The Best Year - 54. Chapter 54 - Epic-log Part One

“Do you really think your mother is going to let you go peacefully?” I asked as Luke helped me pack one of my two bags to my car. Despite having more space for my shit in the bed of his truck, I didn’t trust Luke to get us where we were going without having a Cindzilla sized roadblock in our path.

“I already told Dad I was going,” he sighed, glancing towards the woodline that separated both our houses. Every time I brought it up he got more and more annoyed, it would have been funny if I wasn’t expecting a disaster. “If you guys even want me going at this rate.”

“We do, and I can’t have late night beach sex alone, otherwise it’s just creepy,” I answered, turning to look at him after shoving both bags into the backseat. The humor didn’t hit him though and I knew it wouldn’t until we were putting miles between us and here.

I had a week of freedom though, and I wanted to make the most of it. A week that wasn’t technically free for me at all, but I wasn’t going to miss this. I had a week's worth of instructions from both Tony and Emily to follow to the letter. State was coming up, I was hoping it would have already been behind me, but it was later in the year than normal. I was the only one that ended up causing Tony any grief with not being able to adjust my schedule to accommodate it. The promise of focusing and allotting time to training was the only thing that swayed him and Emily into my corner.

Graduation was just approaching six days ago, we had all made it through. The bittersweet feeling didn’t hit me hard in my chest until I saw everyone in caps and gowns. I was fine and ready to get this over with until my very heavily pregnant mother hugged me at our front door as I left an hour or so before them even though there wasn’t a lot for me to do. Practicing the ceremony days prior, I found out that I would be graduating the row behind Luke. He would get his diploma a full five minutes before me, and then we’d both have to wait all the rest of the way until Welker dismissed us and we threw our caps.

Graduation night started with Welker’s ramblings, then Lily and Connor gave us vastly different speeches, and our poor choir butchered our school song. It was everything I expected our small school’s graduation to be and then it was over, almost as quickly as it started.

I yelled for all of my friends, gave Welker a big hug that cracked his back, which he laughed off after a glare in my direction as he readjusted his glasses. I tried not to think about the few short weeks I still had with these people, but ended up dwelling on it more and more when each one of them walked the stage. By the end of it I was already missing them, feeling the oncoming distance. I would never know them the same way after this, time had seemingly stalled with only small milestones until now. School had been the glue that held us together, now it all depended on those bonds we made to keep us that way. We would all be getting out, or just out of this small town enough for it to change us. I now fully understood why every old ass in town told us to slow down, not to rush it. Now that it was gone, I wanted a few weeks more.

What I didn’t expect was Toby and Heather announcing a surprise trip to Heather’s family beach house. They held on to that secret until we were all about four beers into the night and I had been annoyed that Luke was too scared to join us at the bonfire. He didn’t want a repeat of prom shadowing him so he stayed away, ate out with his family. Got presents from his grandmother, he told me he ended up having a great night. He said it with so much certainty that I believed him. Knowing Luke he did have a good enough time and knowing he did, extinguished the last flicker of hope I had of him coming with me. I hadn’t pushed him, I pretended to be happy when he heard back from the community college Toby and Derek were going to. I reminded myself they would keep him distracted, happy even, because they had been that for me all these years. He would need to be that for them too, since all three of the girls had their hearts set on different schools varying distances away from home. They were going through their own traumatic separation outbursts. Mostly in front of us whenever we were all together. Us guys only shared awkward hugs and squinty-eyed quick goodbyes before the emotions could really show, even though they probably did anyway. I knew it would get worse, it had to as we hadn’t gone anywhere yet.

Scott had a lot to deal with during my signing day. Emily cried and latched herself onto me as soon as I stepped through the doors, calling me her little brother, which surprised me enough to shed a tear too. Scott saved me just as Welker came along soon after with the local news in tow. People will be hearing about me signing with the University of Georgia to swim in a repeated blurb on the radio, until the news cycle resets. I was praying it didn’t come before or after the daily obituary readings, but I didn’t hold out much hope. The only thing that happened in this town was people dying of old age after never getting out. I also knew no one would care, most people didn’t know I was anything special. Welker’s news crew hardly looked awake through it all and barely asked me any questions. At the end of the announcement, I pulled off my warm-ups and modeled the University’s racing shorts, then I slid on a red hoodie. That earned me a couple pictures for the newspaper at least. It would be something Mom would cut out and frame, or put into a scrapbook for me later on. Dad was there, holding up his phone so that Mom could see. The twins had taken up most of the room they could and they were causing her some discomfort and minor complications. They weren’t due until a week after State, but I didn’t think they would wait that long.

