Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 56. Enough

| Riley |

As I walked back into the house Eli flashed me a big smile. Back in Michigan he always said he wanted to see what kind of boyfriend I was. He swore I’d be some helpless puddle of goo that follows whatever Carter says. But now he sees I’m just me around Carter. I’m the same loud mouthed outspoken kid, except he was right about one thing. I do follow whatever Carter says!

“He’s really cute.” Eli remarked as I took my seat. “It’s no wonder you’re so hopeless for him.”

“I ain’t hopeless.” I lied, looking up at the T.V.

“It’s not a bad thing.” He reminded me. “You’re really lucky to have him, you know that?”

“Yeah.” I admitted, looking back over to him. “So you approve?”

“Does it matter?” Eli asked as I shook my head.

“Not really.” I replied with a shrug. “I just wanna see what you think.”

“I approve.” He nodded forcing eye contact. “You’re really lucky to have him, you know that right?”

“Yeah, he’s what gets me through the night.” I admitted as I tried my hardest to fight off a blush.

“Then say that loud and proud.” Eli warned as a serious look entered his eyes. “The last thing you want is to be left alone with words that got left unsaid.”

“Alright.” I accepted, more reflective than I had been all week. “You, you’re like him right?”

“I guess.” Eli cautiously accepted. “I like to think I’m not as, pretty boyish.”

“What’s that mean?” I defensively let out.

“It’s not a bad thing!” Eli quickly recovered in a laugh. “He’s just very, preppy I guess.” I shook my head as our eyes connected once more. “Why do you ask?”

“If you was him,” I began, choosing my next few words carefully. “how would you want me to thank you?”

A small smile filled Eli’s face as he thought it over. “Little things.” He nodded his head. “Flowers, poems, small gestures, anything like that. Just small reminders that show you think about him.”

“That’s it?” I asked, skeptical of his advice.

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” He nodded his head. I fell quiet as I ran through a few ideas in my head. “Why? You finally going to take my advice?”

“Maybe.” I dismissed before tossing him another controller.

“I wanna play!” Tak shouted as he entered the room, and just like that our peaceful moment was over.

“Eli cheats anyway.” I exhaled, handing Tak my controller.

“I do not.” Eli shook his head. “Tak, your older brother is a sore loser.”

“I know.” The young boy quickly nodded. “He overdramatic.”

“Man,” I clicked my tongue. “You don’t even know what that means.”

“I do cause I live with you.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Mom ain’t happy with you right now by the way.”

“Why?” I groaned as my head fell back.

“Dad told her you want dogs.” He explained, barely looking over to me. “She don’t want em.”

“Well too bad.” I remarked as I rose to my feet.

“That’s what Dad said!” Tak cackled.

“Don’t fight with your mom.” Eli warned as I slowly made my way out of the room.

“I won’t.” I rejected in a sigh. “We just gotta talk.”

“Leave me outta it!” Tak yelped as their voices grew distant.

As I walked into the kitchen my mom’s eyes immediately fell on mine. “Dogs?” She asked in a serious tone.

“Yeah.” I replied, trying my hardest to match her intensity. “You want me to feel safe, don’t you?”

“I do, but do you really think you’re responsible enough to handle that?” She pressured, forcing eye contact. “I’m not getting stuck taking care of two dogs because you bit off more than you can chew.”

“I can handle it.” I quickly nodded my head. “I took care of myself on the streets, I think I can handle a dog in the Northside.”

She rolled her eyes and let out a deep sigh. “And you honestly think you deserve one?”

“What’s that mean?” I grumbled, leaning against the counter as I stood across from her.

“It means you’ve been doing drugs behind my back,” She warned in a stern voice. “and I’m supposed to just reward you for that?”

“It’s not drugs, it was just weed. I messed up.” I confessed, making sure to keep eye contact. “But I told you bout it, didn’t I? Don’t that count for somethin?”

“It does, but how do I know you won’t do it again?” She pressured, staring me down once more.

“Cause I’ll flush it right now.” I decided. “And I’ll never touch anythin again. Nothin. No drugs. No alcohol. Nothin for as long as I live.”

“And why’s that?” She asked.

