Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 44. Changing

| Riley |

There’s an odd feeling that overtakes me after therapy. Back at rehab they said it was normal. They said it’s good to reflect back on my past, but I wonder if they know what that means for me.

Eli once told me it’s a long hard road out of hell, and I’m trying my hardest to put in my time. I’m trying my hardest to be patient and change. But sometimes it feels like I’m just walking in circles.

“It’ll take time, you know that right?” Mom suddenly let out, as she noticed the mood I was in. “Everything won’t fix at once.”

“I know.” I forced out, as I stared out the passenger’s side window.

“Do you? Or are you just telling me what I want to hear?” She asked, glancing over at me then back to the road.

“I don’t know.” I shook my head.

She let out a sigh as she nodded her head. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I shrugged at first and went to fall back into my own head, but as her eyes found their way back to me I finally sat up. “Just feels like nothing has changed.”

“How so?” She dug with curious eyes.

“It’s the same old shi-stuff as last time I was home.” I began. “The only thing that’s different is now, now I’m shaky.”

“Shaky because of your PTSD?” She asked, but this time I didn’t reply. “I think you just need to give it a little more time. You are changing, you just don’t realize it yet.”

“How am I changin?” I groaned as my eyes returned back to the window.

“For one, you’re letting me in.” She quickly answered. “And on top of that I’ve heard you call Carter your boyfriend a good ten times since you’ve been home. I know you’re still not completely comfortable talking about it, but you’re a lot more open than I thought you’d be.”

I nodded but stayed quiet as I thought it over. “Changing isn’t easy Riley. It takes time and your body doesn’t want to do it.” She comforted. “But it’s worth the struggle. Everything you’re going through now. All the issues running through your head, it’s proof you’re trying. Stick with it, and I promise it’ll be worth it.”

“Thanks.” I forced out as I looked back to her. “I-I love you.”

“I’m so lucky to have you as a son.” She suddenly let out as our eyes connected. “Don’t for one second question that.”

“I won’t.” I accepted in a powerful breath.

Once more the car fell silent, as my mind worked over everything. It kicked it into overdrive as I thought over everything my mom had just said. I guess I am changing, but I don’t feel any happier. I don’t feel any freer. I feel just as chained up by my past now more than ever.

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The next day I fell right back into that quiet mood. I felt my mind monitoring everything I did. Trying it’s hardest to notice anything different about who I am now. Part of me wishes Eli could be here to talk, and I guess I could text him, but I don’t want him to become a crutch. Not when I have Carter to fall back on.

Even now at lunch, I can feel his eyes on me. He know something is up, but he’s scared to dig into it. He’s scared he’ll upset me. Maybe I’ve been too emotional lately. Maybe I’ve been to reactivity to everyone who’s just trying to help me.

As I glanced over to him and our eyes met I could tell he knew exactly what I needed. “You want to eat outside?” He offered as I nodded my head.

“Come on.” Aaron groaned. “You guys ate outside yesterday! Can’t you just hang out with us today?”

Carter shot him a look as he heard that question. “Is it me?” Trey asked, cautiously watching us. “I know we got off,”

“Don’t flatter yourself.” I interrupted.

“I’m being serious. I don’t want to come between,”

“It’s not you.” Carter answered for me. “Trust me, you would know.”

“Yeah, Riley would be making fun of you.” Noah smiled. “Bet he would go after your accent, right Riley?”

“Sure.” I muttered as I got my lunch together and stood up.

“Uhh.” Noah let out as he watched me. “You okay?”

“Are you really this oblivious?” Aaron asked, glancing over to him. “They just want to make out or something.” As I looked back to Aaron all I could do was shake my head. “Or not.”

“He’s your brother.” I heard Trey speak as Carter and I began to walk away. “Shouldn’t you know?”

“Riley’s not that simple.” Aaron complained. “I could follow him around all day and never know what he’s thinking.”

“Ignore them.” Carter instructed as we reached the door. “They’re stupid.”

“Yeah.” I grunted as we finally stepped out into the sunlight. I swear to god it should be a crime to keep us inside all day. That shit’s like torture.

