Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 39. The Return of Riley Walker

| Riley |

I sat there in silence, just watching the small waves roll up on the shore from Lake Michigan. It’ll be five months tomorrow, but I feel good, I feel so much better. Even if I still have nightmares every now and then, even if my past still haunts me from time to time, it’s time to go home. I haven’t seen my brothers since I left. I haven’t seen Carter since I left. I guess I just didn’t want them to see me like this. So weak, so hurt, so…human.

“Enjoying your last night?” I heard the voice of my roommate call out, taking a seat with me on the beach “What am I going to do without you? This place isn’t exactly crawling with people our age.”

“You still got hockey.” I shrugged, turning and looking into his light blue eyes.

“That’s only for a few hours a week, and you know they hate when I go out.” He groaned, reminding me of how strict the rules around here are “Go to school, and come back, that’s all they want from us.”

“As if tellin people we live in a rehab isn’t bad enough.” I grumbled, turning around at the large building behind us “I won’t miss this place.”

“We both owe our lives to it though.” He reminded me in a sigh.

“Yeah” I nodded, scared of who I would’ve become without it.

“So what’s the big plan for when you get home?” He pried with curious eyes “And don’t give me any of that ‘none of yo business’ crap. It’s our last night, the least you could do is share a little bit.”

“I don’t got any plans.” I shrugged. “Only my dad knows I’m comin home. Stop all that surprise party shit I know my mom woulda tried to plan.”

A smile crept across his face as he nodded his head. “You didn’t even tell Carter?”

“Nah, I haven’t spoken to him in weeks.” I shrugged, looking back out at the water. “I wish he never knew I was here.”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed” Eli began. “No one can judge you but you. I don’t know anyone who could’ve survived what you did.”

“You could’ve” I nodded, knowing he’s experienced his fair share of hell “The soft spot you have for that brat would’ve been your downfall though.” I teased, recalling the outspoken kid that visits him every other weekend.

“He’s not a brat” Eli defended in a laugh “He’s basically become my little brother. Some of the only family I have left.”

“Fuckin’ rich kids.” I shook my head, pushing his buttons a little bit more.

Eli made a face and looked at me “Aren’t you rich?”

“That ain’t none of your business.” I quickly responded, remembering the life I had waiting for me back in the north side.

“That’s what I thought!” he laughed, leaning back on his elbows “All that money, and you still have terrible grammar.”

“Shut up”

“I guess at least you can say your t’s now.” He giggled, enjoying the last bit of ribbing he could give me.

“I’m gonna miss you” I turned back to him and connected eyes “You’re a pain in the ass, but I couldn’t’ve done this without you.”

He nodded his head and smiled once more “Same here.”

“So what’s your plan when you get outta here?” I couldn’t help but ask.

He took a breath and thought everything over “Hockey, hockey and more hockey.” He teased, but the smile fell from his face as he truly thought about his life back home “Probably clean my life up back there. Right all the wrongs I’ve done. Forgive everyone I blamed for Jamie’s death. Find peace I guess.”

“I think you’re almost there.” I comforted, knowing if anyone understood the path I was about to take it was him “I think I gotta do the same shit.”

“You have to forgive yourself before you do anything else.” He advised, with a nod of his head “I know you want to help kids in the Southside. I know you want to get rid of gang violence. But before you can do any of that, you need to take care of yourself.”

“Yeah” I slowly nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying.

“And do it for yourself. I know you love Carter, but you have to get better because you want to, not because he wants you to.” He continued, making sure to drill it into my thick skull “Take care of yourself kid.”

“I will” I nodded with a small smile “You better not go dissapearin on me. Text or call me whenever, and come visit sometime.”

“How about that?” Eli smiled “Riley Walker getting all sentimental. It’s the start of a new day.”

“It is” I nodded, giving him one last playful shove.

I found it even harder as my taxi from the airport pulled up to my house. It’s been months since I’ve been here. Hell last time I was here the snow was just starting to fall, but now it’s almost summer. It’s almost time to kick back and relax. It took every ounce of strength I had in me to pick up my hand and knock on that big wooden door. To let everyone know that I’m back home.

I saw the outline of my older brother in the murky glass, and heard some mumbles from him as he responded to another voice off in the distance “Holy crap” He gasped, as he slowly pulled open the door. He blinked quickly, trying his hardest to figure out if what he was seeing was real or not “Riley?”

I slowly nodded my head, as he pulled me in close for a hug “Right back to this shit huh?”

“Shut up!” Aaron quickly let out, still holding onto me “I haven’t seen you in nearly half a year, I deserve this.” I couldn’t help but laugh as I hugged him back. He took a few more seconds to take in the moment before letting me into the house.

“Well who was it?” I heard my mom call out from the kitchen “Is it the taxi for the airport already? Me and your father aren’t supposed to fly out until this afternoon!”

“Oh it’s a taxi from the airport” Aaron smiled, trying his hardest to fight back tears.

“What?” She replied, slowly walking towards the foyer to figure out what he meant. The second our eyes connected I could see nothing but shock fill hers’ “What?” she repeated, not able to manage any other words.

“Hey” I anxiously let out, not knowing what else to say.

“How?” She asked, shaking her head in disbelief “Why?” before she could manage any other words I rushed over and hugged her, relieved to finally be home “Did something happen?”

