Make us laugh!

[Astro]

I had a nice chuckle at this - 

 

[MikeL]

My wife asked me to put the pie in the oven at 120 degrees.  
It took some doing but typically she showed no appreciation.

 

 

[MikeL]

Can you say "eleven"?

 

If you are Scottish, does it matter?

 

[Daddydavek]

I got this from a pal who loves to go fishing!

 

Subject: Fifty Shades of Fishing

 

 

 

 

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
 
Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up,
Firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.
 
"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
 
“Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me
And put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’"
I  pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
 
Well, she's been reading that book, “50 Shades of Gray.”
On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
 
So, Here I am!
                                                            

[MikeL]

Australia wireless 250 years ago.

After having dug to a depth of ten feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times said: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all nothing. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

[K.C.]

[MikeL]

 

Dear God,

 

My prayer for 2014 is for a fat bank account and a thin body.

 

Please don't mix these up like you did last year!

 

Amen

 

[Andy78]

[Astro]

But that is what pirates do!!!! I don't think disney understands....

 

[K.C.]

Father come home and walks into a huge argument in progress between his wife and daughter.

 

Both demand that he pick a side.  He listens to both of them make their points.

 

He sides with his wife.  The daughter is outraged and wants to know why.

 

Father: If you're mad at me, well, you're leaving for college in 1-2 years, but if your mother is mad at me, I can't have sex anymore and I have at least a good 5-10 years left in me.

 

[Daddydavek]

 

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.

 

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away,

complaining and criticizing throughout the process.

 

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

 

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

 

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"

 

The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.

 

The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"

 

The husband said, "Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas."

 

[Astro]

You go dads! What a guy!

 

[MikeL]

APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend 
the night with her for $500. They did their thing, 
and, before he left, he told her that he did 
not have any cash with him, but he would have his 
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling 
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had 
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been 
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for 
$250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam: 

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your 
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, 
because when I rented the place, I was under the 
impression that: 
#1 - it had never been occupied; 
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and 
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. 
However, I found out that: 
#1 - it had been previously occupied, 
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and 
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately 
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir: 

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a 
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. 
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you 
know how to turn it on. 
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of 
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture 
to fill it, please do not blame the management. 
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced 
to contact your present landlady.

Edited April 7, 2014 by MikeL

[Slytherin]

[Andy78]

[MikeL]

[Andy78]

This one's for LBO:

 

[Slytherin]

That was fun, Sheep Slytherin rules !! and now over to something completely different..

 

for Sheep

 

Edited April 7, 2014 by slytherin

[Andy78]

[Astro]

He's probably thinking, 'please send help...save me'

 

[MikeL]

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" 

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."
 
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

[Slytherin]

[MikeL]

[MikeL]

"Hi Jack"

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RD0fz9-gqwThQ&v=SXSSrBBZV_8&feature=player_detailpage

Edited April 10, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

 

I bet the children at this play area think it's the best slide ever.