With all of that officially over, I finally felt like I could start moving forward again. It had been more hectic than I thought it would be, but I had what I wanted. My plans were finally written in the calendar for me, I just had to meet them when they came.

The day or so after I signed with Georgia was also when Cindy found out about the tattoo. Luke showed up carrying his swimming trunks in his hand wearing a pair of shorts and nothing else to his name. We were planning to finally get Luke into the river, one of the final trips before we all left. He had been excited to finally be invited and the water was warm enough for us to stand being in it and she had wrecked that for him. It took him until the third bend in the river before the water got too shallow for tubing for him to settle down. I almost drove us back up to the trailhead we entered the river in, just the two of us so he could enjoy the day, but the tattoo was still too new and we were afraid we had pushed our luck with the water already. Luke slept in the guest bedroom that night and Henry retrieved him the next morning. The day after there was a basket of muffins on the front porch, the note attached was in Henry’s handwriting and they were lemon flavored and dry as dust. It was Henry’s way of apologizing, even though he had already apologized in person. I knew this trip now was more about Luke attempting to finally break his mother. Despite the rest of us getting more excited with the opportunities that would come our way, it hadn’t seemed to touch him. I knew I had my work cut out for me to get him there and out of his head, hopefully before we pulled out of the driveway headed south.

“Is that everything you’re bringing?” Luke asked after I looked over the back seat of my car. I also had my swim bag. I doubted I would really train past horsing around in the ocean. The beach house had a pool, or Heather promised us it did. I didn’t know how big it was, having never been. When we dated she had mentioned it, but we didn’t last long enough for me to get to go with her on any vacations. She barely went herself when her family went, she preferred being up here with us. Lily and Ally were the only ones that had been there. Their excitement made me hopeful that this trip was going to be worth knowing how tight of a schedule I still had when everyone else was free.

“Let me go check,” I said, glancing at the clock on my phone. Our non-Cindy window was quickly closing. She was off with Luke’s grandmother on her weekend errands. He should have been at home packing, but didn’t want to be at the house when they left. He didn’t think he could manage looking calm knowing what he was about to do to her.

Leaving him at my car I jogged up the sidewalk and bounded up the stairs onto the front porch. The front door was left open and I smiled when Mom came around the corner, I saw her belly before I saw her face. She was eating a chocolate covered ice cream on a stick and when she saw me, she smiled.

“I thought you already left for Heather’s house,” she said as she reached down and gently rubbed her hand over her belly. She had been doing that more often, but the weight she carried I could never imagine. I will never understand how she stayed calm knowing that in just a few weeks, less than that probably, she’d have two screaming babies. The thought made my pulse pick up and I slowed my pace to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. The guest bedroom had been slightly modified to make room for two cribs, but that is all either of them had managed before now. The rest of the nursery would happen after they were born, Mom not wanting to change much of the house until I left for college in July.

“I shouldn’t be going,” I countered, offering her a brief smile. I could ditch on swimming, but leaving her here bothered me. I wanted to be here, Dad was still working, but calling home more often. Cindy and her still weren’t talking, but she had other church friends dropping by more. Their presence in the house unnerved me, having not really paid enough attention to them to really get to know them. They were also Cindy’s friends too, and that made them seem like spies in my own house, even though I avoided them. That change, more than anything made it all really hit me, that I was going to be a big brother. Something I never even really thought about being, not even when I was little. I always had Derek and Toby there, now I was too old and couldn’t picture how all that would look. I would also be mostly away at college, too busy for most of the year to come in and see them. I wouldn’t know them and they wouldn’t know me. Still sure I wanted all this, leaving was harder now and a year ago I doubted I would have ever looked back.

“Honey I have the whole church checking in on me,” Mom said, waving her hand. “Your father is about to drive me insane with his hovering, I have more eyes on me than I want. I’m not going to tell you why, it’s not lady-like.”

“The gas?” I asked, wrinkling my nose. It earned me a slap on the shoulder and I laughed backing away, rubbing it just for her benefit.

“You hush with that nonsense,” she countered, shaking her head as she licked a stray bit of melted ice cream. “Try to stall for time so your Dad and I can come see you away.”

“You don’t really have to, I understand,” I said knowing Dad was leaving work when he shouldn’t really be.

“Jackson, we’re coming,” she said, cocking an eyebrow as she took a bite of her ice cream before it melted more. “One of us will have to drive your car back here anyway.”

“Alright, fine,” I said, holding up my hand. “Since you’re pregnant, you win.”

“I win anyway, dear,” she said, smiling at me. “Do you have everything?”

“I just have one more thing to get,” I said smiling as I grabbed hold of the railing, half turning to run up it to get what I had left up there.

