A Different Love - 49. Chapter 49

It was 6am on Christmas Eve and I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in my own self-pity. This was getting ridiculous! I was in fear of becoming some kind of pathetic needy cling on, whilst Nathan was acting like an incredibly poor excuse for a human being. The thing was I couldn't help myself. Even if it was a drunken mistake on his part and all we could ever be were friends, I would grab that without a second thought. It was far better than nothing. My feelings for him were so incredibly strong they'd overtaken every aspect of my life. I couldn't sleep or eat properly. Sometimes, it felt as if I couldn't even breathe properly. Surely love shouldn't hurt like this. It shouldn't feel like a rusty screwdriver had been thrust into my chest and twisted backwards and forwards until the wound was causing unbearable pain, festering more and more each day! Nathan was treating me really badly and I didn't deserve it. Yet what was I doing? Stagnating! Feeling sorry for myself. Yearning for someone who might never be interested in me that way. The only time I almost managed to push him out of my mind was when I was with Aiden, but the minute I was alone again it would all come flooding back, causing me untold pain and regret. That wasn't in any way to detract from Aiden though. Amazingly, he'd suddenly turned into this sweet, thoughtful guy who had helped and supported me after Nathan had left. It had led to the most awesome sex between us, and I suddenly missed him an awful lot. By now he was in Australia and who knows, maybe I would never see him again. Of course I was fully aware that relationships were about so much more than sex. They were about love and understanding, a mutual respect for each other, a togetherness that was hard to put into words. Once that feeling was there, you never wanted it to end, never wanted to be alone again. If only Nathan would get in touch! I longed to ask him if the kiss meant anything at all, or if it was just the result of an impulsive drunken act of excessive familiarity.

I suddenly thought of all the things I'd done in my life that I'd never had the courage to do before. The things I could be proud of. Where was the guy that had the courage to enter a gay bar for the first time? The courage to date Connor, an out and proud gay man several years older than me. The person who'd confessed everything to Tom at work and had even helped Aiden come to terms with his own sexuality. These were all things that had taught me that life was too short. You had to grab the bull by the horns and go for it!

But more than anything, I needed to know the truth! I refused to live like this any longer. At that moment a light bulb went on somewhere inside my head. The decision was instantly made without further thought or consideration and I suddenly felt better than I had in ages. It was time to send my very last message, whatever the outcome! Even though Tom had said to keep trying, I suddenly decided it was now up to Nathan. He'd never once answered his phone or replied to the countless texts I'd sent him. This, however, would be my one final message. One last attempt to win his heart. If what Aiden and Tom had said was true and he did feel the same way about me, then this would be his final chance to say so. I'd virtually given up on the idea he would come for Christmas, but still didn't have the heart to tell mum and dad. They were looking forward to seeing him again and anyway, I still held on to the faintest glimmer of hope that he would be there. I took a deep breath and reached for my phone. It came as absolutely no surprise to find that there were no calls or messages from Nathan. Well here was the final one from me! It would be an outpouring of feelings and emotions that were bottled up inside me, bursting to be free. Once I'd begun, my fingers flew over the keys and the words flowed faster than a gushing waterfall.

Nathan, this is my final message, I promise you! After this it's up to you, it really is. I've decided to lay my soul open wide, to let you know how much I’m hurting. As I type these words, the screen is blurred with my tears. Tears of frustration, anger and desperation. How can you just ignore me after the friendship we've built up together? I thought I meant more to you than that. You certainly do to me! Please believe me when I say that my life means nothing without you in it. I’m struggling to survive and every day you're away, my heart is torn apart a little bit more. I feel as if I’m slowing sinking in a pit of concrete and every day, I sink a little deeper. You were right about Aiden all along, he was jealous of me! I know you'll probably be shocked, or maybe even hurt, but I have to tell you that we had sex together. Twice in fact! I should have been stronger, but I've been missing you so much and believe it or not Aiden's been a huge support to me. We've helped each other and he even revealed that he's been in love with me for ages. In the end though, he realised I couldn’t love anyone but you and that it would never have worked out between us. Now he's left to live in Australia! It seems as if everyone who's even remotely special to me, simply goes away. Please don't let that be you too! As I write this, I'm so alone, unable to think of anything but you. I realise the kiss was spontaneous and probably down to alcohol, but Nathan, if there's even the smallest chance it meant more than that, please get in touch with me. I'm begging you!! I know we would be perfect together. I haven't told mum and dad anything yet, so they're still expecting you for Christmas. I realise that might not be possible, but please tell me what's happening! I'm desperate to know!

PS: I'll always love you, no matter what.

