A Different Love - 43. Chapter 43

Despite my new found air of confidence, I took as long as possible to walk up the garden path, mentally psyching myself up for the barrage of difficult questions I knew would follow. Only the slight shaking of my hand as I unlocked the front door gave away my real feelings, but there was no fooling Nathan and the slight squeeze he gave my shoulder proved he understood how nervous I felt. We stood for a moment in the dimly lit hallway, before moving quietly into the kitchen. The only sound that could be heard was the feint murmur of conversation from the lounge and I held my breath, about to open the door. The muted voices suddenly became much louder as the door unexpectedly opened and in walked mum calling back to dad over her shoulder.

"I’m sure its Nathan’s car parked outside”

She switched on the light at the same moment and the fluorescent tube began to flicker, suddenly flooding the room with incandescent light. She slowly turned to face us and almost jumped out of her skin at the sight of us standing there. The cup and plate that were resting on the palm of her hand went crashing to the floor and pieces of broken crockery and splashes of cold tea shot across the floor in all directions.

“Jason! She exclaimed anxiously “You’re home at last! Are you ok? We’ve been worried sick about you”

“Yeah, I’m fine mum. There’s no need to worry, honestly”

My eyes became fixated on a piece of broken pottery, still spinning around where it had landed. Desperately trying to avoid the real issue, I stuttered an apology, unable for the moment to face her direct gaze.

"S-sorry mum, we didn’t mean to startle you! I’ll clean it up straight away”

“Never mind that” she urged, grasping my shoulder “Come and see your dad, he wants to talk to you”

“Don’t worry Mrs. Wright; I’ll clear up the mess”

She shifted her gaze towards Nathan, as if noticing his presence for the first time. “Thank you Nathan”

He bent down and began gingerly picking up the pieces of scattered pottery, placing them carefully in his hand. The prospect of facing mum and dad without him beside me felt extremely daunting and I couldn’t help looking back at his stooping figure. His gaze met mine and he silently mouthed the words, won't be long. Hopefully he would join me in no time and we could try and explain what had happened together. Nathan was definitely better at fabricating a story than I was and there was no doubt whatsoever, if left to me, the truth would undoubtedly be revealed.

Dad was staring anxiously at the door when I went in and it was only when I saw his worried face that the full realisation of what I’d done hit me with the force of a sledgehammer. How could I possibly have caused him so much worry in his fragile state of health?

Before I could say a word his glance flew towards my hand and my face quickly reddened with shame.

“Look at your hand lad” he exclaimed, shaking his head in alarm “How on earth did you do that?”

I glanced downwards at my bandaged hand, making sure at the same time that the scar on my other wrist remained hidden. “It’s not as bad as it looks” I replied quickly, desperately attempting to play down the situation “The doctor said it could have been a lot worse”

“Does it hurt love?” mum enquired sympathetically, following me into the room

“Yeah, quite a bit. The doctor gave me some painkillers but they’re only just kicking in”

“Ok Jason, tell us exactly what happened!” Dad broke in impatiently

There was a stark firmness in his voice that was rarely present and his eyebrows rose slightly as he watched me painfully ease myself down into the chair.

“It’s nothing dad, really!” I quickly assured him, anxiously keeping one eye on the open door into the kitchen.

My silent prayers were answered, when true to his word, Nathan suddenly appeared, wiping his hands on a towel.

“All done Mrs. Wright, I’ve cleaned the floor and put the pieces in the bin”

“Thanks love, come on in and sit down”

“So what happened son?” dad repeated impatiently, eager to know the details.

I glanced across at Nathan uneasily and he immediately jumped in to answer for me. “Unfortunately, it’s all a bit hazy for Jason, Mr. Wright. He was in a lot of pain”

“But why didn't you come straight home after you’d been to the hospital?” he insisted “We were so worried about you”

I looked first at dad and then at mum, genuinely sorry for the unnecessary worry I'd caused them “I know and I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you any stress”

“I’m afraid that was my fault Mr. Wright” Nathan interrupted again “By the time we got out of the hospital it was really late and I didn’t want to disturb you, so I thought it was best if he....erm....stayed at mine”

His voice tailed off at this point and he looked to my mum for support. I could see from their faces that they both realised that Nathan’s decision, rightly or wrongly, had been based on his concern for me but he knew that my mum would be the easier one to convince. All I was grateful for was the fact that they didn’t know the real reason why I couldn’t come home. For a start off I hadn’t even been at the hospital last night and on top of that I was so blind drunk that I couldn’t even walk. At least by today everything had been sorted out and all that we had to do now was convince them of that. I was so glad that Nathan had volunteered to do the talking and wondered how on earth he was going to explain what had happened.

