Black Star Cross - 5. Frozen Dreams

Black Star Cross

Chapter 5: Frozen Dreams

The people passed us by as Anthony continued to hold onto my arms tightly, pinning me against the wall. He kept staring into my eyes, trying to see if my eyes would tell him what my mouth wouldn’t. Or maybe I was over-exaggerating the whole thing.

“I’m not going to say this again. Tell me what happened!” he barked.

Okay, since when did this fucker get the idea that he could get whatever information out of my life that he wanted, yet could still keep private about his own life? I still haven’t forgotten our little “talk” from a few days ago. He seemed so different then. What changed? Oh yeah, reality.

“Look,” I said. “I don’t have to tell you shit about my life. Don’t you dare think that you can just waltz into my life and demand to know everything that’s going on. So stay the fuck out of my way. Got that?”

Anthony gave me a nasty look and I thought that he was going to try to attack me right then and there, but something must’ve stopped him from doing so because he released his grip on me and backed away.

“Dude, I’m just concerned, that’s all.”

“Oh fuck that shit! You haven’t shown an ounce of humanity for me for the past four years! Everyday has been like hell to me since I’ve known you! I didn’t know that someone could be as heartless as you! I hope you fucking rot in hell for all the things you’ve done to me!!!”

Yes, I said all that out loud. And very loudly, too. The other idiots of this school were starting to stare at us; no, at ME. But by now, I was too pissed to think about them and their judging eyes. All I saw was red and it was all over Anthony right now. Again, though, he stood there without a comeback. He looked around and saw all the people looking at me, but by now, also looking at him, too. No doubt he was trying to decide how to please the audience since, according to him, he had a “role” that he was bound to play out. Then he looked at me again.

“You know what? Fuck you. I tried to help, but you’re such a goddamn asshole, stuck in your own self-pity, that you don’t even want help! Forget you. You screwed yourself there, dude.”

With that, he turned around and walked away. I walked away in the opposite direction. I’m not quite sure who won that argument; I don’t think anybody really did. And I don’t think that what he said was true at all. I am not some lonely person looking for pity from everyone else, refusing help when offered. I have NEVER asked for pity from anyone when Dad...when he... NO! I am not supposed to be thinking about that now! I’m in school! A public place! Yet the images wouldn’t go away.

RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!

Well, there goes the late bell. Might as well skip class. I headed to the guys’ bathroom and tried my damnest to not start welling up again over thoughts of Dad. Yeah, that lasted a couple minutes.

I cried for several minutes, then I just decided to go home early. Fuck school and their rules, I’m not feeling well so I’m going home. When I got there, I saw my mom’s car out in the driveway. I wondered why she was home so early when I remembered last night. Crap! She was still on edge from when I walked out on her yesterday! Actually, now that I think about it, I’m surprised that nothing happened at school today relating to that incident. Well, I can’t go home now, so where can I go? Back to the park? Not in the daytime. I need to go somewhere where no one will notice or recognize me.

I couldn’t think of such a place that wasn’t safe as well, so I just decided to walk around and try to avoid all human contact. I can pretty much say that I am now officially a run-away. Homeless. Penniless. What a way to live. I can’t keep showing up to school in the same clothes every day, so I would eventually have to drop out to avoid suspicion. Fuck, so there goes my dreams. Maybe I should go back home. It might make things a little easier. No, not after what she did by letting Anthony persuade her over the phone.

By five o’clock, I was still walking around, starving because I had no money to spend on food. No credit card on me either, since Mom never thought highly of kids having them. I felt so dirty; I hadn’t washed in two days now. I must’ve reeked badly. I was really turning into one of those homeless boys you see on the TV. I was walking behind a McDonald’s and saw their dumpster. It smelled so heavenly of greasy fries and hamburgers that I just had to get a closer look. Upon further inspection, I found that someone had thrown away a bag containing some spare fries and a quarter of a hamburger. I was so tempted to reach in and grab the bag, that I did so without a second thought.

It was only when I had taken out the burger and lifted it to my mouth that my brain suddenly realized what I was about to do. I had never expected my life to turn out like this. I was about to eat leftovers from a dumpster like a starving alley cat. I was so horrified at what I had become in the process of one day that I dropped the burger onto the ground and broke out into tears that lasted till no more tears could form. Since when did I turn into such a crybaby? But in retrospect, since when did I cry last?

I left the place, still starving, and walked on, further away from my home. I decided to just walk as far as I could, maybe even to another state. Maybe I should go into the forests, live off the wild. No, I’m too much of a city-folk to be able to do that. I’d…die faster than I already am. I would just keep walking...keep walking ‘til I get there...get to that place...

Suddenly my stomach contracted and I started hurling everything that I had in there.

