Popular Post AC Benus Posted January 21, 2019 Author Popular Post Share Posted January 21, 2019 1 hour ago, Defiance19 said: Ok, so let me start by saying.This Tanka business is SO HARD!! I tried to get it, checked the list, do not know if I succeeded. So now I submit for your appraisal. Let me know how I can fix/ correct them, are they even Tanka? 🤷♀️🤦♀️ Snowflakes dance carefree Just coating the earth below On naked branches It settles like pillowed mounds Lending grace to forlorn trees A morning snowfall Promises frolic and fun excitedly, we make plans But by playtime it’s melted Stealing joy from everyone I stand quietly Watching the wild rabbit hunt He scents the cold air Our eyes meet and he is gone Dawn falls back into stillness Ice rains from the sky Traffic crawls to a dead stop A broken down bus lets off bundled commuters I shake, though heat warms my seat Filled with misgiving I slow-walk onto the ice Pushing off I flail But your hand reaches mine And I forget I’m falling Five very good and strong scenes for poetry, and they are nicely diverse and form a little collection. For me, No. 3 is the most striking. It offers a tense moment, but it does lack how this encounter makes the poet feel. Without that emotion, there's not much the reader can connect with, other than the intriguing sight. In the same way, No. 5 has the most of "you" in it, so I'd say it's the most successful Tanka. Please keep writing, and maybe it's best to set these ideas aside and try out some fresh concepts, focusing first on the emotion of the scene. I'm really glad you are trying out the Tanka challenge, Def. Muah! 4 2 Link to comment
Defiance19 Posted January 21, 2019 Share Posted January 21, 2019 4 minutes ago, AC Benus said: Five very good and strong scenes for poetry, and they are nicely diverse and form a little collection. For me, No. 3 is the most striking. It offers a tense moment, but it does lack how this encounter makes the poet feel. Without that emotion, there's not much the reader can connect with, other than the intriguing sight. In the same way, No. 5 has the most of "you" in it, so I'd say it's the most successful Tanka. Please keep writing, and maybe it's best to set these ideas aside and try out some fresh concepts, focusing first on the emotion of the scene. I'm really glad you are trying out the Tanka challenge, Def. Muah! Thank you much, AC. I think I’m understanding the ‘me’ connection, in the Tanka part. I will keep trying and trying. lol. 4 1 Link to comment
Popular Post AC Benus Posted January 21, 2019 Author Popular Post Share Posted January 21, 2019 20 minutes ago, Backwoods Boy said: I love them all, and the "me" part is the piece to this puzzle that I'm having the most trouble with too. The poem seems so nice, and then I have to inject a token "I" into it somewhere and spoil it. Well, before laying out the scene in words, first focus on how the sight makes/made you feel. You are right that there is no injecting "I" in last. Your personal connection to the scene is either the reason the poem is being written, or it's not a Tanka 4 3 Link to comment
Popular Post Mikiesboy Posted January 21, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 21, 2019 Read this today: the poem is good... maybe have a look. 7 Link to comment
Popular Post AC Benus Posted January 21, 2019 Author Popular Post Share Posted January 21, 2019 Just now, Mikiesboy said: Read this today: the poem is good... maybe have a look. I agree. Well worth encouraging Marty to post more 7 Link to comment
Brayon Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 Okay... So I had to join the club in order to post... Anyways, I tried my hand at doing a Tanka again. So, here is my crappy piece: Original: No snow on the ground, winter is never that cold. The sand I walk on warmed by the sun, shifts away dreams of winter wonderlands. I was given some formating advice: No snow on the ground, Winter is never that cold; The sand I walk on Warmed by the sun, shifts away Dreams of winter wonderlands. 4 1 Link to comment
MacGreg Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) @BHopper2 I just sent you an invite, but it looks like you found your own way here. Good. So, your Tanka is great! Thank you for sharing it with us. I can feel the sand between my toes and a longing for a change of season. My only suggestion: the last line reads slightly awkward, only because it's not entirely clear who/what is dreaming of winter wonderlands - is it the sand or you? Edited January 22, 2019 by MacGreg 4 Link to comment
Brayon Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 5 minutes ago, MacGreg said: So, your Tanka is great! Thank you for sharing it with us. I can feel the sand between my toes and a longing for a change of season. Thank you, Mac. 6 minutes ago, MacGreg said: My only suggestion: the last line reads slightly awkward, only because it's not entirely clear who/what is dreaming of winter wonderlands - is it the sand or you? It took me a moment, but I see what you mean. I'll give it another look at. 3 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 (edited) 26 minutes ago, BHopper2 said: Anyways, I tried my hand at doing a Tanka again. So, here is my crappy piece: mmmm ... please dont say that we only learn by being brave enough to post stuff... if its not quite right.. which if you look back through this forum you will see lots of us trying to get it right.. and so they we think and do it until we get it right. Edited January 22, 2019 by Mikiesboy 3 1 Link to comment
Brayon Posted January 22, 2019 Share Posted January 22, 2019 7 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said: mmmm ... please dont say that we only learn by being brave enough to post stuff... i Will do, Bro. 3 1 Link to comment
