Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 29. Shellshock

I happily sat there on the couch, still listening to my new grandfather elaborate on his lifetime. Every now and again he would add a crazy detail, or exaggeration, but I honestly didn’t mind…he was rough, forged from poverty…just like me, except he was smart, and well spoken…he had everything under control…the way I want to.

At some point Aaron had ran upstairs to study, while the other adults went to the kitchen to clean up “Hey, do you ever get nightmares from the stuff you saw?” I poked in a quiet voice “like get kept up or anythin?”

“I used to” he let out, clearly tired by all his story telling “Why do you ask?” I gently shrugged, but didn’t respond “Well I used to dream in flashbacks…I feel like I’ve revisited battles a million times. That I’ve reseen old friends die over and over.”

“How did you get it to stop?” I prodded, trying to get a better understanding.

He let out a deep sigh and looked at me “I had to go to a doctor for a few years, in my day we called it shell shock, but today it’s called…I forget what it’s called, but that doesn’t matter.” He waved off. He took a closer look into my eyes, seemingly reading what was on my mind “You know exactly what I’m talking about don’t you?”

“Nah” I lied, but he kept his eyes on me, forcing more and more pressure “A little bit…it’s jus, I don know, I see stuff I used to do…and I don know why the fuck I acted like that! It’s like I don even recognize that person.”

“You my young grandson have shell shock.” He decided with a node of his head “Hey Walt!”

“No! No!” I insisted “We don need to tell him! He and Ma coddle me too much! They’ll like put a night light in my room or some dumb shit!”

He locked eyes with me, keeping the same focus as before “Sometime we need to be coddled” he let out “Let’s tell your father, he’ll understand…men like us, we’ve seen too much shit to do it on our own.”

I reluctantly nodded as he once again called out to my dad “Yes Dad?” Walter asked, wandering back into the living room.

“Well your son was just talking to me about his nightmares, and I think he has shellshock.” The old man explained, determined to get his point across.

“Shellshock?” Walter repeated, trying to figure out what he meant “Do you mean PTSD?”

“That’s what they call it now!” he exclaimed, finally hearing the word he couldn’t recall “Yes…PTSD!”

Walter exhaled a deep sigh and looked from his father to me “Is that what the whole nightmare business is about?” I shrugged my shoulders, once more refusing to speak “Dad…”

“Don’t Dad me!” Grandpa Frank interrupted “You’re raising a proud son; he’s never going to straight up ask you for help…you and Nancy need to be more on top of it!” he reprimanded “If he’s seems off you have to intervene!”

“No” I quickly refused “It’s cool, really!”

Walter ignored my words and turned back towards his Dad “And how would we help him with it?”

“He needs to see a doctor.” Grandpa Frank instructed in confidence “It’s the only way.”

“Let me get this straight…” Walter exhaled “You, Frank James are telling me to take my son to a doctor? The same man who, when I was 11 years old, told me to shake off a broken arm?”

“Well you needed to toughen up” Grandpa Frank reasoned “Cy needs to soften up”

Walter shook his head, but I could tell he agreed with what his father was saying “Look, we can take you to the Doctor as soon as possible if you’d really like, but we can also wait until the summer when you have a more open schedule.”

“That’s okay with me.” I nodded, fully willing to push it off “I’ll be fully alright till then.”

Grandpa let a deep exhale out, not satisfied with the results but accepted it anyway “You kids are so fragile now a day! What do you have? School and basketball? Do you even work a job?”

“Well starting next week, he’ll have school, basketball and a speech tutor.” Walter informed, quickly turning into the kitchen before I could start yelling.

“What?!” I yelped back at him “What you mean a speech tutor? I don need that! I don need anyone tellin me how to talk.”

“Yes you do!” Grandpa Frank laughed, watching my anger begin to ride out.

Grandma Lucy walked into the living room to see what all the commotion was about, and couldn’t help but laugh as she looked from her husband to me “Frank, he’s just like you were when you were a kid.”

“Except I was tougher!” Grandpa Frank warned with the shake of his finger

Once more Grandma Lucy laughed and took a long look at me “Same passion and fire, same anger, and same drive to prove how masculine you are…you two were meant to be grandfather and grandson.”

