-- Chapter 22 --

On the surface, life was beginning to look like it was settling down for Levi. His driving lessons were continuing. His relationship with Brooke was deepening, as was his friendship with Jimmy and Dan. Underneath, however, he was stepping onto a dangerous new path . . . only he didn’t know yet just how dangerous it might be.

It didn’t begin at once. A few comments in passing between Levi and Casey when the chance arose, soon became conversations after school – but only when his other friends weren’t around. Afternoons spent on the beach lengthened, and while his friends had to be home by certain times – after all they were still only fifteen and some parents still insisted on when their kids had to be home – Levi had been given a little latitude by Matt and Luke, on the proviso that he didn’t abuse the privilege.

One afternoon a few weeks later, and once Levi’s friends had left him, Casey joined him on the beach once more, dropping down on the sand beside him.

‘Thought I’d best wait until your friends pissed off,’ the blond bad boy said.

‘Very considerate of you,’ Levi replied. Casey just grinned back at him.

‘So, you don’t have a curfew then?’ Casey eventually asked.

Levi shrugged. ‘Sort of,’ he answered. ‘Dad’s just a bit more open-minded about it than some other parents, I guess.’

‘Well, that’s a good thing then.’

‘Is it?’

‘Shit yeah! Freedom rules, don’t you know.’

The trouble was, Levi did know. This was the first time in his life that he’d had any kind of freedom at all, but he knew that he still needed to be careful.

‘So, do you have a phone?’ Casey enquired. ‘Would be good if I had your number . . . you know, so I can text you and stuff . . . on the down low, of course . . .’

‘Yeah . . . I guess.’

Casey pulled out his phone. ‘Give me your number, and I’ll add you to my contacts.’

Levi thought about trying to stall, but he knew that if he wanted to connect in any way with Casey, then this would be the simplest way. In the end he gave him the number, and Casey punched it straight into his own phone, then pressed a few more buttons. Moments later, Levi’s phone pinged and when he checked the screen, he saw that he’d received a text message, which he then opened.

< Now you have me! >

He looked up at Casey and noticed him grinning, then he looked around nervously, hoping that nobody he knew would see them together.

‘Now add me to your contacts . . . or if you don’t want to do that, that’s fine too. We can still text back and forth, provided you don’t lose the number by deleting all our messages.’

‘Okay,’ Levi replied.

‘I know you’re new to all this stuff. Just do what you feel comfortable with. No pressure, remember?’

‘Right. No pressure.’

And so it began – secret messages, secret meetings at the northern end of the beach, quick conversations after school, texts exchanged at almost any hour. Levi kept it all a secret. Evenings where he told Matt and Luke that he was with Brooke, or just out with friends, all the while hoping that things wouldn’t unravel.

No pressure. That was what Casey had said. So why did he feel like that wasn’t the case?

***

If his friends suspected anything, nothing was ever said, but Levi knew he still needed to be careful if he didn’t want them to know about the times he spent with Casey. All that he and Casey ever did was shoot the breeze, all totally innocent on the surface, but both boys knew there was something deeper to their burgeoning friendship, even if Levi didn’t know exactly what that something was. Or what exactly was on Casey’s mind.

With the coming of spring, the weather was warming, and the weeks that followed were some of the best Levi had known since arriving in Thompsonville. He, Brooke, Jimmy, and Dan had become almost inseparable – walking to and from school together, eating lunch on the grass near the oval, and spending long afternoons at the beach after classes.

His relationship with Brooke was deepening in quiet, exciting ways. She was easy to talk to, quick to laugh, and seemed to genuinely like him. Their kisses, which had started soft and tentative, had slowly become more confident. One warm Friday evening, after the others had left them, they lay on a blanket in the dunes near The Creek. They had planned this, with both kids telling their parents there was a party on that they were attending.

The sun had almost set, leaving a deep orange glow on the horizon behind them, when Brooke shifted closer, resting her hand on his chest as they kissed.

