Catering With Benefits (3) - An Appetite for More - 45. Road Trip

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Edward thought it might be a good idea to take a few days off so he and Romel could have a short holiday before Romel headed to Manila for Christmas. They decided to head west on a road trip to wherever the road took them.

They packed the car the night before, so they could make a quick getaway in the morning and avoid the worst of the peak hour traffic.

When they were getting into bed, Romel said “I’m so excited about this. It will be our first long trip in my car.”

“That’s right, so you can do most of the driving and I’ll sit back, relax and enjoy the scenery as it passes by.”

“But you pass by the scenery, not the other way around.”

“Not from my perspective when I’m sitting in the car. You take note tomorrow.”

“Mmm.”

“Now off to sleep, we’ve got an early start. Good night my love.” said Edward.

“And you have sweet dreams my love.”

***

When they got out of suburban traffic, the road ahead looked clear and they were beetling along at a cracking pace until they saw a roadwork ahead sign and then a flagman brandishing a STOP sign. Romel stopped as indicated and they waited patiently, although they could not see any construction team down the road. After five minutes waiting and no acknowledgement from the flagman, Edward decided to go and ask what was causing the delay.

“Good morning young man, what’s causing the delay?”

“Road works Sir. Didn’t you see the sign?”

“Well of course I saw it, what I really meant I suppose, is when will we be able to proceed. I can’t see anybody working ahead. The road seems perfectly clear, in fact it looks like a new freeway.”

“Impressive isn’t it.”

“Yes, but I might be even more impressed if I could drive on it.”

“Oh that won’t be possible today Sir.”

“Why not?”

“I’ll show you, just wait there.” Edward did as asked, as the young man walked briskly ahead for about ten metres and then suddenly stopped as if he hit an invisible barrier. As he walked back to Edward holding a bloody nose, he said “Fuck, I did it again. It’s so realistic isn’t it?”

“What do you mean/” asked Edward.

“That’s not a real freeway, it’s only painted on a temporary wall.”

“I don’t wish to seem stupid and my question might seem a bit obvious, but why is the road blocked by a painting of a freeway?”

“To give you a preview of the future.”

“So how far ahead is the future?”

“Oh, I get it, that’s a trick question isn’t it?”

“I didn’t mean it to be.”

“Yes you did, your kind do that, like when you say, how long is a piece of string.”

“What kind do you mean.”

“Baby boomers, you old people.”

“I don’t like your tone young man. What’s your name?”

“Mill.”

“That’s sounds like a girl’s name.”

“Oh you lot are so binary, why does everything have to one or the other with you?”

“I’ll overlook that statement, but what is Mill short for? I can only think of Millicent.”

“It’s short for Millennial. I was one of the first born in the new millennium.”
“Very smart people your parents.”

“Why do you say that?”

“It sounds like they knew you were going to be a pain in the arse and named you accordingly.”

“I don’t understand Sir.”

“It doesn’t matter. Anyway that’s enough talk about you.”

“I like talking about me.”

“Of course you do, you’re a millennial.”

Mill looked puzzled, but Edward ignored that and said “Now back to the road. How long before the freeway is finished?”

“Well that depends.”

“On what, a piece of string?”

“Ah there you go again, but I’m onto you this time.”

“Good, now tell me what’s delaying the building of this freeway.”

“Well, it was close to completion when they discovered it had run over budget. They had a budget meeting with all the stakeholders and after a three day conference they issued a report on their internal investigations into the lack of working capital.”

“And what did this report conclude?”

“They needed to apply for more finance.”

“Very astute of them.”

“I thought so, anyway the report was submitted to the state parliamentary budget committee, who agreed with the report’s recommendations and forwarded it to state treasury. But the treasury was unable to authorise an increase to the budget without parliament’s approval. So then Treasury’s report went down to the budget committee with recommendations to request an emergency parliamentary approval of a supplementary budget.”

“Very illuminating, so did the NSW state parliament approve this extra budget?”

“Unfortunately no. They required more information about the extra costs and wanted to know who was responsible for the under budgeting at the inception of the project. Parliament then formed a special parliamentary oversight committee to investigate. Three months later they sent their report to the parliamentary budget committee, then on to Treasury for comment, who in turn made a recommendation to the Premier.”

“And the Premier approved the extra funds, and now work is proceeding?”

“No, she can’t do that without a vote in Parliament.”

“Dare I ask....?”

“No, state Parliament decided that it should be referred to the Federal government for one of those dollar for dollar subsidies.”

“And.....?”

“And what?”

“What happened at the Federal level?”

“Oh, Federal Treasury was of the opinion that as there will be a Federal election in the next six months, it might appear as pork barrelling if they were to approve the grant for this project, as it is in a marginal seat.”

