Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 12. Counting Sheep

“Don’t fuck this up!” A booming voice echoed in my head as I quickly scaled the fire escape. “Don’t fuck this up!” the voice repeated as my breath grew heavier and heavier “Don’t fuck this up!” the voice demanded shaking me to my core. I heard the metal ladders and platforms rattle beneath me as I finally reached the small rooftop. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I just had to listen in! I didn’t even have to take anything! How did I manage to fuck this up so badly? “Get back here you Saints brat!” A pursuing voice echoed. I didn’t even have time to look at the distance, to think about what I was about to do…then again I never did. I quickly built up all the speed I could and launched myself from one rooftop to another, soaring through the air as though I was a bird. I stopped for a second to think everything over but the second I heard a bullet zoom past me and ricochet off the ground my mind snapped right back to reality. Once more I took another daring jump, this time just barely clearing the side of the small rail that guarded the rooftop. I didn’t dare to take a breath this time, instead I kept moving, the footsteps behind me were all I needed for motivation. Every now and again I could hear the screams of a pursuer who didn’t time the jump right…who wasn’t as agile as me.

Finally I saw the familiar van on the street and hastily made my decent down another rusted fire escape, this time grabbing the black piece out of my waist band. If tonight’s the night…if this is when I take a life…it is what it is.

I shook my head in an attempt to escape the guilt and pointed the gun up where I had been running and started to unload as I moved, not caring who or what I hit.

“CY!” A voice from the van called out “I said don’t fuck up!”

“I know! I know!” I shouted back starting to finally get closer “They…I don’t….I was hidden…There’s no way they should’ve seen me!”

“Saints let em have it!” the voice shouted to my brothers “Kid I hope this was worth it…you just started a war!”

As I got closer I started to back pedal and aim in my sights at the shadows on the roof “Jus cause I got caught doesn’t mean I didn’t hear what I needed to” I laughed squeezing the trigger faster and faster. “Come on Ro, when have I failed you?”

The gun fire around me seemed to roar on louder and louder as the rival gang member’s bullets seemed to get closer and closer to the van. I raised my gun a little higher, trying my best to narrow in the sights with the only eye I had…one last shot…I just have to…”FUCK!” I screeched as an invisible force slammed me back into the bumper of the van.

“Shit! Shit!” Ro shouted grabbing me by the shirt and pulling me into the van “Go go, he’s fuckin hit!”

My breathing seemed to grow heavier and heavier as I felt a warm thick liquid begin to coat my right shoulder “Hit?” I repeated.

“So help me God kid! If you die here…what did you hear?” Ro demanded slamming his fist against my chest.

“Wh-what?” I let out too weak to comprehend what he meant.

“What did you hear?!” he repeated starting to grow angrier.

I looked him over as I gasped for air “Fuck you…” I let out doing my best to fight the pain.

I felt the familiar cold steel of a gun against my head as he began to smack the wound “So help me god I’ll blow out your brains right…”

“Then how will you know what Raza is plannin” I smiled, but before I could say another word the gun against my head rose up and slammed me across the face.

“CY!” Aaron shouted forcing my body awake. I grabbed onto him and went to throw him off the large mattress but the second our eyes met I realized where I was. I shook my head and gasped for air just like I had been doing in the dream “Come on man!” Aaron frustratedly exhaled pulling away from me “It’s a school night!”

“I…sorry” I let out still trying to catch my breath. I reached up and felt my shoulder…it’s okay…I’m okay.

“Boys? Are you okay?” Walter called out from down the hall.

“Just another nightmare!” Aaron yelled back “Goodnight!”

I looked over at him, finally coming back to reality “Sorry” I muttered shaking my head.

“It’s okay” he sighed shutting the lights off and jumping back into bed “Nightmare about the women who gave birth to you again?”

“Something like that.” I murmured not daring to say anything more. I could barely sleep for the rest of the night…I was just too on edge...its been a long time since I thought about that night…a long time since I remembered just how human I am. I dragged through the morning routine with heavy eye lids, nearly falling asleep anytime I sat down for too long.

