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9.11 - 56. Chapter 56
October 4, 2001
Palo Alto, CA
Tony and I lay in my bed, completely intertwined after our second fuck, and it was really nice. I hadn’t realized how dislocated I’d felt by having this big issue with him, this big gulf between us. I wondered if that meant that I really was in love with him. I analyzed my feelings, and decided that I wasn’t really sure how I felt about him. I mean, I knew that I loved him at some level, but I wasn’t sure what that level was. “You’re in big trouble now,” I teased him. “You broke Casey’s rule twice.”
He snaughed, and if it weren’t for the fact that his deep voice made that sound completely different from Robbie’s gesture, that would have been a painful reminder. “I think he’ll be OK with it. He just didn’t want me to hurt you.”
“I’m getting really sick of all these people thinking I’m some delicate fucking flower,” I groused.
“You’re pissed off because people care about you?” he challenged.
“Whatever,” I said, because he was probably right to call me out for being a little bitch. If I kept this up, I’d be as bad as JJ.
He got nervous, and that meant he was about to raise a topic he thought might piss me off. “He thinks that I’m going to be going through some pretty intense stages here in the near future, especially after I told him about what happened this summer.”
“And?”
“He says it’s possible that I treated you so badly when you came to visit because I hadn’t really internalized that I’m gay and that I saw being with a guy as just what I’d done in the past: a series of hookups.”
“You’re saying that you didn’t think I was important enough to make a commitment to?” I asked, not a little annoyed.
“That’s the theory he’s working with,” Tony said bravely, risking my wrath. “I’m not sure about it. I’m just pretty fucking confused.”
“I’ll bet,” I said, but in a loving way. “So what else did he say?” Before he could answer, I stopped him. “Wait, your conversations with him are your business. I didn’t mean to pry.”
He smiled and kissed me. “I know, but I want to share some of this shit with you.” That got him a big smile. “The reason that he wants me to play it cool with you is that he thinks, based on the way I handled that deal with you and Rick, it’s probably not a good idea for me to be in a relationship.”
I was trying to figure out what he was saying, and then when I did, I actually laughed. “You’ll get all slutty.”
“I’m not gonna get slutty,” he said totally annoyed, but that was so funny, I laughed harder. “What the fuck is so funny about that?”
“I’ll try not to get jealous,” I said, which was actually going to take some effort on my part.
“Like you give a shit enough about me to get jealous,” he said, mistakenly letting out what he was thinking, and regretting it immediately.
“Dude, I love you, just not all that much,” I teased, to get beyond his unpleasant comment. He just gave me a frustrated look. I lay there, gently stroking his chest, while I thought about what he’d said.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, since I’d been so silent.
“I’m just thinking about what you said,” I told him. “You know, it would probably be a good thing for you to be a little slutty.”
“What the fuck?” he asked, outraged again.
“It’s interesting,” I said. “It’s kind of fun to be with different dudes and see what they do that’s good, or even not so good.”
“I feel like you’re trying to get rid of me,” he said.
“Dude, I’m trying to tell you how I feel, and it’s not always easy. Can you not be as sensitive as the fucking freshmen chicks at school?” I asked him pointedly.
He gave me a dirty look. “Fine.”
“It’s not about me not wanting you. I want you,” I said, and undulated my body against him.
“Horn dog,” he said with a grin.
“I’m not the only one,” I said, as I stroked his hardening dick.
“Duh,” he said. I stopped playing with his dick so we could finish this conversation.
“So when I started having sex with guys, I was pretty much convinced that I was a top,” I said.
“I’m not seeing that,” he said, grabbing my ass.
“You should have seen me this weekend,” I said.
“Whatever,” he grumbled, getting jealous.
“The first time we made love, the first time I took your massive dick inside me, I saw stars, and I thought I was going to be a bottom forever,” I said, in my sultry voice.
“See, that’s the thing,” he said. “I can’t imagine being with someone and having it be better than it is when I’m with you.”
That nice compliment got him a smile and a kiss. “It won’t be better,” I said.
“Then why would I fuck other dudes?”