“I went through your bags, I put a few extra pairs of underwear in there for you,” she said as I took a step up.

“Thanks for that,” I said, trying not to roll my eyes until I got further up the stairs. I knew I was on borrowed time with an impatient and unpacked Luke waiting for me.

Skipping the top stair, I bolted into my room and hit my sock drawer. Digging to the bottom of it, I found the black rectangular box. It was slick to the touch, with the jewelry store’s name in an edged silver sticker on top. Opening it, I saw the necklace. It took two trips, one to order the exact one I wanted, and then to pick it up when it was ready. Seeing that it was still in there, I closed the box and gently shoved it into the pocket of my shorts. I couldn’t risk having it in either of my bags, not yet.

Walking back down the stairs, Mom looked confused at my empty hands and I silently swore knowing I should have grabbed something. She didn’t say anything though and I was thankful for that. Every time I thought about what I had hidden away in the sock drawer and now in my pocket, my heart would race. My Christmas gift might have sucked, but I hoped this one wasn’t going to. If she had asked, I doubted I would have hid it in my voice when I told her a lie about my phone charger, or something. Which really wasn’t a lie, as I turned back around and stormed up the stairs to get that too.

Coming back down a second time, rolling up the cord in my hand, I kissed her on the cheek and ran out of the front door. Luke pushed himself off the side of the Mustang giving me a withering look and pulled out his cell to check the time. Speeding up, I met him just as he crossed my path to get to the passenger side. When he was inside, I closed the door and started the car. I quickly backed out of the driveway and met Dad just as we entered the road headed towards Cindy’s. He waved and I nodded, already searching out Luke’s driveway for any sign of Cindy’s car, but the only vehicles there were Luke’s truck and Henry’s work truck.

“Ready?” He asked as he opened the door. I already felt like I was trespassing out here in the driveway. I had never seen Luke’s house past the cracks in the front door before it was slammed in my face.

“Yeah,” I said as I shut off the car and slid out. I closed the door behind me and followed him up the steps. He opened the front door and went inside while I hesitated a few steps behind him. I didn’t want to be caught here by Cindy, this was her house. I couldn’t explain in any believable way why I would be here.

“Come on,” he said and I started moving, finally breaching the front door. Unlike my house, the stairs weren’t visible, the living room was completely boxed in, with an arched entrance into what ended up being the kitchen. The stairs were in between the two rooms, and went up to a landing, then up again. They were carpeted and muffled the sound of our footsteps. The upstairs hallway was also carpeted, white and pristine. There were just as many pictures of Jesus and flowers as there were of Luke. On white walls that brightened everything up despite no lights being on in here and no light coming from windows.

I followed Luke to his room and when he opened the door, my stomach fluttered. Stepping inside, the white and untouched feeling was completely erased by the painted blue walls. He had white sheer curtains that let in a lot of light. He flipped the switch to a ceiling fan that gently started swirling. His walls were bare aside from a pair of large pictures on either side of his bed. Both of sunsets in some sort of landscape. They were canvasse pictures that jutted out about an inch. It surprised me when I knew where the place was, they were pictures taken of the meadow.

“I took those,” he said as he grabbed his bag and unzipped it. His bedcover was a fluffy red flannel, the bed itself dominating most of the room. He had no television in here, probably a Cindy rule. More books than we had in our entire house, lined shelves on the opposite wall. None of them were dusty, some of them looked more worn and read than others. His nightstand held his bible, more worn than the rest, the front cover rolling up at the edges. It showed a thickness from the binding being weaker. I saw a gold ribbon hanging out of the bottom and when I looked up, he had followed my eyes to it.

“I got a new one for Graduation, but I’m still attached to that one,” he said as he opened his first drawer. It was his sock and underwear drawer. His talking brought me back to life, swallowing, I walked around his bed and joined him as he tossed rolled up pairs of socks into his bag while I grabbed handfuls of his underwear. All of them smelling freshly laundered and like his fabric softener. It was different from the brand Mom used, and I bit the inside of my bottom lip knowing I would have to behave myself or we’d be caught.

“That’s probably enough,” I said looking down at the pile we had in the bottom of his bag.

“Yeah,” Luke said, but then grabbed a few extra pairs of boxers and briefs, and put them on top of the pile I had. Rolling my eyes, I followed him to his closet. When he opened the door, I had to maneuver my way around it. He handed me t-shirts, and shorts and I took them off the hangers. Unlike mine, which I knew Mom went behind me and refolded, I took the time to fold his. They weren’t perfect, but I didn’t think they’d wrinkle as I tucked them inside.

