Black Star Cross - 27. Confessions on a Bedroom Floor

Black Start Cross

Chapter 27: Confessions on a Bedroom Floor

I was not surprised to see Anthony on Monday walking with a slight quickness towards me. If it was even possible, I was more somber and apathetic yesterday, opting to stay in my room all day and stare at my homework, and today. I didn’t need to get an 'A' in my classes. Or, for some of them, a passing grade. I didn’t even try to make a fake smile for him. Of course he knew that something was wrong immediately.

“Dude, what’s up? Something go wrong at your house?”

“No,” was the deadpan answer he got.

Anthony surveyed the area quickly before going on ahead with his inquisition.

“Dude, come on now. What’s wrong? I won’t tell anybody.”

“Anthony, it’s nothing. I just...had a bad time sleeping last night,” I lied.

Anthony continued to stare me down, trying to duplicate my lie-detecting eyes trick. Fortunately, he doesn’t seem to have that skill.

“Alright then. I’ll stop for now. But remember, if you ever need anything, or somebody to talk to, you know how to find me.”

“Uh-huh,” I replied, and gathered my books for the first class.

~~~

‘Huh, that’s strange,’ I thought, as the class was standing, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Anthony wasn’t standing, nor reciting the pledge either. ‘Has he always been doing this? Why hadn’t I noticed before?’ He kept averting his eyes, never gazing at the flag.

“Why didn’t you say the Pledge of Allegiance?” I asked, after we sat down again.

Anthony gave me a stone-cold look.

“I don’t believe in it,” he said simply, before turning his head back to the teacher. Before I could ask why, the teacher started the lecture and I was forced to shut up.

~~~

All class period long, I couldn’t help but to wonder why Anthony didn’t “believe in” the Pledge of Allegiance. So not only was I not caring about my classes anymore, but now I wasn’t even paying attention in them either. Great, I should tell Mom that. I’m sure she’ll be excited. I hope that at least Anthony is paying attention. I’ll see if I can get notes from him later, if I bother to even ask.

By the time class ended, he seemed to be in a better mood. I really wanted to ask him about the pledge thing, but wanted to keep him in a good mood as well. So I decided to wait ‘til later to ask him about it.

                                                                                                                             ~~~

The rest of the day went by pretty smoothly. Anthony sat next to me at lunch again, despite my reasoning with him. Don’t get me wrong; I like having him sit next to me at lunch, but he doesn’t seem to grasp the whole “sudden buddy-buddyness” that might turn a few eyes our way. Come on now, Anthony. You should know these school rules better than that.

He drove me back to my place as well. He actually started going down the route to Emmy’s place, but then realized that I had a new destination to go to and turned around. I was hoping that he wouldn’t catch that mistake.

When we arrived home, I saw that no cars were parked. Mom must not be home. Kimberly doesn’t come home for another hour. I didn’t think anything of it when Anthony asked if he could come in for a few minutes. I just invited him in. That’s when he set off his trap.

“Hey Shawn. I think we need to talk.”

Never, in all my years of living, has that phrase EVER meant a good thing. Coming from Anthony, it seemed to sound worse. Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was: “Oh God. He’s breaking up with me already.” Not that I didn’t figure that this would likely happen. He’ll just need another smack on the head to get his thoughts into order.

“Let’s do it upstairs in your room.”

Prepared for the inevitable showdown, I followed him upstairs into my room. He took the liberty to sit down on my bed and silently beckoned me to sit next to him. What, is he going to cuddle with me while breaking up with me? Seeing that I wasn’t going to be sitting next to him in the immediate future, he began to speak.

“Look. I’ve been thinking about your attitude this morning. I haven’t seen that expression on your face in awhile now.”

What? He wasn’t trying to break up with me? Then what is this all about?

“Honestly, I wasn’t really concentrating too much in my classes today, especially our first class, dude,” he continued.

Dammit! I needed those notes! And he didn’t take any either?!

“I wasn’t paying too much attention during that class, too. I was too busy thinking about why you didn’t ‘believe in’ the Pledge of Allegiance.”

“Damn. I guess we need to get notes from somebody else.”

“Yeah. That can be your job. You know people in that class.”

“Yeah. But back to what I was saying. I really want to know what’s been eating at you today. I mean, c’mon.” He leaned towards me, like he was telling me a secret of some sort. “If we’re...like this,” he said, quieting down to a low whisper at the end, “then we should be able to talk to each other about these things. At least, that’s what I thought.”

He did have a point, though I hate to admit it. If we are a legitimate couple, then couples confide to each other, right? But...this was about...

“It’s just personal, Anthony. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it,” I told him, as I sat on the floor, not really wanting to feel his touch for once. I scooted myself back into the bed though.