“Because it will be different,” I said. He stared at me, probably more confused. “I’ve been with some amazing lovers, and after I was done, I used to lie there and compare them to the best dude I’d ever been with.” He stared at me, not getting my reference. “You, dumbass.”
“Oh,” he said, and blushed and grinned shyly, in what had to be the most adorable thing ever.
“But it’s different, not better, not worse. That’s what I was thinking about.” He hugged me tightly but didn’t say anything, sensing I had more to say. “My dad used to do that shit, and I’ve seen Wade do it too, where they’re so fucking competitive, and so big into being in control, that they can’t understand that. To them, it’s like a simple equation: who’s better? So when Robbie messed around with someone else, my dad felt inadequate.”
“And that’s not it?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t have to be this big competition. I think that must be where Matt is, where he likes the novelty. That, and for him it’s the thrill of the hunt, of seeing if you can get a dude to fuck around with you.” I finally understood where he was coming from.
“The hunt,” he said, giving me the Tony look. “Matt is hot. Maybe I’ll start with him.”
Only I didn’t laugh. “Look, you can be with guys and I’m not going to bust your balls about it, but you can’t be with other members of my family.”
“I can’t?” he challenged, annoyed that I’d declared Matt to be unfuckable. Hard to blame him for that: Matt was a god.
“Not if we’re going to be anything more than friends, and even then...”
“So you pulled JP and Matt, Wade and John off the table?” he demanded, pretending to be annoyed.
“Yep. I did.”
“What about Stef?”
I laughed. “You can fuck him.” We both laughed, and I marveled that I really wasn’t upset about Stef having sex with Tony. That was pretty weird. I’d have to think about that later. “So Casey was worried that you’d go off and be all slutty, and that you’d end up hurting me,” I summarized.
“Yeah,” he said.
“So if we’re friends with benefits, how is you being slutty a problem?”
“It’s not,” he said.
“Good. Then that’s that,” I said, and started playing with his dick again.
He laughed and slapped my hand away. “I had a long talk with my mom this weekend. I didn’t want to tell her I was gay over the phone, but Casey told me that actually telling her was more important than delaying it and doing it in person.”
“Why?”
“Because he thinks I have to make a firm declaration of who I am, that I’m gay, or it will be easy for me to live in that place where I denied that I was,” Tony said. “So I did.”
“How did it go?”
“She said she already knew, she was just waiting for me to tell her. She told me that it didn’t matter to her, and that she loved me just as much as she did before she knew,” he said, and a tear fell out of his eye. I leaned up and kissed it away.
“Good for her! What did Julia say?”
“Pretty much the same thing,” he said. He lay there for a bit and didn’t say anything, and I let him have that space, that silence, to process his thoughts and emotions. “So I have to develop this plan on coming out, on who I tell and when.”
“Why do you have to do that?”
“Well,” he said, “I don’t have to, but I think that if I see it laid out there, it will seem easier. Kind of like a road map.”
“That makes sense. I can see that would work pretty well for you.” Tony liked to plan things out. “So how are you going to handle it?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m still thinking about it.”
“Next week the GLBT Club at Stanford is meeting,” I said. “I think it’s on Wednesday night. Maybe you should go with us.”
“That’s a pretty big step,” he said nervously.
“Yes and no,” I said. “Some people go there who are straight, and they’re just being supportive, so there’s that, but I’m betting you’d get some questions if you went.”
“No doubt,” he agreed. “Why are you going?”
“Wade invited me. It’s usually a fun time, and I like older dudes.” He didn’t laugh at that. “We just talked about you becoming a slut, so now the idea of me being with other people is wrong?”
“No, it’s not wrong, but I don’t really want to think about it, and I don’t know if I want to watch you going home with some other dude,” he said.
“I may do that,” I said. “That’s part of the deal.” But he wasn’t getting it. I sighed. “Look, it would probably bother me to see you leaving with someone too.”
“See,” he said, pretending to be a second grader.
“I think that’s the thing with mutual respect. You don’t flaunt it in my face, and I won’t flaunt it in yours.”
“Makes sense,” he grudgingly agreed.
“If there’s some dude you hate, tell me, and I’ll avoid him,” I said, thinking of that jackass Carl that had caused problems with Matt and Wade. “I’ll do the same.” He nodded.
