Tales of the Underground: Velocity - 45. Now and Forever

A year ago I started my journey as a writer here on GA. It's been a long one, but I don't regret a single word I've written. For a while now I've been planning some type of bonus chapter for Velocity's anniversary but went back and forth on if I should even release one. That is, until I spoke about it with my new editor, who came up with the idea of a chapter from adult Eli's perspective. I hope this can bring as much closure to those of you who wanted it, as it did for me.

*Disclaimer: This chapter contains major spoilers from book 2: Crestfallen*

*Edited by: JayT*

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Seeing signs with my name on them, seeing fans with my number painted on their face, hearing my name chanted…it was all so bittersweet. Twenty years playing in the NHL gone in what feels like a blink of the eye. It’s been a rocky road. From the night my world fell apart, all the way up to fighting my substance abuse…but New Jersey has had my back through it all. “Eli! Eli! Eli! Eli!...” the crowd roared louder as warm ups for the final game of my career came to a close.

There I stood, alone on the ice as all my teammates skated off, giving me one last intimate pregame moment with the people that have grown to feel more like family than fans. It’s been a disappointing season for the devils, yet the crowd was roaring just as loud as they did when I brought three cups here. I fought off tears as I looked around one last time before stepping off the ice. I don’t know their names, but I recognize their faces. They’ve been here since day one, giving me nothing but support. Just like he used to. I smiled, seeing a familiar blue eyed man sitting with his family in the front row next to players. He and Jayden have brought their boys to as many games as possible; and there’s no one I’d rather see have front row seats for the last game of my career.

For whatever reason, their cheers were the only ones I could hear for the rest of the night. Aidan’s treated me like a brother ever since we met in the hallways of Belmont. At the time, I tried everything in my power to scare him off; but the short bastard never quit on me…I owe him my life for that.

As the final seconds counted down in the one-one game, I knew the stage was slowly being set up for my perfect ending. It’s been a shitty season, but we’re going to give these fans a good ending, and me-I’m ending this career with everything I’ve got.

The second the puck dropped in overtime, I was off to the races, just like when I was a nineteen-year-old making my NHL debut. The restless crowd once more began to chant my name, just like they had been doing all night when I touched the puck; but this time I was going to make it count. I put everything I had into my skates as I broke out of my own zone, mind set on one target and one target only. I easily sped past the first forward before dancing around the defenseman and finding myself in my favorite situation- one-on-one battles. Jamie and I practiced them a million times as kids; and well, this one’s for him. I gently cradled the puck as the defenseman rushed me accidently blocking the goalies view and giving me exactly what I wanted. The second the puck came off the blade of my stick, I knew there was nothing that could stop it. The perfectly placed shot soared between the defenseman’s legs and right past the goalie into the top right corner.

For the last time in my life, I would hear the buzzer blare for one of my goals. For the last time, I would get to walk away the hero of the game; and you better believe I enjoyed every second of it. Before anyone had the chance to jump on me, I pointed one finger up to the sky-to the one that’s been watching from above, the one that’s with me every second of the day. The one that’s never left my side.

That night, I walked off the ice to chants of my name. There’s no place I’d have rather lived out my dream. No place I’d rather grown into the man I am today. When I finally finished up my post-game interviews, I was berated with invites from my teammates to go out and celebrate my last game; but I turned them down, knowing that my two biggest fans were outside waiting for me.

“What kind of irresponsible parents let two ten-year-olds stay out this late?” I teased, rolling down my window as I reached the part of the fencing where fans patiently waited in hopes to get autographs.

“What can we say?” Jayden shrugged as his husband was slowly working on signing items for his own growing crowd. “They wouldn’t be able to sleep without seeing their hero.”

“You and Aidan are their heroes.” I shook my head as the two young boys reached out to me. Once more, the roars of the crowd seemed to grow quiet compared to the talk of the four most important people in my life. “Same spot as always?”

“Oh yeah.” Aidan nodded, redirecting his fans towards me. I took a few seconds to sign a few spare sticks or photos so that Aidan could get away. My own damn stadium and he’s still getting the star treatment; then again, being the longest lightweight champion in UFC history, he’s earned it.

When I was sure he got away, I threw my new bright red mustang into drive and hit it. I never could get away from mustangs. People always asked ‘why?’. They told me I was torturing myself, that I was haunting myself with memories of him; but why the hell shouldn’t I? Seeing bright red mustangs don’t remind me of my loss; they remind me of the happiness I shared with him, of my time with him. Don’t get me wrong, those times weren’t perfect by any means; but we were happy, and that’s always how I’ll remember him.

