Black Star Cross - 1. Shawn

Black Star Cross

Chapter 1: Shawn

For the love of all that is right and just in the world, please kill me now. The sun was NOT meant to come up in the morning, much less on the side of the house that has my room in it. It so totally figures that the one day that I decide to have my blinds open, that would have to be the day that the sun finally decides to shine brightly without any clouds to obscure its view. But nevertheless, it is a wonderful surprise that I can actually see the sun today. In this stupid rat-hole of a town, to see the sun out is like witnessing a meteor shower. Now if only I could actually enjoy this sunny day and not go to school where it will be completely wasted.

I try, unsuccessfully, to get out of bed, but it was too warm to leave. Every time I tried to get out, it beckoned me back into its embrace. I think I would’ve been stuck there the entire day if my mom hadn’t yelled at me.

“SHAWN!!! GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED AND GET READY FOR SCHOOL!!! YOU’RE GOING TO MISS THE BUS!!!”

“I’LL BE RIGHT DOWN!!!”

Stupid bitch.

I managed to get out of the demon bed and get dressed, and by “dressed,” I mean threw on some jeans I found on the floor, no underwear or boxers, and one of the only shirts I own that looks like it might’ve been name-brand. I could really care less about those kinds of things. Those are for the “popular” people, and by that I mean total fuck-tards, to worry about. I don’t worry about my self-image every single day like those people do. That’s probably why I’m not in their good graces; not like I would want to be anyways.

I make it downstairs to see my mom and younger sister at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. I pass them by, ignoring whatever it was that my mom was saying to me, grabbed a Pop-tart and my book bag, and headed out for the bus stop. Apparently I really was late because as soon as the bus stop came into view, I could also see the bus already there and students were getting on. I had to haul ass in order to get on it in time. As soon as I did, I wished that I had missed it entirely. Everyone was looking at me like I was the freak job, and some were even laughing at me. No doubt those were the kids that were in my grade and would start spreading nasty rumors all over school by the time I get to my first class. I just ignored them and sat down towards the front. No one else sat next to me. Who cares? I like being alone.

When we got to Hell, I mean, school, I power-walked all the way to my locker. I was doing just fine until my personal tormentor for the past couple of years comes up behind me and slams me into my locker. Now of course, since this isn’t some fantasy world where everybody sticks up for everybody and nobody is ever bullied, but rather the real world we live in, nobody notices or cares and does nothing to stop this abuse.

“Hey, butt wipe. Watch where you’re going. You hear me?” he says.

Satan, other people call him Anthony, continues to glare at me when I don’t immediately respond. I am not going to lower myself to his level and start fighting back. I’m also not terrified of his presence and won’t immediately bark when he tells me to. I got more dignity than that.

“I said did you hear me?!”

I looked down at my shoes. Maybe I don’t have as much dignity as I thought I did. He has that kind of power over people.

“Yeah, I heard ya.”

He walked over to his group of cronies and, just for good measure, shouted “fag” right at me. His friends laughed along with him and they all walked off elsewhere, probably to smoke or do some other recreational drug. Everyone else around me continued to walk on as if no one noticed the exchange Anthony and I just had. Nobody cares what happens to what’s-his-name. He’s a nobody. A loser. An insignificant speck that causes no big impact onto their lives if he gets robbed, beaten up, murdered, you name it. Well, you know what? Fuck them. Screw them all to hell as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care about their lives either. I’ve made it in this world this long, I can surely make it for another year before I graduate and never have to see these fuckers again.

Classes begin as usual and, also as usual, I’m staring off into space. I’m not thinking about anything in particular. I just don’t care jack squat about what the teacher’s saying. As I sink further into my daydreaming, I start to imagine about him, that perfect boyfriend that I never seem to find (not that I have any options in this place). Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m a guy too. So what? I’m just like everybody else in this school. Well, okay, so I’m far from being like everyone else, but you know what I mean. So back to dreaming about my imaginary lover. He’s got this silky dark hair that goes down to his eyes, yet you can still see the absolute greenness of his eyes. They’re just the perfect shade of green. Then, he’s always got this killer smile that makes you feel like you’re special, like you mean something in this world. He’s always there for you and...

