Black Star Cross - 9. Nostalgia

Black Star Cross

Chapter 9: Nostalgia

Walking down the desolate road, I thought about all that’s transpired in the last couple of days. I had a fight with Mom, which led to me running away from home. I’m not quite sure if she’s done anything about it yet. And what about Kimberly? What does she think about all of this? She must be really worried. Even though I wasn’t the best brother in the world, it wasn’t like I fought with her constantly. I wasn’t the worst brother in the world, I think.

I wandered around and fell asleep at the park like some homeless hobo, which I guess I pretty much am by now. I went to school and got into yet another fight with Anthony. Same old, same old. I almost ate out of that dumpster. That was something I don’t plan on doing again. But yet, I didn’t plan on being out on the road again either. I might not be able to help myself next time. How pathetic am I?

I walked around some more and fell asleep on the road. That’s where Anthony saw me and picked me up. In his house, I got my first kiss. I had to mess all that up by keep bringing it up with Anthony until he finally rejected me outright. Even when I initiated that second kiss, that was probably a fluke. Like Anthony said, it was a one-time thing.

And now here I am, alone once again, walking down some unknown road leading to some unknown destination. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find some new caring family. One that’ll take me in and...what the hell am I thinking? This is reality that we’re talking about here. People don’t just up and take some wandering kid off the streets in everyday life. And there is NO WAY that I’m going to a shelter or orphanage. I’d rather just die here on the street.

Where on Earth am I? I’ve never been in this part of the...wherever I am, before. I’m so lost. I wish that I knew where I was. Then I could plan out what I’m going to do. Or I wish that I had some company. It is very lonely traveling by yourself. Maybe Anthony...

Wishful thinking. He’s the one who kicked you out, remember? He’s not going to magically appear out of nowhere and take you back. Oh jeez, that sounded like you two were together or something. Stop thinking about him! It’s never going to happen!

Yeah, it’s never gonna happen. Your dreams are just that. Dreams. They never come true. That’s why you dream them. Never act on them.

~~~

It wasn’t until the late afternoon, when it was already pretty dark, that I was really starting to get hungry. I had already skipped lunch, and now it was about dinner time. There were no restaurants or even homes anywhere near me. I must’ve entered the nearby woods. Bet nobody can find me here. What am I going to do about food? I don’t know what’s poisonous and what’s not. I don’t know what’s edible.

I sat down by a nearby stump. I looked all around me, then started to cry. I cried my fucking eyes out! I lost everything! I lost my home, my family, my crush, my dignity, everything! I have nothing left to live for! I’m lost in the woods, I’m cold, I’m hungry, I’m tired, I don’t want to go on anymore.

I didn’t even know that I fell asleep until I woke up, startled at my surroundings. It was now night. It was pitch black. I couldn’t see anything further than five feet from my face. It must’ve dropped twenty degrees while I slept. It was freezing! I was still in the same clothes that I wore the day before. This meant that I still had on the same short-sleeve shirt, so that wasn’t helping me warm up by any means.

I once read somewhere that when you are really freezing cold, like out somewhere in the middle of nowhere in the snow, that you should never fall asleep. If you do, then something happens in your body that makes it easier for you to literally freeze to death. Maybe my body was telling me that it was time to go. Time to leave this place. It sounded like a good idea. I couldn’t do anything else here. I messed everything up. There’s nothing left for me. I should just go...

~~~

I later found myself walking more into the woods. I didn’t know how that happened. I just suddenly found myself walking. How did my legs know where to go? Where was I taking myself to? I walked on until I came to a clearing in the forest. I looked outside and saw houses. I recognized one of them. My house. Great, I had just spent the last day or so walking in a complete circle. I couldn’t even run away from home correctly. Still, the house looked very inviting.

