Black Star Cross - 4. Rebellion

Black Star Cross

Chapter 4: Rebellion

That conniving little rat! That moronic little bitch! Just who do they think they are!? Anthony, for thinking that I would be okay with him ruining my social life and then barging into my personal life to ruin that, too. My mom, for being so fucking stupid that she could fall for some stupid-ass reason a complete fucking stranger told her with a smile. Did they really think that I would allow all this to happen without some kind of resistance?

It wasn’t even a few minutes after my little outburst that I heard Mom march upstairs to my room. I didn’t hear a second set of footsteps, so I assumed that she apologized “for me” and sent him off to paint elsewhere in the house. She tried turning the doorknob, but of course I locked it. She tried pounding on the door, but of course I ignored it. She eventually gave up trying to act nice and started screaming and demanding that I open the door. Heh, yeah right. Does she really think that I’m going to open this door, thinking that everything is alright and that there will be no repercussions? How dumb does she think I am? That’s like the lion asking the sheep to come out and play.

I just turned on my CD player and tuned her out completely. Damn, I should’ve done this all the other times we got into a fight. Eventually, the noised stopped. I could tell that she had given up hope for now and went to go find Anthony. I started to wonder what I should do when I eventually come out of my room. Chances are she’ll come at me again, claiming all sorts of bullshit that ain’t even close to the truth. I figure that when that happens, I’ll just walk out. Permanently. No reason to stay with someone who values the words of a stranger over her own son.

It was quiet for awhile. I figured that Anthony was painting and that my sister was reading something and my mom was just trying to figure out what is going on with me. Ha, good luck figuring THAT one out. You haven’t been able to do it for years now. Don’t think that’s going to change overnight. I was just about to fall asleep when I was startled awake by a knocking at my door.

“Go away! Leave me the hell alone!”

“Dude, hey, it’s me, Anthony.”

“Oh, well in that case...GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!”

“Jeez! No reason to yell. I’m just trying to talk to you here.”

“Well you succeeded. But unfortunately, I don’t feel like talking back.”

“Come on. I want to talk about last night.”

“I said get out of here!”

“I also want to talk about today.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, so leave me alone and go find some other house to paint!”

“Well fine then. If you don’t want to talk about this face-to-face, then I’ll talk about it through this door, dude. And I won’t stop, too.”

I put my headphones back on and cranked up the volume to drown out all other noises. I made sure to put in an especially long CD so that I wouldn’t be changing them so often. I had a feeling that I would be in this room for awhile. As I was listening to the music, I thought about whether I should hit Anthony again or not. I did it last time, but back then, I was provoked. I doubt I would have the same feelings rushing through me this time. And Anthony was prepared for me this time as well.

For the next couple of hours, I jammed to my tunes while trying to think about nothing. It was dark by the time I was through with it. I went to the door and tried to listen through to the other side. I couldn’t hear anything. It was around this time that Mom would usually start cooking dinner for us. I didn’t hear the stove or the sink or nothing. The whole house was dead quiet. This made me even more nervous to open my door and venture out into the hallways.

When I sneaked up to the stairs, I peered down to see what was happening. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Kimberly was watching TV and Mom was stitching. I tried to sneak my way to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat and then go back upstairs, but Mom must’ve had some sixth sense going on because she somehow managed to know that I was there.

“Shawn, come here for a moment, please,” she said. It sounded so icy. And it was said as a demand, not a request. I decided to humor her and went over to see her. She was indeed stitching, but she wasn’t even looking at where she was stitching. She was just poking a needle through the fabric over and over again without looking. She obviously wasn’t thinking about stitching at the time. Oh well. When things get out of hand, I’ll make my threat and leave. I don’t know where to go exactly, but I’ll find my way around.

“Kimberly, it’s time for your bath. Go upstairs now.”

“Okay.”

That just left me and her. There was a silence that enveloped us for awhile until we could hear the sound of the bathwater being turned on. Mom stopped stitching then and met my gaze eye to eye. Her eyes spoke to me, saying that she was beyond pissed, but trying so desperately hard to hold back on the verbal lashings she wanted to hand out to me. I also saw concern, worry, and fear. I brushed those aside though. No reason to deal with them now.

“What is going on with you lately?” she broke me out of my thoughts.

“Nothing,” seemed like a good answer.

“Don’t do this, Shawn. Don’t close yourself to me like this. We need to talk. I have never seen you lash out like you did earlier today before. I’ve never seen you get this angry before. I’ve never...”

“It’s nothing, Mom! I was just...in a bad mood. That’s all.”

“It’s got to be something more serious than that. A bad mood doesn’t make people act completely out of character.”

“Well maybe that’s just my character then!” I yelled.

“That is NOT your character! I didn’t raise my child to be so rude and disrespectful and...”

“Speaking of a person’s character, look at yours! Bashing your own son with negative comments, one after another. You’re not even trying to fix things anymore! You just want me to be back under your supreme control again.”

“Don’t you dare talk to your mother that...”

“I’ll talk to you however I damn well feel like! You know what? If I’m such a ‘bad’ person, then I should just leave! Would that make you happy? If I just packed my things and go?”

“Don’t you dare threaten me with such things! I will NOT have you running off into the streets like a hoodlum.”

I actually chuckled at that, then I laughed.

“Wow. You actually made my decision SO much easier,” I said, heading towards the door. “Don’t worry. I’ll call if I’m late,” I said in extreme sarcasm as I left my house and ran off into the night.

I could hear my mom screaming my name as I was running through the shadows and I thought that she might actually give chase, but considering how fast I had made that move, I doubt that she even knew which direction I took off in.

