Morningstar: The Malaise - 47. Chapter 47 Acceptance

Morningstar: The Malaise

Chapter 47

Kellar's mind swiveled from a kind of euphoria upon leaving the hall to self-doubt as they entered Arthur’s home. It was a crash landing of sorts, and he knew he was going to drive his mate crazy if he said anything. One speculative look from Tobyn was all it took to crumble. Kellar, groaning, joined his mate on the couch.

“I can’t believe what I just fucking did. I said I wasn’t going to encourage what Vega was thinking, or even acknowledge it, but that sure as hell went out the window. I should have taken Arthur there and left, because I ended up pretty much declaring I was Cahlar’s reincarnation. It isn’t true, and I should have damn well known better.”

“Hey, calm down.” Tobyn shifted, and tugged on Kellar so they were laying down on the generous-sized old couch. “First of all, stop beating yourself up, because what you did was amazing. Secondly, I’m not so certain anymore your perception of yourself is accurate, and don’t get in a frazzle for me saying it. Yes, you are Kellar, but the man who spoke to those people was one I hadn’t seen before.”

Kellar, in the midst of running a hand through his hair, stopped all movement. “Meaning?”

“Meaning, you were different. I know you’re freaking out, but I want you to really listen to me. You’ve always had this reluctant aura about you, even the first day we met, but this time the reluctance wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I hope that makes sense. I guess humble might be a better word… or maybe not, but the fact is you hate attention. I watched the mate I know so well become something more, right before my eyes, and that was a you who was confident and commanding. You were comfortable too, and don’t tell me I’m wrong. It was like you were born to… I don’t know… lead people… I saw an alpha standing there… I think all of us did.”

Kellar’s internal flagellation stalled while he drank up Tobyn’s words like water. Alpha?

“What you did was exactly what Vega needed to see… what they wanted to see. Doc, you did shine a bright light into the darkness. You were the prophecy.”

Pulling his gaze away from captivatingly intense hazel, Kellar stared upward, listening to the daytime sounds… birds calling, the scamper of squirrel feet running up the bark of a tree, the bleat of a lamb in the distance… his mind feebly fighting to ignore what he knew to be true. He didn’t understand why he was going back and forth on this; Tobyn was right. What he had done in the meeting hall had been completely out of character for him… for Kellar. Yet, it was him. It wasn’t an act to convince Vega pack. He’d felt ever word he’d spoken. He was on that hill, urging his people to sail off in a new direction… to save themselves. He was ‘Cahlar,’ at least in that moment. He’d known exactly what he was doing, so why did it seem like he’d crossed a line? Why did he feel so regretful? Would he be seen differently from now on?

Another shudder, like the one he’d felt right after he had walked out, traveled through his body again. Loving arms tightened around him while warm lips found his. A tongue explored his mouth, demanding his full attention and refocusing him towards what mattered. Tobyn. His eyes stayed closed when the kiss ended, but a smile crept across his face.

“See. You’re still you. My mate. Nothing’s changed, except for how Vega is looking at their situation right now.”

“You think? I mean about some of the pack changing their minds?”

“I don’t think… I know. I watched their faces. You had them in your pocket, mountain man.”

Mountain man. That’s who he was. Tobyn’s mountain man. “Okay. So what happens now?”

“We stay right where we are and wait, and no more fretting about what you did or who you are or who you aren’t. Delia will be bringing Arthur back soon. You could kiss me if you want, if you need any more convincing.”

“Oh, I want. I can always use a little more convincing.” Kissing helped, and he swallowed down the rest of his pesky unease.

It wasn’t Delia who came through the door. Nor was it Arthur. Clarence literally burst in, and both napping men were instantly awake and sitting up.

“Where’s Arthur?” Kellar asked. “Did something happen?”

“No worries. Arthur is fine and dandy. He’s still at the hall being fussed over by a very happy pack.”

“Very happy?”