Jason xxxxxx

When I eventually finished typing, I couldn't believe how much I'd written. Could you even send a text this long! I had to let him know how I felt though and before I could change my mind, I hit the send key with a firm tap. Would he reply? He hadn't so far, but this time I was strangely confident, stubbornly refusing to believe that the Nathan I'd come to know and love would never speak to me again. I dragged myself slowly out of bed and opened the curtains. The dark grey morning matched my mood and I immediately thought about closing them again, fighting the urge to return to bed. The glimmer of hope that Nathan might reply spurred me on though and I quickly showered, dressed and brushed my teeth, ready to go to work.

The store had been manic all morning, but the final rush for Christmas was almost over. Now it was approaching late afternoon and apart from the odd remaining customer, the store was virtually deserted. It was almost dark outside, and I watched as people scurried by, anxious to get home and begin the holiday festivities. A feeling of sadness washed over me as I thought about how awesome it would have been had Nathan been spending Christmas day with us and realised with a jolt that in my mind, I'd already accepted he wasn't coming. I desperately tried to reassure myself there was still a chance he might, but it was fading faster than the light outside, and I dreaded having to tell mum and dad the news.

As it was Christmas eve, we were closing early today and in just over an hour, I would be finished. Even so, I still wanted to check my phone for the umpteenth time, in the unlikely event that Nathan had tried to ring or text since the last time I'd checked. We weren't allowed our phones in the store whilst working and I tentatively approached the supervisor.

"Julie, I'm just going to...."

"Yeah I know, you don't need to tell me......you're just going to the toilet" she interrupted with a shake of her head.

"I won't be long" I replied timidly "I promise"

She gazed at me quizzically and shook her head "I know this is a personal question Jason, but have you got some kind of problem? You've been in and out of that place all day long!"

"Erm no Julie. It's just.....I erm need…"

She waited with a mildly patient look on her face as I desperately tried to think of a reply "I mean....."

At that moment Tom was passing by and he tapped me on the shoulder "He likes to look at himself in the mirror, don't you Jason? He laughed.

"At least I'm worth looking at!" I instantly retorted.

Julie gave a sigh of resignation and taking that as a yes, I quickly followed Tom down the corridor.

"So you think I'm ugly, do you?" he laughed, poking my ribs as we entered the staff room.

Nothing could be further from the truth. He was extremely good looking and although I'd only caught the occasional fleeting glance as he changed his shirt, his body was pretty fit too. He jokingly made a show of flexing his muscles, squeezing one of them lightly

"And I thought you gay boys appreciated a male Adonis!"

I might have been upset if anyone else had made the comment, but coming from Tom, I knew it was meant in fun. I decided to wind him up in return and putting on a lustful voice, took a step towards him.

"Actually Tom, I think you've got an amazing body!”

I took a step nearer and spoke in a low voice “Look, there's no one about, why don't we erm......."

A fleeting look of panic crossed his face and I creased up with laughter.

"You wish!" he replied, with more than a hint of relief in his voice.

For a short while our harmless banter had taken my mind off the reason why I was there and I hastily opened my locker, reaching for my phone. When I saw the notification light flashing, my heart skipped a beat and I instantly knew there was a message from someone. As I pushed the buttons to discover who it was, the disappointment on my face must have been evident.

"Still no word from you know who?" Tom commented, already guessing the answer.

I shook my head glumly and shrugged my shoulders "Probably never will be now!"

He gently rubbed my shoulder "Hey, come on Jason!! Don't lose hope. I told you before, I've just got a feeling about all of this"

I had to say that Tom had never once wavered in his belief that Nathan had feelings for me too and everything would turn out all right. It was hard to believe now though, with less than a day to go before Christmas and still not a single word from him.

"So who's texting you on Christmas Eve anyway" he asked quizzically

"It might be my reply from Father Christmas" I quipped, feigning excitement "Guess what I asked for?"

"I think I might have an idea somehow!"

In reality it was from Aiden and I felt slightly guilty for my initial feeling of disappointment. He was just letting me know he was ok and ‘wished I was here too’. He also asked if I'd heard anything from Nathan. I quickly texted back.

"Great to hear from you Aiden. Still nothing from Nathan though! Really glad you’re ok. Keep in touch xx"

Tom was gazing at me quizzically and I quickly explained who it was. "Aiden. Letting me know he’s ok in Australia"

"Lucky sod!" he groaned "All that sunshine and loads of bronzed girls in bikinis just waiting for him"

I raised my eyebrows and he quickly corrected himself "Well.......bronzed boys anyway!"

"Tell me about it!" I muttered morosely "The way things are at the moment, I sometimes wish I'd gone too!"

