Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 55. I Believe

| Riley |

I used to think my mind was one of my biggest threats. When I used to climb, it would make me doubt myself. I would look at the edge of the roof and it’d tell me I’ll fall. Well I never once fell. I never even came close to slipping. Yet it warned me, every. single. time. Then I quit climbing all together. Sure, I scaled a few trees or buildings when I first got here, but once I stopped my mind didn’t know what to do.

Then it started warning me about everything else. It didn’t matter how little or how big the threat was, my mind was all over it. All the way up to warning me about things that didn’t even exist. Rehab helped me learn to cope with it, but coping and living are two different thing. Eli helped me realize that, and with his help, I think I’m ready to start living.

“You alright?” Eli asked as he noticed me starting to zone out.

“Just fine.” I dismissed, looking back up at the T.V.

“What were you thinking about?” He pried with curious eyes.

“Nothin.” I shook my head, but as his eyes stayed on me I exhaled a deep breath. “You ever wonder what life would be like if our mind didn’t fight us on everythin we do?”

“Sometimes.” Eli admitted, pausing the game we were playing. “But then I think about what would happen if my pain was gone. It seems nice at first, but over time I’d lose touch of what was important to me. I’d forget how much Jamie meant to me. I’d forget why I have to stay on this path I’ve set for myself. It sucks, but our fight, it helps us figure out who we are.”

“How you just got the answers to everythin?” I exhaled, looking back to the T.V. and waiting for him to resume the game.

“I just think a lot.” He shrugged. “I have no idea if what I say is right or not, but why not share it? Besides, I think you’ve got a lot of answers yourself, you’re just too scared to share them.”

“Am not.” I lied, refusing to look back to him.

He let out a short laugh before finally unpausing the T.V. “One day you’ll start sharing, and when you do, well, I think people will thank you.”

I let his words bounce around my head as I tried my hardest to focus on the game we were playing. Maybe I do have answers in my head, but people don’t wanna hear them. People don’t want to hear what I have to say. I’m just a kid from the streets who got lucky.

--

--

As the day kept moving on Carter finally made his way over. He promised I hadn’t missed anything at practice, but I could tell he missed having me there. To tell the truth, I miss it more than anyone can imagine. The hardest part of this whole process has been not being able to play my way through it. My biological father’s death, the mental state that came with it, it all would’ve been so much easier if I had basketball around. But at least now I know I can survive without it. It wasn’t pretty, and it took some back up. But I think I’m finally making my way out of that funk.

“Would you stop cheatin!” I shouted looking over to Eli.

“I’m not cheating!” Eli shot back. “If you don’t like how the game is run, take it up with whoever makes it.”

“You not supposed to be able to make half court shots that easy! It’s a glitch you’re abusin!” I argued as Carter rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be a sore loser.” Carter weighed in.

“I ain’t bein a sore loser, I just,”

“He does this every time we play NBA.” Carter complained, looking over to Eli.

“That doesn’t surprise me.” Eli shook his head. “Back in Michigan he would rage so hard at Call of Duty they almost took it away.”

“It’s a dumb game.” I shook my head. “That ain’t my fault.”

“It’s not dumb, you just suck at it.” Eli shrugged.

“I suck at it?” I asked, trying my hardest not to sound mad. “You so much worse than me!”

“Because I barely play video games!” Eli defended. “And at least I have fun with them, you just get angrier and angrier.”

“That’s him with most things.” Carter weighed in as he scrolled through his phone.

“Man shut up!” I let out, before quickly looking over to him. “Sorry, I didn mean that.”

“You better not have.” Carter shook his head, unphased by my words.

Eli let out another laugh as he watched the situation unfold. “He’s so desensitized by you.”

“What?” I asked, looking back to him.

“I’m used to your shit.” Carter sighed, rephrasing it so I could understand.

“Bingo!” Eli happily yelped. “I could never put up with it.”

“You ain’t all that great either.” I warned as our eyes connected. “Almost always smilin and yellin. No wonder you and that kid Aiden get along so well! You both annoyin!”

“But tell me how you really feel.” Eli teased, keeping a smile on his face.