“Yes, indeed. No more tension. No more concerns… just took a vote, and it’s unanimous. You convinced them, Kellar, with what you just did. We’re merging with Morningstar, and no one is on the fence. I didn’t even have to talk after you left. Logan said it was pretty plain what we needed to do, and called for a vote. Every hand went up, and I mean right up. I know my people, and they’re all in.”

Tobyn was in the process of standing up, but sat right back down again. “Wow. That is great news, Clarence. Mom will be over the moon.”

“I’ll be calling Elinor once we settle down in the hall. There’s a general discussion going on now regarding the best way to go about this.”

“Anything we can do?”

“For sure we want your input. We’re all essentially the same pack now, so your voices are needed too. Even Arthur is chiming in. The man’s been paying attention.”

Tobyn glanced curiously at Kellar before focusing on the alpha. “So you have no intentions of operating as a separate pack?”

“No way. I’m smart enough to know that would never work. I appreciated the option, but I never seriously considered it.”

“Good. I didn’t think it would work either. Doc, are you okay? You’re awfully quiet.”

Kellar cleared his throat. “I’m good. It’s fantastic news.” His gaze went from Tobyn to the alpha. “Are all those people going to see me as someone else now… someone I don’t want to be?”

Clarence smiled, and it was a sympathetic one. “The mantle of greatness is heavy,” he said wryly, but Kellar didn’t return the smile accompanying his words. “Sorry, I shouldn’t be flippant. I’ve gotten to know what you’re like, so I understand putting yourself out there like that had to have been difficult, but you sure as hell stepped up for all of us.” He hesitated, looking from one man to the other as if trying to formulate what he said next.

“The answer to your question is no. To be frank, ever since your wolf made its appearance our members formed an opinion, and all you did this afternoon was confirm it. You are certainly no ordinary shifter, and you didn’t surprise anyone today, including me. You were inspiring, but it was what they expected. I believe they all know at least some of them will be saying goodbye to these lands for good, and you provided the push they needed to accept such a big change.”

Kellar chose not to question why Clarence thought the move was final for some. It could be about mates who decide to make Morningstar their home of choice, but maybe the alpha saw a permanence to the merging of the two packs. After all, why couldn’t one big pack share both lands? It was a topic for another day, he supposed. So, Vega had already thought of him as Cahlar no matter what he did? Fair enough… he could handle that… it had been out of his hands anyway, with his unusual coat and the painting. With a start, he realized the conversation had stalled and he was being closely observed by both men.

“Ah, yeah… like I said in the hall… destiny is destiny, and if it helps, then so be it. It’s not a heavy mantle unless I let it be.” He smiled then, and heard Tobyn’s sigh of relief. “Let’s go, babe. Our fellow pack members need our input.”

Tobyn chuckled as he stood up. “Over sixty members now. That’s more like it. Mom is going to be doing a happy dance when she hears this.”

Kellar grinned at the image. “Yes, she will, but it’s Miss Sybil’s happy dance that I want to see more than anything.”

The atmosphere was both serious and jovial, with a lot of frowns and a lot of smiles. They’d been in the dining room for about ten minutes answering questions about how Morningstar was set up, what jobs and homes were available, and what the conveniences were. People were pleased to find out how similarly the two packs operated, from communal cooking and chores, right down to the monthly dividend payments. Eventually, much of the talk moved on to the actual transfer of livestock and equipment. Tobyn quickly offered up the big stock trailers from Morningstar, suggesting they were necessary and available for such a large endeavor.

Before too long they were waved over by a robust looking Logan who was engaged in a discussion with a few men about how they would transport the saw mills and planers. Kellar’s interest was piqued when Logan expressed doubt about moving them at all. “From what we know, there’s plenty of work to keep us all busy, so is it in everyone’s best interest to keep our lumber production going? It would take all the manpower of Vega and more to harvest and mill a new tract of land, so where’s the gain?”

“That’s a good point,” Dougal concurred. “That wouldn’t solve Morningstar’s manpower shortage, for sure not where heavier work is required.”

Tobyn nodded. “True, but it’s about what Vega pack wants to do. My mother assumes you’d want to continue what you’ve always done, and she would never stand in the way of that.”