Believe it or not, I actually started to radiate pride as I heard her words…I had never actually looked up to someone before. I mean I followed people’s footsteps before, but it was never willingly. Yet tonight I met someone I want to be like when I grow up…someone I can chase after. He only stayed for a few more minutes, but I still loved every second of it. After he left Nancy and Walter shot me interested looks, but never brought it up out of fear they would scare me off.

The next few days I couldn’t help but think of Grandpa and everything he taught me. Respect for him wasn’t the way we use Respek on the streets…his respect is for life, it’s for people and living…while repsek is for money…for power.

“You ready?” Carter smiled; as I climbed into a more humble car I had never seen him drive before. Carter had told me he was planning on taking another car…but I didn’t exactly expect a typical ass car like this one!

“Nope” I exhaled, a little nervous about actually meeting his mother.

Carter softly laughed and thought it over “I’m not ready either.”

“Can’t we jus run away together?” I grumbled, looking into his light hazel eyes.

“You just got here.” He giggled.

I shrugged my shoulders and caught his smile “Yeah but you parents hate me.”

“Neither of them hate you, plus my mom hasn’t even met you yet.” He exhaled, finally pulling out of the long driveway “You just have a very known history, ex-gang member or not, that’s not helpful.”

“Guess not” I sighed, as my smile faded.

“Aaron said you and your grandpa really clicked.” He encouraged, trying to cheer me on “Just channel some of that.”

“That was differen, me and grandpa are similar.” I explained “He’s from the streets too…jus like 80 years earlier.”

“So you two really did connect?” Carter pushed, hearing that I actually got close with someone other than him.

“Yeah” I nodded “We spoke all nigh, he even stood up for me agains Nancy’s parents. I wanna be like him some day.

Carter let out a long groan, and jokingly shook his head “I heard he’s a handful…I put up with crazy 16 year old Riley…there’s no way I’m putting up with crazy 96 year old Riley.”

“We be lucky if I even got that much time on this earth.” I cynically let out “With all I drank, smoke…fucked aroun…my body must have taken some sort of damage.”

“Don’t be overdramatic” He teased, taking a comment that would’ve seriously upset him a few weeks ago for stride.

We goofed around for most of the ride, but as we approached the Southside Carter could tell I was starting to get tense “We can always get her to meet us in the city if you want.”

“Nah” I shook off “I gotta come back at some point…and we already came all dis way.”

“Alright” he supported in a sigh “What are you going to do in a few months when we play down here?”

“Woh, we play down here?” I poked, as my nerves only began to shake more.

“Yup” he nodded, watching me closely “Are you okay with that?”

“Yeah” I nodded “It won’t even be a problem” I lied, doing my best to play it cool. If the Saints hear I’m on the team…if they hear I’ll be playing in the hood…I don’t even want to think about what could happen. Carter left the subject be, knowing that there were more important matters to deal with at the moment.

“Okay” he exhaled pulling into a small cracked driveway “Are you ready?”

I peered over and shrugged my shoulders “Let’s do dis.”

“Let’s do dis” he repeated, trying to copy my broken English in an effort to relax me.

The second I stepped out of the car, and felt the dirty Southside air hit me, I immediately threw me head down, and kept my eye out of sight. I ran my hand over a big bandage I had put over my tattoo to make sure it was still there and let out a deep breath. I’ll be okay. Carter lightly rubbed the middle of my back as he walked by, and lead me up the stairs onto the porch. My heart seemed to kick into overdrive as he banged on the white cracked door. I’ve broken into houses like this a million times…hell maybe even this house, and I’ve never been this nervous…this…this is new territory for me.

“Carter!” A small older women exclaimed as she opened the door. She quickly embraced him, but the second she let him go her eyes went right to me. At first I saw nothing but fear, but as she got to my face I saw her try and fight it off…try and give me a chance…she’s the first person to do that since Nancy and Walter…not even Carter gave me that look.

“Mom, this is Riley.” Carter smiled, giving me a quick pat on the back.

She took in a breath and looked me over one more time “It’s nice to meet you Riley, I’m Kathy.”