“Hey boys,” Dad called out as he finally got home from another long day of work. “how was your day at Lake Michigan Eli?”

“Interesting.” Eli quickly answered. “Thank you for setting it up.”

“No problem.” Dad shook his head. “You’re free to visit again whenever you’d like.”

“I’ll have to take you up on that.” Eli smiled as Dad walked back out of the game room and towards the kitchen. “Go ahead.” Eli waived towards me.

“What?” I asked, shooting him a confused look.

“Don’t you have to talk to him?” He pressured with a serious look.

“Bout my dream last night?” I dug as he nodded his head. “Nah, I don’t gotta do that. It was just a dream.”

“A dream about something you’re anxious over.” Eli shrugged. “A conversation can’t hurt you.”

“What are you worried about?” Carter quickly jumped in.

“Now look what you did.” I complained as I stood up. “It was nothin.”

“He doesn’t feel safe.” Eli explained drawing a groan from me.

“I’mma stop tellin you stuff.” I warned, looking back at the both of them.

“He deserves to know.” Eli unapologetically responded, giving me a light push forward.

“I’m goin, I’m goin.” I dismissed as I slowly made my way out of the room and towards the kitchen.

“What’s up?” Dad asked as he noticed me approaching. “You guys getting hungry?”

“Little bit.” I swayed my head, taking the seat across from him. “I think we gotta talk.”

“About?” He asked as concern began to drip into his face.

“Just, stuff.” I delayed as I thought over my next few words. “You realize you got two ex-gang members in your house right?” I forced out.

“I don’t necessarily like to think of you and Tak like that, but sure.” He nodded his head. “Why?”

“Just, if some people knew that, it could draw some unwanted attention.” I explained, trying my hardest to work around the topic.

“Oh.” He exhaled, starting to catch onto my words. “Well, we have the best security system money could buy. Plus, ever since you ran away we added motion alarms to every door or window. No one gets in or out without us knowing about it. Even when it’s off it rings when you open something.”

“That’s what that is?” I asked, recalling the new high pitched beeping that sounded whenever a door or window opened.

“Yup.” He proudly answered. “We’re basically a fort. We even have cameras outside the house. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Oh, good.” I nodded my head, but I could tell he still saw worry in my eyes.

“That doesn’t help you very much, does it?” He asked, but I stayed quiet. “Riley, I hate to think about it, but you were once one of the best thieves in the Southside. What do we need to add to stop someone from breaking in?”

“Dogs.” I quickly answered without thinking. “You hear a dog bark and you approach a place completely different.”

“Done!” He excitedly shouted.

“Just like that?” I asked, slightly moving back in my chair.

“I’ve wanted dogs since before we adopted Aaron,” He began. “but Nancy always said they were too much work.”

“And now you finally got a reason?” I asked as he quickly nodded his head.

“What kind of dogs were you thinking?” He asked, more invested in the idea than me. It’s funny, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this excited over anything. I know Nancy wears the pants in this house, but if he wanted a dog so bad, he should’ve just got one!

“Pit-bull?” I offered, starting to buy into the idea myself.

“A little bit more, family friendly.” He cautioned as I though it over once more.

“Rottweiler?” I suggested but he shook his head once more.

“Not that I don’t trust those dogs, but we have to be able to sell Nancy on it.” He explained. “What about a pair of German Shepherds?”

“Done.” I quickly nodded my head.

“Alright,” He said, throwing on a strict dad voice. “but if this is going to work, you have to take care of one of the dogs. One will be yours to walk, bath, feed and train. The other will be the families that Nancy, Me, Aaron and Tak take care of.”

“Deal.” I excitedly agreed. “When we gonna get them?”

“Tomorrow if you want.” He offered, just as excited as me. “Nancy’s going to hate it, but if it gives you peace of mind.”

“It will.” I nodded my head once more.

“Then there you have it.” He laughed as I rose back to my feet.

“Thank you,” I forced out as our eyes met. “you, you’ve been killin it lately.”

“Good to hear.” He smiled, but motioned for me to hold on. “Do you still think you need to go back to Michigan?”

I felt my eyes drop to my feet as I thought about it for a few seconds. “No.” I rejected, looking back up at him. “Eli helped a lot.”

