Flux - 45. Chapter 45: Final Chapter

August 11, 2002

Somewhere over Lake Michigan

Matt

I was looking at Stef, dissecting him with my eyes to see if he was pissed off at me for choosing to live in Boston, instead of the amazing apartment he was creating for me in Chicago. Instead, I got a gentle smile from him.

“That’s fine,” Will joked. “Dude, if you don’t want to live there, I’ll move there.”

“You would be pretty far from Zach,” Brad pointed out.

Will grimaced. “Fine. Let’s keep it as a vacation home. A vacation home for gay guys, with an express elevator to the hottest bar in Chicago.”

“Spartacus isn’t even open yet,” I said.

“Doesn’t matter. It will be the hottest bar,” Will said firmly.

“It will,” I agreed. He’d used his banter to lighten the mood, and give everyone a while to react to my big announcement.

“Will has pointed out, in his own way, that the effort we have expended on the apartment and building in Chicago is a good investment,” Stef said. “And I am not concerned about you not attending my alma mater. But I am wondering why you made this decision.”

“I made the hockey team,” I said simply, like that should explain my decision. “It’s a gay hockey team.”

“Dude, you have to teach me how to play hockey,” Will said, cracking me up. It was even funnier when I thought about the dynamic. Stef, now that he was older, had grown more aloof and sage-like, and had shed some of his irrepressible banter. Brad had never been quite that carefree. But Will had picked up that playfulness, either because it was who he was, or because he had learned from Stef; and he was learning to use humor and distractions to ease the tension in a group, and to make tough conversations easier.

“How did making the team change your plans?” JP asked.

“I talked to Wade, and he was being bitchy, so when I told him I was on the team, he made some smart ass remark about it being like I was still in college.” I watched Brad, Will, and JP carefully as I said that, looking for some sign of recognition that would indicate whether they’d talked to Wade about it, but I got nothing.

“You thought that playing hockey made you seem like an immature college jock again,” Brad concluded.

“Yeah.”

“Instead of moving to Boston, couldn’t you just quit the hockey team?” he asked.

“I realized that I’d been so focused on being on the team at Stanford that I’d neglected my responsibilities. Shit, Riley should be my son too. We conceived him together. But I’ve all but checked out on him.”

“You spent time with him recently,” Will said, to prop me up.

“Yeah, but you were a much bigger part of his birth, and his first six months, than I was,” I said.

“And you don’t want to do the same thing with this baby,” Brad said, understanding my motivation perfectly.

“No, I don’t. If I start at University of Chicago, I’ll just be into my second or third quarter when the baby is born. Regardless of whether I’m the father or not, I want to be there. I want to be part of his or her life. And I can’t do that if I’m stuck in Chicago for another year and a half after he or she is born.”

“So what will you do?” JP asked.

“You know, for my entire life, I’ve always been focused on the next step. I’ve always been planning for the future. Right now, I honestly don’t care. I’m going to go to Boston, and I’m going to be as good a dad as I can; and if Wade will let me, I’m going to be as good a partner as I can,” I said. “Robbie left me a lot of money. He did it because he loved me, and because it would give me options. I thought about it, and I think he’d be really happy if I put off worrying about my career for six months to focus on my family.”

“I don’t just think he’d be happy about that; I know he’d be happy about that,” Brad affirmed. I thanked him with my eyes, because there was no one more qualified to speak for Robbie, but I said nothing as I focused on JP. He was the one person here who could basically call me out for being a loser.

“I am mindful of a similar conversation I had back in 1985,” JP said, looking at Brad. “A young man, one who I am still very proud of, after having an incredibly successful undergraduate career at Yale, dropped out of his Master’s program at the Sorbonne to spend more time with one of his crusty old relatives.”

“You did that?” I asked Brad. “You did that to spend time with your father?”

“It was certainly easy enough for him to discern who the crusty old relative was,” Stef joked, getting a dour look from JP.

“I did,” Brad said, answering my question. “I wasn’t happy at the Sorbonne, and I decided that I wanted to enjoy Paris, spend time with Dad, and be a good partner to Robbie. Of course, then Robbie went off and killed some guy, so that was a little intense.”

