poetry Poetry Prompt 1 - !TANKA!

[Parker Owens]

Have responded (finally) to this prompt.  Find my humble submission at:  https://www.gayauthors.org/story/parker-owens/occasionalpoetry/8,  entitled (oddly enough) Tanka #1.

[AC Benus]

Have responded (finally) to this prompt.  Find my humble submission at:  https://www.gayauthors.org/story/parker-owens/occasionalpoetry/8,  entitled (oddly enough) Tanka #1.

Thanks for taking the poetry prompt challenge, Parker! I hope to see more Tanka from you in the future  

[Emi GS]

Guys I again made corrections to my Tanka, this time it fits... I hope you guys gonna like it...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/the-eminent-mgk/m_p_mgk/3

[AC Benus]

Guys I again made corrections to my Tanka, this time it fits... I hope you guys gonna like it...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/the-eminent-mgk/m_p_mgk/3

Thanks for adding a Tanka, Emi! It's a lovely poem

[Emi GS]

Thanks for adding a Tanka, Emi! It's a lovely poem

Thank You Ben...

[Emi GS]

Ok guys, as you can see above submission is mine. So I'll be saying it as another Tanka. Sincerely tried this time to write it perfectly...

 

Here is the link...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/the-eminent-mgk/emispoetryprompts

[AC Benus]

Ok guys, as you can see above submission is mine. So I'll be saying it as another Tanka. Sincerely tried this time to write it perfectly...

 

Here is the link...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/the-eminent-mgk/emispoetryprompts

Thanks for taking the Poetry Prompt challenge, Emi. I left you a review on the posting

[Emi GS]

Thanks for taking the Poetry Prompt challenge, Emi. I left you a review on the posting

That's so nice of you Ben. Thank you for help and suggestion. And thank you for the review...

[Headstall]

I've gone back to this form to get some stuff out...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/headstall/headstallsreflections/30

[AC Benus]

I've gone back to this form to get some stuff out...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/headstall/headstallsreflections/30

The rain one is very nice and faithful to the Tanka form. I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch, but poetry has always helped me. I guess that's why I've been doing it so long. Thanks for posting, Gary.  

[WolfM]

I was talking to tim tonight about poetry and he pointed me here.  For a first attempt at anything like this and expanding beyond story writing I'm just going to post my attempt here instead of under my author heading.  That is unless I caught the general structure of a Tanka.  I have no issue with being told to stick to story writing

 

Sunlight beating down on water

Coolness of the breeze on skin

Warmth of the sand on feet

Running along the crowded beach

I enter a world all my own

[AC Benus]

On 5/19/2017 at 9:22 PM, WolfM said:

I was talking to tim tonight about poetry and he pointed me here.  For a first attempt at anything like this and expanding beyond story writing I'm just going to post my attempt here instead of under my author heading.  That is unless I caught the general structure of a Tanka.  I have no issue with being told to stick to story writing

 

Sunlight beating down on water

Coolness of the breeze on skin

Warmth of the sand on feet

Running along the crowded beach

I enter a world all my own

The images are all very strong, so no problem with this being a good poem.

Two areas to focus on to make this a Tanka are first the line lengths. I count 8-7-6-8-8 for the syllable length of each of your lines. Tanka are 5-7-5-7-7, so there's that adjustment to consider. The second area to think about is how the five lines of a Tanka work to form a smooth whole. Right now I'd say your poem is made up of three complete sentences at the start, and two lines at the end which form a concluding sentence.   

Edited April 17, 2023 by AC Benus

[AC Benus]

Here are some more examples of Tanka

https://www.gayauthors.org/blogs/entry/15202-some-classic-tanka/

Edited April 17, 2023 by AC Benus

[WolfM]

11 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

The images are all very strong, so no problem with this being a good poem.

 

Two areas to focus on to make this a Tanka are first the line lengths. I count 8-7-6-8-8 for the syllable length of each of your lines. Tanka are 5-7-5-7-7, so there's that adjustment to consider. The second area to think about is how the five lines of a Tanka work to form a smooth whole. Right now I'd say your poem is made up of three complete sentences at the start, and two lines at the end which form a concluding sentence.   

Thanks for the input.  I'll see if I can work on this to get it into the correct structure.  Since poetry is like a foreign language to me, I would have been beyond shocked if I had gotten it correct on the first try.

[FormerMember4]

Ok, I took another stab at a Tanka. Thanks for the guidance @AC Benus Your opinion and critique appreciated!

 

Snowflakes fall heavy 
Ice and cold air surely here 
Winter wonderland 
Scarf and gloves keeping me warm 
Shoveling my walkway clear

Edited May 20, 2017 by BlindAmbition

[Mikiesboy]

6 hours ago, WolfM said:

I was talking to tim tonight about poetry and he pointed me here.  For a first attempt at anything like this and expanding beyond story writing I'm just going to post my attempt here instead of under my author heading.  That is unless I caught the general structure of a Tanka.  I have no issue with being told to stick to story writing

 

Sunlight beating down on water

Coolness of the breeze on skin

Warmth of the sand on feet

Running along the crowded beach

I enter a world all my own

I'm glad you're here! It's a bit of work, but challenges are good! They make you better! And you make find poetry isn't your thing, but you'll understand it, and appreciate it's more than just writing a few lines. It's great!

[Mikiesboy]

4 hours ago, BlindAmbition said:

Ok, I took another stab at a Tanka. Thanks for the guidance @AC Benus Your opinion and critique appreciated!

 

Snowflakes fall heavy 
Ice and cold air surely here 
Winter wonderland 
Scarf and gloves keeping me warm 
Shoveling my walkway clear

BA! Doing the prompts!  Love it!

[FormerMember4]

4 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

BA! Doing the prompts!  Love it!