“I’m sorry if I was wrong” he continued meekly “But I did what I thought was right at the time”

Mum nodded and smiled at him “We appreciate you looking after him so well Nathan and thanks for ringing us last night......oh and again this morning” she added as an afterthought.

Nathan nodded his head in acknowledgement and I smiled at him gratefully. This was the first time I’d heard anything about him contacting them again this morning, but I was extremely glad that he had.

“It was no problem, really”

We all looked at dad for acceptance and he finally sighed and gave in. “No, you weren’t wrong Nathan. You did the best you could under the circumstances and we’re very grateful”

“Thanks Mr. Wright, that means a lot”

“You still haven’t told us how it happened though” he remarked, looking at us both expectantly. His eyes narrowed and a shrewd expression crossed his face. This time his remarks were directed towards Nathan and I looked on anxiously, wondering what his response would be to dad’s questioning.

“I take it that alcohol was involved!” he remarked, with an air of disapproval.

Nathan’s expression became completely non committal and he stared at dad without flinching. “Well actually no, not really Mr. Wright. We hadn’t had a lot to drink when it happened”

Dad gazed from one to the other of us with a barely disguised expression of scepticism, but he didn't say anything. I could only hope that Nathan's version of events would be taken as the real truth and help to allay any disbelief and uncertainty they both felt. As he began, my heart seemed to stop beating and I chewed my finger nails nervously, completely unaware what he was going to say.

“It was an unfortunate accident” he began, looking first at mum and then at dad “We’re both to blame really”

He paused to let his words sink in; planting the idea in their minds that the injury had been anything but self inflicted.

“We were in the restaurant and he was standing in the doorway to the toilet, talking to a friend. He pushed the door open to let me through and at the same time started to introduce me to the guy he was talking to. I stood with my back against the door holding it open and Jason must have put his hand over the door frame without realising”

At this point he gave me a look of feigned derision as though my action had been utterly stupid. His facial expressions and body language seemed to make it all the more real and if I hadn’t known he was faking, I would have been completely taken in.

“He wasn’t concentrating and as I moved away the door closed, trapping his hand. He shouted out in agony and I managed to stop it shutting altogether, but unfortunately not soon enough”

At this point he ran his finger over the knuckles of his hand to indicate where the damage had been done. They winced as people invariably do when injuries are described to them and they both looked at me with expressions of sympathy and compassion etched across their faces. I held up my bandaged hand to confirm Nathan’s story but my face was burning with guilt at the deception. All I could think of to back up Nathan’s story was to let them know how much it hurt.

“It was agony” I explained, screwing my face up “I’ve never felt anything like it before. My hand swelled up and every time I tried to move it the pain shot up my arm”

At least that was true if nothing else. I judged it best to keep my mouth shut now though, unless it was to confirm something that Nathan said. There was no way I would be able to convince them like he was doing, but from the look on his face when he turned towards me, I could tell that he was decidedly unhappy about having to deceive them.

“Of course then I had to get him to hospital to find out how much damage had been done" he continued, taking over the conversation once again "Fortunately, the guy we were talking to hadn’t been drinking at all and he gave us a lift to the hospital in his car.”

“That was kind of him” remarked mum “At least you got there quickly”

“It didn’t do us much good though” continued Nathan ruefully “It was ages before we got to see anyone”

“The place was really busy” I added, unable to help myself from adding to the true parts.

“He eventually got to see a doctor about three hours later, didn’t you Jason?

I was just about to open my mouth to agree with him when he carried on, and I didn't know if he wanted an answer or not.

“By the time we left the hospital it was getting really late. Jason was in a lot of pain and then he started being sick, so I thought it was best to look after him at my place”

A look of relief passed between mum and dad as they realised that Nathan had done everything he could to make sure I was ok. Breaking my earlier rule to remain silent, I soon wished that I hadn’t said anything.

“You see, there was no need to worry”

They both turned towards me with stony faced expressions “Parents never stop worrying about their children Jason” mum remarked in a voice that was filled with reproach “You’ll understand that one day”

Nathan rolled his eyes at me, silently warning me to say nothing more. Mum’s words echoed around my head, painfully reminding me of feelings I would probably never experience.