He frowned and lifted my chin up with his finger to meet my gaze.

"Hey, don't say that Jason, I'd really miss you! These days you’re more like a brother to me than a friend"

This time his kind words produced a smile, albeit a sad one "I don't really mean it Tom, but it's a nice thing to say. It means a lot"

"And remember, even if he doesn't come back for Christmas, it doesn't mean he won't come back at all"

His words of encouragement lifted my spirits slightly and we returned to the shop. This time however, although it was against the rules, I decided to keep my phone with me, determined to respond to a call or text as soon as possible.

The next hour seemed to last forever. No more customers came in and when it was finally time, Julie handed me the keys to lock the main doors. I took them from her gratefully and stood on tiptoes to reach the sliding bolts at the top. A soft tap on the glass had me frowning in annoyance. Why on earth did someone want to come in at the very last minute when they could see I was locking the doors? The words 'We're Closed!' froze on my lips as I gazed enquiringly through the glass. The blood rushed to my head with the speed of a bullet being fired as Nathan stared back at me and I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry. His familiar smile and handsome face made my heart explode with joy and I quickly unlocked the doors.

"Excuse me young man, but we're closed!"

Julie's voice seemed to come from a long way off as I stared at Nathan, temporarily robbed of my senses.

"Jason, I'm so sorry. I ......."

His choked voice instantly broke the spell and before he could finish speaking, I rushed to embrace him, holding on so tightly I could feel his heart beating madly in time with mine. He wrapped his arms around my back and held me there, nuzzling my neck with his warm lips. At that moment all the hurt and anger of the last few days was temporarily forgotten. All that mattered now was that Nathan was finally back with me. Back where he belonged!! My heart soared to unimaginable heights as we pulled apart and gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, instinctively knowing we would never be apart again. It suddenly wasn't enough to just gaze at him. My brain demanded further physical proof that he was actually here, and I couldn't hold back my feelings any longer. Despite where we were, I grasped his head on both sides and pulled him towards me. His voice was thick with emotion as he temporarily held back.

"Jason, are you sure?"

I didn't need to answer and the moment our lips touched, fireworks exploded in my head and I knew that no one else could ever make me feel this way. I kissed him long and hard, and my heart soared as I felt him respond with equal gusto. This was the moment I'd waited so long for and no one was going to deny me the chance to be my true self any longer. There were gasps of surprise from behind me as the handful of staff on duty watched, no doubt wide eyed and open mouthed. We broke our kiss and held each other close as we turned around to face them. I could feel Nathan's warm breath curl around my ear as he whispered words that made my emotions shift into overdrive.

"Jason, I want you to be my boyfriend, please say yes!"

My voice shook slightly as I squeezed his hand and addressed them directly "Guys, I want you to meet my boyfriend Nathan"

I beamed at him and he half raised his hand nervously to greet them. "Hi"

It fell quiet as I stood nervously watching them, then Tom's voice suddenly rang out from the back, breaking the involuntary moment of silence.

"Jesus Christ Nathan, what took you so long! He's been going crazy without you!!"

My shoulders dropped as the tension eased away and I smiled gratefully at him. Nathan draped his arm over my shoulder before responding

"I know! I'm so sorry. I thought I'd left it too late"

Tom laughed and moved forwards to shake Nathan's hand "I doubt it'd ever be too late for this guy" he said, nodding towards me "He's crazy about you"

"Yeah, and I'm crazy about him too!" he replied, kissing my cheek.

I still couldn't believe I was hearing correctly, when Julie broke in with her usual business-like tone.

"It's lovely to meet you Nathan, but you'd better lock those doors now Jason. Let's all go home for Christmas!"

The goodbyes and Happy Christmas's were finally over, and we sat in Nathan's car at the back of the building. The engine was running to let the heater kick in, but we didn't go anywhere, fully aware that the air was heavy with unspoken words. After an uncomfortable silence Nathan cleared his throat and was about to speak when I couldn't help myself from rushing in.

"Nathan, why did you ignore me?"

I tried hard to keep the hurt and anger out of my voice but failed miserably. He grasped my hand and entwined our fingers together.

"I am so sorry Jason. I promise I'll never hurt you again"

"I'm glad to hear it Nathan, but you didn't answer my question. Why?"

He stared at me for several seconds before reluctantly beginning to explain. "The thing is Jason; I love you more than anything! I always have. Right from the moment we met. I know that sounds silly, but it's true. That night at the bus stop, I was desperate to kiss you there and then, but obviously I couldn't" He laughed slightly to ease the tension "You'd have thought I was some kind of crazy nut case and ran away. I couldn't risk that!