This time the kiss lingered. Deepened. Levi’s heart hammered as he let his hand slide slowly down her side, eventually resting on his girlfriend’s hip, before Brooke then picked it up again and placed his palm gently upon her breast, on the outside of her thin top. Brooke made a soft sound against his mouth – encouragement rather than protest. Her fingers trailed down his flat stomach, hesitating only a moment before slipping beneath the waistband of his shorts.

Levi gasped quietly when her hand found him, already hard. The sensation was overwhelming. New. Intense. Nobody had ever touched him there. They moved together clumsily but eagerly, hands exploring, breath mingling. It didn’t take long. A few minutes of urgent, whispered touches and Levi shuddered, spilling over her fingers with a quiet groan.

Afterwards they lay tangled together, breathing hard. Brooke smiled softly and kissed his cheek, but Levi felt a wave of guilt crash over him almost immediately. This was what his mother and grandfather had warned him about. Sin. Temptation. He knew it wasn’t exactly the same as what he felt around Casey, but the shame still twisted in his gut.

‘You okay?’ Brooke asked, brushing hair from his forehead.

‘Yeah,’ he lied, forcing a small smile. ‘It’s just . . . a lot to . . . well . . .’

‘Shhhh . . .’ she whispered, before placing a finger over his lips to quiet him.

She accepted his reaction, while cuddling closer as the stars came out overhead. Levi held her, but part of his mind was already spinning.

***

They sat on the rocks beneath Lighthouse Point, skipping stones across the shallows. Levi, still carrying the strange mix of excitement and guilt from the night with Brooke, eventually told Casey what had happened. For some reason he felt Casey would understand.

His friend listened, then let out a low whistle and laughed – not cruelly, but with genuine amusement.

‘My boy is growing up!’ he teased, nudging Levi’s shoulder. ‘Finally got your hands on some titties, eh? And she even touched your dick? Nice one.’

Levi’s face burned. ‘Shut up.’

‘You get a blow job yet? Just wait till that happens, then you’ll know what it feels like to go to heaven!’

‘What the . . .’

‘Just relax. It’s all good, mate,’ Casey said, still grinning. ‘I’m not taking the Mickey or anything. Just means you’re normal, so don’t overthink it. You’re allowed to have a bit of fun. Those scriptures you learned never told you just how much fun sinning could be, did they?’

The words should have made Levi feel better. Instead, they only added to the confusion swirling inside him. With Brooke everything felt sweet and warm and . . . right. With Casey, it felt dangerous. Electric. Forbidden.

Even so, he kept seeing both of them.

The group of four continued spending time together – surfing, hanging out at the milk bar or sitting on the beach after school, laughing over stupid jokes. Jimmy and Dan had started calling Levi and Brooke the lovebirds, which always made Brooke blush and Levi roll his eyes. Matt and Luke noticed his happier mood and the extra time he was spending with friends. They were pleased, assuming that it was mostly Brooke keeping him grounded.

Driving lessons with Matt continued too. Levi was becoming more confident behind the wheel – navigating town traffic, doing longer runs out on the open road toward Macquarie Harbour, on both the main highway, and the narrower, winding coastal road.

‘You’re doing really well,’ his father would tell him often, pride clear in his voice as Levi executed a smooth reverse park or three-point turn. ‘So proud of you, mate.’

Levi smiled, but the compliment sat uneasily alongside the secrets he was keeping.

***

Levi met Casey again a week later. Another clandestine meeting below the lighthouse, this time on a sheltered, level spot they had found, about halfway up the headland, where they could look down upon the beach and back towards the town.

After what happened the previous week with Brooke, Levi had been wracked with guilt. His feelings for her ran deep, and they had spent every afternoon this week together, but he hadn’t wanted things to go that far with her the previous week . . . or with anyone, for that matter. The weight of his religion was still sitting heavily upon him, and he was still trying to reconcile, in his own mind, his actions versus his beliefs.

Maybe, like Casey had said, he was just normal . . . that his physical reaction was normal, after all, every time he had thought about what had happened, as he lay awake in bed at night, the same reaction returned. He tried not to touch himself. He tried to remember what his grandfather would say. He was feeling as if he was growing more and more distant from that past life, and now that longing for release, the physical ache he was feeling, could not be denied, despite the threat of damnation.

