-- Chapter 39 --

Matt had apologised more than once for missing the anniversary of Julie’s death, and so, in the quiet days between Christmas and New Year, he made good on the promise to take Levi back to his old hometown. Their plans were to visit Julie’s grave, check in with the real estate agency handling the sale of the old house, and also give Jamie a look around the place where they had all come from.

With the Navara packed with suitcases and gear, the four of them set off, leaving behind the coastal plains and climbing into the Great Dividing Range. Once they had crossed the divide, the bushland and forests gave way to open country, with paddocks dry and pale under the mid-summer sun. Levi watched the familiar landscape slide past and felt the old double pull – a low ache of missing it all, and a steadier contentment with the life he was now building on the coast. Jamie, the only one of them not born to this particular stretch of country, sat quietly taking it all in. Jamie may have been a country boy himself but had never been this far inland.

After arriving mid-afternoon, they settled in with Matt’s parents, before the entire family went out to dinner at one of the local pubs, where they were also joined by Luke’s parents. The next morning they went to the cemetery with fresh flowers. Matt, Luke and Jamie all hung back at first, giving Levi some alone time, but when he saw Levi’s shoulders start to shake, Jamie stepped in. He didn’t say anything. He simply put his arms around his brother’s shoulders. And Levi let him.

The following day they met the real estate agent at the old house. A sale was finally imminent. Jamie, confused, asked what they meant by “your house.” The explanation that followed — Julie’s death, the unsettled estate, the long wait – left him wide-eyed.

‘So, what does that mean? You’re what . . . rich, or something?’

Luke laughed. ‘Not quite, mate.’

They told him the practical realities. About what happens when people die and property has to be distributed, debts have to be paid. How the real world works. Levi was learning as he went, and their dads felt that Jamie should be aware of how life moves also . . . for better or for worse.

Later, while they were all sitting on the veranda, Levi mentioned Cockatoo Creek – the camping trip, the river, the skinny-dipping, Matt’s fall and broken leg, the old graves. Jamie listened with growing excitement and was only slightly appeased by the promise that they would bring him back at Easter, and they would visit the campsite then.

After a couple of days of showing Jamie around the town, including the lookout and some old haunts, and catching up with friends, including DJ and Dwayne, and Hoss and Phil – none of whom had seen Matt since the accident – then it was time to head back to the coast. Jamie had mixed feelings, as he had enjoyed spending some time back in a familiar environment to that which he had grown up in, but he knew that his future was in front of him, and it was a future that included beaches and surf, and he was looking forward to everything that would bring.

***

2018 rolled into 2019. The summer stretched out. There were lawns to be mowed. And there was neither sight nor sound of Casey. Rumour had it that he had left town for good. A warrant for his arrest, for him missing his court date, remained outstanding. But the silence surrounding him was deafening.

As Year 10 began for Levi and Brooke, Jimmy and Dan, there was change, and anticipation, in the air. It would be their last year at Thompsonville Central and, with the absence of Casey, the pallor that had hung over their world towards the end of last year had lifted. There was a renewed hope that this year would be different.

It was the start of Year 8 for Jamie, at a school where he had only just learned the lay of the land towards the end of the previous year. There had been so much going on back then that he’d barely had a chance to meet anyone he could call a friend, but this year, right from the start, things were different.

Within weeks, he had attached himself to a quiet boy named Robert, and over a short period of time they became inseparable. One evening Jamie confessed to Levi, in a rush of embarrassment, that he liked Robert – liked him in the way that made his heart race and stomach tighten. Levi listened without judgement.

‘I won’t say anything to Dad or Luke,’ he said. ‘But please be careful. Follow what’s real, and just . . . don’t rush it, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Jamie had replied. He wasn’t sure if he knew exactly what Levi was saying, but he did get the message about not rushing things.

When Jamie found out that Robert was an altar boy for Father Costas, he began tagging along with Levi to church some Sunday mornings. Levi didn’t go every Sunday, as life was busy and work often beckoned – even if he knew that he was supposed to rest on Sundays – but at least he hadn’t forsaken the church entirely, and he still helped Father Costas regularly with the gardens and the church grounds. He valued his friendship with Father, and especially valued his advice, and wasn’t surprised at all when Father mentioned one day that he had noticed the friendship between Levi’s brother and his altar boy.

‘It seems that snuck up on me while I wasn’t looking,’ Father said with a chuckle one afternoon, as he and Levi noticed the other two boys sitting side by side on the low stone wall. ‘It’s a good thing that they have become friends. Robert has always been a bit of a loner.’

‘Yes, and I’m glad that Jamie has found a friend. Hopefully something good comes of it. For both of them.’

Father Costas nodded. He figured there would be questions that both boys might have as this friendship developed, and made a mental note to let them know that his door would always be open to them, just as it has always been open to Levi and any other member of his flock.