For some reason, that was funny. “Did you ever regret that decision?” Will asked him.

“Never. Not once,” Brad said.

“What if Wade does not want you to move to Boston?” JP asked.

“Wade really can’t stop me from moving to Boston,” I said. “Remember our talk?”

“I remember,” he said, “but as we are talking about it in front of these gentlemen, they will not.”

“You told me that I could go to Boston with Wade, in which case I’d be living with him and be a part of his life; or I could go to Boston on my own, get my own place, and be there in the city with him.”

“Which are you going to do?” Stef asked.

“That depends on Wade,” I said. “I’m going to do everything I can to get him back; to be partners again. This whole time we’ve been apart, we’ve both been miserable. This is bullshit. Neither one of us is going to be happy unless we’re together.”

“Hopefully Wade has figured that out too,” Will said, suggesting that we’d both been idiots. I ignored his attitude, even though he was right.

“I wish I knew what was going on with him,” I admitted.

JP looked at Brad, and Brad looked at Will, then Brad spoke. “You keep looking at us, wanting to know if we know something about Wade that we’re not telling you.”

“Do you?” I asked. My tone was firm, demanding that if they knew something, that they tell me.

“No,” he said. “All I know is that the night after you left, Wade acted pretty strangely. It was like he had retreated into himself, and he wasn’t talking to anyone.”

“Not quite,” JP corrected. “He was talking, but not of his feelings. It was largely conversation designed to be a good host to Alex.”

“How did they seem?” I asked.

“Pretty much like they had when you were around. They’re both pretty stoic, so it’s hard to tell,” Brad said. “They only came to see us briefly before they left for the City, and then once again before they left for Boston, and then it was the same.”

“How did you find out Alex had gone home?”

JP got uncomfortable, because he was the one who had gotten that info, but he told me anyway. “I had called to inquire after Alex, since I had just exchanged e-mails with his grandfather. Wade told me that he’d gone back to England. There was no explanation given.”

We all pondered that, wondering what Wade’s deal was, until Will changed the subject by being practical. “So where are we staying in Boston?”

“I know the hotel Wade usually stays at,” I said. I called the hotel and told them that I was meeting Wade there, and that he’d told me to book a room adjoining his suite. They argued with me, telling me that they couldn’t do that, until I made them look up the record from our last stay. Even then they weren’t convinced, until I booked up three other suites for the rest of the group. “That wasn’t easy,” I grumbled.

“The important things in life rarely are,” JP noted.

The plane had arrived in Chicago at 4:00pm. By the time we made it to Boston, it was around 8:00pm. There was the limo drive to the hotel, and the relatively unusual hassle at check in, so I didn’t really make it to my room until almost 9:00. They said they’d put me in the room next to Wade’s suite, but I couldn’t really be sure. There was a door connecting to that room, which I opened to find another locked door blocking my way, just like connecting hotel room doors were supposed to be. I put my ear against the door, wondering briefly if I’d hear moaning. I didn’t hear anything, and I began to wonder if Wade was even in his room. I could have just called his cell phone, but for some reason, I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to see him in person. And if I called him on his cell phone, and told him I was here, he may just avoid me. He was acting so weird, I didn’t know how to get through to him, but I knew that if I could just get in front of him, face-to-face, I’d have the best chance.

I was about to use the house phone to call him, when I heard his voice on the phone. I wondered what he was doing until I heard him ordering food. I smiled. Wade with his bottomless pit of a stomach. He must have ordered room service. I waited for about twenty minutes, then opened the door and went out into the hall. It took another twenty minutes for the waiter to arrive. The service here wasn’t prompt, evidently. The delivery person was a younger guy who looked like he might be from India. “That’s for Mr. Danfield,” I said. “I’ll deliver that for you.”

“I am sorry sir,” he said in heavily accented English. “We are not allowed to do that.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, handing him $200. His eyes bulged as he eyed the cash.

“I must take a phone call. I will leave the cart here for a few minutes,” he said with a grin as he took the money. I rang the bell to the suite, and then hid to the side of the door so Wade couldn’t see me through the peep hole. All he could see was the cart.

“Who is it?” Wade asked.

“Room service,” I said, doing a pretty horrible Indian accent.