He let go of my hand before running his fingers lightly along my thigh. "You were so fit and handsome. I didn't think there was any chance that you'd be gay. I couldn't be that lucky, not in a million years. But if there was even the slightest chance, I had to know! I had to find out somehow! I racked my brains to think of a way I could meet you again. A way to break the ice and get to know you. I realised it wasn't going to be easy. I could tell you were uncomfortable just talking to me"

"Yeah, sorry about that. I get really nervous talking to random strangers. You just looked so handsome though. Way out of my league! I never thought you'd be gay in a million years"

He gently stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. "Don't be sorry Jason, it's one of the things I love about you. That shyness is so cute! And you were never out of my league"

I coloured up slightly at his compliment, saved from embarrassment as he hastily carried on.

He chuckled to himself as he recalled what happened next.

"I was hoping you'd get the same bus the following night. I had a lift home arranged but I decided to get the bus instead, on the off chance you might be on it. When I saw you walking down the hill, I couldn't believe my luck! Then I suddenly remembered, I didn't have any money for the bus and I panicked, but then I realised it was the perfect excuse to talk to you"

He smiled at me and stroked my leg, sending ripples of pleasure coursing throughout my body. I leant over to kiss him.

"Nathan, I would have given you the crown jewels if I could have, never mind the bus fare! I couldn't believe it when I saw you again!"

He continued to speak, and his voice wavered with emotion "I wanted to tell you how I felt so many times, but I daren't. I couldn't risk losing your friendship"

I knew exactly how he felt and couldn't help reassuring him. "Nathan, you would never have lost my friendship. We were far too close for that!"

It made me smile to realise that we'd both felt the same way, but neither one of us had dared to tell the other. He caught my smile and his brow furrowed in puzzlement.

"What?"

"Nathan, that's exactly how I felt too! After a while I was sure you had feelings for me. But you kept pushing me towards Aiden. That’s why I couldn’t understand it when you wouldn’t talk about what happened the night you kissed me"

I gazed at him forlornly "I thought we could talk about anything"

He interjected fiercely "We could! I mean we can! I promise, I'll always talk to you from now on. I'll never ignore you again"

His sincerity shone through as piercingly bright as a sunbeam and I knew he was being deadly serious.

"Good! Because I never want to go through all that again!"

"You won't have to, I promise! he exclaimed in a passionate voice "We're together now and nothing will ever break us apart!"

Butterflies danced around in my stomach as he held onto my hand firmly and we kissed again, the close bond we felt for each other wrapping itself tightly around us. Nathan gave a huge sigh before continuing.

"The thing was Jason, like I said, I couldn't decide if you were gay or not. There were some clues but nothing substantial. I don’t know, perhaps for a while I didn’t want to know in case I lost you”

"What do you mean?" I urged him "What clues?"

He stared at me uncertainly "Oh, I don’t know, the way you looked at me sometimes. You know, that little bit longer than normal"

I obviously hadn't been quite as discreet as I thought and couldn't help admitting it "You're right Nathan. Sometimes I just found it so hard to keep my eyes off you"

He leant across and stroked my cheek with the back of his hand "Well you don't need to now Jase, you can look as much as you want!"

His words and the close proximity of our bodies began to make me hard, and it took a huge amount of effort to concentrate as he began speaking again.

"Sometimes I found it so hard to resist you! That night I was helping you fasten your jeans, and you had an enormous erection that wouldn't disappear. It felt so good, touching you like that"

My hand wandered along his inner thigh and rested there as my fingers mirrored his words. Like me, he was as hard as a rock and I longed to tear his clothes off there and then and make passionate love to him. I realised that for the moment, it would have to wait though. We had so much more to talk about.

"Jason, I'm crazy about you! I can't imagine my life without you in it. When dad said what he did, I'd had enough. Especially when I knew that you'd heard it too. Something had to give. It's been building up inside me for ages, but I was frightened of losing you if you didn’t feel the same way. When we walked to the pub, I was desperate to tell you, but something kept holding me back. Dad has this way of getting under my skin and his words kept reverberating in my head. Don't corrupt him! Don't corrupt him! I'm sure he thinks more about you than he does me. The way he keeps going on, Jason this, Jason that! Why can’t you be more like Jason!"

My brow wrinkled in puzzlement "But why would he think more about me? You're his son!”

Nathan scoffed and shook his head "You wouldn't think so!"

A few seconds later he turned away to hide his embarrassment "And now you know why he thought I’d corrupt you”

“Nathan, why didn’t you tell me you’d been in jail? It wouldn’t have made any difference”

“I know that now Jason” he cried “I wanted to, I really did. But we were just getting to know each other, and I didn’t want you to run a mile. After all, who wants to be friends with someone who hasn’t been out of jail for long?”