“That didn’t stop the sports rort or the swimming pool grants, just before the last election.”

“I don’t know what you mean. Anyway, they will do nothing at present and let the new government look at the project next year.”

“So they did nothing, they didn’t make a decision at all?”

“Oh, on the contrary; deciding to do nothing is a decision.”

“How come a humble flagman knows so much about this?”

“I am not humble.”

“Of course not, you’re a millennial. So silly of me.”

“We agree on something. But to answer your question, I know all about this because I was the concept budget officer.”

“How unfortunate?”

“We agree again!”

<>

A totally exasperated Edward went back to the car, took a few deep breaths and tried to explain some of his conversation to Romel.

“That’s all very informative but where do we go know?” Romel asked.

“I’ll ask Mill.”

“Is that wise?”

“Probably not, but what other option is there?”

“Ok, go ask, but don’t be so long.”

<>

“Ah back again Sir, how can I help you now?”

“Is there an alternate road we can take to get to Gulargembone?”

“Of course, just go back two Ks and take the Tooraweenah road.”

“Thanks, but why didn’t you tell me before?”

“You didn’t ask. You boomers are so slow to catch on.”

“Enjoy your day, doing nothing.”

***

Back on the road, they found the turnoff road and proceeded happily. About 30 km along the Tooraweenah road, Romel froze when he saw another ‘road works ahead’ sign and stopped in the middle of the road. “Did you see that sign?” he asked.

“Yes, I wonder what we’re in store for this time?”

A short time later there was another flagman with the ubiquitous STOP sign.

“Wish me luck.” asked Edward.

<>

“Good afternoon mate, having a good day?” asked Edward

“Oh, not bad, no point complaining, no bastard wants to listen anyway.”

“It can’t be that bad.”

“Oh it is.”

Edward instinctively knew he should not ask, but couldn’t help himself.”

“How would you like to be out here, in the hot sun all day, alone with only a lollipop stick for company? And when I painted a smiley face on the other side, so I’d have someone to talk to, they took it off me. Said I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.”

“That does seem a bit cruel.”

“Cruel, you want to hear cruel?”

Edward didn’t really, but figured he didn’t have much choice.

“I’m out here in all weather. Yesterday the wind was so strong it would have blown a dog off its chain.”

Hey, that’s an idea, why don’t you get a dog for company?”

“Don’t let me start about that.”

“Ok, I won’t ask.”

“I had a dog, and even though he farted all day, he was at least some company. I used to talk to him all day. I knew he didn’t understand me, but it helped just to talk though things. I’ve got to say he was a good listener, never interrupted even once. That’s a real mate.”

“So where is he today?”

“Dead mate, got run over on the frog and toad.”

“Shit that’s awful, how did it happen?”

“We were just having a chinwag, for a couple of hours, hadn’t seen a car all morning. Then when the first truck for hours came from the other direction, Bluey just got up, walked slowly into the middle of the road, lie down like he was already dead and let the B double run over him. Mad as a two bob watch he was.”

“Shit, deserted by your best friend.”

“Oh he wasn’t the first. One day my wife just up and left while I was here at work. All she left was a note, saying she’d had enough and was moving into the shed because I could talk the leg off an iron pot. I thought that’s not so bad, at least she’s down the back yard. But when I went down to talk to her she wouldn’t open the door. Said she was enjoying being on her own, but I didn’t believe that, so I pulled up a couple of old tyres, made a seat out of them, sat down and talked to her through the door. She listened politely for a few hours, I knew she was a good listener also as there was never any backchat, she just listened. Then without saying anything, she must have been trying to shoot some rabbits through the window, but when I went in to ask if she got ‘em, she was just lying there on the ground, bleeding and not saying anything; dead as a doornail. Stupid woman, you’d think she would know which end of a gun to point at the rabbit.”

“Fuck me!”

“No mate, I’m not one of those. Not that I have a problem with them. Some of my best friends are....”

“What were you going to say?”

“I was going to say, some of my best friends are shirt lifters mate, it sounded like the right thing to say, but the truth is I don’t have any friends.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, can I do anything for you?”

“You wouldn’t have a coldie in the car would ya, my tongue’s as dry as a dead dingo’s donger.”

“I have some water. I’ll get you a bottle.”

“Bottled water! I don’t drink that stuff. You don’t know where it’s been before they put it in the bottle. You do know that fish fuck in water.”

“I hadn’t really thought about it that way. I’ve also got some orange juice, I’ll get that for you.” Edward returned with the juice and a sandwich he had prepared, in case they couldn’t find anywhere to eat along the road.

“Here mate, have this.”

“Thanks I might feel a bit better when I get my laughing gear around that.”

