Flux - 14. Chapter 14

June 21, 2002

Boston, MA

Matt

“I’ll be right back,” I said, but they didn’t hear me. Tiffany, Wade, and JJ were busy looking at plans for the townhouse in Harvard Square. The contract to buy it had been accepted, and Wade planned to close within the week. After that, there would be a considerable amount of work to be done to make it just how they wanted it. That meant Wade would have to spend time hiring and supervising contractors, and arranging to have their stuff moved here. They were discussing exactly what had to be changed while they ate breakfast. Based on all the things they wanted to do to the house, he’d be pretty busy.

I’d felt like I didn’t belong here with them from the very beginning of this trip, but now that we were here and they’d gotten the house, I felt completely irrelevant. We’d sat there at breakfast this morning, and no one had talked to me at all. It was a painful reminder that I wasn’t involved in Wade’s life here in Boston. There was no reason for me to stick around and torture myself.

I went into the room I shared with Wade and pulled out my laptop. I logged onto Expedia.com and booked myself out on a flight to LA that afternoon. The next step was to get out my suitcase and pack. I started that project, and then took a break to shower and get ready. I paused to look in the mirror and admire myself, and then almost chuckled at how narcissistic I was. I knew I had flaws, and that I’d fucked up my relationship with Wade, but I’d started to move beyond that. I was a good-looking guy, with a great body. That took hard work, but it was worth it. And this deal with Wade and Brad had shown me that I wasn’t the only one who had fucked up. No matter what happened next in my life, I’d be doing it without Wade. I finished packing up my clothes and my toiletries. I’d brought a lot of stuff with me, thinking that I’d be here for a while. Based on how brief this trip would be, I could have taken a carry-on, I thought ruefully. It said a lot that I’d done all this and they hadn’t even noticed that I wasn’t there.

Wade came breezing into the room, talking over his shoulder to Tiffany and JJ as he did. “I think I left those other plans in my briefcase.” He saw me standing there with my suitcase and my backpack and just froze. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to LA,” I said. “I’m meeting up with Will and Zach.”

“I thought you were going to stay here for at least the week,” he said.

I shook my head. “You don’t need me here. I’m just in the way.”

“That’s not true,” he objected.

I put my backpack down and walked up and hugged him. “Your move to Boston is all about you, not me. I’m not part of this life.”

“Don’t you think you’re being just a little bit sensitive?” he asked. “I mean, I’m sorry if I haven’t been able to spend all my time with you, but I’m pretty busy. I just bought a house, and I have to get this shit organized.” I didn’t know if he was sad that I was leaving, or if he was just feeling guilty, but his bitchiness told me it was probably one of those emotions.

I walked over and shut the door, then came back and stood in front of him. “I’m not being sensitive, I’m being realistic. You told me we were over. You told me that I wasn’t part of your life here. I didn’t want to believe it, but now I do. You were right.”

He looked down, as if to collect his thoughts, and then looked back up at me. “I was worried about this. That I was leading you on.”

“Wade, this is not your fault. You were honest with me. I just didn’t want to accept that it was true.”

“That what was true?”

“That we’re over,” I said. “We’ll always have a connection, and I hope that we’ll always be friends, but it’s time for me to move on.” He swallowed when I said that, and his lip quivered a bit, but then his stoic shields went back up.

“So we’re not friends with benefits?” he asked playfully.

“We’re friends with benefits,” I said, smiling at him.

“I really thought you’d have fun here,” he said. “I didn’t think it would upset you.”

“Wade, if you and I were moving here together, this would be an incredibly fun time. I’d be there with you guys, figuring out how things were set up, and helping you plan our home. But I’m not moving here with you. You don’t want me here. You’ve made that clear. You want me to be in Chicago.”

“I wanted you to do what was best for you,” he said firmly.

“I guess that’s what I’m doing,” I said. “Besides, even if you asked me to change things and move here, I wouldn’t.”

“This is all because I slept with Brad, isn’t it?” He was being bitchy again, but this time I knew it was guilt that was driving it.