“No” I forced out as she held me tightly “Doctors said I could come home if I wanted to, so last weekend Dad booked me a flight.”

She let out a shocked laugh, refusing to let me go. “Well Tak” Aaron called out towards the kitchen “I guess the jigs up, mom’s favorite is home.”

“What?” I heard a young voice in the distance followed by the running of light feet. Before I knew it I felt another weight run into the side of me and mom and wrap around us. “When did you get here?” he exclaimed, as they both finally let me go.

“Just now” I laughed, trying to hide the tears that had fallen from my face.

“What in the world is going on down,” Dad began as he walked down the stairs, but the second he saw me he stopped “I thought your flight was for tonight!”

“Nah” I smiled, as he walked over and pulled me in close “I wanted it for tonight, but you said it’d be easier to get a morning flight.”

“Did I?” he asked, trying his hardest to recall the conversation “It doesn’t matter now” he shook his head, and let me go “I’m just glad you’re finally back.”

“So am I.” I exhaled in a smile.

“Hey!” Aaron suddenly exclaimed, before I could say anything else “Carter’s coming over today!”

“That’s not funny,” I exhaled, turning towards him.

“He really is!” Aaron insisted “We were supposed to work on our history project together!”

“I get the feeling he’ll be preoccupied with someone else.” My mom teased, lightly pushing Aaron.

“Yeah, he will be” Aaron agreed, connecting eyes with me “First day back and you’re already getting in the way of my work.”

“Just like old times” I teased with a grin. We spent the hour or two catching up the best we could. Aaron did great on his SATs just like we all knew he would. He’s got an internship lined up in the city and all! Meanwhile Tak’s trying his hand at basketball, trying his hardest to just enjoy being a kid. And of course in typical Nancy fashion my mom hasn’t left me alone since I stepped in the door! It’s like every five minutes she’s calling my name! I guess it’s easy to say not much has changed since I left. Actually it feels like I never even left!

My heart kicked into overdrive as I heard the familiar growl of Carter’s Maserati in our driveway. I don’t remember the last time I was this nervous, or this excited. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for for months. There’s not one day that went by where I didn’t think of him. Not a single second I didn’t miss him.

“Aaron!” He shouted entering the house, and freezing my heart with the sound of his voice.

“In here!” Aaron responded, trying to lure him into the game room where we were all hanging out.

“I have no idea where we’re even going to start,” Carter groaned as he walked into the room “I can’t believe you of all people let us put this off so late. Did you at least start it?”

“No” Aaron shrugged, trying his hardest to hide his smile “I’ve been busy all day.”

“Babysitting Tak while your parents go check on Riley?” He asked, slowly approaching the couch I was sitting on.

“Something like that.” Aaron nodded as laughter began to break through.

“Whatever, I don’t want to know.” Carter dismissed, trying his hardest to work over their project in his head “Okay so what if we get a poster board and just,”

“Yo” I waived, as he finally came into my view. Even he hasn’t changed. Sure, maybe he looks a little bit older, but he still has the same pretty boy look I fell for.

“Hey” he nodded, returning his look towards Aaron “but yeah so we get a poster and we should,” He froze and turned back towards me, finally registering who he had just greeted “Oh my god” he gasped, as I stood up and pulled him in close. He tried his hardest to say something else but couldn’t manage anything.

“I’ve missed you.” I exhaled, begging to shake from nerves.

“Alright Tak” Aaron exhaled “I better make you breakfast or something.” He shook his head, and quickly tried to get out of the room, not daring to intrude on us.

“But I already…” They young boy began before getting a serious look from his oldest brother “Oh okay” he nodded, quickly following behind Aaron.

“This isn’t real.” Carter let out, pulling away slightly and wiping the tears from his eyes “This is a dream, it has to be.”

“Nope” I forced out, trying my hardest not to cry “I’m home.”

He took another second to look at me before pulling me closely once again “I can’t, I’ve missed you so much. I don’t even know how to explain it,” His tears began to roll faster as he struggled to speak “I, nothing was the same without you. It was like every day was just so, boring. Like I was missing something.” He let out a nervous laugh as he tried his hardest to get a handle over his emotions “I don’t know, I just can’t describe,”

“It’s fine” I interrupted, finally finding the strength to speak “I get it, I felt the same way.”

He stood there, just holding me for a few more minutes before pulling me down to the couch with him “So, how many guys did you cheat on me with while you were away?” he teased, trying his hardest to cuddle me.

“Only one” I provoked, trying to break away from his grip. “He was my roommate.” I rose up, finally breaking free, but before I knew I was pulled right back on top of him. “He was blonde, and had blue eyes, like the bluest eyes I’d ever seen, and every night we would,”

“All that time away and you’re still not funny” he pestered, but I could tell my joke was bothering him.

I took a breath, before turning over and looking at him face to face “Are you crazy?” I asked growing serious.

“Because I don’t think you’re funny?”

“Carter” I sighed as the smile faded from my face.

“Riley” He mimicked, refusing to break his façade.

“Why would I ever cheat on you?” I began, as his eyes slowly drifted “I could never play you like that, I mean how many times I gotta tell you, you’re the only person I’ll ever love.”

“Not even that roommate?” He asked, eyes finally returning to mine.