***

When Easter came around, Matt and Luke kept their promise to the boys, and they returned to Cockatoo Creek. They had driven up from the coast the Thursday afternoon beforehand, and spent the night with Matt’s parents, then continued on to Cockatoo Creek the following morning. It was just the four of them this time, arriving mid-morning on Good Friday. What they weren’t counting on, however, was that there were about twenty other people already set up there when they arrived, with campsites scattered all around the valley. It was quite a popular place for getaways on public holidays – something that Matt and Luke had apparently forgotten.

Undeterred, they managed to find a spot close enough to the river, but not too close to any other campers, where they quickly set up their two tents. Luke suggested they face the entrances towards each other, with a gap between them, then he produced a gazebo with a metal frame that folded out, which was about three metres square. That was quickly set up between the tents and the cover set in place over it, then additional fly sheets were extended out over each of the tents, to help insulate those a little better.

‘Now we have a covered area between the tents, where we can chill out, or use as a kitchen, or whatever,’ Luke said to the boys. ‘And there are some walls we can also add to give us some privacy.’

A camping trip like this was a first for Jamie, and he threw himself into everything with enthusiasm. He gathered firewood with an excitement that amused the others, and by mid-afternoon their campsite was well and truly established, so they decided to reward themselves with a swim in the river.

‘Are we going skinny-dipping?’ Jamie eagerly asked.

‘Not this time, mate,’ Luke replied. ‘Unless of course there are others doing the same thing. Maybe, if you’re lucky, they’ll have a clothes-optional waterhole?’

Levi could only laugh.

Still, they all enjoyed their swim, even if Jamie did have to keep his shorts on. Levi was convinced that, given the chance, Jamie would be the first one to just let it all hang out in public, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. In private, amongst friends and family maybe, that wasn’t really a problem as far as Levi was concerned. But out in the open, showing off in front of strangers, he felt that was something entirely different.

Maybe he just needed to see how things panned out, Levi figured.

Being Good Friday, Levi insisted they needed to have fish for their main meal, and being unsure if Matt would be able to deliver a suitable catch for them, he made sure there was an alternative available. Amongst the frozen goods in the cooler there was a packet of frozen fish fillets, and when Matt had come home empty-handed – as Levi expected he might – and grumbling about “all these bloody people scaring the fish away,” it was Levi who saved the day.

That night, as the sun set behind the mountains, and the skies were lit a fiery red, Levi and Jamie lit a fire a short distance away from the tent, then set about cooking their meal. They started by wrapping the fillets in tinfoil, accompanied by a little oil, some slices of lemon, and some herbs. They also wrapped some potatoes in foil and set everything in a steel camp oven that belonged to Matt Snr, then sat it in the coals on the edge of the fire and covered the lid with embers. They then set about preparing a salad to go with their meal.

Matt and Luke let them handle everything themselves, somewhat amused that the boys were taking charge, and it wasn’t long before it was announced that their feast was ready. Levi served up the plates and set them down on the fold-up picnic table they had set up in their covered communal area, and they all sat down to eat, with two solar-powered lights hanging from two corner poles of the canopy.

Little was said while they ate, which the boys took as being a good sign. Jamie got up and went to the drinks cooler and retrieved two cans of Coca-Cola for him and Levi, then asked the dads what they wanted.

‘I’ll have the same, thanks mate,’ Matt said, and when Jamie looked at Luke, he found him nodding as well, while trying to fan his mouth as he reacted to a hot mouthful of potato.

Jamie chuckled, then handed over two more cans, before sitting back down beside Levi.

‘Well, boys. I’ve got to say, you nailed dinner tonight! Thank you!’ Matt said, as he leaned back and rubbed his stomach. ‘So, what do you want to do tomorrow?’

‘Levi was telling me about the gravestones. Can we go see those?’ asked Jamie.

‘If that’s what you want to do, sure, we can fit that into one of our hikes. We’ll head out early one morning, before it gets too hot, then there’ll still be time for a swim when we get back,’ Matt replied.

‘Sounds good to me,’ Jamie answered.

‘Alright then. Seeing as you boys prepared dinner, how about we let you hit the sack while we pack everything up from dinner. Then we’ll wake you up at the crack of dawn, to get ready for the day.’

‘We can help,’ Levi said.

‘No. We’ve got this,’ Luke said. ‘You guys turn in, and we’ll see you in the morning.’

‘If you insist,’ Levi replied, before grabbing Jamie’s arm and dragging him away towards their tent.

‘Just keep the noise down in there, boys! Some of us will be trying to sleep out here!’

***

The tent settled around the boys once they had left the night to their dads, and after only a short time, when they could be heard packing up the things from dinner, a quiet eventually settled. Their two mattresses lay side by side, and with sleeping bags unzipped and pulled over both of them, there was little to guard against the cool night air they could feel drifting up from the river. Outside, the occasional soft crack came from the dying fire. Further off, the river moved over stones with its steady, low sound, and occasionally they would catch snippets of laughter, drifting on the breeze towards them, from one of the many camps in the valley.

For a while neither of them spoke. Then Jamie shifted slightly and said, in a near-whisper, ‘You awake?’

‘Yeah.’

A pause.