“Dude, I don’t get this. You got what you wanted. You didn’t want to be with me anymore. You wanted me to live in a different city. I’m cool with it. Why are you arguing with me?”

“I’m not arguing you; I just want to know what’s changed.”

I sighed. “It has a lot to do with the deal with Brad.”

“How can you throw rocks at us, after what you did to Will?”

That pissed me off. “Because you sat there, condemning me like a fucking judge, while all the time you were doing the same fucking thing. I’m not mad at you, I’m disappointed in you. I’ve lost a lot of respect for you. Not because you fucked him, but because you were such a hypocrite.” That impacted him about as much as if I’d slapped him.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” he said in a snippy way, because I’d hit him pretty hard with that comment. “Brad and I are done. We aren’t together. I don’t know what more you want from me.”

“It’s not what I want from you, it’s what you want from me,” I said.

“What do I want from you?”

“You want me to tell you it’s OK for you two to keep on fucking. You want me to have some big revelation where I decide that since we’re not together anymore, it’s not a big deal. You’ve been angling for me to do that ever since I found out. You know it, and I know it.”

“It’s over. We can’t be together,” he said unconvincingly, referring to him and Brad.

“That’s not what I said. You can’t be together because if you are, the entire family will turn on Brad and condemn him. He’s already lost an enormous amount of respect, especially from Will. He’s not willing to risk that. Not for anyone. Not for you,” I said. “The only thing that might make it alright is if I said I was cool with it.”

“But you’re not,” he said, and it pissed me off because he had a hint of hopefulness in his tone, as if his statement would prompt me to change my mind.

“I’m not,” I confirmed. “And I’m not going to be cool with it.”

Neither one of us said anything for a bit. “That’s fine. Like I said, it’s over.”

“Good luck in Boston,” I said, and picked up my backpack.

“Do you still want me to come to Chicago with you?” It wasn’t the question that he asked; it was the look in his eyes as he asked it. He didn’t want to lose me completely, and I didn’t want to lose him either.

“I want you to come see me after I’m settled in,” I said. “It would be weird for you to be there when I was trying to decide where to live, just like this is weird for me.”

“I can see that,” he said.

“You said that part of you would always love me,” I said. “I feel the same way.” He smiled slightly, and I leaned in and kissed him, a nice kiss, but one without passion.

“I do love you,” he said.

“And I love you.” Only that wasn’t enough for either one of us right now. “Are you going to Claremont for the 4^th?”

“I’m not sure,” he said.

“Well, if I don’t see you there, I’ll see you at Escorial for the Bastille Day party,” I said. I gave him a final kiss, grabbed my bags, and went out to say goodbye to Tiffany and JJ. They must have figured out that Wade and I had had a relatively intense conversation, so neither one of them gave me too much shit about leaving.

Going through security at the airport was a royal pain in the ass, reminding me again of how nice it was to travel on private planes. There was a talkative businessman sitting next to me in First Class, so I pretended to be asleep to avoid listening to his rambling. It was kind of funny that my act actually ended up becoming reality, and I slept most of the way to LAX. I got there just in time for traffic, which was really bad planning on my part. I sat in the back of the limo and tried to take stock of my life, and to decide how I felt about things. I came up with one word to describe it: limbo. I was in limbo.

For the first time since I was eighteen, I wasn’t with someone. I guess that since Wade and I had had an open relationship, it shouldn’t seem that different, but it did. I always knew that Wade would be there for me, and I would always be there for him. We were together. My identity was tied up in him. I was part of ‘Matt and Wade’, not just Matt. It felt really strange to be just Matt again. Part of me felt lonely, which made sense, since I was alone. Another part of me felt free. Liberated. I clung onto that and resolved to maintain my freedom. I wasn’t going to jump into another relationship; not for a long time. I didn’t want that. I wasn’t ready for that.