How pathetic was I? All the kids at school were right all along. I was totally worthless. Not fit to be alive. Why can’t I just die right now? It’d save everybody a whole lot of trouble. At least my corpse could rot into the ground and nourish it. Then I’d at least be helping something in my life. Or lack thereof.

It suddenly got cold, very cold. I could see my breaths in the cool, frosty air. I could see less of them. There wasn’t as much coming out of me. It was so cold, so cold out. Why? Why was it this cold out? So cold. I...I don’t know...if...I can make it...make it to...the place...I...

...Then everything went black...

~~~

...What? Where am I? I’m moving. It’s cold out. Still, it is cold out. Why am I moving? My legs aren’t moving. Who is moving me? Who...

...I slipped back into unconsciousness...

~~~

When I woke up again, I noticed that I was in a car. I was in the passenger’s seat up front. The car was moving. It was moving...very fast-like. Yeah, I was in a very fast-like car. But who was driving it? I strained my neck a little to see who it was, but they told me not to move, to conserve my energy. I couldn’t remember the voice. They sounded cool, though. I was getting tired again, so I fell back to sleep.

The next time I woke up, I found myself in bed. Wait, the covers were different. These aren’t my covers. This isn’t my bed. I’m in someone else’s bed! But who’s? I ripped off the covers to find that I still had my clothes on. So at least I wasn’t raped. I think. My butt certainly didn’t hurt. But maybe that’s because they were gentle? No, what rapist would be gentle with his victim? Why am I still thinking about this? I should be worrying about where I am. I’ve practically been abducted. I could still be in serious danger here.

The door opens and I see a middle-aged woman come in. Is she the rapist? She had a warm smile to her face and had a soothing aura around her, making it hard to be afraid of her. She came closer and in the dark, I could see that she had a bowl of soup with her.

“I see that you’re awake, Shawn. Here, have some soup. It will help you warm up quicker,” she said in a very motherly voice.

I haven’t heard that tone of voice in a long time. And I was really cold and hungry at this time, so I accepted the soup. It wasn’t long until it was all gone. I started feeling very sleepy again and laid back into the bed. I thanked the woman for the soup, but she replied that it was no problem and left. Just as I was falling asleep, a thought occurred to me.

How did she know my name?

~~~

When I woke up, it was snowing outside. Wait, it was snowing everywhere. I was outside. Was I kicked out of the house? I looked around. There were no houses to be seen. The wind started blowing again and I was cold once more. I decided to start walking again. There was nothing but snow for miles around. It was like I was deposited in the middle of Antarctica. Oh well. Guess I’ll keep on walking. As I drudged along, I felt myself becoming warmer. I didn’t know why, I just was. Something ahead of me was really warm. I could go over there and warm up. I started running for the warmth. Where was it coming from? What was that? A voice? There’s a voice coming from somewhere! Where is it? I looked around but couldn’t find the source to the voice. It spoke to me again. It told me to follow the sound of the voice. I started running again. I felt myself getting warmer again. The voice was leading me to the warmth! No! The voice is going away. The warmth is going away too. Don’t go! I don’t want to be cold again...

I could feel myself awakening from my dream. I hadn’t opened my eyes yet, but I could still tell that it was dark out. I smelled something fragrantly. Someone was there. Who? I can hear them breathing. Their breath was warm on my face. Why? Their face was getting closer. Did they intend to...? I felt the lips pressed against mine. It was only for a brief second. Then the lips departed from mine. It felt good. I never kissed before. It felt...good. I opened my eyes to see who it was, but I only saw the shadow of the figure walking out the door already. I tried to call out to them, but my voice refused to cooperate. The door closed behind them and I was submerged into darkness once again.

It wasn’t until morning that I decided to venture outside the bedroom. Apparently, the room I was in wasn’t used very often. There were no signs of routine use, no signs that somebody actually sleeps in this room, no signs of postures, toys, clothes, or anything else commonly found in a bedroom. I’m not quite sure why a bed was in here then.

I had no idea what time it was, but I could hear someone downstairs. I crept down and saw the woman from last night at the stove, cooking breakfast. She must’ve sensed me, probably a woman thing since my mom did that too, and motioned me over to the table.

“I was wondering when you’d be getting up. I was starting to wonder if you slipped into a coma or something. I’d have to give your breakfast to the neighbor’s dog,” she said cheerfully.

I’m usually nervous around such perky people, so I naturally shied away a little from her presence. She saw that and came over to me.

“No reason to be shy, honey. I don’t bite. Just ask Anthony when he gets home.”

Wait. What?

“Um...excuse me ma’am. But, did you say Anthony?”

“Why yes, Shawn. He left a couple hours ago. I heard that you were from his class and, knowing my son, couldn’t do anything BUT rescue you from the harsh winter conditions.”

Oh my fucking God. I was in Anthony’s house.