poetry Poetry Prompt 1 - !TANKA!

[Mikiesboy]

2 minutes ago, BlindAmbition said:

Doing that on my own poem actually helped the most. Even with count off. I see the continuous flow.

That's great... 

[FormerMember4]

I'm nothing if not determined. Last Tanka try I will post. Think I have it! 

 

Robins in their nest 

Chirping harmoniously 

while gentle winds blow 

On this warm and sunny day 

A sign of Spring emerges 

 

thanks for your patience and guidance @AC Benus

[Former Member]

24 minutes ago, BlindAmbition said:

I'm nothing if not determined. Last Tanka try I will post. Think I have it! 

 

Robins in their nest 

Chirping harmoniously 

while gentle winds blow 

On this warm and sunny day 

A sign of Spring emerges 

 

thanks for your patience and guidance @AC Benus

Yes, it's a lovely TANKA. Thanks for sticking with it  

[Mikiesboy]

51 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

Yes, it's a lovely TANKA. Thanks for sticking with it  

 

1 hour ago, BlindAmbition said:

I'm nothing if not determined. Last Tanka try I will post. Think I have it! 

 

Robins in their nest 

Chirping harmoniously 

while gentle winds blow 

On this warm and sunny day 

A sign of Spring emerges 

 

thanks for your patience and guidance @AC Benus

Aww cool that's soooo good!!  Great job BA!!!

[FormerMember4]

17 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said:

 

Aww cool that's soooo good!!  Great job BA!!!

Thanks Tim! XOXO

[Mikiesboy]

4 hours ago, BlindAmbition said:

Thanks Tim! XOXO

Had to come and read it again.  it reallly is lovely. So write a few more to practice.. then move on the next!!  

[WolfM]

I'm going to give it another shot to see if I'm getting closer.

 

The stallion stands still

A fresh oiled saddle waits

As the reins hang free

With a jump I become one

With my own bit of heaven

[Former Member]

9 minutes ago, WolfM said:

I'm going to give it another shot to see if I'm getting closer.

 

The stallion stands still

A fresh oiled saddle waits

As the reins hang free

With a jump I become one

With my own bit of heaven

Awesome. It's a really lovely Tanka. Thanks for taking the Peotry Prompt challenge, and please stick with it. 

[Mikiesboy]

1 hour ago, WolfM said:

I'm going to give it another shot to see if I'm getting closer.

 

The stallion stands still

A fresh oiled saddle waits

As the reins hang free

With a jump I become one

With my own bit of heaven

Wolfie.. this is great.. beautiful!!  Like AC says.. write more, don't quit.. 

[Parker Owens]

4 hours ago, WolfM said:

I'm going to give it another shot to see if I'm getting closer.

 

The stallion stands still

A fresh oiled saddle waits

As the reins hang free

With a jump I become one

With my own bit of heaven

Awesome! Superlative! I echo tim and AC...keep it up, this is great.

[Brayon]

My first attempt... lord help me.

 

School is out now.

Kids playing in the front yard.

The warmth on my skin.

Brings joy and laughter and fun.

Ice Cream melts and flows freely.

[Former Member]

On 5/28/2017 at 6:41 AM, BHopper2 said:

My first attempt... lord help me.

 

School is out now.

Kids playing in the front yard.

The warmth on my skin.

Brings joy and laughter and fun.

Ice Cream melts and flows freely.

It's not a bad a poem at all, but it has a few less-than-desirable features to stand as a Tanka. First of note is that a Tanka is a stanza form - one thought spread smoothly over the course of the five lines - and here you even have periods after each line. In that regard your poem is almost 5 complete poems put next to one another. 

I've been thinking that this initial Poetry Prompt might need to be rewritten. I should probably have more Tanka examples.... 

Here's my translation of a Tanka by Daini no Sammi

 

Under the mountain
On the wild moor where we met
The wind batters me
To look for what can be found,
And to think of you no more.

 

This shows the kind of stanza form we should be striving for in our Tanka. And it also show well how the 'I' or the poet himself is there to witness the events. Not only is Tanka a great way to paint scenes in words, but it's a form encouraging a personal connection from writer to reader. And this is something your poem has, so well done on that  

You can check out more classic Tanka here:

https://www.gayauthors.org/blogs/entry/15202-some-classic-tanka/

 

Edited April 17, 2023 by AC Benus

[Brayon]

Thanks AC. So, punctuation is different with poems, in comparison to stories. Gotcha. Needs to flow more.

