began to walk away. “I was a dick to you because I wanted Ryder to myself. I didn’t like that you two were getting close, and I let jealousy get the better of me.”

He tried to hide the surprise in his eyes as he walked back over to me. “It’s cool.” He shook his head. “I was a dick to you. I, you reminded me of the kids I went to school with, and I tried to take all that anger I have left for them out on you. But you’re not like them at all.” I gave him a curious look as he swayed from one foot to another. “You mean what you say. If more people were like you, well the world wouldn’t be so fucked up.”

A smile crossed my face and I couldn’t help but bring him in for a hug. “You watch over my boyfriend for me while he’s on the road. You got that?”

He nodded his head and laughed. “You watch over my singer when he’s home, you got that?” He teased as we shook hands on the fake deal.

“What was all that about?” Ryder asked, as Brandon began to walk away.

“Nothing.” I shook my head, trying my hardest to hide my smile. “Just teasing one another is all.”

He went to say something but before he could more friends and family poured over to talk to him. It took some convincing but by time we were all ready to go my parents finally agreed to let me spend the night at Ryder’s.

The next morning’s goodbye was by far the hardest. Something about it just felt off, like there was something changing about it all. I could see in Ryder’s eyes as he boarded the bus that he was bracing for something, and that maybe I should be too.

It didn’t take long for that something to become evident, and just a few days later Ryder’s name was right back in the news for his next big controversy. This time for something that slightly broke my heart, and took an even bigger toll on our trust.

“More fallout today from Ryder Sullivan’s stunt during his concert in Indiana last night,” The reporter continued as pictures and videos of Ryder kissing Brandon up on stage flashed on screen. “The singer reportedly shouted fuck the vice president before kissing his bandmate Brandon Seward, while this may,”

My heart dropped in my chest as a small pain began to radiate throughout it. My dad went to say something to me but before he could I rushed upstairs and to my room. I must’ve called Ryder five times in a row before he finally picked up. “What’s up?” he groggily let out, trying his hardest to wake up. “Is everything okay?”

“Don’t what’s up me!” I angrily yelled, as my heart raced in my chest. “What the fuck were you thinking last night? What, How,”

“Teddy calm down.” Ryder sighed. “I was trying to make a point, you know how anti-LGBT the vice president is, and we were in his home sta-“

“I don’t care where you were! Hell I don’t care if he was in the god damn crowd Ryder!” I yelped, interrupting him. “How could you kiss someone else? How could you do that up on stage in front of thousands of people?”

“It was just a stunt. Rock bands used to do it all the time. Marilyn Manson and his bassist,”

“You’re not Marilyn Manson!” I interrupted once more causing him to let out a long groan. “Don’t groan at me!”

“Why not? Its not like you’re letting me talk!” He bit back, taking a jab. I grew quiet and nervously began to bite on my lip as I heard his words. A minute of silence passed before I heard him exhale another breath. “Stop biting on your lip.” He sighed, knowing exactly what I was doing without seeing me. “You’ll give yourself a black and blue, and it’ll swell and be all annoying.”

“Stop flirting with me.” I shook my head. “It’s only making this hurt more.”

“Hurt?” Ryder repeated in a shocked voice. “What do you mean hurt?”

“Don’t try and act surprised.” I groaned. “Like you didn’t know how much this would suck for me. I, the only way this distance has been working is because of how much I trust you, but now, now I’m not,”

“Stop.” Ryder let out in pain. “I’m not acting surprised, I am surprised!” He insisted. “I thought you’d be proud. I thought you’d see I was trying to take a stand for something!”

“Well you took it too far.” I moaned, realizing how ignorant he was to it. “You know how much shit I’m going to get for this? If it’s not the thousands of people online who are going to start spamming my Instagram, it’ll be all the kids at school. And on top of all that, you made our relationship look like an absolute joke!” I began to lecture once more. “One night you’re up on stage talking about how important I am to you, another you’re kissing Brandon!” I felt anger begin to pulse through me as I thought it all over. “You want to shock people? Fine. But don’t hurt our relationship for it! Don’t hurt me for it!”

We both grew quiet again as I heard a sniffle or two from his end. “You’re not going to believe me, but I’m so so so so sorry.” He let out, trying his hardest to emphasize every word. “I really didn’t know you’d take it like this. I thought I was being clever. I, you have to trust me when I say that.”

“I’m trying to.” I shook my head, feeling tears begin in my own eyes. “I really am.”

“It was just a kiss, I swear to god it was, and it meant and felt like nothing.” Ryder insisted, beginning to ramble through cries. “There’s nothing more to read into, just a stupid moment up on stage. It was basically kissing a grandma. I swear it was!”

