Be Rad - 40. Chapter 40

June 5, 1981

We sat there, watching television, in absolute horror. The Centers for Disease Control had announced that there were five homosexual men in Los Angeles that had a rare form of pneumonia. It was a kind of pneumonia seen only in people with weakened immune systems. The gay plague. And Armand had it; he was one of the five.

“Armand told me about this when I saw him,” I said. He was still in the hospital, miraculously still alive. “He said there were rumors about this, about a gay plague.”

“Did he say how many men he knew that had this?” JP asked.

“He didn't. But here they're saying five.” I stared at the television, wanting more information beyond the news quip, but not getting it.

“Do they know how they got it?” Stef asked. He'd been living with Armand's eroding physical condition, devoting himself to making him comfortable.

“No one seems to even know what it is,” JP answered. “All we have is this report that there is a disease.”

We put it out of our minds. It could just be an aberration. Maybe they were doing something really kinky and got an infection that way. I knew there were guys into some pretty radical shit. But if Armand had it, and I had sex with him, could I have it? I forced down the fears that threatened to engulf me.

“Let us think about positive things,” Stef said. “Tomorrow is graduation; you three have finally done it.” He beamed at us. “I am proud of you.”

“Thanks Stef,” I said. Robbie and Ace echoed me. He had tried to change the subject, but I couldn't do it. At least not internally. Stef said that Armand was in extremis. He had had to make a pretty tough decision to leave his side and come up here for graduation. Still, I put on my happy façade and tried to enjoy the festivities. We were having dinner here at home, and enjoying a family night.

June 6, 1981

Graduation Day. I had worked so hard for this, and looked forward to it for so long. My grades had won me one of the “Salutatorian” slots, so I got to wear a special sash and hang out in front with the faculty members. If I would have had more extracurricular activities, I might have made Valedictorian, but I decided that this was better anyway. I didn't need all the attention. Besides, the administration would have squelched that for sure. As it was, I think they only let me have salutatorian because if they didn't, my father would have gone nuts.

Andrea Kramer ended up as valedictorian. She was a frumpy, bitchy thing, and she certainly didn't run in my crowd. Her speech was dry and dull, but mercifully short. Then there were the endless strains of “Pomp and Circumstance” as we all filed by and got our diplomas. I was on the stage so I got to watch them all go by: Ace, looking proud and handsome, until he gave me an idiotic grin. Dan, glaring at me, trying to make me understand how badly I'd hurt him. As if I hadn't figured that out and felt shitty enough about it already. Then Lark, trying to be cool, and Doug, trying to be cool and actually succeeding. And then there was Robbie. He smiled at me and winked, and I thought I felt my heart flutter.

It was like a big fog. The superintendent presented us as a class, and Selvidge announced that we'd graduated. We all threw our caps into the air, and I hugged everyone around me. Ace and Lark, all of my friends, and then I found myself face to face with Robbie. I gave him a big hug, then pulled back and looked him in the eyes, his beautiful lavender eyes.

“Feel like going swimming?” I asked. He gave me an idiotic grin and I grabbed his tie, pulled him to me, and gave him a deep, meaningful kiss. Most of the people around us stopped, gaped, and stared, but I was done here, and I didn't care. He grinned at me like an idiot. I heard a few people mumble “gross” under their breath. Fuck them.

I noticed some glares from parents, but the students were too involved in their own deal to give a shit. Ace grinned and Lark just shook his head, smiling gently. I saw Dan out of the corner of my eye, glaring at me, but not out of disgust, out of jealousy. That made me sad, just as his looks always did. I hadn't been able to mend the fence with him. I guess I'd hurt him too bad. Yet another thing to feel guilty about.

Everyone was here: Stef and Greg, Mom, Dad and Roger, Claire, Grand and Grandmaman, Frank and Brenda, Tonto, Mouse, as well as Rafael and Anna. Rafael and Anna had been uncomfortable, insisting that they didn't need to go, but Ace and I insisted.

“Was that really necessary?” Brenda Hayes snipped as soon as we made it to them. She hadn't changed a bit. Robbie looked at her and grabbed me and kissed me again. She just exhaled loudly, turned and walked away. No one cared. We headed back to Escorial for a huge catered dinner and to get ready for our big party.

My mother had gotten involved in a group called “Mothers Against Drunk Driving”, or MADD. I think it was part of her grieving process over Billy. But they'd just formed, and were dedicated to preventing drunk driving accidents. She had made that her primary charity, and worked hard to help them raise money. So anyone coming to our party was going to surrender their keys as usual, but there was an entirely new emphasis on it.