I laid on my horn as I pulled next to the family friendly car the Taylor-Sanders drove, knowing exactly how to push Aidan’s buttons. “Come on man!” He yelped as he climbed out of his car. “Like your car isn’t loud enough!”

“It’s not,” I laughed. As I stepped out of the car I was immediately met by hugs from my two biggest fans. “You boys enjoy the game?”

“Yup,” Matty eagerly let out, gripping my leg a little bit tighter than usual. “Can I sit next to you at the table?”

“Sure thing bud.” I smiled as I led them through the big doors of the diner. For years now, after every weekend game, I would take the boys out to this diner. It was my way of making sure that no matter how busy I got, I always made time for them.

As our late night snack dragged on I could tell that something was different with Matty. Every now and then he would scoot closer to me or grab onto my arm. It was like he was scared of something, an attribute that wasn’t like him at all.

“Matthew tenu lo merevakh,” Jayden reprimanded. All these years of being around them and I still don’t know a single Hebrew word. The young boy nodded and gently gave me more space. “Sorry.” Jayden laughed embarrassingly. “He’s been a bit more dependent lately.”

I looked to Aidan, but saw the same exhausted face that Jayden was wearing. “Everything alright?” I softly asked, waiving him back to my side.

“Where do you think we go after we die?” he pushed out, looking up at me with innocent eyes.

“Matthew! Lo shoalim sheelott kaelu!” Jayden scolded him once more in a language I didn’t understand.

“But I want to know!” He kept his eyes on me.

“Sorry,” Aidan exhaled in a tired voice. “The boys learned about death at the synagogue last Sunday.” He rolled his eyes thinking about the situation he found himself in. “As if being the gay parents that box and own a tattoo shop didn’t get us in enough trouble, apparently teaching our kids about heaven wasn’t ideal either.”

“They don’t believe in heaven there.” Jayden quickly explained. “Sometimes I wonder why we still go. They don’t believe in a lot of the same stuff we do,” he confessed, grabbing onto his husband’s hand.

“Because it teaches them good morals,” Aidan confidently supported. “And this one needs that,” he teased gently nudging a sleepy Eli next to him.

“Do not,” he mumbled, barely able to keep his eyes open. “I listen better than Matty.”

“Do you believe in heaven?” Matthew asked, not able to leave the subject alone. “Aba says that’s where Uncle Matthew and Uncle Jamie are. Is that true?”

“Matthew!” Aidan sternly let out, worried about how I would react to the question.

“Yep,” I confidently nodded. “It’s okay, they should know.” I smiled, dismissing Aidan and Jayden’s fears. “Matty and Jamie are in heaven, watching over us. You want to know a secret?” I encouraged, as the young boy quickly nodded his head. “Sometimes, they even come down and walk with us.”

“Really?” Matthew asked, hope beginning to fill his eyes.

I smiled and nodded once more. “Like tonight, I know Jamie was with me. I could feel him out there on the ice with me.” I gently placed my hand on the young boy’s chin. “They give us that extra push when we don’t have any left in the tank.”

“But don’t you miss him?” Eli piped up, but was met with a silencing nudge from his father.

“Yeah,” I confessed. “There’s not a day I don’t, but he was sick.” I began to explain. “His mom died when he was a few years older than you and he just couldn’t get rid of the sadness.” I tried my best to explain it to a ten-year-old. “He tried his hardest to run from it, but it caught up to him.”

“How do I get rid of your sadness?” Matty asked, placing his hand over my heart. “I don’t want it to catch up to you.”

I pulled him in close, and held him tightly. “Your dads helped me get rid of it when I was younger. I tried to run from it too. I tried to use anything I could to get away from the pain; but there are some times where you have to feel the pain. Some times where you have to get knocked down.” I gently pushed him away, but kept my hands on his shoulders. “But what does your dad do when he gets knocked down in the cage?”

“He fights.” Eli answered from across the table, as his brother grew too emotional to respond.

“Exactly!” I encouraged. “So, when pain comes, don’t run from it Matthew. Fight like hell. Show it how strong you are.”

“But what if I’m not strong enough?” he forced out, doing his best to hide scared tears.

“That’s why you have your Dads, and Eli and me,” I explained, embracing him once more. “No matter what happens, we’ll always be there to pick you back up.”

“And Uncle Jamie and Uncle Matty too,” Eli called out, quickly grasping onto the lesson I was trying to convey.

“If Uncle Jamie went to his family,” Matthew forced out, “would he still be alive?”

