Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 16. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I grew up dreaming of the type of girl I would chase…I know, surprising isn’t it? But we all have dreams, we all want someone to fall back on. Yet even in those dreams, even when I tried to construct the perfect girl…none of them were ever what Carter is, and that’s not because he doesn’t have boobs! He just has so much fight…so much soul. I could go on forever about him but be speechless at the same time, I’ve never known anything like this…never seen anything like this.

“What’s that Cy?” Nancy asked doing her best to clean me and Aaron’s room.

“Me and Carter are goin out with some of the team tonight, I think I need to wear somethin nice.” I repeated trying to speak over the vacuum.

She clicked off the small machine and looked me up and down “Well why didn’t you just say that! Aaron has tons of stuff you can borrow!” She excitedly began “I should really take you shopping one of these days. You’re in desperate need of a wardrobe.”

I let out a long groan instantly regretting going to her for help “I don need anythin too big, just to look nice.”

“Okay well what did you have in mind?” Nancy poked pulling open some of the drawers “Aaron! Your brother is borrowing some clothes for tonight!”

“I don know, does he have any like yeezy, or adidas or levi stuff? I poked trying to remember how I used to see people dress when they went out.

She shook her head and thought about it “Have you seen what Aaron wears?” she laughed to herself “You want to dress like one of those rap stars don’t you?” I shrugged my shoulder knowing she was starting to understand my style “I think I have something for you.” She yanked out a plain black shirt, before running over to the closet and pulling out a thin leather jacket “Don’t ask me why, but he had to have this last year! All that money and he’s only worn it once!”

“That work’s” I let up, relieved to have something decent to wear.

As I stood up she took another look at me and shook her head “No actually...” She began opening another drawer “Let’s switch out that black shirt for a white one, and you can wear dark jeans with that…”

“It’s fine Nancy.” I interrupted realizing the can of worms I had just opened on myself.

“If you go out wearing black on black on black you’re going to look more like Justin Bieber than a rapper, is that what you want?” She provoked learning how to speak my language.

“No” I sighed, letting her throw together whatever she wanted. At one point she even dragged me and Aaron out to go get new shoes! I could act annoyed all I wanted, act fed up and frustrated…but no one’s ever invested this much time into making sure I look nice…actually no one’s ever invested this much time into me at all!

When we were finally done I stood wearing my now usual glasses, a white shirt, the black jacket, dark jeans and black adidas high tops that felt like ice-skates. I’ve never put this much effort in dressing in my whole life, usually I just wore what I could take from stores, but now with Nancy dressing me…I look good…I feel good.

My heart began to skip beats as I heard the familiar growl of the Maserati outside the house. “Wait Cy!” Nancy called out as I reached out for the door “Take this with you.” She instructed handing me a hundred dollar bill and her phone.

“Oh I…”

“No it’s okay.” She interrupted “We need to get you your own phone anyway! And don’t even worry about the money, just go out and have a good time!”

“I…you sure?” I poked blown away by everything I had just been given.

She confidently nodded her head before turning me around “Go! Go!” she pushed “but if you crack my phone there will be hell to pay!”

“Okay…ugh…thanks.” I forced out as I threw everything into my pocket and opened the door. I took a quick look back, unsure about how I should be acting, but the second I heard the car window roll down my attention snapped right to Carter.

“Look at you!” he called out as I shut the door behind me “Someone got prettied up.” I slowly began to stare him down as I climbed into the passenger seat “Man I didn’t know I was going on a date with Eminem!” I shook my head and reopened the passenger door but Carter quickly grabbed my arm to stop me from leaving “Okay! Okay! I’m done! You…you look nice.”

I looked over at him and took in the small details. He let out a shy smile as he shifted in his seat. He was dressed preppy as usual but something was different…more sharp. “You look good too.” I forced out in a low groan.

“Did it hurt you to say that?” he giggled as I finally shut the door.

“Yeah.” I teased with a half-smile growing on my face.

“Trust me, it’ll become more natural.” He supported “It’ll just take time for you to get comfortable.”

“Don’t…” I began with a sigh “Look I’m not gay.”

He shrugged his shoulders and threw the car into gear “I’m not saying you are, just saying going on dates with guys, it’ll get easier.”

“Be quiet.” I dismissed staring out the window “This ain’t a date, and you’re the only guy I’ll ever do something like this with.”

“Then we’re just hanging out?” he provoked with a mischievous smile.

“That’s exactly what we’re doing.” I nodded still not looking at him “Jus friends havin a good night.”