Every time he had these feelings, he knew he would fail this latest test . . . and when he would wrap his fingers around his hardness it never took long for those feelings to be proven correct.

And then, in the aftermath, the guilt would close in again . . . and again . . . and again.

On this afternoon a week later, when he and Casey settled down beside each other and watched the scene below, he was no closer to being able to be at peace, and he knew that Casey wouldn’t be able to help him. In fact, he fully expected that Casey would muddy the waters even more.

‘So, how did you and the little woman go this week?’ Casey began, once they had settled down and made themselves comfortable. ‘Get any more action?’

‘Let’s not go there,’ Levi replied.

‘Oh, touchy subject then?’

‘It’s . . . it’s just confusing.’

‘Ahhh . . . welcome to the real world,’ Casey responded.

‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Oh, just that when a guy gets to that age where he is experiencing feelings like you’re feeling, and maybe acting on those feelings, it can take a while to, you know, come to terms with what’s happening. You get my drift?’

‘Hmmm . . . yeah, maybe.’

‘It’s probably more complicated for you than for anyone else though, I reckon.’

‘What do you mean by that?’

‘Well, the whole religion thing telling you that what you are feeling, what is only natural, is a sin . . . that certainly doesn’t help. And then there’s your home situation . . .’

‘What about it?’

‘A horny teenage boy living in a house with four fags? All that testosterone, you know? Must feel weird. Add it to everything else you’re dealing with, and it’s little wonder it’s all fucking with your head.’

Levi tensed. ‘Dad and Luke have been good to me. And so have the others.’

‘I’m sure they are,’ Casey said quickly, holding up his hands. ‘Matt seems alright. But living with all that . . . it can’t be easy, right? Two full-on gay couples under one roof . . . what’s that like really? Reckon it must really screw your mind sometimes . . . knowing what’s going on in the house, even if you don’t see anything.’

Levi glanced sideways at Casey. The older boy looked sincere, his blue eyes steady. It was hard to reconcile this thoughtful version of Casey with the warnings he’d heard.

‘I don’t know . . .’ Levi muttered, as he lay back on the ground and put his arms behind his head.

‘The good news is that you don’t have to put up with that forever if it’s not what you want. You’re allowed to have your own life, you know? Separate from all that.’

‘Maybe one day,’ Levi said, though truthfully, he didn’t know when that might be, or how it might happen. Maybe if the house back home eventually got sold, that might help. The agents kept telling them that people were interested, but nothing had come of it so far.

Casey lay back on the ground and put his hands behind his head as well. Their elbows touched a couple of times and Levi felt a jolt of electricity surge through him each time it happened.

‘You don’t have to figure everything out on your own, Levi,’ Casey continued, softer now. ‘If there’s anything you want to ask, especially stuff that you don’t think you can ask anyone else, you only have to ask me, okay?’

Levi rolled his head sideways and found himself staring into those icy-blue eyes, which caused his heart to skip a beat.

Casey half sat up and propped himself up on one elbow, then tentatively reached out and placed a hand on Levi’s stomach.

Levi’s breath hitched at the touch, even as gentle as it was, and his heart raced.

‘You’re allowed to have your own life, Levi,’ Casey said, then he stood up and brushed himself off. ‘Don’t feel guilty about whatever it is that you’re feeling. Just run with it, and then work out how you feel about it later.’

He then picked up his board and started towards the head of the path, back towards the water, before stopping and looking back at Levi.

‘You want to talk, just message me. Anytime,’ Casey said, then he left Levi sitting on the ridge with his thoughts in chaos.

The words echoed in his head long after Casey had left. He couldn’t stop thinking about Casey – the way he touched him, the way he looked, the way he spoke, the strange pull he felt.

Part of him was repulsed.

Another part – a part he desperately tried to ignore – was fascinated.

And that terrified him and confused him more than anything.