“Normally, I would just let it go then. But the way you were acting today, I don’t know. It just seemed like it was bigger of a problem than what it should be,” he replied, sliding down to where I was on the floor. Despite me not wanting him close to me, I allowed him to wrap an arm around my shoulder.

We were silent for a couple minutes after that. The furnace hadn’t kicked in yet, so the entire house was cold, including my room. Even though I was wearing appropriate clothes for once, a sweatshirt in this instance, I was still cold. And even though all he had around me was an arm, Anthony did seem to transfer some of his heat to me. But all he could do is warm my exterior. I was even colder inside. That date was coming closer and closer. I looked up at him. Could he...?

“His birthday is in a few days,” I said, without making eye contact.

“Whose?”

“...my dad’s.”

There. I said it. What’s he gonna do now?

“I’m sorry,” he replied back, strengthening his arm around me. “What can I do to help?”

“Help?”

“Yeah. I mean, moral support or family vigil or something.”

“Heh. We don’t do family vigils around here. Maybe in Africa, but not here. It’s been six years now. I don’t even know why I still mark the calendar. I wonder if Mom even knows that it’ll be his birthday in a few days. I should just stop doing this altogether, but...it’s hard.”

“Well, you were close to him. Of course it’s going to be hard to let go. It’s not like you’re suppose to forget about him entirely. Just...try to remember the good times you had with him. Not your last few minutes.”

At the mentioning of that, my memories of those last few minutes came rushing into my head. The long, silent drive home, the tension in the air, the harsh, pouring rain. His promise to be back home shortly. The drive to the hospital. Looking at him on the bed, barely recognizable. Tubes everywhere, doing nothing to save him. All my fault. All my fault.

Anthony must’ve been watching me the whole time, ‘cause when the first tear started to form, he was quick to wipe it off my face.

“Sorry to make you remember that, dude. I’m really sorry,” he apologized.

“It’s my fault. It’s all my fault,” I muttered. Did I hear him? No. “If I hadn’t...if I didn’t...if I weren’t gay...”

“Shawn, listen to me!” He took my chin in hand, firmly and securely, and brought it facing him. I didn’t have much choice but to listen to him then.

“You being gay had nothing to do with your dad’s accident. Like you said, it was raining out, the storm was brewing pretty heavily, no driver should’ve been on the road. He could’ve been as happy as a dude watching his first porno, and he still might’ve gotten into an accident. It might not have even been his fault. With a storm that bad, another truck, a semi even, could’ve not have seen him coming and ran into him.”

“But, if I didn’t tell him, he wouldn’t have made that second trip.”

I knew that I got him with that one. He stayed silent for a few moments before speaking again.

“Don’t really know what to say to that. Yeah, if you hadn’t told him that you were gay, then he might not have gone out again. I don’t know.”

He paused, probably to consider his next words.

“Dude, Shawn, what happened in the past happened in the past. You know? It’s not healthy to keep nurturing this accident in your head. I know that it sounds somewhat obligatory coming from me, but you really have to let this go. Let him rest in peace already. I’m sure that he doesn’t want you beating yourself up over it for the rest of your life. I’m sure that he wants you to be happy…from what I can gather about him.”

Again, silence. I considered his words. I really did. It wasn’t like him to be so...caring. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true.

“I can’t believe you know the word ‘obligatory’,” I said back.

A soft chuckle came from him, which is exactly what I wanted.

“Didn’t we already have this discussion before, dude?”

“C’mon. You can tell me. You looked that up somewhere for this conversation. What, do you have a Word-A-Day calendar or something?”

“Ha ha. Shut up. I do know some big words. Shocker, I know.”

“It really is. I’m surprised that you’re passing English. ‘Dude, you should totally check this out!’ ‘Dude, ‘cause I told ya so!’ ‘Dude, man, that’s, like, wicked cool.’” I mimed.

“Hey! I don’t talk like that, dude,” he shot back, covering his mouth at the end, but too late.

“You see! You have to start or end each sentence with ‘dude’! Why do you jocks insist on doing that?!”

“Because we’re cool! In fact, we’re ‘wicked cool’.”

We broke down into small hysterics after that. I leaned into him some more, he doing the same. We shared light kisses, just enjoying each other’s company. I looked at the clock; half an hour before Kim comes home. The vision of Anthony sitting down during the pledge this morning came into mind. I looked back up to him. Time for some reciprocation, Anthony.

“Your turn now. Tell me why you don’t believe in the Pledge of Allegiance? Why were you sitting down today? Do you always do that?”

The smile disappeared from his face faster than anything I’ve ever seen. The light dulled in his eyes and he visibly slouched over some. He clearly didn’t want to be talking about this, but I wasn’t letting him squirm out of this one.

“Like I said before, I don’t believe in it,” he deadpanned again.

