Cards on the Table - 3. Chapter 3 Dealer's Choice

Chapter 3

Kendall came abruptly awake. Feeling disoriented, he looked around the room in the barely there, pre-dawn light. There was no alarm clock going off. No traffic noises outside. So what woke him? He listened, senses alert, but all was quiet.

Michael. He remembered. It all washed through him at once. Today everything changed. Pulling himself up carefully from his prone position, he leaned back against the headboard and took stock of himself. He had no memory of going to bed, but here he was, fully clothed. He felt a little achy, his head hurt, and swallowing was difficult. No wonder. He must have cried a bucket-load of tears. He remembered the howling that couldn't possibly have come from a human, yet it did, and those sounds were his.

Shit! His truck. He had to go get his truck. Looking over at the red numbers on the clock told him he had almost three hours before he needed to be at work. Being the boss he could stretch that, but there was no need. Work was required to keep his mind busy. Come hell or high water, he wasn't going to dwell on yesterday.

Deep down though, he couldn't help but remember fondly how well Michael took his messy confession, and how determined he'd been to take care of him when he found him in his truck. It didn't surprise him though, because Michael always took care of him. No matter what was going on in his life, he would always drop everything for Kendall.

No crying today. That got him nowhere. He swung his long legs over the side of the bed and stood. Stretching felt like a reward this morning as he twisted and turned and forced his body to comply. Shedding wrinkled clothes while carefully walking out to the hall bathroom in near darkness, he blinded himself with the light switch. As his eyes slowly and painfully adjusted, he surveyed the damage. It wasn't pretty.

His eyes were too puffy to look fully open and much of the white was obscured by red. It didn't seem like a good idea to shave his heavy beard when he couldn't see very well, so that could wait till after a quick workout at the gym, but a shower couldn't. He hopped in quickly under too-hot water and suffered the heat as penance for being so needy last night. Don't go there, he thought, as the memory of non-stop retching reared its ugly head. That was enough to take away any chance of finding relief for his ever-insistent erection. Soaping its length caused his temptation to rise because it had been days, but he knew his thoughts would just go straight to an image of Michael as he got close. That was the last thing he needed this morning. Just like crying, it wouldn't get him anywhere. Today was about moving on.

Toweling off, he stopped dead, arms frozen as he realized going to the gym was no longer an option. It was their gym, and Michael could be there. It would be prudent to change gyms, but the thought came with an unpleasant feeling. He went back to drying his dark gold chest hair. This is what you wanted, Kendall.

But that wasn't really true, was it? What he wanted was a world where he could be loved back by his best friend. It was a pipe dream that would never come true, so for starters a new gym was necessary. With some conviction in place, Kendall decided to go get Beauty and then come back here for breakfast, cleanup, and a shave. Going to their morning coffee place was out of the question as well.

He headed back to the bedroom to put on his running gear. He was soft enough now to stuff himself into an old, well-worn jock while readying himself mentally for the day ahead. A brisk half-hour run would get him to his truck, and he could drive her back here with plenty of time to make himself presentable for work. Kendall headed to the kitchen to get a pot of coffee brewing before heading out.

Satisfied all was good with the temperamental, somewhat ancient coffee maker, he grabbed his keys, phone, and wallet, and headed out the door. Pulling it tightly closed, he was startled when he turned around. There was Black Beauty, right where she was supposed to be, in her regular spot.

"What the fuck?" There was nobody to hear Kendall, or see the confused look on his face before it dawned on him. Michael. Looking after him again. It was then he noticed how she gleamed under the light standard in the parking lot. The bastard had washed his truck. When did he even find the time to do that? He frowned, then smiled, then frowned again, shaking his head. This wasn't working the way it was supposed to... the way they had agreed. Michael shouldn't be doing things like this anymore.