‘Today was good,’ Jamie said. ‘I liked swimming in the river. I’ve never done that before.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Tomorrow we’ll do more. Maybe go hiking. Maybe we’ll even find a quiet spot to go skinny-dipping as well.’

‘I think I’d like that,’ Jamie said, with a giggle.

Another silence followed, longer this time. Levi could hear Jamie breathing, steady and close.

‘Do you ever miss the way things were?’ Jamie asked. ‘Before . . . all this?’

Levi thought about the old house, the quiet town, the version of himself who had known exactly what the rules were supposed to be. He thought about his mum.

‘I miss my mum . . . so, so much,’ he said. ‘But the rest of it, not so much. Dad and Luke have shown me that the world around us is so big, and has so much to offer. I never knew it was really like this, and there’s no way I could go back to how it was before. What about you?’

Jamie was quiet for a few seconds. ‘I don’t really remember a before that ever felt safe. This is better.’

The simplicity of it sat between them. Levi felt the familiar protective pull, the sense of responsibility that had become ordinary and still sometimes surprised him.

‘You and Robert,’ he said carefully. ‘Still good?’

He felt rather than saw Jamie’s small nod in the dark. ‘Yeah. We just . . . hang out. It’s nice. I think we both want to do, you know, more, but . . .’

‘Yeah, Nice is all it needs to be right now. Other stuff can come later, when you’re ready, if that’s what you both want.’

‘I know.’

They talked a little longer – about school, about whether Zack was ever going to buy a decent ute, about nothing in particular. The words grew slower. Eventually Jamie’s breathing evened into sleep. Levi lay awake a while longer, listening to the night and the quiet presence beside him, then let himself drift.

***

The dream came in fragments.

Levi felt he was somewhere warm and dimly lit. A presence close to him – not threatening, just near. There was the sensation of skin, of breath, of being wanted without having to explain himself. The feeling was strong and uncomplicated in the way dreams sometimes allow. He leaned into it. For a stretch of time, that felt both long and instantaneous, there was only the good of it: contact, heat, the absence of the usual arguments in his head.

Then something shifted. The face in front of him resolved into shapes and shadows. All he knew was that it wasn’t Brooke. And it wasn’t Casey. It was somebody else. Somebody he knew he had seen somewhere, but couldn’t name.

Levi woke with a start, his heart beating hard and the ghost of the feeling still moving through him. The tent was dark. Jamie slept on, undisturbed. Outside, the first faint change in the quality of the night said that morning was coming, but was still some way off.

He stared up at the canvas and waited for the confusion and the leftover pull of the dream to settle into something he could name. They didn’t, not fully. The feelings only sat there together – a pleasure that had felt so clear, and the old familiar weight that always arrived afterwards – while the river kept moving over the stones in the dark.

***

When the morning did come, it came soft and clear. The river mist had already begun to lift by the time they crawled out of their tents after their first night in the bush. Matt got the fire going again while Luke sorted breakfast. Levi and Jamie took the water containers down to the edge of the river and filled them in companionable silence. The air smelled of damp earth and wood smoke.

Around the valley, other campers were doing the same. Two guys in kayaks gave them a wave as they glided quietly past.

Over the next two days, time settled into an easy rhythm. They fished in the early mornings, standing on the smooth rocks where the water ran deeper. They swam when the sun was high, the cold of the waterholes sharp enough to make them shout. In the afternoons they walked – along the river flats, up the animal tracks into the low hills, once as far as the place where the old hut had stood. The fruit trees were still there, stubbornly productive. The gravestones waited inside their wrought-iron fence, the grass around them long but not neglected by time.

Jamie stood in front of them longer than the others. He read the names under his breath – Celia, James, William – and didn’t say much. When he finally turned away, he looked thoughtful rather than sad, as if he had placed the three strangers into some private map of how lives could end and still leave a mark.

There were no disasters this trip. No falls, no arguments, no sudden silences that lasted too long. Just the ordinary good weight of days spent outside with people who belonged to each other.

On that final afternoon they hiked a little further down the river than they had done on the previous day, and eventually they found a quiet waterhole, where the valley narrowed and steep walls rose up on either side.

There was nobody around. They had the place to themselves. And suddenly Jamie had an idea.

He kicked off his shoes and pulled off his t-shirt, then dropped his shorts. All he was wearing were his red jocks.

‘You game?’ he quietly said to Levi, with a wicked grin plastered across his face.

For a moment Levi looked confused, but then he noticed that Jamie had his thumbs already hooked inside the elastic of his jocks and was starting to pull them down slowly.

Levi laughed. ‘Why the hell not?’ he said, before starting to strip himself.

They heard a chuckle behind them and turned to see that Luke was starting to strip as well.

‘All for one, and one for all, or so they say!’ Luke said, and before long there were three naked guys running for the water’s edge, while Matt could only – initially at least – look on in surprise.

The water was icy cold, but nobody cared, they whooped and hollered and raced around, dunked each other, wrestled, grabbed each other, tangled their limbs, and eventually exhausted themselves.