“Good morning Riley!” Carter cheerfully yelped as I tried to lay against the stacked bleachers. I did my best to keep my eyes close and act like I was fast asleep “Wake up sleeping beauty!” he pestered nudging me with his foot.

“Will you jus shut the fuck up!” I lashed out finally opening my eyes “You’re not funny.”

“Oooo someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed!” he giggled taking a seat on the floor next to me “What’s wrong?”

“Nothin” I muttered closing my eyes once more.

He fell silent and thought about it for a few seconds before lightly elbowing me “You sure about that?”

“My fuckin god!” I shouted throwing my head back against the wall of plastic bleachers “Yes I’m sure!”

“Okay, okay, chill out.” He exhaled “I’m just worried is all.” His voice grew shy as the words escaped his lips. I could tell it was just as hard for him to say as it was for me to hear.

“Well don’t be.” I quickly replied glaring over at him.

He lightly laughed and ignored my angry stare “I don’t think it’s that simple…I just don’t want you to feel bad about everything that happened yesterday.”

“Everything that happened yesterday?” I repeated feeling my heart begin to beat faster. Did Aaron open his mouth? Can he not keep a fucking secret? He told me to make sure Carter doesn’t know any yet…

“Yup, just about you getting an official diagnosis, ya know?” He offered calming my racing mind “I just don’t want to see you blame yourself for something you can’t control.”

“I aint” I sighed “I jus didn’t sleep well last night okay?”

He locked eyes with me and smiled in an effort to cheer me up “Come on, I have an idea.”

“Carter man” I clicked slowly getting to my feet and following him to the stage “I just want to be left alone.”

“You’ve said that.” He answered barely showing me any attention “Hey Coach, Cy didn’t sleep so well last night, any chance you can give him a break?”

“Carter” Coach Murray exhaled “It’s the first week of school, and basketball season didn’t even start yet. This doesn’t…”

“He’s adjusting.” Carter argued “It takes a lot of energy, cut him some slack.”

Coach Murray looked me over and let out a deep sigh “My office is down this hall and to the left, if anything is missing you will be cut from the team.” He sternly warned forcing as much as eye contact as possible.

“What…”

“Come on.” Carter eagerly forced grabbing me by the arm “So throughout the season we all get tired, or our bodies are sore, or whatever, so Coach lets us sleep on the couch in his office during gym…you just can’t abuse it.”

“What the fuck?” I fustratedly let out finally breaking free of his grip “I said to leave me alone! I don’t need you throwin my business all over the gym!”

“So then you don’t want a couch to nap on?” Carter teased with a wide grin.

I reluctantly followed him into the small office but the second I saw the big couch I couldn’t help but feel relief “That aint the point…you don’t get me.”

“Oh here we go again!” Carter giggled giving me a light shove towards the couch “You don’t get me!” he mimicked “You say that every time I see you! You just can’t handle that there might be someone in this world that actually cares about you! Or even worse, someone who is starting to understand you!” I let out a long groan at his words and tried my best to ignore him “Alright fine I’ll let you sleep in peace.”

“No!” I quickly blurted out remembering the horror from last night.

He cautiously watched as I laid back on the long worn cushions “What?”

“Jus…stick around okay?” I pouted avoiding as much eye contact as possible.

“Why?” he poked fighting off a smile. I shrugged my shoulder but didn’t say anything “I have to get back to class, if you’re not going to give me a reason…”

“I get nightmares.” I interrupted still not looking at him.

“Nightmares?” he repeated not quite sure what to make of my words. I could tell by his tone that he didn’t fully believe me.

I moved my mouth around and finally looked up at him “Yeah…ask Aaron, I’ve woken him up twice now…I start screamin, and…it’s just wouldn’t be good if that happened.”

“Really?” he gently asked taking a seat by my feet “What do you dream about?”

“Nothin” I mumbled putting my eyes right back to the floor.