The limo pulled up in front of the familiar house in Malibu Colony, the one that looked relatively mundane until you went inside. I punched in the code and walked through the front door and took in the perfect décor, the tasteful artwork, and the spectacular view of the ocean. The impact was almost overwhelming, but before I could really appreciate the scenery, I was taken aback when I realized how awkward this could be. I’d always thought of this as one of my homes, but it wasn’t. It was Brad’s house. I stood there, weighing whether or not to leave and go to a hotel, when Will and Zach came charging down the stairs, with all the exuberance of teenagers. I smiled at how strange it looked for them to be charging around this palace like they were at Wally and Clara’s.

Will saw me first. “Matt!” He came over and gave me a big hug, and it felt so good, I just held onto him for a little longer than I normally would. It was so nice to be at a relatively good place with him. I gave Zach a much less exuberant hug. Damn, that boy was sexy.

“You’re just in time for dinner,” Zach said, with his melodic deep voice.

“Now that is good timing,” I agreed.

“Come eat, and then I’ll help you unpack,” Will said. “I’m good at keeping you organized.”

“Yes you are,” I agreed. We went into the kitchen and said hello to Rosa, who had been here forever, cooking and taking care of these guys. “So what’s our plan?”

“We’re meeting with Zach’s agent tomorrow morning, and then we’re flying up to Paly,” Will explained.

“He’s not my agent, he’s my advisor,” Zach emphasized. For some reason, this terminology issue was important.

“We’re meeting with Zach’s advisor,” he corrected. “After that, we’re on Grand’s schedule.”

“I’m sure he has it all worked out,” I joked. JP was nothing if not organized. He was just like Wade. For the first time that I could remember, I thought about Wade without longing for him.

“Barry wants us to meet him at his office at 10am,” Zach told Will.

“Call Barry back and tell him he can meet us here,” Will insisted.

“It’s a pretty long drive from his office,” Zach said.

“It’s just as long for him as it is for us,” Will said. “Tell him he’s coming to us.”

“I don’t think he’ll like that,” Zach said nervously. “We don’t have anything going on. It’s not a big deal.”

“He can come to us,” Will insisted. Zach made to argue, but Will stopped him. “He works for you. You don’t work for him.”

Zach look confused, but I got what Will was doing. He was good at this shit, which made sense, since he’d grown up around JP, Stef, and Brad. “It’s a power thing. You’re sending a message to him so he doesn’t fuck with you,” I explained.

“I don’t know,” Zach said nervously.

“If he doesn’t like it, I’ll talk to him,” Will said, being incredibly cocky. “There are other advisors out there.”

Zach’s eyes narrowed. “I thought we talked about how you weren’t going to fuck with my career?”

“I’m not allowed to help you out?” Will asked. “Call him and tell him to meet us here. My dad may be back by then, and he’ll want to meet this guy too. Ask him if he wants to piss my dad off.”

“He’ll be wondering if he’ll end up in Afghanistan if he does,” Zach joked. I didn’t get their joke, but I was too freaked out to pay attention anyway.

“When does your dad get home?” I asked, unable to hide the apprehension in my voice.

“Tomorrow morning. At least that’s his plan,” Will said.

“Maybe I’ll just go ahead and go up to Paly,” I said.

“Your call,” he said. “It will look like you’re running away.”

He could be such a little shit sometimes, especially when he pushed all the right buttons like he’d just done. He’d set it up so if I left, I’d be acting like a coward. I gave him a dirty look. “I’m not running away. When you were avoiding me, you weren’t running away.”

It was fun to annoy him as much as he’d just annoyed me. “Whatever.” We finished eating, thanked Rosa, and went out onto the deck to smoke a joint and watch the sun set. “I talked to my dad about all this shit.”

“Good for you,” I said, sounding like a smart ass, and acting like I didn’t give a shit.

“I asked him if I could talk to you about it.”

“Why? When I’m ready to talk to him about it, I’ll talk to him,” I said. I was being pretty bitchy, so it was no surprise that Will pushed back.

“Seriously? You’re giving me shit?”

“You’re butting into my business,” I said, trying to sound all tough. It didn’t convince either one of us.