Matt had also joined them, and had been just as boisterous as the others, but was a little more reserved than the boys or his partner. Eventually he grabbed Luke’s hand and led him from the water, before collapsing in the sun on a slab of warmed granite. Levi and Jamie played for a little longer, but eventually they too, hauled themselves from the water and made their way – still dripping – to the rock their dads were laid out upon, before stopping short and looking down on the two naked men.

‘What’s wrong? You boys never seen a naked guy before?’ Matt said, as he looked up at them, while shielding his eyes from the sun.

‘No,’ they both exclaimed in unison, before quickly averting their eyes, then moving away slightly and laying down, stretching themselves out in the sun near to their dads.

‘It’s only natural, boys,’ Luke offered after a while, as he sat up, drawing his knees up to his chest. ‘Nothing for any of us to be ashamed of. We’re all made exactly the same.’

Levi sat up as well and looked across at Luke.

‘Yeah, I know that now,’ Levi said. ‘Thanks to you.’

‘And what do you think, Jamie?’ asked Matt.

He sat up as well, looking nervous as he did so, while glancing at each of the others. ‘I was always told it was disgusting to be naked . . . to let anyone else see you naked. But it’s not, is it?’

‘No, mate,’ Levi answered, surprising even himself by saying that.

‘I’m glad . . . because . . . because I think I like it . . .’

‘Nothing wrong with that, Jamie,’ said Luke. ‘Matt and I both think that it’s important for you guys to feel comfortable in your own skin . . . to feel comfortable with who you are, no matter what shape that might take. If you want, maybe we could take you to the nude beach sometime? Might have to keep it quiet from the lady at DoCS though.’

‘There’s a n-nude beach? In Thompsonville?’

‘Yeah, mate. We’ll check it out for you,’ Luke answered.

***

On the third morning they packed up. Tents came down, the fire was drowned, the vehicle loaded. They drove back into town in time for a late lunch at Matt’s parents’ house. The table was already set. There was cold chicken, salad, bread still warm from the oven, and the particular fussing that grandparents do when they have the chance. Jamie was quieter than usual under the attention, but he ate everything put in front of him, and even smiled when Matt’s mother insisted on wrapping leftovers for the trip home.

They left in the middle of the afternoon. The country unrolled behind them in shades of dry gold and dusty green. Conversation in the car rose and fell, then gradually thinned. Somewhere after the halfway point, Levi glanced across and saw that Jamie had fallen asleep against the window, mouth slightly open, one hand loose in his lap. Sunlight moved over his face as the trees flickered past.

Levi watched him for a moment. The boy looked younger in sleep, and at the same time more settled than he had ever been in the early weeks at Avalon. Whatever version of a life Jamie had once imagined for himself, in the rough years before this; the camping, the river, the noisy lunch, the safe road home . . . this was closer to that dream than anything he’d ever had.

Levi turned back to the road. In the front seats Matt and Luke talked in low voices about nothing urgent. The Navara held the four of them easily. Behind them Cockatoo Creek, his old home and the old home town itself, all receded into the hills. Ahead of them, Thompsonville and the rest of the ordinary year were waiting.

Jamie slept on, sun-tired and content. And Levi liked seeing him like that.

***

School resumed with its usual mixture of sameness and low-level change. The corridors felt narrower after the openness of the mountains and the river. Year 10 settled around Levi like a familiar coat that had grown a little tight in places.

He and Brooke continued their uneven orbit. Some days they walked close enough that their shoulders brushed and the old easy laughter came back without effort. Other days a careful distance opened between them for no reason either of them could name out loud. She would look at him with a question he wasn’t ready to answer; he would feel the pull of her and then the familiar internal brake. The pattern repeated often enough that it seemed to create its own kind of weather system.

It was Jimmy who finally said it.

They were sitting at the edge of the sports oval, just the three of them, when Jimmy squinted at Levi and said, 'She wants more. You know that, right?’

Levi didn’t pretend to not understand.

‘And you keep pulling back,’ Jimmy went on, not unkindly. ‘I’m guessing it’s the faith stuff.’

Dan looked between them but stayed quiet.

Levi stared at the ground. The internal argument was so familiar by now that it almost had its own voice: the clear, immediate yes of desire on one side, and on the other the older warnings that still carried weight even when he wished they didn’t. He didn’t have a clean way to make the two sit together. So he lived in the gap, knowing that one day, one side would eventually win out.

He dealt with the pressure the way he had learned to – privately, awkwardly, usually late at night when the house was quiet. It brought relief and, almost always, a fresh edge of guilt. The cycle had become known, familiar territory rather than a series of shocks.

Then one evening Jamie walked in at exactly the wrong moment. Jamie, who Levi had been sure was out somewhere else.

The door to the bedroom opened without much warning. There was a second of pure, mutual horror. Jamie froze, only his eyes darted to Levi’s rapidly moving hand. Levi scrambled. Neither of them spoke. Jamie simply backed out and pulled the door shut, way harder than necessary, then Levi heard his footsteps as he retreated quickly down the hall.

