Black Star Cross - 10. Release Me

Black Star Cross

Chapter 10: Release Me

For the rest of the day, I just sat in the hospital room, watching TV and having the nurses come in occasionally to check up on me. I seriously thought about getting myself into the hospital more often. Nobody came to see me, though. Mom never came back, neither did Anthony. Can’t say that I never got just a little bit lonely. Though it probably was due to the fact that I didn’t have any of my stuff with me; the stuff that usually kept me occupied at home.

At the end of the day, one of the doctors came into my room. He said that my free ride here was over and, starting tomorrow, my mom would have to come in and start talking to them about paying for all this.

Great. Like she’s going to spend a dime on me. I’m just that no-good, delinquent of a son of hers. I’ll probably be back out on the street by tomorrow afternoon. I fell asleep with those thoughts in my mind. Gee, thanks a lot, you stupid doctor.

I woke up early the next morning. An elderly nurse was standing next to me. She asked if I wanted to participate in a prayer service that was going on in the lobby. I declined her offer and she went to someone else. A prayer service, eh? I guess that means it’s Sunday. To think that less than a week ago, I was still living in my house, still being tormented by Anthony, and not because I kissed him, and I still had a relatively normal life. Now look. Maybe I should pray. But then again, I was never one to believe in God, or prayer, or anything like that. I never got shown nonjudgmental love. I never experienced miracles. I never believed that something great was waiting for me after I died. I never felt like someone was watching over me.

What a surprise it was when Anthony showed up to my door. I don’t think it was even visiting hours yet.

“Hey, dude. You doing any better?” he asked.

“Yeah. Just experiencing some hallucinations, like my tormentor coming to see me while I was in the hospital,” I said snidely.

To my astonishment, he actually chuckled at that.

“Yeah, I would definitely be reaching for my meds right about now if I was you, dude. But besides the hallucinations, you’re feeling better?” he pushed on.

“Anthony, since when do you care?” I replied, acidly.

“I just want to see you get better.”

“You haven’t wanted to see anything except fear and pain from me for four years!” I began, but I was interrupted.

“I know! Okay? I know I was a bad person. Even after we started to get to know each other, after that one night at your house, I still treated you like shit. I know I used a sorry excuse about my ‘role’ in order to get out of acting differently towards you. I know all that already. But I want to change that, okay? You’re a really good guy, dude. You’ve been through too much. I don’t want to see you get hurt anymore. I promise, once you go back to school, you won’t have to worry about me or my friends harassing you again. I’ll be nice to you. I’ll even be your friend if you want me to be, dude. I want to make things better. Please.”

Wow. Just what has he been thinking about in the last twenty-four hours? It’s like a complete turnaround. Does he really want to be my friend? Is it all a hoax? But wait, “friends?” What about that kiss. What about being...

“Anthony, I...I don’t really know what to say. You really have thought a lot about this, haven’t you?”

He looked at me and nodded his head.

“You really want to be my friend?” I asked, incredulously, almost non-believingly.

He nodded again.

“But...what about our kiss? Why can’t we be closer than friends? Why can’t we be boyfr...”

“Because I can’t be gay! Alright?! I can’t be.”

There was the complete turnaround.

“You’re still on that idea? Anthony, what is so wrong with being gay? It doesn’t make you any different,” I said, feeling bad about preaching, something I didn’t think I’d ever resort to.

“Yes it does! You start acting all poofy and all, start walking really swishy-like, limping your wrists, wanting to take any guy’s cock down your throat or up your ass. I don’t want to be like that! I’m not that at all!”

I was trying really hard not to take any offense to his comment. Deep breaths, now. Deep breaths.

“I know you’re not. But being gay doesn’t mean that you have to be like all those things. Most gay people aren’t like that. I’m not like that.”

Silence. I just realized that I had just effectively come out to him. But, the way I had been pressing the couple issue, it’s not like he didn’t already know that.

“Dude, you...you really are sure about that? You’re confident enough to admit that to yourself?”

“Yeah, I am. And I know that there’s nothing to be ashamed about.”

Okay. That I was lying about. All my life I had been ashamed of whom I was. It was the main reason why Dad wasn’t in this hospital room right now, comforting me. But I couldn’t tell Anthony that.

Anthony went back to studying his hands while I stared at him. Neither one of us knew what to say or what to do. Anthony spoke up again soon.

