Black Star Cross - 18. "Paranoia, Paranoia..."

Black Star Cross

Chapter 18: “Paranoia, Paranoia...”

I opened my eyes. It was dark still. I was still on the bed. But I could see my surroundings this time. I was in Anthony’s room. I looked down at my chest and saw that there were no slash marks on them. I looked at my arms and saw the same thing. I reached down inside my briefs and felt both my balls and dick. I had never felt more relieved. Had it all been a dream?

“Hmm? Shawn? Why’re you awake?” I heard.

I looked over and saw Anthony lying next to me. He was still in his red shirt that he had on earlier that day. Images of the nightmare, still fresh in my mind, flashed brutally before my eyes. I quickly kicked him, hard, off the bed, and leapt off the bed myself before backing myself to the wall, ready to defend myself at all cost.

“Ow! Son of a bitch! Why’d you do that?!” he barked.

“Stay back,” I said, cautiously. “Stay back. Get away from me. Leave me alone!”

“Shawn? Dude, what’s going on here? What are you saying?”

“Get away!” I yelled when he tried to take a step closer. I wasn’t letting him come anywhere near me. “I’m sorry, okay?! I’m sorry! Don’t hurt me. Leave me alone!!!”

“Shawn. I’m not going to hurt you,” he said in a soothing, assertive voice. “I just want to know what is going on here. Why are you acting like this? Dude, it’s me, Anthony. Nobody’s going to hurt you. What are you sorry for?”

I saw him take another step closer to me and I almost shit my pants. I tried warning him off again, I kept apologizing to him, but he just kept trying to get closer to me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want him to hurt me again. I had trapped myself against the wall, foolishly. There was nowhere I could go. I tried calling out to Emmy, or the kids, or somebody, but I couldn’t muster up the strength to yell that loud. Plus, I was afraid of what Anthony might do if I did yell.

He kept getting closer, saying something to me, but I couldn’t hear what. It was most likely more of his toxic words being aimed at me. Saying how worthless I was, how unruly, how undeserving. As he drew nearer, I found that I could no longer hold myself up on two legs and buckled down to the floor. I could feel him getting closer. My last resort, in my mind, was to turn away from him, face against the wall, and get into my favorite position, fetal, while trying to cover my head with my right hand.

I almost puked when I finally felt his hand touching my shoulders. I automatically flinched my entire body. I did so again when I felt his other hand on top of my other shoulder. I was having so much trouble breathing. I thought that I might pass out. Maybe then the pain that he’ll put me through won’t reach my brain until after I wake up, IF I wake up.

After a few minutes, I realized that nothing was happening. I wasn’t in immense pain. I opened my eyes and found that I was still in Anthony’s room, it was still dark out, and I was still backed up against the wall. I felt Anthony’s strong arms on my arms. I felt his hairy legs around my thighs and butt. I felt his chest and even his heart beat on my back. I felt his head and his soft hair on my neck and left shoulder. I could hear what he was saying now.

“It’s going to be okay, Shawn. Nobody’s going to hurt you. It’s alright now. I’m here now. Nobody is going to hurt you. You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. Going to be okay.”

He stopped when he felt that I was thinking more clearly now.

“You okay, Shawn?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened back there? You were acting like I was the Devil or something. Did you have a nightmare or something?”

At the sound of the word “Devil,” my mind was immediately taken back to the nightmare, with Anthony decked out in red and laughing at my pain and misery. Anthony must’ve noticed that I was going back under again.

“Shawn? No! Shawn, come back to me. Nothing happened. It was all a bad dream. None of it happened, Shawn. Shhh, nothing happened,” he said softly.

Whatever he did, did the trick. I was able to pull myself away from the dream and back into Anthony’s secure arms.

“I suppose you don’t want to talk about it right now, do you?”

“Please don’t make me,” I whispered.

“I won’t. Come on. Let’s go back to bed.”

“I don’t feel sleepy.”

“It’s okay. Nothing bad is going to happen. I’m here, ya know. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

And I felt safe knowing that. I followed him back to bed, never noticing at the time that he was leading me back by the hand. We both crawled into bed together and drew the blankets over us. I flipped onto my side, not expecting to be falling asleep anytime soon. It wasn’t a minute later that I felt Anthony spooning up against me.

“Will this help you sleep faster?” he asked.

I smiled, already getting dreary.

“Yeah. Should work. ‘Night, Anthony.”

“‘Night.”