For a long time afterwards Levi sat on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands, heat burning in his ears and neck. The embarrassment was so sharp it felt physical, but he knew he would need to face it.

Later – much later – he found Jamie in the backyard, sitting on the steps in the dark.

He sat down beside him, being careful not to sit too close. For a while neither of them said anything.

‘Sorry about that,’ Levi managed eventually.

Jamie’s voice was small and tight. ‘I . . . should’ve knocked, or something.’

‘Why? It’s your room too?’

Another silence.

‘I know what it was,’ Jamie said finally. ‘I’m not a little kid. And I sometimes do it too, you know.’

‘I know. We all do it.’

‘And I know what it isn’t. It’s not . . . about me or anything.’

‘No. It isn’t.’

‘Brooke?’

‘Never you mind!’

They sat with that. The air between them gradually lost its painful charge. It didn’t become easy, but it became survivable. After a few more minutes Jamie elbowed him, lightly, the way he sometimes did when words had done enough work.

'Just lock the door next time, idiot.’

Levi let out a breath that was almost a laugh. ‘Or you could make some noise to warn me!’

‘Yeah. Fair call.’

They went back inside separately. The awkwardness lingered for a day or two and then settled into the background of ordinary life, one more thing they both knew and didn’t need to keep worrying over. They were both growing up, at different speeds and with different complications, under the same roof. Some moments were bound to be messy. What mattered was that the mess didn’t break anything important, or wasn’t anything that couldn’t be cleaned up.

In the days that followed, Levi noticed that Jamie knocked, or if he didn’t, he at least made a lot of noise as he was coming down the hall. And that, in its own small way, was also a sign of his growing up.

***

From the time he had started working with Zack, mowing lawns and gardening, Levi had been saving as much money as he could, with one goal in mind: to buy his first car. He would be turning seventeen midway through the year, which wasn’t far away now, and then he would be able to sit for his licence. The date arrived eventually, and it was passed quietly at home – a cake, a few presents, the usual affectionate roasting from Luke – but the practical consequence sat clearly in his mind. He wanted a car. No, he needed a car.

Before his birthday he had stated his intentions, and had even started looking at vehicles sitting in car yards as he would drive by them with Zack. Then, on the Saturday morning before he turned seventeen, Matt and Luke drove him down to Macquarie Harbour and walked the yards with him. Most of what he could realistically afford looked tired: older sedans with mismatched panels, utes with trays that had seen better decades. But then, something caught his eye . . . a silver, 2003 model SUV. A Toyota RAV4.

It was practical without being dull. A little sporty in the stance. Roof racks that would take a surfboard. The rear seats folded flat. He walked around it twice, then a third time, trying not to look as sold on it as he already felt.

The price was close enough to six thousand dollars.

He had a little under four thousand saved from the lawn-mowing work, but that gap seemed like it was far too wide.

In the car on the way home he raised the trust account from the sale of the old house – the money that had finally come through after the long wait and was being held until he was older – but Matt’s answer was immediate and firm.

‘No. That money stays where it is. It’s not for this.’

Levi nodded, disappointed but not surprised. It was the answer he had expected, but he knew he had to give it a try. He started recalculating towards something cheaper.

That evening Matt and Luke spoke quietly in the kitchen, then called him back in.

‘If you really want the RAV4,’ Matt said, ‘and you’re prepared to put nearly all of your own money into it – including paying for the insurance – we’ll cover the rest for you.’

Levi stared at them. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah. Really,’ Luke said. ‘Better you get something half-decent now than some beat-up old wreck that might not be safe, and will probably cost you more in the long run. If you want it, we’ll get Nate Buchanan to check it over first.’

The relief and excitement hit at the same time. He managed a slightly shaky, ‘Okay,’ and then had to walk out into the backyard for a minute so he didn’t do anything embarrassing in the kitchen.

Their mechanic, Nate, went over the RAV4 the following week and gave it a cautious pass. That Friday, Luke took the day off work, then that afternoon, Matt drove them to Macquarie Harbour so that Levi could sit his driver’s test, and also seal the deal on the Toyota.

Levi passed his P-plate test on the first attempt, then straight afterwards they drove around to the dealership. When the salesman finally handed over the keys, Levi felt taller. Matt signed the remaining paperwork. Luke took photos on his phone that he would later claim were for “insurance purposes,” then after wedging a plastic P-plate behind each number plate, Levi drove his vehicle home, with Matt in the passenger seat, while Luke and Jamie followed in the Navara.

The whole way he was acutely aware of the wheel under his hands, the new-to-him smell of the cabin, the fact that the car was actually his. At home, he washed it before the dust of the drive had even properly settled. Over the next week he bought seat covers, floor mats, and a set of registration-plate frames that he fitted with unnecessary care. Matt and Luke watched the whole process with open, quiet pride – not only at the car, but at the way Levi had approached it: working, saving, accepting limits, and not throwing the trust money into the argument when he was told no.

