Catering With Benefits (3) - An Appetite for More - 58. Mardi Gras 2020

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On Mardi Gras night all available staff were on duty in the various venues and even those partners that did not normally work there, were co-opted for the night.

Every food waiter was dressed only in black tight fitting pants and bow tie. Bartenders and drink waiters, including Dean, were dressed in glittery rainbow boxers. The different rooms were decorated and the air was filled with incense.

Guests were served champagne on arrival and ushered to their tables as the meal had to be served early so that all diners could be finished before parade time.

The parade lived up to its usual standard of fun, colour, inclusion, satire and a few serious messages. Dean’s crew kept the drinks flowing all through the parade viewing. After the parade, dessert was served in Poppy’s and then the guests were invited to move to Divas for the show and party.

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Ed Weiner opened the show.

“Well was that one fucking great parade, or am I wrong?” she asked

“It was great.” was the general reply.

“Right answer.” she replied “Because I’m never wrong... really. And I’m an expert on parades. I mean, I’ve been paraded before the magistrate’s court on a few occasions. But that’s enough about me. What shall we talk about?”

“Sex.” Someone yelled out.

“Now why does that not surprise me? But not just now, I remembered what I was going to ask you.

Have you heard about this new Chinese virus thing? It’s all the rage in Wuhan apparently. I mean it’s not bad enough that we import all our goods from China, now we even import our diseases from there. But hey, I shouldn’t be too harsh on them, they gave it to use free of charge. That’s got to be something.”

When her audience stopped laughing she said “There’s another new thing around town, they call it social distancing. But it’s not new to me, I haven’t spoken to my neighbour since 2002.

And there’s all this advice about hygiene and such. They tell you not to touch your face to avoid spreading germs. Well, I’ve got that one sorted. My advice is to have a glass of wine in each hand. Speaking of which, when did this become a dry event? Waiter!”

Just then Dean was passing the stage and Ed called “Dean baby, can you come up on stage?”

As Dean walked up to Ed, she said “Meet the lovely Dean everyone. Isn’t he beautiful and the best bartender in town. Don’t you just love his muscles?’ she asked as she patted his chest. “And what have you got there on your pecs darling?”

“My new nipple rings, bought just for tonight.”

“Did they cost a lot my love?”

“Yes, they’re fairly expensive.”

“Well you could have me hanging off your nipples for free.”

“Think I’ll pass on that.”

“Now what are you up here for sweetie, besides refusing my generous offer?”

“You asked me to come up?”

“Oh yes, sorry got distracted by your p p pecs. Anyway, what I want to ask you is, I hear you’ve invented a new cocktail and you have one for me. I just love cock...tails, don’t you folks?

Yes, of course you do. Now tell me sweetie, what ‘s this new cocktail of yours.”

“It’s called a quarantini, Ed. You’re supposed to drink it alone”

“Thank you Dean, now get that cute butt off my stage and see if anyone needs a drink. Although I think you’ll have it easy for the rest of the night. They’re pissed to the eyeballs already.”

Ed Weiner sipped the cocktail “Not bad, but if I had to go into quarantine I think I’d need more than a few of those. Probably they could feed them to me intravenously.”

As she leaned over the edge of the stage, she called another waiter over “Darling, take this glass for me, it’s empty, that ‘s not use to Mamma.

Now back to serious business. Some of my friends in the audience are waxers and hairdressers. They say that if we have a lockdown the first businesses to close will be personal services, such as nail and hair salons, waxing centres and tanning studios. So don’t be surprised if it gets very ugly out there on the streets.

Now here’s a little health advice. You know what they say, feed a cold, starve a fever, and drink a corona.

You know, there’s so much health advice around these days, it’s hard to know what to believe. I mean the WHO... not it’s not a question, it’s a statement. Anyway, the World Health Organisation said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. Well I’ll never listen to them again. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.

While I was trying to hide behind the shopping trolley, I heard this old lady telling her friend ‘My grandchildren are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.’

“Awww” said the audience.

“I know sad isn’t it? But when I got home I saw a neighbour talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. So I went into my house, told my cat and we had a good laugh.”

There was just a groan from the audience. “She was talking to her dog, and I told my cat and.....oh fuck it, I hate it when I need to explain ‘em.”