Dougal, Percy, and Ian all laughed, and Logan smiled. Ian spoke first. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of logging. The idea of working at a marina, and being out on the water… that sounds pretty damn good to me.”

“I wouldn’t mind that either, or spending more time working with livestock,” Percy added. “I used to do it with my dad when I was a kid, before he passed away. And Dougal, haven’t you always wanted to work on vehicles and equipment full time? You’re the best mechanic we’ve got.”

Dougal nodded thoughtfully. “If I could choose, I guess, yeah. I like logging and milling all right, but I prefer to work on the equipment and vehicles more.”

“This is interesting… and unexpected,” Tobyn commented. “I can tell you Denver would be ecstatic to have another mechanic. All we have is him and an apprentice right now, and they can’t keep up.”

“See, that’s what I’m saying,” Logan said enthusiastically. “Maybe when the dust settles, we can do some small scale lumber production, but still hold off on going after any big contracts for a while. A larger pack requires more resources, with more mouths to feed and houses to heat, so I’m thinking we should concentrate on what already works at the new place first. From what we’ve heard, Morningstar, while doing well, is stretched too thin, and we already know what that feels like. I, for one, don’t want to go back to being under the gun all the time.”

Kellar was impressed. He was seeing strong leadership coming from Logan, yet it was subtle. There was definitely alpha potential in Tilly’s mate, and that boded well for the future.

“He’s good, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he’s his father’s son without a doubt,” Tobyn agreed.

“Good points, Logan. That would be ideal, but what would your dad think about not carrying on with your traditional work?” Tobyn asked.

“His dad thinks that’s our best approach,” Clarence said as he joined the table. “Excuse me for butting in, but I heard the conversation. Logan brought this up to me earlier, and I think it’s a very smart way to proceed. We can’t expect to have it both ways, nor should we even want to. As long as we secure this place well, and keep all the equipment maintained, I see no reason to move anything unless we decide later on it’s in the best interest of our combined packs, or if we happen to have security issues here. If we need the revenue, then of course we can go back into operation at Morningstar. I doubt anyone will disagree with that.”

“My mom sure won’t,” Tobyn said. “So, the biggest move would be the livestock then?”

“And the already milled lumber. I would be reluctant to leave something so valuable here unattended. Besides, it’s something we can contribute to the pot. We could make a trip each week, whenever it’s convenient, over the rest of the summer. One flatbed can handle the job, and we have to make trips anyway to look after the gardens and harvest all the food we’ve planted. It wouldn’t be that big an undertaking, spread over time, and we’re used to moving a lot of lumber. What about storage at Morningstar until it’s sold?”

“Not a problem. We have a couple of empty buildings behind the highway store. We did sell consigned lumber at one time, so we could do it again now that there’d be enough workers.” Tobyn was grinning widely now.

“Sounds good, doesn’t it, babe?”

“It’s exciting. Everything is falling into place, and we won’t have to feel guilty when we travel again. There’ll be lots of help for each division.”

Clarence took his leave, a pleased expression on his face, and Kellar and Tobyn soon followed. They gravitated to Delia and Arthur’s table next, where Kellar did a quick check on his patient. Every time he saw that repaired pattern, he had to tamp down his emotion. “How are you doing, Arthur?”

“I feel good, Cahlar. I want to go see Sybil.”

“I know you do, and as soon as the time is right, we’ll take you to Morningstar.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Ah, I’m not sure if that’s possible. We’ll see, okay?”

“It’s hard. My wolf gets upset.”

“I know, but you have to keep control of him. Don’t you want to be completely healed when you see your mate again?” Kellar watched the war going on behind those eyes. He had real sympathy for what Miss Sybil’s mate was going through.

“Yes. I feel good,” he repeated, as if that was enough.

Kellar smiled. “Another day, and you’ll be even better. Meanwhile, all these people around you are happy because they see their elder doing well.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you,” Delia answered. “It means a lot that you can talk to us after all these years. You played a big part in our decision to move to Morningstar.”

“Sybil’s at Morningstar.”

“She is, and all your friends will be there too.” Delia patted the man’s hand.