I nodded but couldn’t get out any words, finally after a few seconds of silence Carter pulled me into the small house. As we walked through I couldn’t help but get flashbacks of my past…it’s just all too familiar…all too real. “You alright?” Carter gently whispered, seeing me start to get spacey

“yeah, I’m good” I mumbled, taking a seat at a small beaten down kitchen table…just like the one we had at my apartment growing up. I saw the woman cautiously look me over again “I know I got a negative wrap roun here.” I exhaled, addressing the tension quickly building “I ain’t proud of it, and I ain’t that kid anymore.”

She gently nodded her head “I’m sorry…just for the longest time you didn’t even seem real to me.” She let out, still observing me “You were like a story people made up to exaggerate gangs.”

“Mom, maybe we…”

“Nah, its cool.” I interrupted “So you been aroun here since my start?”

“Yes…” she nodded thinking back on it “I moved to the Southside maybe about 5 or 6 years ago, but I didn’t actually start hearing stories about you until like 3 or 4 years ago.”

“That’s bout when I officially became a Saint” I exhaled, reflecting on it “You heard it all, huh?”

“Oh yeah” She let out “I always used to wonder what you were like, if you were okay…it sounds weird now that I’m meeting you…but at the time I just couldn’t help it. A story of a boy around Carter’s age alone, fending for himself on the streets…I always wondered if you were warm, if you had enough to eat…if you were safe.” She exhaled, as her expression changed from caution to interest “Like I told Carter last time he was here; one night I even think I saw you running from rooftop to rooftop…it was like I was seeing Spiderman.”

“You wasn scared?” I poked, looking at her in disbelief.

“I mean a little, but after a while of living out here you get desensitized to it anyway. I mean I can’t even leave my house after it gets dark.” She shrugged “Don’t get me wrong. If you would’ve told me a year ago you would be sitting in my kitchen, I would terribly scared…but that was a year ago…and this is now.”

“Yup, so can we please stop talking about then?” Carter exhaled, uneasy about the topic.

I nudged him with my elbow and smiled “Why you feelin left out?”

“That’s exactly it” he smiled “I wish I got to know you back then.” I couldn’t help but laugh as our eyes connected “I would have ripped your sorry butt off those rooftops you love so much, and have brought you to the Northside.”

“That’s if you coulda caught me” I teased “I was slippery back then”

“Oh please, whenever our eyes meet you always freeze up” he teased “I would’ve had you stunned from the start…the police should’ve hired me to catch you.”

I shrugged my shoulders, guilty of his accusation “You wouldn survive out here.”

“No he wouldn’t” Kathy supported “Which is why he shouldn’t even be on this side of town.”

“He ignant” I nodded “He better watch himself out here. You get in. You get out. And you don stay here past sundown…if you do you spend the night.”

“Wait, what am I?” he giggled, poking fun at my English.

“Ignant” I confidently let out once again, fully aware I was saying it wrong.

“Ignorant” he correct, staring into my eyes.

“Ignant” I repeated, as our staring contest intensified.

He shook his head and smiled “Riley, what does ignorant mean?”

“Mean’s shut up is what it means.” I laughed, finally breaking off from our stare “Was he always like dis?”

“Oh yeah” Kathy laughed, looking over at her son “Always smart mouthed, but still so sweet and kind.”

“Not many people like dat” I sighed, looking at him.

He shrugged his shoulders and uncomfortably shifted in his seat as the attention settled on him “Maybe you just haven’t met them yet.”

“Maybe not…but they ain’t aroun here…I can tell you that much.” I instructed, watching him closely.

“Maybe you just weren’t hanging out with the right people.” He offered with a confident smile.

“See, ignant” I called out in a laugh

“That’s not what ignorant means! Mom!” Carter sighed, trying to direct the attention off of him “You were a teacher at one point, please, fix his English.”

“I don’t see a problem with it.” She teased, keeping on her son “Maybe you speak wrong, and he speaks right.”

“Yeah maybe you jus bein ignant.” I teased, with a small smile.

“Oh my god, how are you two getting along?” he groaned, throwing his head back “You just met, and you’re already teaming up on me?!”

“Cause we both southside.” I nodded, turning back towards his mom “Do you like livin out here?”

“Nope” she honestly exhaled “But it’s where I need to be…it’s where I can make the biggest impact.”

