Black Star Cross - 12. Chapter 12

Black Star Cross

Chapter 12: Early Christmas Present

Life is hell. School is hell. My home, my new home with Emmy, is hell. Everything is just hell. Well, at least the swelling’s going down. And Emmy’s not badgering me about how I got the swelling in the first place anymore. But why does everything else have to be hell? If either Mom or Emmy heard me saying hell so many times, I’d get the hell beaten out of me! Haha. Owww...okay, so now is not the time to be trying to crack a joke here.

Christmas break is only a week away. What am I going to do during break? Mom’s not going to send anything. I can’t really go see her, or Kimberly, or any of our relatives that we usually see during the holiday break. I don’t think that Emmy’s got the money to buy me anything, not that I would want her to buy me anything expensive. She’s already got to buy presents for Stephanie and Erik, and she doesn’t have much money to spend. I really shouldn’t be thinking about presents this time of year. That isn’t really being in the “Christmas spirit,” is it?

I didn’t really do much this weekend. On Friday, a lot of people witnessed Anthony punching me in the face. Of course, people stopped to see if another fight would break out. And of course, no one tried to stop one from happening. Actually, I think people started crowding around us to try to provoke one.

Anthony looked around and saw all the people. He looked at me, saw blood coming out of my nose, freaked, and backed out of the crowd. He just ran down the halls, pushing aside anyone who was in his way. I just stood there, holding my nose, while everybody else just looked on in amazement. After that, they all just went back to what they were doing before, except now the conversations were a little more hushed and none of them were about what they had been before the supposed “fight.”

I didn’t bother to go to the nurse’s office. I just went to the bathroom to tidy myself up and went to my first class. I can honestly say that I, along with the rest of the class most likely, was surprised to see Anthony in there, back in his usual seat, way in the back, just like it was when the school year began. He was really serious about reverting back to our old bully/victim roles again.

For the rest of the day, he continued to harass me just like he’d always done, and nobody seemed to notice the sudden turnaround. When I got home, Emmy saw the messed up nose and demanded to know what happened. For some reason, I didn’t feel like ratting Anthony out, so I said that I walked straight into an opening door, and mashed my nose that way. I don’t know whether she bought it or not, but she seemed to let it go.

Nothing happened the next day. I just stayed home and did homework. It wasn’t like I had any plans or anything. I spent time with the kids. They seemed like a pretty good bunch. Not at all like I suspected them to be. They weren’t screaming shits at least. They seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, what little I said anyways.

It was the day after that something unusual happened. Anthony stopped by a little after noon. Emmy answered the door and let him in; otherwise, he never would’ve made it pass the door. I was upstairs in my room when he walked in. To say that I was surprised to see him would’ve been an understatement. I slowly backed into the wall connecting to the bed, ready to fight it out. Anthony must’ve seen that because he raised his arms up in a sign of peace.

“Dude, I’m not here to fight. I just want to say that I’m sorry for hitting you on Friday. It’s really been eating at me this entire time, dude. I really didn’t want to...”

“But you did it anyways, Anthony!” I was already raising my voice. So much for trying to be more civil towards him. “And let me guess. It was because everybody was looking at us and you had to go back into your ‘bully’ mode, right?”

He didn’t answer; he just stared down at the floor. Great, NOW he feels ashamed. Well guess what, asshole? It’s too little, too late.

“You know what? I’m tired of this. I’m tired of having to keep track of when I can let my guard down and when I can’t. I’m tired of trying to help you realize who you really are. Who knows? This just might BE who you really are: a scared, selfish, spoiled, little brat who’s too stubborn to let go of his own ‘pity me’ ideals. ‘Oh woe is me. Nobody can understand how I’m feeling. I’m all alone in this world. It’s them against me.’ That’s all a piece of bullshit and you know it, Anthony. How do you think I’VE been feeling for the past couple of years? And yet you don’t see me ready to jump off a bridge anytime soon. I learned to suck it up and get on with my life. I learned that the world isn’t the best place to grow up in, and I learned to live with that and roll with the punches.