“Cause I’m done runnin.” I forced out in a strong voice. “I’m ready to take this serious. I’m ready to move on with my life.”

“Prove it.” She challenged as I slowly began to walk towards the stairs.

As I climbed them I felt my heart begin to race. “Hey.” Aaron let out from his desk as I entered our room. “What are you doing?” He asked as I reached into one of my drawers and pulled out a plastic bag with green nuggets in it.

“Gettin rid of it.” I explained as he quickly stood up.

“Think about what you’re doing.” He warned in a concerned voice. “We, remember we had bonding moment with it. We could have another.”

“We’ll find somethin else to do together.” I dismissed, hardly even slowing down. “Besides, Mom’s downstairs waiting for me.”

“I forgot you told her.” He grumbled, taking a long look at me. “I don’t know what I hate more. That you’re getting rid of it, or that I can’t even be mad at you.”

“What’s that mean?” I asked, finally stopping.

“It means I’m proud of you.” He explained as I turned to him. “And Carter would be too.” I quietly nodded my head as I began to walk again. “Wait! You didn’t tell her that I,”

“No.” I shook my head. “And if you really want, I could get you a vape you could smoke cannabis oil out of. It don’t smell and it’s healthier.”

“Alright.” He accepted in a nod. “I’ll let you know.”

As I reached the bottom of the steps I walked behind my mom and dropped the bag in front of her. “That’s all of it.” I remarked.

“And how much did you pay for it?” She asked, staring me down once more.

“Thirty.” I replied, as she shook her head. “That’s a good price.”

“I don’t like that you know that.” She grumbled, taking a long look at it.

“I was a drug dealer.” I reminded her.

“I like to forget that.” She exhaled, pushing the bag towards me. “You want a dog? You flush that, and come clean to Carter.”

“He don’t need to know.” I argued, shooting her a serious look.

I saw fire rise in her eyes as she heard those words. “That boy has been waiting on you hand and foot since you had surgery, and you’re going to tell me he doesn’t need to know you’ve been smoking weed?”

“Sorry.” I forced out in a sigh.

“You better be.” She warned as I grabbed the bag. “Mark my words. The last thing I’m going to let you become is a bad boyfriend.”

“Yeah.” I nodded as I led her to the bathroom. With a deep breath I dropped the bag into the toilet and hit the handle.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” She asked, giving me a light pat on the back.

“No.” I agreed looking back at her.

“If I ever see you with drugs again you’ll have to be wheeled out of this house.” She warned, giving me the strictest look I had ever seen in my life. I gulped hard as I realized the mood I had put her in. I’ve messed with a lot of scary people in my life, but this is by far the most intimidated I’ve ever been. “Understood?”

“Yes.” I nodded my head. “I love you.”

“You better.” She warned, giving me a light hug. “Now go enjoy the rest of your night, Eli flies out tomorrow morning.”

“Alright.” I nodded before quickly making my way back to the game room. I knew Nancy could keep up with me, but I never thought she could actually scare me! What the hell was that and where did it come from? I ain’t messin with her again, that’s for damn sure.

The rest of the night I stayed on my best behavior when Mom was around. Walter is starting to seem like a teddy bear compared to her! Eli even helped me prepare a surprise for Carter! When it finally came time for us to go to bed I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.

“Hey,” I forced out as I laid awake in bed. “I gotta ask you somethin.”

“Shoot.” He replied, turning towards me.

“I uh, I overheard you and Carter talkin.” I confessed. “You really think I can change the world?”

“I know it.” He confirmed in a confident voice. “People like you. They push change until it happens.”

“What if I’m not what you think I am?” I asked as I felt my doubts rise to the surface.

“Then you wouldn’t still be here.” He answered without skipping a beat. “I was talking with Aaron before and he said they had a few other foster kids before you, most from the Southside.”

“I know, but they weren’t plannin to adopt them.” I explained before he could get the wrong idea.

“It’s easy to say that now when they’re looking back, but I don’t see your parents as the type to foster and not want to adopt.” Eli analyzed in a serious voice. “So why do you think you lasted and they didn’t?” He asked but only got silence back.