“So then why not live outside it, and drive in?” I poked, starting to examine how a person like her thinks. I mean she was concerned for me when I was a kid…I’ve never heard that before.

“Because then I can’t relate to the people in it. I can’t relate to being woken up by gun shots…or being scared to leave your house.” She elaborated, with the same exact mind set of her son “I wanted to know what it was like here, and now that I know…well I feel like I need to stand my ground. If I move out this will just become another gang hangout…I’d prefer it didn’t.”

“I never heard of anyone who wants to be in the Southside…” I let out observing her “You really think the people here can be helped?”

“I’d never know if I didn’t try.” She exhaled with a smile “And I’d say you’re good proof that they can.”

I felt Carter’s hand slowly reach over and begin to intertwine with mine “You were someone I would hate back then.” I confessed, still looking into her eyes.

“What about now?” She poked, keeping her gentle smile. Now I see where Carter gets his soft eyes, rosy face and smile…he certainly has his father’s build, but his face is all his mother.

“Makes me nervous” I confessed “I know dis is what Carter’s gonna be like.”

“Well do me a favor and keep him in line then.” She softly laughed “I’ll tell you a little secret…”

“Mom…” Carter complained, shifting from me to her.

“He’s a big sweet heart…” she continued anyway “If you hold your ground on something long enough he’ll back down.”

“I haven seen that yet, jus him bein stubborn.” I smiled “He be so foolish sometimes.”

“Like when?” He pressured, giving be a stern look.

“Literally Thursday durin lunch, when I wanted to eat outside…”

“It was cold!” He laughed in disbelief

“No it wasn!” I insisted “You been livin in Chicago how long? How you gonna say 70 degrees is col?”

“It wasn’t just 70, it was windy, and about to rain!”

“Foolish” I shook with a smile.

“What about you? Mr. Hide Aaron’s food all lunch.” He began, trying to gain leverage.

“I don care what you say, that was funny.” I giggled, thinking back on it “an don’t exaggerate, I told him where it is with like 10 minutes left, that’s enough time to eat.”

“If you’re a zoo animal!” he yelped in laughter.

I shrugged my shoulders as my smile grew “Wouldn have happened if we ate outside.”

“That’s because you hid it outside!” he giggled, as we both started to buck shoulders.

“Well the plan was that he’d go out, and be like oh it’s not dat col, let’s eat out here…” I began in laughter.

“Yeah and what happened?” Carter smiled, starting to look to his mom.

“It started rainin” I exhaled “I don care, dat was funny.”

“Oh yeah? Did your parents think it was funny?” Carter provoked, still bumping me with his body.

“They was more focused on they parents comin…they didn even pay attention to his snitchin.” I proudly smiled “Tol you I never get caught.”

“You must drive Nancy and Walter up the wall.” Kathy laughed, watching me and her son flirtashisly goof around

“They say I keep em young” I shrugged, finally grabbing onto Carter so he’d stop “They say they knew what they was getting into, but I don think so.”

“That’s because you don’t even try to behave.” Carter laughed, as I squeezed him tightly.

“What real trouble do I get in?” I asked, giving him a serious look. He went to talk but before he could I covered his mouth “besides punchin Owen in his smug face.”

“Not much I guess…but you still annoy them!” he let out finally breaking free of me “Aaron said you start fights almost every night.”

“Man watchu listenin to him for?” I shook “He makes everythin bigger than it needs to be…and why he always vent to you?”

“Because that’s what best friends do!” he teased, beginning to gently tap my foot with his “Well he’s stopped since last weekend. I don’t think venting to your brother’s boyfriend about your brother really translates all that well.”

“You guys told Aaron?” Kathy asked in surprise.”

“Something like that” Carter bashfully shrugged, not wanting to elaborate on how he really found out.

“How’d he take it?” She poked looking at both of us.

“Good, it’s Aaron, when has he ever hated any….” Just then a thunderous boom cracked through the sky, sending Carter flying into the air out of fear.

I took a deep breath, and exhaled it feeling the following shoots boom in my chest as though I was the one firing the gun…all this time away, and my insticts are still to go into war mode “You good?” I poked looking over at him.

“What the hell was that?” he shook, looking from his mom to me.

