The Love and Loathing of Siblings

[Sasha Distan]

Everyone says you can't pick your family, i usually tell those people to sod off, because i have. Unfortunately, i haven't managed to get rid of my blood family, which is slightly annoying. my older brother is possibly the biggest *insert expletive* anyone has ever met. Racist, bigoted, generally antagonistic, you name it. and i'm me. 

We've never got on.

 

So with Christmas and the "season for love and togetherness" fast approaching, is anyone else dreading the enforced time they will need to spend with family (but especially siblings), or have they found clever ways to get out of it?

Hubby and i are playing the "We're recently marrried and want to spend Christmas by ourselves" as cover to go to his parents house for the second year running. his siblings are all really really cool. damn him.

[TetRefine]

I hate my younger brother. He's a selfish, backstabbing, self-centered piece of shit who I wish I could negate all biological ties to. I haven't spoken a word to him in 3 1/2 years, and I sure don't plan on ending that streak come this Christmas. Unfortunately he's the only sibling I have, and my parents aren't about to pop out another kid, so its like I don't even have a sibling. I treat my 9 and 6 year old cousins like they are my little brother and sister and care far more about them than I do my biological brother. 

 

I also save a ton of money not having to buy him a Christmas gift every year too! So thats always a bonus.

[Kitt]

I have been "blessed" with two - yes two - mother in laws.  Hubby's step mom isn't a problem, although she seems to think that we are not related to her since she just married his dad.  We get along well enough and i usually enjoy time spent over with her and her son and his family.

 

Now, his biological mom is a different story. I have never been good enough for her boy, she lets me know that every time we are together, and i dread every single moment i am forced to spend with her. I usually come away at best with a headache and aching jaw from grinding my teeth in an effort to keep my trap shut. Sometimes that is a losing proposition. On those occasions i come away with a husband who thinks i was completely right but should have kept quiet and preserved the peace.

 

You very much CAN choose people you wish to include in your family, and I have on many occasions throughout my life. I haven't however found a way to separate myself sufficiently from the ones mother nature chose to stick me with!

[Arpeggio]

I only have my two brothers, and I love them so much, but they can be so stupid sometimes. XD

[scotty94]

I feel your pain Sasha I have six sibling to contend to, I might just poison them im cooking Christmas dinner LOL only joking I love them all, but I don't hate the time I spend with them it's just the length of time.

[rustle]

We're goin' camping with the dogs. Family's not close, and they can't put up with the dogs. Friends have their families.

 

It lets some folks off the hook, us included, and gives us a way to just relax in this, the season of chaos.

[JMH]

My older brother and I have never gotten along.  We haven't talk to each other six years.  He's dyslexic and I'm not.  You have no idea how much bad blood that has created between us.  It is very difficult to deal with a 40 year old man who still acts like he has to compete against me as if we are still in elementry school.  Not going to get into the details or how it was justified but his resentment of me evetually got to the point where I would sometimes come home to find out the rest of the family left town without telling me. 

 

What can I say, parents pretty much gave him whatever he wanted out of pity after he failed two grades. He almost didn't graduate from high school and in the end I ended up graduating from college two years before him.  He wouldn't even tolerate me sitting in the same room with him which was usually the same room where the rest of the family was. When it came time for me to decide what colleges I should go to I was stupid enough to listen to his advice on where to apply.  When I later told him I got accepted to all of them he stormed out and slammed the door in my face and would not talk to me again until I agree not to go to any of them.  It came out that  the only reason he had me apply to those schools was so he could feel better about himself if I didn't get in. He finally did act on his threat not to speak to me every again because I finally couldn't stand it anymore and exploded and told him exactly how I felt about the way he had been treating me my whole life.  That  was something I had never let out before.  He had the nerve to play the victim and of course everyone sided with him.   That's my brother.

 

My mom is a passive agressive pain in the ass (PAPA) with selective memory. She means well but she really knows how to hold a grudge.... like forever.

 

My dad is a ruthless egomanic who cuts everyone down in order to cling onto the idea that we are very much his inferior.  When I told him what books I was reading in first grade he told me that wasn't good enough because he was reading Treasure Island and stuff my age.... turned out they were all comic books lol.  I still can't beleive he felt the need to compete against a six year old child.

 

My younger brother is alright.  He's dyslexic too.  There was not as much bad blood between him and me mainly because I was told I was not to be in anyway involved in his life because my parents were afraid I would have a negative impact on his self-esteem .

 

I was pretty much made the family monster for no other reason than doing what I was told to do and succeeding at it. 