“I quieted down the rumors about you at school. I made sure that no one was talking bad about you while I was there. Heh, not like there was a lot of talk to begin with. You’re about as popular as the drinking fountains, dude. But the people at school, they would definitely talk about us at school if we...you know...”

“I wouldn’t care,” I stated, matter-of-factly. “You think I haven’t learned how to ignore stupid people in school by now?”

“But I don’t want that! I don’t want to be shunned by all my friends, to be made fun of by everybody else. I don’t want to be alone while everybody else is off doing something else. I’m not like you. I need to be with my friends! I need to be around other people! I can’t stand being alone!”

Anthony’s little outburst put us back into a quiet spell. I really didn’t know what to say to him. He was right. He is different than me. He’s a social creature; I’m more of a loner. Now that I think about it, it would be a miracle if we would stay together for more than a week, if we ever got together.

“But,” Anthony started again. “I would still want to be around you, I guess. I would still want to be your friend. Why can’t you just accept that?”

Why? Why couldn’t I? It was all that I was getting. I couldn’t have my cake and eat it, too. Why couldn’t I just accept being Anthony’s friend? I didn’t know the answer to that question. But I had an inkling.

“I should probably get going soon,” he said.

“Yeah.”

He looked back at me again. I could tell that he really didn’t want to go. I held his gaze, staring into his eyes. His emerald green eyes. The perfect shade of green. The next thing I knew, we were kissing again.

I don’t know who initiated it, but I was glad that it happened. I remembered all the little things. The juiciness of his lips, the scent only he had, the touch of his hands as they caressed my arms, how whatever I was doing turned him on as well.

We broke apart from that kiss. It wasn’t as lust-driven as the last one was. It was more tender, more gentle, more loving. This still did not put a smile on Anthony’s face though. His eyes started to tear up and he laid his face into my chest. He refused to cry this time; he had more control over that. But he was breathing heavily. I tried to comfort him by wrapping him up into a hug, which actually seemed to have worked at first, before he started to back away. He tried to look at me again, but each time he turned his head away.

“Why? Why’d I fucking do that? Why did it feel good?! Why do I fucking want to do it again?! What the fuck is wrong with me?!” he yelled.

He went back to that almost crying stage and buried his head in his hands. He was trying so hard not to let it all out. I couldn’t imagine what must be going on in his head right now. Wait, yes I could. I do it everyday. I try not to think about my Dad like that, like his entire existence was a miserable one. But I always end up bawling whenever I think about him, as long as I’m alone. I miss him so much. I don’t know why I haven’t gotten over this yet. I think I still believe that I am partially to blame for why he isn’t here right now.

Now I was crying, thinking about Dad. I wasn’t as strong as Anthony. I couldn’t hold it in like he could. He looked up at me, seeing my tear stained face, and gave me a confused expression.

“Why are you crying? I thought you wanted things to be this way?”

“I’m...I’m not crying about that. I...it’s something else. Forget about it. It has nothing to do with you.”

I could tell that he was put off by that comment, but he still had things on his mind, so he didn’t say anything back. We just sat there, on the bed, for a little while longer, not saying anything to each other and barely looking at each other. I don’t think Anthony would’ve left if the nurse hadn’t come in and asked why he was in a patient’s room. Tried as he might, he couldn’t convince her to let him stay there longer. I wondered why he wanted to stay longer if he truly thought that he didn’t feel anything towards me. The nurse told him that he could come back during visiting hours. I didn’t say anything throughout all this. On his way out, Anthony did manage to tell me that he would be back later. Again, I was surprised by his sudden desire to be with me, even if it isn’t in the context of a relationship.

With Anthony gone, I was left to myself again. Worse yet, I was left to my thoughts, which I didn’t want to think about at the time. Despite me not wanting to, I thought about things anyway. Why is Anthony so upset at the prospect that he might be gay? He could very well be bi. Why couldn’t he just follow his heart? That’s what I’ve been doing all along. Your heart never lies.

When am I going to get out of here? The doctor said that if I wasn’t paid for by this afternoon, then I would be released. Could I survive in this condition? Would I be given a better set of clothes to wear other than the ones I’ve worn for days now? Would Mom pay for me? No. Would Anthony? I wonder...

Around noon, I was greeted with my second visitor. I guess visiting hours were now open. But then again, hours might be different if you’re one of the patients’ mothers. It didn’t surprise me that she wasn’t looking all too happy to see me. Well, why did she stop in then if it made her so uncomfortable?