“Because you’re meant to be here. Because you’re open to growing into the man you have the potential to become. Coming here, it was a challenge to get better. You met that challenge and are still pushing forward. That’s how I know what you’ll achieve greatness. You never stop pushing.”

“You got your head so high in the clouds you’re goin to fly away.” I remarked, before turning over in my bed.

He let out a small laugh, knowing I didn’t mean it. “I love you too Riley.”

--

--

The next morning was rough. It really was hard to say goodbye to Eli. I know I’ll see him again, I know we can afford to fly him in whenever we want, but still, I just wish he lived here. I wish I could just see him whenever I wanted. He’s just on another level than anyone I’d ever met. He has a different kind of wisdom.

“Everything alright?” Carter asked as he noticed me sitting on the stage quietly.

“Just fine.” I lied, waiting for gym class to start.

“Sure about that?” He asked, but before he could say anything else Coach Murray blew his whistle.

“Not you.” He reminded me as I went to get to my feet.

“Man, how long?” I complained, throwing my head back.

“Not until you’re absolutely 100%.” He warned me. “I’m not letting you get hurt in gym class. If you want, you can join us for some light practice today.”

“Works for me.” I quickly nodded my head.

As gym class started to get underway I noticed Carter shooting me concerned looks. Sure, I’m upset Eli had to go, but I’ll be fine. I just need some time, and as much as I hate to be on the sidelines, well at least this gives me some space to think. Time to just observe everything around me, and figure out what my next move is. As I stared off into space the scoreboard buzzer randomly sounded causing everyone in the class to jump.

“Fuckin thing.” Coach mumbled as I felt my heart begin to race. “You guys pay how much money in tuition a year and they can’t get us a new one?” He complained, but as he looked over to me grew serious. “You alright Walker?” He quickly asked as I tried my hardest to stay on top of myself. “Walker!” He shouted a little louder, trying his hardest to snap me out of it.

Before I knew it I was forcing myself further back on the stage as an anxiety attack started to sound off in my head. I saw Carter jump up on stage but as he reached me began to fall into another world. Sweat started to coat my face as the gym turned into my childhood apartment. As the dark figure walked towards my mother I saw it freeze and turn towards me. I tried my hardest to scream but nothing came out.

Before anything else could happen I heard a familiar song start to sound off in my head. I finally started to relax as I recognized the beat as Kanye West’s voice filled the air. I closed my eyes and began to focus on every word of Jesus Walks. Carter’s done it, he’s learned how to snap me out of my episodes, and he’s using one of my favorite songs to do it.

When I finally reopened my eyes I was shocked to find Trey by my side instead of Carter. “You alright?” He asked, concern covering his face.

“Fine.” I lied, quickly taking the headphones out of my ears and forcing them in his hand.

“Alright!” Coach Murray boomed back towards the rest of the class. “Get back to basketball before you all run laps!”

As class slowly returned to normal I noticed Carter standing off to my side. “Everything okay?” Coach Murray asked before I could say anything.

“Yeah.” I nodded my head. “Just happens sometimes.”

He mimicked my nod but I could tell he was working over something in his head. “Do you need the nurse?”

“Just time.” I answered, as Trey slowly walked off the stage and rejoined gym.

“I’m sorry.” Carter forced out. “I-I, your mom said to use ice, and I just, I’m sorry.” He shook his head before climbing off the stage and quickly making his way towards the door.

“Carter!” I called out in a loud voice. “Carter!”

“Go ahead.” Coach Murray sighed with a wave of his hand.

I quickly grabbed my bag from the stage and ran out of the room, before seeing Carter slip into the bathroom. As I made my way in I hear some sniffles coming from one of the stalls.

“Carter?” I called out as I tried to push the door open. “Can we talk?” I asked but got nothing back. “I need you.” I confessed as finally the door began to open.

“Why?” He asked, trying his hardest to hide his tears. “I can’t help you.” He shook his head. “You needed Eli to come all the way from Michigan just to help you, and then, then when he leaves and you have an episode I can’t even help you! Trey had to do it for me!”

“Is that how you see it?” I let out in shock. “Who was there when I got my eye taken out? Who did I wake up to by my side? And who stayed with me all night?”

“That doesn’t matter.” Carter shook his head, not even looking up at me.