Now, because some of you, with the emphasis on some, have been such a wonderful audience, I must apologise, because this is all you’re gonna see of me tonight. I know, I know you want more but I’m sorry that’s your lot. The rest of tonight’s entertainers will be younger, fitter, have more muscles and everything else you lust after. But they won’t be as funny as me. No one would dare to upstage me.

So my lovelies enjoy what is going to be a very different show. I must warn you there will be nudity, so I’ll wait 15 seconds for those that might be offended, to leave....

No one leaving? So what if I told you there will be sex on stage?” Ed waited another fifteen seconds.

“Ok, don’t say I didn’t warn you, it’ll be too late to whinge on social media tomorrow. Good night.”

As Ed walked off stage the lights went down and Max’s voiceover announced “Everyone, please welcome to the stage our very own Fedora Duo.”

Then the sounds of Joe Cocker’s You Can Leave Your Hat On filled the air. As the lights came up again, Justin and Snowy were standing at a bar, each with a cocktail in hand. They were both dressed in full dinner suits complete with bow ties and fedoras. They removed their hats and put them on the bar, toasted each other, put down their drinks and appeared to start an argument.

In a threatening gesture Snowy removed his jacket and threw it on the ground. When he held up a fist, Justin removed his jacket and held up two fists. They shaped up to each other, as boxers do and then both grabbed their own shirtfronts and ripped them open, revealing pumped lightly oiled chests. Their shirts were discarded, but the bow ties and collars remained intact around their necks.

They strutted around the stage for a few moments, finishing at the front of the stage and went down on their knees. As they shook their upper bodies the lights caught their nipple jewellery so the crowd whistled and applauded.

They then stood and slowly removed their belts. Snowy walked behind Justin and pushed his back till he bent over. Justin remained in this position while Snowy gave his butt a good slap with the leather belt. Snowy then bent over and allowed Justin to do the same to his arse.

When the crowd yelled “WOW” they repeated the butt slapping a few times and finished by discarding the belts.

Then turning their backs on the audience grabbed their pants and ripped them off by the Velcro fastening. They turned to the audience who, prompted by Brett, started a slow clap.

Again they turned their backs on the audience, did a few butt flexes, which caused the clapping to get louder and faster.

The two boys then slapped each other on the butt a few times, grabbed each other’s boxers by the arse end and they ripped to shreds as they came off. They waited a few moments then turned together, holding the fedoras over their tackle. Each man then removed his hand from the hats, but the hats remained in place.

When the audience yelled “Awww” they waved a finger each, indicating no. Then they took hold of the hats, removed them, put them on their heads and took a bow.

The applause and whistles went on for minutes. As it finally died down Max’s voice announced “Thank you Snowy and Justin. Now, yet another sexy act for your pleasure called Me and My Image.

A stage hand, dressed all in black, including a balaclava that made him almost invisible, wheeled a large mirror frame onto a dimly lit stage. He then pushed a ballet bar alongside the mirror.

As the music started a handsome young man, wearing only a small ragged piece of cheese cloth wrapped around his waist, walked onto the stage and did a few ballet stretches at the bar. Then stepping to the middle of the stage entertained the audience with a few modern dance steps. He stopped suddenly when he saw the mirror. He looked at the audience, scratched his head , then walked to the mirror. He looked at his image, tilting his head side to side, then did a 360 turn and again looked at his image.

Noticing a dirty spot on the mirror he scratched at it, but was not satisfied with the result. He stepped aside from the mirror, removed the cheese cloth, returned to the mirror and started to polish it, all the time keeping his eye on his own image.

Polishing finished, he discarded the cloth, turned towards his audience and held out his arms to attract applause. The audience obliged.

He then turned back towards the mirror, preened his appearance, by running his fingers through his hair, smoothing his eyebrows and rubbing his hands over his chest. Satisfied with his appearance he turned back to the audience, but this time, his image did not turn. Instead of turning, the image stepped out of the mirror and stood very close behind him. When the audience gasped, he gave them a puzzled look and as he turned sideways, the image moved to stay behind him. He then turned back to the audience, but his image stood still, leaving them standing side by side.

He did a double take at the sight of his own image beside him and the audience laughed.

As they stood together, the audience was amazed at their similarity. No one could pick any differences, except one. On closer inspection a few audience members in the front row noticed their erections were not entirely in sync.