I didn’t have any other dreams that night. I woke up the next day to find that Anthony was already awake, for he wasn’t in bed with me. It was still early, though. Then I realized that it was a school day after all. I decided to help myself to Anthony’s closet, picking out a shirt and pair of pants that fit me. I took this opportunity to go commando once again, relishing in the feeling of having no confinements on Shawn Jr. When I thought about how he was brushing up against one of Anthony’s pair of jeans, I had to think of Christina Aguilera naked in order to keep things under control.

I went downstairs to find Anthony cooking eggs. I had to smile at the thought of Anthony being domesticated enough to cook anything. I thought that, being the manly man that he is, he wouldn’t be able to boil water. He must’ve sensed my presence, for he seemed to turn around just as I entered the kitchen.

“Hey, dude. You’re up. You hungry? I made plenty for both of us,” he said in a cheerful voice, a wide smile on his face.

However, I didn’t hear most of what he said. At the sight of his face, I was brought back to the intensely dark room, with the red-clad Anthony slicing me open and ripping me to shreds, taunting me all throughout. I didn’t know how I got back there, but I was there nonetheless. The kitchen started turning black. The walls moved away from me. Anthony, who was holding a spatula, was now holding a butcher’s knife. I started to back myself up against the wall. He was starting to come closer to me.

“Don’t! Please! I’m sorry! Don’t kill me,” I pleaded.

Again, I felt his body against mine. I could smell his familiar scent. For some strange reason, I was drawn in to this, despite the fact that Anthony was about to kill me. I felt like I needed him to protect me from...him. How weird is that?

After a couple of minutes of me not dying, I was able to gain hold of reality again. I looked up to see Anthony holding me in his arms, rocking me back and forth, like I was a kid that just had a nightmare. He was whispering his usual reassurances to me. He soon found out that I was in my right mind again and stopped.

“Dude, we really need to talk about this. I don’t know what you dreamt about last night, but if it is affecting you this much, then you need to get it out in the open. I don’t want you going into panic attacks every time you see me.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Every time I see your face, I just go back to the dream.”

“Come on, dude. Talk to me. What was the dream about?”

I started to open my mouth when, in the process of remembering the dream, it became too real for me and I felt myself on the verge of another panic attack.

“Whoa, whoa there dude. We don’t have to talk about it right this second if you don’t want to. I don’t want to force you to relive that nightmare. Look, we’ll do it another day. Okay? Come on. Let’s have some breakfast.”

Anthony’s words got through to me and I was able to save myself from having another episode. We ate breakfast in silence. I could tell that he really wanted to talk about this, but he also wouldn’t push me into it. We got our stuff together and headed out for Anthony’s car. He insisted that he drive me to school, since I was already at his house. I felt kinda bad because I didn’t get to do any of my homework from yesterday. I didn’t want to be falling behind already. Anthony assured me that it was no problem. I figured that the jock wouldn’t do all of his homework every time. That was just a given. It wasn’t until we had made it to school that he noticed my choice of clothing for today.

“So, do you like my brands of choice?” he asked.

“Huh?” I replied, confused as to what he meant.

He nodded his head towards my clothes- I mean, his clothes.

“Oh. That. I didn’t have any clothes with me, and I didn’t feel like wearing my dirty clothes again. I’ve already gone through that before, and I don’t want to do it again.”

Then he said something that I wasn’t expecting.

“They look good on you.”

After all that has happened, he still manages to say things that take me completely by surprised. I was flattered.

“Thanks.”

“Now don’t think that means that I find you attractive or anything...” he started.

I just started ignoring him. I was still high on the fact that Anthony had said that I looked good in his clothes. My God, I think I’m starting to turn gayer. I’m acting like a little schoolgirl.

We got out of the car and headed towards the doors. Once in, I started to feel my heartbeat again. I didn’t notice any of Anthony’s friends coming over to see him, saying that they were worried when he didn’t show up yesterday. I couldn’t hear anything. Not the students, not the numerous shoes hitting the floor, not the lockers slamming shut, nothing.

“You thought the worst in everybody that you knew, even the ones that you didn’t knew,” he had said. His voice was still ringing powerfully in my ears, in my brain.

I dropped to the floor. I could feel all color rushing out of my face.

I started remembering my other dream, where I was in school and everybody was laughing at me. They were calling me names. They were making fun of me. What had I done wrong? I never did anything to hurt them. I never even spoke to most of these kids.

More importantly, I remembered the person in the white light. I remembered how he had betrayed me by transforming into that demon-like thing, and shoved me back into the throngs of students, whom had morphed into monsters themselves and had attacked me. When I looked up, I saw those monsters again. All the students, they were changing again. They were all out to get me. Anthony had tricked me! He was the man in the red! He brought me to school so that everybody could get a piece of me! No!