[BDANR]

My first try at a Tanka! Let me know if I did it correctly...

 

The blazing sun beamed

On the fountain in the park

As I watched the children play

Splashing water on the dogs

And happiness was abound

 

[Former Member]

On 7/30/2017 at 9:30 AM, BDANR said:

My first try at a Tanka! Let me know if I did it correctly...

 

The blazing sun beamed

On the fountain in the park

As I watched the children play

Splashing water on the dogs

And happiness was abound

 

Thanks for taking the Poetry Prompt challenge! This poem answers the seasonal nature of the prompt very well, and I like all the strong images here. 

In addition, you have really nice flow and have avoided the dreaded 'haiku-speak'  

Two small areas for reconsideration: the third line should shave 5 syllables (so, the Tanka is 5,7,5,7,7); secondly, the last line does  not quite work grammar-wise. Perhaps an easy alteration could be "And happiness abounded." 

I hope you like this form and will try some more. it's one of my favorites. Thanks again   

Edited April 17, 2023 by AC Benus

[Parker Owens]

On July 30, 2017 at 0:30 PM, BDANR said:

My first try at a Tanka! Let me know if I did it correctly...

 

The blazing sun beamed

On the fountain in the park

As I watched the children play

Splashing water on the dogs

And happiness was abound

 

 

Hooray! I like the picture you painted!

[BDANR]

7 minutes ago, Parker Owens said:

 

Hooray! I like the picture you painted!

Thank you :D!

[Emi GS]

On 30/07/2017 at 10:00 PM, BDANR said:

My first try at a Tanka! Let me know if I did it correctly...

 

The blazing sun beamed

On the fountain in the park

As I watched the children play

Splashing water on the dogs

And happiness was abound

 

 

I have to agree with Ben, your poem did really have a tremendous flow. Which is better than the Haiku talk we guys do sometimes. And be care of the form as Ben suggested. That's the main challenge in a Tanka, where you have to follow the strict form of syllable count, dearly using the seasonal aspect and definitely write what you feel about the situation at all. Keep practice and you will love the form. I know, I do. 

[BDANR]

17 minutes ago, Emi GS said:

 

I have to agree with Ben, your poem did really have a tremendous flow. Which is better than the Haiku talk we guys do sometimes. And be care of the form as Ben suggested. That's the main challenge in a Tanka, where you have to follow the strict form of syllable count, dearly using the seasonal aspect and definitely write what you feel about the situation at all. Keep practice and you will love the form. I know, I do. 

Thanks Emi! I definitely want to try using it some more and read some others. Following syllable counts can be challenging, but it's also nice to see what you can create :).

[raven1]

@AC Benus and @Irritable1, I really appreciate that you have provided me with a great lesson on Tanka poems.  I can't believe that this forum hasn't been used for almost six years!  It's a wonderful resource.  I have started writing poetry, first exploring Haiku poems.  The next chapter I write will be Tanka poems.  Your lesson is so easy to understand with all the great examples given.  The fact that I was able to learn in finer detail from the poems of others with your comments fit my learning style perfectly like a practicum.  Thanks!

[Former Member]

2 hours ago, raven1 said:

@AC Benus and @Irritable1, I really appreciate that you have provided me with a great lesson on Tanka poems.  I can't believe that this forum hasn't been used for almost six years!  It's a wonderful resource.  I have started writing poetry, first exploring Haiku poems.  The next chapter I write will be Tanka poems.  Your lesson is so easy to understand with all the great examples given.  The fact that I was able to learn in finer detail from the poems of others with your comments fit my learning style perfectly like a practicum.  Thanks!

Thanks, Terry. There's an updated/expanded version of this prompt in my guide to writing formed verse. You can find Zero to Hero here:

 

[raven1]

5 minutes ago, AC Benus said:

Thanks, Terry. There's an updated/expanded version of this prompt in my guide to writing formed verse. You can find Zero to Hero here:

 

It's now a tab on my screen, but I will leave reading for tomorrow.  It's bedtime for me.  Thanks for the update!