Max announced “Thank you to our twins Isa and Duncan. Please show your appreciation for their amazing performance.” Again the audience obliged.

“Now the entertainment continues, this time with a solo performance from a man who calls himself Equus. I wonder why?”

Ravel’s Bolero started softly and slowly. The stage was lit by a single spotlight on a chaise lounge, centre stage. A tall dark handsome man, dressed in a suit, walked onto the stage and took a bow. He removed his jacket, then removed his tie and hung it over the back of the lounge. As he removed his shirt, to the sound of the music, the audience gasped at his muscled chest and abdomen.

The strip continued as he removed his shoes, sox and pants, leaving him wearing only tight boxers. As he strode around the stage giving everyone a good view of his handsome body the spotlight followed him. He eventually returned to the lounge turned to face the back of the stage and ripped off his jocks. The audience waited for him to turn towards them but he did not. Then the figure dressed in black, walked on stage. He walked pass Equus, and behind the lounge, where he took the tie from the lounge and walked to Equus, still with his back to the audience and his hands behind his back. The black figure then tied Equus’ hands with the tie and left the stage. Equus turned and finally gave the audience a full frontal.

He then lay on the lounge, hands tied behind his back, and stared at the ceiling. The audience had no idea what he was now going to do but waited in silence. By now the tempo of Bolero was increasing and Equus began to move his hips from side to side. The music tempo quickened and Equus did a few pelvic thrusts. His penis was rock hard and perfectly vertical as he continued his thrusting. He still stared towards the ceiling and paused his thrusting momentarily. Then as the music reached its crescendo, Equus turned his face to the audience, the spotlight grew brighter and long strings of cum shot forth from his twelve inch canon. They reached over a metre in height and to a spellbound audience, seemed to pour back down in slow motion, landing on Equus’ chest and abdomen.

The black figure then walked on stage with a towel and wiped Equus clean. He stood up, his hands were untied and he took a bow to shouts of ‘amazing’. ‘fabulous man’, ‘what a gusher’ ‘no hands, what a stud’.

Max’s voice thanked Equus and added “So you like hands free, well you’re gonna love Juanito’s Wet Dream. Please welcome our very own Juanito, a little less dressed than when he usually appears on this stage.”

Juanito walked on stage dressed in a white T shirt and black stretch jeans. In the centre of the stage was a bed with no ends and mounted about a metre above the floor, so it was at eye level for most of the audience. He yawned and then went about preparing for bed. He removed his phone from his pocket and placed it on a side table. He removed his T shirt slowly teasing the audience be revealing his abs an inch at a time, then his chest and finally removed the shirt and threw it to a lucky audience member. He unzipped to reveal no jocks and no pubic hair. Before removing his jeans he turned away from the audience. As he slowly rolled them down, he bent over, giving the audience a grand view of his butt and eventually his hole.

He then mounted the bed, lie on his side, facing the audience and pulled the sheet up. He closed his eyes and from that point onwards he did not move at all, he just lay there motionless. Then the black figure pulled back the sheet to reveal a sleeping Juanito. As the bed began to revolve the audience enjoyed the 360 degree view of his relaxed body.

The bed continued to revolve and finally stopped revolving, leaving Juanito facing the audience with a full erection, but still no animation from any other part of his body. For all intents and purposes, he was sound asleep. He continued to sleep motionless for about three minutes. As much as they enjoyed the view some grew restless, wondering what he was going to do, while others waited patiently for a surprise.

Then there was one twitch of his penis and the cream spewed forth, to the utter amazement of his audience. He had not only achieved a hands free orgasm, but without moving any part of his body.

The lights went down and when they came up again Juanito and the figure dressed in black took a bow together. As the whistles continued, Raj removed his balaclava and they took a final bow.

They left the stage and the house lights came up, so the audience could discuss how he was able to do it. None of the solutions they discussed included electro stimulation of the prostate, managed by Raj, concealed behind the bed.

After allowing for the audience to settle, Max announced “It just keeps getting better doesn’t it. Well fasten your seatbelts and get ready for this ride with Tristan and Snowy.

In low light, a naked Tristan pirouetted to centre stage and dropped to the floor doing side splits.

Snowy then strode manfully on stage and proceeded towards Tristan as the lights slowly grew brighter. Snowy leaned over Tristan, lowered one arm with the forearm horizontal. Tristan gripped Snowy’s arm and was lifted to a standing position.