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I immediately smacked it away from me. In my confusion, I tried punching whomever it was that touched me, but I could tell that I had missed when my fist didn’t collide with anything. I was NOT going to just sit here and let everybody attack me! I was going to fight till every last one of them was dead! If I could survive several nights out on the streets, I could surely take care of myself and whip some monster ass!

I felt the hands on my shoulders again, two of them this time, and I grabbed on to the arms and slammed my head into its face. The creature howled in pain and released its grip on me. I quickly sent a blow to its stomach with my fist, and got to my feet and started running for the exit.

I suddenly felt somebody grab at my shirt collar, preventing me from reaching the exit doorway. In a flash, this new monster had both my arms wrapped behind me. I couldn’t hit back. I tried kicking the demon, but it seemed to know what I was thinking, for it kicked my legs out from underneath me and had me kneeling on the floor. I couldn’t believe how easily I had lost. I was still struggling, but I knew that this creature was powerful, and that it wasn’t going to let go anytime soon. I couldn’t believe this, but I started begging to the monster.

“Please, don’t kill me. I don’t want to die. I didn’t do anything to you. Please. Don’t kill me.”

Tears were forming and rolling down my eyes. I waited for my doom for a bit before I smelled a familiar scent. I looked up to see Anthony’s face. His hand was caressing the side of my head.

“Okay. I think he’s coming back now, dude. You can let go and go get the nurse, Keith.”

I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. All I heard was noise. I suddenly felt my arms being freed. I never looked away from his face, from his eyes. I didn’t budge at all. I didn’t want to scare him away. I didn’t want to be alone in this nightmare hellhole.

“Shawn, can you hear me? Keith’s going to get the nurse. We’re going to take you back to Aunt Emmy’s, okay? You can’t be here, acting like this. We’re also going to get you a therapist. There’s something going on here, and it’s not good. You need to talk about this. I’ll come by after school today if you want to talk to me about it. Okay, dude?”

All I could do was nod. I don’t think I could speak even if I wanted to. I held onto Anthony for dear life until he told me that the nurse was here. I didn’t care what the other students around us thought of the scene. They can go fuck themselves for all I care. The nurse told me to come with her to her office. I didn’t budge. Anthony lifted me up and, like I had a broken leg or something, had me lean against him as he helped guide me into the office. The nurse asked me some questions, which I answered as simple as I could. When she realized that there was nothing physically wrong with me, she called home and told Emmy to pick me up. She explained the situation to her, and I could tell that Emmy was not happy. I didn’t want to burden her anymore than I already have. The nurse told me to wait here until Emmy came. Anthony told me that he had to go to class now. I didn’t want him to leave. He reassured me that he would be over once school lets out for the day. I nodded and he left for the door.

Emmy came in twenty-five minutes later. She apologized for whatever it was that I did. The nurse told her what Anthony told the nurse, and Emmy was quite shocked at my behavior. I don’t think that she believed it at first. She apologized again and ushered me to the car. It was a silent ride home. Neither one of us knew what to say to each other. I silently thanked her for not talking to me.

I walked straight to my room, hoping to get back to sleep. When I felt my nightmare start to resurface after looking at my bed, I rushed out of there and dove into Emmy’s bed instead. I swear I was starting to cry again. When was Anthony getting here?

At around two, Emmy came in to feed me lunch, since I hadn’t eaten since morning. I told her that I wasn’t hungry. She insisted that I eat something, that it would make me feel better. Just to make her feel better, I ate what she gave me. The bad thing was, she didn’t leave while I ate. I could tell that she wanted to talk. I started to chew very slowly.

“Shawn, would you mind telling me why you...acted that way today?”

“Yes.”

I bet that she wasn’t expecting that.

“Shawn, this is serious. If what happened at school today is true, then you seriously need to tell somebody about what is going on inside that head of yours.” I continued to eat in silence. “Do you want Anthony to come over so you can talk to him?”

I stopped eating right about then. How could she have known that he was coming over?

“Um, he’s already coming over once he gets out of school,” I said, nervously.

She gave me an odd stare, like she knew something I didn’t. I was getting uneasy with her staring at me like that.

“I see. Well, that could be expected,” she said plainly. “When he comes over, I’ll leave you two alone to talk. Now, finish up your lunch so that I can take the dishes to the sink.”

I finished rather quickly just to get her out of my room. Once I was done eating, she gathered the dishes and proceeded to walk out the door. Just before she left, she turned to me.

“Shawn, if talking to Anthony doesn’t work out so well, I want you to know that you can still talk to me. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Just go already! I was relieved when she finally turned and left. I lay in bed for the next hour or so until Anthony showed up.