The practical changes came quickly. He could drive himself and Jamie to school instead of them needing to ride their bikes. And next year, when attending school in Macquarie Harbour, he would be able to drive his friends some days, instead of them all having to take the bus. He would just need to follow the rules about how many peer passengers he could carry while on P-plates, especially at night, but within those limits he could take Jimmy or Dan or Brooke when it suited. The RAV4 became another small proof that the life he was building belonged to him – earned in daylight hours with a mower and a whipper snipper, and now parked in the driveway at Avalon like it had always been meant to be there.

***

The end of Year 10 came upon them quickly, and before they knew it, they were planning the end-of-year dance. The dance proved to be exactly what everyone expected it to be: too loud, slightly chaotic, and full of the particular end-of-year energy that came from knowing the term was almost finished. Fairy lights had been strung across the hall with more enthusiasm than skill. The DJ played a mix of current tracks and older songs that the teachers pretended not to mind. Jimmy and Dan lasted until just after ten before slipping out early, offering only the vaguest of excuses and a shared look that said there was somewhere quieter that they wanted to be.

Levi and Brooke stayed longer, though. They danced. They laughed with other students, then afterwards they stood outside in the cooler air with paper cups of soft drink. When the night began to cool, Brooke suggested a drive. Levi didn’t need much convincing.

He took the coast road south of town and turned off onto a familiar rise that looked out over the water, parking the SUV so that its tail pointed to the sea. Opening up the rear door, he folded the back seats forward, then spread the blankets they kept in the back for the beach. They both climbed in the back of the vehicle, then scooted forward as far as they could, to where they were resting against the back of the front seats, with Brooke leaning against her man, one arm draped across his abdomen, while one of Levi’s arms was draped around her shoulder, holding her close.

Outside, the moon laid a broken path of light across the ocean, and for a long time they simply sat there, talking in low voices about nothing urgent – school finishing, the summer ahead, whether Jimmy and Dan were actually as subtle as they thought they were. Levi inhaled and could smell the fragrance of her shampoo. He gently kissed her forehead.

Levi liked these quieter stretches with Brooke. The easy companionship. The way the rest of the world’s noise dropped away. At the same time, something in him remained unsettled. The closeness felt good, and yet it also pressed against the older questions he still carried inside, about what he wanted, what he was allowed to want, and who he was supposed to be becoming. The conflict was familiar enough by now that he recognised it even while he was in the middle of it. Yet at times, he felt as if he was powerless to stop whatever was going to happen next.

He had a feeling that this was going to be one of those times. Neither were ready for this step, but he knew that Brooke wanted it, and a part of him wanted it also. And in the end, that was the driver for the awkward, rushed and embarrassing act that followed.

Afterwards, for Levi at least, the guilt sat heavily. But so did the memory of just how good it had felt. The two facts refused to cancel each other out.

***

A few days later Levi found himself at the church, helping Father Costas move a stack of old hymn books that didn’t strictly need moving. Father Costas could tell that something was weighing upon his young friend, and when the work slowed, the conversation opened the way it often did.

Levi didn’t give every detail of the night on the rise. He didn’t need to. He spoke instead about the uneven pull he felt with Brooke – the comfort of being with her, and the persistent sense that some part of him was still arguing with itself.

Father Costas listened in his usual steady way. When Levi finished, the older man was quiet for a moment, arranging the books into a neater pile.

‘Sometimes the heart isn’t sure what it really wants,’ he said, ‘but the head will think otherwise. Most often, one of these is wrong, and the consequences can be lasting.’ He glanced at Levi. ‘That doesn’t mean you have to have every answer today. It only means you should pay attention to the cost of the choices you make while you’re still deciding.’

He rested a hand briefly on the stack of books.

‘If you ever need to talk – I mean properly talk – I will always be here for you.’

Levi nodded. The words didn’t resolve the tension inside him, but they gave it a place to sit that felt cleaner than silence. He finished helping with the books, said goodbye, and drove home with the ocean light still in his mind and Father Costas’s caution travelling quietly alongside it.

***

Christmas and New Year came and went, with the celebrations at Avalon a little more subdued than for the previous year. Tim and Guy were away over the holidays, and visitors were at a minimum, other than Tony, Aaron and Zack from just up the road at Bayview. The balance of the holidays for Levi and Jamie was spent keeping busy mowing lawns and doing chores around their own home, but they still managed to spend time in the company of their friends, on the beach, or hanging around the lake.

Then, before they knew it, the holidays were over and the gang, comprising Levi, Brooke, Jimmy and Dan, along with many of their classmates from Thompsonville Central, were preparing to change schools – to attend Macquarie Harbour High for Years 11 and 12. The campus was larger there, and the corridors busier, with the expectations also a step higher. Jamie remained at Thompsonville Central for Year 9, which meant the mornings gained a new routine.

Levi knew that he wouldn’t be able to drive to school every day, as putting fuel in the SUV was going to be a far greater burden than he could afford, but with Jimmy and Dan offering to throw some cash his way he would be able to drive two or three days a week. On the other days they would catch the bus.