“I have to have a talk with Rick,” he said, changing the subject. His tension levels soared with that statement, probably because he was dreading the convo with Rick, and because he knew that was a touchy subject with me.
“Well, this really doesn’t change what your deal with him was,” I said calmly. He seemed kind of surprised at that, at how well I was dealing with this topic.
“It kind of does. We were together, but allowed to play. Now we won’t be together.” So Tony had figured out that he had to end it with Rick.
“You gonna call him?”
“I probably should haul my ass home for a weekend,” he said, with the dread oozing out of his voice.
“There’s no fucking way you should do that,” I disagreed strongly. I knew if he did that, he’d put it off, probably waiting for Thanksgiving, and then he’d be faced with Rick, and he’d cave to his face. But that wouldn’t resonate with him, so I came up with a different reason, one that was just as good. “Dude, you can’t tell your mom and Julia on the phone and then fly back to see Rick.”
“Good point,” he said.
“So when are you going to tell him?”
“I don’t know,” he snapped. “I’ll figure it out.”
“Pick a day,” I said, almost an order, and that got me a sincerely nasty look. “Tony, if you don’t lock a date in, you’ll keep putting it off.”
“Fine, I’m an asshole,” he said.
“Well yeah,” I teased. “Look, it’s going to suck, and it’s going to be unpleasant, so you’ll try to put it off. Makes sense that you would, but you can’t.”
“Are you gonna be around this weekend?” he asked.
“Nope. Going to Hawaii for my dad’s birthday. You want to join us?” I was secretly hoping he’d say no, but I’d felt like this was one of those deals where I had to invite him to be polite, even though I didn’t want to deal with him this weekend.
“I can’t,” he said, and we both pretended to be sad about that. “Maybe I’ll tell him on Saturday, and then go get all slutty.”
I laughed. “Why don’t you tell him on Wednesday, and then go to the GLBT meeting?”
“Wednesday huh?” I nodded. He thought about that, and seemed to come to a definite resolution. “Wednesday is the day I dump Rick,” he affirmed. And then he did the sweetest thing. He just looked at me with these pleading eyes, telling me how much he needed my help.
“You’ll make it through this, and I’ll be with you whenever you need me, every step of the way,” I said lovingly.
“Thanks,” he said, smiling.
“Now remind me why I turn into the world’s biggest bottom when you’re around.”
“You got it,” he said, and this time, we didn’t fuck, we made love.
After we were done, and had enjoyed the afterglow for a bit, we dragged ourselves out of bed and took a shower, and it was really nice, almost like it was this summer. “I probably should go,” he said, as he got dressed.
“Right,” I said, rolling my eyes. “It’s my dad’s birthday, and we’re having a dinner for him. You’re coming.”
“I have a ton of homework...” he whined. I cringed as that annoyed me, then felt one of those waves of sadness hit me. “Are you alright?”
I nodded my head to indicate I was fine, even as I grabbed a tissue. “I’ll be fine in a second.”
“I’m sorry Will. I didn’t mean to mess you up,” he said.
I sat on the bed and he sat next to me, and put his arm around me. “It’s not you,” I said. “I have these spells; they’re kind of like attacks, where I just get really sad all of a sudden. They usually pass.”
“What triggered it?” he asked.
“Usually they just happen, and nothing triggers them, but this time you were whining,” I said, smiling weakly at him. “Robbie used to whine, and it always bugged me and my dad. You reminded me of him.”
“I’ll try not to whine anymore,” he pledged.
“That’s a good thing anyway,” I said, smiling. I managed to pull myself out of my funk, and we took that opportunity to head up to the dining room. Before we got there, I saw Gathan hovering around, and based on his expression when he saw me, he must have been waiting for me.
“Hey,” he said. “You got a minute?”
I looked at the clock. “I have five of them,” I joked.
“I’ll meet you in there,” Tony said.
“I’m sitting next to my father,” I told him. “Grab the seat next to me.” Gathan and I watched him walk in, admiring his form.
“He’s looking good,” he said.
“Yep,” I said, and then stared at him, asking him to get to the point with my eyes.