I mean, geez Anthony, look at where I’m at right now. I’m not with my own family, in my own home, with very little of my own things. But I get by. I still do my homework at night. I still eat three meals a day. I still go to school and get an education. I’m not out in the streets anymore! You’ve got to do the same. You’ve got to get over this idea of yours that everybody’s out to get you; that the world is a horrible place, despite your best intentions.” I sighed. “I don’t feel like doing this right now, Anthony. Just, go home. Okay? Leave me alone. I need time to myself right now.”

There was a silence. I didn’t hear him moving. I turned over to see his face for the first time. He looked to be in deep thought. I hoped that something I said was getting through to him.

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” he said, quietly. It looked like he was totally dejected. He left the room and I could hear him saying goodbye to his aunt before leaving the house. That night, Emmy asked me what we talked about. She said that he looked extremely upset about something. I told her that it was nothing. Again, she decided to let it go.

The following school week was exams. I was not excused from them since I was only absent for three days. It was really hard trying to study for them with everything that’s been going on. Anthony still insisted on tormenting me in the halls, but now he did it to a lesser degree. Well, it’s a start. Nothing else of importance really happened.

~~~

The school week was over now. The exams were painstakingly hard, and I never want to take one ever again. So now I have more exams to look forward to in another six months. On the Sunday after exams, Emmy told me some startling news.

“It looks like Anthony will be staying with us for the next week or so. It appears that his mother is going to a funeral across seas, and the invites are only to people 21 and over. I know that we can squeeze him in here somewhere. Perhaps you can share your room with him? No sense in making him sleep in the laundry room.”

I knew that this was not up for debate, so I gave in quickly. Now I would have to spend the next week or two constantly being next to Anthony, with neither one of us really having anything else to do. This could get either really interesting or really disastrous. I was praying for the former.

Anthony came over the next day after school and sure enough, decided to share my bedroom with me for the remainder of his visit. I learned that he was an only child, so nobody else was coming with him. That was a relief. After he unpacked his things, Emmy brought out a cot from the closet and had us set it up in the bedroom. That way, Anthony wouldn’t be sleeping on the floor, and we wouldn’t have to share the single, small bed. After she left, it was just the two of us, sitting on our beds, not really daring to look at each other. Is this how it was going to be for the next week?

“So, what do you want to do, dude?” he asked, sheepishly.

“I don’t know. Nothing for us to really do,” I replied.

“Yeah.”

Silence.

“We could talk. Get to know each other, dude. I mean, we will be around each other for awhile, so I guess it makes sense that we should get to know each other better.”

I was up for this. He never said that anything we had to say had to be the truth.

“Okay. What do you want to talk about?”

“I dunno. What do you want to talk about?”

Ohhhhhh boy. This was going to be a really slow conversation at the pace we were going. But now that I think about it, he did just give me an opening to ask him some personal questions. Let’s see how he likes it when someone tries barging into his personal life.

“Well, how about telling me a little about your family? I never really met them, except for when I wound up at your house.”

I could tell without looking at him that he seemed rather nervous to be talking about this subject matter, especially with his mom already starting to suspect things between us. When I did look at him, he was full-on blushing. Now why would he be doing that? I suppressed my grin, seeing my plan working.

“Ummm...I think you already know the just of it, dude. There’s my mom and me.”

“And your dad?” I pried.

Suddenly, Anthony’s face took on the image of...something else. It was nothing I’ve ever seen on him before. Yet, it looked familiar to me. It really shocked the hell out of me.

“Yeah. And my dad too,” he replied, his voice dropping tone.

Wow. Even that was different. He quickly tried to change the subject.

“What about your family? All I know is that you used to live with your mom.”

I decided to play along, not wanting to hurt him anymore than I, unintentionally, already had.

