What Is "cheating" Within A Relationship?

[W_L]

This is a new issue for me, but I think it's a good question.

 

If I know an ex-lover wants to hang out with me, but most of our dates end up at he same destination under the covers, is opening up that can of worms worth it?

 

On the flip side, I know my current bf still harbor feelings for his old ex and has already been open with me about their sexual experience together during that encounter. It makes me jealous, but I am accepting on this point and understand his reasons.

 

I understand if this were a pure monogamous relationship where we madly fell in love as high school sweethearts in a Nicholas Sparks Novel or GA fiction story of the week, but real relationships aren't that simple. Everyone has baggage from past lovers, so is it cheating anymore to be with someone from your past?

 

I wonder what is cheating? Is there a definition? Is there a line in the sand I shouldn't cross or is it a tic for tat relative terms within each relationship?

 

Some of you are married and have been in relationships for decades, some even longer as committed partners, and others like me are still trying to figure out this thing called a "relationship". Still, there may be others who just prefers a casual one night stand as well to avoid this kind of issue.

Edited December 6, 2016 by W_L

[bignick]

I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this dilemma. Relationships are never easy. But let me tell you this: they won't work unless both persons are on the same page. So, if you never said or agreed on something like an open relationship (just to point an example), I'd consider that cheating. Even with an ex-lover. More than you, I believe your bf needs to figure out what he wants and who he wants to be with.

 

Just my opinion.

[DynoReads]

This seems simple, but it isn't. The answer is it depends on the couple and the relationship.

[Krista]

The thing with past exes, you know them. Obviously you have a connection to them whether you want to admit to that or not. There is hardly ever a clean break where  one or both partners are completely over the relationship, sex, what ever. So, for me - if my husband was to cheat, I'd almost rather it be with someone he doesn't have a past connection or past relationship with.

 

I'm very, not sure how to word this, classic? In my dating, relationships, marriage... I want there to be definitive lines, but I want those lines to fall naturally and not be set by me and interpreted just by me, and adhered to just because I made them. I want the guy to be on the same natural page that I am on. Some people say, it isn't cheating until you're at the, "I love you," declaration. If you're sure enough in your own mind to say, "I love you," only then it is time to stop any side relationships and focus just on the one person.

 

I disagree. I feel that once you establish that a relationship is there then ex-lovers, wandering eyes, dating apps, etc, have to stop. They have to stop and stay stopped.

 

I made the mistake once of trying to hold on to two people at the same time and I broke someone's heart and I'm glad they found someone else. I just know to stay well away from him for the sake of my sanity and my relationship with my husband.

 

Also, communication is key. If there are blurred lines between you, they need to become clear. They don't need to become clear by you getting.. "back at him" for being with an ex-lover... to get rid of the jealousy either. I do know that isn't a steady and easy bit of ground to walk on.

Edited December 6, 2016 by Krista

[William King]

"...I understand if this were a pure monogamous relationship where we madly fell in love as high school sweethearts in a Nicholas Sparks Novel or GA fiction story of the week, but real relationships aren't that simple...."

 

Relationships are not simple, to make it work you both have to want more or less the same thing and you both have to be prepared to give. If you want a one to one relationship then you need to make that clear, there is no room for sex with ex-lovers or passersby. Cheating is a stupid concept, if you love someone you don't sleep with anyone else because you know you're in love when you cannot bear to be apart and no way would you risk losing the guy you love, NO WAY.

 

If you're thinking about sex with an ex-lover because you're jealous that your new bf still has feelings for his ex, that's perfectly understandable, but don't do it if you love your new bf. Just try to say how you feel so he knows, don't get into the logic of if he sleeps with his ex I can sleep with my ex. That won't work. If your new bf goes to bed with his ex when you just started your relationship, then, I'm sorry but he's using you and has no regard for you or no intention of being in a one to one relationship.