“Did you just need fresh air?” He smiled noticing the slow deep breaths I was starting to take.

“Nah.” I shook my head. “That’s just a bonus.”

“So what’s going on?” He asked, as we took our normal seats on the wall.

“Don’t know.” I shrugged as he began to scoot closer.

“Was it your doctor yesterday?” He prodded, watching me closely.

“Don’t think that caused anything.” I explained. “But it got me thinkin, and I don’t know.”

“Hit me with it.” Carter provoked with a soft smile. “What are you thinking about?”

“Everything.” I shook my head. “Southside, Northside, biological family, adopted family, you, just, everything.”

“Where did this come from?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Guess I’ve been thinkin about it a lot, but Nancy said I’ve been changing and I don’t know man.”

“You don’t think you have?” Carter asked with a tilt of his head.

“I don’t know.” I repeated. “I really just don’t.”

“I think you are.” He suddenly weighed in. “I think you’ve come a long way since your time in the Saints.”

“How do you know that though?” I exhaled.

“Because you went to the Southside just to save Owen.” He began. “Then you brought back Tak, and knew enough to try and get yourself help. Then when you got back you asked to see Owen again, as if you owe him something.”

“I just want to see how he’s doin.” I grumbled.

“Exactly!” Carter supported. “That’s not something you would’ve done when you first got here!”

“Then how come I don’t feel different?” I suddenly exhaled as I stared off into the distance. “How come I’m not happier? How come I still get in trouble?”

“You don’t feel it because you’re still working on it.” Carter explained. “You’re still fighting Riley. And right now you’re tired from it, but you need to keep pushing.”

I nodded but let out another deep breath. “You don’t know what you’re fighting for, do you?” Carter asked a smile began on his face.

“I don’t know what that means.” I shook my head as excitement began to surge through him.

“You enjoy basketball so much because you’re a part of a team.” He provoked, as he finally cracked the case. “You know what you’re fighting for, and how to work with your teammates. But in life, you feel by yourself.” Carter explained. “You don’t know where to go or how to fight. But you’re not by yourself Riley.”

“I know.” I acknowledged, still not looking at him. “You keep saying it, and Aaron says it, and Nancy says it, but that doesn’t make it feel any more real.”

“I see.” Carter accepted as his smile grew. “Just leave it to me. I’ll make sure you feel like you’re part of our team.”

“Carter.” I groaned, worried about what I had just gotten myself into.

“Riley.” He smiled, contrasting my mood. “Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Because I think you’re beautiful.” I hid a blush as it began to spread across my face. “And for the love of god, stop fighting the change.”

“I ain’t fighting change.” I defended, finally caving and looking over to him.

“No?” He asked, smile going strong. “Then what’s your problem with Trey? And why did Aaron say you were acting strange last night? You’re fighting it, and that’s okay, because I know the good you will win out in the end.”

“And if it doesn’t?” I asked as our eyes connected.

“It will.” He confidently nodded. “So for now I’ll just buckle in and enjoy the last of your troublemaking.”

“I don’t think it’ll ever be fully gone.” I confessed in a sigh.

“Good.” He suddenly let out before planting a kiss on my cheek. “Because that’s what I love about you.”

I finally felt a smile cross my face as I heard those words. I don’t know how he does it, but he always finds a way to hear me out and find the answer.

“I should be a therapist if basketball doesn’t work out.” He decided as the lunch bell rang. “Especially if I’m going to be married to you.”

“Married?” I asked looking over to him. “Let’s pump the brakes.”

“Scared of commitment?” He teased as we both rose to our feet.

“Nah.” I shook my head. “Just gotta make sure you’re gonna make the NBA first.”

“Because your path is so certain?” He teased as he held the door for me.

“I’ma make it.” I nodded my head.

“And if you don’t?” Carter pressured as our eyes connected. “Sorry,” He quickly apologized before I could even think about it. “You shouldn’t worry about that yet.”

“It’s a good think I ain’t worried about it then.” I shrugged. “Cause I’m going to the NBA.”

Carter couldn’t help but laugh as we rejoined the group. “Someone looks happier.” Aaron teased, looking between the two of us.

“Yeah, if you squint you can kind of see a smile on Riley’s face.” Noah joined in.