On the days he drove, he would drop Jamie at the local school first and watch him shoulder his bag, meet Robert at the gates and then head in with the easy confidence that had grown within him over the past year. Then Levi would loop back through town to collect the others. The RAV4 took the four of them down the coast road to Macquarie Harbour with the windows down and the radio on. On some summer days Levi would play some old music from the sixties that Father Costas liked, a band called The Beach Boys, whose songs were dripping with summer and surf. He would crank up the music, then sing along with Jimmy and Dan, while Brooke would roll her eyes at the three of them. It felt real, in the best way possible – a small part of the pieces of his life that were now fitting together well enough to at least give the impression that his life was running on its own.

The months settled into a workable rhythm. School. Lawn-mowing rounds with Zack, and sometimes Jamie when the jobs were light enough. Occasional visits to the hostel, where faces continued to come and go, a sign of the very transient nature of the needs of those they helped. The ordinary business of getting older, without any single day announcing itself as important, was just accepted.

Somewhere in that stretch of time, Jimmy and Dan moved even closer to each other, if that was even possible. It happened carefully, mostly out of sight. Then one afternoon, walking the beach after school with the wind coming in hard off the water, they told Levi they were thinking of taking things further.

They didn’t dress it up. They simply said it and waited.

Levi was mildly surprised, as he thought by now they might have already taken that step, but he walked a little further before answering. He wanted to keep his own history with Brooke out of it. The details weren’t theirs to carry.

‘If it’s real,’ he said eventually, ‘you’ll know when the time’s right. You won’t have to force it.’

Dan glanced sideways at him. ‘And is it real with the two of you?’

The question landed cleanly, but it still caught Levi by surprise. He looked out at the waves rolling in, one after another, breaking and pulling back. He cared deeply about Brooke. That part was true. She was woven into the last two years of his life in ways that would always matter to him. But whether she was the one – the person who would still make sense when the confusion inside him finally settled, if it ever would – was a different and much harder question. He still didn’t have a clear answer to that one.

He watched the water for a long moment.

‘I honestly don’t know,’ he said at last. ‘Maybe not all the way.’

Neither Jimmy nor Dan pushed him. The three of them kept walking, the wind filling the spaces where certainty might have been. Behind them the town continued its ordinary afternoon. Ahead of them the rest of the year stretched out, still unfinished, still full of things they had not yet had to name.

***

The year proceeded at pace. Matt and Luke were busy with their work . . . Matt especially, as mid-year his boss decided it was time to retire. The responsibility for both of the businesses he owned – the auto store and the service station – was passed over to Matt, who took his new role seriously and started spending longer hours at work, though he always ensured that his family was a major priority.

Towards the end of the year, there was a day when Levi dropped Brooke and his friends home after school, then he drove back to Thompsonville Central. Jamie had soccer training, and he had promised that morning he would be there to collect him and take him home. He arrived earlier than he had expected to, and sat in the RAV4 for a few minutes watching the team on the oval. Before long, however, he felt the urge to relieve himself, and so he climbed out of his vehicle and made his way over to the toilets near the change rooms.

The light was dim inside, much as he had always remembered it, and he was a little surprised when he found there was already someone in there. Levi recognised him vaguely – Toby, he thought the boy’s name was – a Year 10 boy who also went to the same church that Levi attended.

They nodded to each other, as Levi stepped up beside him and unzipped.

What happened next was brief, wordless, and mutual. When Levi had glanced over and down, he quickly noticed the state the other boy was in, which somehow triggered the demons in Levi’s own mind, and body.

When Toby noticed Levi’s own dilemma, he reached out towards the older boy, which was nervously reciprocated. Levi felt powerless to stop what he was doing.

When it was over, both boys were flushed and startled by their own daring. Levi cleaned up quickly, washed his hands, and glanced back at the other boy. Toby was still there, a small, uncertain smile on his face.

‘Thanks,’ Toby said. ‘Maybe I’ll see you around?’

Was that hope that he detected in the boy’s voice.

Levi didn’t answer. He didn’t want his voice to betray the emotion he was feeling. He simply nodded, then walked out into the afternoon light. His hands were not quite steady, and neither were his legs. He could not tell whether the trembling was fear, or something that bordered on the edge of excitement. It was the strangest feeling he had ever experienced.

Walking back to his vehicle, he stopped and leaned against it, still trembling slightly, aghast at what he had just done. He watched the last few minutes of practice, but he wasn’t really concentrating, as his mind was still a million miles away . . . or perhaps just a few yards away?

Jamie came running up a minute later, sweaty and cheerful, and the ordinary world closed back over the moment. They called in to see Matt at the service station, where they found him doing rosters in the small office, then headed for the milk bar for shakes, with Levi paying, as promised.

That night the memory would not leave him alone. The old question rose again, sharper than before: if it was supposed to be so wrong, why had it felt so natural, so good? He quietly dealt with the restlessness the way he had learned to, then afterwards, he fell into an uneasy sleep.