At around 3:30, I heard a knock on the door. I was in bed, staring at a wall at the time.

“Dude? It’s me, Anthony. I’m coming in now. I want you to close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you to, okay?”

What on earth was he talking about? Why was he telling me to close my eyes? Whatever the reason, I decided to go along with it. I closed my eyes as I heard him open the door. He moved across the room and made it to Emmy’s bed.

“Okay. I’m right next to the bed. Without opening your eyes, I want you to sit up and move towards the middle of the bed.”

Thinking that this was creepy and romantic at the same time, I complied with his new orders. Once I did that, I felt him getting on the bed with me. Immediately, I felt his arms start to ensnare me, his legs lining up with my own. His chest was moving up against my back, and I could feel his breath on my neck.

“Okay. You can open your eyes now,” he said, softly.

I did so, and looked down to see his arms, hands, legs, and feet connecting to some part of my body. I looked behind me to see Anthony’s face very up close to mine. With his face filling most of my vision, I could start to feel that sinking feeling coming once again as I felt myself disappearing into the nightmare again. I didn’t move my gaze from his, though, and I could see that he wasn’t intending to hurt me. No, this Anthony that I was with wanting to help me. I could feel myself detaching from the dream and feeling safe in this Anthony’s embrace. So that’s why he wanted me to close my eyes.

“You okay now, Shawn?”

He wanted to ensure that I don’t go back into the nightmare again.

“You still with me?” he said.

He wanted to make sure that I don’t go into another panic attack and try to attack him and run away again.

“You know you’re safe here, right?”

Just how well does he understand how I’m operating? How well does he know me? How did he know just what to do in such a short period of time?

“Come on, Shawn. Speak to me, dude.”

“Yeah. I’m okay. I’m surprised that you came up with all of that.”

“I kinda figured that every time you look at me, it triggered another panic attack, and that it only went away after I made you feel safe. So, I made sure that you felt safe before seeing my face, dude.”

It seemed so simple, and accurate, that I was surprised that I had not thought of it.

“So, are you going to talk to me about what’s going on inside your mind as of late?” he asked.

I felt like, since he was being so nice and caring to me, I should tell him the truth this time around, and not just some half-truths.

“I don’t know. It’s a really personal thing for me. I don’t want you thinking that I’m, like, disturbed or something.”

“Dude,” he said, in a pleading voice. “I’m more concerned about your well-being, especially your mental well-being. I don’t want you to suffer a panic attack every time you come across something that triggers one. I don’t want you to fear me, to be scared of me every time you see me.”

Now, I swear, he was giving me his best puppy dog eyes.

“Please? Tell me what’s going on in there.”

He poked the side of my head. I was finding it increasingly difficult to keep anything away from him. It wasn’t helping any that he was rubbing my arms with his hands, or that he was repeatedly bombarding my neck with his warm exhale. I didn’t feel like telling him anything about my dream, I just wanted to cuddle up with him and fall asleep. Just like any couple would do.

“Shawn! This is no time to be falling asleep, dude! I’m trying to help you here. The least you can do is pay attention.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just that it feels good when you hold me like this. I feel safe. It just makes me want to fall asleep in your arms.”

“Well, wake up! I’ll let go of you if you don’t start paying attention.”

That startled me awake. I knew that, if he did let go of me, then I would be thrust back into the nightmare realm and start hallucinating again.

“Don’t! Don’t let go. Please. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to go,” I begged.

“It’s okay, Shawn. I won’t let go if you tell me all about the dream.”

I knew that he was manipulating me, but at the time, I didn’t care. I didn’t want to go back. Not there.

I don’t know what finally made me crack, but I suddenly let loose with all of my emotions. I told Anthony everything about the dream. Inside my head, as I was telling him, the dream was playing itself out again. I told him about him, dressed in red, me, being tied to the bed, all the torture that he put me through, all the pain he had caused me, all the things that he said. Several times I had to stop because it was all too much, and I broke down into tears. Anthony never said a word, but he did try to comfort me. Each time I stopped, I was determined to start again until I told him the entire thing. It took me an hour to recount everything, including all the times I had to stop to collect myself. I could tell that Anthony was shocked that I had such a dream. I dared not look at his face. He must’ve been horrified that I would dream that he would do such things to me. Eventually, I felt him starting to let go of me. I could feel the cold chill that formed on my body where his body used to be. As it was getting colder, I noticed that it was getting blacker again. I could see the red off in the distance. I knew what was awaiting me. I didn’t want to go! Where was Anthony?! Why did he leave me? Why did he let go? Anthony, somebody, help me!!!