AC Benus Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 3 hours ago, Parker Owens said: A flimsy curtain hems me in and limits what I see; I shudder at the useless gown that stops below my knee; I hear the cheerful bland-faced nurse explain what happens now, which only amplifies the fear appearing on my brow. Is it with interest or alarm I watch the c.c.’s flow as swift the tide of sleep must pull me ‘neath the undertow? Yet as I fade to utmost black, I smile without a care, for when from slumberland I wake, I know I’ll find you there. This is a response to the latest poetry prompt, on my last visit to the doctor (okay, it was the hospital): Lyrics. Any thoughts? As a response to the Poetry Prompt challenge, it's perfect. You paint the scene and dip into the emotions too, although in the context as it is presented, the patient is really, really fond of the nurse Perhaps an additional stanza is called for at the start, saying he's there with a loved one standing by... 3 1 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 1 hour ago, AC Benus said: As a response to the Poetry Prompt challenge, it's perfect. You paint the scene and dip into the emotions too, although in the context as it is presented, the patient is really, really fond of the nurse Perhaps an additional stanza is called for at the start, saying he's there with a loved one standing by... You’re right. I’ll have to get out my pen.... 1 1 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Perhaps this is an improvement.... When I am called, we bid farewell and share a parting kiss; I leave you with sudoku books and novels I will miss; Soon flimsy curtains hem me in and limits what I see; I shudder at the useless gown that stops below my knee; I hear the cheerful bland-faced nurse explain what happens now, which only amplifies the fear appearing on my brow. Is it with interest or alarm I watch the c.c.’s flow as swift the tide of sleep must pull me ‘neath the undertow? Yet as I fade to utmost black, I smile without a care, for when from slumberland I wake, I know I’ll find you there. 1 4 Link to comment
AC Benus Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 9 minutes ago, Parker Owens said: Perhaps this is an improvement.... When I am called, we bid farewell and share a parting kiss; I leave you with sudoku books and novels I will miss; Soon flimsy curtains hem me in and limits what I see; I shudder at the useless gown that stops below my knee; I hear the cheerful bland-faced nurse explain what happens now, which only amplifies the fear appearing on my brow. Is it with interest or alarm I watch the c.c.’s flow as swift the tide of sleep must pull me ‘neath the undertow? Yet as I fade to utmost black, I smile without a care, for when from slumberland I wake, I know I’ll find you there. Yes! And now I hope the bland-faced nurse won't be too disappointed, but it can't be helped. Well done! 3 2 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 13 minutes ago, AC Benus said: Yes! And now I hope the bland-faced nurse won't be too disappointed, but it can't be helped. Well done! I won’t miss her, either. Thank you for helping to improve this. 1 1 Link to comment
MacGreg Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 36 minutes ago, Parker Owens said: Perhaps this is an improvement.... When I am called, we bid farewell and share a parting kiss; I leave you with sudoku books and novels I will miss; Soon flimsy curtains hem me in and limits what I see; I shudder at the useless gown that stops below my knee; I hear the cheerful bland-faced nurse explain what happens now, which only amplifies the fear appearing on my brow. Is it with interest or alarm I watch the c.c.’s flow as swift the tide of sleep must pull me ‘neath the undertow? Yet as I fade to utmost black, I smile without a care, for when from slumberland I wake, I know I’ll find you there. I love this, Parker. Frightened to be undergoing treatment, but finding comfort in knowing that your loved one is near. You illustrated this experience and sentiment wonderfully. 3 2 Link to comment
Wayne Gray Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 4 hours ago, Parker Owens said: Perhaps this is an improvement.... When I am called, we bid farewell and share a parting kiss; I leave you with sudoku books and novels I will miss; Soon flimsy curtains hem me in and limits what I see; I shudder at the useless gown that stops below my knee; I hear the cheerful bland-faced nurse explain what happens now, which only amplifies the fear appearing on my brow. Is it with interest or alarm I watch the c.c.’s flow as swift the tide of sleep must pull me ‘neath the undertow? Yet as I fade to utmost black, I smile without a care, for when from slumberland I wake, I know I’ll find you there. I like this. It's emotive and sparks the imagination. Nice job. 🙂 2 1 Link to comment
Popular Post Wayne Gray Posted March 5, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted March 5, 2019 I wrote this one a few months after coming to terms with my sexuality, and after I first had sex with a guy. It'd be years before I shook the whole "it's a sin" thing. The Perfect Sin His head, he turns, His eyes, they flash, A sparkling spear of blue; His voice, he laughs, the very note, A trembling vibrant hue. An angel stands in wingless pride, Before me, drawing near; A smile upon his face shines bright, The dark it disappears. His smooth lithe form, his sweet faint scent, His breath upon my skin; I smile at him as he lay down, We join in perfect sin. 1 6 Link to comment
MacGreg Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 13 minutes ago, Wayne Gray said: I wrote this one a few months after coming to terms with my sexuality, and after I first had sex with a guy. It'd be years before I shook the whole "it's a sin" thing. The Perfect Sin His head, he turns, His eyes, they flash, A sparkling spear of blue; His voice, he laughs, the very note, A trembling vibrant hue. An angel stands in wingless pride, Before me, drawing near; A smile upon his face shines bright, The dark it disappears. His smooth lithe form, his sweet faint scent, His breath upon my skin; I smile at him as he lay down, We join in perfect sin. Great poem, relatable, the last line is especially moving. Thanks for sharing it. 3 Link to comment