Going back inside, he grabbed the spare keys and went back out to check inside the truck cab. Sure enough, there was a post-it note on the dash. 'Couldn't sleep so brought your baby back so you wouldn't worry. Ace'. He sat behind the steering wheel, eyes burning, frustrated at the warring feelings doing battle within him. How the hell was he supposed to forget someone who did things like this?

It was cry or get angry so he chose the latter. He grabbed the keys Michael had left under the seat before closing Beauty's door gently, though he felt like slamming it, and went back into his apartment with the intent to call him to put a stop to this.

Pouring some of the partly-brewed coffee into a mug, he swallowed without thinking and practically screamed at the pain of the scalding hot coffee on his still raw throat. "Goddammit!" Fuck that hurt. This was not a good way to start the day. Forcing himself to calm down, he rethought the wisdom of calling Michael. No. He would just let it be and move on. There was nothing to be gained by going off on him for acting the way he always had. It was hard for him too, and he had to keep that in mind as he headed back to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He would forgo running today and just go into work early. He'd try to bury his thoughts in mundane tasks. Michael washed his truck! Damn him.

From the bathroom, he heard a text alert on his phone. As he finished brushing, another one went off. Two could mean his overnight supervisor had a problem, so he hurried to check the messages. Picking up the phone, he saw they were both from Michael. The first one informed him he had switched gyms, so Kendall wouldn't be uncomfortable. He opened the next one to find out he would be going to Tim Horton's for his coffee from now on; the Coffee Emporium was now his alone. He even put in a happy face. Michael hated Tim Horton's coffee. Frustrated, he buried his face in his hands and broke the promise to himself that there would be no crying today. At least this time, it was a gentle release. A few tears and he was done.

Walking into the posh residential building, Kendall greeted Gus, who was stationed at the front security desk. "Any problems last night?" He was in business mode this morning. He was in no mood to chat, and made sure he sent that vibe out to his employee. The curious look on Gus' face was not missed by his boss, though. He knew he looked out of sorts, but there was no urge to explain anything. Let the man wonder... let them all wonder. All of Kendall's people knew better than to overstep. He was a great guy to work for, but he liked his security force professional at all times.

"Just an attempted break-in to the West stairwell in Building Five... a couple of teenagers screwing around. The report's on your desk."

"Any scheduling issues?"

"Just one. Denton called in sick for his Building Seven shift last night, and for the next two nights. He has doctor authorization, and already faxed the note to us. Jeremy called Evan in for last night, and covered tonight and tomorrow with part-timers. The updated schedule is on your desk, as well as Denton's medical note. That's all, boss." Efficient and to the point. Exactly what Kendall demanded, always.

"Thanks, Gus. I'll be in my office. When Jeremy's off the cams, tell him to report in." Done with instructions, he walked over to the west corner of the building to his bright, spacious office, entered, and closed the door. This was what he needed. He felt good, here. This was his domain. His inner sanctum. He hadn't been successful in getting hired to a police force. It was all a numbers game, but his education had served him well, and he was now the head of security for a huge conglomerate of high-end residential buildings. His duties fell to mostly administrative, but to his initial surprise, he'd found it suited him.

His efforts had made the security force perform like a well-oiled machine. Everyone on his team knew exactly what was expected of them. The residents of these elite condos and apartments demanded the best, and Kendall made sure they received it. Michael, though, was a cop through and through. Kendall sighed, and prepared to lose himself in demanding work issues.

It worked, and he was jolted from his tasks hours later when Jeremy tapped on his door. A quick update from his assistant, and the man was done for the day. He was walking out, but turned back before reaching the door, clearing his throat as he stood there. Kendall looked up into that handsome face and raised his eyebrows in question.

"I don't mean to pry, boss, but you look kind of sad or something today."

Kendall frowned at the personal comment, but didn't respond.

"I just want to say, if you need to talk or anything, I'm a real good listener. I'll spring for a coffee if you want to take a break?"

Jeremy's concern was touching but right now solitude seemed like Kendall's best friend, and at the moment, his only one. Not for the first time, he wondered if Jeremy's interest in him was something more. He didn't know much about gaydar; he just knew he didn't have it. "Thanks, Jere, but I'm okay. Just really tired. The neighbors kept me up all night," he lied.