“I’m sorry I gave you so much shit about Zach,” he said. “I was just worried about you.”
I paused to choose my words carefully. “I get that, and I know that you care about me, but it was pretty insulting that you didn’t think I could handle myself, and that you thought my judgment was so bad.”
“I was just looking at this based on all my experiences with Zach growing up. He was such an asshole. He puts on a good act now, like he’s refined his game. I didn’t want you to get sucked into it.” It irritated me that despite all this crap, he absolutely refused to consider that Zach may be a different person at sixteen then he was when he was fourteen.
“Dude, I don’t think it’s like that at all,” I said. “I think you two have issues, and you’re trying to suck me and everyone else into them.”
“We have issues because he’s an asshole,” he said firmly.
“Or maybe you have issues because you’re both assholes,” I said, just as firmly. Before we got into another fight, I stopped it. “It doesn’t matter, and it’s not my deal. He’s my friend, and so are you. So if you want to be all pissed off at him, that’s fine, just don’t expect me to jump on that wagon.”
“Ma and Pa are really unhappy with how you’ve handled this, and how you’ve said you’ll shovel money to him no matter what the rest of us think,” he said, as if that were the worst possible thing that could happen to me. It was all I could do to tell him that I didn’t give a fuck what Wally and Clara thought.
“Maybe they should have a little confidence in him,” I said. “You might remind them that it doesn’t really matter what they think, he’s going to do whatever the fuck he wants anyway. So if I give him money, or I don’t, it’s not going to make him a bad person.”
“If he has money, he can get into more trouble,” Gathan insisted.
“If Zach wants money, there are a lot of ways he can get it,” I said. Did none of these people ever stop to think that a guy like Zach could easily turn tricks? He seemed to get where I was going, and we just stood there, looking at each other.
He pulled himself out of his daze, nodded and then turned to walk into the dining room. Everyone was there except my father. The clock started gonging; telling us it was 7:00. I walked up to Grand and whispered in his ear to tell him I’d check on Dad, then strode out of the dining room, and broke into a run when I was clear of their vision. I knocked on his door and got no answer, so I opened the door and looked around, but he wasn’t there. If he wasn’t there, there was really only one other place he’d be. I ran out of there and charged up to the studio, where I found him engrossed in painting. He was so into it he hadn’t even heard me bounding up the steps. “Hey,” he said, when I magically appeared in front of him, and then looked at the clock. “Shit. I’m late.”
“It’s your birthday. You’re allowed to be late,” I said pleasantly. “What are you working on?”
“Your present,” he said with a soft smile. We made it back to the dining room at 7:09. “I’m sorry I’m late,” he apologized to Grand.
“You were painting?” Grand asked, looking at his hands.
“Oh yeah,” he said, a little confused, and vanished to go wash his hands. He returned shortly and took his seat next to Grand. Ace and Cass, Jack and Claire, along with the normal Escorial crowd, were all seated around the long table.
“Happy birthday, Bradley,” Aunt Claire said in her elegant way.
“Thanks,” he said.
“So you are enjoying your painting?” Stef asked Dad.
“I am. It’s been a long time since I’ve worked on canvas,” he said. He had that dazed look he got when he’d been deep in thought and ripped out of it. He turned to me. “That was a good present.”
“I’m glad,” I said, smiling at him.
“And welcome to you, Tony,” Grandmaman said. I was sure she’d already greeted him, but she was just announcing that to all of us to make sure he felt welcome. I almost snickered as Grand, Stef, Gathan, and my dad looked all sheepish, clearly resolving internally not to be dicks to Tony like they’d been to Austin. “I am confident that you will enjoy Bradley’s birthday dinner.” That last sentence was obviously designed to grind her point home.
“Thanks, ma’am,” Tony said shyly. “I always enjoy being up here.”
“I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a happy birthday,” Grand said to Dad. He raised his wine glass. “To Bradley.”
“Hear hear!” we all said, and raised our glasses to toast my father.
“Marie has been raving about your new offices,” Claire said. “I think they will look marvelous when they’re done.” Stef had obviously included her in the planning process, which made sense.