Silence filled the room as Carter thought it over, without warning he gently caressed the bottom of my leg “Its alright.” He quietly let out “I can’t stay with you the whole period…but I can stay here for a few minutes while you try and fall asleep. Don’t worry though, I’ll be right down the hall the whole time!”

“Fine…that doesn’t make me feel any better though” I lied knowing his touch was all I really needed to calm down.

He let out a nervous laugh before regaining control of himself “Knowing I’m that close to you…it makes me feel better.”

“I hate you.” I muttered burying my face as deep as I could.

“I know.” He lightly laughed. Before I knew it I drifted off to sleep…I wish I could say it was peaceful....I wish I could say having Carter there with me calmed my mind, but while I slept all I could see was darkness, and all I could hear were gun shots. It was as thought I was right back on the couches of fellow gang members or sleeping on the floor of the old saints club…whatever it was…it felt more real than I could ever imagine.

“Riley” a gentle voice attempted to shake me awake “Riley.” Just like at the James’ I woke up in a panic, I quickly reached down to my waist but the second I felt the belt and khakis around my waist I remembered where I was. “Relax, you’re safe.” Carter comforted gently rubbing the same place as before.

I quickly kicked away and sat up “What’s happenin?”

“Class is over” he laughed trying to ease me back to reality “Come on before we’re late.” I stretched out and stood up wishing I could get just a few more minutes of sleep “So I take it you had another bad dream?”

“Not as bad as last night” I shrugged throwing my backpack on and getting to my feet.

“Can you share this one?” he curiously asked catching up to me as I walked out the door.

I thought it over and exhaled a deep breath “Not much to share” I shrugged “felt like I was back home and tryin to sleep.”

“Like at the James’?”

“Back home.” I repeated with a bit of bite.

“Alright” he backed off trying to find the right amount of pressure “Well what’s so bad about that?”

I shot him a frustrated look and kept moving “Wasn’t exactly the safest place ever.”

“I knew you dreamed about the Saints!” Carter smirked finally cracking the case “So then when you reached for your waist…”

“Forget it.” I quickly forced out remembering how observant Carter was.

He looked at me and slightly tilted his head “It’s okay, I’m not judging you.”

“Sure bout that?” I sighed worried about how much he was putting together.

“Yup” he nodded “I mean like told me and the guys, you weren’t violent…just a victim of circumstances.”

“Yeah” I lied, gritting my teeth in frustration.

“It’s just…” he began before he stopped himself to think over the question “If you weren’t a solider, or dangerous…why carry a gun?”

“You won’t freak out?” I tested remembering Aaron’s warning word for word.

He smiled and bucked shoulders with me “Promise.”

“Always gotta stay strapped” I shrugged “Never knew what tomorrow would bring…drive bys, drug deals gone wrong, gang wars…better to have it than get stuck without it.”

“Oh okay.” He nodded starting to get serious “Have you ever shot a gun?” This time I bit my lip and tried to lose him in the crowded hallway “It’s cool if you have!” he comforted finally catching up with me

“Couple of times” I forced out keeping my eyes forwards “You gotta understand somethin about me…” I began well aware of the risk of what I was about to say “I’ve been in this life since I was born, stealin, robbin, fightin…gang life just seemed to strengthen it…think you need to brace for the reality that it might not just have been cir-circu-circ…the Southside and might just be me.”

“I don’t buy that.” He dismissed not wavering “Why did you start stealing?”

“To eat” I answered leaning against the locker outside my classroom.

“Well there you have it” he smiled as he kept moving “Whether you remember it or not…you did all those things because you thought you had to. I’m not scared you’ll fall back to that life.”

I went to say something, but quickly lost him in the crowd of students rushing off to their classes. I took one more breath and turned into the large classroom. “Riley Walker?” a younger woman at the front of the room asked as she saw me.

“Cy Walker.” I corrected shooting her an angry look.

She nervously laughed and scanned me “Sorry about that, guess there was just a small miscommunication…anyway I’m Amy, I’ll be with you in your classes for the rest of the year.”

“Lucky me.” I snarled taking a seat.