“When you become such a smart ass?” I asked, looking over to him.

“I learned not to care about what other people thought of me.” He confidently nodded.

“He learned that from you.” Carter elbowed me. “I think we all did.”

“Well I didn’t.” Aaron stubbornly defended.

“Bruh, you didn’t even leave the house before I came along.” I groaned.

“How long ago did you get adopted?” Trey asked, but all I did was look to him then away.

“October.” Aaron explained. “On his birthday.”

“You needa learn to shut your mouth.” I groaned as our eyes locked. “Ready to go Carter?”

“Yup, but junior electives changed in January.” He smiled. “Guess you’ll have to find your way to 203 alone from now on.”

“I’m in 205.” Trey quickly offered.

“But you walked with me yesterday.” I protested, trying my hardest to ignore him.

“And I was late to class.” Carter giggled as he began to walk away. “Sorry Riley, I can’t do it two days in a row.”

I let out a long groan as I turned and began to walk the other way. “You really hate me, huh?” Trey asked as he tried to catch up.

“I don’t hate you.” I shook my head. “I just don’t know you.”

“Well you’re not exactly giving me a chance.” He shrugged. “I’m really not that bad.”

“You’re gunnin for my spot on the team.” I said, not bothering to look at him. “That’s all I need to know.”

“This again? What do you want me to say?” He sighed. “You want me to back off and be all buddy-buddy? Why can’t we just be friendly competition?

“Cause I don’t know you like that.” I quickly answered.

“You have a magical way of making conversations go in circles, you know that right?” He teased but once more I refused to bite. “Alright, what will it take? We’re clearly going to be around each other a lot from now on.”

“How do you figure that?” I rolled my eyes.

“Simple.” He started once more. “I’m friends with your whole group. Including your brother and boyfriend. Then on top of that we, again, play the same position for the same team. We’re going to be running drills together and studying the same plays.”

“Doesn’t mean we gotta be friends.”

“No, but it would make it run so much smoother.” He insisted. “I’m not saying we have to be close or anything like that. I’m just saying if we could at least be friendly it would make our lives easier.”

“So you the voice of reason now?” I asked, not believing a word of it.

“I’m usually the voice of reason.” He confidently held himself. “You don’t know me as much as I don’t know you.”

“Then believe me when I say you don’t wanna get involved with me.” I warned him, finally looking over with a serious look.

“Why not?” He provoked. “All of my friends clearly love you.”

“Fine.” I grunted. “You wanna be all friendly? Then tell coach you’re fine with me starting on Saturday. Tell him you get it, and that you won’t bring it up again until you play better than me.”

“Which will be after the game on Saturday.” He teased with a smile. “Oh come on!” He called out as I began walking once more. “I was just kidding!”

“I got that.” I nodded my head. “I just don’t think you’re funny.”

“Harsh.” He exhaled with a shrug. “But I’ll break through to you. Just wait.”

“That’ll be a cold day in hell.” I shook my head as I reached my classroom.

“Or a very warm day in heaven.” He shot back walking past me to his own room.

I rolled my eyes and finally entered into class. I don’t know what the hell that kid wants. Maybe he realized that we’re gonna have to play nice with one another, or maybe he’s got something up his sleeve. Either way I just don’t have time to think about him. There’s too much other important shit going on in my life. Worst comes to worst I’m sure I can handle him, just like I handle everything else.

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As practice rolled back around I found him playing nice all over again. He followed through on our agreement and told coach he’d back off for now, but made it clear he’s still going after my spot. I mean, he’s not bad, and I’m sure he’ll be a good defensive guard to keep the leads I build. But he’s not taking my spot. I’ve worked way too damn hard for that to happen.

That practice I emptied my mind and left it all on the court. Maybe Carter’s right. Maybe I just don’t know what to fight for in my life, but like he said, that doesn’t matter when I’m on the court. When I’m out here, I know exactly what to do, and how to do it.

“Walker’s cooking now!” One of the assistant coaches yelped as I began to run the scrimmage.

“Watch it.” Coach Murray warned as I began to show off verse Trey. “Hurt him again and we’re going to have issues.”