He unlocked the door and held it open, not really paying attention to who was delivering the food until I walked into his room. I wasn’t sure what kind of reaction I’d get from him. At first he looked really shocked, then he smiled, then he tried not to, but he smiled again. “Hey baby,” I said, grinning at him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, but in a friendly way. He suddenly realized he’d been holding the door open, so he closed it after I wheeled the cart into the room.

“Got a part time job,” I said, gesturing to the room service cart. “Let’s see what you got.”

I pulled out food, raising my eyebrows at all that he’d ordered. “I was hungry.”

“Dude, there’s plenty to share,” I said.

“Fine,” he said grudgingly, but he was only teasing. He walked over to the table but I stood in front of him, and was happy when he initiated a hug. “It’s good to see you.”

I hugged him back tightly. “It’s good to see you too.” God, it felt good to hold him. I didn’t want to let go, so I just held him tightly, but I noticed that he was holding on to me just as intently. I finally broke off the embrace. “Let’s eat.”

We sat there, having an absolute blast dividing up the food and joking about it, and then we had even more fun eating it. I knew that something was bothering Wade, and I didn’t know what it was, but I could sense his mood, and I knew he needed to just connect with me like this before we actually talked about serious shit.

“I’m sorry I was such a bitch when you told me you made the hockey team,” he said. “That sounds pretty cool.”

I told him all about my initiation, including my fight. “I had to pick a nickname.”

“What did you chose?”

“What do you think I should have chosen?”

“Stud,” he said.

“Awesome,” I said. “Let’s go fuck.”

He laughed. “What did you chose?”

“Volcano.” He laughed, really laughed, and it was good to see him do that. I could feel the angst in him, that something was really bothering him, but for just a bit, he let that go and was simply happy. Then it ended. “You have scared the shit out of me with the way you’ve been acting,” I said.

He was going to tell me that I shouldn’t have worried, but he knew I wouldn’t buy that. He stood up without saying anything and went into the other room, which was presumably his bedroom. I stared after him, waited for a minute, and then followed him in, only to find him in bed, under the covers. He’d been wearing shorts and a polo shirt, and I saw them on the floor by the bed, tossed there in a haphazard way. That was really disturbing. Wade always folded up his clothes neatly. I smiled at him, took off my clothes, showing off as I did, and getting a grin from him. Then I got into bed with him, and moved over so I was lying partly on top of him. “I need to be with you,” he said, almost a whisper, and they sounded like words of desperation.

Just being next to him, touching him had fueled my libido. I rubbed against him, so he could feel my hard cock pressing into his thigh. “Can you feel how much I want you?”

He let out a whimper, something he did when he was really emotional, and handed me the lube, even as we kissed. I knew his mood, and I knew that he needed me to make love to him but without a lot of foreplay, so I did. It was almost like the last time I’d done this, where he was on his back and I was on my side, but as intense as that had been, this time it was even more moving, and more incredible. We just lay there afterward, holding each other, oblivious to the fact that we were smashing his cum between us, and all over our torsos. “I love you,” I told him, and there was no way he could possibly miss how sincere I was.

“I love you too,” he said, in an equally meaningful way.

“Why have you been acting so fucking strange?”

“I’ll show you.”

He got up, grabbed a couple of towels and tossed one to me. We wiped ourselves off, while he walked into the other room. He came back, holding the envelope I’d given him, the envelope with his ring in it. He handed it to me. “You’re giving it back to me?” I asked. I was devastated. It was flat out rejection.

He put his hand on my chest to calm me down. “Read the card.”

“I won’t truly be happy until I put this ring on your finger again,” I read aloud.

“We need to talk. When we’re done, if I have anything to say about it, you’ll do just that.” I grinned, a huge grin, and gave him a really passionate kiss. Until that moment, I’d been expecting him to reject me again, to send me packing. My whole goal, for the past eight months, had been to get back together with him, and now he was telling me that’s what he wanted too. All we had to do was have a conversation. I was so happy I was almost giddy. He lay next to me on his side, with his head next to mine, so I could look sideways and talk to him.

“So let’s talk.”

