How to deal with a young teenager and pornography?

[Graeme]

Basically, what's happened is my thirteen year old son has confessed to viewing porn. The porn in question is actually a pornographic cartoon that he found from a very popular webcomic website. At the bottom of the page is a section headed "Comics I Enjoy" and one of those is "OGLAF (NSFW)".

 

My son, being the curious person he is, clicked on the link (at thirteen, he might not have known what NSFW means). His comment to me was that he "became addicted" to viewing that site. I can understand -- after he showed it to me, I found it amusing and addictive, too

 

What initially surprised me was the comic for the day I checked was a purely gay-sex cartoon (though there's one nude female in it). My first reaction was that my son's gay (though he was only confessing to viewing porn, not being gay). However, a closer check of the site shows it's actually a mix of straight, gay, and lesbian sexual cartoons, so I'm reserving judgement for now.

 

After discussing it with my son, I've blocked the site so he can't access it anymore (he's happy with that). What I wanted to ask the members is at what age they thought it would be appropriate to let him look at it again? I should state that my son has only just turned thirteen.

 

I'm inclined to allow him to look at it from either fifteen or sixteen. What do others think? The above should be enough to allow anyone curious to find the site in question. I'd personally classify it as an adult comic, but it's pretty heavy with nudity (male and female) and sex. I'd be less relaxed if it had been photos and videos he was viewing, but it's easier to appreciate with comics that it's not real.

 

What's the best way forward?

 

[JamesSavik]

Graeme-

 

We've been pals for a long time.

 

My advice is very simple: Don't have a cow man.

 

It's a very simple equation.

 

13 year old + hormones + online access = p0rn

 

The proof is trivial.

 

It doesn't make him a bad kid or you a bad dad.

 

Don't make a bigger deal of it than you have to.

 

You don't want him to think of himself as dirty or perverted when he probably just about where 99% of 13 year olds are.

 

Boys are gonna be boys.

 

It's not a problem until be starts buying multi-terabyte USB drives for his p0rn stash.

 

 

PS- one of the Meanings for NSFW is New South Frikkin' Wales 

Edited March 2, 2014 by jamessavik

[Aaron Penrose]

To be quite frank, I think parents should allow their children unrestricted internet access until they are found doing something harmful like going into adult chat rooms or on webcam (as you said--real people.) So long as you're clear about the boundaries and what jeopardizes one's safety/privacy online, what's the problem? Kids will be kids. If you tell them not to do something, they will only want to do it more. Then again I was always mature for my age, and your son may not be ready to synthesize such adult subject matter. But I think all boys are "obsessed" with porn when they're thirteen. I certainly was, and I'm not even biologically male.

 

I may be a bit of an extreme case, but I was looking at hardcore pornography by the time I was eleven, and I don't think it affected me negatively. If anything it dispelled all the hype about sex. I come from an extremely religious background and my parents did nigh everything in their power to make me ashamed of my sexuality. The porn taught me it's something real people do, and they don't feel guilty about it later. Like I said, extreme case, but I think it applies to your situation nonetheless. At thirteen, a little worldly knowledge won't kill him. It may actually help him in the future. 

 

I applaud you for being so involved in his life. My parents never cared what I did on the internet. I can't imagine feeling comfortable enough with them to actually admit I was addicted to porn. It's wonderful that he trusts you enough to be so open.

[Graeme]

Graeme-

 

We've been pals for a long time.

 

My advice is very simple: Don't have a cow man.

 

It's a very simple equation.

 

13 year old + hormones + online access = p0rn

 

The proof is trivial.

 

It doesn't make him a bad kid or you a bad dad.

 

Don't make a bigger deal of it than you have to.

 

You don't want him to think of himself as dirty or perverted when he probably just about where 99% of 13 year olds are.

 

Boys are gonna be boys.

 

It's not a problem until be starts buying multi-terabyte USB drives for his p0rn stash.

 

 

PS- one of the Meanings for NSFW is New South Frikkin' Wales 

 

Hi, James. He's actually more upset than me. He thought I'd be angry -- I wasn't. However, I was concerned when he used the word 'addicted' to describe how he kept going back to that site (and another adult cartoon site). That's why we discussed it. He said he didn't know if he'd be able to not go back to the site, hence why I've blocked it in the router.