“Look, you don’t have any right to go off on me. I’m just trying to tell you what’s going on. The only thing you acting all outraged does is make you a fucking hypocrite. You want to go down that road?” he demanded loudly. I stared at him, remembering that I’d just bitched at Wade about that this morning. “You don’t get to carry a grudge about this.”

“You did,” I said.

“I did until you apologized, and you stopped fucking Tony,” he said. “Is Dad still fucking Wade?”

“He wants to. They both want to. Wade’s been trying to get me to say that it’s OK,” I spat. “I spent the last five months trying to work back to a good place with Wade, when the whole time my fucking step-father was cock-blocking me.”

“He told me he did it for two reasons,” Will said, then left it there, forcing me to ask him what those reasons were. I was too curious not to bite.

“Alright, what were the two reasons,” I said as I rolled my eyes.

“He did it because they were both pretty fucked up, and he and Wade have a pretty tight bond. It helped them both out.”

“That’s so fucking beautiful,” I snarled. He laughed, which surprised me, and pissed me off a bit. “What?”

“That’s pretty much the same thing I said to him, in just about the same tone,” he said. That actually made me smile slightly, and it was nice to have my feelings validated. “I think the other reason was more important.”

“And that was?”

“To get back at Robbie,” he said. I just stared at him, stunned.

“By hurting me?” He nodded. “What the fuck?”

“When he told me, and he talked about this, he lost it, just completely broke down. None of us knew that he had these feelings buried, and neither did he,” Will said. “He was really pissed at Robbie for going back up those stairs, and for deserting him.”

“I thought that was noble, that he went back up to try and save your mom and Hank,” I said.

“I told him that if Robbie wouldn’t have done that, he would have been miserable, and wouldn’t be able to live with himself. And Dad just fell apart. He said that was all fine and good for Robbie, so he goes off and does the hero thing, and gets killed. Only now, he left Dad behind, and put the emotional hell on him. So instead of Robbie living and being miserable, he died, and now Dad is miserable.”

“Dude,” I said, not getting it.

“Robbie didn’t think about Dad, or the rest of us, at least in Dad’s mind. He just went up the stairs, and left the rest of us to deal with the carnage,” Will said.

“Do you really think that’s reasonable?” I asked skeptically.

“I don’t think even Dad thinks it’s reasonable. But that’s where his mind was at. That’s how he felt,” Will said. “He probably feels like he had to jump in and clean up Robbie’s mess for him again, only this time, he’s all alone.”

“That’s not really fair,” I objected. Brad tended to blame Robbie for all their problems.

“How fucked up were you when Wade dumped you?” Will demanded.

“Pretty fucked up,” I was forced to admit.

“Think about how Dad felt. You at least had a chance to work things out with Wade. Dad lost Robbie forever.” That last sentence sat there, depressing all of us. I didn’t say anything for a bit, until I started feeling sorry for Brad. That got me really annoyed; since I wasn’t convinced he deserved my sympathy.

“So what am I supposed to do? Give him a big hug, tell him I understand, and forgive him?” I asked acidly.

“Didn’t Will do that for you?” Zach asked. I stared at Zach, blinking, trying to grapple with this.

“You reminded him so much of Robbie, that I think it was easy to lash out at you, at least subconsciously,” Will said.

“Why couldn’t he have just fucked me instead,” I joked, getting a chuckle from them.

“Maybe he could have stuck his fist up your ass,” Will joked back.

“I think I would have liked that better,” I said, grimacing. “So I’m just supposed to blow this whole thing off, and move on?”

“Yep,” Will said. Once again there was a subtle reminder there that I wasn’t innocent and that I’d done almost the same damn thing to him. I’d fucked Tony to drive Will and the rest of them away. Brad had fucked Wade to get back at Robbie.

“This is so fucked up,” I said, stating the obvious.

“That’s why we have to just write it off and move on,” Will said. “I talked to Grand about it, and he said that in his mind, he’d taken into account all of the shit we had to deal with, and made allowances for that. He concluded that it was best to just decide it’s over.”