I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at his analogy. “Alright, stop swearing,” I let out as the tears in my eyes began to fade.

“But you have to believe me.” He continued, unable to let it go. “I would never want to hurt you or our relationship. I, I don’t want this to be the end. I don’t want to start losing your trust. I,”

“I believe you.” I nodded, unsure if I truly did or didn’t. “And I-it won’t be the end. We, I love you way too much for something this small to end us, but I, it’s going to take some time before I can fully trust you again.” I heard him exhale another sigh as he heard my words. “I just can’t let myself get cheated on again.”

“I won’t, I swear on my life I won’t.” He insisted, and I slowly began to realize I was talking to his anxious side instead of his rational one.

“I know, but you have to give me time.” I whimpered, hating the road we had started falling down. “And don’t try some big surprise that you think will fix it all in one day.” I explained trying my hardest to remind myself how sweet he is. “This, it’s going to take some time, but we’ll be okay.”

“Promise?” He let out, desperate for any type of relief.

“Promise.” I repeated, knowing our love was too strong to break.

“It won’t even help if you talk to Brandon, and he tells you that,”

“Ry.” I interrupted, as his anxiety began to take a toll on me. “I get that you’re upset, but you please, just, stop trying to fix things right now.”

“Okay,” He forced out, biting back words. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I nodded. We stayed on the line for a few minutes longer as neither of us wanted to hang up, but the second he clicked off I felt tears begin to pour from my eyes. I quickly picked up my phone once more and began to dial another number. “Liz.” I let out as the other end picked up. “I need you.”

“Is this about the kiss?” She sighed, hearing the pain in my voice.

“Yeah.” I whimpered, as waves of sadness begin to overtake my head. “I just, I need you.”

“Say no more.” She comforted, hanging up the phone. Throughout my life whenever I had to deal with heartbreak or pain, well she was my go to. She’s been my shoulder to cry on for years, and no matter what it was, she always found the words to say to put me back together.

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I quickly tried to pull myself together as I heard footsteps closing in on my door. I don’t want them to see me this upset, this broken.

“Hey.” Liz let out as she slowly opened my door and both her and my mom stepped in. All I could do was shake my head as our eyes connected. “I know.” She exhaled, rushing over and grabbing onto me. “I know it sucks. Have you talked to him yet?”

“Can you give us space?” I asked, looking over at my mom before I could really get into it.

“Do I have to?” She asked back, hovering near the door. “I want to be here for you. I promise I won’t preach.”

“Okay,” I nodded, not wanting to put up the fight. “I called him before I called you.”

“And?” Liz lead, holding me tightly.

“He said it was just a stunt to make a point.” I shook my head. “He couldn’t believe how hurt I was, and he, I know he didn’t mean to hurt me. He had no idea how badly I would take it. He apologized a million times.” I explained through tears. “But then why does this suck so much?”

“Because you’re scared,” She tried to comfort, rubbing my back. “and this, this was just the tipping point. I-I don’t know how to word it.” She confessed, looking up at my mom.

“I get it.” My mom nodded, crouching down in front of me, and lightly holding my face. “You were trying to be typical Teddy Haner. You were trying to shoulder all your burdens and to not to be a problem. You were trying to seem perfect, but that-that’s not how a relationship can work. You can’t just expect him to understand everything. You kept telling him how proud you were he was standing up for LGBT rights, and so he thought this was a good thing.” She exhaled. “And I’m not saying this is your fault at all. This, it was a very stupid thing for him to do, and now you both have to deal with it. But the aftermath isn’t just this. It’s, it’s everything the two of you have been holding from each other.” She stood up and forced me up with her as determination filled her eyes.

“Theodore.” She began once more. “Do you want us to feel bad for you?”

“No.” I shook my head, but tears stayed in my eyes.

“Do you want us to pity you?”

“No.” I repeated.

“Do you want to break up with Ryder?”

“No.”

“Then this is your chance,” She rallied, grabbing onto my shoulders. “If you really love him, you’ll double down on him now, while you’re both at your weakest. Show him all your cards, everything. Open up fully and if you’re not okay with it now,” She sighed shaking her head and looking to Liz.

“Then you’ll never be.” Liz finished for her in a gulp.

I nodded as a few more tears fell from my eyes. I spent the next few minutes in silence as Liz grabbed back onto me. “Alright.” I exhaled with a nod. “I, I need some time alone to talk to him.”

They both nodded and gave me hugs before leaving the room and giving me the space I needed. This time when I rang Ryder picked up the first time. “How are you?” He let out, scared what I’d call to say.

“I-Ryder,” I let out as tears begin to fill me once more. “I’m not okay.” I shook my head. “I hate that this happened. I hate that you did this. But I hate that I’ve never really let you see me for me.”