“After you left, I felt really trapped at Escorial with Alex. I felt like I was there with him in our world.” He sighed. “It was weird. It was almost like I was cheating on you.”

“You weren’t.”

“I said ‘almost’,” he said with a smile. “So I dragged Alex up to the City for a couple of days. To be honest, I just wanted him to go home, but I’d invited him here, and I felt obligated to show him a good time.”

“Did you have fun?”

“No,” he said. “It was awful.”

“What happened?”

“We stayed at the Fairmont, and toured around the City. We went to the modern art museum, which was fun. We had a nice dinner, it was pretty romantic, but then when we went to bed he just went to sleep.”

“I’d say ‘I’m sorry’, but I’m kind of a jealous guy,” I said, nudging him with my nose to tease him.

“Yes, you are,” he said. “Then in the morning, he tried to do that bullshit thing where he fucks me like I’m made of porcelain, and I got frustrated enough to call him on it.”

“That didn’t go very well, I’ll bet.”

“It didn’t,” he said. “I talked to David, and he told me that’s not the best idea. When someone has an issue like that, it’s tough to have it just tossed in his face. But I didn’t meet with him until after I got back from the City.”

“So the rest of the time in the City was pretty tense, eh?”

“I left after that unpleasant confrontation. I drove down to see David, while Alex stayed up in the City on his own.” He paused. “I was so infatuated with Alex, but when he lashed out at me after I confronted him, and told me I was a disgusting slut, it was like the spell was broken.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. He hugged me tighter to thank me. “How was the meeting with David?”

“Worse than San Francisco.”

“Why?”

“Because he made me take a mirror and look at myself. And he made me look deep.”

“I like being deep into you,” I said to tease him. I knew this was hard on him, so I was throwing him these little bits of banter to try to make it easier. He ran his hand across my cheek to thank me. “So what did you figure out?”

“He asked me all about Alex, and I played the whole thing out for him. Then he asked me about us, and I clued him into all of our drama. God, that took a long time.” I chuckled with him.

“And?”

“I want to tell you this, but please, don’t get mad at me.”

“You know I love you,” I said. “Take the risk.”

“He pointed out that I’d been bitching at you, and about you, and about how you never grow up, and you’re so spastic, and you take me on roller coaster rides from hell.” I’d heard him say that all before, but usually when he was pissed off. He was right. It was irritating. “He said I’d talked about needing this stable relationship. He made me see that I was talking about finding a clone of myself.”

“Alex was damn near a clone of you,” I said.

“Whatever,” he said, because he was still annoyed with Alex. “David agrees with you, for what it’s worth, and says that’s why I latched onto Alex. He was the guy I’d fantasized about. He was the one who would make me happy. It’s kind of like having a Ken doll come to life.”

“I know what that’s like,” I said. He looked at me, confused. “That’s how you are, to me.”

He smiled and gave me a really sweet kiss, then buried his head in my neck for a bit. “He says most infatuations are intense, but in my case, because it was a fantasy too, it was just pretty much overwhelming. And he pointed out that Alex probably had a similar reaction, especially since I fit into his princess persona.” He got grumpy when he said that last part, but I chuckled anyway.

“But you’re over Alex now?”

“I am,” he said, making it sound like an oath. “After my meeting with David, I took Alex back up to Escorial to say goodbye, then we flew back to Boston together. I was kind of hoping that we’d be able to repair things enough to be friends, but I think it was too soon. We got off the plane, and he went his way, and I went mine.”

“So you’re not even friends?”

“He called me the day before he left and invited me to dinner. He was like his old self, charming and gracious, so I did my best to act the same way.”

“You’re just as charming and gracious,” I reminded him.

“Not all of the time,” he said, which made me think that their fight in San Francisco had been a little more intense than he’d let on. “He told me that he’d thought about things, and he’d decided to live somewhere else. I was glad, because that way I didn’t have to uninvite him from staying in my house. He told me he cherished our friendship, and we more or less agreed to get together a couple of times a month and have coffee.”

“So you’re a single man again,” I teased.

“Only I don’t want to be a single man.”

“What do you want?” I asked nervously. He was confusing the fuck out of me again.

