I'll See You in Hell

[Menzoberranzen]

I'll See You in Hell

My parents step out of the front door

I watch from the curtain 'til I'm sure they're gone

With silent resignation,

I go about my final task

I take a shower; the water scalding my loathsome frame

I shave my legs and underarms

I step out, and put curlers in my newly blond hair

And I style the curls into a Marilyn Monroe up-do

With my hair glamorous and classic

I daub white powder onto my face

I open the bright red lipstick

And roll it slowly over my full lips

Long lashes and light rouge;

My face is complete

I leave the bathroom

And walk to my parents' forbidden room

I pull out a black lacy Chanel dress

And slide the luxurious fabric over my undeserving body

Reveling in the feel of the silk;

I slowly roll on my mother's fishnet stockings

Next comes the jewelry

Mikimoto pearls

[Benji]

I'll See You in Hell

 

I watch from the curtain 'til I'm sure they're gone

With silent resignation,

I go about my final task

 

I take a shower; the water scalding my loathsome frame

I shave my legs and underarms

I step out, and put curlers in my newly blond hair

And I style the curls into a Marilyn Monroe up-do

 

With my hair glamorous and classic

I daub white powder onto my face

I open the bright red lipstick

And roll it slowly over my full lips

 

Long lashes and light rouge;

My face is complete

I leave the bathroom

And walk to my parents' forbidden room

 

I pull out a black lacy Chanel dress

And slide the luxurious fabric over my undeserving body

Reveling in the feel of the silk;

I slowly roll on my mother's fishnet stockings

 

Next comes the jewelry

Mikimoto pearls

My parents step out of the front door

[Menzoberranzen]

It's not about me personally, by the way.

[Benji]

It's not about me personally, by the way.

 

What a relief!!

[Trebs]

VERY powerful and well written... I'd say more - but still taking it all in...

[Ieshwar]

Powerful. Intense.

 

And me? Speechless!

 

Ieshwr

[Bardeara]

Wow... nicely done.

 

I find it interesting that you start off with the parents leaving, but only mention a personal note for the father. Does this mean that nothing was needed to be said for the other parent or is one of the other names the parent. I doubt it, but still... it got me wondering.

 

Well done.

[Menzoberranzen]

Wow... nicely done.

 

I find it interesting that you start off with the parents leaving, but only mention a personal note for the father. Does this mean that nothing was needed to be said for the other parent or is one of the other names the parent. I doubt it, but still... it got me wondering.

 

Well done.

 

Like I said, this isn't about me personally, and in most cases like this (not all, but most) as well as with my own personal experience, the father is usually the problem. That was my reason for only mentioning the father specifically.

 

Thanks to all of you guys for the positive reviews! I usually write about stuff that's happened to me personally, so this was a bit different in that regard, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 

Menzo

[Camy]

It's not about me personally, by the way.

Glad to hear it. That's ... very powerful.

 

Kudos.

 

Camy

[Conner]

Suicide, in my mind at least, is a most challenging topic to write about, whether it be poetry or prose. You took on the that challenge brilliantly. The rage that this boy feels towards family and loved ones comes across with incredible strength and unequivocal clarity. I felt like the poem was trying to convince me that revenge was the boy's sole motive in commiting suicide. In juxtaposition to that, however, the poem invited me to experience the boy's pain, his self-loathing, and the abysmal sadness within him.

 

The imagery the poem portrayed was superb. In fact, I found the imagery to be the consummate attribute of this work. This was no more true than for the boy's 'preparations'. My favourite was the shower....

 

the water scalding my loathsome frame

 

There are many others, but I'd rather not quote half the poem.

 

On the downside, there was little use of metaphor. There was only one that I found...

 

Decked out like an Old-Hollywood starlet

 

A very effective one, though. I would have loved more.

 

The only other criticism I have is one that has more to do with my personal preferences around poetry. I found it overly narrative...some parts seemed more like prose than poetry. I would be most interested in your views on this observation.

 

Overall, a very enjoyable experience. Bien fait.

 

Conner

[Menzoberranzen]

On the downside, there was little use of metaphor. There was only one that I found...

 

The only other criticism I have is one that has more to do with my personal preferences around poetry. I found it overly narrative...some parts seemed more like prose than poetry. I would be most interested in your views on this observation.

 

Overall, a very enjoyable experience. Bien fait.

 

Conner

 

The line you quoted was a similie, not a metaphor

 

I actually love metaphors, but in a poem like this, I didn't want to take away from the gritty details by being overly flowery and grandiose in my language.

 

As to your second criticism, I HATE STRUCTURED VERSE plain and simple. It restricts the author in what and how they can write. Free verse is a gray area, though, and I can see why you would find it prose-like; most, if not all, of my poetry is.

 

Anyway, thanks for the comments, I'm glad you liked it.

 

Menzo

 

PS I don't know if you read my summer anthology entry, but it deals with suicide as well.