“Yeah. And I told you about my dad. All that’s left is my kid sister, Kimberly.”

Silence, again. This really wasn’t working out well. Had we grown this far apart in such a short amount of time? What happened to that day in the hospital, when we were actually laughing? It was when I looked back at him that I saw a tear starting to form out of his eye. When he looked back at me, he saw that I noticed the tear and quickly rubbed it off.

“You know,” he said. “I really don’t think that your dad is thousands of miles away, somewhere on the other side of the world.”

Now talk about surprises. He didn’t believe my little lie? But why?

“What? Why would you say something like that?”

“I don’t know, dude. It’s just...something about the way you said it. I don’t know. I just didn’t believe it when you told me about him, dude. I just think that something else is going on here that you don’t want me to know about. I mean, I can see where you might want to lie to me about some things, but to lie about your dad? Come on. Tell me, dude. What’s he really like?”

Now he was barging in again. And this time, it was about Dad. I was NOT about to allow this to happen! Who does he think he is, trying to tell ME about lying about my dad when he CLEARLY was lying about his own?

“How dare you tell me that I’m lying about my dad when you seem to be doing the exact same thing to your dad!” I shouted.

“I never lied about him!” he said, surprised. “I just said that I had one!”

“Well how is...”

Wait. HAD one? Had, as in, past tense? I just stared, shocked, at Anthony, while he tried to process my face to see what was going on inside my brain. I think he finally figured it out when a look of horror swept across his face.

“No. NO! I didn’t mean it like that! I didn’t...no.”

He tried desperately to get out of his bed and across mine, trying to get out the door, but I held on to him when he tried climbing over me.

“Get the fuck off me!” he yelled.

“No! Tell me. What happened? I promise not to tell anyone else.”

Why was I so interested in this?

“NO! No one is supposed to know except Mom! Not you, not Aunt Emmy, no one!”

He then collapsed onto the bed and started to breathe deeply, like he was about to cry.

“No one...is supposed to know...that he didn’t...come back.”

Now curled up in the fetal position, he refused to make any movements or sounds. Just the deep breathing. I cradled him into my arms somehow and held on tight. Everything just seemed to go along naturally. I tried to process what he just said, about his dad not coming back. Then I remembered the room in his house, the one that didn’t seemed to be used in awhile. The one that felt so powerful to me when I first walked in it. The one with the closets and curtains closed. The one with so many pictures, all of them turned away from me.

Why didn’t he come back? Was he still there? Did he leave them all behind? Was he able to come back? All these questions filled my head and I wanted so desperately for Anthony to answer them, but the way he looked now, there was no way that he could possibly answer them without breaking down even worse. So I just held him until he started to feel better. But after holding on to him for a couple minutes, it looked like he was only getting worse.

“So are you happy now?” he said. His voice now sounded more angry than sad. “Is this how you want me to feel?! You said that I didn’t understand how you feel all the time! Well, here I am! On the verge of tears! All because you had to remind me about what I used to have! Is this how you feel?! Huh?! Is this how you WANT me to feel?!”

I tried to open my mouth, but Anthony blocked my opportunity.

“No. Shove it,” he said, his tone changing again to something cold, yet boiling mad at the same time.

“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear your sorry, lame-ass excuses and apologies. You’re really something, aren’t you? I bet you feel so high and mighty now, don’t you, you son of a bitch! You at least have a father! Even though he might not be there for you tonight, or tomorrow, he’s still there for you! He’s still somewhere on this Godforsaken Earth, and you could still possibly try to reach him if you really wanted to! I can’t! I can’t do that!”

Then, with his rage soothed down a little bit, he started talking more quietly, more like he was talking to himself.

“I loved my old man. I really looked up to him. Sure, he wasn’t the perfect dad, but he was still better than having none at all. I really wanted to be him. I wanted to go into the Army, just like he did. I wanted to be a man, to make something of myself, just like he did. At least, that’s what he should’ve done.”