“I want to be with you.” I stared at him, not really expecting that, and then felt myself get euphoric, so euphoric that I kissed him way too passionately. He finally pushed me away, but he was smiling. “You like that idea?”

“I love that idea.”

“When I met with David, he asked me why I kept coming back to you. We’d all but break up, I’d push you away, but I’d always end up back here. He said that it seemed like I was trying to find reasons not to be with you, and thinks it may be because I’m afraid of getting hurt.” He paused for a bit, to collect his thoughts. “We worked through our issues over what happened to us after 9-11, and even before then, so I’m not throwing this at you to guilt you, but he said that I was hurt really badly, and I was probably trying to avoid getting close enough to you to let that happen again.”

“Wade, I get that. Give me some credit for going through that crucible and learning from it.”

“Actually I did, and David did too. He pointed out all the things you’ve done lately to show me that you loved me. He gave you kudos for putting my happiness ahead of yours, and pointed out that was a pretty mature thing to do, and pretty selfless. I think that’s why when you mentioned the hockey team, I freaked out on you. I’d just started rebuilding you in my mind as this new, responsible guy, and then it seemed like you regressed.”

“I’m not on the team.”

“What do you mean you’re not on the team?”

“You were right. I didn’t want to go down that road. I decided not to join the team.”

“Don’t do this because of what I said. Please don’t do that. I was just being an ass.”

“No, actually you weren’t. When you said that, I had the same realization that you did. I think about all the trade-offs I made to play, and how fucked up my priorities were, and it makes me want to puke.”

“You don’t want to go there. I did that for almost twenty-four hours. It’s not fun,” he said, making me laugh. “David asked me what my life would be like without you.”

“What did you say to him?” I moved so I was lying on my side and he rolled back so we were facing each other.

He was looking down, but when he spoke, he locked his eyes on mine so I could see how sincere he was. “I told him it would be empty, and that I would have no joy.” I lay there, looking at this man that I loved so much, and found that I loved him even more after he said that. I didn’t think that was possible. Here was Wade, this stoic fortress, totally lowering all of his drawbridges, and exposing his deepest feelings to me. It was so intimate; I felt my eyes tear up.

“That’s how it would be for me too.” I said. “We’ve been doing this for months now. Pushing each other away, only to find that our bond is too strong and too meaningful. You have to know how I feel about you. You have to know that I want to be with you more than anything.”

“After all this shit with Alex, even though I know you’ve forgiven me, I haven’t entirely forgiven myself. It makes it hard to think that you’d want that.”

“Well you’re wrong,” I said, getting a small smile.

“And I’ve fucked things up so badly. I should have just dealt with this in June, and asked you to move here with me.”

“You want me to be here, in Boston, with you?” I asked, forcing the total elation I felt to a minimum.

“That is so fucking selfish, and that’s why I’m depressed about this. I’ve got things set up here: I’ve gotten JJ to like me more or less, Tiffany is ready to move, and with your help, I hired a dude who will have the house ready by the end of the month. I’m going to Harvard Law School, the school I’ve wanted to go to since I was a kid. And I’m sitting here, totally torn between having my dream and throwing all that away to move to Chicago so I can be with you. Shit, I don’t even know why you’d want to be with me.” He’d considered throwing all of this away to move to Chicago to be with me? That was pretty stunning.

“Wade, I want to be with you more than anything,” I said earnestly.

He smiled, but continued on with his rant. “Your apartment is almost done, and it’s going to be amazing. Over a gay bar, one that Will claims will be the hottest gay bar known to man. That’s any gay man’s dream come true, and it’s got to be yours. Shit, with your looks and your charm, you can walk in and pick any dude you want, like you’re choosing steaks at the grocery store. You got into the University of Chicago. You made the gay hockey team. Your life is as perfect as mine. You’re all committed, and all set up. Don’t you get it? It’s too late. Once again, my timing is off, and now we’re damned to spend at least two years apart. And I don’t know what will happen to us if we’re apart for two years.” He looked down, and then looked up at me again, and his eyes were really watery, and a tear fell out of the left one. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not the only one who can torture himself,” I said cynically. “I was jogging and I saw this father with his baby, and it just ripped me to the core. We conceived Riley together. He’s my son too, but I haven’t treated him that way. I’ve totally neglected him. When we had him, I wasn’t where I needed to be with this fatherhood thing, and I wasn’t where you needed me to be. We’re going to have another baby, and just like with Riley, no matter which one of us nailed Tiffany’s egg, it’s going to be my baby too.”

