Black Star Cross - 8. Denial and the Contribution of Pain

Black Star Cross

Chapter 8: Denial and the Contribution of Pain

There I was, standing at the top of the staircase, with Anthony’s mom looking up at me. Her face portrayed something along the lines of confusion, worriment, and suspicion. I didn’t know what to do. Anthony had just bolted out the door and by now could be anywhere.

“Shawn, where did Anthony go? What did you two talk about up there?”

“I...I don’t know. I don’t know where he went. He just bolted out of there and started running.”

“Shawn, I know my own son. He wouldn’t be acting like this if only something minor was happening.”

“Ma’am, exactly how much do you know about your son? I mean, really know about him. Because if you knew anything remotely close to what I know about him from school, then you would know that you know absolutely nothing about him.”

Wait, did any of that just make sense? She just stared incredulously at me.

“Now if you will excuse me, I should go try to find Anthony,” I continued.

And with that I pushed my way past her and walked out the door. She didn’t try to stop me. Once I got to the driveway, I found myself debating as to where I should go. I couldn’t find him in any direction. I decided to go left, since that was the way to the nearby city. I figured that he would want to go where no one would easily find him.

Just as I was starting to run out that way, I looked back at his house. His mother wasn’t there by the door, yelling at me. She was still probably in that same spot, trying to understand what I just said to her. What I did see was the backyard. I hadn’t noticed it before. Then again, I’ve never been in Anthony’s house before either. I saw the huge tree in the backyard. And I could see what seemed to be planks of wood jutting out from the top of the tree. I guessed that it might’ve been a tree fort of some kind. For some reason, I felt compelled to go over and check it out. I made my way to the base of the tree.

When I got there, I realized just how tall that tree really was. It didn’t seem nearly as big when I looked at it from the street. I didn’t know that something this big could grow in a neighborhood like this. I was distracted in my thoughts about the tree by a faint sound coming from the top. I couldn’t quite make it out, it had been so quick and I wasn’t really paying attention, but I rationalized that it must be Anthony. Now then, how did he get up there? There was no rope ladder or anything to help get me up there. The branches were too high to try to grab onto. How was I supposed to get up there?

“Anthony, you up there?” I yelled.

I didn’t get a reply at all. Now that I think about it, was I really expecting one anyways?

“Anthony, come on. I just want to talk.”

Nothing.

“Your mom is really worried.”

Nothing again. Not like that line would’ve worked with me anyhow either. Now he was forcing me to say something I know I’ll regret later.

“C’mon, Anthony. Don’t make the same mistake I made.”

Yeah, I know. I didn’t buy that line of bullshit for a minute either, but it was the best I had.

“You know I don’t believe you, right?” came his voice.

Well, at least I got him to talk.

“I really do just want to talk. Your mom is not forcing me to do this. How do I get up there? How did you get up there?”

“There’s always a rope ladder for the first person to get up here. After he gets up here, it’s up to him to decide who else gets up here as well.”

“Well, can I go up there?”

There was silence for awhile before a rope ladder suddenly flung itself from the top of the tree. I climbed up the ladder, praying that it wouldn’t break while I was climbing. As I neared towards the top, I could see more of the tree fort. It looked really old and shabby, but I guess that’s what happens to things when they sit out for too long. When I got inside the fort, I noticed that it wasn’t as luxurious as I thought it would be. There really wasn’t anything in it. Just some books and a hole on one of the walls, acting like a make-shift window. Anthony was leaning against one of the walls, looking out the “window.” He seemed so far away; not distance wise, but mentally. He was definitely in deep thought. I crawled over to him, since there was no room to stand in there, and sat down next to him. He continued to look out the window.

“Look, Anthony, I...”

“I’m not saying anything.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“At school. When we go there tomorrow, I’m not going to say anything to anybody.”

“Well, I suppose that’s good, but...”

“Are you going to say anything?”

Now he turned his head so that he was looking at me. I tried to look into his eyes again to see if I could decipher anything out of them, but his face was emotionless. He was masking them well.

“Well, no. Of course not. Who could I tell? Nobody listens to me anyways. But Anthony, we...”