I didn’t even feel my legs walking towards my house. I don’t even think that I was even thinking at the time. All I saw was my house getting closer and closer to me. I think I was on the driveway before I finally collapsed and fell asleep. I was so sleepy after all...

~~~

...I remember one time, Dad decided to take me and Kim, who was only five at the time, to the zoo. Mom had to work that day, and we were feeling really depressed about it, so Dad decided that he’d take us to see the animals. I remember the excitement in the car, as it has been awhile since we went to the zoo. When we finally got there, we couldn’t wait to get inside and see all the animals. Dad had to yell at us to wait for him to catch up.

We spent the entire day looking at all the exhibits. We saw the rhinos, the lions, the monkeys, and all other sorts of cool animals. We even got to pet some of them. I remember eating at the zoo, and while I was eating, I could see other animals. I pretended to be an animal during its feeding session and started to graze at my fries. Kim thought that it was very funny and started doing the same thing. Dad laughed so hard that his face was turning red.

Later that day, I remember him buying us balloons. I remember that no sooner than when we got our balloons and went to the next exhibit, my balloon suddenly popped. It scared me at first, but then I realized that I didn’t have a balloon anymore and I started to cry. Dad turned around and realized what happened, so he took me back to get another balloon. I think they only cost a dollar, but back then I thought how much my dad must’ve loved me for getting me another balloon.

We spent the entire day there. Both Kim and I were reluctant to leave when Dad told us that it was time to go. We didn’t want to leave. I think Kim said that she wanted to sleep there overnight, like a slumber party with the animals. Dad promised that we would go back someday. Like the little kids we were, we said “When?” He said that he would bring us back “someday soon.” We were anxious at the prospect of that. We didn’t know when “soon” was. We thought that we could go back the following week. We never did go back...

~~~

All I saw was black. I didn’t know where I was. There were no trees, no houses, not even a sky or a ground. It seemed like I was simply floating in midair. I tried to call out to anybody but no sound came from my mouth. Was this death? Had I died...and not made it into heaven? But this couldn’t possibly be Hell. Not from all the preaches I heard from the priest at church. There wasn’t any fire, or brimstone, or lake of lava, or even Satan himself. Was I in Purgatory then? Was I awaiting my final judgment? What did I have to do in order to get in to heaven? I don’t want to go to Hell. Not after all the things I had to live through on Earth. But maybe my actions these past couple of days had proved that I was not pure enough to make it into heaven.

Suddenly, I saw a brilliant white light coming from my left. The warmth that radiated from it made me feel good all over. Then I saw a reddish light coming from my right. It was also very warm. Suddenly, I was confused as to which light I should go to. Naturally, I knew that I should go for the white light, but something in my soul was holding me back. It felt like I didn’t totally belong there, in the white light. Did I actually need to go for the reddish light? Do I truly belong there?

Just when I had about made my decision, I heard a voice. It was faint, but it was definitely a voice. A new light appeared to me. It wasn’t white or red. It didn’t seem to have a color at all. It was a light without a color. But I could still tell that it was a light. But this light did not produce a warmth to me. It was a dead light, with no color and no warmth. What could possibly be in it? Then I heard the voice again. It was coming from the dead light. I wanted to know what the voice was saying; who it belonged to. I was so curious as to the origin of the voice, that the other two active lights seemed less appealing to me now. I went for that dead, lifeless light; the one that had a voice...

When I opened my eyes, it was so much of a shock to me that I immediately started gasping for breath and sat upright. I guess that I had been lying down. As my breathing returned to normal, I started to focus my eyes, trying to search out that voice. My eyes wouldn’t focus though, and I could tell that many people were talking now, and that I was being moved about. I didn’t know where I was or where the voice was. I got sleepy again, and wanted to fall asleep, but I didn’t want to go back into the black void. I wanted to hear the voice again...

