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    Mikiesboy
  • Mikiesboy
  • Author
  • 12/19/2015
  • 311 Words
  • 1,518 Views
  • 17 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Musings of a Messed Up Mind - 17. The End

Sometimes I can't .. I just can't.
This piece, when originally posted should have come with a warning. I'm so sorry it didn't but add it now, a week later. I was in the midst of a mental break when I wrote this; very depressed, full of self-loathing and fear. Truly it should not have been posted and I am sorry if it upset anyone.
Note: I'm not and never have been suicidal, to me it's just not an option.
Thank you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m walking through the quicksand of my youth and the experiences I had, and lived through. I feel love from others and I can see, and know it’s real, but I doubt myself and my ability to give back, to share in the love I receive. I feel unworthy. I am unworthy.

People tell me I’m talented (ha – mediocre at best), funny, faceted, interesting; but I do not see it. It makes those who love me sad, but when I look in the mirror, well it’s like the Picture of Dorian Gray; it's ugly, shameful and haunted. All the horror of my life is printed there.

I don’t know how to fix myself; to let me believe in me. There are things that were done to me, I can’t publish because they are just too outside the rules of this place (and that’s understandable). But they affected me, as did what my father did to me and the death of my mum. I can’t forget these things. I try to, I try not to live there, but it was a horror, it was sick, how do I get over it?

To those who love me, know that I see and feel it. It’s hard for me to return it, or share it because the little boy inside me, who was thrown away by his father, used and abused on the street for years, just doesn’t feel worthy. I’m sorry. So sorry, but he doesn’t and I don’t know how to fix it, I just don’t.

I thought after the nightmares were gone, things would improve. But they didn’t. My father being in jail doesn’t make me feel better.

I’m tired. I am a shell - a hollow man … tired of the struggle and I want the pain to end, but how ….

Sometimes I can't .. I just can't.
Copyright © 2017 Mikiesboy; All Rights Reserved.
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

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Chapter Comments

Headstall

“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”
― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
Your life wasn't easy, by any stretch, tim. It's not a contest... but neither was mine...
"Hidden terror still abides in me
A mistake to think time sets you free
A child’s abuse is my cross to bear
I learned too soon life isn’t fair"
I'm no Hemingway, but what I wrote recently was true... but, you and I, in our own ways, have survived. We've proven we ARE survivors... but there's no quick cure... it's an every day battle that lasts for your life, but you have to appreciate what you have, and not let the past beat you... it won't go away, but you can find a place for it where it has less power. As corny as it may sound, every day is a victory, and I've seen you win most days... and trust me that your feeling of self worth will build... it already has... I remember when I hated myself, and who I was... I carried the weight of my childhood around with hidden shame, along with a daily battle to learn to accept who I really was... I was approaching 40 when I ended up on the floor of a psychciatrist's office in complete breakdown mode, and it wasn't pretty... I have no idea if this will help... but I hope it does... it's a difficult thing to write... Much love and respect, tim... Gary....

  • Like 1
skinnydragon

This is a difficult review to write tim.
There is little than one, least of all me, can say to alleviate your pain.
As Gary mentioned, it is a victory of days.
You know, as well as I, the answer must come from within, the most difficult source of all.
What you wrote was clear, accurate and it hurt. It hurt to read as I'm certain it hurt to write.
I know it doesn't help to say I'm in your corner, but I am.
hugs

Carlos Hazday

Hey, buddy. Have you considered the possibility people like you just the way you are? That you need not do anything special? Or be anything but yourself? Regrets and doubts are part of life and sometimes we just have to accept it all at face value. If you think you're mediocre while others think you're talented, there's no need to try to figure out the why. Some of us like what you have to offer. Period. You're special to me just the way you are.
xoxoxo
Carlos

dughlas

Nothing I can say will make things right for you ... look within yourself for the little boy your mother cherished, he is who you are ... none of the horrors done to you change that. Nuture the child your mum knew. I assure you he is there, we have seen him.
Nothing I can say will make things right for you ... each of us is set a path to walk ... everyday a challenge ... there will be rocks to stumble over, deadfall to climb over or under ... there will be flowers too ... and shady trees to rest under ...
Damn but I hate platitudes but they are I have to express my love and encouragement.

 

Namaste little brother.

Mikiesboy
On 12/19/2015 04:37 PM, Headstall said:

“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

Your life wasn't easy, by any stretch, tim. It's not a contest... but neither was mine...

"Hidden terror still abides in me

A mistake to think time sets you free

A child’s abuse is my cross to bear

I learned too soon life isn’t fair"

I'm no Hemingway, but what I wrote recently was true... but, you and I, in our own ways, have survived. We've proven we ARE survivors... but there's no quick cure... it's an every day battle that lasts for your life, but you have to appreciate what you have, and not let the past beat you... it won't go away, but you can find a place for it where it has less power. As corny as it may sound, every day is a victory, and I've seen you win most days... and trust me that your feeling of self worth will build... it already has... I remember when I hated myself, and who I was... I carried the weight of my childhood around with hidden shame, along with a daily battle to learn to accept who I really was... I was approaching 40 when I ended up on the floor of a psychciatrist's office in complete breakdown mode, and it wasn't pretty... I have no idea if this will help... but I hope it does... it's a difficult thing to write... Much love and respect, tim... Gary....