“No one” I reassured, landing a kiss on his lips. I couldn’t help but let out a breath as we pulled away. All this time apart, but that spark is still there, as fresh as day one.

“Oh you definitely haven’t been cheating” He teased “Man that was rusty.” He put his hand between us as I tried to kiss him once more “Nope you had your shot.”

“Maybe I just needa be reminded how.” I giggled, getting lost in the moment.

“Ahem” My mom let out, sending me flying off of Carter and to the other side of the couch “I’m watching you two,” she reminded, standing over us “And doors stay open, understood?”

“Yes Mrs. James” Carter politely nodded, as his face turned red.

I clicked my tongue and turned towards my mom “We don’t need to be babysat,” I began but saw a serious look in her eyes “Not like,”

Carter slammed his hand over my mouth, and stared me down “Yes mom” he let out, trying to mimic my voice “EW!” he yelped, jumping back across the couch “He licked my hand!”

“Next time I’ll bite it.” I warned, with a smirk.

“What’s wrong with you?” he groaned with a shake of his head “It’s like I’m dating a pitbull.”

“God help you Carter.” Mom let out, still observing us carefully “I don’t know how you put up with him.”

“A lot of Advil.” Carter teased, causing them both to break out into laughter.

“What you want anyway?” I grunted, starting to get annoyed by their laughter.

“Watch the tone Riley.” Mom warned, shooting me a stern look. “I was just coming to see if you want something to eat.”

“Nah we’re good.” I answered, wishing she would disappear already.

She looked over to Carter but he happily nodded his head in agreement with my words. “Alright, well I’m cooking for Tak so if there’s anything else you guys want me to throw on the stove just let me know.”

“Thank you Mrs. James.” Carter politely smiled.

A few seconds of silence passed before I felt Carter’s foot lightly kick my leg. “Thanks ma.” I forced out.

“Don’t act so happy to be home.” Mom remarked, making sure to ruffle my long ratty hair as she walked out.

“What’s the matter with you?” Carter asked, watching my Mom disappear back into the other rooms of the house.

“Nothin.” I grunted. “I just don’t needa be babied.”

“Oh boo hoo.” Carter teased in a sarcastic tone. “Poor Riley, coming back to his nice fancy home with his mother offering to cook him lunch. I really forgot how bad you had it here in Chicago.”

“It’s only bad cause I gotta put up with your dumb ass.” I bit back, connecting with his hazel eyes.

“Can we ship you off to grammar school this summer?” He asked, pulling me back towards him. “Oh, and you better cut that hair of yours before I cut it for you.”

“It ain’t goin anywhere.” I smiled, shaking my head to let it fall back to the front of my face. “It’s almost as long as it was back when I first came here.”

“That’s not a good thing.” Carter giggled, giving me a quick peck on the lips. “I’ve missed you, you know that?”

“Well next time I’ll make sure to bring you with me.” I smiled, pushing my forehead against his.

“Oh yeah?” he asked with trouble in his eyes. “So then why wasn’t I allowed to visit this time?” I rolled my eyes, and fell back to the other side of the couch. “Oh come on, I didn’t mean it in a bad way.” He tried to clarify as I slowly got to my feet. “It’s not like I’m mad or anything.”

“I’m hungry.” I remarked, walking around the couch. “I’m gonna go check what’s cooking.”

“Oh don’t do that!” Carter exclaimed, quickly catching up to me. “It was just a question Riley!”

“I know,” I shrugged, entering into the kitchen. “But I’m hungry.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t answer questions.” He insisted causing me to roll my eyes once more.

“Watch you making for Tak?” I asked, noticing my mom pouring milk into a pot.

“Macaroni and cheese.” She answered, mixing in the last few ingredients. “And it’s just about done, so sit down.”

“That shit’s nasty.” I shook my head, turning towards the fridge.

“Language!” She reprimanded, turning back towards Carter. “Would you like some?”

“Yes please.” He nodded, walking over and sitting with my brothers at the table.

“So what are you two fighting about?” Aaron provoked, looking from Carter to me.

“Stay in your lane bruh.” I interrupted, before Carter had the chance to say anything.

Aaron giggled at the reaction and turned towards our mom. “I forgot that we need a translator just to understand him.”

I locked eyes and lightly growled before turning and raiding the fridge. “Man there ain’t nothin in this house!”

“That’s not true.” My mom spoke up as she handed out plates of mac and cheese. “We have those cups of yogurt you like.”

I quickly turned as I heard some stifled laughter from the group. “I’d love to know what’s so freakin funny.”

“Do you need to go sit in your room for a while?” My mom warned, forcing me to look at her.

“No.” I muttered, grabbing yogurt and forcing myself to sit next to Carter. As I sat down Tak jumped in his seat and tried to discreetly move more towards Aaron. “What’s your problem?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head and quietly began to eat.

Carter giggled, and gave me a light push. “Don’t worry Tak, he’s harmless.”

Tak looked up at him, then over to me before shaking his head once more. “Not when he’s angry.”

Carter rolled his eyes. “He’s all bark and no bite.”

“I’m not gonna hit you kid.” I grumbled, staring straight ahead.

“Why would he think you’re going to hit him?” Aaron remarked, carefully observing the display in front of him. I quickly looked over to Tak to make sure he would stay quiet, but the second our eyes connected he looked down at his food.