Thanks for the support. Your friendship means the world!

[Mikiesboy]

1 minute ago, BlindAmbition said:

Thanks for the support. Your friendship means the world!

Love you too JP .. 

[AC Benus]

On 5/19/2017 at 11:53 PM, BlindAmbition said:

Ok, I took another stab at a Tanka. Thanks for the guidance @AC Benus Your opinion and critique appreciated!

 

Snowflakes fall heavy 
Ice and cold air surely here 
Winter wonderland 
Scarf and gloves keeping me warm 
Shoveling my walkway clear

I think you have an excellent poem here, but like I mentioned to Wolf, you may want to work on the flow of the poem as a whole - rather than creating a series of complete statements on separate lines. 

Mikiesboy posted a really fine example of what I mean from Leonard Cohen. See:

here: https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/41190-live-poets-society-–-a-corner-for-poetry/?do=findComment&comment=688193

 

Edited April 17, 2023 by AC Benus

[FormerMember4]

Your feedback brings knowledge and new understanding!

 

Leaves are lush and green

from trees on my left and right 
Birds sing lullabies 
An intense and scorching sun 
Bringing clouds and skies of blue 

 

Thanks @AC Benus

Edited May 20, 2017 by BlindAmbition

[AC Benus]

On 5/20/2017 at 10:24 AM, BlindAmbition said:

Your feedback brings knowledge and new understanding!

 

Leaves are lush and green

from trees on my left and right 
Birds sing lullabies 
An intense and scorching sun 
Bringing clouds and skies of blue 

 

Thanks @AC Benus

The difficult part with Tanka in English is leaving room for the connecting words too, so the poem flows naturally and completely like a lucid dream. It's even more of a challenge in Japanese...but it's also a sign of accomplishment in that tradition as well. In English, we've missed that part altogether and seem to suffer from what I like to call 'haiku-speak,' which is where things are just tossed out there on their own due to a general lack of understanding of the Japanese original forms. 

Tanka may be a bit of a challenge to master, but once you do, the sky's the limit with it, which is why I love it so much. Studying it now also sets up so much that's needed later, like understanding line-length and the concept of stanza form - or how to make one idea unfold over the course of several lines, avoiding hard stops.  

The issue with hard stops creeps into your poem a bit, I think. maybe I can show you by wrecking your verse....if you'll indulge me  

 

Leaves are lush and green

from trees on my left and right 
while Birds sing lullabies 
of An intense and scorching sun, 

Bringing clouds and skies of blue 

 

So, I've ruined the syllable count, but these are the sorts of connecting words - very modest ones, as you can see - that bring the Tanka into a stanza form (as opposed to lines with hard-stop endings. 

I want to say I appreciate your efforts, and honestly I feel you are so close to blossoming with the Tanka form. Please do try some more of them.

 

 

 

Edited April 17, 2023 by AC Benus

[Mikiesboy]

7 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

The difficult part with Tanka in English is leaving room for the connecting words too, so the poem flows naturally and completely like a lucid dream. It's even more of a challenge in Japanese...but it's also a sign of accomplishment in that tradition as well. In English we seem to suffer from what i like to call 'haiku-speak' where things are just tossed out there on their own due to a general lack of understanding of the Japanese original forms. 

 

Tanka may be a bit of a challenge to master, but once you do, the sky's the limit with it, which is why I love it so much. Studying it now also sets up so much that's needed later, like understanding line length and the concept of stanza form - or how to make one idea unfold over the course of several lines, avoiding hard stops.  

 

The issue with hard stops creeps into your poem a bit, I think. maybe I can show you by wrecking your verse....if you'll indulge me  

 

Leaves are lush and green

from trees on my left and right 
while Birds sing lullabies 
of An intense and scorching sun, 

Bringing clouds and skies of blue 

 

So, I've ruined the syllable count, but these are the sorts of connecting words - very modest ones, as you can see - that bring the Tanka into a stanza form (as opposed to lines with hard-stop endings. 

 

I want to say I appreciate your efforts, and honestly I feel you are so close to blossoming with the Tanka form. Please do try some more of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah.. don't quit. I can only tell you it took me ages to get these right. But you will.  and they are so important because once you do, like AC said.. you are ready to move on to each step with that base you need. You're sooo close...

[FormerMember4]

9 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

The difficult part with Tanka in English is leaving room for the connecting words too, so the poem flows naturally and completely like a lucid dream. It's even more of a challenge in Japanese...but it's also a sign of accomplishment in that tradition as well. In English we seem to suffer from what i like to call 'haiku-speak' where things are just tossed out there on their own due to a general lack of understanding of the Japanese original forms. 

 

Tanka may be a bit of a challenge to master, but once you do, the sky's the limit with it, which is why I love it so much. Studying it now also sets up so much that's needed later, like understanding line length and the concept of stanza form - or how to make one idea unfold over the course of several lines, avoiding hard stops.  

 

The issue with hard stops creeps into your poem a bit, I think. maybe I can show you by wrecking your verse....if you'll indulge me  

 

Leaves are lush and green

from trees on my left and right 
while Birds sing lullabies 
of An intense and scorching sun, 

Bringing clouds and skies of blue 

 

So, I've ruined the syllable count, but these are the sorts of connecting words - very modest ones, as you can see - that bring the Tanka into a stanza form (as opposed to lines with hard-stop endings. 

 

I want to say I appreciate your efforts, and honestly I feel you are so close to blossoming with the Tanka form. Please do try some more of them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doing that on my own poem actually helped the most. Even with count off. I see the continuous flow.

[AC Benus]

Just now, BlindAmbition said:

Doing that on my own poem actually helped the most. Even with count off. I see the continuous flow.

YAY