Things it took me 50+ years to learn

[Conner]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

the same night.

 

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race

has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word

would be "meetings."

 

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never

want you to share yours with them.

 

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

(This one is very important.)

 

7. Never lick a steak knife.

 

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

 

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling

reason why we observe daylight savings time.

 

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests

that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging

from her at that moment.

 

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

 

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,

gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep

inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

 

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice

person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

 

14. Your friends love you anyway.

 

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur

built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

[Benji]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

the same night.

 

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race

has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word

would be "meetings."

 

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never

want you to share yours with them.

 

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

(This one is very important.)

 

7. Never lick a steak knife.

 

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

 

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling

reason why we observe daylight savings time.

 

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests

that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging

from her at that moment.

 

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

 

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,

gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep

inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

 

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice

person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

 

14. Your friends love you anyway.

 

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur

built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 

 

.......Being over 50, I can truely appreciate this...LOL

[BeaStKid]

Insightful....Thanks Conner...Now I know these things without even touching 20!!!

[Razor]

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice

person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

 

 

 

This one is very true. Don't worry though. As mere waiters, we get our revenge. All those stories about people spitting in your food (or worse)... yeah, just don't be mean to the waiter and you don't have to worry. If you do happen to be mean... don't eat.

 

The manager isn't always looking, and we WILL get vengeance.

[Krista]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative

the same night.

 

I'm still laughing about this...

 

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests

that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging

from her at that moment.

 

So true.

 

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

 

Tell this one to my Mother. :wacko:

 

 

Anyway!! Thanks for this Conner it was hilarious.

[Ieshwar]

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

 

Ah! This makes me sad. I so love celebrating my birthday!

 

Ieshwar

[clumber]

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

 

Not entirely true... people seem to make sure they go out of their way to humiliate you as much as possible on your 18th...

Edited August 9, 2007 by clumber

[Marty]

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

Not entirely true... people seem to make sure they go out of their way to humiliate you as much as possible on your 18th...

Hmmmm....

 

Could someone please tell all my friends, family, and work colleagues that?

 

I've got my sixtieth coming up shortly, and everyone seems to look upon it as an excuse for parties, nights out and celebrations.

 

Looks like I'll be drunk for at least a month!

 

 

Marty

[Irony]

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests

that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging

from her at that moment.

 

I learnt that the hard way.

 

(To my step mother, after not seeing her for several months)

 

"Hey, Elaine, you look- Oh my God, WOW, YOU'RE PREGNANT! CONGRATULATIONS"

"I'm not pregnant."

"...did I mention I love you?"

[Ieshwar]

This was great, Irony!

[Conner]

I learnt that the hard way.

 

(To my step mother, after not seeing her for several months)

 

"Hey, Elaine, you look- Oh my God, WOW, YOU'RE PREGNANT! CONGRATULATIONS"

"I'm not pregnant."

"...did I mention I love you?"

 

[AFriendlyFace]

This one is very true. Don't worry though. As mere waiters, we get our revenge. All those stories about people spitting in your food (or worse)... yeah, just don't be mean to the waiter and you don't have to worry. If you do happen to be mean... don't eat.

 

The manager isn't always looking, and we WILL get vengeance.

I didn't know you'd become a waiter, Jamie!

 

I learnt that the hard way.

 

(To my step mother, after not seeing her for several months)

 

"Hey, Elaine, you look- Oh my God, WOW, YOU'RE PREGNANT! CONGRATULATIONS"

"I'm not pregnant."

"...did I mention I love you?"

 

 

I enjoyed those, Conner, thanks!

[eliotmoore]

The looks will not come back, ever, honestly, pish! I'm passing 50 and "stud" is only something holding up my bedroom wall and there are more nails in that stud than my bed... not time to shoot yourself, but gosh, it is time to worry about rust!

[sungod]

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to

make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

 

When you get to be my age, birthdays become very important. Critical, in fact!

 

sungod

[EMoe57]

When you get to be my age, birthdays become very important. Critical, in fact!

 

sungod

Birthdays are always better than the alternative! :king:

[Bob D.]

Birthdays are always better than the alternative! :king:

 

You mean like an anniversery? My grandmother's 10th, she died 10 years ago today. Celebrate the birthdays you have, you never know when you'll run out, kinda like sperm!

 

Bob

[ixyam]

never soap your feet first when you take a shower (bath is ok if you are sitting down)