"We thought you’d have come home earlier today” mum continued ruefully, addressing us both.

“Jason had a really restless night Mrs. Wright. He kept being sick, so when he eventually dropped off I thought it was best if he got as much sleep as possible”

It seemed that Nathan had a plausible answer for every question they asked and at times I had to pinch myself to remind me it was all just an act. His seemingly genuine portrayal was so convincing that at times he almost had me believing it.

“So what did the doctor say?” asked dad.

At least this time I could answer without having to lie, but I still couldn’t help myself from glancing apprehensively at Nathan, silently seeking his permission. He gave a barely imperceptible nod and I carried on.

“He examined it and took an x-ray” I answered “The doctor said I’ve bruised my knuckles really badly but fortunately that’s all”

“Well that’s a relief!” cut in mum

“And he definitely said it was just bruised? insisted dad “Nothing broken or anything”

“No, just badly bruised” I assured him “He also said that if Nathan hadn’t stopped the door from shutting, most of the bones in my hand would probably have been broken”

This was completely untrue of course. Dr Ramsden had said no such thing and I could feel Nathan’s disapproving glare before I even looked at him. He would immediately know that it wasn't true, as there had been no previous mention of it. There was a deathly silence as mum and dad digested this new piece of information and I held my breath, hoping I hadn't gone too far. The silence was eventually broken by dad slowly nodding his head as he looked from one to the other of us. We returned his steady unwavering gaze and I couldn’t tell if he believed us or not. His health might be rapidly failing but he was certainly no fool and I felt acutely ashamed of lying. My parents had always brought me up to tell the absolute truth but I could hardly reveal the true facts leading up to my injury. It would make them far too suspicious and unleash any number of difficult questions, possibly leading towards the discovery of the most important secret I was keeping from them. I just wasn’t ready to tell them yet so there was no way I could let that happen, and if lying was the only way then that’s how it would have to be, at least for now.

“It sounds as if you’ve been really lucky Jason” dad remarked, seemingly satisfied at last “We owe you a lot Nathan!”

“Nonsense Mr. Wright, anyone would’ve done the same” he assured them, unwilling to take any credit, even though he deserved it for looking after me so well.

“Yes Nathan, thank you very much” added mum “You’ve been a real friend to Jason”

“I hope you’ve thanked him properly” added dad, gazing at me.

Nowhere near as much as I’d like to, I thought to myself, smiling inwardly. Instead I assured them I had “Of course I have! He's been a true friend”

Nathan blushed slightly at all the praise and looked decidedly uncomfortable. Even though we’d made the explanation up he certainly had nothing to reproach himself for. I realised that mum had never spoken a truer word. The only description for all that Nathan had done for me was real friendship and I couldn’t quite believe my luck. To find such a genuine and true friend was rare and I hoped that I hadn’t done irreparable damage to our relationship by virtually forcing him to lie.

“I don’t recognise your clothes Jason?” remarked mum

“Oh, they’re mine Mrs. Wright” Nathan cut in “There was some blood on his own so I washed them at my place”

He laughed nervously and quickly went on "Best to get the stains out as soon as possible”

“What else did the doctor say Jason?” mum asked.

“He said I should stay off work for a few days and get plenty of rest. And to make sure I don’t lift anything”

“That seems sensible” dad agreed, nodding his head “I hope you’re going to take notice of him”

“Of course!” I answered indignantly.

The words ‘what do you think I am’ hovered on my lips unspoken. It probably wasn’t the best time to antagonise anyone at the moment and I could tell that Nathan was decidedly unhappy. Sighing deeply, I looked around at the three frowning faces in front of me and hurriedly continued to speak.

“I have to make an appointment to see my own doctor in a few days to have it looked at again. He’ll tell me when I can go back to work”

“Let’s hope they understand!” dad remarked, raising his eyebrows “It’s a busy time of year”

“I’m sure they will” Nathan remarked, glancing at me and raising his eyebrows “It was an accident after all”

“I’ll just have to tell them I can’t lift anything for a while, that’s all”

Dad sighed and the worried look gradually slipped from his face “At least you’re alright now son, that’s the main thing”

I quickly gave Nathan a smile before answering “Yeah I am dad, thanks to Nathan. I’m sorry I’ve caused you so much worry. I didn’t mean to”

Dad smiled and the atmosphere gradually began to lighten. “Let’s forget about it Jason. At least you're okay now"

Everyone visibly relaxed and he sank back in his chair, clearly thankful that things had returned to normal.