Wayne Gray Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 9 minutes ago, MacGreg said: Great poem, relatable, the last line is especially moving. Thanks for sharing it. Thanks, Mac. I appreciate the nice comment. It was a crazy time in my life. 1 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 1 hour ago, Wayne Gray said: I wrote this one a few months after coming to terms with my sexuality, and after I first had sex with a guy. It'd be years before I shook the whole "it's a sin" thing. The Perfect Sin His head, he turns, His eyes, they flash, A sparkling spear of blue; His voice, he laughs, the very note, A trembling vibrant hue. An angel stands in wingless pride, Before me, drawing near; A smile upon his face shines bright, The dark it disappears. His smooth lithe form, his sweet faint scent, His breath upon my skin; I smile at him as he lay down, We join in perfect sin. I like this very much. Very sensual and in the moment. 2 Link to comment
Wayne Gray Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 36 minutes ago, Parker Owens said: I like this very much. Very sensual and in the moment. Thank you. 🙂 1 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Poetry Flashback .. AC and i were talking about this form... From NaPoWriMo ... April 21, 2018 Prompt: Try a new form The modern pantoum is a poem of any length, composed of four-line stanzas in which the second and fourth lines of each stanza serve as the first and third lines of the next stanza. The last line of a pantoum is often the same as the first. Special thanks to Lyssa, for reminding me of home, of better times and my Mum's almond blossoms. Many are the days you simply fill my heart Reminders of you in almond blossoms, in the bounty of spring, you're in each leaf Spring was always your favourite season Reminders of you in almond blossoms, so sweet in their shades of pink and of white Spring was always your favourite season because it brought your garden to life So sweet in their shades of pink and of white Little children pluck blossoms, making rings for their hair Because it brought your garden to life, having the children celebrate the simpler things Little children pluck blossoms, making rings for their hair Warm air is filled with perfume and laughter having the children celebrate the simpler things Many are the days you simply fill my heart 5 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 22 hours ago, Wayne Gray said: The Perfect Sin i like this very much. It draws me into the room and all i can see is him. Really a nice poem ... it's just so honest. 1 3 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 52 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said: Poetry Flashback .. AC and i were talking about this form... From NaPoWriMo ... April 21, 2018 Prompt: Try a new form The modern pantoum is a poem of any length, composed of four-line stanzas in which the second and fourth lines of each stanza serve as the first and third lines of the next stanza. The last line of a pantoum is often the same as the first. Special thanks to Lyssa, for reminding me of home, of better times and my Mum's almond blossoms. Many are the days you simply fill my heart Reminders of you in almond blossoms, in the bounty of spring, you're in each leaf Spring was always your favourite season Reminders of you in almond blossoms, so sweet in their shades of pink and of white Spring was always your favourite season because it brought your garden to life So sweet in their shades of pink and of white Little children pluck blossoms, making rings for their hair Because it brought your garden to life, having the children celebrate the simpler things Little children pluck blossoms, making rings for their hair Warm air is filled with perfume and laughter having the children celebrate the simpler things Many are the days you simply fill my heart I loved this. It’s so very beautiful. 1 2 Link to comment
AC Benus Posted March 7, 2019 Author Share Posted March 7, 2019 On 3/4/2019 at 5:24 PM, Wayne Gray said: I wrote this one a few months after coming to terms with my sexuality, and after I first had sex with a guy. It'd be years before I shook the whole "it's a sin" thing. The Perfect Sin His head, he turns, His eyes, they flash, A sparkling spear of blue; His voice, he laughs, the very note, A trembling vibrant hue. An angel stands in wingless pride, Before me, drawing near; A smile upon his face shines bright, The dark it disappears. His smooth lithe form, his sweet faint scent, His breath upon my skin; I smile at him as he lay down, We join in perfect sin. With a lot of poems, the content is up to the experiences of the reader. Your opening comments not withstanding, I read "We join in perfect sin" as utterly defiant Just know for me, and a lot of other readers too, that ending comes across as very strong and a celebration of orientation, not a worry about it. From what I've read of your poetry, you should not feel that your self-taught ways are anything but good and strong. I mean, I'm a self-taught poet too, and you have a natural, inborn sense of rhythm and structure. Speaking of which the particular breakdown you claim as yours just happens to be the theme of the third Poetry Prompt. I'll enclose the link, hoping the examples in there will show you that your works stands up for comparison even against the best. It may be scary to do, but thank you for sharing some of your poetry with us. I hope you grow in confidence as you continue to write it, and hopefully share more with us. And see! I told you were were a nice bunch here in the Poets Corner https://gayauthors.org/story/ac-benus/zero-to-hero-a-guide/5 2 3 Link to comment