“I’m glad,” He let his smile grow. “and Riley.” He called out, freezing me once more. “When Eli leaves, well, I, you don’t need him to confide in. I-I’ll always be here to talk.”

“Thank you.” I accepted before thinking over my next few words carefully. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I, it’s just,”

“You want to know why I’m being more approachable than before you left?” He guessed, hitting the nail on the head.

“Yeah.” I forced out.

He took in a deep breath and locked eyes with me. “When my father passed it made me realize a lot. Not the least of which was that we’re only here for so long.” He tried to explain. “When I first found out I wished I could have one more day with him back. One more trip to a Cubs game, just like we used to do when I was a kid.” He paused, to stay on top of his emotions. “Then I remembered I have kids of my own. That I could spend the rest of my life wishing for more time with my father, or be the type of father that my kids want to spend time with.” He finished up, refusing to break eye contact.

“I know it’s not the same,” I gulped. “but if it means somethin to you, maybe we could got to a Bulls game one day.”

“I’d like that.” He nodded as a smile began on his face.

We both stayed quiet for a few seconds until finally I made my way back to the game room. I used to think Nancy was easily my favorite parent, but it’s starting to look like she’s got serious competition! Unlike her, Dad doesn’t expect me to snap into line. He gives me some breathing room, and lets me express myself how I want to.

As I went to walk back into the game room I couldn’t help but listen in on Carter and Eli’s conversation.

“I don’t think I get what you’re trying to say.” I heard Carter exhale.

“It’s just, people like Riley, they chase some crazy idea. It’s like they don’t realize their own mortality.” Eli tried his hardest to explain.

“So what’s Riley’s crazy idea?” Carter asked, a little skeptical of Eli’s lesson.

“You would know that better than me.” Eli replied in a serious voice. “They try and become Gods in their own head, not realizing they’ll have to confront the devil along the way.”

“So Riley wants to be God?” Carter prodded as Eli began to lose him.

“Not actually God, but some type of perfect human that can take care of everyone he loves.” Eli answered. “Trust me on this, I had. It’s that. Jamie was more like him than I’m comfortable with.” He finally broke through. “None of it is a bad thing, but he’s going to need you every step of the way.”

“What do you mean?” Carter let out, finally starting to buy into Eli’s warning.

“When I was dating Jamie I convinced myself I wasn’t strong enough to stop him. I convinced myself that he had everything covered.” Eli began. “I don’t blame myself for what happened, but now I know I could’ve stopped it if I had the confidence.” He sighed.

The room fell quiet as they both thought it over. “I don’t know where Riley’s road is headed, but I know he’s going to run into plenty of devils on the way.” Eli warned. “He can beat them, but he’s going to need you by his side through it all.”

“And you’re telling me this because?”

“Because looking back it’s something I wish someone would’ve told me.” He said in a cold voice. “People like Riley, they’re rare, but if they survive long enough they can change the world. I think he met you for a reason.” Eli said, starting to put strength in his voice. “I think you two are meant for one another.”

“So do I.” Carter agreed as they both fell quiet once more.

I really don’t know what Eli’s going on about. Sure, I can be cocky, but I don’t want to be a God, do I? Besides, I’m not what he thinks I am. I’m not smart enough to change the world. I can barely change myself.

“How’d it go?” Carter asked, quickly changing the topic as he saw me enter the room.

“We’re getting dogs.” I proudly answered, drawing a surprised look from him.

“What kind?” He cautiously let out.

“German Shepherds.” I said as I took my seat between them.

“Those are big dogs.” Eli shook his head.

“Yeah, can’t you get something, cute?” Carter poked in a laugh.

“Kinda defeats the purpose of getting them.” I dismissed. “Besides, they ain’t that big.”

“Well if you don’t train them well you’re going to have to get used to coming to my house.” Carter warned in a serious voice.

“Carter Williams, are you scared of dogs?” I couldn’t help but tease.

“I’m not scared, it’s just, they’re animals.” He shrugged. “You don’t know what they’ll do.”

“Oh no, watch out Eli, the dogs are goin to eat us.” I cackled as Carter shook his head.