 

I agree that the boys will access porn (his brother has already been caught). What's important is giving it some balance and making sure it doesn't become an obsession, or accessing stuff that could cause them harm.

 

The reason for the confession was because he'd asked if he could download an MA15+ game (ie. one that technically he's two years too young to play) and I said we'd consider it on a case-by-case basis, depending on why it had an MA15+ rating. I made the comment about how I considered him trustworthy... and that's when he made his confession. He's a good kid I've told him he's not in trouble and that I'm not upset.

 

To be quite frank, I think parents should allow their children unrestricted internet access until they are found doing something harmful like going into adult chat rooms or on webcam (as you said--real people.) So long as you're clear about the boundaries and what jeopardizes one's safety/privacy online, what's the problem? Kids will be kids. If you tell them not to do something, they will only want to do it more. Then again I was always mature for my age, and your son may not be ready to synthesize such adult subject matter. But I think all boys are "obsessed" with porn when they're thirteen. I certainly was, and I'm not even biologically male.

 

I may be a bit of an extreme case, but I was looking at hardcore pornography by the time I was eleven, and I don't think it affected me negatively. If anything it dispelled all the hype about sex. I come from an extremely religious background and my parents did nigh everything in their power to make me ashamed of my sexuality. The porn taught me it's something real people do, and they don't feel guilty about it later. Like I said, extreme case, but I think it applies to your situation nonetheless. At thirteen, a little worldly knowledge won't kill him. It may actually help him in the future. 

 

I applaud you for being so involved in his life. My parents never cared what I did on the internet. I can't imagine feeling comfortable enough with them to actually admit I was addicted to porn. It's wonderful that he trusts you enough to be so open.

Both boys have almost unrestricted Internet access. I say almost unrestricted because I haven't given them the password to the wireless network, so they have to be in the lounge room and access the Internet via a cable. Otherwise, up to until now, we've put not constraints on the access.

 

My concern, as I said above, is to make sure it doesn't become an obsession/addiction, and to manage when they'll be able to view some things. I'm not bothered with what he's seen -- I'm bothered that he used the word 'addicted' when referring to it.

 

EDIT TO ADD:

 

As an aside, we've reviewed the MA15+ game he wants to download and he'll be able to purchase and download it next weekend. We're not bothered that by the rating he's too young

Edited March 2, 2014 by Graeme

[Krista]

In a world where cyber bullying, sexual predators, and the like is on the increase, I cannot agree that teenagers should be allowed free access. I've seen children as young as nine or ten with very disturbing search histories. They are not equipped socially to fend off internet bullying or sex, those are difficult to maneuver for people in their late teens let alone their early teens.

 

Pornography can lead to addiction, it is a strong addiction because it is so easily accessible and the addictions are so easily sated. Might lead to the person unable to separate their social life from their computer to develop strong and healthy relationships with people. It can cause social anxieties, anger management issues, a misconstrued view on sex and relationships. Could open them up to unsafe sexual practices, drug use, and becoming cyber bullies/predators themselves. 

 

They may develop body and self esteem issues.

 

So no, free reign over the internet for young children and pre-teens and early teens should never be allowed in my opinion. They just aren't socially ready to deal with what they can easily find. 

[Ron]

Porn is not ultimately about sex, it is about power, and porn shows a lopsided glorification of it. When was the last time anyone saw a porn video about positive sexual roles? The princess gets pounded folks, front and rear every time, and much of it is borderline violent, and she is often begging for more...what does that say? Same goes for M/M, it's mostly about the power trip, sex happens but it's not truly about the sex is it? And until a young man or young woman is able to understand that, I think it is better for them to not be subject to it. That's what I think.

[Mark Arbour]

Porn is not ultimately about sex, it is about power, and porn shows a lopsided glorification of it. When was the last time anyone saw a porn video about positive sexual roles? The princess gets pounded folks, front and rear every time, and much of it is borderline violent, and she is often begging for more...what does that say? Same goes for M/M, it's mostly about the power trip, sex happens but it's not truly about the sex is it? And until a young man or young woman is able to understand that, I think it is better for them to not be subject to it. That's what I think.