After he was happy and had his two pairs of swimming trunks on top, he squeezed the zipper close enough together for me to zip it. When it was closed, he draped it over his shoulder and I followed him out of his room. I knew without a doubt I would never be seeing it again, no matter how much I wanted to linger in there so that I could imagine what he looked like growing up here.

“I already packed my toothbrush and stuff, I’ll go get it,” he said as he shouldered out of his bag and handed it to me. I didn’t expect the weight of it, so it thumped on the floor before I caught it. Grimacing, I pulled it up and over my shoulder and walked down the stairs, clutching the railing, the last thing we needed was my ass falling down the stairs.

We had pulled it off though, as I put his bag in the trunk of my car, he added his smaller traveling bag next to it. It was black leather and had an L on it, which I smirked at and he rolled his eyes.

“That bag and your boxers ages you like twenty years,” I said as I pointed at it as he went to close my trunk. I had to pull my arm back and when he smiled, I shook my head.

“Shut up and get us out of here,” he said as he opened the passenger side door and climbed inside.

After we were safely back out on the road and headed towards Heather’s house, I looked over and saw Luke fidgeting with his phone. Every other adult I knew was going to be waiting at Heather’s house to smother and embarrass their kid one last time before letting them leave. Luke would be the only one that didn’t have that, unless Henry somehow got out of Charlotte’s chores and being their chauffeur for the day. I knew Mom would gush over him just as badly as she did me, probably more so, realizing what I already knew. That Luke felt like shit for not being able to say bye to his parents.

I let him sit there, not wanting to make it worse by opening my big mouth and saying something stupid. He was watching the houses grow more numerous as we headed into what is considered the more upscale neighborhood. Heather’s parents weren't better off than anyone else, but the houses were larger here. When I was little, I wanted to live here, but now it all looked like they lived on top of one another, only chain link fences separated a few houses. Heather’s house didn’t have a fence at all, and by the looks of things we were the last ones here.

“Shit,” Luke said as we approached, spotting Cindy’s silvery car before I did. She was off to the back of the line of cars, with Henry and Luke’s grandmother, Charlotte, standing with her. I saw Dad standing between Cindy and my Mom, but at a distance that told me they had already spoken to one another, but nothing had been resolved. Seeing us, Cindy started walking, only to be pulled back by Henry, from here I saw her shoot him a glare.

“We can go on, they can text us the directions on the road,” I said as I slowed down enough to give us time to think.

“Do you want to?” He asked, glancing in my direction.

“It’s your call,” I answered, stopping in the road after I looked behind me to see that no one was waiting for us to make up our minds. Heather’s Dad had rented a van that looked more like a bus, that would comfortably seat all of us. They trusted Toby, Derek, and I to do all the driving and keep all of us safe. That way we could all talk to one another and not feel separated by being in other vehicles.

“No, let's just go with the rest of them,” Luke said as he unfastened his seatbelt and slid his cell phone into his front pocket. “I don’t want to miss out on the ride.”

“Okay,” I said as I eased off the brakes and pressed on the gas. Having him decided, I didn’t waste any time, the longer we stalled the worse it would be. We also had about an eight hour drive to the beach house.

Pulling into the driveway, Henry kept hold of Cindy, allowing us space to get out of the car. I barely had the car in park when Luke launched himself out of the passenger side. He closed the door behind him and started walking towards his parents. I could already hear Cindy, her voice carried in the best of times. Cutting the engine, I unfastened my seatbelt and rushed out behind him. I slammed the door shut and came around the front of the car, too many voices speaking at once for me to know what was being said until I could focus.

“Jackson,” Mom warned as she walked up to me. I shrugged out of her grip, ignoring her second attempt to get my attention, hoping this wasn’t all too much for her.

“Cindy, you need to calm down,” Henry said when I was finally able to focus on them, my heart pounding in my chest.

“Jackson, this has nothing to do with you, go away,” Cindy said looking past Luke seeing my approach. I didn’t stop walking until I was standing beside him, his cheeks were already flushed all the way up to his ears. His hands were balled up into fists at both sides of his body, which had gone tense as a cat about to pounce or run away.

“Mom. Mom, please,” Luke said, attempting to get her attention. He had to say it twice before she took her eyes off me to look at him. “I’m going with them on this trip, I’m eighteen, there’s nothing you can say.”

“There is plenty I can say,” Cindy countered, taking a step towards him. Henry still had his hand firmly on her shoulder, and I watched him squeeze it. He might as well not even have been there.

“Let the boy go, Cindy,” Charlotte said from the other side of Henry. She had a walking cane, and I watched her pick it up, and put it back down on the gravel driveway. It was the first time I saw her, she looked a lot like Cindy, but heavier around the middle, and a little taller. Her hair was white, and longer, pulled up into a loose bun. The same eyes looked me over though, she wasn’t looking at Luke at all and I instantly felt measured and judged.