“Don’t drag me into this.” Eli backed off.

“Let him keep talking.” Carter warned, forcing eye contact. “He’s just digging a deeper hole for himself.”

“I’m so scared.” I sarcastically dismissed, finally getting a laugh from Eli.

“You should be.” Carter said as I let myself fall onto him.

Eli’s smile seemed to grow as he glanced over and saw me resting on Carter. I know he’s said he’s done dating, but I hope he finds a way to get over it. I know Jamie’s death left a big hole in his heart, but he’s a romantic at heart. I can just tell. Besides, if something ever happened to me I’d want Carter to move on. I’d want him to be happy.

--

--

As the night wound down and it was finally time for Carter to leave I found myself walking him to his car once again.

“Think you’ll be able to practice this week?” Carter asked, looking for any excuse to stay for a few minutes longer.

“I think so.” I forced a nod. “Coach is just bein overprotective right now.”

“Weird.” Carter smiled. “Guess you are his favorite.”

“Nah, that’s you.” I shook my head.

Carter delayed for a few seconds as he took a long look at my left eye. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how hot that eye patch makes you.” I rolled my eye and started to back up towards the door. “I’m serious.” He offered. “It’s a good look.”

“Sure it is.” I exhaled.

Without warning he slowly moved his hand up to the covered area. I went to move back, but caught myself and let him explore it. Without warning he pulled it up slightly and took a look at what sat underneath.

“You really are beautiful.” He suddenly let out.

“You a freak.” I shook my head before lowering the patch once more.

“Just a little bit.” He teased with a laugh.

I took a deep breath before taking a deep look into his eyes. “Why were you jealous of Eli?” I forced out.

“Why were you jealous of Trey?” He quickly shot back.

“I don’t know.” I said, finally being honest about the situation. “I know I trust you, it’s just, if you cheated on me it would destroy me.”

“Same here.” He slowly nodded his head. “But I think that’s normal. I think there are going to be moments where we’re jealous or worried, as long as we bring it up, we’ll be just fine.”

“So you’re not worried?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“No.” He shook his head. “Are you?”

“No.” I exhaled feeling some of my anxieties beginning to fade. As he took a step towards his car I couldn’t help but move closer to him. “So you gonna be my keeper from now on?” I suddenly asked, surprising even myself.

“Where’d you get that idea?” Carter asked, taking another long look at me.

“I heard you and Eli talkin before.” I confessed, unable to keep it from him.

“Oh.” He let out. “Do you need a keeper?”

“No.” I rejected, but saw disbelief in his eyes.

“Is that my future?” He pressured with a serious look on his face. “Are you going to wind up putting me in the same situation as Eli?”

“No.” I quickly dismissed. “He was just talkin nonsense again. He does that from time to time.”

“It wasn’t nonsense.” Carter quietly defended. “What he was saying, it’s true. You’re going to change this world one day. I just don’t want you to burn out before you get there.”

“I’m not gonna change the world.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m just a kid from the Southside.”

“So was our last president.” Carter offered but let out a laugh as he thought about what he had just said. “Okay, maybe you won’t be president, but you’re going to change lives for the better, I promise you will.”

“Sure I will.” I played along.

“We all believe in you. I promised I would show you that, and I think I know how I’ll do it.” He explained with a devious smile growing.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” I muttered, backing up closer to the door.

“Then I’ll show you it.” He nodded, taking a few steps forward and landing a kiss on my lips. “Besides, you’ve already changed my life, and if keeping you in check is what I have to do to repay you, then I will.”

“That’s one messed up deal.” I teased, trying my hardest to calm his worries.

“Yup, but it’s mine.” He smiled, finally walking to the other side of the car.

As he went to climb in I felt my heart begin to race. “Carter,” I began once more. “I meant it when I said I wanted to see Owen again.”

“Alright.” He sighed, trying his hardest to hide his surprise. “I’ll text him and let you know.”

“Good.” I nodded my head. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” He smiled, finally getting into the driver’s seat.

If I’m going to change anything, I have to keep making peace with my past. I know the incident with my dad was rough, but at least now I have answers. Now I know the James are my real family, and no one could ever replace them.