“I think so,” I exhaled, thinking back on the self-destructive teen he had become towards the end of his life. “The problem was that he loved his family so much that he didn’t want them to see his pain.”

“But why?” Eli asked, forcing his way past his fathers and to my side of the booth.

“Boys,” Aidan began, “let’s not make Uncle Eli talk about things that make him…”

“It’s okay, Aidan.” I smiled, looking up at him. “I’m not ashamed to talk about it, you know that.” He took a deep breath and nodded his head. One of the first things I learned in rehab was to accept everything that happened. That I needed to see it for what it really was. That I needed to accept how sick Jamie had become. “Because his sisters and dad were also still sad about their mom, so he didn’t want them to be sad about him too.”

“So he tried to carry all their sadness?” Eli continued to question, as Matty buried his head into me.

“Exactly.” I regretfully nodded. “He didn’t realize that no one can do everything on their own.”

“Which is exactly why you need to hug your Uncle Eli extra tight tonight.” Jayden nodded, beginning to support the conversation. “So that he knows that he’s not on his own.”

“I love you Uncle Eli,” both boys let out, as Eli joined his brother in hugging me. I spent so many years when I was a teenager thinking I’d grow old alone. Thinking that nothing awaited me but even more misery. But as I started to heal, and Aidan took a bigger role in my life, I knew I had found a family.

“Please, please don’t be sad,” Matty begged, his face still buried in my side.

“I miss them both,” I repeated. “But, I’m not sad. They wouldn’t want me to be.”

“No, they wouldn’t,” Jayden reassured me, giving me a comforting smile. Sometimes I forget the weight that fell on his shoulders; losing his brother like that. He’s gone through the same hell as me; but we made it to the other side, together.

“It’s getting late.” I exhaled as the boys finally let go. “And I think it’s past someone’s bedtime.”

“It’s certainly past mine.” Aidan groaned, waiving over his children.

“No!” Matty protested. “Can I stay with Uncle Eli tonight?”

“Maybe not tonight buddy.” I laughed, running my hand through his hair. “Next Saturday night, I promise.”

“Can I come too!” Eli popped up in excitement.

“Yup,” I smiled. “If that’s okay with your dads.”

“Eli are you sure?” Jayden checked, giving me a cautious look. “They can be a bit of a handful, and if they…”

“He’s sure!” Aidan cutoff in relief.

I couldn’t help but laugh at their exchange as we all began to make our way to the door. “I’m positive.”

The boys ran around with excitement for a few more minutes until their fatigue finally caught up with them. “Hey man,” Aidan let out, as his husband began to settle their kids into the car. “I’m sorry if they asked too many…”

“Don’t be.” I interrupted him, pulling him in for a hug. “People need to hear Jamie’s story. They need to know it’s okay to ask for help. They need to learn from his mistakes.”

Aidan let out a deep breath as we separated and took a long look at me. “Is that what awaits you, now that hockey is done?”

“Yeah,” I softly nodded. “I’m not sure how yet, but I’ll find a way.”

He proudly smiled and opened the passenger’s side of the car. “I know you will.”

“Babe!” Jayden groaned. “Can’t you drive! I’ve been taking care of the boys all day!”

“I’ve been training all day,” Aidan argued back as I discreetly snuck into my car. I’ve rarely seen love as strong as theirs, but when they start to bicker…well it’s time to get the hell out of Dodge! I looked back at the small family car as I pulled out. Watch over them Jamie and Matthew…they’re more like the 2 of you than you know.

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The next morning, I went about my normal Sunday ritual. I get up at the crack of dawn, drive over to the local cemetery and lay flowers on Jason’s grave, then on Matty’s, and finally on Jamie’s.

“Here I am.” I exhaled, sitting down on the grass and placing my hand on the cold grey slab. “Hockey’s officially in the rearview mirror.” I spoke as if he could respond. Another thing people label me crazy for, but I know he’s listening, and I know he’s with me. “But don’t worry about me. I’m with family.” I explained to the open air. “I’m with Aidan, Jayden and the twins.” I shook my head and looked down at the weather worn grave under my hand. “I miss you more than anyone can imagine, but I know your time was up. I know that this was how it had to happen,” I confessed. “You’re free Jamie, I accept that.” I could feel tears begin to form in my eyes, just like they did every Sunday. “You were ready to go, and I couldn’t hold you back anymore. Just leave a light on for me up there in the stars. I’m not coming up anytime soon, but when I do I…I know you’ll be there to welcome me home.” I shook my head as memories of our time together began to flood my brain.

“I love you Jamie Free, now and forever.”