 

Nonsense.  For a 13 year old guy, porn is all about sex.  They're not watching porn, thinking "look how he's abusing that lady by fucking her so hard", they're intrigued by the mechanics of it, and they use it to get off.  And exactly what kind of porn are you watching, that you think it's all about violence?

 

For a much older person, porn may indeed be about those things, and about the underlying industry that is exploitative, but that is not on the mind of a teenage male. 

[Graeme]

In a world where cyber bullying, sexual predators, and the like is on the increase, I cannot agree that teenagers should be allowed free access. I've seen children as young as nine or ten with very disturbing search histories. They are not equipped socially to fend off internet bullying or sex, those are difficult to maneuver for people in their late teens let alone their early teens.

In our case, my sons don't participate in most of the social media that's out there. The main online interaction they have with other people is in-game interaction. I remember once looking over the shoulder of one of my sons when he was ten or eleven and seeing an in-game comment along the lines of "I want sex". At that age, my son just ignored it and concentrated on shooting up the opponents.

 

Pornography can lead to addiction, it is a strong addiction because it is so easily accessible and the addictions are so easily sated. Might lead to the person unable to separate their social life from their computer to develop strong and healthy relationships with people. It can cause social anxieties, anger management issues, a misconstrued view on sex and relationships. Could open them up to unsafe sexual practices, drug use, and becoming cyber bullies/predators themselves.

This was my concern when my son used the word "addicted". I don't think he's really addicted -- it's just something that's got a degree of fascination for him and at his age that's hard to control. It was why we discussed it between us and I offered to block the sites in our router -- an offer he accepted.

 

They may develop body and self esteem issues.

 

So no, free reign over the internet for young children and pre-teens and early teens should never be allowed in my opinion. They just aren't socially ready to deal with what they can easily find.

Our compromise is that they don't have Internet access in their bedrooms -- only in the lounge room where someone could walk by at any time. They have free reign, but they can't do it in private. That obviously doesn't stop them from accessing porn (as witnessed by my son's confession) but it does help reduce it's impact.

 

Porn is not ultimately about sex, it is about power, and porn shows a lopsided glorification of it. When was the last time anyone saw a porn video about positive sexual roles? The princess gets pounded folks, front and rear every time, and much of it is borderline violent, and she is often begging for more...what does that say? Same goes for M/M, it's mostly about the power trip, sex happens but it's not truly about the sex is it? And until a young man or young woman is able to understand that, I think it is better for them to not be subject to it. That's what I think.

I've had a discussion along these lines with both boys. Relationships and affection are the things that don't come over very well with porn, but these are the things that are probably the most important at their age -- learning how to manage relationships and how to deal with expressing and receiving affection.

[Bill W]

Graeme, give him some latitude to sate his curiosity.  If not, he may start going behind your back and doing things in real life, that can be much more harmful.  I had two boys go through that and mostly it's just curiosity.  It comes with the age.  

[crazyfish]

Nonsense.  For a 13 year old guy, porn is all about sex.  They're not watching porn, thinking "look how he's abusing that lady by fucking her so hard", they're intrigued by the mechanics of it, and they use it to get off.  And exactly what kind of porn are you watching, that you think it's all about violence?

 

For a much older person, porn may indeed be about those things, and about the underlying industry that is exploitative, but that is not on the mind of a teenage male. 

 

As much as I might not mind teenagers watching porn, I do mind if they start getting desensitized and start looking for harder videos to get off on. Before the internet, finding the harder videos was relatively difficult. In this day and age, 'three girls, one cup' is one click away.  

[Sammy Blue]

Hey

 

It is a difficult issue and while my first reaction would be "parents should totally stay out of what their kids do on the internet", I am starting to reach an age where I don't see things like that anymore. ;3

 

I agree that the word addiction is probably a little strong. However, the way you described how things went, I also agree that it was right to block the page, yet let him know that it was okay and all.. I suppose when he's curious enough he will find something else... (or figure out a way around the block )

 

You asked around what age you should unblock it... I would say play it by ear. Without knowing your son, nobody can make a judgement like that. I remember in 9th grade, we still had someone who was in his early stages of puberty and didn't even know about lube or what you would need a huge box of kleenex for, while others were (very) sexually active(and not just alone I mean). Allow it when you feel he is old enough to understand it and all.