“C’mon Anthony. You said it yourself. If we are a...couple,” I began, noticing him flinch at the mentioning of the word, “then we should be able to talk to each other about these personal things.”

He sighed and turned to me.

“You know how I feel about what happened to my dad. I told you about him going to Iraq; coming back in a ceremonial box the size of a shoebox,” he said. His voice was rougher, on edge; he clearly wasn’t too thrilled about talking about this. “Thanks to that stupid war, I don’t have anyone to look up to! I don’t have a father anymore!” His face was turning red. I thought I saw those stress veins that are supposedly in the forehead. He quickly defused though. “If I had known that war was going to be so dangerous, that I’d lose Dad...” He sighed and leaned further into me. It was my turn to be supportive.

“If I had known...I wouldn’t have let him go. I would’ve begged him to stay.”

It was silent again until a few moments later.

“I should’ve known. I should’ve seen this coming. I mean, war is like a death sentence, right? You go there, and you die! They rarely ever show the war survivors come home on the news! It’s always the deceased! Always the little clip of the broken families crying their fucking eyes out because the fucking president has a fucking superiority complex and can’t stand to lose a fucking lost war!!! I should’ve seen it coming. Fuck ‘being a man.’ Fuck ‘pride.’ Fuck the fucking country that took my dad away in the name of ‘patriotism.’ And fuck their fucking anthem and ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.”

I think he was done. God, he swears a lot when he’s angry. But I could see where he’s coming from. The country in which he was going to serve in took away the only man he’d ever had in his life, his role model and, more importantly, his dad. He has the right to be angry and swear like a sailor. But there was one thing that he was wrong about.

“Calm down Anthony, before you burn down the house in rage,” I chided. “I’m sorry that I brought it up, but I had to know. I was curious and concerned. That’s all. And I understand why you’re angry. And why you don’t stand up and say the Pledge of Allegiance. But there is something that you should know. Something that you should already know. Think realistically about this, Anthony. There was no way that you would’ve known back then that your dad would die in the war. There was no way that he would’ve known either. I’m sure that your dad wouldn’t just throw himself at death’s door if he knew. You were just a kid. You still are. You wanted to be just like him. You were so happy and proud at that moment, in the airport. You probably thought of nothing else. You couldn’t help it, then and now. There’s no way you would’ve known, Anthony,” I said, starting stroking his hair mindlessly.

“Yeah, I know. But still. I had no one to look up to after that. The one thing I was sure of, this country, betrayed me and killed my old man.”

“You make it sound like it was all set up. That it was intentional. Anthony, this should be obvious, but the United States didn’t kill your dad. They didn’t purposely single him out and specifically sent him to a hostile country, knowing that his chances of survival were slim, just because they didn’t like him or something.”

He didn’t say anything back. I was wondering if anything I had said was getting through to him.

“I get what you mean; it’s just that...” he trailed off.

He sighed and curled further into me. We were tightly wound together now.

“I miss him,” he concluded.

“I miss my dad, too,” I replied back.

“I’m glad we had this talk, dude. I think it did us both good.”

“What are you talking about? I never learn a thing!” I remarked.

At first he looked at me as if he believed in what I’d just said, then a smile formed on his face, a soft laugh came from him, and then he hit me on my shoulder.

“I know. Always daydreaming in class, asking me for notes; I have to explain everything to you thousands of times before you get it, dude,” he laughed.

“But at least I’m not a jock,” I countered.

“Will you lay off that already? Jocks are fully capable of having brains!”

“Well, when you show me one, then I’ll lay off.”

“You’re lying next to one!”

I looked at him, twisting my face into one of shock and horror, and then busted out laughing.

“If you’re a jock with brains, then I’d hate to see what a jock with no brains looks like!”

Next thing I know, I’m being tackled to the ground, fighting off his (blatant) advances, and quickly give up, both of us laughing the entire time. It was then that I noticed that the furnace had finally started, and the room was warming up again. When he finally had me pinned down, we were quiet. Unfortunately, or maybe not, that meant that we heard the bus stop at the end of my street, meaning that Kimberly would be home any minute now. Anthony looked at me, knowing that he should get going now, and gave me a quick peck on the lips before getting off of me.

“I should go.”

“Yeah. You’ve never met Kimberly before, have you? Might look awkward to her, seeing a strange guy in the house, uninvited.”

“You invited me!”

“No I didn’t! You invited yourself in!”

“Well, whatever dude. I should head home now.”

“See you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah, see ya.”

Just before Anthony left the door, he turned around to speak to me.

“Hey Shawn?”

“Yeah?”

“When your dad’s birthday comes up, do you mind if I come over?”

Thinking what he meant for a moment, then seeing the meaning behind it, I smiled back at him.