And then there was no more. He stopped talking. He stopped moving. He stopped...everything. It was like he completely shut himself down. I don’t remember how long he was like this. I was truly stunned at what he just revealed to me. I had no idea that something like this could happen to somebody like Anthony. I just naturally assumed that everything in his life was handed to him, wrapped up in a little bow. That everything was perfect in his life. Like he couldn’t possibly comprehend the idea of a “bad thing.”

“You’re not the only one that has had a rough life, Shawn,” came his weak voice. “So tell me, what was your dad like?”

Should I tell him? Should I go along with my lie? Could I try to somehow combine the two?

“He w...” Whoops. Almost made the same mistake HE did. “Back when I knew him, he was the best man I knew. He was like the ultimate father figure, you know? I loved him too. He was always nice to us, all of us. He made us laugh, he showed unconditional love towards us. He taught us so many things. Kimberly and I really looked up to him. It...it really hurts, talking about him like this. It always does. I don’t like having to remember what it was like, before the crash.”

“Before the crash?”

“Yeah. Like, six years ago, there was a really bad storm. My dad and I went out to town to get supplies. When we were coming home, I told him that I thought I was gay. He just looked so pissed. I mean, he wouldn’t say anything to me. He wouldn’t even look at me! And then when we got home, he dropped me off and took off again. He said that he had some thinking to do. I told my mom what happened. I mean, I didn’t tell her that I was gay or anything; I just told her that Dad went to get some things. And she told me that he would be right back.

But the storm just kept getting worse. The power went out. Later on that night, we got a phone call from the police. They said that Dad got into an accident on the country road. They said that he was taken to the hospital. I remember being so worried about him. I remember thinking that if anything happened to his truck, that I would get blamed for it, and that I would get spanked really hard for it.”

I couldn’t help but to lightly chuckle at how juvenile that thought was back then.

“And when we got to the hospital, they led us to his room. The nurses and doctors didn’t say anything to us the entire time. I kept worrying that something bad was about to happen. And then we finally got to his room. I remember Kimberly was the first one to pass out. He didn’t even look recognizable to me. His body was so mangled up, tubes were connected all over him, there was still blood everywhere. Mom started crying the first moment she laid eyes on him. I remember being the only one who wasn’t reacting. I just stood there, taking in the entire scene, thinking how this was all my fault. The doctors said that he never stood a chance. He was practically dead the moment the collision happened.”

Now I was in tears. How did this happen? Why was I telling somebody, and out of everybody, Anthony, the truth? Why couldn’t I stop? I felt for sure that I was near squeezing him to death, with the tight choke hold I had on him.

“It was all my fault! I never should’ve told him that I was gay! That’s what caused it! If I never told him, then he wouldn’t have become all upset. He never would’ve had to go out in the storm and drive while he was angry at me. He would’ve been more focused on his driving! He would still be here! I would still have my dad! I would be happier! My entire life would’ve been better if I wasn’t gay! If I didn’t tell him about that! If I wasn’t gay, I would still have my dad.”

I was done now. I was tired. I finally got everything out. I held onto Anthony the best I could and cried till I couldn’t cry no more. I couldn’t feel it at the time, but Anthony was holding onto me too.

“Dude, I’m so sorry. I really am. I never meant to make you so upset. I didn’t know. I...I thought that it was something else, like he was always on business trips or something.”

He stopped to consider something before continuing on.

“My dad was supposed to come back years ago. He did, but not in the way that we were expecting. He came back in a box. That’s what was left of him. He was stationed at Iraq. He was on the front lines. He told me, before he left, that everything was going to be okay. Because he was a man. And a real man doesn’t die that easily. He would be home as soon as his job there was finished. Then he would help me enlist for when I turn eighteen. I never thought about the possible dangers involved. I just assumed that he would go over there, shoot some stuff, be called a hero, and return home with a medal. I didn’t know that the last time I would see him would be at the airport. If I knew...I would’ve done things differently. I would’ve said things differently. I wouldn’t have let him go. I wouldn’t care about all that ‘manly’ crap; I would just want him to stay. Heh, guess that’s why I’m not so patriotic or a big fan of this stupid country anymore.”