“Momma, not now,” Cindy hissed and I turned to see her attempt to shake Henry’s hand. “I cannot believe you were just going to leave without telling us anything.”

“He did tell me, Cindy,” Henry countered, glancing in her direction. It earned him a glare that didn’t shrink him away. “I told him he could go.”

“So you both kept this from me,” she said looking between them. “This is what all this nonsense with Jackson and these people have done.”

“Cindy, you go to church with these people,” Mom said and I heard Dad shush her off to the side. I also heard a muffled thump and looked over to see Mom’s hand falling back to her side. She had tapped him in the stomach.

“And I don’t think it is appropriate for a bunch of teenagers to be driving to a beach house without parental supervision,” she said as she whirled towards Mom. “You would have agreed with me before you lost all your senses.”

“Mom!” Luke yelled, the suddenness of it made me jump. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you, look what you’re doing.”

“I am your mother, young man,” Cindy said, waving her finger at him as she finally broke free of Henry. “I have every right to know where you are and what you’re doing.”

“Please just trust me,” Luke countered, his voice falling back down to normal. “I’ve graduated from school, and I’m eighteen. Please let me go without more of a fuss.”

“I can’t believe you’re speaking to me like this,” she said and for the first time I thought she was going to cry, but her eyes showed no signs of it. Her cheeks had reddened to match Luke’s, and Henry looked like he had been out in the sun for days. If Dad wasn’t so preoccupied with Mom’s health and the wellbeing of the twins, I imagined him inching closer to them with a blood pressure cuff.

“Really guys, can we talk about this in a more respectful way?” Welker asked and I had forgotten they were all there, Rick, Carrie, Troy, Lily’s parents, and of course Heather’s since this was their house we all invaded. Looking at them it was easy to see the tension we caused. Carrie a few steps closer to Mom and Dad having left Rick and Derek’s side. Lily’s younger brother and sister were there, her younger brother tucked in behind Lily’s mother’s leg. He was only four or five.

“I can’t believe you’re letting Alison go, Steven,” Cindy quipped, not looking at him. “With these boys. I mean honestly, you can’t be that blind.”

“Cindy, that is none of your business,” Welker countered and for the first time in my whole high school life, I could have shook his hand. He looked completely put out at the realization though as he glanced at Allison, but Welker’s wife Laurel didn’t seem bothered by the thought. Ally was shooting glares at him, that kept him from backtracking on the decision. We were all eighteen, all of this was just a show, but none of us wanted to leave thinking we had upset our parents, to leave something unresolved and waiting for us when we got back home.

“I was going to tell you when we were on the road,” Luke said, bringing all the unwanted attention back to him. “I was going to call you, I would have rather been like everyone else and said goodbye in person, but…”

“Luke, enough,” Cindy said, cutting him off. “I have heard enough, we are going home and we are going to talk about this, the rest of you can do whatever you want.”

“I’m not going home, not this time,” Luke argued, and I looked away when his voice cracked. She was wearing him down, his resolve in anger had turned to the thought of hurting his mother. I wanted to reach for him and hated Cindy more for not getting to have the right to, not with her watching. I should be able to comfort him, she didn’t even know what all she stole from the both of us.

“We can go to family therapy,” Cindy said, glancing towards Henry, ignoring the crack in her son’s voice. “We need it.”

“We can,” Luke said and I looked over at him. “After I get back home.”

“Luke Easton Clarke,” Cindy hissed, taking another step towards him. It was too close for my comfort, she could reach out and grab him now. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”

“Because he’s young and wants to, dear,” Charlotte said and I smiled at the pinched lips of Cindy that turned white before she exhaled through her nose.

“This infatuation you have with partying, getting drunk,” Cindy said, recovering as she swelled back up to full height. “All of this is short-term, you’re all leaving in a few months and they will forget all about you, you don’t really know them. They are not your friends.”

“That’s not true,” I said before my brain could catch up to my mouth. “Luke is my best friend.”

“Judas,” Toby said from somewhere off to the side and I smiled at his poor attempt to distract everyone. I heard a few people laugh, probably more out of desperation than anything.

“And you, Jackson,” Cindy growled as she turned to look at me. “Your poison has infected everyone here in some way, if I had known what was to come when you stepped foot in that park…”

“That’s quite enough, Cindy,” Mom said and I heard the shuffle of feet against gravel and watched as Mom broke from Dad, with him following behind her.

“Grace, Grace,” Dad said in a hushed whisper as he grabbed hold of her shoulder. “You’re in no condition.”

“Mom,” I said, holding out my hand.