 

People do fall madly in love, maybe not as childhood sweethearts, but love at first site, a "coup de foudre" (lightning strike, instant attraction), you know it when it happens, it may or may not develop into a lasting relationship. Don't ever fall into the heterosexual framework where couples get married, but it's like a mutual convenience, "happy families" and sex. More often than not they end up divorced. You don't need it, you will find a lifetime partner if that is what you want, there isn't just one "Mr Right" out there waiting for you. There is no "Mr Right", but there are quite a few guys you will meet and love and have already, and maybe one of them will be looking for the exact same one to one relationship and will give up things for you just as you will for them. And if that happens you both live "happily ever after," more or less. Believe in it, it happens.

 

PS. I don't make a habit of being an "agony aunt" and I'm not so prentious as to tell you what I'm saying is the only way to think, but you wrote " Some of you are married and have been in relationships for decades, some even longer as committed partners, ..." and so you deserve some feedback from other people's life experiences.

 

PPS. I sincerely hope you work things out.

 

William King

[Puppilull]

To me, this is a question only you can answer for yourself. There are so many lines drawn in that sand that it's no wonder it's blurred. Is it easy to find your limit? No, not necessarily. It's quite easy to think you're 'cool' with something and then find out you're not... However, you are the only one who can find it.

 

When you do find it, you really should tell your partner and together you should work out what rules apply to your relationship. As long as you are in agreement, I'd say that's your definition of cheating. It doesn't matter if you're OK with full out sex with another or if you draw the line at texting an ex.

 

I'm one of those people who've been in a long relationship and I can tell you this isn't always a matter you resolve once and for all. Things change, people change. What was OK yesterday, isn't necessarily OK today and vice versa. So communication is key. In this as in all mattes involving people.

[LitLover]

I will start with the proviso that I am not a fan of open relationships.... that being said I think the basis of any good relationship is honesty, communication and trust.  If you are at a place in your relationship where outside partners are acceptable to BOTH of you and you have discussed this with your partner then no, it's not cheating.  As long as you keep the lines of communication open and are honest with yourself and your partner about your wants and desires, than your relationship can be whatever you want it to be.  Not everyone fits into that monogamous partnership mold.

 

To me cheating means going behind your partner's back and doing something you know, deep down, they would never agree to or accept.  What's that saying?  "If you have to hide it, it's cheating."  

[Sasha Distan]

The definition of cheating is decided by what you both agree upon. If you both agree that it's fine to have the odd hook up with a trusted ex, then it's not cheating. But if one of you agrees and the other doesn't, then you've crossed that line you were talking about up there.

 

No relationship is simple, even the ones that look it from the outside. Trust me.

 

Puppilull and LitLover are both correct, so I’ll just add to that sentiment. If it's something you feel the need to hide, or find it hard to talk about with your partner, then it's cheating, and probably not a good idea.

[Former Member]

I agree with the hiding aspect. That is an good signpost for oneself. I am of the "married to my high school sweetheart". We took the vows after 15 years of relationship and a lot of phases were we needed different speed to develop or were studying abroad or traveled for month alone. So I can say even high school sweetheart relationships aren`t easy to lead. In all this time our major point was trust. Trust that the other person would never hurt me on purpose and the other way around even if he/she needs this experience. To make a partner able to this behavior means, you have a lot of talking to do, so he/she can understand what your values, limits etc. are.

Shortly after we became engaged, we discovered that we didn´t wanted to be limited in loving one person. In fact a very close friendship with two other people became a deep love between the four of us. So when we finally married, our honeymoon was quite different as we planed it 12 month before. For more than five years we lived this way. And from this experience I can say: To make this kind of relationship work, requires just as much trust in each partner and the not hiding aspect is as important as a one to one relationship.

 

I hope, that I was able to point out, what I wanted to say and was a little helpful. It is still a bit difficult in English.

Lyssa

[wenmale64]

I find this very easy to answer after reading the above posts.  If you feel the need to hide your actions then it is cheeting!!!  There is no other way to look at it.  Now, if you and your partner have honest and open communications about this AND come to an honest acceptance of each others feelings AND abide by those feelings then it is not cheeting. However, this might not lead to the relationship you expect.  Simply put---  be honest with yourself AND your partner and expect the same in return and do not venture outside those boundrys.  If both of you can do that then, and only then, will the relationship have a chance to survive the tests of time.

