Make us laugh!

[Valkyrie]

[Slytherin]

[rustle]

[Daddydavek]

 

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
 
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
 
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
 
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you..you have no legs!
 
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
 
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
 
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
 
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
 
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I???'

[JamesSavik]

Ever have one of "those" mornings!?

 

Edited June 4, 2014 by jamessavik

[Slytherin]

[Valkyrie]

[Valkyrie]

 Look at those gas prices! 

[K.C.]

 Look at those gas prices! 

 

I see some trees that you could squat behind!!

[Slytherin]

[Daddydavek]

 

 

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees'!

'What powerful rivers'!

'What beautiful animals'!

He said to himself.

 

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

 

 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

  

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

 

 

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

 

 

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

 

 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

 

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

 

 

 

 

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

 

 

 

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"

  

 

 

 

 

[Slytherin]

 

 

 

[MikeL]

Buy a bottle for Dad

 

Father's Day, Sunday June 15

 

Remember, you're the reason he drinks!

[Slytherin]

[Palantir]

PUNS.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine

17. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

19. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

20. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

[Daddydavek]

Iawain must of gotten hold of an old copy of the Reader's Digest!

[Slytherin]

[Valkyrie]

[Bachgen Cymraeg]

Best Film synopsis ever: 

Edited June 15, 2014 by Bachgen Cymraeg

[Slytherin]

[DynoReads]

Sometimes you need a sense of humor when the weather doesn't co-operate.....

 

Rains turn a minor league ball park into a water park:

 

http://video.goerie.com/?pl_id=24682&va_id=5177684 

[Bachgen Cymraeg]

Comedian hired a pilot to do this over LA:

[MikeL]

Gay Waterfall?

 

 

Actually, long exposure shot of glow sticks dropped into a waterfall.

Edited June 20, 2014 by MikeL

[Bachgen Cymraeg]

[Daddydavek]

Royal Canadian Mounted Police - You know people complain about the RCMP, 
but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one:

Frozen Carburetor:  In the fun world of the administration of justice, 
not all the laughs are in the court-room.   Indeed, giggles and guffaws 
can erupt at almost any time or place.  

For example: On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern British
Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist,  who
was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman. 
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. 
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." 
"I Can't." 
"OK, Watch me and I will show you."  The constable lubricated the
carburetor as promised.  The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
  
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the 
father of the motorbike rider.

 

  It began: "On behalf of my daughter.......