She forced a smile and took the seat next to me “You are, we’ll get you reading at the Sophomore level in no time.”

I clicked my teeth and stared her down “I read at a So-soph-soph…”

“Sophomore” she slowly lead in an attempt to make it easier. I shot her another angry look and gripped the bottom of my seat in frustration “It’s okay.” She encouraged “Dyslexia can make it hard to repeat longer words…are you experiencing a lot of stress?”

“Who isn’t?” I spit giving her a fed up look “Course I am, barely slept last night.”

“Well there you go.” She smiled ignoring my attitude “You need to rest your brain…treat it like every other muscle in your body. If you don’t take care of it…well it’ll make reading and speaking a lot harder for you.”

“Good thing I hate to do both.” I dismissed looking away, and zoning her out.

The rest of the week was a blur…practice, class, guardians, nightmares, Carter…it was all so much, and at the same time…well just what I’ve been missing in my life.

“Sit still please” The eye doctor commanded trying his best to get a good look at my left eye “Sit still! This isn’t going to hurt.”

“Cy.” Nancy reprimanded staring me down.

I grunted and sat as still as I could as he shined light into the darkened eye. “Alright well, it’s definitely severely damaged.”

“What was your first hint?” I snarled pulling away from him.

“It’s just…it’s amazing it’s still intact.” He observed looking closely into it “By some miracle there’s still blood flowing into it, it’s like your body refuses to give up on it.”

“So what does this mean?” Nancy quickly asked in a hopeful voice.

He let out a deep sigh and took a seat realizing his words were getting misunderstood “Well the corneas near destroyed, and his pupil and iris are pretty heavily damaged. You can actually see the iris damage if you look close enough, its in the upper region where the brown seems to turn a whitish color. Although the haze in his eye covers it up fairly well.” He tried to take another look but shook his head “Are you sure it doesn’t hurt?”

“It doesn’t.” I lied looking away.

He looked over to Nancy and raised his eyebrows “Well the good news is that it’s not infected and for the condition it’s in, well it honestly looks fairly clean. However we might want to look into Enucleation.”

“Will that give him his sight back?” She optimistically poked.

My heart began to race at her words. Sight back? Is that possible? There’s no way…they couldn’t…I…2 eyes? To get to see again…too get to…”I’m sorry I don’t think were on the same page.” He sighed. The serious look on his face jarred me from thought and sent my heart into overdrive “Enucleation would be the process of removing the eye…I know that’s a big surgery.” He quickly let out seeing the look on both our faces “But if the eye gets infected, if it started to die…well it’s so close to his brain that were better off playing it safe.”

“No” I dismissed in a stern voice “It stays.”

“Like I said, your brain is right…”

“It stays” I repeated as my stare grew angrier.

It’s funny, this doctor has probably looked at a million different eyes, and yet looking at my corrupted one…looking into its haze filled with anger and darkness…well it shook him. “Okay…” he breathed “Well in terms of his other eye he’ll need glasses. I’ll fax over the prescription right after we look at frames.”

I looked over to Nancy for the first time since the Dr. brought up surgery and saw her trying her best to hide the horror she was feeling. “Oh okay.” She let out throwing on a fake smile “Well dear lets go look at them.” The doctor led us out of the small examination room and into the main lobby which held a case full of various frames. It took a while for my right eye to adjust to whatever drops he had placed into it but I quickly found a way to walk straight before anyone could notice my struggle. “Any of them look good to you?” She asked looking them over with me.

I unenthusiastically looked around but as I saw a pair of thick black frames I instantly remembered Carter’s words “Those” I instructed pointing them out.

“Really?” Nancy smiled “Wow I would’ve never guessed that pa…”

“Why?” I defensively let out.

She shrugged “They’ll look great on you, I just figured you wouldn’t like the look.”

“Well I do” I spit staring at the thick frames.

“Alright I’ll send the order over now. The left side will just be glass and the right will be the actual lens.” He instructed “How old are you?”

I bit my tongue and stared him down “15” Nancy stepped in knowing me well enough to realize I wouldn’t answer “He turns 16 in a few weeks.”