 

 

When we got older my younger brother and I sort of reconnected and he is pretty much the only member of my family I get along with.  Visited him this summer and will see him again next summer during a very awkward family reunion.  It will be very difficult eating with my family while my older brother pretends I don't exist.  It is for that very reason I try to avoid all family fuctions and moved as far away from them as I could get.

 

I hate that I still care about them and it is no wonder I'm messed up in the head.  It would be a lot less painful if I could just tell them they could go screw themselves and never deal with them ever again but I guess I will always cling to the futile hope that one day things will be different regardless of knowing they never will.

 

 

As for this holiday I'm going to make a dozen pecan pies and give them away to friends and spend time with them which should be good but it is still a very depressing part of the year for me.

[Daddydavek]

I'm one of seven.  I have four brothers and two sisters.   We all get along fairly well but I am only close with two of my brothers and not particularly close to either of my sisters.  One brother is married to a control freak which he seems to not know.  Another thinks he is an expert on politics and wants to tell everyone what to think.  One sister was an elementary school teacher and teacher knows best.  So I can take them in small doses but am glad I don't have to live with them!   Fortunately, I enjoy the nieces and nephews and the grand nieces and grand nephews and I've got two more on the way next year.

[Rndmrunner]

Family can be trying. I have been blessed with a close family. Yes we argue but while it may get loud at times, once the storm is done so is the anger. I do also buy into the concept of we make our family: we inherit blood family but other we invite in who can stand equal to them. 

 

As i said i am lucky, my biggest family problem is that my siblings live elsewhere and plane travel is required for a visit. Luckily and sadly while we can pick up instantly after 6 months apart, all to soon we are heading our separate ways. 

 

So here's wishing everyone else my family problems.  Enjoy the holidays and wishing that you all get to spend your time with those you love and respect.

[Sasha Distan]

my brother had changed his plans and if i'm lucky i won't have to see him *yay*. i will still need to spend boxing day with my blood parents, because he pulled out on them, but if i stick with my current plans to go riding and see friends, i'll be the evil child. nothing is ever his fault.

 

I am jealous that others actually get on with their siblings, and oddly pleased that there are others in similar situations as me, though i would never wish this on anyone.

[Aditus]

I love my sister and brother, their significant others, my niece and nephews, my dad and his other half, (now comes a but) but I have the feeling Kitt's mother in law must somehow be related to mine. So Kitt if you ever want to say something to her in the evil language, just ask, I know some very nice er... phrases.

Anyway, Christmas this year is at my house, next year I'll want to take a time-out.

Edited December 10, 2013 by aditus

[Kitt]

There is an advantage to being the host household Aditus. If things get too out of hand you can escort the pest from the house. Last time I did that it resulted in several (very peaceful) years in which his mom would not speak to me.

 

And I don't think it's the language that is evil...

Edited December 10, 2013 by Kitt

[Fishwings]

It's true you can't pick your family, but you CAN pick who you decide to murder...

[Aditus]

Okay reading what I wrote earlier, I can see I could be misunderstood. loI I didn't mean my mother-in-law, but my own mother, which is really sad but can't be helped. Nevertheless, you're absolutely right Kitt and I can see exactly that happen.

[Cia]

1 full-sister, 2 step-sisters, 2 half-sisters, 2 half-brothers, and 1 step-brother. My ex-stepdad remarried and he has 2 new step-daughters. We remained close to my stepwitch's ex before she married my dad, and I'm friends with his step-daughter. We're spread out all over though, so for the most part it's cards and calls and there we go. *shrugs* I slot my dad and the step-witch when I can as we visit my hubby's dad and his wife, his mom and her boyfriend, and his brother and his family. I much prefer my mother in law to anyone else, though. That's fortunate for me, since we spend the most time at her house during visits and holidays. Because of certain past events I don't spend more than a few hours in my dad's home, and I'm good with that.

 

Much like Matt, I can and easily have cut family members out of my life. I stopped talking to my Grandad at 16 and that lasted until he died. Sometimes people just don't deserve a place in your life and sharing some DNA certainly isn't a good enough reason to take any crap from people. My mother gets the bare minimum of my time via phone, and that only because she lived with my Grandma before she died last year and I couldn't avoid talking to her. Why make myself unhappy to please some societal expectation?

 

Family should be people that love and support you, and who you love and support in return. Those are the folks you should try to spend time with around the holidays. Everything else is bunk.

[Sasha Distan]

Family should be people that love and support you, and who you love and support in return. Everything else is bunk.

 

I think i might frame this and put it on my wall.