“Before you guilt yourself too much, keep in mind that Riley and Maddy are only two, so there’s a lot of fathering still ahead,” he said with a smile.

“So I spent some time re-prioritizing my life, and when the plane landed in Chicago today, with Brad, Stef, JP, and Will, I made them get back on board and fly here.”

“They’re all here?”

“They are,” I confirmed. “I told Stef that I was sorry, but I wasn’t going to be able to go to the University of Chicago, and I wasn’t going to be able to live in the apartment, because I was moving to Boston.”

“I don’t want you to give up your opportunities for me…” he lied, even as he smiled. I put my finger over his lips to shut him up and he kissed it.

“Stef smiled, and said it was just fine. And I told them that Robbie left me shitloads of money, so I wasn’t going to worry about my career for a bit. I was just going to worry about my family.”

“You’re serious?” he asked, not really believing that I was. “You’re moving to Boston?”

“I’m moving to Boston with you,” I corrected, then smiled. “Assuming you can get the house done by August 28^th. Otherwise, I’m going to throw a tantrum.” It was indicative of how close I felt to Wade that I could joke about JJ’s bitchiness.

“What about us?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.

“What’s our status?”

“We’ve tried all kinds of things, but you know what I’d like to do? I’d like it to be you, and me, and no one else. Maybe later we can think about something different, but for right now, that’s what I want.”

“You want to be monogamous?” he asked, stunned.

“Yes,” I said, then made him really look at me. “Why would I need anyone else? You are so reserved and so stoic, but you’ll totally drop your shields for me, and let me see the neurotic nutcase behind them.” He grinned at me and shook his head. “I don’t need to be intimate with someone else; I don’t want to be intimate with someone else. The only person that I want to be that close to is you.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. I almost got annoyed, thinking he was challenging me, but then I got where he was coming from. He just wanted to make sure things were set up so I’d be happy.

“I’m sure. When I was fucking around like a douchebag in college, and you weren’t, you told me that you didn’t want to sleep with someone else, you’d rather just sleep with me because it would be better than it was with anybody else. I didn’t really understand that then, because when I was with other guys, it was always about winning, about seeing if I could get a guy to fuck around. It was about the hunt. The actual sex wasn’t even that big of a deal. Shit, most of the time it wasn’t even that good. Only that shit was so stupid. It was fine when I was nineteen, and it may have been OK when I was twenty, but it wasn’t OK last year, and it’s not OK now.”

“You are an amazing lover,” he said.

“So are you,” I said. He looked at me skeptically. “Wade, I have slept with a lot of people, and no one has ever even come close to being as good in bed as you are. Not even close.” He grinned at that compliment.

“I told you in Paris that no one has ever ignited my body like you do, and I doubt anyone ever will. And even if they could, I don’t want that. I want you.” We paused for a bit, and just gazed into each other’s eyes.

“It took me a long time to get here, to this point. You put up with a lot of shit from me, because I had to have other people to sleep with. That shit is over. I don’t want anyone else. I only want you,” I said. Somehow, swearing off my playboy ways, now that I was doing it, seemed so logical, so smart, and so easy. I wasn’t saying these things with my proverbial fingers crossed; I meant it.

He held out his left hand, then handed me the envelope. I smiled as I took the ring out, and put it back on his finger. He leaned behind himself, reached into his nightstand, and pulled out something: my ring. I held out my hand and he put it on my finger. “Now I feel whole,” he said.

We made love, and it was another amazing experience. And as we lay there, I couldn’t help but think that we’d all left the horrible chaos of 9-11 and its aftermath behind us. I smiled at him, and looked at our bodies, with our cum splattered all over us, and laughed. He smiled back, and took my hand, and twirled my ring, that symbol of us. And then I was hit with amazing clarity, and a truly revolutionary realization. I was no longer a boy, I was no longer an adolescent, I was no longer a college jock: I was a man.