 

I disagree with a few things Krista said. (Pretty much) every guy I know watches porn. When I was around 15+, I was very open with my friends and everyone did back then, too. I have never met such a case of this dangerous addiction that so many people talk about. It's way over the top and dramatized. If you turn out to be like that, it does not have to do with porn, it has to do with other underlaying problems. If the person wouldn't have porn, they would flee into online games, or drugs, or alcohol, and drown their problems with these things.

 

I do agree though that the internet is a dangerous place, but I don't think the reply to that is banning everything (because you can only do that for so long and after that your kids are on their own feet without someone looking out for them). Yes, there are creeps out there, but you can find them everywhere, not only on those sites you block. I believe it is more important that you have an idea what your kids are doing (not in every detail, but having an idea) and that you are not too close minded about it, and that you explain things to them.

 

 

I was actually not going to post this part, but I just saw Bill's reply and thought, maybe I should add it:

 

I do meet a lot of people from the internet, and I started early with that. It has happened only once that I didn't tell my parents what I was doing and simply went ahead and met a person. I didn't want to tell my parents because I felt they would never understand and wouldn't allow it, no matter what the circumstances. Out of tons of people I've met, this was the only time that it went wrong, and it didn't only go wrong a little bit, it went really bad. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I know now that had my parents been more open, I might have been able to tell them what I wanted to do. They would have known about it, I would have met this person with other people around instead of doing it behind everyone's back, and then none of that would have ever happened.

 

 

Good luck with your boys! Raising kids sounds like a pain... I might reconsider all these dreams about adoption. ;3

 

Sammy

Edited March 2, 2014 by Sammy Blue

[Mark Arbour]

As much as I might not mind teenagers watching porn, I do mind if they start getting desensitized and start looking for harder videos to get off on. Before the internet, finding the harder videos was relatively difficult. In this day and age, 'three girls, one cup' is one click away.  

 

My question would be DO they get desensitized to it?  I understand that we might anecdotally think so, but I'm wondering if that's really what happens, and to what proportion of the population.  I'm not convinced that prohibition is an adequate preventative measure if someone really wants something, whether it's cigarettes, pot, alcohol, or sex.  I'm also not convinced that everything is a gateway activity either.

[AceKebabs]

My classmates started watching porn at the tender age of 11~12, I only started when I was 15. As healthy teens, it is a part of growing up to be exposed to these things. But how you let effect it your life is a different thing. My classmate started fooling around with each other and some kids I know too started making their own 'movies' and spread them around not only amongst the school but to other schools as well. As for me, I watch pron just to get a sense of relief. Nothing more. My family never talked to me about sex or anything. I had to find out by myself. I'm glad I have better senses that the other kids. I didn't let it get to me. I too had reached a point where I thought I was 'addicted' to it because I would watch it at every possible time I can. I would sometimes feel guilty after it, especially watching a really harsh one. ( I actually swore on my right kidney that I won't watch any for a longer while, as a form of self-control I listen to myself better) Watching pron doesn't make someone a perv or a bad guy. It's how they deal with it that does. The fact that your son told you directly shows that you can trust him. He must be really confused when he thought he was addicted to it and came to you for help. It's a good move to block it, you know to help him a bit. I can't really say that it's absolutely safe to unblock it when he's older, because then he's a big boy so he might be bolder and braver with his actions. I can't really make a judgement because I don't know him, but as far as you've told us, he sounds trustworthy and it seems to me that he knows what he's doing and can make the right decisions. So you don't have to worry much

[Graeme]

Graeme, give him some latitude to sate his curiosity.  If not, he may start going behind your back and doing things in real life, that can be much more harmful.  I had two boys go through that and mostly it's just curiosity.  It comes with the age.

 I'm happy with a moderate amount of porn access, though I have reservations in some areas. At that age, I wouldn't want any BDSM, bestiality or similar being accessed. Simply looking at pictures of naked people by themselves I'd be fine with. People indulging in sex is a maybe at that age, because I would be expecting them more to be looking at nudity, not sex. I'd also expect them to keep it to themselves -- not showing friends, for example.