“I’m not going to stand by, Jackson,” Mom said as she came fully into my vision, still holding her belly. “Cindy, today, and you not being told of Luke’s plans is all on you, not him, and not my son. That is your doing, if you would do more listening instead of…”

“I love him, Mom,” Luke said and I watched Mom’s hand fly from her belly to her mouth before I turned to him, feeling his words hit me like a jolt of electricity. “I love him, so you’re wrong. Jackson accepts everything about me, I’ve lived more these past couple of months than I have my whole life.”

“Luke,” Cindy said as she opened and closed her mouth. “You don’t know what you’re saying, you haven’t even had time to know him.”

“I know enough,” Luke said, blinking and even I didn’t expect this reaction from her.

“Cindy,” Henry whispered, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head, “let’s get our goodbyes in so they can leave.”

“This is ridiculous,” Cindy said as she crossed her arms, almost laughing.

“Do you understand what I said?” Luke asked as he glanced in my direction.

“You love Jackson, I heard you,” Cindy said as she uncrossed one arm to wave her finger at me. “If it takes him leaving for Georgia and not coming back for you to see him for what he is, then so be it. He’s just your excuse for all this.”

“He’s not,” Luke said, shaking his head as he turned to me, a brief smile running its course on his lips. “You’re not getting it.”

“Luke,” Mom whispered and I glanced over to see tears falling down her face as she attempted to get his attention.

“He’s just a wild, immature boy, I can see you drawn to that kind of friendship,” Cindy responded and I looked over at her wondering what it would take for her to see past me and to what Luke was trying to tell her. She was glaring at Luke and I could still see him looking at me in the periphery. Everyone had caught on, caught up, but her. I had heard the gasps and the whispers. I heard the whimper from soft hearted Carrie Tate who probably wanted to smother us in motherly hugs, because that’s what she was famous for. So much so that Toby had acted like a pervert about it until Derek nearly choked him out in their front yard while I sat back and laughed.

“Mom, I love him,” he repeated and this time I felt him grab my hand and he lifted it up so she could see our entwined fingers. I let him and I watched as he moved them up to his lips. I felt him kiss the back of my hand and watched her eyes go from confused to shocked in blinks.

“Let go of his hand,” Cindy hissed as she glanced around before turning back to Luke. “Let go of it now.”

“No,” Luke hissed, staring only at her, wide eyed. I could feel the tension of his fingers as he brought both our hands back down to rest at his side. This was the secret that we had fought all year to keep. A secret I hoped to take with me to Georgia, with me gone I saw Cindy calming down and going back to normal. She would have her son back mostly with me gone, distracted by classes. I wouldn’t have to worry, we could tell her later after we had both feet on the ground and a future.

“Luke, this isn’t you, what are you saying?” Cindy asked as Henry stepped up to stand fully beside Cindy and I felt backed into a corner. I didn’t know if Henry had caught on, or if Luke had secretly told him. Either way I didn’t know if we still had him in our corner or not, he was more concerned about what Cindy was going to say, half turned towards her.

“Luke,” Charlotte said as I heard the cane clink off the gravel as Charlotte also made her way towards us. “Tell her straight out now.”

“Be quiet,” Cindy hissed glaring around Henry to look at her.

“You’ve never known me Mom,” Luke said, his voice falling to a whisper as his fingers loosened their grip on mine, but I kept hold of his hand. “I have always been too scared to tell you and that’s kept you from knowing me, I’m sorry. You both didn’t get to see me like you should have.”

“No, Luke,” Henry said and I saw tears form and fall down his cheeks as his red hair flew away in the breeze of the day. “We’re sorry for not allowing you to feel comfortable enough to tell us, that is all on us, not you.”

“I’ve been so scared,” Luke said and I felt something wet hit my arm. I looked over to see him crying so I let go of his hand and slid my arm around his back. I balled up the back of his shirt up in my fist and stepped closer to him so that our sides touched. “I never wanted to keep things from you.”

“No,” Cindy said, her eyes refocusing on us. “No, I won’t allow you to be further involved in whatever this is.”

“Cindy, enough,” Henry said and I watched him turn and grab hold of Cindy with both his hands. He attempted to turn her towards him, to get her attention. “Luke is telling us something he’s needed to tell us for a while now and you need to listen.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Cindy erupted, throwing her hands into the air, breaking from Henry’s grasp.

“Cindy, you’re risking him leaving and never coming back to us,” Henry said as he grabbed hold of her again. She pulled herself out of his grasp, stepping away from him completely.

“He’s already too far gone, Henry,” she said as she turned to look at us. “Look around.”

“Mom,” Luke said and I watched as he reached out for her.