“I don’t think that.” He lied, keeping his head down.

Before I could say anything I felt Carter’s stare narrow in on me. “You sure about that?” Carter asked, reminding me how good he was at sniffing out bullshit. “You can tell us. I don’t know what Riley was like in the Southside, but around here I keep him on a tight leash.”

“Leashes break.” I grumbled, giving intimidation one last try.

“He hit me back on the streets.” Tak confessed. I sucked my teeth and let my head fall back, prepared for the hell they were about to rain down on me.

I heard my mom take a deep breath as she tried to connect the dots. “Riley!” she finally forced out.

“I wanna see one of ya’ll survive on the streets.” I grunted, slamming my spoon down on the table. “You think I wanna wander around hitting eleven year olds? I hit him for a reason.”

“Well then please, by all means share.” Mom let out, trying her hardest not to show how angry she actually was with me.

“Why? It’s not like any of you guys could get it.” I exhaled, leaning back in my chair.

“You didn’t have a good reason to hit me,” Tak spoke up weighing in on the conversation.

“Bullshit.” I shook my head, standing up and slamming the chair into the table.

Tak jumped in his seat and nervously gulped. “You hit me cause I wanted to be like you!” He yelped as I began to walk away.

“You wanted to be a gang banger who was gonna end up with a bullet between his eyes.” I corrected, not even bothering to turn around. “What was we doing on that corner?” The room grew quiet as Tak declined to answer. “We were pushing every drug under the sun. So yeah I hit you, but you needed to be pulled into reality, and no one in this room can tell me any fuckin different. Tak was just another solider back then.” Once more the room grew quiet, except this time I headed to the front door and slammed it behind me.

“Hey!” I heard Carter yell out from the steps as I reached the halfway point of the long driveway. “Where are you going?” I bit my tongue but before I knew it Carter had run right up to me. “What the hell is going on with you right now?” I forced my eyes ahead and kept moving, trying my hardest to ignore him. “Riley!” he yelped. “So what? Now you’re just ignore everyone when you get angry?”

“No.” I muttered, still not looking up. “I just wanna be left alone.” I lied.

“That’s not happening.” He rejected , too distracted to call me on my bullshit. “You’ve been gone for months, and now you’re finally back and you’re flying off the handle at every little thing? So what? Is this just you now?”

“What if it is?” I provoked, finally turning towards him. “What if I’ve been gone all this time, but I’ve only been getting angrier and angrier? Watchu gonna do about that?”

“We’ll figure it out,” he tried to comfort. He reached for my hand but before he could grab onto it I pulled it away. “But you can’t shut us out and lash out at your family. Especially not Tak.”

I groaned and rolled my eyes. “I can’t help it if he’s scared of me.”

“He’s told me stories about you,” Carter exhaled, ignoring my words. “Of the kid he used to follow whenever he got the chance. He looks up to you, he joined the saints so that he could,”

“Man why the fuck you gotta put that on me?” I growled, staring him down. “Why you gotta talk like I’m the reason he joined a gang?”

“Because you are.” Carter pressured, not backing down. “Don’t like it? Tough shit. We all do things we regret.” He began in a brave breath. “But it’s what we do to make up for them that makes us who we are.”

“You’re like a god damn hallmark card.” I shook my head and gave him a friendly shove, remembering just how strong he was.

He took a few more seconds to let me calm down before finally grasping onto my hand. “Better?”

“I don’t know man.” I grumbled, shaking my head. “You guys just want to jump back into all this shit like I’m the same.” I bit my lip and thought it over. “I ain’t the same.”

Carter nodded his head and gently bucked shoulders with me. “Alright, we’ll give you as much time as you need, but you can’t start yelling at people because they’re laughing that you like yogurt.” I turned and shot him an annoyed look, but quickly fixed it as I realized his point. “See!” he laughed, gripping my hand tighter. He let out a deep breath as the smile faded from his face. “Especially if you’re really just mad at me.”

“What?” I asked, trying to figure out what he was talking about. “Man I ain’t mad at you, I’m mad cause Nancy’s been tryin to baby me since I got back.” He nodded his head once more, but I could tell he didn’t believe me. “You really wanna know why I wouldn’t let you visit?”

“Yeah” he forced out, breaking eye contact and looking forward.

“I don’t think ya’ll realize where I was,” I exhaled. “Shit was more strict than Juvy. They had to know everywhere I was going, and exactly what I was doing. It was like I wasn’t even me there. I didn’t want ya’ll to see that.” I shook my head and looked down. “I barely even knew who I was.”

He let out a deep breath and let my words hit him. “Did it help?”

“Yeah” I forced out. “As much as it could, but I still got shit around here I gotta do. I gotta fix all the shit I fucked up.”

“Like what?” he asked, but I shook my head and stayed quiet. “You can never just sit back and leave things be, can you?”

“No.” I grumbled, hating it as much as him. “How could I?”

“I don’t know.” He exhaled, forcing me to walk back towards the house. “but right now I think you owe your family an apology.” I let out a long groan, and threw my head back but knew he was right. “You’ll survive.” He laughed as the house reappeared in the distance.

Once more I fell silent, but this time Carter didn’t seem to mind. He patiently walked with me until we were finally back in the kitchen. “Sorry” I grunted, as my brothers and mom eagerly stared at me.

