Mike Finds Himself - 1. Is This the Man I Want to Be? 

“We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Mike, in a daze sat in the pew as the funeral service for his cousin, George, went on and on and on. George had a stroke at the age of 47. His three sons and two daughters sat surrounding their mother in the first pew. The youngest was a sophomore at university and the oldest, George Junior, at the age of 28 was the father of three.

As children Mike and George were inseparable. As the priest continued Mike reminisced about his cousin who was two years older. Summers they visited their grandparent’s farm for at least a month. Grandma called her skinny grandsons a pair of toothpicks. In the cool of the mornings the boys toiled in the large garden while their grandfather was at work at the saw mill. Most their afternoons were free and they often wondered off to the forest where boys did what boys did.

Mike and George were no longer skinny toothpicks. Mike thought about the sedentary life both he and his cousin had developed. Both were chubby and ‘out of shape’. While it was unusual for a man of 47 to suddenly die as George had his lifestyle had not discouraged the grim reaper.

As Mike with his wife, Maggie, and children, Kathy a freshman at State University who had come home for her uncle’s funeral and Pete a high school senior, drove home after the cemetery service and reception in the Church’s Parish Hall they stopped at a convenience store. While Maggie bought milk and yogurt, Mike picked up a six pack of Coors Light, two packs of cigarettes and his favorite ice cream, Ben & Jerry’s Cookies and Cream with a Cheesecake core. These would get him through the evening as he mourned the loss of his cousin.

Sitting on the deck later that cool evening he held a cigarette in one hand, Coors Light in the other with the container of ice cream on the table. There was no need for a dish as he would eat the entire pint. Since his wife and children had made it clear they did not want second hand smoke in the house he took refuge on the deck although it was only 55 (13 C) outside.

His thoughts wandered back to the 1970s. Those were splendid summers with his cousin George who he idolized. The summer of 1977 he recalled best. He remembered looking forward to the pissing contests he and George had. At two years older his cousin’s bigger dick always produced a stream that outdistanced his. He didn’t care. What he enjoyed was just being able to check out George’s piece. One hot day following a long piss where the boys were concealed by bushes in the forest George said, “Mike, Have you ever jacked-off?” When the younger boy gave his cousin a blank look George continued. “It’s time you learned the joy of being a man.” Since both had just pissed their dicks were still sticking out of their pants. “Watch me.” George wrapped his hand around his soft dick and began stroking. Almost immediately it was hard. Suddenly Mike felt his dick getting hard, just from watching. “Stroke it like I’m doing.” The sensation that Mike felt was amazing. He had observed his dick being hard before but had never touched it. Both boys stroked. Suddenly George called out, “I’m cumming.” To the amazement of Mike white stuff spurted out of the piss hole. George’s body quivered. “That was the strongest cumming I have ever had. You keep going. See what happens.” Suddenly Mike’s body quivered like Georges. He had a wonderful feeling in this dick and then nothing. “Don’t worry. Although you are not shooting loads yet, I am sure within a year you will blast off like I did.” George shook the last drop off his dick and placed it back in his pants. Then George asked, “Do you know about making babies?” Since again a blank stare was the reply George continued, “I’ll tell you all about it.” George then gave a lecture on girls’ anatomy and how to fuck. The lecture was based on what information and misinformation a 14 year old would know. As he concluded, “So my little cousin, when you shoot like I did you are a man and will be able to make babies.” That evening they had another jack off session in the bedroom they shared. From that day Mike did it daily, sometimes more often. The sessions he enjoyed most were when he was with his cousin and he could checkout the two year older and larger piece of equipment. When at home, alone, he did it in his bedroom. He always had that special feeling as his body shook. One day about six months later a few drops dribbled out. With each passing day more came out until soon his quantity and intensity was matching George’s.

Two years later when George was 16 and Mike 14 the older cousin announced, “It’s OK for boys to jerkoff together but men should save it for something better.” A greatly disappointed Mike continued doing it solo. He soon met George’s new girlfriend. Mike asked his cousin if he and Mary were doing it. George replied, “A gentleman never replies to such questions.” Two years later when Mike attended George’s high school graduation he admired the handsome 18 year old cousin and was a little jealous of the attention he was giving his girlfriend, Mary. He did not know their secret that was covered by Mary’s graduation gown. At the end of the summer George Junior was born to the recently quickly married couple.

Mike went into the house for another Coors. Stopping for a piss he looked at the soft dick he was holding. His belly fat was hiding half of it. He no longer had a desire to jackoff. In fact he had lost all interest in using it. It had been more than ten years since he and Maggie had done it. She did not pursue him and his dick did not ask to have fun.