AC Benus Posted January 22, 2019 Author Share Posted January 22, 2019 31 minutes ago, BHopper2 said: Okay... So I had to join the club in order to post... Anyways, I tried my hand at doing a Tanka again. So, here is my crappy piece: Original: No snow on the ground, winter is never that cold. The sand I walk on warmed by the sun, shifts away dreams of winter wonderlands. I was given some formating advice: No snow on the ground, Winter is never that cold; The sand I walk on Warmed by the sun, shifts away Dreams of winter wonderlands. Nothing crappy about them/it. But I will start by saying you don't necessarily need each line of your poem capitalized; it's up to you how you want your verse to read. While conventionally, yes, all poetry in English was printed with caps starting each line, the convention waned in the 20th century and became a subject for artistic expression. If you want your poem to read that way, then do it. If you don't, then just capitalize the lines that start after a period, or with a proper name 5 Link to comment
AC Benus Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 40 minutes ago, BHopper2 said: Okay... So I had to join the club in order to post... Anyways, I tried my hand at doing a Tanka again. So, here is my crappy piece: Original: No snow on the ground, winter is never that cold. The sand I walk on warmed by the sun, shifts away dreams of winter wonderlands. I was given some formating advice: No snow on the ground, Winter is never that cold; The sand I walk on Warmed by the sun, shifts away Dreams of winter wonderlands. Thanks for reading the Tanka Prompt and taking the plunge Nothing like getting your feet wet. And yes, that is a pun. With the poem itself, I wonder if too little of yourself is allowed to show. I mean, how exactly do you feel walking the sand in wintertime? Perhaps a bit relieved not to have to be out in the snow.... But I'd just say to remember Tanka are personal poems. If the sight out in nature raised an emotion in you, others may have felt it too and can relate. Please keep trying, A! There is promise here for sure. 2 3 Link to comment
Brayon Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 18 minutes ago, AC Benus said: Nothing crappy about them/it. But I will start by saying you don't necessarily need each line of your poem capitalized; it's up to you how you want your verse to read. While conventionally, yes, all poetry in English was printed with caps starting each line, the convention waned in the 20th century and became a subject for artistic expression. If you want your poem to read that way, then do it. If you don't, then just capitalize the lines that start after a period, or with a proper name 7 minutes ago, AC Benus said: Thanks for reading the Tanka Prompt and taking the plunge Nothing like getting your feet wet. And yes, that is a pun. With the poem itself, I wonder if too little of yourself is allowed to show. I mean, how exactly do you feel walking the sand in wintertime? Perhaps a bit relieved not to have to be out in the snow.... But I'd just say to remember Tanka are personal poems. If the sight out in nature raised an emotion in you, others may have felt it too and can relate. Please keep trying, A! There is promise here for sure. Thanks, AC. I'll give it another whack later. 5 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 4 minutes ago, BHopper2 said: Thanks, AC. I'll give it another whack later. Just let it rest a bit 4 1 Link to comment
AC Benus Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 I've started the slow process of gathering poems for a grand anthology on the theme same-sex love. If you know of any, please shoot me a PM! It's especially rewarding to discover poems not composed in the English language, although our own mother tongue still has lots of buried treasures, like this stunner by Chaucer. Hope you enjoy Merciless Beaut A Triple Roundel, by Geoffrey Chaucer I. Captivity Your eyes of two, whole slay me soddenly I may the beaut of him not susteen, So woundeth it throughout my heart keen And but your word, whole healing hastily My heart's wound, while that hit is green Your eyes of two, whole slay me soddenly; I may the beaut of him not susteen. Upon my truth, I'll say you faithfully, That they've been of my life and death the queen; For with my death, the trouble shall be seen Your eyes of two, whole slay me soddenly I may the beaut of him not susteen, So woundeth it throughout my heart keen. II. Rejection So hath your beaut from your heart chased Pity, that to me now avails not too plain; For Danger halts your mercy in his chain. Guiltless by death have you thus me purchased I'll say you sooth, me needing not to feign, So hath your beaut from your heart chased Pity, that to me now avails not too plain. Alas! That nature hath in you compassed So great a beaut, that no man may obtain Its mercy, though he serve for the pain So hath your beaut from your heart chased Pity, that to me now avails not too plain. For Danger halts your mercy in his chain. III. Escape Since I from Love escaped, I am so fat I'll never thank to be in his prison lean; Since I am free, I'll count him not a bean. He may answer and say this or that, I'll no favors; I'll speak just as I mean Since I from Love escaped, I am so fat I'll never thank to be in his prison lean. Love hath my name, and can strike it flat And he's stricken out of my book clean For evermore; there's none other to mean Since I from Love escaped, I am so fat I'll never thank to be in his prison lean Since I am free, I'll count him not a bean. _ 1 4 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 5 minutes ago, AC Benus said: Since I from Love escaped, I am so fat I'll never thank to be in his prison lean Since I am free, I'll count him not a bean. these are all great! i've never read any Chaucer before. 1 2 1 Link to comment
Black Paper Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 (edited) . Edited January 27, 2019 by Asher25 Link to comment