“What’s that?” Aaron provoked. “I can’t hear you.”

“Sorry.” I grumbled a little bit louder. “I just needa get used to bein back home.”

Aaron went to say something else but before he could mom raised her hand. “Don’t push his buttons Aaron.” She reprimanded, walking towards the living room. “Riley come here.” I let out another groan, but saw she wasn’t playing around. “Now Riley.”

“I’m sorry.” I repeated, as she pulled me away from the group. “So you gonna ground me now?”

“Riley!” She gasped in disbelief. “I can’t believe your tone today. I understand you have a lot on your plate, and your doctors said you would have episodes from time to time, but I can’t believe what I’m seeing from you.”

“I’m not havin an episode.” I mumbled, not even bothering to look up at her. “I’m just sick of you babyin me all day. It’s like every thirty minutes you keep checkin in, it’s my first day back and I already need some space.”

“Well did it ever occur to you that I might just be worried?” She began in a strict voice. “You haven’t been home for months, and then you just appear at the front door like nothing happened. On top of it all we were supposed to make a plan with your doctors for when you got home.” She shook her head as concern began to enter her face. “I know I don’t have to tell you how,”

“Okay, okay,” I exhaled, cutting her off and hugging her. “I get it. But you gotta trust me here. I know myself, I know what I can and can’t do now that I’m home.”

“Do you?” She asked, clutching me tightly.

“Yeah.” I lied, not really knowing what my limits are. “I talked with the doctors about it before I left. Trust me, they didn’t just let me walk out.”

“Okay.” She nodded, trying her hardest to calm herself down. “I’ll give you space if you promise to come to me the second you start having an episode.”

“You got it.” I nodded as she finally let me go. “I’m sorry.” I repeated as I saw just how truly worried she was. “I love you.” I forced out.

“I love you too.” She quickly let out bringing me in for another hug.

“Ma.” I groaned as our agreement immediately fell out the window.

“Sorry, sorry.” She waved off. “I just didn’t expect you to say that.”

I shook my head, but turned quickly to hide the small smile growing on my face. “How?!” Aaron exclaimed as he saw the smile on our mom’s face. “Me or Tak mess up and we get grounded forever, but Riley can do anything.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it.” I teased with a smile. “Maybe mom just doesn’t love you.”

“Why do you always have to push it?” Carter groaned, shooting me another serious look.

I shrugged my shoulders and walked over to him. “Because if I don’t who will?”

“Tak.” Aaron answered in a mumble. “As if one of you wasn’t bad enough.”

“He really is like you.” Carter nodded, staring from me to the youngest member in the room.

“Yeah?” I asked, looking over at him.

He blushed at my words, but didn’t say anything. “Yup” Our mom nodded, resting her hands on his shoulders. “Basketball, bad language, climbing on things, getting detentions, but most importantly he’s got your big heart.” She smiled, trying to hug Tak from behind the chair.

“I don’t got a big heart.” I mumbled, as my eyes fell.

“You went all the way to the Southside to save someone you hated, you brought back an eleven year old because you saw yourself in him, you almost cried when you saw me before,”

“Carter!” I interrupted, turning and staring him down.

“Riley loves Carter!” Aaron teased with a big grin. “Riley and Carter sitting in a tree,”

“Yeah, when you gonna bring a girl home?” I bit, turning towards him.

“He scared of girls.” Tak finally spoke up. “He gets all weird when they come by.”

“That’s right.” I encouraged. “He ain’t smooth at all.”

“And you are?” Carter asked, defending his best friend. “I pretty much had to teach you how to be a good boyfriend.”

“That’s cause you a guy.” I shook my head. “You’ve seen me with girls.”

Carter rolled his eyes, and turn from Aaron to me .“Your gay Riley, it doesn’t matter how good you are with girls.”

“I ain’t gay.” I argued, shooting him a stern look.

“No?” My mom asked, giving Carter a confused look.

“No.” I grunted. “I just like Carter is all.”

“You don’t like him, you love him.” Aaron provoked, getting a rise of laughter out of Tak.

“And so what?” I asked, turning towards him. “I love Carter, but I’ll still beat your ass.”

“Oh you’re so tough,” he spit, taking a quick shot at me. “Why don’t you come over here and say that?”

“Yeah, watchu gonna do?” I asked, as Carter grabbed my arm.

“That’s it.” Mom decided, taking away Tak’s empty bowl. “Riley you get to wash the dishes, Aaron you get to dry them, and I’ll be taking both your phones for tonight. It’ll be like when Riley first moved in all over again.”

“Cept Aaron was smart enough to be scared of me back then.” I grunted, getting up and walking towards the sink.

“Oh please, I was never scared of you.” He defended, giving me a light bump as he joined me at the sink. “I just let you think that.”

“Yeah, okay.” I sarcastically let out. “More like you’re too much of a bitc-baby to actually do anythin.”

“Come on Tak,” Carter spoke up, standing up from the table. “Since your older brothers want to fight like an old couple let’s go watch a movie.”

“Yeah!” Tak exclaimed, jumping out of his seat. “What should we watch? Do you wanna watch the South Park movie? Or maybe the,”

“Hey!” My mom exclaimed, carefully watching us from the back of the kitchen. “Keep it PG!”

“PG-13.” Tak pleaded, turning towards her with puppy eyes.