“Good,” he interrupted me, again. “Then we’ll just forget this ever happened. It was a one-time thing; nothing else. I’ll try to cut back making fun of you, but I can’t promise anything significant.”

By now his face was back to the window. And I was starting to get furious with his constant interruptions and attempts at trying to change the subject.

“Anthony! Look at me! We need to talk about this!”

Unflinching, he refused to look back at me.

“There’s nothing to talk about. We already figured out what to do,” he said.

“No we didn’t! You thought up of something to do! Not me! And there is plenty that we need to talk about. Don’t think that I’m blind, Anthony. I saw that look in your eyes a couple minutes ago. There was something there. It was more than just lust, too. You can’t write it off as a one-time thing.”

“You don’t know that. You don’t know if it was lust or curiosity or something else. It just...happened. That’s all. It won’t happen again. It was a one-time thing.”

“You know, I seem to recall the fact that, while yes, I was the one who initiated that kiss, you didn’t seem too worried about getting away. And it wasn’t like you weren’t enjoying yourself while we were kissing either.”

“I was scared; too scared to move away. And I wasn’t enjoying it either. And is there a point to bringing this up?”

“Dude, you were moaning! AND you were hard! Does that not sound like enjoyment to you? And the point is, why are you so concerned about dismissing it as a one-time thing? Why can’t it happen again?”

Now that is what motivated him to look at me again. However, the look he gave me wasn’t one of happiness. Not by a long shot.

“What are you?! A real fag?! Are you trying to hook up with me or something?! Because I said this before and I’ll only say it once again: I’m not gay!”

“Bullshit! You were grabbing me so hard, I thought that you were trying to take a chunk out of my ass! And let’s not forget who first started trying sticking their tongue down the other’s throat! I would think that those would be good indicators that you’re at least bi!”

“Shut the hell up! I was confused! I didn’t know what to do! You were taking advantage of me!”

“How could I have taken advantage of you if you responded back to that kiss? It wasn’t like I raped you! It was consensual with both parties! You liked it too! And what about that first kiss last night? You thought that since I was asleep, that you could kiss me, without my consent? Sounds like YOU were the one taking advantage of ME!”

Anthony looked at me with his fighting spirit dying in his eyes. He just couldn’t come up with anymore excuses. Why couldn’t he just accept what happened? Why was he being so stubborn about it? Why can’t he listen to his heart?

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he said in a strangely calm voice, turning back to the “window.” “You don’t talk about me in school, I don’t talk about you in school. Got it? Now get out of here.”

“Anthony, you can’t just let...”

He spun his head around again.

“I SAID GET OUT OF HERE! CLIMB DOWN THAT LADDER AND GO HOME ALREADY! YOU’RE NO LONGER WELCOME HERE!”

I sat there, stunned by what he said. I didn’t know if he meant the tree fort or the house entirely. And that brought up a whole new topic.

“Anthony, I can’t go home. You know that.”

“Well, you can’t stay here either. You’re fully rested and well, so you can survive enough to go somewhere else to stay. But you can’t stay here. I won’t allow it.”

He said this so matter-of-factly that there wasn’t a shred of emotion in that statement. It was like he truly didn’t care if I was in the same position by tonight as I was last night. And that really hurt. I thought that by rescuing me, that I had gained at least one person that actually cared for me. I guess I was wrong. I felt so defeated, so betrayed. But I couldn’t figure out why. I should’ve seen this coming. I mean, this is Anthony we’re talking about here. Maybe...maybe Anthony was right. This was a one-time thing. I just happened to get lucky. Now my luck’s all run out.

With no energy to fight anymore, I silently crawled to the ladder and climbed down the tree. Not once did Anthony look at me, or in any way try to stop me from leaving. He really wanted me gone. I couldn’t go back into the house. I don’t know what Anthony would do if he found out that I was staying there even longer. I couldn’t go back to my house. I had made that decision what seemed like an eternity ago.

Where to go? The park? No, it was still relatively bright outside. I guessed that it was around five in the afternoon. I couldn’t go where people would see me. I didn’t need any more pain at the moment. But I guess that it wasn’t like people would come up and start talking to me anyways. It hasn’t happened before.

Anthony wasn’t running after me, so I guess I better just move on. I walked down the street, not knowing where it would take me.