His assistant's expression showed he wasn't buying it, but he was smart enough to accept his dismissal. "All right, Captain Dooley. The offer's open though, if you ever need to talk. I'll see you Monday. Have a great weekend."

He quietly closed the door behind him, and Kendall was alone again. Sighing, he leaned back in his chair and stretched. All his people were top notch, trained to be observant, but it bugged him that Jeremy noticed his state of mind. Was he that transparent? He couldn't help the bitter chuckle as he thought about the fact Michael hadn't figured him out in all their time as best friends. Maybe he didn't see it because he didn't want to.

At least he didn't have to feel guilty about hiding such a big thing from him anymore. No more dwelling, he thought. Lunchtime. Maybe a patrol would help him clear his mind of the memories of yesterday, trying once again to surface. He had things pretty much covered here anyway, so the deli and a drive was the ticket.

Denise was covering for Gus while he was on lunch. As Kendall approached her at the front desk, he noticed her quick up and down look, and approved her subtlety. "Hey, Denise. Everything okay?" Kendall frowned on chatting during work hours and always set an example.

"All good, Captain. Gus is back at one o'clock and then I head over to Building Three to relieve James." She stared at him curiously. Oh crap, not again, he thought.

"Could you give me the keys to Patrol One? I'm going for lunch, then doing a drive around. Log it for me, please." This was Kendall's personal company vehicle, but he left it available for emergency use when he wasn't there. He could never betray Beauty by taking it home. Denise handed him the keys and he was off with a curt wave.

He could feel her gaze on him as he walked out. All his staff were trained to be perceptive and she was no different. As he walked through the door, he turned briefly and caught her looking at him with concern. Resigning himself to the fact he wasn't doing a good job of hiding the pain he was feeling, he continued to his car.

His sometimes-favorite lunch, a grilled Reuben sandwich, seemed tasteless today, and not worth the effort of chewing, but he ate anyway. Though he didn't feel hungry, his stomach gurgled in appreciation of being fed. Starting the tour of his buildings, he forced himself to pay attention to every detail. This was a routine that calmed him. He didn't do this enough because he wasn't required to, but it was a good way to feel hands on and set a good example for his security force. Driving down the side of Building Eight, he saw fresh graffiti marring the granite face of the side entrance, and called it in, requesting the feeds be reviewed ASAP. His guys would be on it in no time, and once it was investigated maintenance would be called in, so he continued over to Building Nine.

The text alert pinged on his mobile as he pulled into the parking lot, so he steered into a space before reading it. Michael, again. Opening the message, he sat there somewhat stunned.

"Just notified Coach... leaving team... Unionville needs center/right wing so I'm in... first practice this w/e."

Short and sweet. What the fuck was he doing? He had no right! He should be the one changing teams, not him! He was pissed. Really pissed. He pushed number one on his phone. Two rings and Michael picked up.

"Deuce?"

"Can you talk?" He tried, but couldn't keep the agitation from his voice.

"Yeah, no problem. I'm on late lunch. I... uh, I didn't expect to hear from you. Is something wrong? Are you okay?"

That damn concern again. Kendall's anger wavered, and he wasn't sure now that he should have called. "I'm fine. I didn't expect to call you either. The thing is, Michael, you have to stop this."

"Stop what?" There was silence after his question. "Kendall, what... stop what? Is this about me quitting the hockey team?"

"Yes. And the gym. And Tim Horton's. You fucking hate Tim Horton's. You think it tastes like horse piss, for fuck sake. Michael, please? I don't want you making all the sacrifices. I'm the one who fucked up our friendship and you're changing everything around as if it's your fault and not mine, and that's just not right. Do you know how that makes me feel?

"No... I'm not sure that I...."