[Kitt]

 

 

Family should be people that love and support you, and who you love and support in return. Those are the folks you should try to spend time with around the holidays. Everything else is bunk.

 

 

I think i might frame this and put it on my wall.

hmmmm - counted cross stitch material?

Edited December 10, 2013 by Kitt

[Celethiel]

Simbling rivalry...

I hated my brother as a child...

lets see first it was "That thing stole mommy..."

Then it was, "he's getting away with something I can't get away with...... personal justice time... and boy did i have a temper

Then it was "he was bringing my middleschool torment to me at home so i can't even escape it..."... middleschool was a mess

then highschool we barely saw each other... and he moved to the opposing side of the state and i lived with grandma...

We still barely talk to each other...

i feel like i am tolerated by him but that's it...

although every once in the while he'll text me and say something: well i asked you because you're the wise one."

My sister... get along as long as it's just the two of us... when other large amounts of family members get involved we tend to attack each other and make each other miserable...

but she's also much younger than me... only 19 and eager to prove how good she is too.

[Y_B]

I think the saddest thing in the world is to have a dysfunctional family or to have irreconcilable feuds with people within the family. If you haven't talked to someone in over years, there's something seriously wrong with you, if that person is terrible enough for you not to want to talk to them for years on end, there's something seriously wrong with the whole dynamic. It's not a good thing. Unless you have a rapist in the family or something seriously screwed up, if just on the basis of personality differences, you can't at least make peace with the people you are suppose to be closest to, I think it's an indication of what kind of person you are. But then again, we're all right to our own beliefs as to what is good, bad, right or wrong, so this is just what I think.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Y_B

[W_L]

For sibling love and fights, my sister and I have one of the weirdest dynamics.

 

She hates staying in anyone place, so travels everywhere her heart is set on. I love to travel, but I prefer stability and sort of settle into things. She's very impractical about money and spends it like she is an heiress. I prefer to save my money and cut down my personal expenses to the things I need. She works in random sales jobs and can make more in commission than I can on my bi-weekly salary (extremely great at sweat talking), but she sucks at money management and keeping her jobs, expecting her performance to give her higher authority and lecturing her own managers. I am a professional, who works with numbers and really suck at selling things, because I prefer showing reality in numbers over fiction in brands or marketing and I am given authority when I don't want it.

 

When people meet us together, they are shocked that we can be so polar opposite. We get into violent fights a lot; she and I have tried to strangle each other and we bitch slapped each other more than once during the holidays.

 

Despite all our animosity and opposition, we do love each other and are fiercely protective.

[Former Member]

Being an entire country and then an ocean and then half of another country away from my family has put a lot of things into perspective.  I was never particularly close with my brother growing up, and being close to my sister is hard when we're 12 years apart.  But physically NOT BEING ABLE to see them or interact with them on a real level and in real time has really affected me.  I have gone without physical affection from the people I care most about for the better part of a year.  I envy the fact that many of you can CHOOSE not to interact with your family members or CHOOSE to cut them out of your lives.  I have been cut out of my family in a way that is hard for me to wrap my head around.  The kicker?  It wasn't even intentional.

 

It has seriously altered the dynamic of my whole family, which was evidenced when I flew back to the states to celebrate Thanksgiving with them.  It was almost like the hole my absence caused was filled or covered over.  Like there wasn't a place for me anymore.  I had grown used to being away and they had grown used to not having me around.  Suddenly I was back in the picture and I upset the entire routine.  So yes, in a way, I am dreading gone home for Christmas and facing my family.  But only because I fear where I will now fall after being gone for so long.

 

It is definitely true that you can't choose your family, but I wouldn't want to choose my family anyway.  There are different circles and different relationships that form based on those ties.  I don't WANT to treat my friends the same way I treat my brother, because in the long run, we probably wouldn't be friends for very long; forced cohabitation can do that to a relationship. The people I have chosen to surround myself with deserve something different from what I give to my family and vice versa: my family deserve something different from what I give to the people I choose to surround myself with.  There is a place for everything.

 

But then again, this is coming from someone who hasn't had very negative experiences in terms of my immediate family.  If we push it to my extended family, particularly on my mother's side, there are more than a few people I would gladly never speak to again.  Not for anything they have done to me personally, but for the things they have done to MY family.  A few of my sisters have done some things to my mother that I can never forgive them for.  I don't understand why my mother still continues to put up with the dramatic bullshit that seems to follow the eight siblings around like the plague, but she did once tell me that at the end of the day, her family was the only thing she had.  And she would be damned if she didn't make it out to be the best she could have.