“PG.” She repeated, standing her ground. “And I swear to god if I see anything else on that T.V. you’ll be joining your brothers in the doghouse.”

“Cause this is so bad.” I mumbled handing Aaron the last dish.

“What was that Mr. Walker?” Mom asked, walking up and grabbing onto my shoulder. “Do we need to have another conversation?”

“No, I’m sorry.” I grumbled, keeping my head down and walking towards Carter before she could find something else for me to do. “Let’s go watch a movie.”

“That’s what I thought.” She proudly nodded, finally getting me under control. “Nothing above PG, I’m serious Riley. Tak’s only eleven, and you know that you can’t,”

“Ahhh.” I interrupted throwing my head back. “I got it.”

“First person to the remote gets to pick the movie!” Aaron shouted, but before he could make a move I darted to the game room.

“You so dumb!” I shouted as I slid into the room. “How you gonna say that while you behind me?” I proudly asked, snatching the remote from the cabinet.

“Because I knew you’d do that!” Aaron laughed, grabbing a small remote off the couch. “We got a new cable box since you left dumbass!”

“That’s fucked up!” I yelped, walking up to him and trying to grab it out of his hand. “Come on man!” I argued as he extended his hand to keep me at bay. “I swear I’mma break your arm.”

“Yoink!” Tak yelled as he side stepped our wrestling and grabbed the remote from Aaron. “There’s a new king in the house!”

“Thatta boy!” I exclaimed, reaching out towards him. “Now come on, give it.”

“No way!” He yapped, clutching onto it tightly. “Cars 3 is on demand, and Mom wouldn’t take me when it was in the movies because I had too many detentions.”

“Uhhh” Aaron groaned, slamming down into a nearby seat. “See what you did?”

“I like Cars.” Carter shrugged, grabbing onto my waist and pulling me down onto the couch.

“Come on kid.” I pleaded, letting myself fall onto Carter. “Can’t you put on somethin good? I’ll take the heat for you.”

“No.” He shook his head, carefully scrolling through the menus so not to miss his choice.

“What did we decide on?” Mom asked, leaning in the door.

“Cars” Tak proudly announced. “I got the remote!”

“That’s my boy!” She smiled. “You don’t have to be bigger than your brothers, just smarter.”

“Don’t worry, I am!” he giggled, returning his attention to the T.V.

“Space boys.” Mom narrowed in, staring at me lying on top of Carter. “I don’t want to have to police you every time you’re here, but I will.”

“Sorry Mrs. James.” Carter quickly apologized, pushing me off of him. She happily nodded, turned off the lights, and shut the door behind her.

“Pff” I let out, letting myself fall right back onto Carter.

Carter went to push me off him again, but this time I wasn’t moving. “How did you go away for so long and come back worse than before?”

“Cause I might as well have been locked away out there.” I groaned, thinking back on rehab. “But now that I’m out, I’m ready to raise some hell.”

“Mom and Dad said he might be like this.” Aaron began. “He’s just trying to establish himself as top of the food chain now that he’s back.”

“Bitch, I was at the top even when I was away.” I explained sitting up and staring him down. “You need me to prove it?”

Carter grabbed me by the shirt and yanked me back down. “Me and Aaron can go work on our project if you’re going to be a problem all day.”

“I’m cool.” I grumbled, resting into him. “Tak.” I called out shifting my focus to him. “Don’t you wanna watch something cool now that I’m home? You been stuck here with Aaron for so long you probably forgot what cool was.”

“No.” He stubbornly rejected. “You’re gonna get me in trouble.”

“Bruh I’ve been getting into trouble all day and what’s the worst that’s happened? I had to clean some dishes, and I’ll lose my phone tonight.” I shrugged. “That shits nothing and you know it, unless you’re scared.”

“I ain’t scared.” He pouted, finally turning towards me.

“Tak put on Cars.” Carter let out, seeing that I was finally breaking through.

“Yeah go ahead, you too scared to watch something real anyway.” I shrugged, turning towards the T.V. “Especially that new Purge movie. You way too much of a bitch for that.”

“I ain’t a bitch.” He insisted, scrolling over the movie and clicking it. “What’s it about anyway?”

“About a night with no laws. Could you imagine people like us with no laws?” I tempted. “We’d rule the world.”

“Yeah.” He gasped, thinking of the possibilities. “We’d run from rooftop to rooftop.”

“Exactly!” I exclaimed, as he scrolled over to the order button. “So this is like that but cooler, cause we just get to sit back and watch. “

“Get a handle over your boyfriend.” Aaron groaned, connecting eyes with Carter.

Carter exhaled a long breath and shook his head. “You know there’s not controlling him when he gets like this. You just have to ride out the storm.”

“That’s been bad enough with Tak.” Aaron exhaled. “How the hell am I going to survive them both?”

“I’m wondering the same thing.” Carter mumbled as Tak finally hit the order button.

“Yo Tak.” I whispered, as Carter’s words started to settle in. “Give me the remote.”

“Why?” He asked, turning towards me. “I put on your movie.”

“Yeah but if Ma walks in she’ll think it was your idea, just tell her I took it from you.” I offered, as he reluctantly handed it to me. “Trust me, I ain’t up to nothing.”

“My hero.” Carter sarcastically let out, but I could tell he was impressed.