“I agree,” I said. “You know, you could jog to work and take a shower there,” I teased my father.
He looked at me like I was an idiot. “Right,” he said. “I’d rather use the gym here.”
“I hear it is a good place for a complete physical release,” Stef said, making me chuckle with his double-entendre.
Conversation continued, until the main course arrived, and then we focused on eating and less on talking. As we were all finishing, Tony shocked the shit out of me by standing up. “I have something that I wanted to say to all of you, if it’s alright with you?” He had directed that question to Grand, and to my father, since it was his birthday dinner.
“That is fine,” Grand said smoothly. “You have the floor.”
“Well, I, uh, this probably isn’t a big surprise to most of you, but I just wanted to, uh, make it official, and, uh, tell you all that I’m gay,” he said, stammering through it. He finished his statement; blushing so hard he was bright red, then sat down abruptly. It was so awkward, and so roughly done, that it just made him seem adorable. I held his hand and squeezed hard to be supportive, and to tell him he’d done a good job.
We were all waiting for Grand to speak, so we were kind of surprised when Dad spoke up first. “I suspect that’s something you’ve been struggling with for a while.” Tony nodded. “Then I’m really flattered that you chose my birthday to tell us all.”
“That really is a big step,” Stef chimed in, and then got that mischievous look on his face. “I am so happy for you. And it is also exciting to know that there is another amazingly handsome and attractive gay male out there.” Stef finished that statement by winking at him.
“Uh, thank you,” Tony said nervously, while the rest of us laughed.
“To Tony’s total gayness,” I said, lifting my glass. He laughed, as did everyone else, and we drank to that.
“How did your mother react?” Grand asked after the laughter had calmed down.
“She was terrific,” Tony said, getting more animated. “She and my sister told me that they loved me just as much as before, and that it changed nothing between us.”
“That is wonderful,” Grandmaman said.
“I think that you already know this, but if you need anything, you should come here, and we’ll try to help you out,” Grand said.
“That is true,” Stef said. “Perhaps a shoulder to cry on...”
“...or a creepy hug from an older guy,” Darius said, making us all laugh hysterically, especially at the irate look on Stef’s face at being referred to as an older guy.
We finished dinner and the staff brought out a cake; we sang for my father, but it was all pretty forced. He was trying not to be miserable, and we were trying to make this day bearable. After dinner, pretty much everyone left. I dragged Tony out onto the patio with Stef, Grand, Dad, and Darius, while we smoked Grand’s evening joint.
“You seem to be doing pretty well,” Stef said to Dad, which was a blatant lie, but he was just trying to get him to open up a little bit.
Dad looked as us all intently. “This is the first birthday since college that I’ve spent apart from Robbie. And when I think back to that time, to try and form some sort of reference, I was almost as miserable then as I am now.”
“That was when he broke up with you to be with Neil?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “I don’t even know what not having him around is supposed to feel like. He’s been part of me for so long.” He wiped away a tear, and looked at his damp hand in frustration.
“You’re doing all the things you are supposed to do,” Grand said. “You have enlisted professionals to help you work through this, you have embraced your family and your hobbies to try and focus on what is important, and you have spent time on your career, to give you additional purpose. I am impressed at how hard you are trying to work though this, but I am not surprised. It is how you are.”
“Thank you,” Dad said, and seemed surprised that Grand thought he was doing so well.
“These past few weeks have been a living hell,” Darius said. “I didn’t know how I’d get through this, but you’ve really inspired me.” Dad looked stunned at that statement, not only because it was rare for Darius to open up like that, but because of the admiration in his eyes as he said it.
For some reason, he looked at me, as if he wanted me to comment on this nightmare. “What he said,” I told him with a weak smile. “I really feel like we’re all working through this together, and you’re leading the way.” I wasn’t sure if that was accurate, but the point was to prop him up.
“Thanks,” he said, and got all choked up again, but this time in a happier way. “We are in this together.”
“My only worry for you is that you will think this is easy, and that your efforts will yield instantaneous results,” Grand observed, annoyingly casting a pall over our conversation.
“What do you mean?” Dad asked.