It was the dream he had experienced on the camping trip at Cockatoo Creek that came to him again. The dream in which he was kissing someone – the unknown, faceless shape of shadows. The sensation was clear and compelling, just as it always was, yet this time there was a sharpness to it that he hadn’t felt before.

When he finally opened his eyes in the dream, he knew that it wasn’t Brooke he was kissing. But this time, the shapeless face did sharpen, and into something recognisable. Something named.

And that name was Toby.

He woke with a start, and with the unsettling knowledge that something in him had shifted – not into certainty, but into a wider, more complicated kind of knowledge.

Whether he would meet Toby again, and what it might mean if he did, remained somewhere up ahead, in the long stretch of years still to come. But for now there was school again tomorrow, and the ordinary work of being the person he was still becoming.

***

About ten days later, on a busy Saturday morning down by the lake, Levi and Jamie sat at a table with burgers and fish and chips between them, not talking about anything important, just occupying the same easy space. Floating trikes drifted across the water. People filled the tables along the boardwalk, the air was thick with the smell of hot chips and sunscreen.

From where Levi sat, he could see a wide slice of the lake, the full run of the boardwalk, and across the parkland toward the shops and the bridge over the creek. He wasn’t thinking hard about anything, he was just allowing the sun to warm his arms and back. Jamie was telling him something about Robert and a disastrous attempt at cooking noodles.

Jimmy and Dan arrived not long afterwards, dropping into the remaining chairs with the loose familiarity of people who had done this a hundred times. Brooke would be along once her shift at the café finished. Robert was expected too. After that, they would most likely all go and do their own thing in the afternoon.

Constable Leggatt strolled past, in uniform but unhurried, and stopped when he saw them.

‘Morning, troublemakers.’

They all liked him. The business with Casey felt strangely distant now – a story that belonged to an earlier version of their lives. There had been no confirmed sighting since the warrant had been issued for his arrest, but rumours still moved around town when people had nothing better to talk about. Some of the other Thompsons that Levi and his friends went to school with had dropped a few hints, but if they truly knew what had happened to him, you would have thought they would all be saying the same thing . . . but they weren’t. Some folks said he had run south to Sydney, while others said he had gone north – to Brisbane or beyond. Others said that he was dealing somewhere like Newcastle, or that the wider family had finally stepped in and removed the problem themselves. No one knew what was true. All that mattered was that he was gone.

Constable Leggatt asked after Matt and Luke, nodded at Jamie, and then moved on.

People came and went along the boardwalk. Levi half-listened to Jimmy complaining about a teacher. Then another familiar figure appeared among the walkers.

Toby.

He was in board shorts and a tank top, a milkshake in one hand, straw between his lips. He looked older than the last time Levi had seen him, or maybe just more at ease in the summer light. Then their eyes met. The beginning of a smile pulled at Toby’s mouth before he glanced, quickly and carefully, at the others around the table. Levi returned the nod. Toby kept walking.

Levi watched him go. There was no point pretending the boy wasn’t attractive. That thought had crossed his mind often in the past week or so, and Levi was finally coming to terms with the fact that it was okay to recognise that. A quick check of the table showed Jimmy scrolling on his phone, Dan arguing mild nonsense with Jamie, and no one else paying attention. Toby left the boards and took the path that curved toward the creek. Every so often he slowed and glanced back, before eventually taking a seat on a sunny bench beside the path.

While Levi was still watching, another figure soon came into view; Brooke, still in her café shirt, lifting a hand and waving as she came toward them.

For a brief moment the two of them were bathed in the same stretch of sunlight – not speaking, not noticing each other, just two figures in the same frame, while Levi sat fixed in place.

He found himself wondering what Father Costas would say if he were here. The priest had a way of offering a line of scripture without forcing it to do all the work. Three fragments surfaced almost at once, overlapping, none of them settling cleanly into place.

“Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it . . .”

That one felt closest to the image in front of him – the boardwalk, the creek path, the sense of being caught between directions. But it assumed the good way could be recognised once you asked.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding . . . he will make your paths straight.”

That promised a straightening he wasn’t sure he was ready for. What if the straightening led somewhere he still didn’t know how to want?

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths.”

The simplest of the three. A request rather than an answer. It left the not-knowing intact.

Levi turned the verses over like smooth stones in his pocket. None of them told him whether the familiar path with Brooke or the untested one that had just glanced back at him was right. They only named the fact that he was standing still while the choice continued to move.

Brooke was almost at the boardwalk now. Toby had disappeared around the bend toward the creek. Levi let out a slow breath, the three fragments still turning quietly in his mind, and reached for his drink as if the ordinary gesture might hold him steady until he knew which voice to follow.

He didn’t need to choose the whole future today. Both paths were still open – the familiar and sometimes complex one walking toward him, and the quieter one that had glanced back, before disappearing toward the creek. Maybe all he had to do was test the water. Take one careful step in a direction and see how it felt, without slamming any door behind him. Diving in could wait. For now it was enough to stand at the edge and feel which way the current pulled.

 

~ FIN ~