Everyone quieted down as the movie finally began. It was nice to just be with my boyfriend and brothers. I’ll never tell them, but I really did miss being home, especially now that we adopted Tak. It’s like I finally have someone else besides Carter that gets me, even if he is just eleven.

As the movie went on I felt myself tense up. At first I thought it was just because I hadn’t seen a scary movie in a while, but with every gunshot that followed I felt myself tighten up more and more.

“Are you okay?” Carter whispered, feeling my breathing grow faster and faster.

“I’m cool.” I forced out, trying my hardest to keep control over myself. We worked on this, we worked on loud noises, and gun shots. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I spent the next ten minutes repeating it in my head, desperately trying not to fall back into that place. Yet as the movie went on things only seemed to get worse.

As my vision began to blur I went to stand, but the second I looked at the T.V. I felt a flood of emotions hit me. Bodies hung from the trees, as people burned around them. Suddenly it was more than just a movie. I could see the setup of my old apartment. Syringes, roaches, bottles and cigarettes littered the floor as the outline of my biological mother laid on the floor, blood pouring out of her. Before I knew it pain like I’ve never felt before began to ring out of my left eye, sending me falling to the floor. I crawled to the corner, desperately looking for somewhere to hide.

“Riley!” Carter gasped, as Aaron ran over and turned the lights on. He went to grab for me but I shakily shrugged him away, and tried my hardest to pick apart what was real or not. “Riley, I-I,” he stuttered as I began to shake from the flashback.

“Mom!” I heard Aaron shout disappearing out into the hall.

I took a deep breath and couldn’t help but keep scanning the room, desperate for any signs of what was real or not. Carter kept trying to speak to me, but there was no use. The dying screams of the women on the floor began to flood my ears, as I watched once more in horror as my mother bled out. I went to scream but nothing came out.

I clutched desperately at my eyes, trying to make the pain stop, until finally a gentle hand pulled my arm away from my face. “Riley,” I heard my mom’s voice calmly let out. “Do you remember how to ground yourself? Just breathe nice and slow, and try to think of things you can smell and see in the room you were just in.” She instructed, forcing my hand open and handing me a small cube of ice. The second I felt the cold I closed my eyes and tightly shut my hand. I focused all I could on the sensation in my hand. That’s what’s real, it has to be, that’s whats real. It took another minute or two, but when I finally opened my eyes I could see everything for what it really was.

“What happened?” Mom asked, trying her hardest to stay calm. I shook my head, and put my face into my knees. “Who put this on?” She asked, finally looking over at the T.V.

“Who do you think?” Aaron mumbled, getting a little bit closer to me.

“Riley!” she shouted, causing me to involuntarily jump. She let out a long sigh realizing the state I was in and waived Carter over. “It’s okay dear, you’re safe.” She tried to comfort. “See, look, it’s just me and Carter.” She offered but I kept my head tightly in my knees, too scared to peak around the room.

“I thought he was supposed to be better?” Aaron asked, too worried to censor his words.

“He’s been like this before?” Carter asked, restlessly looking at Aaron.

“Never this bad.” Aaron shook his head. “I’ve seen him get agitated from nightmares, but never from a movie.”

“He’s fine.” Mom lied, trying to keep control. “He’s just still recovering is all.”

“Everyone just shut up.” I finally forced out feeling my senses returning to normal.

“Do you know where you are?” Mom asked, waiving for Carter to stay near me.

“I’m home.” I mumbled. I raised my head but once I saw everyone staring at me I quickly returned it to my knees.

“Where is home?” My mom pushed, trying to make sure the episode was over.

“I know I’m in the Northside, okay?” I bit, agitated by all the attention. “Why don’t ya’ll take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

“Sounds like normal Riley if I ever heard him.” Aaron shrugged, taking a seat on the floor.

“No.” I grumbled forcing my head back up. “That doesn’t mean sit yo ass down, that means leave me the fuck alone.” Mom went to reach out for me but once again I shrugged away the contact. “I mean it.” I complained. “I just need my medicine and time alone.”

Mom nodded towards Aaron to take Tak and leave, but stopped Carter from following them. “Did you take your medicine this morning?” I let out a long groan knowing what was coming next. “If you took it this morning then you know you can’t have it again until dinner.”

“That was at like five in the morning before I got on the plane.” I complained, feeling the anxiety that follows my episodes beginning to form. “Please.” I begged.

“No.” She shook her head. “You just have to deal with it right now.”

I let out another groan before dropping my head back into my knees. “Carter go work with Aaron or somethin.”

“No.” She denied once more. “He needs to see you like this; you’ve put it off for too long.”

“No he doesn’t!” I yelped. “No one does!”

“Like what?” He asked, finally speaking.

“Weak.” I answered, shamefully shaking my head.

“This is not being weak.” Mom sternly instructed. “This is what happens when he gets flashbacks from his PTSD.”

“So this is what you meant when you said you’re not the same.” Carter exhaled, piecing everything together. “Riley, it’s okay,”

“If this was okay, then why was you so scared five minutes ago?” I asked, too aggravated to hear him out.

“Because it’s scary.” He admitted. “I’ve never seen you act like that before, I-I had no idea what to do. Hell I still don’t, but I can never learn how to help if you shut me out.” He slowly scooted next to me, making sure not to touch me. “How can I help?” He asked, looking towards my mom.