  I have been married to my wife for 23+ years.  I finally came out of the closet to her a little while back. After the tears the first question asked by her was: have you had a relationship with anyone else?  My honest answer was NO.  With that answer we have been able to move forward and with work and honesty have a good marrage still.  Openness and honesty will carry you well and far.

 

Rob

[spike382]

I'm NOT an expert. Had some bad experiences with past attempts at relationships. All I can say is, if it feels like cheating, it is. Even if you didn't sit down and set boundaries, but are actively dating and in a relationship, there's an expectation there. Unless it is just a casual NSA type thing. Personally I've always been upfront with someone if that's what it was in the past. My current bf and I have have taken it slowly. In fact we were dating for months before we started calling each other bf. We still haven't ever formally defined our relationship, and we've never had a spoken commitment. But, there was an expectation, an unspoken agreement after we started dating. We were spoken for while we were dating.

 

Like everyone has said communication is key, but even then if you're not comfortable with the situation than something is wrong.

Edited December 6, 2016 by spikey582

[W_L]

Thanks for the advice, it solves my 1st dilemma, but raises a second one.

 

He's a good guy and I care a lot about him, but neither of us know if it is love or just friendship with some benefits. He does still care about his ex and wished things had gone better between them. What happened was an encounter early on in our relationship, his ex was heading off to grad school and would not be back. I learned about it later as we both opened up.

 

I've got doubts about this relationship, a bit of envy, a bit dissatisfaction, and experiences with cheating exes who were married closeted gay men. So basically, I have a lot of doubt.

[PrivateTim]

It all started when Nelson met a young painter....

Edited December 7, 2016 by PrivateTim

[W_L]

It all started when Nelson met a young painter....

 

....and it ended with him face down in the pool as homicide detectives swarm in

 

 

I'm not that bleak, but I am realistic with my relationship issues.

[Ashi]

Well..., if your bf (or you) did some blunder with his (or your) ex, and that make you contemplating of choking him (or the lover), maybe you should sit down and think if one of you are cheating.... 

 

Seriously though..., I think you even have the question is because you're not too sure if you're actually in love with your current bf....  Just my hunch....

[wenmale64]

I think the fact that you can ask these questions speaks volumes.  You have admitted that you are having some issues in this relationship and are even questioning if it is love or a FWB relationship.  I think a prudent way to view this is with open communications and honesty.  Go slow and see what happens. Ask questions and answer questions.  Be yourself and see how it feels.  Enjoy each other and be friends first.  If it becomes easier and comftorble then you will know much more.  If it continues to feel like a spring fling then keep looking for Mr. right but cherish the friendship, benifits optional until one of you finds a life companion.  My two cents worth, your mileage may vary....

[rustle]

WL, what is the trajectory of your relationship? Right now, are you getting closer or more distant? Your bf had a thing then. Would he do it now?

 

If you're growing closer, I question your question. Are you sabotaging yourself?

 

If you're growing distant, well, you have to decide if you want to correct course, and do what's right for you.

 

But do nothing except in love, and things will work out.

 

All the best.

[Solivagant]

To me, cheating within a relationship is when you do something that wasn't previously discussed with your other half. For instance, you agree with your significant other that you can sleep with someone else as long as they know beforehand; if you do it without previously notifying them about it, then that's cheating because you broke the agreement that you had. I would say that you usually know when you're cheating since it's something that you feel deep inside of you, sort of like a bad or uncomfortable feeling. If you have to ask yourself if you cheated, most likely you probably did.

[Thorn Wilde]

The key when it comes to defining cheating (or anything else, really) in a relationship, is communication. This is why I've enjoyed being in a polyamorous relationship, because you always lay down the ground rules when you start out, and you check in along the way. When you're used to monogamy, it's easy to think that what you define as cheating is the same thing your partner defines as cheating, and that way lies madness. Some think flirting with someone else is cheating. Some draw the line at kissing. My ex and I basically agreed that we could kiss whomever we wanted, for instance, but no more than that. It's important to talk about this stuff and make sure you actually agree. And I mean agree, not acquiesce. If you're not okay with it, it shouldn't happen. And vice versa.