“He’s not going to hurt me again.” Trey defended in frustration.

“Just your ego.” I remarked as I sent a ball through his legs and to a wide open Carter who sank his shot.

“He gets in your head!” Coach Murray shouted from the sidelines. “Don’t let him in!”

Trey nodded but it was clear he was struggling with his confidence. As he tried to bring the ball back up Carter connected eyes with me and came up with another unspoken play. Before Trey knew it I had poked the ball from him. He went to reach back for it but Carter was already in a full sprint. He ripped it out of the air and just like that was on a fast break the other way.

The second Carter made his layup he turned back and started pointing at me. “I like that one.” He announced.

“Told you it would work.” I smirked. “You get that good jump on it, and we out.”

“Can we please put them on separate teams?” Cam complained as he and Trey began to get fed up. “How are we supposed to learn anything when they just control the game?”

“They’ve been stopped before, and they’ll be stopped again.” Coach dismissed. “If you can’t learn to stop them yourselves maybe you shouldn’t be on this team.”

“But shouldn’t me and Carter practice playing together for when you have to rest Riley?” Trey complained. “Or shouldn’t me and Riley get a few looks together in case you decide to rest Carter?”

“Man you gonna bitch the whole time or actually play?” I groaned, eager to just get the scrimmage started again.

“Just for that, Carter switch with Trey.” Coach decided as he glanced over to me. “I will make you get along with everyone if I have to Walker.”

“Fine.” I grumbled, stepping up to Carter.

“Check.” He offered with a smirk.

“Check.” I nodded as we passed the ball between us.

The second Carter got the ball back he was off. “Switch.” Trey offered, watching as I tried my hardest to keep up. “Switch!” He insisted, as Carter rolled around me and found an open look.

Trey managed to get a hand in his face, but just like all the other time’s Carter swished it. “You bring it up, and I’ll defend Carter.” Trey sighed as he grabbed the ball.

“Man, why you callin the shots?” I grumbled as he tossed me the ball.

“Do you have a better plan?” He asked as he began to jog next to me. “You control offense, I’ll control defense.”

“Fine.” I grunted as Carter met me at the line. “You playin me close?” I asked, but just like always Carter refused to talk back.

I faked a move to give myself some room and quickly passed to Trey. I made a break to the net and just like that Trey hit me in motion. From there I fed Curtis a quick pass, who threw it right into the net.

“Good ball movement!” One of the assistant coaches shouted as the game began to heat up.

Pretty soon it felt like David and Goliath as Trey and I battled up against Carter, okay, maybe I’m being a little dramatic. But when Carter gets hot, he gets hot. He makes any shot he wants, whenever he wants, from wherever he wants. It just takes a spark to get him going, and unfortunately for us, well I lit that spark pretty damn good today!

“You just had to switch up the teams.” I complained as sweat dripped from my face.

“Are you going to bitch, or actually play?” Trey forced out through heavy breaths, repeating what I had said to get us into this mess.

“Proud of that?” I asked as we slowly brought the ball up the court.

“Kind of.” He shrugged as I threw the ball back to him. “Just didn’t know I was going to be able to use it so fast.”

“Are you two going to talk the whole time or play?” Coach Murray boomed from the sidelines.

“Play.” I nodded. “Next bucket wins!” I shouted, as Carter rolled his eyes, finally reacting to something I was saying during play.

Before I could even react Carter tipped the ball from Trey’s hand and was gone. I gave it everything I had to try and catch up to him, but as I finally reached him he was going up and laying it against the backboard and in.

“Game.” He proudly swayed his head as he rested against the wall. I went to say something but before I could he opened his mouth back up. “Laps.” He swirled his finger, as he pushed himself from the wall and onto his feet.

“Woh,” Cam began from down the court.

“You heard him.” Coach Murray supported. “Take some laps.”

I let out a long groan but kept up with Carter as he began to run. Talk about needing to fight in my life, I need to fight just to keep up with him! But he’s what keeps me going. He stabilizes me when I’m falling apart, and pushes me forward when I don’t know what way to go. I’m just scared to find out what surprise he has planned! Please make it small Carter, for my sake!