Brenda seemed really uncomfortable at Escorial, probably because everyone avoided her, including us. She just looked at us disapprovingly, sometimes glaring, sometimes shaking her head. Robbie retaliated with massive displays of affection. He was 18 now, and there was nothing she could do to him. He seemed perfectly happy having a good relationship with his father and no relationship with his mother.

We'd expected pretty much the whole student body to show up, but ended up with only half. Apparently our kiss had driven the rest away. But it didn't matter to me at all. I'd gone through the crucible, I'd endured the looks and stares, and now I was done. Graduated. And these people were out of my life. I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I mingled with people, having a blast and drinking like a fish, until I saw Robbie cornered by his mother in one of the alcoves by JP's study.

“I don't want you to burn in eternal hell,” she pleaded with him. I stopped outside the alcove to eavesdrop. “I know you can be saved. I know that if you would just give him a chance, Jesus would show you the way to salvation and happiness.”

“I'm happy now,” he said. “I did well at school. I got into Princeton. I have a boyfriend that I love, and who loves me.” Aww.

“You aren't supposed to have a boyfriend.” She was truly beside herself. “It's sinful. Plus what about this new disease? This disease God sent to punish homosexuals. What if you get it?”

“You know Mom, the only time I'm not happy is when you're around,” he said, and pushed away from her and flew out of the alcove, bumping right into me. “Looking for me?” he asked, having busted me listening in.

“Yep. Got a minute?” He grinned at me as we snuck back to our room. I heard the door click behind us as he locked it and moved up to me. I felt his arms wrap around me, and felt his mouth on my neck, nuzzling below my ear. “Mmmm,” I hummed. I sank into him, surrendering to him as he unbuttoned my pants and let them fall to the floor, as his fingers probed me, and then completely and unconditionally as I felt his dick penetrate me.

“I almost wish I could do this in front of my mother,” he said after we'd recovered from an amazing orgasm.

“Well, kissing in front of her freaked her out pretty bad as it is, don't you think?” I saw his mind processing that. “Didn't you see the look on her face? I did. If looks could kill.” He chuckled and we headed back to the party, newly refreshed. Brenda Hayes had already left.

I had a blast and got really really drunk. But I'm a fun drunk, and I had a great time just hanging out with everyone. “I need to talk to you,” I heard as someone grabbed my arm. It was Scott Seaton. He led me down the hall to my room.

“What about?” I asked. We hadn't done anything since Robbie and I had recommitted to each other.

He paused in front of my door. “I want you to take care of me. You're so good, and I'm so horny.” He was pleading with me, flashing his puppy dog eyes at me. I was drunk, and he was irresistible. Almost.

“I can't man. I loved it too. You are so fine. But I can't.” He grinned at me and slapped my shoulder playfully.

“It's cool. I understand.” And then he walked away, letting me watch his cute little ass and wondering what the fuck I was thinking.

“That was some amazing willpower,” I heard from behind me. Robbie. “I'm not sure I could have said no.”

I smiled at him. “You would have.” I moved to him and kissed him. He pulled me into his room and in no time at all it was me inside him, and it was wonderful. God, I loved him.

June 7, 1981

Stef was a mess, an absolute sobbing mess. I almost thought that he was too distraught to fly, but there was no stopping him. Armand had died last night. Stef found out this morning and rounded us all up to get to LA. Greg and JP were comforting him, which thankfully gave me the freedom to collapse into my seat and focus on not throwing up. It didn't work. I got up and charged to the bathroom and puked out my guts. I rinsed out my mouth with mouthwash and headed back to my seat, hoping I'd make it without losing it again before the flight landed.

Ace bumped into me as he rushed past me. I guess I'd started something. Robbie ended up behind him.

“Is relay vomiting a new Olympic event?” Claire teased. She'd been in complete control last night. Jack hadn't been. He'd gotten really drunk, and then passed out on one of the couches in the Great Hall. Robbie, Ace, and I had stripped him bare and left him there. It was funny as hell, especially when Claire finally found him and got all pissed off at him. He was the cutest guy on the planet. Seeing him naked just confirmed it.

“Ha ha ha,” I said to her. “You get Jack dressed before you left?”

“That wasn't very nice Brad.” Ace snickered and I laughed. “Leaving him stark naked in the middle of the house.” Then we both started roaring, remembering Jack’s expression of amazement when she'd finally gotten him awake and he realized that he was surrounded by people and stark naked.

“And what is so funny?” I heard Stef's voice piercing through the plane.

Shit. “I'm really sorry Stef.” I tried to gauge his mood. It was a risk. Either I'd break his mood, or he'd really get upset. I decided to go for it. “Last night Jack passed out and Ace, Robbie, and I decided that he'd look better without his clothes on.” There was a spark in his eyes.