“Just friends?” he repeated in a suspicious tone.

“Yeah friends that are jus extra friendly.” I added “It’s not hard to get.”

“Okay friend.” He instigated glancing over at me.

I looked over for a second and our eyes locked, sending shivers down my spine “Don’t make this weird.”

“I’m just on a date with my boyfriend, nothing weird about it.” He teased in a laugh “Oh wait no, I’m hanging out with my friend.”

“I hate you so much.” I let out, biting down hard on my lip.

“Oh don’t be such a baby!” he giggled “I’m the only one who knows.”

“Better say that way.” I grunted trying to at least intimidate him.

A few minutes of silence passed while Carter attempted to get his grips on where he was going…it was clear he had a specific place in mind…a specific event planned. Before I knew it the small suburbs gave way to the skyscrapers of the city.

“Carter man…I don know if…”

“We’re staying on the Northside it’s fine.” He giggled understanding what I was going to say.

Before I knew it big buildings and stadiums I had never seen before came into view “Bruh, is that Wrigley?”

“Have you never seen it before?” he laughed looking over at my amazement.

“Never” I repeated staring at the huge building “Wait are we near the united center?”

“No!” he laughed “That’s more south! Have you never been on this side of the city?”

“Nope.” I let out still looking around. What a difference a few miles make…from slums and rundown buildings to big rich skyscrapers and luxury stores…shit ain’t right.

“Wait.” Carter looked over interrupting my train of thought “You’ve never seen the united center?”

“That’s what I said.” I exhaled not bothering to look over.

He slowly pieced it together as he pulled into a nearby parking lot “That means you’ve never been to a bulls game!”

“Why would you think I have?” I groaned as we both stepped out of the car “Only games I ever went to were white sox, and that’s cause it was close and we could sneak in.”

“But they’re like all you talk about!” he exclaimed still surprised at the small confession.

Our eyes connected once again except this time I looked away as soon as I could “Don’t remind me.”

“Well…maybe we could go to a game soon…I mean if you’d like that.” He shyly let out, already planning our second date.

“I would.” I smiled knowing there’s no one else I would rather go to a game with “Let’s jus do tonight first.”

“Okay” he nodded leading me out of the lot and to a big restaurant just across the street from Lake Michigan “So I was thinking we could eat, then go sit by the water for a bit…if that’s…”

“It’s perfect.” I supported relieved that he wasn’t trying to take me to some big play or opera.

As we walked in I felt all eyes fall on me. My tattoo was covered up by the jacket, but it was clear that my eye was still not welcome here…that it was still drawing a lot of unwanted attention. I let out a small groan and followed Carter as we were led to our table.

“Ignore them.” Carter smiled with confidence “You’re here for me, not them.” I silently nodded and looked over the menu “Order anything you want, my treat.”

“I’m payin.” I quickly offered forcing eye contact with him.

“No you’re not.” Carter laughed with the shake of his head “I forced you to come on this date, so I’m the one paying for it.”

“No but…”

“Riley…” he raised an eyebrow and forced a stare down “I’m paying.”

“You so bossy.” I sighed looking back to the menu “It’s always Riley do this or Riley do that.”

“You need it!” he giggled “Besides you totally like that I’m the one in charge!”

“No I don’t.” I lied starting to blush.

His smile grew wider as he noticed the pink beginning to form on my face “It turns you on, it’s cool we all have our things.”

“Why you gotta go and ruin my appetite now?” I exhaled trying to regain control “Besides you’re the older one, that’s why I let you have control.”

“By what? A few months?” he poked tilting his head slightly

“My birthdays October 5^th.” I shrugged “ I’ll be 16.”

“That’s in 2 weeks!” he exclaimed with excitement “Great! Now I have to start planning!”

“I jus met you like 2 weeks ago!” I defended not knowing what to say.

“And we’re already on a date? Man you’re loose!” he teased flashing me a big smile “I’ll be 17 in 2 months…ew you’re only 15?”

“Watcha mean ew?” I giggled looking at him in disbelief “You were jus 15!”

“But I never planned on dating a 15 year old! That sounds so young!” he teased in a light tone “No wonder you’re so immature.”

“Man you’re more immature than me!” I shrugged “You keep makin all the sex jokes…” before I could finish what I was saying Carter let out a smug grin and laughed “What?” I groaned worried about what I had stepped into.

“You just let me get away with saying dating.” He informed with pride “You’re getting comfortable with it already!”