“Nancy!” I clicked

“What?” she laughed “He’s a doctor!”

“So he’ll be getting his permit soon?” The doctor curiously poked. My stare grew angrier at the cruel question but the innocence on his face implied that it wasn’t his intention “You don’t know?” he poked but was met with further silence “You can still drive with one eye; your sight is good enough.”

“He can?” Nancy quickly let out in concern.

“Yes, he’ll be able to drive just as well as your other son.” The Dr smiled.

“Oh no Aaron doesn’t really drive…I don’t think…”

“I want my permit.” I interrupted looking up at her “Why doesn’t Aaron drive?”

“Do you really want to be driving around your boys for the rest of your life?” The Dr. laughed taking my side.

“Yeah” I supported “I got places to go.”

“We have bikes.” She excused trying to back out of the conversation.

“I’m askin Walter.” I decided with a nod of my head.

This time it was her turn to shoot the doctor daggers “Cy dear, really it’s no…”

“No” I smirked walking towards the door “Walter will be the one to teach me.”

She quickly finished up with the Dr. and caught up with me “Keep talking like this and I won’t drop you off at the Williams’ on our way home.”

“Really?” I sarcastically asked seeing right through her bluff. The second she heard Carter invited me over to watch basketball her face lit up, she hasn’t left me along about it since I told her.

“Watch the tone young man.” She reprimanded staring me down. I couldn’t help but laugh her off as we pulled out of the lot. Every now and again she would look over and just watch me. I could tell the suggestion of surgery had thrown her off…she was just as worried as me, maybe even more. As we finally pulled up to Carter’s house she looked me up and down and made a face “Use your manners, and behave!”

“I know.” I groaned stepping out of the car.

“Just call me when you’re ready to be picked up, and don’t do anything stupid!” she lectured as I shut the door behind me.

I took a second to myself before knocking on the large door. There was a bit of scurrying before Carter finally appeared in the doorway. Even though he was just wearing sweatpants and a tshirt…there was just something about him. His hair was just as styled as ever as those hazel eyes pierced through his rosy face…even with a blind eye…even with my remaining vision blurred…I could still see how good looking he was.

“What’s going on with your eye?” he poked making room to let me in.

“You just noticed it?” I teased sidestepping the question, and entering into the large house.

He shut the door behind me and gave me a light shove to the back “You know what I’m talking about.”

“Got my eyes checked…dude put in something that made it weird.” I dismissed carefully scanning the walls. So many signed things…this hallway alone must be thousands and thousands of dollars.

“So what’d he say?” Carter pushed “Do you need glasses?”

I clicked my teeth and leaned against the counter as we reached the kitchen “Mind ya business.”

“You are my business.” He pestered with a smile.

I made a face and stared at him “Yeah? Since when?”

“Since you decided that we could be a thing.” He giggled

“Don’t say that” I dismissed looking away from him “We a thing” I repeated “Sounds stupid.”

“Alright then what do you want to call it?” he giggled “Because I know you wouldn’t like if I called you my boyfriend.”

“Fuck outta here” I exhaled shaking my head “Why you gotta call it somethin?”

He shrugged his shoulders and tried to get me to look up “I mean I don’t have to…it’s just…I don’t know what to refer to you as.”

“That’s weird cause I gave you two names to call me by.” I spit looking up slightly.

“You’re so touchy lately.” He exhaled “and before you give me the whole its because I don’t know you lecture, I’m not talking about when you get quiet. It just seems like you’re taking things the wrong way.” He looked me up and down “Is it because you’re not getting much sleep?”

“Probably” I shrugged as our eyes connected “Just a lot goin on I guess.”

“Well just relax.” He smiled “Loosen up a bit.” I shot him and angry glare but before I could say anything he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me towards his backyard.

“I aint even dress for this man.” I complained as we got closer to the cement court “and my vision is even worse than it usually is.”

He laughed to himself and gave me a playful shove “That sounds like an excuse.”

“It ain’t!” I argued as I saw mischief enter his eyes.

