' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[J.HunterDunn]

Okay. I'm glad this forum is here. The reactions to a recently posted sonnet make me realize my message is coming through slightly off.

 

As my review shows I definitely drew the wrong conclusion. The "may have" should have been sufficient for doubt, for it can be read both ways. Notwithstanding Adi "may have" a comment on the broken parameter, I'm happy with the suggested alteration.

 

The sonnets were intended for Tony - so he coulnd't read it the wrong way.

Edited February 11, 2016 by J.HunterDunn

[Mikiesboy]

The sonnets were intended for Tony - so he coulnd't read it the wrong way.

Oh that is so true... ~shakes head~

[Puppilull]

Okay. I'm glad this forum is here. The reactions to a recently posted sonnet make me realize my message is coming through slightly off. The original is:

 

 

Sonnet No. 7 (for Tony)

 

The rain hits the windshield and upward streaks –

While the miles stream by, you are on my mind,

And the hollow loneliness in me speaks

Of the words of yours that are less than kind.

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a life you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

The little drops are like stars, or like tears,

And form a slow-motion constellation

That glows briefly before it disappears,

Taking with it all hope of salvation.

 

Say you'll wipe those words away like the rain,

And condemn none of us to lasting pain. 

 

 

The poem may seem to indicate that the addressee is already married; that was never my intention. The intention was to speak of a future the young man may choose, or be forced to choose, concerning a deceived woman and family. So I propose to alter the quatrain to this:

 

Why talk of these things that are hard for me –

Of a future you may have beyond my sight,

Of a poor deceived wife and family,

When both you and I know it won't be right.

 

Do you think that clears up the situational statement...?

 

Thanks for your help and feedback.

I hink the rewrite more clearly shows the deception could occur in the future. Then no 8 fits more in the time line (something I wondered about in my review).

[Parker Owens]

@ Emi: When you like it, go for it!

Edited February 11, 2016 by Parker Owens

[Emi GS]

@ Emi: When you like it, go for it!

Its not matter that I don't like it, I do like it. But you know, I felt some what strange. Strange that it not as perfect as I wanted to be...

 

what I need is a positive boost or some suggestions to make it as perfect as it should be...

[Parker Owens]

A February Tanka:

 

I chase perfection

in sunlit muscled shoulders

or untracked snowdrifts.

One aconite speaks

of unbloomed glory.

[AC Benus]

A February Tanka:

 

I chase perfection

in sunlit muscled shoulders

or untracked snowdrifts.

One aconite speaks

of unbloomed glory.

Oh Parker, it's so beautiful....but I hate to tell you...Tanka conclude with two lines of 7 syllables. I hope you can make it work, because this is beautiful

[Parker Owens]

Augh! I remembered wrong - this is what happens when you play with numbers all day....

 

Okay - second try:

 

I chase perfection

in sunlit muscled shoulders

or untracked snowdrifts.

One golden aconite speaks

of April's unbloomed glory.

[AC Benus]

Augh! I remembered wrong - this is what happens when you play with numbers all day....

 

Okay - second try:

 

I chase perfection

in sunlit muscled shoulders

or untracked snowdrifts.

One golden aconite speaks

of April's unbloomed glory.

how about '...of February's glory.'? It would be a shame to bump it up in the year. Or, '...of winter's unbloomed glory.'

 

Just ideas

[Parker Owens]

how about '...of February's glory.'? It would be a shame to bump it up in the year. Or, '...of winter's unbloomed glory.'

 

Just ideas

Yes.  'Winter's unbloomed glory..."  ummm, perfect.

[Emi GS]

Augh! I remembered wrong - this is what happens when you play with numbers all day....

Okay - second try:

 

I chase perfection

in sunlit muscled shoulders

or untracked snowdrifts.

One golden aconite speaks

of April's unbloomed glory.

Yes. 'Winter's unbloomed glory..." ummm, perfect.

Hmm! Nice poem Parker.

 

You too are looking for perfection or you are just teasing me...

[Parker Owens]

@AC - 'winter' is just right. I had two aconites blooming in my garden last Sunday, before it snowed again.

@Emi - yes. I'm still looking. The fun appears to be in the search, and not in the finding, or so it seems.

[Emi GS]

@AC - 'winter' is just right. I had two aconites blooming in my garden last Sunday, before it snowed again.

@Emi - yes. I'm still looking. The fun appears to be in the search, and not in the finding, or so it seems.

Yeah, I'll totally agree with you. I happy that I am not the only one...

[Mikiesboy]

A bit of free verse for my sweet man for valentine's day https://www.gayauthors.org/story/mikiesboy/timmysjournal/28

[Emi GS]

A bit of free verse for my sweet man for valentine's day https://www.gayauthors.org/story/mikiesboy/timmysjournal/28

Such a Nice gift for Mike... I think he already given some :x as a reward...

[Parker Owens]

Mike is a most fortunate man to get such moving poetry on Valentine's Day. Infinitely better than a card!  

[AC Benus]

Mike is a most fortunate man to get such moving poetry on Valentine's Day. Infinitely better than a card!  

...lucky, indeed...

[Emi GS]

Mike is a most fortunate man to get such moving poetry on Valentine's Day. Infinitely better than a card!

...lucky, indeed...

Whatever they said...

[Emi GS]

My Valentine's Poem has been uploaded...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/the-eminent-mgk/MIP_MGK/15

[Dolores Esteban]

Well, real life.... I wish I had more time. This thread is interesting. I'll try to catch up.

[J.HunterDunn]

In the One Hundred and Fifty-Five Sonnets by AC, sonnet no. 6 is inspired by the story of Ganymede.

 

Quite by accident this morning I heard a Schubert song on the radio on a text by Goethe, neither the song nor the poem were known to me.

The poem seems free verse.

 

Here are the link to the Wiki-page with the original German text and the translation, and a link to the Schubert song:

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganymed_(Goethe)

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kqtsv2tQDIc

[Mikiesboy]

In the One Hundred and Fifty-Five Sonnets by AC, sonnet no. 6 is inspired by the story of Ganymede.

 

Quite by accident this morning I heard a Schubert song on the radio on a text by Goethe, neither the song nor the poem were known to me.

The poem seems free verse.

 

Here are the link to the Wiki-page with the original German text and the translation, and a link to the Schubert song:

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganymed_(Goethe)

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kqtsv2tQDIc

This was great, Peter! Thank you for sharing it. 

[Emi GS]

A Spring poem I tried. And set mingled with my lonely Valentine's day. I hope you people may like it...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/the-eminent-mgk/MIP_MGK/16

[Emi GS]

In the One Hundred and Fifty-Five Sonnets by AC, sonnet no. 6 is inspired by the story of Ganymede.

 

Quite by accident this morning I heard a Schubert song on the radio on a text by Goethe, neither the song nor the poem were known to me.

The poem seems free verse.

 

Here are the link to the Wiki-page with the original German text and the translation, and a link to the Schubert song:

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ganymed_(Goethe)

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kqtsv2tQDIc

Such a nice information. I am glad you shared with us...

[AC Benus]

A Spring poem I tried. And set mingled with my lonely Valentine's day. I hope you people may like it...

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/the-eminent-mgk/MIP_MGK/16

I think I might offer a few 'tweaks' to make it perfect - which is what I think you want most of all

 

I never felt myself again,

not until that very moment.

There you come and there you go;

through the void of my heart.

The feeling of cold

that [[moment, time, instant, meeting, etc - your choice]] began to summon.

Is this the spring’s wind,

or just that I am alone!? [[or, make "Is this..." in the first line "Was this..." so the verb tenses agree]] 

Edited February 16, 2016 by AC Benus