“Man I jus didn’t hear you! Don’t be stupid!” I protected, trying to cling to my beliefs.

“Sure.” He teased sarcastically “We really need to find you a vocabulary class or speech or something. I don’t know if I could go the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t fully end his words.” He decided, changing the subject.

“Now you sound like Nancy.” I sighed finally deciding on what I wanted to eat.

He lightly laughed to himself and gently looked to me “You and her are getting close aren’t you?” I uncomfortable shifted in my seat, not knowing how to answer him “Sorry…” he quickly apologized “I didn’t mean to put on the spot, I was just…”

“It’s fine” I interrupted with a deep breath “I jus haven’t had someone like her in my life before, but yeah we’re cool. She spent the whole day helpin me get dressed.”

“I can tell.” He teased “So where does she think you are?”

“Tol her you and me were goin out with the team.” I nodded letting Carter in on my plan.

“You have to be careful around Aaron, he can be pretty clueless, but if he knows we’re hanging out alone often…well it’s only a matter of time before he puts it together.”

“Fuck him.” I dismissed with the click of my tongue. Carter shot me a concerned look as he tried to figure out if I was joking or not “Chill” I laughed “He was just bein a pain in the ass at the shoe store today.”

“Ahhh brotherly love” he joked finally cracking the case.

“Yeah it’s cool.” I admitted thinking about Aaron “You got any siblings?”

Carter got quiet and carefully thought over his answer. I cautiously looked into his eyes and saw I had hit a disguised topic “No” he lied forcing a smile…his mask probably would’ve tricked most people…but I’m not most people. I dialed in my focus and tried to figure out what was happening but before I could really think about it Carter waived over the waiter and started ordering.

The rest of dinner was…well…amazing. Carter just had a certain energy about him, he could always make me smile…he just knew the right buttons to push and when to push them. He’s the only person I’ve ever gotten this excited around...the only person I let talk to me the way he does.

“Hmmm” he observed as we started to cross the street towards the small empty beach “Usually you start to get quiet by now”

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled “I guess I jus feel like talkin today.”

“Good, because I like talking to you.” He comforted taking a seat in the sand. I joined him in the dark, facing the huge dark water. Before I knew it Carter shifted over and rested his head on my shoulder, at first I went to shake him off but took a deep breath and let him get comfortable. “I know this is hard for you...but thank you.”

I glanced over at him and watched as he ran his far hand through the sand “What?”

“It’s just, I know this goes against the way you were raised…” he clarified thinking about his statement “so …it’s…thank you for giving this a chance.”

“I’m glad I did.” I confessed starting to get comfortable in the moment “I didn know this could happen, I didn think I could ever get anythin close to this.”

“Welp you have it.” He teased giving himself a boost of confidence “You know…I’ve never trusted anyone like this. I know it sounds stupid, but I haven’t.” he began “Don’t get me wrong, me and your brother, well he’s like my brother too…but I’ve never given someone the power you have.”

“What?” I poked not fully understanding.

“You could completely shatter my heart, you could leave me crushed…and it’s still just the beginning” he explained fully expressing what was on his mine “but I trust you…I know no matter where this goes…you’ll never intentionally hurt me. I can see it on your face, you’ll…”

I quickly shrugged his head off me and put space between us “Take me home” I let out.

“What? But I…”

“Take me home.” I repeated in a stricter voice.

“Riley..why? But…look I’m sorry if…”

“Take me home!” I shouted looking over at him “I’m not who you think…I…you’re gonna get hurt around me.”

He shook his head trying to get a grasp on the situation “I know you’re scared of yourself but…”

“I ain’t scared of myself.” I corrected with a serious voice “I know who I am…but you don’t.”

“That’s crazy!” he fought trying to get closer “I know…”

“No you don’t!” I insisted restoring the space between us “Aaron tol me…look he warned me if you learned who I used to be…you would never talk to me again.” I breathed fighting emotion “You deserve better than that!”

“I know who you used to be…you were in a gang, and…and you were a high rank or whatever.” He stuttered as his own emotions started to beat him “and you stole a lot of things…I get it…but…”

“I was so much more than that.” I interrupted looking down at the sand in front of me “I wish all I did was steal, I wish I could tell you I wasn’t a violent person…but I am…”

“No, you’re not!” he stubbornly insisted “Look I’ve heard some of the rumors from around…I know you had some store keepers terrified that you would break into their stores, but that doesn’t make you violent. You did what you had to!”