***

The following weekend brought a new milestone. On Saturday, Brooke came to Avalon for lunch.

Matt and Luke made a noticeable fuss – perhaps a little too obvious in their enthusiasm that Levi had a special friend. Luke prepared a big spread of sandwiches, salad, and homemade lemonade, while Matt kept the conversation light and welcoming. They asked Brooke about school, her family, and what she thought of Thompsonville, and she handled it gracefully, smiling and chatting easily. Levi felt both embarrassed and secretly pleased by how happy his dads seemed.

After lunch, Levi and Brooke slipped away for a walk along Hidden Beach. The tide was low, and the late afternoon sun painted the sand in warm gold. They walked hand-in-hand for a while before sitting on a driftwood log.

Levi took a deep breath. ‘About the other night . . . on the blanket,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m just not ready to go any further yet. The guilt afterwards . . . you know . . . it kind of messed with my head. I’m sorry if that makes things weird, or if you are expecting more . . .’

Brooke squeezed his hand. ‘It’s okay, Levi. Really. We don’t have to rush anything. I like being with you . . . just like this.’

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, then turned toward each other. The kiss started soft and stayed that way – gentle, lingering, full of affection rather than urgency. When they finally pulled apart, Levi felt a quiet warmth settle in his chest.

On Sunday morning, Levi decided to attend mass, sitting near the back, listening carefully. Afterwards he approached Father Costas.

‘Father . . . if you have time, could we, I mean, if you don’t mind, could we talk for a bit? In private?’

The priest smiled kindly. ‘Of course, Levi. You are always welcome here. Why don’t you come through to the office.’

Once they were seated, Levi hesitated, cheeks burning with embarrassment. But Father Costas simply waited, patient and calm.

‘I . . . I need to talk about some things that happened,’ Levi began. He spoke haltingly at first, then the words poured out – the night with Brooke, how far they had gone, the intense guilt afterward, his nighttime masturbation, and the confusing pull he felt toward another guy – who he was careful not to name. He admitted to feeling torn, somewhere between what he had been taught and what he was experiencing, and wasn’t sure where to turn.

Father Costas listened without judgment, nodding occasionally. When Levi finally fell quiet, the priest leaned forward, and placed a gentle hand on Levi’s knee.

‘You have nothing to be ashamed of, Levi,’ he said gently. ‘These feelings, these experiences – they are all part of growing up. God understands the heart of a young man. He sends these tests not to punish you, but to help you grow, to learn, and to find your own path in life. It is okay to sin and ask for forgiveness later. That is part of life. Just remember what I said last time . . . follow your heart. Don’t carry unnecessary guilt. What is in your heart will ultimately set you on the right path, even if there are some missteps along the way.’

Levi nodded.

‘Thank you, Father. I feel foolish having to ask.’

‘Don’t let it worry you, my son. We all need guidance from time to time . . . even foolish old priests like me . . . it would be foolish not to ask someone when we are unsure of a path that we know we must take.’

Levi left the church feeling noticeably calmer. The heavy weight he had been carrying had lightened. Maybe it wasn’t about getting everything right the first time. Maybe it really was okay to stumble, to explore, and to find your own way.

***

Life continued its gentle rhythm for the next few days, filled with all the usual events; school, driving lessons, time with friends. Their little group felt solid and fun.

On Wednesday, Matt mentioned that he and Luke needed to attend a work function in Macquarie Harbour on Friday night and would be home quite late, and asked Levi if he would be able to fend for himself that night?

‘Sure. I should be able to think of something to do,’ Levi replied.

Then, on Thursday night, as Levi lay in bed, his phone buzzed. It was a message from Casey.

<You free tomorrow night? Got something fun in mind>

Levi stared at the screen for a long time, thumb hovering over the message, as he contemplated swiping sideways to delete it. He knew that’s what he should do. He knew he should listen to every warning he had received. But the pull – that strange, exciting, magnetic curiosity -- was getting stronger.

He typed back:

<Just leave it with me>

Then he hit send, while at the same time wondering just where this might lead.

To be continued . . .