I kept running until I got tired and found a place to rest. I figured that I was a good couple miles away from home by now. I then realized that I had nowhere to sleep tonight. I had no friends that I could call up. No relatives lived close to here. The only house I knew was my own and I was certainly NOT going back there again. I guess I was going “camping” tonight then. I just kept walking further away from my house, trying not to be seen by anybody. It was so cold that night. I couldn’t stop shivering and bundling myself up. Not that it would’ve made a difference, seeing as how I was only in jeans, a T-shirt, and socks.

Eventually, I came upon the city’s local park that we used to go to when I was a child and Dad was still...

I shook that memory from my head and proceeded over to the bench overlooking the swings. I remember the swings. How Dad used to...

Those damn memories kept popping up in my head. Each one was more intimate than the last. It finally got to the point where I just curled up into a ball and cried. I cried for my Dad. I cried that Anthony could be so two-faced. I cried that my mom was the way she was. I cried for me, for the position I had put myself in. It seemed like I was still crying when I eventually nodded off to sleep.

I had a strange dream. I was walking down the hall of my school and it was completely empty. I was wondering why no one was there. No one seemed to be in any of the classes. Had I come in during the weekend somehow? Suddenly the bell rang and magically, students began bursting out of the classrooms and filling the hall. But the weird thing was, none of the students seemed to be going anywhere. They just stood there in the hall. It was really starting to creep me out. Then they all just started laughing at me. I didn’t even know why they were laughing in the first place. Mixed in with the laughter were crude comments about me that I definitely heard before. It was all beginning to be too much for me, so I ran away. I ran as fast as I could, but everywhere I went, there were the students laughing and making fun of me.

At the end of the hall, I saw a light flashing. There was someone in it. I just knew that they could help me get away from all this. I ran towards them and yelled out to them. As soon as I got there, the person in the light turned around. But then the light turned a sinister red and the person transformed into a devil-like creature.

“HAHAHAHA!!! YOU deserve to be saved from all this?! I don’t think so. In fact, I believe that it’s your destiny to be belittled like this. After all, you’re nothing but a fag!”

He then pushed me back into the laughing abyss. The students were now monsters and they were all clawing their way towards me. I screamed at the top of my lungs but nothing stopped them from jumping on me. Certainly not the person in the light...

When I opened my eyes, I found myself on the empty street and saw that my mom and sis were standing at the other side of it. I yelled out to them, but they just turned around and walked back into the darkness. I could see the devil-like creature in the red beckoning them towards him, smiling an ominous sneer at me while he snatched my family away with him. I cried out for them, apologizing over and over again, but nothing would make them come back. I was left there alone. I had lost everything.

That shook me enough to wake me up for real this time. I was sweating real hard and was out of breath. I felt like my throat was sore, too. Perhaps I had been screaming for real.

It was about dawn now. In a few hours I would have to go back to school. I had decided that I wasn’t going to let my mom ruin my life completely. I would still go to school and get an education. I wanted to proof myself and others that I can do it. I can graduate just like the rest of them. I don’t need ANYONE else’s help. I won’t demean myself and give up all hope for a better life.

I wandered around for a bit before heading off towards school. I got there around the same time that everyone else gets there. I realized that I still didn’t have any shoes on, so I went to the lost & found and got a pair that fitted me. I hope no one realizes that I’m wearing the same clothes from yesterday. Wait, since when did I care what people think of me? I got to my locker, only to realize that I had left my book bag and all my homework at home yesterday.

“Dammit!” I said, in a loud voice.

“What? Somebody stole your lunch money before I did?” came that annoying, familiar voice.

“Shut the fuck up, Anthony.” I snarled.

“Whoa. Somebody got off on the wrong side of the bed today.”

“There wasn’t even a bed to get off of.” I mumbled. Then I realized what I’d just said.

“What?! You mean you got kicked out or something? You slept outside? Dude, I was afraid of sleeping out there at this time of year. How did you do it? Never mind that; why’d you do it in the first place?”

“Mind your own fucking business.”

“It is my fucking business. I haven’t forgotten about you taking me in for that one night. I still owe you.”

“Oh. So you decide to make my life worse in school. That’s how you repay your debts?”

“What are you talking about?”

I couldn’t believe this.

“You know what? Forget it. It’s just a waste of my time anyways. Don’t even try to be civil to me anymore.”

With that, I tried to brush past him. Wasn’t going to happen. Anthony grabbed my arm and held on tight. I wasn’t going anywhere. The look in his eyes told me that this might actually mean something to him.

“Look, I’m sorry for treating you like I do, but what can I do? I have an image to maintain. Just like the image you have to maintain. Peoples’ images don’t just change overnight. It’s dangerous just talking to you right now without looking like I’m about to beat you to a bloody mess. Please understand what I’m saying; I HAVE to do this.”

I jerked my arm away from his grip.

“As sentimental as that was, Anthony, my reply is still along the same lines. Fuck. You.”

I now ran to my first class. I don’t know why I thought that that would be effective, seeing as how I don’t have any of my books or homework, and that Anthony is also in this class. The bell rings just as he is walking in. He sits down next to me.

Wait, what?!

He plops his books down next to me.

“You can look at mine for today,” he says, in a somewhat friendly voice that I’ve never heard him use before.

I was dumbfounded, but used his books anyways. At the end of class, I tried getting out of there as soon as possible, but he was right there with me. He grabs my arm again and flings me to the wall.

“Now I want to ask you this again, dude. I’ve never met anybody who was kicked out or ran away from home before. So naturally I’m a little bit concerned. So...tell me what happened. Why’d you do it?”