“Turf war” I exhaled “Saint’s jus did a drive by.”

“What?” Kathy nervously asked, I could tell she had heard gun fights before…but hearing that the Saints did a drive by while I was in the house…well…that’s something completely different “How do you know…”

“Dats the gun’s they use.” I groaned “Most gangs use rifles or pistols, but saints only use shotguns on em, biggest spread for the most damage…they comin into this area…you gotta move before they get here.”

“No, come on, I already said...” she began trying to stay light.

“I’m serious…” I interrupted in a concerned voice “These other gangs let resident be…well for the most part…but the saints…they’ll break into this place within they first month here…it’s for your safety…you gotta move.”

“Mom…” Carter let out still shaking. As he spoke I reluctantly reached out and let him lay into me…I still hate PDA, but right now…it’s not PDA…it’s needed “Riley knows exactly what he’s talking about…please, please, please listen!”

“I…” she began, letting her son’s pleas hit her “Why would they be different than the other gangs?”

“Cause that’s jus how they roll.” I shrugged “They don have the publicity of the Bloods, the Cripps or the Kings…so they gotta make theyselves known…you see kids romin aroun here?”

“Well every now and again some of the neighborhood kids…”

“Dats who they’ll go to first.” I exhaled looking behind me at the street “Recruit the kids with money and guns…get em to try and shoot someone, then show no remorse when they die.”

“Is that how it started for you?” She poked, looking deep into my eyes.

I shook my head and thought back on it “They sent an offer but I refused…” I slowly blinked my left eye, thinking back on the night I stumbled into their hangout “Then one night some shit happened…and I went to dem…guess it was meant to be.”

“Don’t talk like that!” Carter interrupted, as his shaking only grew worse “Can we please…I just don’t want to talk about this right now…Mom, move” he let out, looking over at her “For me.”

I slowly ran my hand up and down his back as he slowly calmed down. We spent the rest of the afternoon pretending the drive by didn’t happen, but for Carter I could tell it was all too real…I could tell that to him these have all just been stories…but now…now he knows what it can be like down here.

As we got ready to go, he ran out to get the car started…just in case the saints were still roaming around…it was better to have a quick getaway if they noticed me.

“Riley…” Kathy began as I nervously watched her son hastily get his car started “Stay with him a little longer tonight. It’s not healthy for him to get into these moods…he can be such a worrier.” She sighed.

I slowly nodded my head and turned to her “Please move…for his sake, for your own sake…you don wanna see the Saints go to war roun here.”

“Riley, it’s not that simple, I can’t just…”

I reluctant grasped the bottom of my shirt and pulled it up “This is what they’d do to you…and that’s jus if you lucky…a white rich lookin lady in the hood…they ain’t gonna take kindly to you.” I saw shock enter her face as she got a look at my scars, before she could look for too long I let my shirt fall. I haven’t even let Nancy see my scars…but I know Kathy wouldn’t move if she hadn’t seen them…it was something I had to do for Carter.

“They did that to you?” she poked, looking at me in concern.

“Yeah” I exhaled “And that was just the start…move.”

She slowly nodded her head, finally understanding “You know you’re not your scars right?”

“Yeah” I let out again.

“I’m not going to lie to you…when Carter first said he was dating you, well I stayed up all night with worry…but after meeting you, after seeing you goof around with him…well you’re still full of trouble” she reached out placing a gentle hand on my face “But the good kind…the kind a kid like Carter needs to remember how to be a kid…and I have a feeling he has things characteristics you need…”

“Like how to be a good person” I honestly let out, looking up at her.

“I think that was always in you…maybe you just needed him to remind you it was there.” She smiled, letting her hand fall from my face “I was wrong…I didn’t see you jumping rooftops all those months ago…I saw Cy running those rooftops.”

I smiled, and started to walk to the door before the moment could get too mushy “Kathy, move” I let out standing in the door way “Or I’ll come back and move you myself.”

I heard her begin to laugh as I left the house and quickly made my way to the car, seeing one of the tail lights blown out by the shots of the drive by…so that’s how close they were…that’s how much danger we were in, and this is what it feels like to be on the other side of things…this is the fear I inflicted on families…this is the chaos I’ve created…I’ve created.