“Luke,” she whispered and I saw the tears in her eyes for the first time since she caught on to what Luke had been trying to tell her. “I don’t think you know what you’ve just done.”

“I didn’t know that I could have this,” Luke said as he reached up and touched my chest with the back of his hand, a brief touch that landed squarely on my racing heart. “I didn’t know if I should hate myself, I would get so worked up it was hard for me to breathe. I’ve always known though, I’ve always known this was something that you just couldn’t break away from.”

“I know, honey,” Cindy said, nodding her head as more tears raced down her cheeks. “I know this is something that just doesn’t go away, but that is your burden to bear.”

“Cindy,” Henry hissed as she stepped closer to us, but Luke stepped backwards and shook his head.

“You haven’t done anything that can’t be undone,” Cindy continued as I followed him backwards wanting to grab his hand and keep running.

“Enough,” Henry said as he grabbed hold of Cindy’s shoulder, this time with enough force to rock her slightly off balance. “We’re leaving while we still have a son that loves us.”

“Luke, if you leave, you’re no longer welcome in my home, not like this,” Cindy said, her voice numb and distant and I felt Luke’s hand on my elbow. “It has nothing to do with you, but all this, the past few months. You can’t come home like this.”

“I’ll always love you, Mom,” Luke said and I heard his ragged and quick breaths as his fingers traced their way down to my hand. When he grabbed hold he started leading us towards the van.

“Don’t go,” Cindy sobbed as Henry held firmly onto her. She was squirming, half collapsed into Henry’s arms trying to get free of him as she looked at Luke, her hair falling into her face.

“Go,” Henry said and I watched Cindy turn on him. “And Luke, I love you, I’ll never stop. I hope you never doubt me again.”

Luke let go of my hand and I watched him take off, running to Henry. I saw him crash into his father with enough force that Henry took two or so steps backwards. Henry had to let Cindy go to steady the both of them. Charlotte rubbed his back under Henry’s hands and she was saying something to him that I couldn’t hear. I felt myself following him until Mom’s hand shot out of nowhere and grabbed my shoulder and I felt the force of her hug stop me. I felt her break the hug just as quickly, her belly too big to really hug anyway, as she reached up and grabbed my face with both her hands. Forcing my attention away from Luke and Henry’s embrace.

“Jackson,” Mom said as she came into focus as I blinked away tears. People were moving all around us, and I heard the doors slide open on the van. “Calm down, please, you need to calm down, honey.”

It was then that I realized that I had been breathing fast shallow breaths, that I was losing it and didn’t even know it was happening. Hearing her voice and feeling Dad’s hand fall gently on my shoulder, I felt air finally filling my lungs as sweat broke out all across my body.

“Mom,” I said as I finally was able to focus on just her as she held my face in her hands. I felt her thumbs rubbing across my skin, wiping away tears.

“Easy there,” Dad said after I wrapped her into another hug forgetting that she needed a gentler touch. Not wanting to hurt her, I turned and half crashed into Dad and felt his arms wrap around my back, putting all he had into the hug. I knocked his glasses off his face and Mom reached up and I felt her pull them off where they fell between our shoulders.

I didn’t know how long I stood there, only breaking the hug when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Lily standing apologetically behind me and I glanced past her to see Henry helping Cindy into the car. She was crying and looking past him towards Luke, who stood off to the side. Cindy was calling his name, pleading with him not to go. When the door closed Luke stepped backwards and turned, but I still couldn’t convince my legs to move.

“Luke,” Mom said as she walked past me and wrapped him into a hug and he knew better to stay gentle with her. I heard her tell him that she loved him, and I saw him nod his head and just like me, she reached up and wiped away the fresh tears that fell down his face.

“Take care of him, son,” Dad said as he grabbed his glasses from his pants pocket Mom slid them into. “He’s going to need you.”

“I don’t know how,” I said, turning to him, shaking my head.

“Yes you do, haven’t you been listening?” He said adjusting his glasses as he smiled briefly.

“Ready?” Luke asked and Dad nodded his head towards the van with another smile as I tried to slow my mind down enough to move.

“Yeah,” I answered, reaching my hand out, needing him to grab hold and when he did I let out a sigh. We stopped briefly for Mom to kiss me on the cheek and I absently promised her that I would text or call when we got there.

“We already got your things,” Toby said as he waited by the van. “The coveted back seat is yours if you want it.”

“Thanks,” I offered as we turned and started walking towards the van.

“We love you guys,” I heard Carrie yell as Luke was about to step inside the open door. I watched him hesitate and smile before he climbed in and I looked over my shoulder. I saw all of our parents standing in a line, Carrie was being held by Rick. Mom and Dad were talking to one another, but both of them were looking at us. Troy was red faced, his beard long, so I knew he was about to shave soon. Heather’s Dad was at the Van giving last minute instructions to Derek who was taking on the first leg of our road trip.