“Sure it’s not.” He continued giving me another shove.

“It ain’t!” I insisted returning the push.

He giggled and let himself stumble “Just shoot around…it’ll help you feel better.” I guess he saw the surprise in my eyes because he let out another short laugh “Yup, I know you that well.”

“I hate you.” I mumbled taking a ball off the rack and starting to dribble. Minutes seemed like seconds as we goofed around on the small court. There was something about Carter that just made me smile, and trust me, nothing makes me smile. Normal shots became half court attempts, and half court attempts turned into me and Carter hitting one another.

“Alright I’m done!” Carter exhaled falling down to the ground “It’s too hot and we’re not dressed for any of this.”

I whipped the sweat off my forehead and smirked “that sounds like an excuse!” I mimicked taking the seat next to him. He reached over and hit me on the arm. A few second of silence passed by before I looked over at him and felt a serious look overtake my face “Doctor wants to take out my eye.”

“What?” Carter quickly turned, not expecting the confession. I saw worry quickly enter his eye as he tried to get a closer look at it.

“Said it’s fine now, but it’s too close to my brain.” I sighed leaning away from him “Worried if somethin happens things could go bad.”

“and what do you think about that?” Carter gently poked fully welcoming my confessions.

I shrugged my shoulders and thought it over “He’s not takin it from me.”

“What if its the best thing for your health?” He pushed trying to get a better understanding of how I was thinking.

“Then I die.” I teased trying to lighten up “I don’t know man…that’s my eye…how could I want it gone?”

Carter made a face and took a deep breath “Keep it then.” He supported “but if something comes up, if it comes down to it…then you’ll have to get it removed.” I made a face but quickly averted my eyes “Can I look at it?”

“No” I dismissed beginning to pout. I took another few seconds and turned towards him. I raised my left eye the best I could and closed my right one, entering into darkness “Jus don’t touch me.”

“What if I do this?” he teased I could feel a hand wave around somewhere in front of me but couldn’t see what he actually did.

“I got my eye closed ya stupid ass.” I reached out swatting at him.

“Oh…yeah.” he giggled getting closer. I felt a short gasp escape his lips as he took in all the small details I usually don’t let people see “How did this happen anyway? Gang fight?”

“Somethin like that.” I sighed reopening my right eye and leaning away.

“So that’s a no.” he nodded finally beginning to understand my way of talking. “Then how?”

“Come on man. Why you gotta keep pushin me?” I groaned looking down the court.

He made a face thinking it over “Because I want to know you.”

I let out another long groan and shook my head “Happened when I was like 11 or 12…the woman who was supposed to be my mom…well one of her boyfriends came home a little too turnt.” I took a breath and thought over the story “Guess her and him had gotten into a fight earlier that night, I don’t know, I tried not to be home, but he came back high off somethin and mad as hell. The rest is history.”

“So he slashed your eye to get back at her?” He gently pried not understanding the story.

“Nah.” I exhaled growing serious once again “He started beatin on her, and I tried to stop it. He thought he had killed me when he got me in the face…hell he probably should’ve…Put the knife right through the woman right after that.”

Carter let his hand slowly wonder over and land on mine “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s okay” I nodded “It’s not a story I can hide from…at least it’s a reminder.”

Carter uncomfortable shifted but left his hand on mine “It doesn’t have to be a bad reminder…you stood up for someone.”

“And look what happened.” I muttered pulling my hand away.

“You still stood up for someone, even though you knew the risk. Down there somewhere is a hero Riley.” He decided with a nod of his head

“And what you’re gonna dig it out?” I mumbled still unhappy with the story.

“Nope.” He smiled reaching out for my hand once again “he never got buried, just a little dirty.”

“You’re crazy” I exhaled letting our hands touch once more.

He giggled and tried to make eye contact “Aren’t we all?”

I let out another breath and finally looked back over. I swear Carter can find the light in any situation…that he can find good in anyone…so what the hell happened to him? What was the big bad secret Aaron couldn’t tell me? What’s his cross to carry?