“Was sealin drugs what I had to?” I argued “Or…or sellin prostitutes, or beatin women for tryin to get out of prostitution, or stabbing people for threatening to call the police or all the times I shot my gun at other gang members…I…just cause I can say that I don’t think I killed anyone…it doesn mean I’m not violent.” I looked over at the dark figure next to me “I hurt a lot of people Carter…I ruined a lot of lives…I earned every evil nickname they gave me…I can’t even step into certain parts of the Southside without people running from me, that’s how violent I was.”

“But that’s not you anymore!” he shouted, even though I couldn’t see his face I could tell by the shaking in his voice that tears were starting to fall “All that violence…it’s taken enough from me! I’m not letting it take you too!”

“What?” I let out not understanding what he was saying.

“I…” he breathed trying to calm himself “I used to have an older sister…she was a lot older than me but, but she was my idol.” He let out voice shaking more and more “I used to do everything with her…she was always smiling and laughing, always seeing the good in people…always.” He emphasized through his tears “One day she went out to the city with some friends and met some guy from the Southside. They started hanging out more and more, me and my mom thought she had found her other half…hell maybe she did.” He exhaled letting all his emotions out in the form of words “But one day they went for a walk, just a walk” he repeated as though he was trying to understand the story himself “just minding their own business…and they got jumped by some local gang members. They…she never came back.” He finished “I still don’t know why they did it.”

I let the story hit me as I stared out at the water. Memories flooded my brain as I thought about everything I had done…about all the older brother or sisters I had hurt…all the lives I had left in my wake “Even more of a reason why I can’t be around you.” I decided shaking my head “the same thing will jus happen to you.”

“It won’t!” he argued whipping the water from his face “Because you’re not in that life anymore! You’re here…you’re getting adopted…you have a second chance! I want to be a part of that second change!” he demanded starting to rebuild confidence “I’m not scared, I won’t let what happened determine who I care about. I…you messed up, and you hurt people, but god damnit I know you! I know you’re capable of so much good.”

“But what if that was my gang…” I shuttered with pure honesty “What if they were people I used to roll with.”

“Then at least I saved one person from winding up like them.” He decided trying to get me to look at him “I miss my sister so much…but I don’t hate the people who took her from me…I feel bad for them. I feel bad that they’re consumed with so much anger and hate that they feel like that’s how they have to live…but you. It’s not how you’ll live, it’s not how I’ll let you live. I don’t care about your past; you’re stuck with me you got that?”

I shook my head as the truth of his words rang through me. “Yeah.” I nodded “I got it.” I reached over and welcomed him back to my side “How you forgive so easily? Aren’t you angry?”

“I was” he exhaled resting his head back on my shoulder “but then my mom, she separated from my dad and moved to the Southside. She learned about life there, and she taught me about it…I don’t know why they attacked my sister that night, but I know they’re victims too. Hate won’t help them, but if I reach out, if I send them hope, send them love…that might.” There was a certain strength that filled his words…one that sent shivers down my spine “My dad shifted from being a lawyer to going into politics, he’s hell bent on tearing down gangs, but he’ll never beat them…not with the way he fights. That’s why he and my mom don’t get along anymore…why he doesn’t let me see her.”

“You got a car, you’re old enough.” I supported looking over at him “That’s your mom…you’re lucky enough to have a good one…go see her when you want, not when he wants.”

He slowly nodded his head, finally calm “So you get it then?”

“No.” I confessed “I have no idea how you could be so nice, but I trust you, and now I know why you act the way you do, why you have so much strength…so much soul.”

“And now I know you.” He sighed “So it’s all out there from both of us. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”

“Yeah.” I exhaled looking at him “you still like me?”

“More than when tonight started…you still like me?” he poked repeating the question.

I shrugged a little and took a deep breath “I do…there’s only room in our group for one southsider though, and I got that spot claimed.” I lightly teased trying to break the tension.

“I’m not a real southsider.” He shrugged “My mom just…”

“You are.” I interrupted “Just because you weren’t born there doesn’t mean you’re not a part of it, it’s contagious like that.”

“You just want me to be.” He softly laughed looking up at me.

I swayed my head from side to side and smiled “just a little bit.”

A comforting silence took over as the wind picked up. So now I know, and now he knows…more importantly we survived it. I guess no matter what happens we’ll have each others’s backs. He’s not scared of where I’ve been, and for the first time in my life…well I finally let someone see me for everything I am. I finally trust someone…I finally have a friend…a boyfriend.