Throughout all this, Anthony was still in my arms. He didn’t try to struggle. At least he wasn’t ready to bawl anymore. I wasn’t. We both seemed to calm down after letting out so much repressed feelings; albeit, not for each other, like I had hoped. We just laid there on my bed, content on just laying there. I don’t know why I did it, or what provoked me to do so, but while we were lying there, I leaned down and kissed the top of Anthony’s head. It seemed like a simple, natural gesture to me. It just felt so...appropriate to do. Of course, after I did it, I was afraid of his reaction. I was afraid that he’d go on another “I’m not gay” speech and run screaming out the room again. This is what I was expecting. What I wasn’t expecting was for him to tighten his grip on my hand, which I suddenly realized was there, and look up at me. But he didn’t have a face of fear, angst, confusion, or any of that stuff. I couldn’t quite place what emotion was on it at the time, but I knew that I welcomed it. The events that followed all seemed to blend together in a whirlwind of emotions.

In what felt like no time at all, Anthony raised his head to meet mine at eye level and dove in for a real kiss. This was not something I had planned on. There was no convincing on my part for him to do this. This was all on his own. That is what was confusing me. But then I realized that I should stop thinking and start enjoying what was happening. Anthony was kissing me! Willingly!

Hey now! What is that? Is he serious?! Oh my God, I think he is! He was trying to slip me some tongue! I automatically remembered how this happened the last time we kissed, and how I denied his entry. Well, that’s not going to happen this time! If Anthony wants to play hardcore, then we’ll play hardcore!

By this time I think both of us were consumed with a passion neither of us felt we had. There might’ve been some lust thrown into the mix as well. We were making out pretty hard. Both of us had each other’s tongue in our mouth, and both of us could barely keep our groaning down to a low roar. In the back of my mind, I worried about what might happen if Emmy or the kids come upstairs or hear any of this. But then Anthony’s tongue maneuvered back into my mouth and I forgot all about it.

Just like before, hands were grabbing everywhere and every few seconds, someone new wound up on top of the other. He still smelled that same intoxicating aroma as he did the last time, and he tasted no less delicious. But now things were starting to take a new twist. Apparently, Anthony was feeling a little more “relaxed” than he thought he was, for now his kisses were directed towards my chin and neck. Not one to complain, I let his lips go wherever they wanted. Wow, this is starting to feel REAL good! And I thought that the kisses alone would take me sky-high. I think I always knew that Anthony was great with his lips, but now I know that I have proof!

I don’t think I was even mentally there anymore. I was just drifting along, enjoying the ride as Anthony made sweet love to me with his mouth. And he hasn’t even taken his or my shirt off yet. Oh wait. There we go. Yeah. Anthony just removed my shirt. I don’t think he could’ve waited any longer, the way that he almost practically tried to rip it off of me. And then...

“Ohhhhhhhhh!!! Yeah!” I moaned.

I never knew that having your nipples licked would be so arousing!

“Mmmmmmm...” he mumbled.

His tongue, his expert tongue, was now flicking at my nips, which were as erect as I was by now. Oh yeah, I could definitely see myself getting used to this!

“Ahhhh!”

Holy fuck! What did he just do?! Whatever it was, it felt so good that I involuntarily bucked up at him, which only made the feeling even better! There! He did it again! What was that? Oh wow. He’s nibbling on my nipples now! This is so hot! I never knew that I could get turned on by this so easily! Does that make me a slut? Doesn’t matter right now! I was grabbing onto him, on his butt no less, and trying to grind into him as hard as I could! And I don’t think I even knew it! It was all instinct for me.