“Anyway, after all that did you enjoy your meal?” mum asked.

I gave Nathan a sidelong glance before answering “Yeah it was great mum. We really enjoyed it”

Nathan smiled his agreement and I hurried on “Thanks again for the chain as well” I said, lifting it from around my neck and letting it run through my fingers “I couldn’t have wished for anything better.

Nathan suddenly stood up, fumbling with the zip on his jacket “I’d better be going” he said, addressing my parents “Let Jason get some rest”

“There’s no need to go yet!” I protested “Stay for some tea”

“Yes, you’re more than welcome Nathan” added mum “You know that”

“Thanks very much Mrs. Wright but it’s ok, honest” he replied firmly “I’ve got things to do”

My face dropped like a stone and I couldn’t understand why he was refusing to stay. On second thoughts however, as much as I wanted him to, I couldn't expect him to be with me every minute of the day. Like he said, he must have other things to do. Things that didn’t involve me and I had no right to demand his constant attention. Sighing to myself apprehensively, I knew that I was only skirting around the real reason for my concern. I hoped more than anything that I hadn’t ruined things between us by causing him to lie for me, because he obviously wasn't happy about it. Dad was talking again when my attention returned to the room.

“Remember Nathan, if you ever need anything, you’ve only got to ask” he reiterated “And thanks again for looking after him so well. We’re very grateful”

“No problem Mr. Wright” he answered, glancing across at me with a frown on his face.

They said their goodbyes to each other and Nathan moved towards the door.

“I’ll get you that book you wanted to borrow now Naith” I cut in quickly.

He glanced at me with a brief look of puzzlement that quickly turned to comprehension and I followed him into the kitchen, quickly shutting the door behind me. He stopped and turned around as I grabbed his arm and whispered to him urgently.

"Naith, wait!"

My heart sank as I studied his face, still shrouded in a deep frown and I silently indicated the direction of my bedroom down the hallway. He stood still, rooted by indecision, before finally giving a deep sigh of reluctant agreement. I closed the bedroom door quietly behind us before turning towards him apprehensively. He remained tight lipped and I realised that he hadn't said a single word since we'd left the lounge. I glanced at him worriedly, but foolishly forged ahead without thinking.

"Nathan you were brilliant! They never suspected a thing!"

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realised it was totally the wrong thing to say, but by then it was too late.

“That’s not the point though, is it Jason? he growled angrily in a low voice “I know I agreed to do the talking, but when it came to it, I really didn’t like lying to your parents. They’re far too nice for that and they just don’t deserve it"

He shook his head and gasped in amazement and I could tell by the tone of his voice he was really hurt. "I did it for you though and now you seem to think it's some kind of huge achievement that I can lie so well"

"Nathan it's not like that!"

His harsh words stung like a slap on the cheek and I swallowed guiltily, knowing he was right. It was blatantly obvious he was more than a little upset with me and I began to chew my fingernails nervously, surprised to feel my hands shaking.

“Look, I’m really sorry I put you in that position Nathan. It won't happen again, I promise"

"No, you’re right it won't" he snapped angrily.

His words made my heart sink and I recoiled in horror, suddenly feeling overwhelmingly emotional. Why did he make it sound so final?

"What do you mean Nathan?" I asked him as my stomach lurched crazily “I love you so much and nothing or no one will ever change the way I feel about you! No matter how many times you push me away"

"Jason, just don’t!!"

Now that I’d started, the words burst out of me like water from a geyser. "I know you feel something Nathan" I cried, clasping my hand over my heart "Because I can feel it....in here!”

"Jason, will you stop going on!" he retorted in an angry whisper "I'm not gay and I'm not in love with you! Is that clear enough? Is that what you wanted to hear? I told you before, just leave it, for fucks sake?"

So there it was! Now he'd said all those things I didn't want to hear and it was crystal clear. Only it wasn't! I didn't believe a word of it. I knew Nathan and I could tell when he wasn't telling me the truth. He was stressed and angry, totally unlike the Nathan I'd come to know and love. My head was full of confusion and hope, spinning around like some crazy, out of control windmill. But was I imagining it? Was I kidding myself into believing what I wanted to? Things were changing, I could feel it. It was foolish to believe they could ever stay the same once I revealed how I felt about him. But this couldn't be the end, I wouldn't let it be! He was bound to calm down at some point, he just needed some time. Ok, I'll give him some time, I will!