 

All in all, though, my major concern was when he used the word 'addicted'.

 

As much as I might not mind teenagers watching porn, I do mind if they start getting desensitized and start looking for harder videos to get off on. Before the internet, finding the harder videos was relatively difficult. In this day and age, 'three girls, one cup' is one click away.  

 

 A legitimate concern, but I think that sort of desensitisation takes a while. Given the constraint that they can't access the Internet in their rooms, I'm confident that while they may use the material in fantasies, they'd not using the porn to 'get off'. Also, I'm very confident that they're not watching movies. It'll be pictures, not videos. In this particular case, it's actually comics, not even photos.

Hey

 

It is a difficult issue and while my first reaction would be "parents should totally stay out of what their kids do on the internet", I am starting to reach an age where I don't see things like that anymore. ;3

Sorry, but as a parent, I can't ignore my responsibilities. It's my job to make sure they're using the Internet responsibly. Krista mentioned cyber-bullying. As a parent, I need to make sure my kids are not being bullied or being bullies.

I agree that the word addiction is probably a little strong. However, the way you described how things went, I also agree that it was right to block the page, yet let him know that it was okay and all.. I suppose when he's curious enough he will find something else... (or figure out a way around the block )

I've got no doubt he's capable of finding something else. His comment to me was he knows he shouldn't be looking at these things, but he couldn't stop himself. I offered to block the access, and he's happy with that. This is not me being the big bad parent and blocking access against his will

 

You asked around what age you should unblock it... I would say play it by ear. Without knowing your son, nobody can make a judgement like that. I remember in 9th grade, we still had someone who was in his early stages of puberty and didn't even know about lube or what you would need a huge box of kleenex for, while others were (very) sexually active(and not just alone I mean). Allow it when you feel he is old enough to understand it and all.

 

I disagree with a few things Krista said. (Pretty much) every guy I know watches porn. When I was around 15+, I was very open with my friends and everyone did back then, too. I have never met such a case of this dangerous addiction that so many people talk about. It's way over the top and dramatized. If you turn out to be like that, it does not have to do with porn, it has to do with other underlaying problems. If the person wouldn't have porn, they would flee into online games, or drugs, or alcohol, and drown their problems with these things.

 

I do agree though that the internet is a dangerous place, but I don't think the reply to that is banning everything (because you can only do that for so long and after that your kids are on their own feet without someone looking out for them). Yes, there are creeps out there, but you can find them everywhere, not only on those sites you block. I believe it is more important that you have an idea what your kids are doing (not in every detail, but having an idea) and that you are not too close minded about it, and that you explain things to them.

Sadly, yes, I'm going to have to play it by ear. Maturity varies considerably during the early teenage years, and the guide to use is the maturity of the people in question. On your disagreement with Krista, I need to point out that there's a significant difference in maturity between the ages of 13 and 15. At 15, I'm inclined to treat my boys as almost adults as long as they show the appropriate level of maturity. I'm not willing to do that for a 13-year-old. 

 

Good luck with your boys! Raising kids sounds like a pain... I might reconsider all these dreams about adoption. ;3

 

Sammy

LOL -- the benefits considerably outweigh the headaches

 

My question would be DO they get desensitized to it?  I understand that we might anecdotally think so, but I'm wondering if that's really what happens, and to what proportion of the population.  I'm not convinced that prohibition is an adequate preventative measure if someone really wants something, whether it's cigarettes, pot, alcohol, or sex.  I'm also not convinced that everything is a gateway activity either.

This is always going to get down to individuals. We're all different and we all have different levels of maturity as we grow up. Can someone become desensitised? The answer is definitely yes, given my own experiences with porn (which is why I'm trying my hardest not be hypocritical, though in my case porn was hard to get hold off before I was 16/17, because this was pre-Internet days).