Thinking about it, he was probably right. Would I really have stuck around before getting to know him, if I’d known the truth straight away?

Little did I know that he hadn’t finished with the confessions though and he sighed deeply and gazed at me in silence. I immediately knew from the expression on his face there was something else he needed to get off his chest. We both fell silent, and the air was heavy with unspoken guilt. I could hardly hear him as he began to speak and for some reason my heart began to thump wildly.

“But that’s not all Jason”

I could feel him shaking beside me and I held his hand, gently squeezing it in encouragement. His voice was hesitant as he finally began to speak.

"Jason, I did something really terrible! I let Jemma down so badly, but worst of all I let Annie down too!"

His voice faded away as the guilt returned with a vengeance and I could almost feel his pain as I urged him to continue. My heart was beating with anticipation as I wondered what he was about to tell me.

"It's ok Nathan, whatever it is. Just talk to me about it"

He turned to look at me and slowly nodded his head "I sort of knew all along that I might be gay. That's what makes it even worse! I should never have got together with Jemma in the first place, but I thought I could make it work. I just wanted to be like everyone else! The son that my father always wanted"

He turned towards me and his expression was one of abject sadness "I realise now it was doomed from the start. It was never going to work!"

He gazed at me gloomily and I nodded in agreement "Yeah I've learnt that too! In the end you have to live for yourself and not what someone else expects you to be"

"I know that now. But back then I was just a kid really. It all seemed so unfair. All I knew was that I had these feelings inside me. Feelings that wouldn't go away!"

He leant his head back against the seat and closed his eyes "I guess I tried to block them out. But in the end it didn't work. They were far too strong!"

His brow was furrowed with anxiety as he carried on "All I ever wanted were the usual things. A wife, a family, a home. Things that would make dad proud of me"

I realised at that moment that Nathan had probably spent his whole life seeking his father’s approval, and just when he finally thought he'd achieved it something had happened to make everything come tumbling down around him.

By this time he'd become quite upset and I kissed his forehead before quietly encouraging him to go on "So what happened Nathan? What did you do?"

He continued in a voice that was almost a whisper, slowly recalling the painful memories, one by one.

"Jemma's brother came to stay with us for a week. He was a salesman for a computer company and a really nice guy. I could tell from the moment I met him he was gay. Not that it was obvious by any means" he stressed "But for some reason I just knew. Call it intuition or some kind of gaydar, if that even exists, but I definitely knew. The only trouble was, who knows, perhaps for the same reason, he knew that I was too" He chuckled mirthlessly to himself "Then again, maybe it was all the stares I gave him. He was so hot! Like he'd just walked out of a magazine or some porn film"

The guilt was written all over his face as he sighed heavily and continued "For the sake of Gemma and Annie, I forced myself to ignore my true feelings. Half the time I just wanted to rip his clothes off, but I did my best to fight it. I tried hard to spend the least time I could with him and make sure we were never alone together in the house. It worked fine until the day before he was due to leave. I came home early from work and Jemma had left me a note. She'd gone shopping with mum and wouldn't be back until later. I thought the house was empty but apparently Benjamin, that's Jemma's brother, was working from home. I didn't even know he was there until I had to use the bathroom. I walked in on him just as he was stepping out of the shower. Christ, he had a body to die for!! We both looked at each other and just knew. I was desperate to fight it though and I stepped back and began to close the door, but he was there in an instant, pulling it back open. Then he said to me...."

At this point tears glistened in his eyes and he struggled to go on "He said to me, Nathan, I want you! Admit it, you want me too. I tried to turn away, but he was standing there naked and then he grasped my hand and started rubbing it up and down his cock. Jason, I swear, I don't know what came over me, but I kissed him!! Somehow I was blinded by pure lust and a desperate need to have what I'd always secretly yearned for"

I glared at him angrily "Nathan, the bastard seduced you!"

He answered in a voice full of misery and remorse "Jason, I'd love to blame him, anyone in fact, but I can't!"

"But he made it extremely hard for you to say no!"

He answered in a quiet, forceful voice and there was no denying the truth of what he said "Yeah, but he didn't force me"

He was silent for a few seconds, reliving the moment "We ended up in bed together. I'd never been with another man before, but Benjamin obviously had"

He raised his eyebrows to emphasise his meaning and I couldn't help commenting sarcastically.

"Yeah, I bet he had!"