“Shawn! Stop daydreaming and focus on your work or you will have detention for the week!” my teacher yells.

Damn her for breaking my concentration of what is probably the most relaxing period of time I get in life. She doesn’t even care whether or not I pass this class. All she cares about is that she gets paid. Her students mean crap to her. And it’s the same way with the rest of the teachers. So now I’m forced to endure this painfully long lecture on something I will never have to use outside of this classroom. Fuck, could my life get any worse?

Now that I mention it, it could. Right outside of my classroom is Anthony and when I go to leave, he trips me, sending papers flying everywhere. What, did he have to skip class again in order to pull this dumbass stunt? Everyone around me starts laughing and, of course, no one helps me pick up any of my stuff. I look up to see Anthony and his gang laughing so hard it looked like they were about to pass out!

“What a loser! He can’t even walk right! Look at him! How pathetic is that!” they all say.

“You really are a fag, aren’t you?” I hear Anthony say. And for some reason, his comment hurt the most.

I pick up the rest of the papers and storm off into the halls, leaving the laughter behind me. This was only the beginning of my shitty day. I still had the rest of it to go through. And I was positive that it wouldn’t be any better. It never is. I remained quiet and withdrawn in the rest of my classes, which is nothing unusual, and left for the cafeteria when the lunch bell rang. I sat down with this disgusting, drippy meat (I think it might’ve been meat) at the corner of the room. I was all by myself, as usual, because nobody sits with the loser. Like I care. I just get to eat in peace this way. You would think that because of how my day’s been going that something awful would’ve happened to me, but surprisingly nothing happened at lunch or on the way to my locker afterwards.

For the rest of the day I tried avoiding Anthony and his crew since they were obviously going to be more annoying than usual today. Unfortunately that wasn’t so easy to do since the reigning king of idiots was in most of my classes. I just tried not to sit near him. At the end of the day, as I was making my way towards the bus, I heard someone give off the wolf whistle and then shouted my name. I turned around to see, who else, Anthony, and he was pointing at his crotch!

“Come on, Shawn!” he shouted loud enough for everyone to hear. “You know you want some of this!”

Since I was far enough away from him, I managed to flip him off and make it onto my bus. When it started heading out, I saw Anthony still standing there, laughing at me, still inviting me to his body. It was then I realized how far he was willing to go to humiliate me. He was all alone; his groupies were nowhere to be seen. This was an incredibly bold move for him and he was taking it just to get in a few more jabs at me for the day.

I mentally cursed him out for making my life miserable the entire trip home. The house was empty when I got there. A note explained that Mom was working late tonight and Kim was staying at a friend’s house for a sleepover. I had to fend for myself tonight regarding dinner. I nuked a frozen TV dinner and watched Dr. Phil, laughing at the white trash that always makes its way onto that show. Maybe my family should go on sometime. We need it.

I did my homework, ate dinner, played around on the computer, and all that junk. It was still early when I decided to go to bed. I stripped down to nothing, for I still didn’t believe in undergarments, and hopped into bed. It took no more than five minutes before I was seriously horny. I’m always like that as soon as I get to bed. Hard-on in hand, I start stroking while visions of hot guys flash through my head.

It wasn’t long before my favorite fantasy started playing through my head. It involved the perfect boyfriend I mentioned earlier. He and I were in bed and we were spooning, me being in front of him. He was kissing my neck and whispering loving words into my ear. Then he started pushing his erection into my butt and made love to me. About the same time that he shot, I did too.

As I lied there in my bed, the fantasy now over, panting over the incredible release, I let my mind wander. Why do I like this so much? Why is this fantasy my favorite? Why is it with him? Why does he treat me the way he does? Why am I in love with Anthony? Oh God, is my life messed up or what.