“Yes.”

Kellar watched his eyes clear. Arthur seemed satisfied, at least for the moment.

“He comes across as childlike, doesn’t he?” Tobyn sent, and Kellar picked up a deeper question inside his head.

“He’s relearning a lot of skills. His thought and reasoning processes are functioning, though. That was one messed up brain, so he’s doing better than I hoped. I expect seeing Miss Sybil will make a big difference to how quickly and how far he progresses, because being with her will calm him down. It’s hard to make big improvements when his wolf is so agitated.”

“He’s not the only one who’s anxious for their reunion.”

“I’m with you. I don’t know if I could be as strong as Arthur if I knew you were miles away from me.”

“The idea of ever being separated from you again scares the hell out of me, doc.”

“Won’t happen, babe. Once was enough.”

Tobyn gave a slight head bob in agreement and Kellar refocused on his patient. “So, Arthur? Are you ready to go back to your house yet? You really should get some rest now.”

“No.”

Delia snickered. “Are you hungry?”

“Yes. Supper is soon.”

“Something smells good,” Tobyn said.

“Okay, we’ll stay for supper but then you have to go back to bed. All right?”

“Yes. I will do as you say, Cahlar.”

Kellar and Tobyn were standing back out of the way while the tables were being set. There were still discussions going on here and there, but a few people had left to take care of responsibilities. Like Morningstar, meals were stretched over a few hours.

“Some of the members are quieter than others, but I don’t see anyone who seems upset with the decision to merge. I need to call Mom at some point.”

“Clarence has disappeared so maybe he’s calling her now. He told us he would be when things settled down, and it looks like they have.”

Kellar watched as an older couple named Ulrich and Millie walked hand in hand toward them. They were probably in their late fifties or early sixties, and they were giving off a nervous vibe, but there was also a determination in their steps.

“Thank you for what you did for our dear old friend,” Ulrich said as he held out his hand. Kellar, and then Tobyn, shook hands with the man as Millie looked on, her expression displaying her unease.

Her voice broke as she spoke. “Ulrich and I appreciate all you’ve done, we really do, and we see how much better our lives will be at Morningstar. It sounds wonderful.”

“It is a great place, but we understand how hard this is for some of you,” Tobyn said with genuine sympathy.

“Yes, it is hard, especially leaving the graves of our children.”

A lump rose in Kellar’s throat. These were the ones Delia had spoken of… the parents of three dead children.

“We’re so sorry….”

“Thank you,” Millie said, “but, we’ve made our peace with not visiting them as often. We plan to come back whenever we can. This move is best for all of us, and we accept it, but that is not why we waited to speak with just the two of you. We’d like to ask something of you.”

“What’s on your mind, Millie? Ask anything you want. If I don’t have the answer, Tobyn will. He knows Morningstar inside out.”

Millie exchanged a nervous look with her husband. “We’re sorry, but this isn’t about Morningstar. It’s about Ulrich and me.”

Kellar’s eyes flickered to the man and back again, noting the trepidation they both carried. “Why are you apologizing?”

Millie stammered. “We… we understand the importance of mates, but we don’t think we can do it.” The woman appeared to steel herself, standing straighter. “We love each other, and we always have.”

“That’s great… oh….” Kellar waited.

“Yes, it is, and, uh… we have a favor to ask and we know it’s selfish, and we don’t want to go against the earth mother, but….”

“You don’t want me to find your mates for you,” Kellar finished for the woman.

“No… I mean yes… that’s right. We don’t want to know if you see our patterns when you travel, and we don’t want you to tell anyone who matches, about us. We know it’s selfish, but I could never leave my Ulrich and he could never leave me.”

Ulrich vigorously nodded his agreement.

Kellar’s hand sought out his mate’s. “It’s not selfish, Millie. Love is love. You two are lucky to have found it with each other, and that’s something we understand.” He smiled as he felt his hand being squeezed. “Of course I will respect your wishes, and I don’t want you to feel guilty for how you both feel. We have enough matches now to make us all healthy, and now we added another pair with Arthur and his mate. Before long, having families will become possible for shifters again, and the way the earth mother has looked after us, and allows us to share energy, we don’t all need to find our mates for that to happen.”