"Well, I'll tell you. It makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like shit. How am I supposed to get over you when you keep doing things like this? Fuck, you brought Beauty back for me last night, after you rescued my pathetic, fucked-up ass."

"Hey, listen to me. Don't you dare call yourself pathetic! That is complete and utter bullshit and I'm not gonna hear it. You did not fuck up our friendship. You have nothing to blame yourself for. So you're gay. I don't care, because what does that have to do with friendship anyway? Look... I know it was hard to tell me how you felt about me, but I've wrapped my head around it and I'm not bothered at all, except it means you feel the need to distance yourself from me. That, I have a hard time with, but I'm trying here. You told me you needed something from me, and even though I don't like it and it hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before, I understand. I get it and I accept it. Well, at least I'm trying to. Remember what we talked about last night?"

"Yeah. Every word." Listening to him, he lost every bit of his anger, and felt guilty for feeling it in the first place.

"Well then, you should know I don't feel good about not being the friend you needed. I thought about you and me all night, and I think on some level I kind of knew how you felt. Not, like in the front of my brain or anything, but deep down I knew something was there. Or maybe it's just hindsight and I can see it because I know it, if that makes any sense? I am just trying to help you in any way I can, and if I botched it up, I'm sorry."

Kendall didn't know what to say as Michael took a long pause.

"I didn't think you would want to be on the same team as me so I switched hockey teams. It wasn't that big a deal, and if it helps give you what you need to be happy, I am glad to do it. As long as I can lace up, it don't matter shit what team I'm on. I'll miss playing with you, but you need your distance so I have to accept that. I just want to help, man. I feel kind of useless right now, and you know how I get."

"Yeah, I know how you get. I guess I should thank you for being so understanding. Something like this could destroy a lot of friendships, and you just handle it like it's nothing. It shouldn't surprise me you would do this stuff. It's who you are and who you always have been. I'm sorry I got a little freaked, but it's so hard to figure all this out. I can't even think about moving on and starting something new because it scares the living shit out of me, Ace, and I have to do it alone. I can't have you there to help me, and that's the scariest part of all."

Michael voice oozed a pain of his own, and Kendall could feel the hopeless tone in it. "It's tough now, for both of us, but it'll get easier, I promise, and if you ever need me for any reason, I'll be there. You know that, right? I would never, ever let you down."

"Yeah, I do. I have no doubts about you. I never have. It's one of the reasons why...uh, that we were best friends." He thought he bit the words back in time, but to no avail. Michael heard the unspoken words anyway.

"I know what you were going to say. You don't have to be uncomfortable about it, because I'm not."

There was no response from him, because he wasn't able to speak.

"Okay, so are we good?"

Taking a deep breath, he answered. "Ah, yeah, we're good. Sorry for all the drama and shit. You are the best friend a guy could ever have and I've been lucky you were mine."

"Are, Kendall. Not were... are. Maybe we can't hang out anymore, but I will always be your best friend. Well, until you replace me, I guess."

His brain rebelled at the thought of replacing Michael. There was no one in the world like him... he was sure of it.

"That was a joke, buddy. We both know I am irreplaceable."

Kendall gave the expected snort, trying to cover his somber thoughts.

"Hey... I've been wondering about something. Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"Can I ask you one first?"

"Sure. Ask me anything you want."

"Why did you wash Beauty? I mean, don't you think that was too much?"

Michael sighed loudly. "You're probably right, but when I picked her up, I could smell vomit. Some of it must have sprayed on the door frame... I didn't want you to have to smell that this morning, and the all-night wash wasn't very far out of the way."

Kendall was now wishing he hadn't asked the question.

"I couldn't sleep anyway, and it was no big deal. I didn't want you to be reminded of stuff, you know? I guess I overstepped again. Sorry, Deuce... I'll think before I act next time, okay?"

"I... don't worry about it, Ace. I appreciate what you did, looking after her for me. There's nothing to be sorry for, and I do know this is hard for you too... I do."

"I told you we'll get through it and we will. So, is it my turn now?"