 

The question to me is not whether to do prohibition, but how to allow controlled access in a way that's not going to be dangerous. I know the boys will access porn (both have done so -- we know that for a fact). What I'm trying to work out is what's acceptable and what's not -- how much is okay? What's okay? What's not okay? None of these things are easy

[Graeme]

Peter, your comment came through while I was doing my reply above. Yes, I trust him. His confession came about as part of a conversation where I was saying that I considered him trustworthy, and he thought that I was going to retract that because he'd been looking at porn

 

It's things like what you said about making movies that I'm trying to make sure doesn't happen. That's unhealthy, because those things are generally made to be shared, and once they're shared, they follow you around forever

[AceKebabs]

It all depends on him though You can try to prevent it now, but he'll grow up sometime soon as it's harder for you to keep control of him. It all depends on whether he would make the right decision and look at pron in a healthy way or hopefully not make the wrong choice and chose to imitate whatever he's seen.

[Sasha Distan]

personally, I would allow the comic in a year or so. I started out in comics when i was a little bit older than him (just fifteen) and personally i think a fairly decent level of curiosity can be sated by comics and the written word - both of which are much safer than photographic images and videos both of which have issues: legality, ethics, and negative body image problems.

 

if he's not angry and you trust him, then be cool (which i reckon you're being anyway) the fact that he was looking at LGBT stuff is a good sign.

[Andy78]

I think the main thing to focus on at the moment Graeme is that your son obviously feels comfortable talking to you about something like this, no matter what he thought your reaction might have been.

 

I'm not sure there are many teens out there who would even discuss their on line activities with their parents.  I'd say you can put a big tick in the "Dad's something right raising the boy" box as far as that goes.

 

The fact you haven't landed on him with both feet and grounded him until the next millenium will have a positive impact.  It wil mean that there is a far greater chance that he will be prepared to be up front and honest with you about other things in his life instead of doing them behind your back.

 

Of course him using the term "addicted" is concerning, but if there are no immediate worrying signs now that he has been cut off, I'd say the use of "addicted" might have been an overstatement.  It could just be his way of comparing his actions to "society norms", or given that the word "addicted" tends to be bandied about a lot more today than it used to, he may just be using the term because he's heard it so many times.

 

In my opinion, given that the only access to the internet your boys have is in your lounge, if he were truly addicted I'd have thought you would have caught him before his confession.

[Krista]

Addiction can come in many forms. People who 'have' to view porn before they can go to sleep are addicted to porn. Does it ruin their lives? Probably not, but it's still an addiction. Just because you haven't seen the adverse affects of something doesn't mean the threat of it isn't out there and real. Most people aren't even aware of their addicted behavior until there is some sort of interference that triggers the anxieties.  We would never tell our children at age 13 or younger to go out and experiment with sexual partners, so why are we ok with them doing so virtually? 

 

And porn does offer unrealistic views on sex. As a sexually active person I know that to be true. The day that Aaron slaps me on the ass and calls me a whore is the day he's put into the rose garden out back.  And people do pick up cues from what they observe. People are partly visual learners. A young person inexperienced could easily take their cues from pornography and apply it to their own experimentation, it's not beyond impossible. It's just not reality for a lot of people. It can become dangerous.

 

We've become lazy with our children. We want them to click a few buttons on a computer and learn the ways of the world. We've also become too damn scared to sit them down and tell them the basics of sex. Well I'm sorry, but pornography just isn't going to be my substitute teacher or my teaching tool when I want to sit down my children and tell them about it. 

 

Oh.. and not to sound like I'm preaching or anything. I think a nice open communication bridge between parents and children is nice. I think Graeme has that, if he didn't I doubt his son would have told him. Teenagers fly off with words all the time, maybe Addicted is just one of them. I've heard it used like, "I'm addicted to People Magazine," or something. So he may have just used it because the word has become fashionable for something that he likes or enjoys. 

 

You have to know your children and observe them. Children mature differently, are more observant, have different self-esteems, and temperaments. I wouldn't want a child that has low self-esteem and has somehow been sheltered or oblivious to violence, sex, etc to experiment on their own. I would worry that they're doing more damage to their view of themselves. For a more out going, self-actualized teenager, I wouldn't worry as much if I saw porn on their laptop. But I would likely have sit down talks with them both, tell them they're no longer going to know any wireless passwords, and computer time is restricted to family rooms and no later than such and such time. If I'm asleep, they won't be on it. 

 

Shew I'm glad two of mine are still in diapers. 