“What?” Ryder exhaled, through a worried breath.

“I-I’m so scared about everything.” I confessed, finally starting to let him in fully. “About you, about Blake and Liz, about school, about applying to college, about my parents next kid, just, everything.”

I could hear him trying to form words as he tried to figure out what to say. “I, why didn’t you say something before?”

“Because,” I began once more in tears and broken breathing. “Because you have enough heavy shit to deal with, I didn’t want to weigh you down with mine, but now, now if we’re going to make it we have to know each other completely.”

“I’m in.” he let out without hesitation. “You start.”

“I’m scared I’m not good enough to ever be a surgeon. I’m scared I’ll crack under the pressure and fall apart. I’m scared I’ll let someone die when someone better than me could’ve saved them.” I confessed, as my mind began to race.

“Teddy, you’re only seventeen,” Ryder began to comfort. “You have so much school before you have to worry about any of that. You have a 4.0 in High School! You’re practically a genius! By time you go through college then medical school, you’ll know so much, you’ll have so much experience that surgery, it’ll be second nature to you.” I felt my tears began to slow as his words poured out. “I’m scared about this tour.” He confessed, taking his turn. “I know I’m almost halfway through it, but one slip up, one thing gone wrong and that’s it for me. And I-I love this life so fucking much. Singing to people, seeing the crowds, it’s such a dream come true, but I’ve fucked up every great thing in my life, I mean look at us,”

“You didn’t fuck us up.” I quickly interrupted before he could overthink. “This, this was going to happen no matter what. The only thing we can do is learn from it.” I shook my head. “And you’re tour, there’s no chance you fuck it up. Look at you. People idolize you. You’re so much bigger than just another singer. If something does happen, well, there will be a million other labels out there trying to sign you.”

“I love you.” He let out unsure what else to say.

“I love you too.” I nodded, wishing he could be here to hold me. “What if my parents start paying more attention to their new kid instead of me?” I couldn’t help but ask. “I know that sounds so stupid because of how old we are, but what if it happens?”

“It won’t.” Ryder confidently advised. “Your parents, they’re so fucking perfect. They made room for me like it was nothing. They just instantly started treating me like I’m one of you guys. They started making extra food when I came over, or gave us space when we need it.” He exhaled and I could tell a smile had begun on his face. “They’re easily going to be able to make space for one more while still giving you everything you need. It might be hard at first, but they’ll love you just as much as ever, maybe even more. This, you’re going to be an amazing big brother.” He supported. “And when it’s all said and done it’ll be another family member for you to love.”

“You’re going to be a great big brother too.” I let out, reminding him that he’s still a part of this family.

“I’m scared about us.” He confessed in a powerful breath. “I’m scared I’m fucking it up. I’m scared I’m letting you down. I’m scared I’m losing you. It doesn’t even have to do with last night, there are nights where I’m lying holding you while you sleep, and I-I can’t stop thinking about what would happen if I lost you.”

“I-I do the same thing.” I shook my head in disbelief. “I’m so scared you’re going to find someone better. You-you’re perfect in every way. You’re so incredibly sweet, and thoughtful.”

“Me? perfect?” He asked in shock. “You’re the perfect one. You’re smart, and cute, and you always know what to say to people to make them feel loved. You, you just know how to make people better.”

“We’re so stupid.” I shook my head, noticing the tears were finally gone. “Why don’t we just talk about it more?”

“I didn’t want to be needy.” He admitted in a nervous breath.

“Me neither.” I shook my head. “But from now on it’s no longer needy.”

“No, it’s us, and I wouldn’t change a thing.” He reassured in confidence.

We spent the next hour talking about everything in our lives. From the smallest and silliest insecurity, to even the biggest issues. We know each other so well, and yet we’ve still held back so much. But not anymore, now we’re open with one another. Everything is out there for the other to see, and for the first time in my life, I’m okay with someone being able to predict me.

“I-I,” Ryder let out as he grew nervous once more. “I’m scared about my grandma,” He began, but before he could even let the thought out I heard some rumbling in the background.

“Yo! Let’s go!” I heard Brandon yell in the background. “We gotta get to the venue loverboy! And don’t even think about kissing me tonight! You kiss Zach or some shit, I’m pretty sure he likes it anyway!”

“Just one second!” Ryder pleaded, to the voice.

“Dude, we really don’t have a second!” Brandon lectured in a strict voice. “I gave you as much time as I could. We’ve gotta go!”

“Go ahead.” I nodded as Ryder let out a long groan. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“You heard all that?” he gulped, causing me to laugh.

“Yup.” I nodded as he let out a sigh.

“At least now you know he didn’t want to be kissed!” Ryder teased, slightly relieved that I could hear the refusal from Brandon.