"What is it? What do you want to know?"

"I might be out of line again, again, but, well, I've been thinking a lot, and I just wondered when... when did you... uh? Shit, it doesn't matter. Sorry, Deuce. Never mind."

"When did I fall in love with you? Is that what you want to know?"

"Well, actually... yeah."

"Why do you want to know?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure, exactly. It just seems important. I been trying to figure stuff out, and I don't know why it seems that way, but it does. But I understand if you don't want to answer."

"Our first floor-party in our dorm. Do you remember it?"

"Of course I remember it. Our first year, right?"

"Yeah, that's the one. I was sick as a dog with stomach flu just as the party was getting underway. You kicked everybody out, including Rhonda. Do you remember how pissed off she was?"

Michael didn't say anything, but Kendall just knew he was listening as if his life depended on it... he could hear it in the way Michael was breathing. They were like they always were... connected.

A sigh escaped before he continued on. "She wanted to kill you when you said you had to look after me because I was sick. She said I was a big boy and could look after myself. You said yeah, I could, but I didn't need to because you were there. She screamed at you, man. She said she was your girlfriend and you should look after what she wanted instead, and that you were ruining her fun. And then you told her she was no longer your girlfriend, so problem solved, and then you locked the door. I could hear her yelling in the hall. After that, all I remember is puking my guts out, over and over, and freezing. I couldn't get warm, and all of a sudden, I was. You crawled in bed with me and held me all night long. I remember you waking me up a few times to make me drink some warm tea and take some pills. You kept putting wet towels on my forehead. I woke up the next afternoon and you were still holding me. That's when I felt it." Kendall found himself getting emotional at the memory and knew he had to hang up, right away. "I have to go, Michael. Something's come up."

Just like that, Kendall was gone. The quiver in his voice was apparent to Michael as he heard the click of disconnection. He wanted to kick himself for asking the question, but found himself getting lost in his own memory of that night. He remembered it perfectly. It was just as he'd described, but the funny thing was he could only vaguely picture Rhonda's face. Everything else he could see with crystal clarity. He could still hear the muffled sounds of the party going on over the rest of the floor. After a few different pounds on the door, he had put a really nasty sign on it that involved fucking off. It worked, because there were no more knocks, or calls to come party after the sign went up. Watching Kendall shiver, after emptying his stomach over and over, became too difficult. He was burning up and sweating with the blankets piled on, but he still shivered.

Trying to recall what his mom would do when he was sick, he knew first he had to get Kendall's fever down. He remembered thinking that this was something he wasn't good at, but there was no question of turning it over to anyone else. He pulled the shirt off of an incoherent, mildly protesting Kendall, and put cold cloths on his chest and forehead and managed to get some lukewarm tea and Ibuprofen into him. The fever started coming down, but the shivering wouldn't stop, so that's when he got in the bed with him, wrapping his arms around the big guy to hold him. Five minutes later, the shivering disappeared, and the panic he'd been experiencing changed to a feeling of peace. So he'd just stayed there and held him, surprising himself when he'd stroked Kendall's hair and planted kisses on top of his head, the way his mother used to do when he was sick. He eventually pulled a thin sheet over them to make a cocoon.

He could still call up that feeling in his mind, after all these years. He'd realized while lying there holding Kendall, that he had never held anyone else that way before. He'd started having sex at an early age, and he had always treated women with care and respect, but never had he wanted to hold them like he was holding Kendall then, and that was true right to this day. Once the sex was over, he became restless and either left or pulled away to his side of the bed, wanting to be alone. Kendall had needed him that night like nobody ever had, and he remembered having to pry himself away to change face cloths and bring him liquids. As soon as he would lay back down, Kendall would immediately fold into him and hold on... and Michael did the same. Thinking back, he finally realized he'd gotten as much from it as his friend had, and the feeling present that night had never been replaced by anyone. The thought, though new, didn't disturb him at all. But, it did make him wonder.