His face had flushed a deep shade of pink as he stared at me and I could tell he was on the verge of tears.

“Look Jason, get some rest over the weekend" he said gruffly "I’ll call you”

I was so overcome with emotion that I couldn't decide if I was being paranoid, or if it was my imagination, but was there an unspoken ‘sometime’ at the end of his sentence?

My heart lurched as the familiar feelings of vulnerability and loneliness swept over me once again. I was suddenly determined not to let him just walk out of my life forever without a fight. He turned and moved slowly towards the door, leaving me standing in the middle of the room with no choice but to address the back of his head.

“When Nathan?” I asked him, unwilling to let everything disintegrate around me.

The silence was deafening as he stood still with his hand on the door knob, clearly unwilling to turn around and face me.

“When what?”

He knew perfectly well what I was talking about, but obviously chose to pretend that he didn’t.

“When will you call me?”

“I don’t really know. Dad’s coming on Monday, so I’ll probably be busy for quite a while”

It was a definite brush off and my worst fears were confirmed when he refused to give a definite answer to my question. It looked as if I’d managed to screw up the best relationship I’d ever had by failing to act in a mature and adult way. I was 21 years old for god’s sake, hardly a child anymore! Why did I always have to behave like one?

He left the room without even saying goodbye and I suddenly noticed his card propped up on my desk. I rushed towards the door, waving it in my hand.

“Nathan, here’s your birthday card, I forgot to.......”

The front door banged shut behind him with an air of finality and the words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them “.......give you it” Holding the blue envelope against my heart, I collapsed onto the bed and for the next five minutes sobbed my heart out, until the pillow beneath me was soaked from my tears.

Half an hour later I wandered into the bathroom and glanced apprehensively in the mirror. My tear stained face was red and blotchy and I knew I had to pull myself together. Droplets of cold water spilled over the sink as I furiously splashed it on my face with one hand. Playing it safe, I held my injured hand safely behind my back, anxious to keep the bandage dry. I was becoming desperate to use the toilet and knew that Nathan’s jeans would have to come off before much longer. Dad would have trouble helping me and the prospect of mum undoing them for me was a definite no-no. There was nothing for it but to try myself and as I forced the fingers of my good hand inside the waistband and slightly twisted the button, it unexpectedly popped open, immediately freeing my hand. With a feeling of elation I eased it deeper inside the front of my jeans and repeated the action further down. Within no time at all each button had popped open and I wrestled the jeans to the floor, triumphantly stepping out of them. My feeling of euphoria was short lived as I stood over the toilet, suddenly feeling the urge to be sick. My head was spinning with recent events and my stomach threatened to yield its meagre contents at any time. I sat down heavily on the side of the bath as a wave of dizziness came out of nowhere, temporarily leaving me unable to move. The feeling of nausea gradually passed and I wandered slowly back to my bedroom, anxious to put on some trousers. This time getting dressed would hopefully be much easier than at Nathan’s and I confidently opened the wardrobe, selecting a loose fitting pair of elasticated jogging pants that didn’t need to be fastened. I managed to put them on reasonably easily and folded Nathan’s jeans the best way I could and put them on the chair, flatly refusing to believe that I wouldn’t get a chance to return them. My coat was still lying on the bed where I’d thrown it and the shiny silver protector on one corner of my wallet suddenly caught the light as it hung partly out of the inside pocket. The soft leather yielded beneath my fingers as I slowly reached inside and pulled it out completely, retrieving the folded up picture of Nathan, carefully stowed away in the rear compartment. Even though I knew what lay inside, my fingers trembled with anticipation and excitement as I sank down on the bed and unfolded the glossy piece of paper. The stunningly beautiful image of his perfect body was immediately revealed and my stomach twisted itself in knots at the sheer evocative nature of the image, captured forever in colourful glossy print. For the time being this was all I had left of him and my finger carefully traced the shape of his body, forever hungry to caress the real thing. It was possible that the way I felt was a complete over reaction to the recent events and Nathan would simply ring in a few days, completely allaying my fears. On the other hand, I seemed to be entirely incapable of thinking rationally where he was concerned and my mind was overwhelmingly awash with fears and insecurities that I thought were finally being eradicated from my life. Even though Nathan and I were only friends, it seemed that we shared so much more together and to lose it all for one simple act of stupidity would be totally unbearable. I tried desperately to hope our relationship would remain unchanged, if indeed we still had one, but all that clouded my mind was a picture of him leaving the room without even saying goodbye. At the very best Nathan was still angry with me and would gradually come around, but at worst our newfound friendship was over forever. Desolate thoughts such as these were rudely interrupted by mum’s voice calling me from the kitchen.