Anthony’s conquest wasn’t done with just yet. He was gradually working his way down my chest, all the while his hands kept themselves busy by brushing and stroking over every square inch of my body, front and back. Now his tongue was dipping into my bellybutton. He kept darting it in and out; he was fucking my naval with his tongue! I don’t know why, but that registered as “hot” to me as well. I was starting to think that everything that Anthony did, no matter how mundane, was going to be “hot” for me. After he gave my entire chest a tongue bath, there was only one place left to go: down.

By now I’ve had all I could take. I regained control of my arms and grabbed at the bottom of Anthony’s shirt. I tugged them up, signaling that I wanted it off and NOW! He readily complied with no resistance. Off came the shirt and down came his mouth, resting on mine again as we started invading each other’s mouths once more. More new sensations were being felt. My nipples graced his, causing a low groan to escape my mouth. Our bodies pressed tightly against each other, giving the other its body warmth. It was like two pieces of a puzzle; our bodies fit each other perfectly.

Okay, now we were coming to the main event. Anthony’s face left mine as his hands searched for the buttons to my pants. His eyes never left mine. Upon finding the magic button, he tried every conceivable way to unbutton them, but in his current state of mind, couldn’t focus enough to accomplish the task. I was about to do it for him when he finally figured it out and got them undone and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, I saw probably one of the best sights I’ll ever see. Anthony was staring down at my crotch, my pants undone and exposed, with the briefs that Emmy gave me tenting up so high, it looked like a snow-capped mountain. The entire area was already wet. I was afraid, for a second, that I had already spent my load and just wasted it all for nothing. But I was still hard, so I figured that it was just precum coming out of Shawn Jr. It suddenly dawned on me that I really hadn’t beat off in about a week. It’s no surprise, what with all that’s been happening to me, that I would have no time or incentive to get me aroused.

Lower his face went. I couldn’t believe how slowly it was going. Everything seemed to be in slow-motion. Lower, Anthony, lower. You’re almost there. I started to raise my hips up so that I could shorten the distance. Now his face was right on top of it. It wasn’t touching, but you couldn’t tell by sight alone. Then he took a deep breath in. He was sniffing me; inhaling my scent. I seem to recall him doing this the last time as well. If my upper body smell could turn him on the last time, just think what my lower region smell must be doing to him right now. He rested his hands on my inner thighs. This was it. It’s finally going to happen. He’s going to do it. I finally reached him; finally got him out of his shell; finally got him to admit that he likes me more than just a friend. We’re finally going to be together, like I always wanted.

Just before his mouth touched my crotch, we both heard rampant footsteps coming from just outside the door. This was accompanied by the juvenile screaming coming from Stephanie and Erik.

“Give it back, Erik! Give it back!”

“Nah-nah! You have to catch me first!”

“I’ll tell Grandma!”

“What’s going on up there?” came Emmy’s voice from downstairs.

Needless to say, this snapped both of us out of whatever lusty mood we were in. Anthony took one look at where his mouth was about to go and flung himself to the other side of the room. The color drained out of his face and I started worrying that he would start throwing up again. Obviously, I was no longer hard either.

“What...what just happened? What did we do? What...how...I...no...”

“Anthony, nothing happened. Nothing really. All we did was kiss...”

“KISS?! We fucking made-out! I fucking stuck my tongue down your throat!” he interjected.

“Okay, we made-out. It’s not like we had full-blown sex,” I tried to say in a calm manner. That wasn’t working well with him though.

“But we would’ve!” he said, still in a loud voice.

“Do you mind lowering your voice? I don’t want anybody to be hearing this conversation either.”

That logic got through to him, for the next time he spoke, it was in a much quieter voice.

“We would’ve, Shawn. We would’ve gone all the way. Don’t you see where that could’ve been a problem?”

At least he was gaining color back into his face, and he seemed like he was thinking normally again. Maybe it is possible to have a civil conversation about this. Anthony took a deep sigh before continuing on.

“I don’t think that, if the kids hadn’t come along, I would’ve stopped. I don’t think that I would want to have stopped. I would’ve done it. I would’ve gone all the way. I would’ve given you ‘oral sex’.”