“What do you mean that don’t matter?” I asked, reaching out and forcing him to look at me. “That was one of the scariest moments in my life, and you was there with me for every second.”

“And what about everything else?” He let out as his tears began to fall faster.

“What about it?” I repeated, getting closer to him. “You think you let me down when David died? You was there with me for every second of it. You was the only person I let in. You stopped me from gettin any worse.” I tried to point out, but saw it still wasn’t connecting. “Sure I needed Eli, but that’s only cause I needed someone who wasn’t close to the situation, just like sometimes you need Aaron.” I explained. “It’s not anything against you or me, it’s just, sometimes we need someone else to set us straight.”

“Even if you’re right,” He began once more. “I still let you down just now.”

“You didn’t.” I rejected wiping his tears away. “My episodes, they’re scary. It took Nancy watchin a few for her to even figure out how to help. You still learnin, and I don’t blame you for one second.”

“Then how’d Trey know?” He asked, finally starting to calm down.

“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “But that don’t matter right now.” I said, taking my bag off my shoulder and reaching into it. “You don’t think you I need you?” I asked, but got nothing back. “I couldn’t survive without you.” I clarified, pulling out a black frame. “I made this for you last night, I wanted to save it for lunch, but I guess now is better than ever.”

“What is it?” He asked, slowly taking it from my hand.

“It’s the ticket from when you took me to my first Bulls game.” I explained as he finally looked at his present. “We had an extra frame lying around, and I, I want you to have it. I’ll never forget that game, it, it’s when I fell in love with you.”

“You mean that?” He asked, looking back up with water in his eyes.

“Every word.” I nodded as I pulled him in close. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, I don’t even know how to put it into words.” I shook my head. “All I can say is I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I love you so much Riley.” He exhaled, holding me close.

“I love you too.” I accepted before finally we pulled away. “Now let’s get back to gym, huh?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, taking a minute or two to clean himself back up.

“Oh, I also uh,” I began in a gulp. “I smoked weed a couple of times after I got back from rehab.”

“Riley.” Carter sighed, looking back at me.

“It was stupid, I know.” I confessed. “I just thought it would help my head.”

“Did it?” He asked with a serious look.

“Little bit.” I nodded my head. “But it was a band aid over a bullet wound. I ain’t a Saint no more. I don’t use drugs to solve my problems.”

“Alright then.” He accepted, not wanting to dig any deeper into it. We shared another moment before finally making our way back to class.

As I walked back to the stage I waved Trey over and let out a deep breath. “Thank you.” I forced out.

“Don’t mention it.” He dismissed, starting to wander back towards the class.

“No really.” I called out, freezing him in his tracks. “Not many people could do what you did.”

“It’s fine.” He forced a smile.

I nodded but felt my curiosity getting the better of me. “How’d you know how to do that?”

He fell quiet for a few seconds as he took a seat next to me on the stage. “My Dad has PTSD.” He suddenly forced out. “He was a marine and I don’t know, he just saw a lot of shit I guess.” He began to explain. “I heard you were in rehab for some stuff, but when you got back I started to piece it together.”

“That’s why you always watchin me so closely?” I asked, looking over to him.

“Yeah.” He confessed with a nod. “I could see some of the signs.”

“How come you didn’t say anythin?” I prodded as our eyes connected.

“You didn’t exactly give me much breathing room.” He replied with a sway of his head. “Besides, it wasn’t really my place to say.” We both fell quiet as we thought over the moment. “I really am sorry about how we started when we first met.”

“So am I.” I confessed in a nod.

“So we’re cool?” He asked in a quiet voice.

“Yeah.” I accepted. “Besides, you a Bulls fan and you got good taste in music. I don’t think I could hate you for long anyway.”

“You like Kanye?” He asked as the conversation began to lighten up.

“Do I like Ye?” I repeated with a shake of my head. “Is the sky blue?” I teased in a laugh.

So I guess Trey was hiding something from me. The way he observed me, and watched everything I did, it was just him trying to piece things together. Even if I don’t like that, well it wound up helping me when I needed it. That’s something I can’t hold against him. I just hope I can find peace like this with Owen, for both our sakes.