[Jason Rimbaud]

Menzo,

 

I've been waiting for a while to reply to this piece. Mostly because I wanted to read it over a few times and get comfortable with the piece before offering a reply.

 

I love narrative verse, it does give the author more room to maneuver and construct a story without tying them down to a rhyme scheme. And in this, you wrote a very powerful piece, if not a bit dramatic. I'll get to the reason in a moment.

 

Sexual identity crisis is a powerful reason to commit suicide and constructing a piece of this nature was bordering brilliant. I loved the premise. But the reason I think it's a bit too dramatic

 

The point of the piece is the ending, the suicide. You offer a list of reason why the character would decide on this course of action. The letter you wrote captivated me, it was so angry and spiteful, filled with revenge, and such sadness that it affected the rest of my day the first time I read it. But reading it from the start, I felt you gave away the ending too soon by saying things like,

 

"I GO ABOUT MY FINAL TASK" and by "THE TEAR STAINED PARCHMENT THAT CONTAINS MY FINAL WORDS"

 

When I read it the third time, I changed these two lines to read something else, hinting at pain but not coming out and saying the intent, and it seemed to be a better read. Like a story, the conflict is the body of the piece, but the resolution should be something that shocks the reader. And by saying the character was going to kill himself so early, you lessened the impact of the final lines.

 

So I re-arranged the order of the piece and found it to make more of a dramatic effect when you make the opening more ambiguous and wait until the last moment to spring the suicide. In the version that I saw in my head, at first you would think the character is leaving a house that doesn't accept him, running away in fact. Keeping the final intent hidden until the last possible moment, the drama is heightened and the reader begins to feel sympathy for the character, and then you kill the character, and bam, the reader is shocked and taken to a different emotion then they had first anticipated.

 

Of course, this is only my opinion and we all know about opinions and such. Reading back over this reply, I'm not sure if I made myself clear or if I offend you by mentally changing your work. But I really like this piece, it's powerful and quite sad. Very good job. Thanks for sharing this, each piece you offer is quite intense and shows tremendous talent.

 

Jason R.

[Bondwriter]

I read this a few times and though I had actually commented, but I didn't.

 

The use of free verse and the imagery are very well-done. There's a narrative, with various styles, and they're handled brilliantly.

 

Jason's comment is interesting. I wonder if it wouldn't work too with the character on the verge of suicide, and the reader deciding whether he takes the final step or not. So maybe were it a little less explicit one way or the other, it would be even more powerful.

 

One formal thing, the centered text is somehow weird. I solved this by copying and pasting into Word, and did my own little layout. I know, this is mean to the author.

 

Anyway, this is a great page.

[Menzoberranzen]

I read this a few times and though I had actually commented, but I didn't.

 

The use of free verse and the imagery are very well-done. There's a narrative, with various styles, and they're handled brilliantly.

 

Jason's comment is interesting. I wonder if it wouldn't work too with the character on the verge of suicide, and the reader deciding whether he takes the final step or not. So maybe were it a little less explicit one way or the other, it would be even more powerful.

 

One formal thing, the centered text is somehow weird. I solved this by copying and pasting into Word, and did my own little layout. I know, this is mean to the author.

 

Anyway, this is a great page.

 

I have a thing for centered text. Poetry written along a margin has always bothered me, for some reason. Open endings serve a fabulous purpose in literature and poetry, but I felt in this case that giving the reader the option of letting the protagonist live was cheating the poem of the finality of its tragedy. It would be, I think, akin to letting the reader decide whether or not Cordelia lives at the end of King Lear. There are some things that are more powerful when expressed directly and explicity. That is just my own view, however, and I'm always glad to hear differing opinions and criticisms.

 

Thanks for the comment, Francois, I appreciate it!

 

Menzo

 

PS I would never presume to compare Shakespeare's work to my own in anything but a trivial, superficial manner.

[Bondwriter]

I have had the last laugh

 

And try as I might, I cannot forgive them

 

I shall enjoy watching their pain

 

As I wait to meet up with them again

 

Reading again... I guess these might be (a bit) superfluous, because the notes already said it; and the last line, and title, would be stronger if this wasn't over explained. The graphic suicide has some value. Wanting to wrap it all up neatly might be a bit too much sometimes.

As for the layout, you're the master. To me, there are also the online/ on paper considerations, but how our tastes are made in these matters is quite weird.

[AFriendlyFace]

Menzo, I don't think I can properly express my surprised delight at discovering this piece! I had no idea that you wrote poetry, and was only vaguely aware (from your "author" tag) that you wrote anything at all. This was...AWESOME (It's a pity I over-use the word to such an extent that saying it now delivers less impact than I mean).