You know, that voice seemed like the same voice from my other dream...

~~~

I didn’t go back to the black place, but I didn’t hear the voice either. When I woke up, I found myself in bed. Wait, didn’t this already happen before? But I wasn’t in the spare bed in Anthony’s house this time. Looking at my surroundings, I could tell that I was in a hospital bed. There was an IV in my arm, which has always crept me out. There was no one else in the room. How did I go from being in the woods to being in a hospital? At least I felt warm. And, from the looks of it, I was finally out of those clothes I’ve been wearing for the past two days. I looked out the window. It was finally starting to snow. It was still dark outside. The clock next to me said that it was around three in the morning. I guess I should try to get some more sleep then. It wasn’t long before I dozed off again.

When I next awoke, I saw that nothing really changed. It was now morning outside, and the clock read 7:01AM.

“Shawn? You awake?” came a voice.

Wait, I know that voice. I looked over and, sure enough, there was Anthony, rising out of his chair. How long he’s been there, I don’t know. Why was he here? Don’t tell me that he rescued me again. That would be pathetic, on my part at least.

“Hey, buddy. How you doing?” he said, gently.

Since when did I become his ‘buddy’? No way am I going to tolerate another one of his seemingly random mood swings again.

“Anthony, just get out of here. I don’t know if you somehow saw me and brought me here, and if you did, then thanks I guess. But I do NOT want to see you anymore.”

There was a momentary silence before I heard him speak again.

“Well, what do you want me to say? Yeah, I was the one who found you, passed out face down on your mom’s driveway. And before you say anything, I went to the door and told the lady who answered it that someone was passed out on her driveway and I needed to use her phone. She saw you on the porch and immediately said that you were her son.”

He paused here for a chance to get his breath. Before I could say anything else, he continued.

“When the ambulance came, I just had to be right there next to you. I don’t know why, but I felt like I had to be there for you. I kept telling you to hold on. I didn’t want you to die. Nobody deserves to die. That’s why I came looking for you in the first place. If you were in better condition, I would’ve told you to go where my aunt lives. I still didn’t want you in my house.”

There he goes again, bringing back up the topic of that kiss in his bedroom. If he wants to completely forget about it, then why does he keep talking about it?

“Which is why you are coming home with me after you are released,” said a new voice.

We both turned around to see Mom standing there at the doorway. Anthony suddenly looked nervous, even a bit embarrassed.

“So...since you’re awake, I guess I can go now. I’ll see you later then, dude.”

Then he just got up and left. I didn’t know what to say. I certainly didn’t know how to stop him. I just...let him walk away. This left me alone with Mom.

“He’s a good young man,” she said, after he had left. “He really seemed to show some concern for you, even after the ambulances came. He keep asking if you were going to be okay. It’s nice to know that some people in this world can show kindness towards others.”

I didn’t like the tone in her voice. She was accusing me of not being nice to her! She completely forgot how she yelled at me the last time I saw her! And she obviously doesn’t know Anthony like I do.

“Don’t think that Anthony is some saint just because of one, little action. He is just as cruel and mean to me as you were!”

“When was I ever cruel and mean to you?! I have been nothing but nice and caring for you! But all you do is reject it and show nothing but your nasty side to both me and Kim!”

“When were you cruel?! How about when you yelled at me, saying that I was rude and disrespectful, and that I was being a hoodlum? How about when you refused to listen to anything I had to say...”

“That’s because you WERE, and still are, rude, disrespectful, and acting like a hoodlum. And you never had anything to say! You always shut yourself out from everybody else!”

“You know what? Just go. Just go back home and leave me here. You don’t have to pay the bill for this or nothing. Just go home; I don’t want to see you here anymore.”

“You will not just send me off on my merry way just because...”

I then pushed the communication button.

“Nurse? This visitor is bothering me. I want to have her removed.”

“WHAT?! I will not leave this room, mister! I’m still not done talking to you.”

“I’m sorry ma’am. But it sounds more like you’re yelling at him more than just talking to him. I’m going to have to ask you to leave now,” said the nurse.

“Wait just a minute here! I’m his mother!”

“I’m sorry, but if you’re making the patient uncomfortable, then even if you are the mother, you must leave.”

I was really starting to like this hospital. As my mother was led down the halls, arguing with the nurse, I lied back on my bed and started to relax. I flipped on the TV and watched some game show.