“So you’re saying that I should write all of this off, and forgive your dad, just like you forgave me?” I asked, just to set him up.

“That’s what I’m saying,” he said.

“And I should do the same thing, and forgive Wade, just like you forgave Tony?”

That really pissed him off, because I had him, and he knew it. “There are other issues with Tony.”

“Isn’t that sort of like saying ‘that’s different’, you know, like when your dad or JP says that?” I taunted.

“Tony’s not a family member,” he objected.

“He’s actually kind of like your uncle,” I said. He was Sam’s son, and Sam had been JP’s partner.

“Give me a fucking break,” Will said, pretty exasperated with my reasoning. “Every time I’ve been his friend, he’s fucked me over. So I don’t want to be his friend.”

“Did he fuck you over when you were friends, or did he fuck you over when you were more than friends?” I asked.

“What’s the fucking difference?”

“It’s one thing to be friends with someone, where that’s as far as the feelings go. It’s different when you’re with someone.”

“Oh I get it,” he said. “He fucked me over when we were involved, so I’m supposed to assume that if we’re just friends, he’s suddenly all trustworthy?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I think you could give him a chance to be a friend.”

“I don’t know,” Will said, shaking his head.

“Besides, you don’t want to fuck him anyway. Why would you, when you have Zach?” I joked.

“Seriously,” Zach said arrogantly, making us all laugh.

“That’s a good point,” Will said, smiling at Zach.

“What you’re saying is that if Will forgives you and Tony, you’ll forgive Brad and Wade?” Zach asked, for clarity. I wondered if he really knew how involved Tony and Will had been.

Will and I just looked at each other, while we digested that deal. It really wasn’t a big deal to me, since I’d already given Wade a pass, and I knew that I had to get back to some sort of relationship with Brad. That was a requirement, if for no other reason, than for family harmony. It would be impossible for us to be feuding at family gatherings, and I didn’t want to create that kind of drama and discomfort. I also knew that it really bothered Tony that Will hated him. It’s not like Tony wanted to start dating Will again, but when he’d talked about Will, he’d done it with wistful eyes, and I could tell Will was important to him. Will may have gotten over Tony, but Tony hadn’t gotten over Will. If I could work this out, and help heal that wound, it would do a lot to repay Tony for being a good friend to me. “That’s what I’m saying.”

“I’ll think about it,” Will said.

“Your dad gets home tomorrow. You gonna let me know before then?”

“What do I have to do for Tony?” Will asked. “I’m not going to fuck him.”

“He’s not asking you to do that!” Zach snapped. I couldn’t help it; he was so obviously jealous that I started chuckling. “What?”

“You’re adorable,” I said. That made Will laugh too.

“Fuck you,” Zach said.

“Dude, I am not doing that. I’m not starting this whole awful cycle all over again,” I said, winking at him. I refocused on Will. “Invite him to the Bastille Day party. Be nice to him. Ask him how his summer is going. Treat him like everyone else.”

“Like that will be enough,” he grumbled. “I’ll have to have this big, deep conversation with him.”

“Send him an e-mail. It’s kind of tacky, but it’s easier for both of you,” I said. Tony had shown me the prior e-mails he and Will had exchanged. He saved them, and I got the feeling that he cherished them, even the really bitchy ones.

“You make it sound like this is a big deal to him. He doesn’t give a shit about me, and I don’t think he ever did. Every time I’ve trusted him, he’s shit on me,” Will said, getting a new rush of defiance.

“Let’s review. When he’s fucked you over in the past, it’s been more as a boyfriend, not as a friend.”

“They aren’t really easy to separate,” he said. I could see that. It would be tough for me to do that with Wade.

“You know how he is, how closed up he is,” I said. I fixed my eyes on Will, drilling into him. “This is a big deal to him. This really bothers him.”

He swallowed hard, and sighed, trying to let go of his anger. “Carrying a grudge hurts the person who carries it more than the person you’re pissed at,” Zach said.