“It’s called a blowjob. Get with the times,” I said, trying to lighten the mood with some humor. It didn’t work.

“How can you think that any of this is funny?! Did YOU want any of this to happen?”

Then came the moment of realization.

“Oh God. You did. Didn’t you? You WANTED me to go all the way! You had complete control the entire time, and could’ve stopped me at any point, but no. YOU were too mixed up in your own selfish, dirty fantasy to care about how I might’ve felt about all this!”

Now I’ll admit that I did have somewhat more control over what just happened a few minutes ago, but it wasn’t like I was forcing him to do anything! Everything that he did was by his own accord! Now he was trying to pass the blame onto me! That bastard is NOT going to get away with this! It’s time he faced up to the music.

“Listen to me, Anthony! I had NO say in what you did! I was just as lost in the moment as you were! Everything you did, you wanted to do! Do NOT go blaming me for your own actions! It’s time you started figuring out who you are! Who you really are! It’s time you started looking at yourself and analyzing your actions as of late. Not only did you kiss me, but you also showed great concern for my well-being, you’ve always tried to be there for me, you’ve made-out with me, you gave me a home when I didn’t want to go back to my own, and just now, you willingly tried to have sex with me! All the while still being a relatively stranger to me! I’m not surprised that it’s led to this! You love me. But you just can’t admit it to yourself because you’re too afraid of being, being called, being associated with, or anything having to do with being gay!”

The look on his face spoke volumes to me. He knew that everything I was saying was true. He was shocked that I was willing to bring the rather obvious out in the open like this. I’m willing to bet that he would want all of this to go back to the recesses of our heads and never be brought up again...at least until the next time he slips up and actually does go all the way with me.

“Why can’t you see this?” he said, in a surprisingly timid voice. “Why can’t you see that if I DO this, accept this and tell everybody, that I’ll lose everything? I don’t want that, Shawn. I don’t want my whole world to change. I like how it is now. And if I start telling people that I’m in a relationship with you, my world’s going to change. And not for the better.”

“Didn’t you ever stop to think that maybe MY world would change too? I’m just as afraid as you are, Anthony. Nobody knows about this side of me, except you. But I’m ready to face those challenges. I know that it won’t be easy, but I also know that I can get through them.”

I could understand where Anthony was coming from. He was one of the most popular guys in school. Everybody knows his name. And after being in the spotlight for so many years, he’s gotten used to everybody loving him and things being handed to him. If he comes out, if he announces that he has a relationship with me, a nobody loser who, even worse, is a guy, or if he gets caught being affectionate with me, it’s over. He really does lose everything. I highly doubt that the students are as open-minded as I had hoped. He’ll surely lose most, if not all, of his high-status friends, he’ll be made fun of, something he’s clearly not used to, and his life will generally take a turn for the worse. He’ll start experiencing it like I have every day for the past four years. But if he keeps all that, then that means that he’ll be losing out on having a great relationship with somebody that he truly, deeply cares for. And the heart can only take so much abuse.

Anthony was now sitting on his own bed again, staring out the window. He was obviously in deep thought, thinking about his predicament. What could I do to help him through this? I never had this many problems when I was going through the realization stage. All I could think to do was to simply be there for him. Let him know that I care, you know? So while Anthony sat next to the window, face blank while his head was racing with emotions, I went over and sat next to him. Our time to talk was over. Now, it’s all up to Anthony. We don’t have to go back to school for another two weeks. In that time, something will be established between us. Whether I’ll like what that establishment will be, I don’t know.

I put an arm around Anthony’s shoulder, telling him that I still existed and would be there for him. As I too, looked out the window, I could feel him fighting with his emotions, until his heart eventually won over, and he laid his head on my shoulder.