“Completely naked?” asked JP, pissed off.

“Yes,” said Claire, irritated. I locked my eyes on Stefan. I saw him pull himself out of his doldrums.

“You are just mad that you were not there to see it,” he said to JP. Turning to me he continued, “And I am mad that you did not come get me.” JP just gave him a dirty look, while Greg gave me an appreciative one. We landed in slightly better moods.

It was a miserable day. I started to feel better physically, but that void was filled by emotional misery, sadness over losing Armand. I think that after Stef and Greg, I felt his loss the hardest. It wasn't just that we'd been so intimate. Remembering the time I spent with him made me smile, but it was a fleeting smile. It was the memory of what a beautiful, thriving young man he'd been, and then seeing what a physical wreck he'd become because of that disease. The gay plague. What if I had it too? Would I give it to someone else? Would I give it to Robbie? I felt myself starting to fall apart. I just couldn't handle the thought of hurting him. What if I did?

“Are you ready Brad?” Stef asked gently. I nodded and followed him into his study where Armand's lawyer was waiting. Armand had built up some serious money while he was working, and Stef had made him more by investing it.

The lawyer had a nasal voice that droned as he read Armand's will. He had appointed Stefan as his executor, and asked to be cremated, with his ashes scattered over the Pacific. He left all of his personal effects and furnishings to Stefan, and then instructed that once his house was sold, his estate be distributed to his mother, his brother, and his sister. I was wondering why I was even there. I didn't want any of Armand's stuff or money. And then the lawyer handed me a letter, a letter Armand had written to me before he died.

Brad,

I'm not strong enough to write a long letter. Must be short. Be happy. Be confident. Be forgiving. Always love.

There was a break in the writing, and a different color pen now. He must have been so weak he'd written it in stages.

Teaching you the art of making love was one of coolest things I ever got to do.

Another gap. Another pen.

I'm being buried in the sea. Think of me when you surf.

Love,

Armand

I felt tears flow down my face. I handed the letter to Stefan, and left the room. Robbie was waiting for me. “Always love.” With him, that was so easy.

June 10, 1981

The Tonto cruised out of Marina del Rey on a short voyage today. There was a large group on board, those who loved Armand, as we sailed out to scatter his ashes in the waves.

His brother, Bertrand, was a really nice guy. It was fun to get to know him, despite being as sad as we were, but I'd bonded with him pretty quickly. He was going to school in Paris, studying to be doctor. Maybe he could find a cure for this horrible disease that had taken Armand's life. Maybe he could find out what the disease was. He showed me a picture of his girlfriend, who looked really cute. She'd need to be to land a hunk like him. He was a lot like his brother.

Armand’s sister clung to Claire like a lost puppy, but Claire seemed to like her, so it was alright. It was his mother that was the hardest to deal with. Her grief led to constant hysterics. She'd separated from her husband, so there was no one there to comfort her. Or beat the shit out of her either, I thought ruefully.

When we were off the shores of Malibu, Stef's house clearly visible in the distance, Stef pulled out the urn that contained Armand's ashes and he and Armand's mother gently scattered them in the waves. We stared silently as the Tonto turned and headed back to port.

“Are you OK?” Robbie asked.

“I'm really nervous,” I told him.

“What about?” He punctuated that question by moving closer to me and putting his arm around me. We stood there together, gazing toward the shore, enjoying the sunny day as much as we could.

“What if I have this disease? What if I don't even know it? And what if I give it to you?”

“Don't be ridiculous babe. You're healthy as a horse. And hung like one too.” He made me smile. “We'll be fine.”

“You're going to Princeton this fall,” I said, dropping the other shoe. “I'm not.”

“It's a great opportunity. I'll get to play on the team. And you'll be close. Connecticut isn't far from New Jersey.” He didn't get into Yale, but I did.

“What if you meet someone else?” That sounded pathetic. I knew it. But I was raw, raw from Armand's death, and raw over our decision to go to different colleges.

“You saying you don't trust me?” he asked, offended.

“I'm sorry. Of course I do. But we'll be so far apart, for four years. It scares me, that's all.” I leaned over and kissed him lovingly. His breath, his taste, breathed happiness into me. “You're my world.”

“I love you too,” he said sincerely. “If I could marry you right now, I would. You are the one for me, the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.” He made me face him. “We are meant to be together. A couple of hundred miles isn't going to change that.”

“I guess you're right,” I said. He pulled me to him, wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me into his body, both physically and spiritually. I was convinced.