“Yeah, yeah,” I waved off. “But I swear to God Ryder, you do that again, and I, I’ll never talk to you again.”

“Not even to warn me about rabid dogs?” He tried to joke, remembering the first ever conversation we had.

“No.” I reinforced, showing I wasn’t kidding around.

“I love you.” He nodded in confidence.

“I love you too.” I reassured as I hung up before he could find another excuse to stay on.

It came at a high price but everything is finally out there. I’ve put my heart in his hands, and now, now it’s up to him. Please don’t hurt me Ryder. Please.

*************************************************************************************

I wish I could say things got easier. I wish I could say that life got better, but just like Ryder always says, his life finds a way to fall apart at the seams. Nothing reminded me more of that than tonight, than the visit that sent my world crashing down.

Harsh loud banging sounded out from the front door causing me and my dad to jump from our seats. “I got it.” I exhaled slowly making my way to the door and pulling it open. “Can I help you?” I gulped, seeing a big muscly outline in the doorway.

“I’m looking for Theodore Haner.” The man announced, and as he stepped forward into the porch light I noticed the badge and uniform he had on.

“That’s me.” I nervously nodded, desperately trying to figure out why he could be here. “Uh. Teddy.” I let out, finally extending my hand.

“Officer Bentley.” The man shook as the grim look only grew stronger. “Do you have a private place we can talk?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I quickly nodded, leading him into the living room. “This is my Dad Harry.”

My dad shot me a cautious look as the two introduced themselves. I could tell he was worried I had done something stupid. Ever since I got an in school suspension for homecoming he’s been watching me like a hawk. Sure, they were proud of me, but that doesn’t mean they thought it was smart!

“Teddy,” The officer exhaled, taking a seat across from me. “Are you aware you’re Florence Sullivan’s emergency contact?”

“Yeah, she’s my boyfriend’s grandma.” I hurriedly nodded as anxiety pumped through my heart. “I-is she okay?”

“I’m afraid she’s not.” He forced out, beginning to lightly tap his foot. “We found her on Skyline drive this morning.” I felt my dad reach over and grab onto me as he braced me for what was coming next. “She was struck by a car, and passed away shortly after. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

I could feel the tears instantly begin to fall from my eyes as my dad pulled me in close. “Wh-why was she out there?”

“We’re not sure yet.” The officer exhaled thinking it all over. “But we see this sometimes in the elderly. Do you know if she showed any signs of dementia or Alzheimer’s?”

“No.” I shook my head, still trying to fight through the shock and pain of the moment. “I-I have to ask Ryder, but I don’t think so.”

“And Ryder is her grandson?” He asked, but I watched as he connected the dots in his head. “Ryder Sullivan?”

“Yes.” My dad answered, taking over the conversation for me. “The musician, so if you guys can keep an airtight seal over all of this, it would be extremely appreciated.”

“We will.” The officer confirmed. “The autopsy will be performed tomorrow, and you or his family can pick up her body later in the day.”

The words turned to white noise in my ear as the pain of the moment finally collapsed onto me. I don’t even remember shaking the officer’s hand when he left. Everything just felt, felt, dark. I’ve never had to deal with a loss before; I’ve never felt this amount of pain. This isn’t how it was supposed to go! She was supposed to be at our wedding! She was supposed to be there with us through it all! I, I wanted our kids to meet her. I wanted her to see us grow. I wanted to learn everything she knew.

I sat there crying my eyes out as it all swirled around in my head until finally I realized how hard this would be for Ryder. How broken he’ll be when he hears. He already thinks he’s a curse, and this-this will only confirm his fears.

As my mom got home and heard the news I only felt more hugs and cries. We only knew her for a summer, and yet this is the most soul crushing thing we’ve been through in years. “You have to tell him.” My mom finally forced out as we all sat on the couch. “It has to come from you.”

“I know.” I managed. “But not like this, not over the phone.” They both nodded as I nervously called Ryder, eager to just get it all over with.

“Hey.” He let out in an energetic voice. “Ready for more confessions?” He giggled, as guilt poured into my heart. I’m going to crush him. I-this, it’ll destroy him.

“No.” I shook my head, trying my hardest to hide the pain in my voice. “Yo-you need to come home, like, right now.”

“What?” He asked, as panic began to sound in his voice. “What’s wrong? Is this still about the,”

“No.” I interrupted as tears began to flow. “I-it’s about your grandma. She-she’s in the hospital. You just have to get here, come to my house the second after your plane lands, just, get here!”

The other end clicked off before I could say anything, and without him saying anything, well I knew he was on his way. It was as though he knew this call was coming, like he had braced for it. I just, I hope this doesn’t tear us down with it.