"I think we must have fallen asleep or something because the next thing I remember was Jemma standing at the bedroom door with a look of horror on her face. Dad must have given her a lift home because the next second he looked over her shoulder. There was a stunned silence and then everything just exploded. I got out of bed to try and explain to Jemma that it was all a terrible mistake! She began screaming and crying and hitting me! Dad began shouting and swearing, calling me a faggot and a cheating bastard and how I was a useless excuse for a son"

As Nathan began to sob, I put my arm around him and held his shaking body close to me, kissing his soft blonde hair in an attempt to comfort him. I couldn't believe how his father could say something so horribly wrong to him and finally understood why there was such an enormous gulf between them. It sounded totally alien that something so awful could fall from the lips of the Mr Brown I knew, but I believed Nathan one hundred percent. He would never make up something like this.

His sobbing gradually subsided and as I kissed him, a final salty tear ran down his cheek, spilling onto our coupled lips.

"Hey Nathan, don't cry! You've got me now"

"Thank you, Jason," he whispered, his face immediately lighting up "I can't believe how lucky I am!"

"Yeah, you are pretty lucky come to think of it!" I quipped, trying to lighten his mood.

He laughed softly at my joke and as he kissed me again, I knew in my heart he wasn't the only lucky one.

"It all got pretty nasty from there on in. Jemma threw me out, told me I wouldn't be able to see Annie anymore and dad more or less disowned me! The worse thing of all was having to say goodbye to Annie though. She couldn't understand what was going on of course and all I could hear was her voice crying out, Daddy, Daddy!! I didn't even know when I would see her again"

He smiled at me sadly "I just gave her the biggest hug and left the house!"

I could almost feel his agony but couldn't begin to imagine how heart-breaking it must have been for him. It looked as if the tears were about to fall again at any time and I urged him on, desperately trying to alleviate his pain.

"So where did you go?"

He shrugged his shoulders in despair "A park bench that first night, I think. I had nowhere else to go. I couldn't even think straight! My whole life had been turned upside down in a few hours and it was all my own fault!"

"It would never have lasted anyway Nathan, you were obviously in the wrong relationship"

"JASON!! That's no excuse for the way I behaved" he reacted bitterly, as his anger flared "Please don't try to find one!!"

For a split second I was taken aback by his burst of anger, before realising too late he would never let me justify his actions. He immediately apologised.

"I'm sorry Jason, I didn't mean to be angry at you. It's me. I'm still angry with myself. How could I do that to Jemma? How could I leave her on her own with a young child?"

This time I treated his questions rhetorically, letting him continue without interruption.

"Thankfully she was really close to mum and dad. They treated her like a daughter. Gave her all the support that I didn't"

He paused and gave a huge sigh, the lasting guilt obviously still entrenched within him.

"Basically, it was true what dad said” he admitted sadly “I ran away!”

His sad face pulled at my heartstrings and I held on to his hand tightly.

“It was true what I told you before Jason. I managed to get a job in Switzerland, looking after a ski chalet, then some modelling work overseas. Things were ok until I wanted to get home to be near Annie. Then suddenly everything fell apart and I ended up in jail!”

He seemed to be completely surprised that it had happened, and I knew in that instant that something wasn’t quite right. I didn’t think that now was the right time to talk about it though, but I would definitely be bringing the subject up later on. He smiled at me and continued.

“When I met you, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me since Annie was born. You mean everything to me Jason, I realise that now. Until a short while ago, I thought I’d lost you too though"

It seemed as if we'd come around in a huge circle and were suddenly back to my original question of why he'd disappeared. Before I could ask it again, he suddenly began to explain.

"After the kiss, I was a complete mess. I thought I'd ruined everything between us and the thought of that was too much to bear! I was far too much of a coward to face you or even talk to you about it" He laughed mirthlessly and held onto my hand "It sounds crazy now, but I thought at least if you weren't in my life you couldn't tell me it was over. I even hid my phone in a drawer so I wouldn't have to hear you say the words"

My emotions suddenly overflowed, and I couldn't help interrupting "I was desperate to talk to you Nathan. To tell you everything was ok!"

"I know that now, but you have to believe me Jason, I honestly didn’t know what to do! I was going crazy. I had to talk to someone about it, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to you"

He paused and turned towards me, silently mouthing the word sorry. His expression of guilt and remorse was heart-breaking, and I couldn't have rejected his apology even if I'd wanted to.

"Look its ok Naith, as long as we're together we can get over anything. It was such a bad time I just want to forget it. Your here now, that's the most important thing!"

Although I'd just said the words the need to be physically close to him was overwhelming and we sat in silence for a moment wrapped in each other’s arms. As the warm air circulated around the car, I could have stayed like that all night, but there were still some questions I needed answers to.