In his other hand Snowy was holding a twelve inch stainless steel penis sounding rod. When Tristan was at full length, Snowy slowly inserted ten inches of the rod into Tristan’s proud erection. He was so hard his penis held the weight of the rod in a perfectly horizontal position. He slowly walked around the stage and returned to Snowy, who was by then rock hard also. Tristan walked towards Snowy and docked the remaining two inches of the sounding rod into Snowy. The two were now joined.

With his hand wrapped around his penis, Tristan slowly stroked back and forth. The audience was quiet but their anticipation could be felt throughout the room. Some were expecting Tristan to come, but he didn’t. When he finished stroking his manhood, he withdrew slowly from Snowy and revealed only two inches of the sounding rod protruding from Snowy.

While stroking his penis he had in fact been using his thumb, held underneath his penis, to transfer the rod to Snowy. Tristan then looked at the protruding two inches, then looked questioningly at the audience, who understood exactly what he was asking. Almost in unison they answered his unspoken question with a “Yes”.

He pushed the remaining two inches into Snowy, who then walked towards the front row and invited an audience member to check there was no trick by giving him a magnet and asking him to slide it along his penis to ensure it was completely filled with metal.

He then returned to centre stage and by using no hands, only the muscles at the base of his penis, he forced the rod out and let it fall heavily onto the stage.

They both took a bow to applause and whistles.

Then Max announced, “Please welcome back on stage all our performers for tonight. Slowly the audience started to stand to give them all a standing ovation.

*****

The following Saturday, Divas was dressed in red and white, Virginia’s favourite rose colours and each table decorated with roses from the garden at Crystalline.

Edward was so nervous about his first wedding as celebrant that Romel doubted he would be able to carry it through.

“Why are you so nervous, you’ve been on the stage and playing to audiences for years?”

“This is nothing like that. When I’m Ed Weiner, I’m someone else hiding behind lots of makeup and playing a character. Now I’m going to be out there, almost naked, just me with no character to hide behind. I can’t joke my way through a routine, this is a serious business.”

“But you’ve passed your exams, got your licence and rehearsed at home many times. You’ll be fabulous.”

“I wish I had your confidence in me.”

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As the guests started to arrive and were ushered to their seats, Edward became a little distracted from his nervousness. From the side of the ceremonial area he supervised from a distance and kept sending Romel out to check on the arrival of the wedding couple. When Desmond arrived, Edward went out and had a few words with him, to ensure he was aware of the procedures for the day. They then awaited the arrival of the bride.

At the entrance of the venue, Jonathan was pacing up and down the street, like an expectant father. Finally he saw his Rolls Royce come into view and went over to escort Virginia from the car.

“What are you doing here Jon?”

“Just lending a hand. As a mature bride, I don’t suppose you want to be given away, as such.”

“Definitely not, I’m not anyone’s property to be given way.”

“I get that, I just thought you might like an escort to the room.”

“In that case I accept your offer, Sir.”

As they reached the foyer, Jonathan said “Can you wait a bit before you go in?”

“Why?”

“It’s just that...um...Lachlan’s not here yet.”

“Lachlan’s not getting married, I am. Why should I have to wait for Lachlan?”

“Um...it’s important to me, that he be here.”

“I don’t understand Jon, I know he’s your partner but it’s my wedding and I’m not waiting any longer. Des might think I’ve stood him up.”

“Oh he won’t think anything of the sort.”

“Well I’m only waiting a few more minutes and then I’m going in.”

“Thank you.”

While waiting Virginia walked towards the closed double doors and pushed them open just a little to see her assembled guests. Meanwhile Jonathan was looking out the external door awaiting the arrival of Lachlan’s car.

Without turning around Virginia said, “Have you seen the decorations, they’re exquisite.”

“Yes, the roses are from our garden.”

“How thoughtful Jonathan.” She continued to peer through the narrow door opening trying to identify her guests from behind. Eventually her patience reached its end and she demanded “Jonathan, as my self-appointed escort, do you think you could open the doors for me to make an entrance, so I can go to my own wedding?”

“It would be my pleasure.” she heard from behind her, but she knew it was not Jonathan’s voice.

She turned around, paused for a moment and then exclaimed “Thomas!”

THE END