Popular Post Black Paper Posted January 27, 2019 Popular Post Share Posted January 27, 2019 (edited) So I wrote this page which is entitled “Addiction”. It is meant to aid those battling the struggles of an addiction and discover how they can overcome it. I hope you like it... please let me know what you think. Addiction You think too much. You drink to much. This is why you sink, No matter how many times you try to blink. You cannot see straight. It all looks foggy. No matter the date, You feel groggy. It is all dirty & unclean. This is why you act mean. You are haunted, By all of the things you have wanted. These drugs are like bugs. You cannot stop thinking about them, Like you're in love with what you hate. They suck the life from your fate. It is nothing but a shackle holding you back. It is a giant leech sucking the blood from your back. What is compulsive is repulsive. It is seductive, but, destructive. The addiction causes confliction.. It clouds your depiction, no matter how many times you acquire restriction. The infection causes dissection in your every direction. Each insect will affect & try to infect, Whatever, it is, that you will select. How will this go away? Discover the reason why you do it in the first place. And, only then, will this black flower be removed from your vase. Edited January 27, 2019 by Asher25 5 1 Link to comment
mollyhousemouse Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 On 1/25/2019 at 3:24 PM, AC Benus said: I've started the slow process of gathering poems for a grand anthology on the theme same-sex love. If you know of any, please shoot me a PM! It's especially rewarding to discover poems not composed in the English language, although our own mother tongue still has lots of buried treasures, like this stunner by Chaucer. Hope you enjoy i haven't looked at Chaucer since High School, and that was a long time ago! thanks for sharing this AC! xo 1 2 Link to comment
Popular Post AC Benus Posted January 27, 2019 Author Popular Post Share Posted January 27, 2019 1 hour ago, Asher25 said: So I wrote this page which is entitled “Addiction”. It is meant to aid those battling the struggles of an addiction and discover how they can overcome it. I hope you like it... please let me know what you think. Addiction You think too much. You drink to much. This is why you sink, No matter how many times you try to blink. You cannot see straight. It all looks foggy. No matter the date, You feel groggy. It is all dirty & unclean. This is why you act mean. You are haunted, By all of the things you have wanted. These drugs are like bugs. You cannot stop thinking about them, Like you're in love with what you hate. They suck the life from your fate. It is nothing but a shackle holding you back. It is a giant leech sucking the blood from your back. What is compulsive is repulsive. It is seductive, but, destructive. The addiction causes confliction.. It clouds your depiction, no matter how many times you acquire restriction. The infection causes dissection in your every direction. Each insect will affect & try to infect, Whatever, it is, that you will select. How will this go away? Discover the reason why you do it in the first place. And, only then, will this black flower be removed from your vase. It's an effective poem. The use of the repeated sounds and rhymes gives one a jittery feeling; at the risk of offending you, I think this poem makes the skin crawl. But, I'm imagining that's what you wanted, at least in part. And thanks for joining Live-Poets. We're a friendly bunch here, so feel free to ask for advice or help on any project you may have in the works 4 2 Link to comment
Black Paper Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 (edited) 12 minutes ago, AC Benus said: It's an effective poem. The use of the repeated sounds and rhymes gives one a jittery feeling; at the risk of offending you, I think this poem makes the skin crawl. But, I'm imagining that's what you wanted, at least in part. And thanks for joining Live-Poets. We're a friendly bunch here, so feel free to ask for advice or help on any project you may have in the works Exactly. That’s how the book works. it’s a whispered voice that makes no sound but you can still hear it in your mind. The book is talking to you. It talks to whoever is reading it. The more you read it the more you realize it’s alive and has conscience and comes from somewhere else. 🔮🤭🌹 Edited January 27, 2019 by Asher25 3 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 12 minutes ago, Asher25 said: Exactly. That’s how the book works. it’s a whispered voice that makes no sound but you can still hear it in your mind. The book is talking to you. It talks to whoever is reading it. The more you read it the more you realize it’s a alive and has conscience and comes from somewhere else. 🔮🤭🌹 I agree with AC ... and I think your poem is a fair description of how drugs and addiction affect you. I may be missing something but I'm not sure what book you are referring to. 2 1 Link to comment
Black Paper Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 6 minutes ago, Mikiesboy said: I agree with AC ... and I think your poem is a fair description of how drugs and addiction affect you. I may be missing something but I'm not sure what book you are referring to. Thank you. It’s the book I’m writing where this page was taken from. There’s hundreds more. There’s multiple volumes and each introduction page is a “Door” you use to walk into each book. 3 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 7 minutes ago, Asher25 said: Thank you. It’s the book I’m writing where this page was taken from. There’s hundreds more. There’s multiple volumes and each introduction page is a “Door” you use to walk into each book. Books of verse? Or? 2 Link to comment
Black Paper Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 (edited) . Edited January 27, 2019 by Asher25 1 Link to comment
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