"So what happened that night? And what made you come back now?"

We broke apart and he gazed at me with a shy smile. "I guess it was the argument with dad. It made me realise just how much you meant to me. I'd been longing to kiss you for ages, but I couldn't pluck up the courage. Once the alcohol kicked in it made me feel braver and I couldn't help myself” He brushed his hand softly against my cheek “I looked at you in that bus shelter Jase and you were so beautiful....."

He suddenly stopped, too embarrassed to go on and I smiled and kissed him lovingly.

"Aww Naith, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me"

He answered me gruffly in an unsuccessful attempt to hide his emotions "Well, it's true, you are!"

I laughed to myself at the way our feelings for each other always seemed to run in sync "It's funny you should say that, but that's exactly the way I felt about you the first time we met, waiting in the bus shelter"

He leant over with a smile and kissed me back, before his face turned serious again "Sorry for the way I behaved that night Jase, bundling you into a taxi like that. It wasn't right"

I punched his shoulder lightly in mock annoyance "Hey, I forgive you, but don’t frighten me like that again!"

"My head was all over the place. I'd finally done what I wanted to do, but when you pulled away I just thought I'd ruined everything"

So I had pulled away, I thought to myself. Nathan had confirmed what I couldn't remember. I was quick to reassure him "Nathan that was just the shock! I wasn't expecting it"

He smiled gratefully "Good! At the time I thought you were horrified"

"Horrified of being touched by you, you've got to be joking!"

"I began to think more and more that would be the last time I'd ever get to see you" I said quietly, as my mind returned to sober thoughts.

"If I hadn't come to my senses it would have been" he answered seriously. His voice was low as he reflected on how things might have been. "I went to London to see mum. I knew she'd listen to me and at least try to understand. For some reason I couldn't have been more wrong!" he exclaimed incredulously "She's usually so understanding but she said much the same as dad did and practically forced me to forget you. I was devastated, I couldn't believe it!"

He gazed at me in puzzlement "I really can't understand why it's such a big deal. I'm twenty-one for god’s sake. Why can't they just let me be with who I want to be!"

I could tell by the look of abject misery on his face that to be let down by the one person he thought he could rely on had hurt him really badly.

"After that I had a feeling she'd tell dad and I was right. A couple of hours later he turned up at the place where I was staying, all guns blazing! We had another huge row and he told me to be a man for once and warned me again not to tell you how I felt"

This time Nathan used air quotes to repeat his father's words. "He even threatened there would be 'serious consequences' if I did!"

"What on earth did he mean by that?" I broke in sharply

Nathan paused and swallowed deeply, clearly struggling to believe that his father could stoop so low "He told me that he'd already spoken to Jemma and if I didn't forget about you, he wouldn’t hesitate to make sure I'd never be allowed to see Annie again until she was eighteen"

The sheer audacity of the man took my breath away and I knew that I would never be able to forgive him for this latest ultimatum. I shook my head in disbelief "But he can't do that, surely?"

"He can if Jemma agrees. She hates me as it is for what I did to her. The slightest reason will be enough to persuade her and I'm sure dad will find one!"

I gazed at him in puzzlement "But wait a minute Nathan, you're here. Did he change his mind? "Did Jemma refuse to agree?"

He gazed at me with a rueful smile and shrugged his shoulders hopelessly "No to both questions" he answered sadly.

I stared at him in shock "So that means you can't see Annie again!!" I gasped, open mouthed.

He shook his head angrily "I have to live my own life Jason. I won't be told what to do! I refuse to pander to my father’s threats any longer. He's a manipulating arsehole! Everything's always got to be on his terms”

I stared at him incredulously, unable to believe he’d done it for me. He gazed back at me with a fiercely determined expression on his face.

"Jason, I couldn't live like that! It was killing me not to be with you. At first I tried, I really tried. I didn't want to screw up your life with all my problems, but then I thought, why should I let other people dictate what I do with my life. If there was even the slightest chance of happiness with you, I had to take it, whatever the consequences! You're the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with"

"But Nathan, do you realise what you've done!! I stressed "I can't believe you'd do that for me"

He pulled me close and kissed me solidly on the lips. "You're so worth it Jason, I'd do anything for you. I love you so much"

His face lit up with hope "Besides, they can't keep me away from her forever"

I gazed at him with a worried look on my face, hardly daring to raise the subject “But what about Aiden? I thought I'd ruined everything"

"Jason, Aiden's just as much my fault as he is yours. I knew he was needy and attracted to you and I pushed you towards him in desperation when I thought I couldn't have you myself. What did I expect would happen?"