 

I've known several transsexuals and have become pretty good friends with one. In fact she and I will probably be having dinner tomorrow evening with a small group of friends. I confess that transsexuals/transgenders (as well as drag queens, cross-dressers, and transvestites) are the portion of the "alternative lifestyle" culture with which I have the most trouble identifying/understanding. However, in the past couple of years I've made considerable efforts to correct this - which I consider a very unfortunate personal failing - and I take great comfort in the fact that while I think I need a lot of work in this area, I'm generally perceived as a very understanding, supportive ally.

 

Anyway, the point is this poem beautifully and very effectively sums up the feelings I've come to recognize. It also lights a fire beneath me to make further strides in reaching out to this group (who are perhaps the most vulnerable segment of the GLBT population). Yet, as much as this poem makes me feel for the trans people of the world, and chillingly reminds me of some of the things a few of my personal friends and acquaintances have gone through, it does not make me empathize any less with the tragic figure the poem depicts! Beautifully done!

 

Like I said, this isn't about me personally, and in most cases like this (not all, but most) as well as with my own personal experience, the father is usually the problem. That was my reason for only mentioning the father specifically.

Hmm, I have heard some dire stories about unaccepting dads, and I realize this is a very common perception. Personally, I don't care for the general characterization, however. This is probably because I'm all about gender equality, and "men's rights" (women's rights too of course, but I think men's rights are all too often ignored), so the idea that fathers make inferior parents, or that they're generally less accepting than mothers is one that leaves a very nasty taste in my mouth (granted though my own mother if by far my "favourite parent", and I can't say enough nice things about her).

 

Anyway, I concede that it's often the case that fathers have a harder time dealing with a son's sexuality, or gender identity issue. This I recognize is a fairly understandable - though certainly undesirable - function of male psychology. Nevertheless, I've known several instances in which the father handled things better than the mother, and I know of even more in which they both did an excellent job. (unfortunately I know of several in which they both did a crappy job too).

 

I felt like the poem was trying to convince me that revenge was the boy's sole motive in commiting suicide. In juxtaposition to that, however, the poem invited me to experience the boy's pain, his self-loathing, and the abysmal sadness within him.

I felt more like her primary expression was that of bitter desperation. There did seem to be a "revenge" aspect to the poem, but I felt like it was a secondary characteristic of her hopeless despair.

On the downside, there was little use of metaphor. There was only one that I found...

 

 

The only other criticism I have is one that has more to do with my personal preferences around poetry. I found it overly narrative...some parts seemed more like prose than poetry. I would be most interested in your views on this observation.

 

 

The line you quoted was a similie, not a metaphor

As far as my understanding of literature goes a simile IS a type of metaphor. Being something of a literary pedant I googled "simile" and checked out the wikipedia entry for it. It would appear that overall the authors of this entry agree with you. However, I was somewhat vindicated in the "Simile vs. Metaphor" section in which the following quote appears:

Some would argue that a simile is actually a specific type of metaphor

I would be the "some". Anyway, no point in going off on that tangent (any further than I already have).

 

As for the two points Conner raises:

I actually love metaphors, but in a poem like this, I didn't want to take away from the gritty details by being overly flowery and grandiose in my language.

I couldn't have said it better myself! I was thinking the same thing when I read that particular criticism, but upon scrolling down discovered that you'd already responded eloquently.

As to your second criticism, I HATE STRUCTURED VERSE plain and simple. It restricts the author in what and how they can write. Free verse is a gray area, though, and I can see why you would find it prose-like; most, if not all, of my poetry is.

I tend to like somewhat "narrative, prose-like" poetry. I similarly find myself favouring songs that tell a specific story. So this works very well for me. I'd also agree that that was definitely the best way to handle this particular poem.

PS I don't know if you read my summer anthology entry, but it deals with suicide as well.

I hadn't, but will now (well not now, but eventually). I love stories that deal with suicide! (and other dark themes for that matter) I suppose it may be a bit morbid, and who knows what it says about my psyche, but my preferred interpretation is that I have a pretty happy, "light" life, so I like to vicariously live the dark, painful stuff through art and literature.

 

But reading it from the start, I felt you gave away the ending too soon

I whole-heartedly agree that some of the most powerful "suicide" stories happen suddenly, and serve to shock the reader. However, I've also read quite a few very powerful pieces (this one included) in which the author was upfront about the main character's intent. So I agree that the element of surprise can be very potent but I think there's a place for stories/poems like this as well.

 

I can imagine something along the lines that you're describing, Jason, to indeed be excellent, but I think this poem works just as it is, and I'm perfectly content to have "known all along"

 

Jason's comment is interesting. I wonder if it wouldn't work too with the character on the verge of suicide, and the reader deciding whether he takes the final step or not. So maybe were it a little less explicit one way or the other, it would be even more powerful.

Yes, I've read several pieces like this as well; they definitely work. I think there's a place for all the before mentioned styles of literature.

 

Thanks for the good read, Menzo. I shall indeed check out your other work.

 

Take care everyone and all the best

Kevin

Edited September 6, 2007 by AFriendlyFace