“Jason. I’ve made a cup of tea!”

My heart sank at the prospect of further questioning without Nathan beside me and I could only hope that their concerns and curiosity had been fully addressed. I shouted back so she could hear me.

“Ok mum, coming”

Hastily folding up my precious picture of Nathan, I slipped it safely back inside my wallet. The mattress creaked in protest as I struggled to ease myself into an upright position, my aching ribs a constant reminder of my stupidity. The throbbing in my hand had eased somewhat by now and I wandered slowly down the hallway towards the lounge, desperately hoping there would be no more awkward questions.

“Are you ok love, you look a bit flushed” mum asked, the moment I walked into the lounge.

“I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, what with the pain and everything. It’s probably just beginning to catch up with me, that’s all”

I had in fact slept for ages the previous night, albeit mostly in a drunken stupor. The whole episode had left me mentally shattered though and I rubbed my eyes in an attempt to convince them I was tired.

“You need to go to bed early tonight to make sure you get some proper rest then” she added

“Yeah, I will mum”

“Has Nathan gone?” enquired dad after a while.

My heart sank as his question seemed to make what had just happened all the more real.

“Erm yes, he has”

My face must have clearly shown some of the barely disguised anguish I was feeling and mum immediately picked up on it.

“Is everything alright between you two love?” she asked in a concerned voice “It’s just that Nathan didn’t seem his usual cheerful self today”

My voice rose unwittingly as I attempted to reassure her “Yeah of course! Everything’s fine”

My response was as convincing as I could make it sound, but I was by no means certain they believed me. As if to prove it the worried look failed to disappear from her face as she probed a little deeper.

“Perhaps he feels a little guilty for letting the door close on your hand” she suggested tentatively.

I frowned deeply and almost shrieked back at her, managing to restrain myself just in time. “Why would he? It was just an accident!”

Mum fell silent and I felt a pang of remorse for being so sharp with her. Trying to make amends for my snappy answer, I continued in an altogether calmer tone.

“You could be right I suppose mum, he did seem a bit upset. He didn’t say anything about it before he left though”“He seemed to be annoyed with you more than anything” dad mused, immediately pinpointing the truth as surely as a guided missile finds its target.

I flinched slightly at his accurate reading of the situation and tried to respond without giving a clue as to the real reason for his anger. My casual manner and laid back demeanour hid a feeling of utter panic and I desperately tried to answer him in a calm matter of fact voice, quietly dismissing his supposition.

“Oh, I don’t think so dad, he was fine before he left. He just said that he wanted me to get some rest for a couple of days and I had to ring him when I felt like going out again"

The bare faced lie and distortion of the truth didn't fall easily from my lips and I was instantly reminded of Nathan's words. Mum and dad didn't deserve to be lied to like this. I gave an inward sigh of relief as the pair of them seemed to accept what I'd said, but a moment later the panic returned with a vengeance when mum carried on with the subject I thought had been laid to rest.

“I just thought he might've stayed for tea that's all” she remarked innocently.

My heart pounded as I desperately tried to think of something to say. Finally trotting out the first excuse I could think of, I muttered uneasily “Oh, he was probably just embarrassed by all the thanks”

“As long as you’re sure there isn’t more to it than meets the eye Jason” she insisted again “I wouldn’t want you two to fall out over something silly”

Mum’s use of the word silly made me secretly gasp at the irony of the situation. Silly didn't come anywhere near to covering what I'd done! Utterly stupid and immature was a far more accurate description. I couldn’t really understand why mum was so concerned that my friendship with Nathan should survive though. The only thing I could put it down to was the fact that my list of friends wouldn’t fill a postage stamp and she probably thought he would be a good influence, especially in the pursuit of girls.

“He’s a fine lad” agreed dad “You could do a lot worse”

The Nathan fan club was out in force today and it seemed as though I couldn’t win whatever I said. Dad continued with a remark that took us right back to mum’s earlier probing.