The hungry man devoured the sandwich so quickly, Edward thought it would have barely touched the sides. He then asked “Do you have any family, children, brother or sister?”

“No, just me.”

“Are your parents still....?”

“Do you know the movie Thelma and Louise?” Edward though that was a strange answer to his question, but let him continue.

“They were big fans of them and ....you know, on the Blue Mountains road, just after my twenty-first birthday.”

“How unfortunate for you. I can see why you don’t have any friends, it must be a risky responsibility for anyone to take on.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Never mind I shouldn’t have said it, a bit rude of me.”

“Are you from the big smoke?”

“Yes, why?”

“Oh, it’s just your ways, shiny new car and ya mate seems a bit shy. Why doesn’t he get out for a chat? What’s his name?”

“He’s Romel, my partner.”

“You two in business together?”

“Why...oh I see what you mean. No, I mean life partner, we live together.”

“What you city folk call a flat mate.”

“No we’re more than that, we love each other.”

“Fuck me! oops I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I’m not asking, just I’ve never met two poofters before. Do you really do it...in the back door?”

“Yes, sometimes, is that surprising to you?”

“I’m buggered if I know, just never spoken to any happy people before.”

“You mean gay?” replied Edward, then thought perhaps the first suggestion was correct also.

“Yeah, that must be it. You just seem like a regular bloke, are you sure you’re one of them?”

“I don’t have an id card to prove it, but yes I am.”

“Good onya.”

“Thank you, very decent of you to say so.”

“My pleasure, oh there I go again, what will you think of me?”

“I’ve not noticed that you have a two-way radio or anything like that. How do you know when it will be safe for us to proceed down the road?”

“It’s safe now, if you want to go.”

“How do you know?”

“There’s no road works here, haven’t been for months.”

“So, why are you standing here with a stop sign?”

“So that, kindly blokes like you will stop for a chinwag.”

<>

Edward found he couldn’t take offence at the lonely old man’s actions. In fact he felt sorry for him and perhaps he should stay a bit longer, but knew Romel would be impatient, so he bid him goodbye and returned to the car.

“He says we can go ahead now, the road works are finished.”

“Thank goodness for that. I was beginning to think we should turn around and find another way around.”

“No need for that, drive on and don’t spare the horses.”

“What horses?”

“Never mind, that old gent just reminded me of some old saying my grandfather used to use.”

<>

About an hour later, as they approached a small a town, they saw a sign ‘Stop for the Best Pies in the World’

Romel asked “How can they know there’s are the best in the world, is there some sort of international competition?”

“I doubt it, every country pie shop makes that claim.”

“Then since you gave away our lunch, maybe we should test their claim.”

“What a bonza idea.”

They found the pie shop. It wasn’t difficult as it was one of only two shops in town. As they pushed their way pass the dog sitting on the step of the shop, Edward said “Must be attracted by the smell of baking.”

“Can’t blame him, smells great.” answered Romel.

There was a long list of pie flavours to choose from. While they were perusing the menu the proprietor noticed them taking so long and asked “Are ya gonna make a decision any time today mate?”

“It’s just that you have some many options, it’s hard to choose. Anyway I’ll have a beef and bacon.” answered Edward.

“You too late.”

“Run out today have you?”

“No you’re a day late, we only do beef and bacon on Tuesdays.”

“No problem, I’d love a beef and mushroom.” He shook his head side to side. “No mushrooms, I assume?”

“Right on, out of season ‘round here.”

“Romel why don’t you order, while I make another pick.” suggested Edward.

Romel was a bit nervous of the baker so he whispered to Edward “I’ll have the lamb and mint.”

“My mate will have a lamb and mint pie.”

“Tell him he’s dreamin, what with the flamin’ cost of lamb lately you’d need a mortgage to buy one.”

“No sweat... got that Romel?”

“Loud and clear.” he answered, “Just order anything, I’m starved.”

“How about two plain beef pies?” Edward asked.

“I’d love to help ya mate but...”

“Don’t tell me you don’t even have plain beef.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I only have one left.”

“We’ll have it thanks.”

“And what sauce do you want with that?”

Edward opened his mouth to answer, but thought better of it and replied “No sauce thanks.”

As the proprietor walked away, Edward heard him mutter “Cheapskate.”

Edward took the pie, paid and when he noticed it was cold, said “Hey this pie’s cold”

“You didn’t say you wanted it hot. That’s an extra dollar for heating.”

“Cold will be fine, I’m sure the dog in the street won’t mind.”

***

As the alarm sounded, Romel woke first, then rolled over and shook Edward by the shoulder. “Come on sleeping beauty, time to hit the road.”

A groggy Edward answered “I’m not sure I still want to go.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve just had the most disturbing dream about a road trip.”