“You said it yourself. There’s been too much shit that has happened. We need to put it behind us all and move on,” I insisted. I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder. “Ease his pain.”

He stood up and held out his hand to me. “Deal?”

I stood up and shook his hand. “Deal.” We just grinned at each other as we stood there, thinking about the conversations we’d both have to have to make this deal legit.

“I thought you were supposed to be in Boston until next week,” Zach said, changing the subject as Will and I sat back down.

I allowed my mind to shift gears. “I felt like a third wheel. They didn’t need me there, and they didn’t want me there.”

“I’m sure they liked having you around,” Will said.

I shook my head. “Wade has been trying to convince me that we were over since Christmas, but I didn’t want to believe it. Seeing him there in Boston, getting his new life all organized, it was pretty obvious.”

“Dude, I’m sorry,” Will said, and put his arm around me.

“I think this thing with Wade and your dad finally shocked me out of my obsession with Wade. I’d actually had both of them up on a pedestal, and they just came crashing down.”

Will nodded. “I feel exactly like that.”

“So what does that mean?” Zach asked, confused.

“It means that when I deal with Wade and my dad, I’m seeing them as equals, not as some amazing sages that I have to bow down to,” Will said.

“Dude, when did you ever bow down to them?” I asked, laughing.

“It’s a figure of speech,” he said, flipping me off.

Zach’s phone rang and he answered it and walked away from us. We just sat there, enjoying the sound of the Pacific, and the relative tranquility. For the first time in a long time, I felt almost at peace. I hoped that once I worked things out with Brad, that peace would be more permanent.

“That was Barry,” Zach said. “My advisor,” he explained to me.

“What did he want?” Will asked.

“He said he’d meet us here, but he wasn’t happy about it,” Zach explained.

“Afghanistan,” Will said, cracking us up. “Dude, this is important.”

“Pissing off my advisor is important?” he asked, and clearly he was annoyed.

“Yeah,” Will said. “He jumped on the bandwagon with your parents, and totally let them use him to pull us apart.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Zach objected.

“Yes it was,” Will said firmly.

“So what you’re saying is that by doing this, you’re sending a message to Barry that he works for you, and that he’d better not do that kind of bullshit again,” I said to Zach, summarizing things for him just like he’d done for me a bit ago.

“My parents are nice people,” he objected.

“No one’s saying they’re not,” Will said. “I don’t get along with them, and even I think they’re nice people. That’s not what this is about. You want control of your career. You have to take it. That’s what’s going on here.”

“Oh,” Zach said sheepishly. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Will said. He sighed and stood up. “Guess I’ve got an e-mail to write.” I had it a little tougher. I actually had to have a conversation with Brad. Zach followed Will into the house and left me alone out on the deck. I spent some time, just spacing out, and then I pulled out my phone and called Wade.

“Hello,” he said, and sounded a little groggy.

“Did I wake you up?” I looked at my watch and it was almost 9:00 here, which meant it was almost midnight in Boston. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about the time change.”

“I just went to bed, it’s no big deal.”

“I thought I’d let you know that I made it out here just fine.”

“Cool,” he said, and seemed to be in a pretty good mood, now that he was more awake.

“Did you get all your plans worked out?”

“Yeah, even though JJ was a royal pain in the ass,” he said, cracking me up. “Dude, I am not sure how I am going to deal with him. I’m not ready for bitchy teenagers.”

“You dealt with Will really well,” I observed.

“They are completely different, so different,” he said. Wade could handle Will’s moods, because he pretty much spoke his mind, and was relatively reasonable. JJ could just be flat out petulant and bitchy, and for no reason at all. He was such a diva. I started laughing when I thought about how hard that was going to be for Wade to put up with.

“They are,” I agreed. “Good luck.”

“I’m starting to regret not dragging you along with me, just so you could help keep him in line,” he said. I actually found that funny, and chuckled.

“Yeah, but it’s better this way,” I said.

“Yeah, it is,” he agreed. “I’m looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks.”

“Me too,” I said. We ended the call, and I felt strangely happy. And free.