Wayne Gray Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 (edited) 13 minutes ago, AC Benus said: With a lot of poems, the content is up to the experiences of the reader. Your opening comments not withstanding, I read "We join in perfect sin" as utterly defiant Just know for me, and a lot of other readers too, that ending comes across as very strong and a celebration of orientation, not a worry about it. From what I've read of your poetry, you should not feel that your self-taught ways are anything but good and strong. I mean, I'm a self-taught poet too, and you have a natural, inborn sense of rhythm and structure. Speaking of which the particular breakdown you claim as yours just happens to be the theme of the third Poetry Prompt. I'll enclose the link, hoping the examples in there will show you that your works stands up for comparison even against the best. It may be scary to do, but thank you for sharing some of your poetry with us. I hope you grow in confidence as you continue to write it, and hopefully share more with us. And see! I told you were were a nice bunch here in the Poets Corner https://gayauthors.org/story/ac-benus/zero-to-hero-a-guide/5 Thanks, AC. I'll check this section. I've not allowed myself to get past Haiku. I've already fought with Tanka, and I haven't written anything worth reading there. And out of all of the Haiku I wrote, ONE of nine were okay. Maybe I'm just a rhymer, Born to do things few, Maybe it's the thing that works, All else goes askew. 😋 Edited March 7, 2019 by Wayne Gray 3 Link to comment
Wayne Gray Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 On 3/5/2019 at 4:04 PM, Mikiesboy said: i like this very much. It draws me into the room and all i can see is him. Really a nice poem ... it's just so honest. Thank you, tim. I appreciate that. 1 1 Link to comment
MichaelS36 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 On 3/4/2019 at 8:24 PM, Wayne Gray said: I wrote this one a few months after coming to terms with my sexuality, and after I first had sex with a guy. It'd be years before I shook the whole "it's a sin" thing. The Perfect Sin His head, he turns, His eyes, they flash, A sparkling spear of blue; His voice, he laughs, the very note, A trembling vibrant hue. An angel stands in wingless pride, Before me, drawing near; A smile upon his face shines bright, The dark it disappears. His smooth lithe form, his sweet faint scent, His breath upon my skin; I smile at him as he lay down, We join in perfect sin. I like it. 4 Link to comment
MichaelS36 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 On 3/5/2019 at 6:26 PM, Mikiesboy said: Poetry Flashback .. AC and i were talking about this form... From NaPoWriMo ... April 21, 2018 Prompt: Try a new form The modern pantoum is a poem of any length, composed of four-line stanzas in which the second and fourth lines of each stanza serve as the first and third lines of the next stanza. The last line of a pantoum is often the same as the first. Special thanks to Lyssa, for reminding me of home, of better times and my Mum's almond blossoms. Many are the days you simply fill my heart Reminders of you in almond blossoms, in the bounty of spring, you're in each leaf Spring was always your favourite season Reminders of you in almond blossoms, so sweet in their shades of pink and of white Spring was always your favourite season because it brought your garden to life So sweet in their shades of pink and of white Little children pluck blossoms, making rings for their hair Because it brought your garden to life, having the children celebrate the simpler things Little children pluck blossoms, making rings for their hair Warm air is filled with perfume and laughter having the children celebrate the simpler things Many are the days you simply fill my heart Beautiful my boy. 3 Link to comment
MichaelS36 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 3 hours ago, Wayne Gray said: Thanks, AC. I'll check this section. I've not allowed myself to get past Haiku. I've already fought with Tanka, and I haven't written anything worth reading there. And out of all of the Haiku I wrote, ONE of nine were okay. Maybe I'm just a rhymer, Born to do things few, Maybe it's the thing that works, All else goes askew. 😋 Nothing worthwhile is easy. Poetry is a way to better know yourself and the world. I'm not much of a poet, not like tim, Mac or AC...but I find it worth the effort. 3 Link to comment
MichaelS36 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 @AC Benus hope you are well. I have scribbled out a lyric poem. I'll try for a couple...I'm busy, but I can get a couple done. 1 1 Link to comment
Backwoods Boy Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 (edited) Okay, I took a whack at Lyrics. I believe they meet the criteria, with a little rhyming added (sorry, AC, I can't resist), except for the thought vs. emotion part. But that's not surprising since I don't differentiate well between the two. https://gayauthors.org/story/backwoods-boy/backwoods-reflections/5 Edited March 7, 2019 by Backwoods Boy 1 1 Link to comment
AC Benus Posted March 7, 2019 Author Share Posted March 7, 2019 2 hours ago, MichaelS36 said: @AC Benus hope you are well. I have scribbled out a lyric poem. I'll try for a couple...I'm busy, but I can get a couple done. Doing well, Mike. No rush on your poems 1 Link to comment
AC Benus Posted March 7, 2019 Author Share Posted March 7, 2019 56 minutes ago, Backwoods Boy said: Okay, I took a whack at Lyrics. I believe they meet the criteria, with a little rhyming added (sorry, AC, I can't resist), except for the thought vs. emotion part. But that's not surprising since I don't differentiate well between the two. https://gayauthors.org/story/backwoods-boy/backwoods-reflections/5 Read and enjoyed. I'll leave you some comments over there 1 Link to comment
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