“I mean that even with hard work, healing this wound will take time. It is a bit like someone who, say, gets his nose broken,” he said, smirking at me. I rolled my eyes, even as the rest of them chuckled. “That young man may stuff tissues in his nose to stop the bleeding, and he may go to the hospital to get it fixed, but it takes time for the swelling to go down, and the bruises to fade. And even after the visible signs of the fracture are gone, it takes more time for the internal tissues to completely heal, preventing him from activities such as surfing.”
“Whatever,” I said, being bitchy, but mostly in a fake way.
Dad nodded. “I think I’ll spend a little more time painting.”
He got up to leave. “Don’t stay up all night,” I said.
He shrugged. “Might as well. Not like I sleep all that well anyway.” We watched him walk back into the house, all of us worried about him.
“Maybe he just needs a hot guy to fuck his brains out,” Darius joked.
Only I didn’t laugh like the others. “No,” I said. “He’s not there yet.”
“What do you mean?” Darius asked.
“Where’s Cody?” I asked. No one seemed to have an answer to that. Cody would be the most likely candidate to provide some sexual healing for Dad, but he wasn’t here.
“Maybe he’s busy,” Darius said.
I shook my head. “If Dad needed him, he’d be here for him,” I said. “So either Cody figured it out on his own, or Dad told him to just stay in LA.”
“He will see it as a betrayal of Robbie?” Stef asked.
“I think it has more to do with his need to be whole before he lets someone get that close to him,” Grand said. That seemed to end our gathering. I led Tony back to my room.
“Dude, I don’t want to make you feel like you have to be with me,” Tony said, assuming that maybe I was like my dad.
I shook my head and smiled at him. “I’m not as old as him.” He chuckled. “For me, sex helps take my mind off of things, and reminds me that there are other people out there that I’m connected with.”
“You saying you want to connect with me?” he asked.
“Oh yeah,” I said.
October 5, 2001
Escorial
A beeping noise was trying to jar me awake. I nudged Tony. “Dude, what’s that?”
He opened his eyes groggily, and then seemed to wake up pretty fucking fast. “Sorry. I set an alarm. I have to get back.”
“At 4am?” I asked, annoyed.
“I’ve got an 8am class, and I didn’t get my homework done because I was too busy fucking this dude I’m into,” he said, as he gave me a nice kiss.
“He was one lucky dude,” I said with a smile. I sighed and stretched out, watching his amazing form as he got ready. “I’ll call you when I get back from Hawaii. If you want, you can come up on Sunday night and stay over.”
“At least for a while,” he said, and grinned at me. Then he was out of there, and I felt really alone. Fortunately, that feeling was overwhelmed by hunger, and that feeling in turn was overwhelmed by the need to pee. I took a piss, tossed on some sweats, and wandered up to the kitchen. On my way, I stopped to peek in on my father, to see if he was sleeping, but he wasn’t even in his room.
I went up to the studio, this time being quiet as I walked up the steps. I found him asleep, only it looked like he’d been painting on the table, because there was a canvas lying there, and he’d ended up asleep, his face on top of it. I saw that this one was the painting he’d been doing of Robbie, and his tears, his face, and his drool had run over the picture, smearing it in places. It was so poignant, and so sad, as if he was trying to physically bond with Robbie by smearing his own face and fluids on the painting.
I got a rag, and then gently woke him up. “Dad!” I shook him, and saw his eyes slowly open.
“What the fuck?” he asked me, blinking.
“You fell asleep on your painting,” I said. I took the rag and started to wipe the paint off his face. He recoiled at first, and then he let me clean his face off.
“I ruined it,” he said sadly.
“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe you just made it better. You can work on it tomorrow.” Or actually today, I thought grimly.
He was going to argue, but decided not to. He followed me down the stairs and to his room. He went into the bathroom and I heard the water running, as he cleaned himself off. He came out in his boxers to find me lying in his bed. “What are you doing?”
“I didn’t want to sleep alone,” I said, even though I was more thinking about him.
He smiled, and then frowned. “Don’t kick me.” I rolled my eyes, and he climbed into the bed. I managed not to think about my hunger, and forced myself to focus instead on slumber. We both drifted off to sleep, not touching each other, just appreciating having someone else there.
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