"Still seems odd that he didn't want to stay for tea though"

My face began to colour up slightly as I racked my brains for a plausible excuse to explain his refusal to stay. All I could come up with was yet another lie, but I had to say something to put them off the scent. I forced the words out through gritted teeth, hating to say it, but with no real choice but to do so.

"The thing is, I erm didn't want to make too much of it. He's too polite to refuse and I know he’s got a date later on. He probably just wanted time to get ready”

There was silence and I could tell exactly what was going through their minds. I longed to shout at the top of my voice that I would never want a date with a girl, not now, not next week, not ever, but instead I kept my mouth firmly shut, hoping against hope that the awkward questions were over. I heaved a huge inner sigh of relief when mum suddenly changed the subject completely.

“I wanted to ask you a favour by the way” she said

“What is it mum?”

“It’ll be Christmas soon and I haven’t even had time to put the tree up yet. I wondered if you’d help me after tea”

“Yeah, course I will.”

The prospect of helping mum with the decorations was a welcome distraction and I readily agreed, unsure how much help I would be with the use of only one hand. Christmas was my favourite time of year and I loved everything about it. Even though my birthday was so near, it never seemed to spoil it for me and mum and dad had always done their best to keep the two special days separate. Until a short while ago this had promised to be the best one ever and I desperately hoped that Nathan would still decide to come. The thought of him spending Christmas alone all because of me was too much to bear and I desperately hoped he could still be persuaded to spend it with us. Being with my family and the man I loved would have been absolutely perfect at such a special time and ever since he’d accepted their invitation, I’d been over the moon. To jeopardise it all with my stupid, childish behaviour made me feel physically sick, especially as I knew he’d been thrilled to be asked in the first place. I crossed my fingers and uttered a silent prayer. If Nathan decided not to come then the awkward questions really would begin.

A stream of tinsel trailed over the edge of the large cardboard box as mum brought it in from the bedroom. Flicking off specks of dust from the yellowing cardboard, she set it down on the floor and opened the two flaps that were hiding the contents. With the help of a chair, I sank down slowly onto the carpet, doing my best to hide any pain and discomfort. I carefully began releasing the tree and for a short time it resisted my one handed efforts, before finally succumbing and I passed it to mum triumphantly. She took it from me and carefully began pulling down the branches into their outstretched positions and fixing on the feet. Setting it down on the carpet, she turned towards me with a look of expectation on her face and like a child in a sweet shop, I dipped my hand eagerly inside the box. Strips of shiny tinsel came out first and I playfully draped one over mum’s shoulders, wrapping it around her neck like a shimmering scarf. Dad chuckled to himself as he watched me messing about and it gave me a warm feeling inside to see how happy it was making him.

“It suits you that love” he commented, with a smile on his face.

Mum smiled back and without taking the tinsel off, began draping the remaining pieces over the branches of the tree. I dipped my hand into the box several more times and pulled out lots of shiny, coloured baubles in rich colours of red, blue and gold. Some of them were covered in glitter and tiny sparkling fragments remained in my hand after I’d hung them on the tree. The lights were next and soon began slithering out of the box like a lonwrithing snake as I gently tugged at them. No matter how carefully we’d put them away the previous year they still managed to become a tangled mess and I soon became frustrated. It was a difficult job with one hand and mum soon took over, draping the lights intricately around the branches. Years ago we would have hung chocolate figures near the baubles, ready for an eager child to eat. The thought immediately brought back memories of a previous Christmas many years ago and I chuckled to myself, marvelling at how it still seemed like yesterday. It was the beginning of December and I was 6 years old. Mum had just let me eat the first chocolate from my advent calendar and had put it back on the sideboard. Fascinated by all the doors that still needed to be opened; I’d taken it when no one was looking and hidden out of sight behind the settee. By the time I was found, a ring of chocolate around my mouth immediately gave the game away. Every chocolate had been eaten and mum and dad didn’t know whether to laugh or be angry. In the end they saw the funny side but from then on my advent calendar was always placed well out of reach. We still laughed about it even today, but to me it was a treasured memory from a childhood filled with love and laughter.

She moved the tree into the far corner and turned on the switch, immediately illuminating the tiny lights. The overall effect was magical and I stared at the shiny baubles, constantly flickering with light as they reflected the flames from the fire. The last thing to go on, as always, was the gold star at the top. She stood back to see how it looked, adjusting a piece of tinsel that was perfectly alright where it was.

“I think we’ve done a good job there” she said, standing back and proudly surveying our work “What do you think Jason?”