“Let’s get on the road,” Toby said playfully smacking me on the ass. Glaring at him, I climbed into the van and found my seat beside Luke. The three girls were in the middle row, none of them talking and only Heather turned to glance at us. Toby slid the van door closed and I watched him as Luke slid his hand over to my lap. I felt him pull my hand towards him, so that he could hold on to it. I turned to look at him, forcing a smile until he smiled despite me knowing that his smile was him building a wall that I would have to break down later when we were alone.

When Toby was buckled in Derek backed out of the driveway as our parents broke from the line. They didn’t start retrieving all of our vehicles, instead Heather’s Mom was waving her hands, beckoning them to follow her into the house. I knew they would be discussing us and Cindy and I hoped we would be returning home with them rallying around us.

“Fucking listen,” Toby said as he turned around in his seat now that we were finally on the road. Getting tangled in his seatbelt, he unfastened it and got up onto his knees. “We never break, no matter what we’re all in this for life.”

“Sit your lame ass down,” Derek said as he reached over and yanked on Toby’s shorts.

“Shut up, I’m being inspirational,” He countered, slapping Derek’s hand away. “Keep it between the lines, and listen.”

“You’re a dumbass,” Derek groaned and I saw him look through the rearview. “If you’re our inspirational leader we’re fucked.”

“I’m sorry,” Luke offered and I squeezed my hand and shook my head.

“Don’t be,” I whispered as the girls turned around in their seats as the fasten seatbelt alert dinged.

“Church, shut that shit up,” Toby said, waving his hand. “All of you be quiet so I can get this done.”

“We won’t push you to talk about this,” Lily said as she reached across the back seat offering her hand. I reached up and took it and she smiled. “But if you want to, we’re all ready to listen.”

“Church, you get to pick the first place we stop to eat and piss,” Toby offered and I looked at Luke just in time to see him smile and shake his head.

“No he doesn’t, I already picked,” Heather countered, winking at Luke as she turned towards Toby.

“Sorry, Church, you can have second pick, man,” Toby said as Derek reached over and yanked on Toby’s shirt hard enough to pull him off his knees and he disappeared from view.

“All of you sit your asses down before you get me a ticket before we get out of town,” Derek ordered as the van swerved, but I couldn’t see past the wall of boobs to see what was happening as they all rose up higher to turn back around. “This van cost too damn much to wreck.”

“What’s the first road game?” Ally asked as she reached back behind her and found her seatbelt.

“I want to try to get some phone numbers or whatever from strangers on the interstate,” Heather said as she leaned forward. “The one that gets the most, wins.”

“No deal, you’ll show boobs,” Lily said and I turned and saw Luke listening to them. When he saw me he leaned closer and knocked his shoulder against mine.

“And I don’t feel like getting serial killed when we get to the beach house,” Ally added and despite the hundreds of questions racing through my mind only to die on my lips, I laughed.

“She did finally tell me she loved me,” Luke whispered leaning closer to me. “Not the way I wanted her to, but she said the words.”

“I’m sorry, I started freaking out,” I said, sliding further down into my seat, pulling the seatbelt off my shoulder and sliding it behind my back. “I should have been there.”

“I still don’t know if I have a home to come back to,” Luke said half smirking that didn’t touch his eyes.

“You know you do, with me,” I said, pulling my arm out from between us and pulling him into me. The air conditioning in the van had just enough bite to it to ease some of the panic I still felt jolting through my body. I had never had a panic attack, I didn’t know what they felt like, or if I even had one. I didn’t want to ever feel it again, but I knew Luke had to feel worse.

“Dad knew, by the way,” Luke said, offering me a smile that felt real. “He said he knew the night you stormed over to our house barefoot in the middle of winter and demanded to see me.”

“He said all that in a hug?” I asked looking down when I felt Luke’s hand on my thigh.

“It was a long hug,” he said smiling again, “and Dad wanted to get a lot off his chest. After that, Mom begged me not to go with you, specifically, and that she loved me. I don’t know if she…”

“She does, Luke,” I said when his voice failed and I felt him shudder against me. “Have faith in Henry to remind her, but she does love you, even I will admit that.”

“I hope you’re right,” he whispered as he turned his head away from me and rested it on my shoulder. It took a few seconds before his silent tears soaked through my shirt to my skin. I left him alone after shifting myself around so that he could lean even further against me as I looked up and stared at the velvety inner roof of the van, hoping like hell I was right. If I wasn’t I doubted Luke would ever really come back from all this and all my plans for the week would be for nothing.