No it's not a contest, and your poem gives our pain a voice. No our pain isn't from the same place but too much of it is. I mostly win each battle Gary, but sometimes I don't. Breakdowns aren't pretty, they are a snotty shitty mess and people think you're an adult, you can put it behind you. But they don't know that it's a living thing and sometimes it creeps up on you ... Now looking back over the past few days, I should have seen it. I've put myself in places maybe I shouldn't have, made choices I shouldn't and let thoughts in I should have put away. But with each failure comes strength and learning. I'm sorry if this hurt you Gary. It wasn't my intention.. thank you for everything.

 

love you too Gary

 

tim xoxo

Mikiesboy
On 12/19/2015 04:59 PM, skinnydragon said:

This is a difficult review to write tim.

There is little than one, least of all me, can say to alleviate your pain.

As Gary mentioned, it is a victory of days.

You know, as well as I, the answer must come from within, the most difficult source of all.

What you wrote was clear, accurate and it hurt. It hurt to read as I'm certain it hurt to write.

I know it doesn't help to say I'm in your corner, but I am.

hugs

Skinny Dragons are hard to hug, but I'll try. Dont underestimate what being in someone's corner can do, cuz it does a lot. And means a lot.

 

And it is a battle of days, small steps and picking yourself up when you're down.

Thanks for being there skinny... it means a lot.

 

tim

Mikiesboy
On 12/19/2015 08:43 PM, Caz Pedroso said:

All I will say is if you ever need anything then feel free to contact me. You are loved both here and at home, and I know you will come through this eventually. It will be hard but you have Michael and us and many other people to help you.

 

Stay strong my friend.

 

:hug::kiss:

Oh Cazzie.. I'm so sorry. It was like a mini breakdown.. I didn't see the signs and let myself slide. Thank you for your kind words.

Mikiesboy
On 12/19/2015 09:30 PM, R J Drew said:

I know you have tons of people who love and care deeply for you, but there's no harm in adding one more. If you need me, I'm here. For now I'll leave you one of my favorite quotes. “It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it.” ~~Lena Horne

Keep your head up.

Thank you RJ. I appreciate your kindness and your friendship. And the quote, well it's a good one!

 

It was a bad day and I sort of knew it, but I didn't do what I should have, which was tell someone.

 

Thanks again.. tim

Mikiesboy
On 12/19/2015 10:25 PM, Carlos Hazday said:

Hey, buddy. Have you considered the possibility people like you just the way you are? That you need not do anything special? Or be anything but yourself? Regrets and doubts are part of life and sometimes we just have to accept it all at face value. If you think you're mediocre while others think you're talented, there's no need to try to figure out the why. Some of us like what you have to offer. Period. You're special to me just the way you are.

xoxoxo

Carlos

C! Sorry this took me a couple of days. Was hard to reply to more that one or two at a time. Thank you. I'll try to remember. I have regrets about all of this and could see it coming but ignored it and look what I did. Thank you for your kind words, I do know you mean them

 

tim

Mikiesboy
On 12/19/2015 11:22 PM, dughlas said:

Nothing I can say will make things right for you ... look within yourself for the little boy your mother cherished, he is who you are ... none of the horrors done to you change that. Nuture the child your mum knew. I assure you he is there, we have seen him.

Nothing I can say will make things right for you ... each of us is set a path to walk ... everyday a challenge ... there will be rocks to stumble over, deadfall to climb over or under ... there will be flowers too ... and shady trees to rest under ...

Damn but I hate platitudes but they are I have to express my love and encouragement.

 

Namaste little brother.

Thank you dugh. Actually a lot you say reaches me. Everyday. I appreciate the things you say, it helps a lot. I know you have your own challenges.

 

Thank you dugh.. for everything.

 

tim

northie

I'm glad that there was a 'health warnng' when I read this, otherwise I think I would have found it even more upsetting.

 

As I was reading I teared up gradually – for you. For your past and for the present you were living when you wrote and posted this. Your lack of self-worth was what got to me most – I don't know you but I'm getting to know your writing and so, some echo of you. You are talented, your writing has humour, emotion and truth – even this piece, written from a very dark place, conveys so much.

 

Did it help you to write it out? I hope so. :)

Mikiesboy
On 07/04/2016 04:27 AM, northie said:

I'm glad that there was a 'health warnng' when I read this, otherwise I think I would have found it even more upsetting.

 

As I was reading I teared up gradually – for you. For your past and for the present you were living when you wrote and posted this. Your lack of self-worth was what got to me most – I don't know you but I'm getting to know your writing and so, some echo of you. You are talented, your writing has humour, emotion and truth – even this piece, written from a very dark place, conveys so much.

 

Did it help you to write it out? I hope so. :)

Oh northie .. i'm sorry this upset you. This was just a bad moment. Writing always helps .. I started writing when my father threw me out. This helped with some follow up therapy. I fight constantly with myself, my self-doubt, my lack of talent. Mostly things are good now.

 

Thank you for reading this but I'm sorry it upset you.

 

tim

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