“Yeah, I agree mum, it looks brilliant!”

There would be no wall or ceiling decorations this year as mum was uncomfortable standing on a chair and at the moment, it was far too dangerous for me. Instead we placed some of the remaining decorations in various places around the room as usual. An old wooden nativity scene that we’d had for years was put in its customary place on the sideboard and I waited for dad’s usual comment as soon as it appeared. I wasn’t disappointed as he gave a low chuckle and pointed towards it.

“Made of wood that is son, they don’t make ‘em like that anymore. All plastic now”

A smile played across my face at the familiarity of his comment but I had to admit he was right. The model was beautifully carved in dark polished wood with hand painted figures and whoever had made it had obviously paid a lot of attention to detail. One of mum’s cousins had travelled extensively in Europe with her work and it had been carved in the Black Forest area of Germany and given to them as a gift.

“Thanks for your help Jason” mum smiled, sitting on the sofa “It’ll be nice having Nathan for Christmas this year”

I turned away so she couldn’t see my anguished expression and I uttered a silent prayer before answering. “Yeah, you’re right it will”

When I looked at dad he’d nodded off again and Mum had become engrossed in watching a programme on the television. I sat down beside her on the sofa and for the rest of the evening tried unsuccessfully to get Nathan out of my mind. Struggling to concentrate on the television, my thoughts constantly drifted away and for some ridiculous reason, all I could see was Nathan with his arms draped around some girl. In the end I thought it was probably best to go to bed. At least there, I would hopefully be able to forget about the events of the last couple of days and get some proper rest. Of course my decision was incredibly naïve and it didn’t turn out like that at all. As I tried in vain to fall asleep, my imagination began to run riot and all I could think about was Nathan and the girl, having wild and passionate sex in his enormous bed. The same bed that I’d slept in the previous night! I couldn’t help the anger building up at the injustice of it all. It should be me making love to Nathan, giving in to his urgent demands as our naked bodies entwined in passion. A rollercoaster of emotions surged through me and I grasped the pillow tightly, desperately trying to blank out the unbearable feeling of yearning. Eventually my eyes began to close and I drifted off into a fitful sleep, constantly tossing and turning. Even there I couldn’t escape him. He was suddenly standing in front of me completely naked, save for the tiny pair of orange briefs he’d been wearing in the flat. The outline of his clearly defined erection bulged outwards through the thin material and I dropped to my knees in front of him. My hands were suddenly stroking his warm thighs through the flimsy cotton briefs and I slowly began drawing them down. My eyes were momentarily drawn to the thin line of fuzzy blond hair that snaked downwards, ending in the normally hidden area that was gradually being revealed. Within seconds his cock had sprung eagerly forwards, the relentless downward motion of his briefs unable to restrain the pulsating flesh any longer. My eyes widened with sheer disbelief at the beauty of it, totally blown away by the sight of something I thought would be forever barred to me. With a thumping heart my open mouth moved eagerly towards it, ravenously hungry to savour the most intimate part of his body. My eyes closed in anticipation of what was to come, unable to believe my dreams were finally coming true. Almost at the point of contact, I was suddenly pushed roughly aside and landed on the floor with a bump. My eyes snapped open to see the girl that Nathan was with leering down at me triumphantly. The overwhelming sensation of falling jolted me awake and I found myself lying on the floor in a tangled heap, firmly sandwiched between the bed and the wall. Temporarily stunned, movement was completely out of the question for the time being and as the vivid events of my dream slowly filtered back, a crushing sense of disappointment enveloped me. How could I possibly have imagined, even in a dream, that Nathan would ever let something like that happen between us? Such an act of intimacy would almost certainly be reserved for some girl and there was no way I would ever be allowed to experience such all consuming pleasure. Desperately trying to shut him out of my mind, I realised just how much my head was hurting and vaguely wondered how many more injuries I could take. The sheer effort of getting up took my breath away and it was several minutes before the bouts of dizziness passed and I managed to haul myself painfully upright. The bed clothes were in complete disarray, tossed aside by my constant thrashing movements. The alarm clock had been knocked off the bedside cabinet and lay upside down where it had fallen, more than likely broken by the impact. Luckily I hadn’t fallen on my injured hand and the possibility of further damage had been avoided. Nevertheless, my whole body ached with every movement and as I painfully hauled myself up, I collapsed onto the bed completely exhausted, finally falling into a deep and undisturbed slumber.