"Yeah, but I love you Nathan. I should have been stronger"

"Not when I abandoned you Jason. You needed support just as much as he did!"

"I promise you Nathan......really promise you, there will never be anyone else…..ever!"

"I know Jason, I know there won't. There’ll never be anyone else for me either"

The sad smile returned as he carried on. "Dad thought he'd convinced me to stay away from you but once I'd decided to come back everything just became a blur. I jumped on the next train to get here, hoping it wasn't too late. I had to see you, face to face, to try and explain everything. I daren't look at my phone in case you didn't want to see me, but eventually I couldn't stand not knowing" His face lit up with a huge grin "When I read your texts it felt as if I'd won the lottery!"

We kissed again and I stroked his cheek lovingly

"Yeah well, I have to tell you. There was more than one winner for that prize!"

We fell silent for a moment, each reflecting on our own thoughts. After a while Nathan tentatively posed a question

"Jason, I’ve still got the keys to the flat. I was hoping you might stay with me tonight, what do you think?"

Cold shivers immediately ran up and down my spine and I instantly agreed "Yeah, I'd like that very much Nathan"

He smiled and shifting the car into gear, drove slowly out of the car park. A few minutes later I rung mum, telling her I was staying over at Nathan's and we would see her tomorrow at twelve o’clock for Christmas lunch.

I left my hand resting on Nathan's leg as we drove slowly through the city, sub consciously making sure he was nearby. I gazed at him with a slight frown, wondering if he would want to answer my next question.

"So what was it like in there Naith?"

He immediately knew what I meant and I had no need to elaborate.

"It isn't somewhere I'd choose to be, put it like that!" he answered firmly.

"So how on earth did you end up in there?" I asked, unable to keep the tone of incredulity out of my voice.

He knocked the back of his head in frustration against the padded headrest "I’m pretty sure it was all a set up!” he exclaimed bitterly “For some reason he just wanted me out of the way"

"Who did?"

He gave a deep sigh and shook his head in resignation “Who do you think?

I exploded with indignation, aghast at what he was inferring “You mean your dad!!! How!! Why!!”

"I don’t know the details, but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the guy I was working for. The one that offered me the modelling work. Mum had just let me know that Annie was in hospital seriously ill, and I was desperate to get back to England as soon as possible. When I said I had to get home for an emergency, he said it would be much better for me if I stayed where I was"

His voice had become hesitant and shaky as he recalled the conversation. My stomach tightened as I realised he must have been genuinely scared.

"You mean he threatened you!"

"Well sort of. He didn't actually threaten me as such......it was inferred more than anything. He made it clear that I shouldn’t go though”

“But you went anyway?”

“Yeah, of course I did, I had to see Annie. That’s when it all ended in disaster!”

He was silent for a moment, obviously reliving the events as they unfolded. I nudged him softly in the shoulder.

“So what happened?”

He shook his head in puzzlement before answering “It was weird. The day before I was due to leave I walked into his office and he was on the phone. At first, he didn’t realise I was there and he just carried on talking. He said to the guy on the other end of the phone, not to worry, he’d take care of it, but here’s the weird thing. It sounded a lot like dad barking out orders on the other end of the line! As soon as he saw me, he slammed the phone down and accused me of eavesdropping. He was usually quite a placid kind of guy, but that day he got really angry with me.

“The next day he came into my room whilst I was packing to leave. He wanted a word with me in his office and when I got there, he offered me money to stay. A lot of money! When I wouldn’t take it, he got really mad and warned me I’d be sorry”

“So he definitely threatened you that time then”

He just nodded and continued “The trouble began when I got to the airport. They searched my luggage straight away and found a stack of drugs hidden amongst my clothes. I got hauled off by security and they called the police. I spent a few nights in the cells until I got the bail money together. I called dad but he wouldn’t pay it!”

I snorted angrily “There’s a surprise!!”

He sighed despondently and shook his head “They wouldn’t believe the drugs weren’t mine, so I got a year inside. Luckily Annie was ok though!”

“So do you reckon the modelling guy put them there?”

“Yeah, he must have done, because I didn’t!” he exclaimed in frustration “I just wanted to get home!”

“Sounds like someone just wanted you out of the way for a while” I mused, half to myself “Maybe your dad has something to hide.......if it was him”

He recoiled in shock and stared at me wide eyed “You think so!!” he gasped

“I used to think he was ok but nothing would surprise me about him now!”

“Talking of surprises, he gave me a job at the factory in Hamborough and the flat to live in when I got released. I think mum must have persuaded him though. I can’t see it being something he'd do off his own back!”

By this time, we were approaching Cranfield and we both fell silent, looking forward to being alone together at long last.