Edited March 2, 2014 by Krista

[rustle]

Hi Graeme. First off, congrats on the measured response and the relationship you have with your son. It sounds like you're doing something very right, and working pretty hard at it. I like the fact that you offered to block the site in question, and did so with your kid's permission/agreement, and your reasoning. When someone mentions the word addiction, it's a quiet plea for help.

 

Like most parents who give a damn, you're looking for guidance, some hard-and-fast rule to rely on. I can promise you that if you find one, it'll be dead wrong. You're going to always have to rely on your own judgment, and motives. You know what? So are your kids. If you can impart a sound process, you'll be successful as a parent. We learn the most and best when we don't even know we're learning, though.

 

As your kids develop and mature, you're going to need to express more trust in them. By the time they're 17, they'll expect more privacy online than they have now. But you already know that.

 

Trust your gut, and be honest with yourself. If your motives are good, chances are, you'll do ok.

 

Gotta say, I like this thread.

[Palantir]

Hi Graeme,

A suitable age for watching porn can't be nominated IMHO. Some people have the maturity/readiness at a surprisingly early age. Some people never have that readiness even though they're well and truly independent. It very much depends on the individual case.

My suggestion, considering the rapport and trust you've described, is that YOU don't make the decision. Rather that it should be a JOINT decision as a result of discussions between the two of you.

Your son respects your authority and you have trust in him. That's a situation to fight to maintain, and talking it over and listening to and considering each other, could well be the best way for both of you to be confidant that the decisions you make at different stages are the right ones.

Of course, the dynamics of discussion will change as your son develops in himself as an independent thinker but you'll handle that.

[Gene Splicer PHD]

If I had any conversations - at all - with my parents about porn when I was thirteen, I'd have wanted to drown myself. We lived on a lake, it would have been pretty easy.

 

Give him boundaries but also give him space. Please.

[TetRefine]

I was outed at 17 because of my porn viewing habits.

 

Seriously, the worst thing you can do is overreact and make it out to be something dirty. It will make him shameful about sex, and drive him to want it more but in secret because it's something off limits. My friends and I looked at porn together when we were 12-13, and it was mostly out of curiosity more then anything else. Like others said it all depends on his maturity level. If he's mature enough to handle it, I say let him look occasionally. Better to de-stigmatize it early then drive it "underground" where bad habits can develop IMO. 

[Adam Phillips]

I join Mark in expressing skepticism about desensitization and about the concept of a "gateway." I'm also very leery of the notion we have of addiction as something that people fall into out of nowhere. These things become realities in certain life contexts. If a young teenager is being guided by his parents into forging a life that is characterized by moderation and balance and a sense of self that isn't totally isolated from family and larger community, and a commitment to productive activity, then he's unlikely to be automatically snared by pornography and desensitized to sexuality. The whole "gateway" thing is a notion we've arrived at after the facts observed by looking at actual addicts and their paths toward addiction, and from there we've proceeded to view addiction as some looming threat to everyone who partakes or or partcipates in substances or experiences that some people have become addicted to.

 

The key, I think, is to stay aware of your child, and while granting him reasonable privacy, to be aware of what he's doing, not let him isolate excessively, not let him focus his time and energies on only one thing, not to allow too much alone-time. These are things my parents did with us. My little brother had some difficulties with substances in college, but that's because he was trying to escape an experience from his past that he hadn't had the resources to resolve successfully when he was younger. He got through it, and he's fine now.

 

Also...the whole thing about power is way off the mark. And quite frankly I'd dispute that porn consistently degrades women and glorifies abuse of power over them. Is there porn out there like that? Sure there is. There's also NON-porn out there like that. There's an element of political correctness to this regularly-seen indictment of pornography that simulatneously wearies me and makes me a little queasy.

 

My boys are 3 and 7, and so this isn't a real issue for me yet, but I hope I have a clear enough understanding of what I'm supposed to be about that when the issue of porn inevitably comes up, I won't be cavalier but also won't go into a tailspin.

Edited March 2, 2014 by Adam Phillips

[mickey1952]

Even if I weren't gay I knew from a fairly early age that I didn't want children and would have made a pretty inadequate parent. So I won't presume to give you advice on this subject. But I think your sons are very lucky to have a father who loves them enough to worry about making the right decision with regard to such a delicate issue.