“I talked with the doctor,” she said. “I will be paying the bill for the time being, since it is low. But might I tell you, if it had been any higher, I would’ve seen it fit that you would’ve paid for it out of your own allowance.”

“I don’t even have an allowance!” I challenged.

“That’s because I don’t trust you to make smart decisions. And apparently my gut instincts were right.”

“You think that my behavior is so bad when you can’t even control your own. Do you even hear yourself when you talk? Do...”

“Quiet mister! You will talk to me when I say that you can.”

“Bullshit! You’re not the boss of me. You never were, and you ain’t starting now!”

“I’ve had it with your selfish, rebellious behavior, young man! You should be grateful that I’m paying your medical bills, your education bills, your...”

“Grateful?! You shouldn’t even NEED to pay for my medical bills. You were the one who made all this possible! And my education bills?! My life is fucking hell in school! I wish that I could just quit! In fact, now that I think about it, as soon as I get out of here, I am going to officially drop out of school! I don’t care anymore! I don’t care about my grades! I don’t care about my ‘future’! What future? What future do I have?! There is none! I give up. I just...I give up.”

By the end I was completely deflated. My steam was just about all used up. I was hoping that Mom would say something that would refuel it again. But she said nothing. Her face was blank. I couldn’t read it to tell if her mood changed. She just sorta sat there, unflinching.

“We will discuss this later,” was all she said.

She got up and left the room. Just like that. Nothing more was said between the two of us. I don’t know if anything more COULD be said. I was confused by her reaction. Or rather, lack of a reaction. Was she still mad at me? Was she starting to feel sympathetic? Oh God, I hope not. That is the LAST thing I need right now.

~~~

Well, that was around noon. Now it’s, like, four or something. No one else has come in to visit me. I’m bored out of my mind. People may not realize it, but if you’re a patient in a hospital, and you’re not being catered to by your posse of loving, supporting family and friends, then you tend to get bored very, very easily. I was just about ready to shove a spork in my eye when I felt the presence of somebody else in the room.

“C’mon now, dude. Seeing my pretty face can’t be THAT bad.”

“Don’t be too sure of that. And just how many times do you plan to come in here today?”

“Well, I said that I would come back later, didn’t I? So here I am.”

“But why are you really here? I know that it isn’t because of that promise you made. This might just be a hunch, but I don’t think that you’re the type that keeps his word,” I said sarcastically.

“Hey, I DO keep my promises, even if you don’t believe that. I’m not as bad of a person as you think I am, dude. I don’t know why I even started picking on you in the first place. And also, like I said before, I came here because I wanted to see you get better.”

“Somehow, I doubt all of that. You can say that you’re a good person, but it’s what you do that shows who you really are. And what you did was make my life a living hell for the past four years. So yeah, excuse me if I don’t believe in your sorry-ass excuse that you’re really a kind and gentle guy, except when it comes to me.”

“Look, Shawn. Please, can we go one conversation without fighting or yelling at each other? I’m getting sick of yelling at you all the time. I’m getting sick at getting mad at you every time I see you. I’m really trying to make things better here, between the two of us.”

I looked at his eyes, trying to see if there was any deception in there. He wasn’t lying. Anthony did want to make things better between us. True, he wasn’t about to get together with me and admit that he really likes me, but he still wants to be at least friends. Could that be so hard? Could I manage to be JUST friends with Anthony, even though we both want it to be something more?

It was then that the doctor showed up at the door.

“Shawn? I’m sorry to interrupt but I just need you to sign this form saying that you agree that it is your mother who is paying for this bill.”

“Oh. Okay.”

After I had signed the form and the doctor left, my brain jumped ahead and started thinking about all the shit that I’ll have to go through once I get home. I definitely don’t want to have to go through with all of that. My mom wouldn’t let me have a moment’s peace ever again. Chances are, I’ll be grounded till I graduate...from college. I can kiss my privacy goodbye as well. I’ll have everything taken away from me. She’ll probably even go as far as removing the door from my bedroom. There has to be some way out of this.

It was then that an idea struck me. I don’t know if it will work. Even if it does, I don’t know how long it will work, or what kind of repercussions will occur because of it. But it is the best idea I have so far, so I’m going for it.

“You say that you want to try to fix the rift between us, Anthony?”

“Yeah. I want us to become friends. Why?”

“That offer you made, about me staying with your aunt...does it still stand?”