Back on the deck he continued his thoughts of George.

The following day, Sunday, Mike was again on the deck with his Coors, cigarettes and another pint of Ben and Jerry’s he had purchased when he had gone out to get the Sunday newspaper.

As he sat muddling over his boring life and unexpected passing of his cousin he watched his neighbor, Dale, mowing the lawn. The bright spot of the day was to watch the physically fit older man working and sweating. He and Maggie had attended Dale’s 50^th birthday party the previous month. How did a 50 year old guy have such a handsome body? George was disappointed when the lawn was finished and Dale went into his house. Then about fifteen minutes Mike watched his neighbor came out of the house and move furniture on his deck. Soon a smiling Dale was walking across his yard toward him. “Mike, could you give me a hand. I’m getting ready to stain my deck and need to move the table onto the lawn temporarily.”

Mike smiled and replied, “Sure.” Mike was smitten by the smile on the face of the man with a lanky body. The wet from sweat tank top revealed each nipple. The bulge in the shorts indicated a mighty piece. As Mike followed his neighbor he ogled the firm ass with a line of sweat running down the crack. As they lifted the table over a railing Dale raised his arms. Mike noticed the neatly trimmed arm pits. He knew they were trimmed as a year earlier he had seen Dale’s pits as he stretched while they discussed lawn fertilizers. At that time the pits held thick thatches of dark, sweaty hair. Today the pits were neatly trimmed. Mike immediately wondered, ‘What else does he trim?’ He did not think it was strange that he would remember the details of another man’s armpits seen a year earlier.

While the older man easily maneuvered the table Mike was struggling with the weight of it. As he returned to his deck and beer he had mixed emotions. Observing the trim, lean, sweaty body of his neighbor had been a delight while the fact that he had difficulty moving the table while the older man did it with ease depressed him.

That night in bed his thoughts went from a low of thinking about the untimely death of his, like himself, out of shape cousin and the high of seeing up close the sweaty, muscular body of Dale. Those thoughts consumed him all day Monday. In bed Tuesday and Wednesday he was restless as he alternately thought of cousin, George, and sweaty Dale. Since he rarely had a meaningful conversation with anyone in his family no one noticed his dispirited feelings. The fact that no one cared about him threw him into a greater funk.

On Tuesday afternoon a package from Amazon arrived for Pete, his eighteen year old son. He took the package upstairs and without thinking opened his son’s closed door. To his surprise and the horror of his son, Pete was laying on the bed, pants down to his ankles, stroking an impressive dick while watching porn on the computer screen on his desk. Mike dropped the package on the floor and quickly retreated. That evening Mike went upstairs and stood at his son’s open door as the boy sat at his desk doing homework. “May I come in?” His son gave a growl of “Yea.”

Mike entered the room and shut the door. “Pete, I apologize for walking in without knocking. I want to assure you that what you were doing was very natural for a teenager. I did the same when I was your age.” With a chuckle, “Except I had to use magazines that I borrowed from my dad’s secret collection, not a computer for inspiration. God created you to get pleasure from doing it. Without that pleasure there would be no incentive to create babies. You can please yourself with your fist or with another person. Until you can support a family the fist is the best choice. One suggestion, please, in the future lock your door. It is something your mother would not want to see and something I am sure you would not want to share with your sister. Now, back to our studies. Good night.”

That night while he contemplated his miserable life he had another concern. Just as he had done years ago his son was getting pleasure. Why did he have no desire to do it? He also visualized the impressive dick his son was stroking. Then he admonished himself, ‘Fathers did not have such thoughts about their son’s anatomy’.

Earlier that week he had searched middle aged men issues on the web. According to what he discovered at his age he should be almost as horny as a teenager. Why was his life nothing? What did he have to live for?

Again Wednesday he could not sleep. He got up and walked to the kitchen planning to have a Coors and a cigarette.

He noted a glow coming in the kitchen window. Looking out the window he saw a full moon on a clear night. Stepping out on the deck he saw twinkling stars. The quietness and calmness of the night soothed him. He looked up to the moon and said out loud, “Hey world, as of this moment this guy is going to reverse his dismal life.”

“STARTING THIS MOMENT, No more cigarettes, no more than one beer a day, no more Ben and Jerry’s, no more junk food, I will get proper exercise, I will get involved with other people, no more self-pity.”

Following taking a glass of water he returned to bed. For the first time since the funeral he felt at ease as he thought about ways he could improve his middle aged life.