 

Another thing I've learned since I've been in China: don't have regrets.  This has extended to my family as well.  At the end of my life I don't want to look back and say, "Well, shit, I really wish I had put more effort into my relationship with my brother, even if he was a self-entitled pompous asshole who values everything more highly than his family."  So even though I haven't spoken to him in months because he always seems to have something better to do than to sit and talk with me over Skype for a few minutes, I will keep reaching out, because I want to make the most of the family I have been given.  I wouldn't choose to be friends with anyone like my brother.  But I'm stuck with him.  I might as well make the most of it.

[Sasha Distan]

I think the saddest thing in the world is to have a dysfunctional family or to have irreconcilable feuds with people within the family. If you haven't talked to someone in over years, there's something seriously wrong with you, if that person is terrible enough for you not to want to talk to them for years on end, there's something seriously wrong with the whole dynamic. It's not a good thing. Unless you have a rapist in the family or something seriously screwed up, if just on the basis of personality differences, you can't at least make peace with the people you are suppose to be closest to, I think it's an indication of what kind of person you are. But then again, we're all right to our own beliefs as to what is good, bad, right or wrong, so this is just what I think.

 

i think many of us wold refute the idea that we are broken purely because we don't like our blood relatives. the only reason we are driven ti support our families is because of the ancient instinctual desire to preserve the line of hereditary and DNA. if you can see past this, there is no reason you should love your siblings more than anyone else, especially if they prove themselves over years to be unworthy of love and affection.

the nine months i didn't speak to or see my brother were a good nine months.

 

Also Myi, while i feel your pain, you did choose to move abroad. even if it wasn't your original plan, no one made you pack your bags and threw you on a plane. i hope your christmas is better than your Thanksgiving

[Fishwings]

I think the saddest thing in the world is to have a dysfunctional family or to have irreconcilable feuds with people within the family. If you haven't talked to someone in over years, there's something seriously wrong with you, if that person is terrible enough for you not to want to talk to them for years on end, there's something seriously wrong with the whole dynamic. It's not a good thing. Unless you have a rapist in the family or something seriously screwed up, if just on the basis of personality differences, you can't at least make peace with the people you are suppose to be closest to, I think it's an indication of what kind of person you are. But then again, we're all right to our own beliefs as to what is good, bad, right or wrong, so this is just what I think.

 

There are lots of people out there who are assholes to their own family members and they aren't obligated to tolerate them just because they share their genes. People are generally expected to try harder/put up with their family members, but if there's clear mistreatment, why should they?

 

It's societal norms that say rising against injustice within a family reflects badly upon said person. Regardless of situation.

 

 

 

 I envy the fact that many of you can CHOOSE not to interact with your family members or CHOOSE to cut them out of your lives.  I have been cut out of my family in a way that is hard for me to wrap my head around.  The kicker?  It wasn't even intentional.

 

Just because someone has the choice of cutting out a family member doesn't make that a privilege and your situation worse. Everyone's family is different.

[Celethiel]

I think the saddest thing in the world is to have a dysfunctional family or to have irreconcilable feuds with people within the family. If you haven't talked to someone in over years, there's something seriously wrong with you, if that person is terrible enough for you not to want to talk to them for years on end, there's something seriously wrong with the whole dynamic. It's not a good thing. Unless you have a rapist in the family or something seriously screwed up, if just on the basis of personality differences, you can't at least make peace with the people you are suppose to be closest to, I think it's an indication of what kind of person you are. But then again, we're all right to our own beliefs as to what is good, bad, right or wrong, so this is just what I think.

oh but you're not nessarilly close to your family all they share is blood...

they may not share interests

they may have such different personalities that they can't possibly get along...

 

as to the person who's so terrible you don't want to talk to them for years on end... i present onto my drunken sociopath of a father... and my mom's boyfriend who's a drunken hick to the point he gives hicks a good name...

[Former Member]

 

Just because someone has the choice of cutting out a family member doesn't make that a privilege and your situation worse. Everyone's family is different.

 

that was not my intention at all.  All I was saying was that I - personally - would have rather had the choice than to have been excised.

 

And yes Sasha, my move abroad WAS my choice.  But when can you ever know the consequences of your actions before you do it?  Before I left for China, my cousin had just gotten back from a trip abroad to South Africa (tagging great white sharks no less, the lucky bastard).  He fit back in like he had never left.  I knew this would happen - how can it not? - but I never expected the cut to be so deep, and really, how was I supposed to know that it would be?

 

*shrug* as Luc Rosen said, everyone's family is different.  Here's to hoping that our Christmases are merry and bright, regardless of our situations and where we find ourselves this season.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Myiege