My mom gave me the chance to answer, but returned her eyes to Carter’s once she saw I wasn’t going to speak. “Well first you have to identify what type of episode he’s having, usually it’s just minor ones where he gets upset and anxious, and, well, I’m sure you’ve dealt with that before, but the major ones, those are a little bit more difficult.” She exhaled. “The most important thing is to stop him from grabbing at his eye. From there you need to find a way to distract him from his thoughts, his doctor told us to use ice, but there are other methods too, right Riley?”

I stayed quiet for another few seconds before finally picking my head back up. “Loud music, or anythin that smells helps.” I grumbled. “I just need somethin that wouldn’t be in the memory I’m in, somethin to help me find my way back.”

“You’re not finding your way back, you never left.” Mom reprimanded. “You have to remember that.”

“What’s the memory?” he nervously asked, as our eyes connected.

A few more seconds of silence passed before my mom stood up. “Talk to him Riley, or so help me god I’ll send you right back to Michigan.” She took another second to look me over before leaving the room.

When she first saw what my episodes were like she couldn’t stop crying. It was like she could see what I was seeing, like she could feel my pain. I’ll never forget that. I let out a deep breath as I watched her disappear into the hallway. I can’t put her through all of this again, I have to get better, if not for me, for her.

“You really wanna know?” I asked, as my eyes fell to the floor.

“It depends,” he began, hesitating slightly. “Are you going to be able to stay calm?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “At least for now.” I let out, clutching onto what was left of the ice. “You sure you wanna know?”

“Yeah” he nodded, letting out a deep breath. “I mean I’ve heard about Cy Walker before, what’s another story?” He teased, trying his hardest to lighten the mood.

“They change every now and then but this one ain’t from when I was a saint.” I sighed. “This was before that.”

“Before?” He repeated, shooting me a puzzled look.

I slowly nodded my head and placed my hand on his. “Back when I used to live with my mom in her apartment.” I began. “When I get flashbacks, they’re from the night she died. I-I watch the life fade from her while she screams and cries for help. The whole time a dark figure just watches us both bleed out. And I, it’s like I lose my eye all over again. Like I can feel the pain and the blood covering my face. I, it’s like I’m that scared kid watching his world fall apart all over again.” I shook my head as the scene quickly replayed in my head causing me to pull my hand back to my side. “I just, I don’t want to hear her screams anymore.”

He let out a deep breath, thinking over my words. “That story only gets harder to hear,” he sighed, recalling the first time I had told him it. “What’s your mom think about it?

“She doesn’t know.” I forced out in a mumble.

“What? That’s crazy!” He yelped. “You have to tell her, how will you ever,”

“No!” I interrupted, starting to get worked up all over again. “She can never know! Even my doctors told her not to dig into it. It’s bad enough I always disappoint her, how the hell am I supposed to tell her I keep thinking about my birth mom?”

“Woh woh woh.” He let out, trying to force eye contact. “Why do you think you disappoint her?”

“I can see it in her eyes.” I grumbled, not giving in to Carter’s gaze. “The way I keep breaking her rules, how bad I do in school, how I had to go away for nearly half a year and still couldn come back normal.”

Carter scooted over and forced his arm around me, not caring how badly I squirmed. “Riley Walker,” He began, trying to find the words. “You just, you have no idea how boring life around here was without you, do you?” I stayed quiet and looked away as he pulled me tighter. “Every time I came over your mom wouldn’t stop talking about you, and everyone else around here, they just felt, they felt, blah.” He shook his head.

“It was like we were living in black and white, but the second I walked into this house today everything felt different, it felt, alive. And sure enough the second we all sat down for lunch there you are starting trouble and chaos, fighting with everyone, yelling and cursing.”

“That ain’t a good thing.” I muttered, trying to push him away.

“You can be so clueless sometimes.” He giggled, refusing to move. “You create chaos, but behind it is, is, there’s love and laughter. You fight with Aaron one minute, but the next you two are best friends. You’re the life this family needs.” He shook his head, let me go and stood up. “You’re the life we all need.” He reached down and grasped my hand, pulling me up next to him. “Can you go hang out with your mom and Tak while I get my homework done?”

“I don need to be babysat.” I grumbled, still not looking at him.

“Riley.” He reprimanded, refusing to let go of my hand.

“Okay.” I softly agreed. “But you better finish quickly.”

“I will, and then we’ll have to whole rest of the day for ourselves. We can talk, and watch movies, and play basketball, and,”

“Kiss.” I teased, finally looking into his eyes.

“And kiss.” He giggled. “One day I’m going to get you to see just how special you are Riley Walker. I swear I will.”

“Don’t hold your breath.” I shook my head.

He let out a small laugh, and pushed my hair out of my face. “You’ll look back on all this one day and wonder how you could’ve been so blind.” He took me by the hand and went to lead me out of the room, but before he could I pulled him back towards me.

“Thank you.” I exhaled, wrapping myself around him. “I-you never gave up on me. I’ll never forget that.”

He took a deep breath and just held me for a little bit. I don’t know where I’m headed, but as long as it’s with Carter I know I’ll be okay. School, family, basketball, mental health, it can all pile up as much as it wants, as long as I have him I know I’ll find a way.