“Do you think it’s fair to those who are intended to be our earth mates?” Millie was struggling with her guilt, and that question showed just how much.

Kellar was glad when Tobyn took over. “Kellar may never find those matches, so I wouldn’t concern yourself. Look how many couples have built happy lives and families in the old days while never laying eyes on their earth mates. Not to be morbid, but with the constant decline of our numbers, it’s quite possible your matches are no longer alive. I think you should count your blessings for what you’ve found with each other.”

“A very wise woman once told me we all have free will. There have been those who've walked away from mates in the past, because their love for someone else was so strong. It’s the joining that cements the bond and makes it unbreakable. Up until then, we have a choice.” Kellar’s gaze traveled to his mate, locking eyes with him for a few seconds while remembering the uncertainty of their own journey. “Okay?”

“Yes.” A weight appeared to lift from the woman, and her smile was endearing. “I do love my Ulrich, so much.”

“And I love my Millicent,” Ulrich enthused. “Thank you for understanding, Cahlar.”

There it was again, that pronunciation, but it didn’t faze Kellar in the least. “It’s a very easy thing to understand, Ulrich, and I see no reason for anyone else to know of our conversation. It will stay between us if you like.”

Millie sighed in relief. “We would like that very much, yes. We will help our pack… our new pack, in any way we can, but we couldn’t see our way past this. It would have been too much to bear. We’ve lost our children, but we still have each other.”

“Walk with me, mountain man. I have to get out of here.” They had just watched a now-relaxed Millie and Ulrich turn away and head to a table, still hand in hand.

“What about supper? They’re starting to put it out.”

“Forget about your stomach,” Tobyn ordered with a quaver in his voice. “I need some air.”

“Of course. Sorry.” Kellar followed his mate outside, surprised at how quickly he was moving. “Hold on, babe. What’s wrong?”

Tobyn continued his pace, and didn’t slow until they had reached the quiet street their temporary home was situated on. Kellar kept abreast, and waited until Tobyn was ready to speak “Nothing’s wrong.” Tobyn stopped under some spreading branches that gave respite from the afternoon sun. “Millie and Ulrich just drove home what we’re asking when we search out mates, and I needed a moment… one of my dumb shit moments.”

Kellar’s first response was to wrap his arms around his mate. “Don’t do that. There’s nothing dumb about caring as much as you do, but the key word in all this is asking. We’re only asking, not demanding. Every shifter we come across will have free will to make their choices, just like that sweet couple. And we won't ever question those decisions, right?”

Tobyn nodded, keeping his face pressed against Kellar’s shoulder.

“Some couples will be like Joanne and Dolan, who opt for the chance at having their earth mate, and some will be like Millie and Ulrich who choose differently.”

“They belong together,” Tobyn said, his voice muffled. “I didn’t want to get emotional in there and draw attention. There are times when it’s not going to be as easy as those two couples, though. People are going to get hurt. We’ll be throwing dynamite into relationships as we go along. Some couples aren’t going to be in agreement when they're faced with the certainty one of them has an earth mate.”

“I hear what you’re saying. I dread it too, but we knew there would be rough spots.”

“They’re a beautiful couple, aren’t they? That was a good reminder for me that love is love, and no love takes a back seat to what earth mates have.”

“It was the same for me, babe. I know in my heart I would have loved you no matter what.”

Tobyn pulled back and looked into Kellar’s eyes. “Oh, you’re good. Quite the sweet talker. I think that earns you some supper, and….” Tobyn’s words were cut off by a kiss Kellar needed as much as he knew his mate did.

“Don’t need supper,” Kellar murmured when their lips parted. “I’m full up on love.”

“You might want to rethink that, “Tobyn teased. “I have a feeling you’ll be needing lots of energy tonight.”

Kellar chuckled. “Are you okay now?”

“Perfect.”

“All right then. Let’s go eat. All of a sudden, I’m starving.”